Her tiny little grunts, snorts and noises stir me from my sleep. I was in a hard sleep, the kind that you fall into immediately when it's been weeks since you've slept through the night. I throw the covers off of my sweating body and shimmy/scoot to the end of the bed. The pack 'n play is squeezed between my side of the bed and the wall, making it an acrobatic feat for me to get out of bed, but Abigail isn't in the pack 'n play.
I kick the bouncy seat, hold back a scream and realize - all in in the same 3 seconds - that I left her bouncy seat on vibrate. I feel my way through the darkness and click the switch over to the off position. Then, step over the bouncy seat. She's not in there either.
I lean over, turn off the baby swing and reach down to grab my, now crying, baby girl. I snuggle her close, smell her head and kiss her cheek, just like I did the hour before.
Together we perform an acrobatic dance as I climb, with her in one arm, back onto my side of the bed, smacking my other big toe against the foot of the pack 'n play.
"I really should move that pack 'n play," I think, "she's not slept in it in nearly a week."
We settle in, I wrap the boppy around my waist and she begins to nurse. Sleepily, I lay my head back against the hard metal headboard. I doze on and off for the next 30 minutes, until I wake up with a stiff neck and a milk-drunk newborn who is snoozing softly in my arms.
All the books say you should never sleep with your baby. All the books say that you should never let your baby sleep in a swing, or a bouncy seat or propped up on the boppy. All the books say you should only let your baby sleep in her own bed and move her to her crib as soon as possible.
All the books say to sleep when your baby sleeps and to rest as much as possible during her first few weeks of life.
I'm betting none of those books are authored by mothers with lots of small children, most of which do not nap during the day. I'm also willing to bet that those books are written for those days when everything seems to go smoothly, your baby nods off to sleep quietly on your chest and those nursing mommas drink their 64 ounces of water a day.
64 ounces. As if. I'd never leave the bathroom. Or maybe I'd just have to buy disposable underwear. That might work better actually.
I lay my sweet, swaddled blessing beside me in the bed, careful to move the covers far way from her tiny body. She stirs, snorts and grunts in disapproval of me laying her down. I offer for her to nurse again and we both drift off to sleep.
An hour or so later we repeat this same process, because somewhere in the last 30 minutes I've gotten tired of sleeping on my side and I have returned my little babe to the swing or bouncy seat or, just maybe, her pack 'n play.
Finally, I hear the click of the door and a sleepy child's body steps through the door way. "Hey baby," I whisper. "Come. Quietly. Abigail just went back to sleep."
Arms and legs curl up beside me and I listen to stories about crazy dreams or Star Wars or how she can't wait to have her own baby one day, depending on which of the oldest 3 kids is beside me. I drift in and out of sleep until, finally, a two year old shouts her impatience with her crib at me through the monitor.
Our home springs to life as the sounds of laughter, toilets and squeals echo through the hallways.
I remind myself that this is the phase known of as SURVIVAL. In these early days of sleeplessness, frequent feedings and numerous diaper changes, our goal is to survive. Teaching our children that we value family, each other and the freshness of new life is most important.
If they learn some spelling, math, reading and history along the way, then so be it.
Survival.
Nothing more, nothing less. We simply exists to love one another and enjoy the expansion of our family. Some days are better than others. Somedays, all of our schooling gets done and our home is a disaster zone. Other days, the house is tidy and the kids are dirty from a full day of playing outside. Life consists of give and take right now. It's a life that is lived minute by minute, hour by hour and often no further.
As I write this, Abigail is snoozing soundly in her bouncy seat, Ella and Olivia are finishing up naps, Ashlee and Lucas are enjoying an afternoon at their grandmothers' houses and Elizabeth and Aaron are busy dancing under a tree as it blooms in the spring sun.
Life is busy, chaotic, loud, eventful, peaceful, cozy, dramatic, new and all in all, a complicated dance of learning what our new normal looks like.
After all, what is normal anyway? We abandoned that term long ago. Seven kids ages 7 and under isn't normal. It's survival. A beautiful, complicated, peaceful survival.
Which is exactly what we are doing.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Monday, April 2, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Motherhood is no joke
As I swollenly sit on the verge of swaddling, nursing sessions, sweet little diapers and tiny baby noises, I remember, so vividly anticipating the arrival of our first child.
Eight years ago I held another precious baby girl in my womb. Nestled inside, I could only wonder what lay beyond the delivery room doors. You know, out in the real world. The world of sleepless nights, breastfeeding, colic and growth spurts. I wondered, very little actually, about life beyond the first 12 months of motherhood.
Consumed with thoughts of labor and delivery, soft spots, co-sleeping and nursery decor, I didn't think much about life beyond my baby's first birthday.
Now, that baby is 7.5 years old and about to be a big sister six times over. (And she's really awesome at the big sister gig, if I do say so myself. I think she's more excited about the baby than I am. Too bad people who only see us from a distance think our kids are "suffering" through another sibling.)
Eight years ago, I had NO IDEA that our lives would look the way they do now. Luke and I never really sat and planned out the whole big family thing. It just sort of happened as we followed God's lead. I remember six years ago, when we were eagerly anticipating the arrival of the twins, I would tuck Elizabeth intobed her crib (she was only 22 months old when the twins were born) and then I would sob over the loss of her childhood. I was so afraid she would be scarred for life by having Lucas and Ashlee dropped into her lap before her second birthday.
And if I'm being honest, some days I still worry. Not so much about Elizabeth but more now about Ella, Aaron and Olivia. Am I going to have time for them like I wish? Are they going to resent the baby because she will consume so much of my time? Will Ella have a hard time adjusting to her new life which will entail a lot LESS time on my hip?
But then there the things that happen that prove to me that our children will be just fine.
Olivia knocks her drink off the table and Lucas enthusiastically scrambles to clean it up for her, assuring her that it's okay and it was only an accident and "Bubby will get you some more."
Or a time when Ella is fussy because I'm cooking dinner and can't give her my undivided attention. So Ashlee goes out of her way to entertain her, finding every toy that Ella enjoys and playing with them so ridiculously that Ella can't help but giggle and squeal. Which frees me up to finish making dinner.
Or when I'm gone to Bible study and Luke is trying to put the little three to bed. Without being prompted, Elizabeth cleans off the table, clears all the dishes and puts all the left over food away.
She's SEVEN y'all. We've never asked her to do such a task because, well, she has chores and that's not one of them. But she did so because of the overflow of her tender, loving, serving heart.
God knew she needed to be first among this brood of kids. He knew. And just as He knew all the things that I was overlooking eight years ago as I carried her in my womb, He knows now. He knows that my mind drifts to life beyond the next 12 months much more now than it does the next 12. He knows just how much I want to SLOW DOWN TIME because I'm afraid I will forget so much. I'm afraid I'll look up and eight more years will have passed, just like the last eight have.
But I rest in knowing that the God who orchestrated the complex design of our growing family will lead us in the future, just as He has in the past, if we look to Him.
I rest in knowing that the time of sleepless nights, spit up, seemingly endless fatigue, cereal for dinner - again and loads and load of laundry will be short lived in the grand timeline of my life. I know that when I look back at my life 20 years from now, I'll wonder where it all went and I'll probably laugh at my immature self a whole lot.
Just as God has known from the very beginning that we'd have 7 children in 7.5 years, He too knows how the next months of my life will pan out as we transition to our 7th child. He is good. He is faithful. He's got an incredible sense of humor (I mean, COME ON, 7 kids in 7.5 years?)
And He knows that even though motherhood is no joke, most of the time, it's really funny.
Eight years ago I held another precious baby girl in my womb. Nestled inside, I could only wonder what lay beyond the delivery room doors. You know, out in the real world. The world of sleepless nights, breastfeeding, colic and growth spurts. I wondered, very little actually, about life beyond the first 12 months of motherhood.
Consumed with thoughts of labor and delivery, soft spots, co-sleeping and nursery decor, I didn't think much about life beyond my baby's first birthday.
Now, that baby is 7.5 years old and about to be a big sister six times over. (And she's really awesome at the big sister gig, if I do say so myself. I think she's more excited about the baby than I am. Too bad people who only see us from a distance think our kids are "suffering" through another sibling.)
Eight years ago, I had NO IDEA that our lives would look the way they do now. Luke and I never really sat and planned out the whole big family thing. It just sort of happened as we followed God's lead. I remember six years ago, when we were eagerly anticipating the arrival of the twins, I would tuck Elizabeth into
And if I'm being honest, some days I still worry. Not so much about Elizabeth but more now about Ella, Aaron and Olivia. Am I going to have time for them like I wish? Are they going to resent the baby because she will consume so much of my time? Will Ella have a hard time adjusting to her new life which will entail a lot LESS time on my hip?
But then there the things that happen that prove to me that our children will be just fine.
Olivia knocks her drink off the table and Lucas enthusiastically scrambles to clean it up for her, assuring her that it's okay and it was only an accident and "Bubby will get you some more."
Or a time when Ella is fussy because I'm cooking dinner and can't give her my undivided attention. So Ashlee goes out of her way to entertain her, finding every toy that Ella enjoys and playing with them so ridiculously that Ella can't help but giggle and squeal. Which frees me up to finish making dinner.
Or when I'm gone to Bible study and Luke is trying to put the little three to bed. Without being prompted, Elizabeth cleans off the table, clears all the dishes and puts all the left over food away.
She's SEVEN y'all. We've never asked her to do such a task because, well, she has chores and that's not one of them. But she did so because of the overflow of her tender, loving, serving heart.
God knew she needed to be first among this brood of kids. He knew. And just as He knew all the things that I was overlooking eight years ago as I carried her in my womb, He knows now. He knows that my mind drifts to life beyond the next 12 months much more now than it does the next 12. He knows just how much I want to SLOW DOWN TIME because I'm afraid I will forget so much. I'm afraid I'll look up and eight more years will have passed, just like the last eight have.
But I rest in knowing that the God who orchestrated the complex design of our growing family will lead us in the future, just as He has in the past, if we look to Him.
I rest in knowing that the time of sleepless nights, spit up, seemingly endless fatigue, cereal for dinner - again and loads and load of laundry will be short lived in the grand timeline of my life. I know that when I look back at my life 20 years from now, I'll wonder where it all went and I'll probably laugh at my immature self a whole lot.
Just as God has known from the very beginning that we'd have 7 children in 7.5 years, He too knows how the next months of my life will pan out as we transition to our 7th child. He is good. He is faithful. He's got an incredible sense of humor (I mean, COME ON, 7 kids in 7.5 years?)
And He knows that even though motherhood is no joke, most of the time, it's really funny.
Monday, November 7, 2011
I can't think of a clever title about the Rockies that doesn't sound like a beer commercial
Last Christmas my parents generously gifted us with a vacation.
An all expense paid vacation for two. Just me and Luke (or is it Luke and I?). Anyway, Ella was a nursing 6 month old, I knew that my trip to Guinea-Bissau would come about the time she was weaned. And well, there was all that other life to be done somewhere in the midst of babies nursing, mission trips, schooling and such.
Finally, we have booked our vacation. The trip included airline tickets, hotel accommodations and even spending money and childcare. Seriously. We are just so blessed.
I've never been much of a beach bum myself and I love, love, love the mountains. Over the course of 11 years of us being together, I think I've finally converted Luke. So rather than head to someplace warm and tropical we are heading the mountains. The BIG mountains. We live near the Appalachian mountains so we figured we needed something to compare them to.
After much debate and looking at tickets and travel time, we settled on Colorado. Rocky Mountain National Park here we come!
We leave late Wednesday night and don't return home until late Sunday evening. Our children and dog will spend copious amounts of time with their MeMe and PawPaw and we'll get to sleep late, enjoy mountain air, sleep late, make spontaneous decisions on dinner, sleep late and hopefully see lots and lots of snow.
My soul is aching for some down time with my husband. Time for us to laugh with each other, talk about our dreams, goals and desires, pray over our future and that of our children and just hang out. We've reserved a tiny little cabin in the Rocky Mountain National park and I couldn't be more thrilled at the idea of settling in and not leaving for a couple of days.
Over the course of the last few weeks, we've made decisions for our family that have reduced much of the stress I was previously feeling. And while I'm not yet able to fully discuss some of those decisions, I will say that knowing we have a plan and that the plan is one to a happier, less stressful home is freeing.
I feel like this little get away is a the 1st stage of us finally letting go of some of the fullness in our life and looking forward to what God has placed on our plate. We were making decisions based on what we felt we needed to accomplish rather than what God desired for us to accomplish.
At any rate, the next time you hear from me (at least on the blog anyway) I will be snuggled down under some warm blankets, hopefully sipping some hot tea while the world outside is slowly covered with beautiful white snow.
Approximately 53 hours until our plane take off. But really, who's counting? (Oh wait, I am.)
An all expense paid vacation for two. Just me and Luke (or is it Luke and I?). Anyway, Ella was a nursing 6 month old, I knew that my trip to Guinea-Bissau would come about the time she was weaned. And well, there was all that other life to be done somewhere in the midst of babies nursing, mission trips, schooling and such.
Finally, we have booked our vacation. The trip included airline tickets, hotel accommodations and even spending money and childcare. Seriously. We are just so blessed.
I've never been much of a beach bum myself and I love, love, love the mountains. Over the course of 11 years of us being together, I think I've finally converted Luke. So rather than head to someplace warm and tropical we are heading the mountains. The BIG mountains. We live near the Appalachian mountains so we figured we needed something to compare them to.
After much debate and looking at tickets and travel time, we settled on Colorado. Rocky Mountain National Park here we come!
We leave late Wednesday night and don't return home until late Sunday evening. Our children and dog will spend copious amounts of time with their MeMe and PawPaw and we'll get to sleep late, enjoy mountain air, sleep late, make spontaneous decisions on dinner, sleep late and hopefully see lots and lots of snow.
My soul is aching for some down time with my husband. Time for us to laugh with each other, talk about our dreams, goals and desires, pray over our future and that of our children and just hang out. We've reserved a tiny little cabin in the Rocky Mountain National park and I couldn't be more thrilled at the idea of settling in and not leaving for a couple of days.
Over the course of the last few weeks, we've made decisions for our family that have reduced much of the stress I was previously feeling. And while I'm not yet able to fully discuss some of those decisions, I will say that knowing we have a plan and that the plan is one to a happier, less stressful home is freeing.
I feel like this little get away is a the 1st stage of us finally letting go of some of the fullness in our life and looking forward to what God has placed on our plate. We were making decisions based on what we felt we needed to accomplish rather than what God desired for us to accomplish.
At any rate, the next time you hear from me (at least on the blog anyway) I will be snuggled down under some warm blankets, hopefully sipping some hot tea while the world outside is slowly covered with beautiful white snow.
Approximately 53 hours until our plane take off. But really, who's counting? (Oh wait, I am.)
Monday, September 26, 2011
Trying to slow down
So, I would apologize for it being so long between posts, but honestly, I wonder what I'd be apologizing for. I'm sure none of you rely on this blog to sustain your existence so it seems so trivial for me to apologize (or stress) over it's lack of updating.
Still, I think about it (and most of you) often and wish that I had more time to blog about the things going on in our family. After I wrote my last post on being overwhelmed, I realized that I forgot to include one of the biggest reasons I'm emotionally overwhelmed.
Mid-October, Luke will be traveling to Guinea-Bissau for 11 days. He's going to visit each of the villages I visited during my trip in April, meet many of the same national (and missionary) partners I met and see for himself exactly why that trip confirmed so much about our calling to Kenya. I'm so excited for him to go, but honestly, I'm also very anxious.
I mean, he will be on the other side of the world away from me and the kids. And during that time, I'm planning on making a trip with the kids (and a helper!) so that the time passes more quickly for us here at home.
So that's a lot of the emotional overwhelmedness lately. Not necessarily stress, just lots to think about, pray over, prepare for and grow from.
However, I've also realized since writing that last post that so much of my overwhelmed feelings are fueled by my lack of time in the Word. As I have stepped back, evaluated some things in my life that I'm willing to let go of, I've realized that I've put my quiet time on my list of "Must dos" and not as my #1 priority.
Truly, most days, I forget I'm pregnant. I mean, I feel the fatigue, the sickness and the emotions (darn hormones) but I am quick to forget why I feel that way. I'll be just about to drop after a busy day and think, "What's wrong with me?" Then realize, oh yeah, I'm growing a baby. THAT'S why I feel like I could sleep for 2 days.
Anyway, I know this is a bunch of rambling, but just wanted to update since my post on being overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with life and things to do and places to go, but I'm also overwhelmed with all the goodness and blessings God has placed in our lives. I stand amazed at the grace He shows me when I fall on my face, slump in the bed and cry out to Him that I cannot take anymore. Then, He gives me just what I need to accomplish the things He has purposed for me.
And I realize that I really have all that really need, if I just slow down.
Still, I think about it (and most of you) often and wish that I had more time to blog about the things going on in our family. After I wrote my last post on being overwhelmed, I realized that I forgot to include one of the biggest reasons I'm emotionally overwhelmed.
Mid-October, Luke will be traveling to Guinea-Bissau for 11 days. He's going to visit each of the villages I visited during my trip in April, meet many of the same national (and missionary) partners I met and see for himself exactly why that trip confirmed so much about our calling to Kenya. I'm so excited for him to go, but honestly, I'm also very anxious.
I mean, he will be on the other side of the world away from me and the kids. And during that time, I'm planning on making a trip with the kids (and a helper!) so that the time passes more quickly for us here at home.
So that's a lot of the emotional overwhelmedness lately. Not necessarily stress, just lots to think about, pray over, prepare for and grow from.
However, I've also realized since writing that last post that so much of my overwhelmed feelings are fueled by my lack of time in the Word. As I have stepped back, evaluated some things in my life that I'm willing to let go of, I've realized that I've put my quiet time on my list of "Must dos" and not as my #1 priority.
Truly, most days, I forget I'm pregnant. I mean, I feel the fatigue, the sickness and the emotions (darn hormones) but I am quick to forget why I feel that way. I'll be just about to drop after a busy day and think, "What's wrong with me?" Then realize, oh yeah, I'm growing a baby. THAT'S why I feel like I could sleep for 2 days.
Anyway, I know this is a bunch of rambling, but just wanted to update since my post on being overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with life and things to do and places to go, but I'm also overwhelmed with all the goodness and blessings God has placed in our lives. I stand amazed at the grace He shows me when I fall on my face, slump in the bed and cry out to Him that I cannot take anymore. Then, He gives me just what I need to accomplish the things He has purposed for me.
And I realize that I really have all that really need, if I just slow down.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Overwhelmed
Lately, life seems really overwhelming.
There seems to be so much to do and just not enough hours in the day. There are so many things in our lives that are worthwhile, good and even purposeful that seem like heaping spoonfuls on our already full plate.
I am not a planner by nature, which may surprise some of you who only vaguely know me. Someone asked me last week, when they found out we were expecting our 7th child, "Are you just the most organized person ever?"
Uh. Notsomuch.
Our house is hardly ever clean, certainly not to the standard of the majority of my friends and yet, it really doesn't bug me too much. I don't really care if people come over and there's laundry on the couch. I figure if they have an issue with it, they can fold it. :)
However, the overwhelmedness I feel lately comes from things more deeply rooted than a disorganized house (but that is adding to the feeling, I'm sure, since we've been home from the beach since Friday and I've yet to unpack any of us).
I feel as though the Lord has called me in so many different directions and truly, I'm having a hard time juggling all of it.
Homeschooling
Student Ministry
Discipling our Children
Bible Studies
Preparing for life as International Missionaries
Loving on hurting people around us
Being a good, devoted, loving friend
Being a loving, devoted and self-less wife
Mothering our brood of kids with love and compassion
I could keep going, but you get the idea. Each of the things listed above has several different components and each of those vary in complexities.
Here's what our week looks like this week (after taking a week off of school last week for the beach - so taking another week off doesn't feel like an option)
Monday - "normal" day of Homeschooling, cleaning the house, making breakfast, lunch and dinner, doing some unpacking, spending time with the little kids rather than just shooing them off while we school and Women's Bible Study from 7-9pm
Tuesday - Ella has a dermatology appointment in the morning for a weird spot on her leg then the same as Monday in the afternoon with school, meals, family time, housekeeping, etc.
Wednesday - Parent's Day Out at our church from 10-2 (Yipee! I debated skipping it, knowing what our week looked like but the kids LOVE it and so do I.) Then school in the afternoon, housekeeping, meals, etc.
Thursday - Older 3 have check ups at the Doctor in the morning (Usually we have Community Bible Study from 9-11am but I made these appointments, forgetting that it was a Thursday) then school in the afternoon. Piano for the older 3 from 5-6 and Elizabeth has soccer practice from 6-7. Somewhere in there we need to finish up the school work we've not completed so far this week and of course I have meals to make, laundry, housekeeping, etc.
Friday - "normal" school day, much like Monday. Luke's men's Bible Study is in the mornings and he has a Daddy Breakfast Date with one of the kids before he heads into work.
Again, this is MY schedule and about 99% of the time something happens (someone has an issue with poop or my "morning" sickness rears its ugly head) that throws my whole schedule out of the window.
Add to the above routine preparation for a lesson for our small group of Teenagers for Sunday Nights, trying to spend time in the Word for my own sanity, trying to knock items off our checklist for Africa Inland Mission, which currently looks like this:
That's just a excerpt of the list. It goes to 56 items. And as we draw closer to our departure date of July 2012, the items become more frequent and more pressing. See all that stuff due ASAP that we've not done? Overwhelmed.
I'm dealing with emotions with personal relationships, conflicts and the thoughts of having to tell people we love things they do not want to hear. It's hard juggling it all and trying to maintain some resemblance of normal.
We also have Bible Requirements to complete and books to read and an Outbound Training Program to complete where we meet with a Facilitator every few weeks. We SHOULD be meeting weekly with potential supporters and trying to speak with Sunday School Classes and/or Churches on Sundays. (Want us to come talk to you?)
And somewhere in all that madness we're suppose to be training, teaching, discipling and loving on our kids like a normal family who is NOT leaving in 10 months. We're mentally trying to prepare for a baby due in March of 2012 while also mentally preparing to leave the country for 4 years just 4 short months after we welcome Baby #7.
What do we sell? What do we keep? How in the heck do I get everything done and not lose my mind?
If I stand back and look at the big picture I just want to sit and cry. So I tell myself to take one day at a time. Deep breaths and baby steps to the end goal, right?
But truthfully, there are days that I MUST step back and look at the big picture or else I'll never get all of it done. The non-planner in me wants to make lists and list and lists because that's what I do when I'm stressed and overwhelmed, I make lists.
But there's not really anything list, sadly. It all just sort of hangs out there in the distance, waiting on me to arrive with little or nothing to offer.
I've tried to prioritize my days by things that MUST get done, things that SHOULD get done and things I WANT to get done. It helps but the things that make our house function day to day have no impact on the long-term things that will eventually move to the MUST category. And by the time they arrive, it will be too late and we'll me more overwhelmed than we are now.
I'm emotional. Probably because I'm pregnant because I'm not a weepy person by nature, but most days now, I want cry. I want to walk away from the callings God has placed before me, throw my hands up and say, "I quit!"
But I think that's just what the enemy wants me to do. He wants me to quit. And I refuse. I refuse to turn from the things that God has called us to. I refuse to close my eyes and pretend that it's not all pressing on me at once. I refuse to turn from God as my only source of strength.
But the fact remains that I'm overwhelmed. Just flat out overwhelmed. And I don't know what to do to fix it, which makes me even more overwhelmed.
So, what do you do when you're overwhelmed?
I've cherish your prayers and any chocolate you'd want to send my way. ;)
There seems to be so much to do and just not enough hours in the day. There are so many things in our lives that are worthwhile, good and even purposeful that seem like heaping spoonfuls on our already full plate.
I am not a planner by nature, which may surprise some of you who only vaguely know me. Someone asked me last week, when they found out we were expecting our 7th child, "Are you just the most organized person ever?"
Uh. Notsomuch.
Our house is hardly ever clean, certainly not to the standard of the majority of my friends and yet, it really doesn't bug me too much. I don't really care if people come over and there's laundry on the couch. I figure if they have an issue with it, they can fold it. :)
However, the overwhelmedness I feel lately comes from things more deeply rooted than a disorganized house (but that is adding to the feeling, I'm sure, since we've been home from the beach since Friday and I've yet to unpack any of us).
I feel as though the Lord has called me in so many different directions and truly, I'm having a hard time juggling all of it.
Homeschooling
Student Ministry
Discipling our Children
Bible Studies
Preparing for life as International Missionaries
Loving on hurting people around us
Being a good, devoted, loving friend
Being a loving, devoted and self-less wife
Mothering our brood of kids with love and compassion
I could keep going, but you get the idea. Each of the things listed above has several different components and each of those vary in complexities.
Here's what our week looks like this week (after taking a week off of school last week for the beach - so taking another week off doesn't feel like an option)
Monday - "normal" day of Homeschooling, cleaning the house, making breakfast, lunch and dinner, doing some unpacking, spending time with the little kids rather than just shooing them off while we school and Women's Bible Study from 7-9pm
Tuesday - Ella has a dermatology appointment in the morning for a weird spot on her leg then the same as Monday in the afternoon with school, meals, family time, housekeeping, etc.
Wednesday - Parent's Day Out at our church from 10-2 (Yipee! I debated skipping it, knowing what our week looked like but the kids LOVE it and so do I.) Then school in the afternoon, housekeeping, meals, etc.
Thursday - Older 3 have check ups at the Doctor in the morning (Usually we have Community Bible Study from 9-11am but I made these appointments, forgetting that it was a Thursday) then school in the afternoon. Piano for the older 3 from 5-6 and Elizabeth has soccer practice from 6-7. Somewhere in there we need to finish up the school work we've not completed so far this week and of course I have meals to make, laundry, housekeeping, etc.
Friday - "normal" school day, much like Monday. Luke's men's Bible Study is in the mornings and he has a Daddy Breakfast Date with one of the kids before he heads into work.
Again, this is MY schedule and about 99% of the time something happens (someone has an issue with poop or my "morning" sickness rears its ugly head) that throws my whole schedule out of the window.
Add to the above routine preparation for a lesson for our small group of Teenagers for Sunday Nights, trying to spend time in the Word for my own sanity, trying to knock items off our checklist for Africa Inland Mission, which currently looks like this:
That's just a excerpt of the list. It goes to 56 items. And as we draw closer to our departure date of July 2012, the items become more frequent and more pressing. See all that stuff due ASAP that we've not done? Overwhelmed.
I'm dealing with emotions with personal relationships, conflicts and the thoughts of having to tell people we love things they do not want to hear. It's hard juggling it all and trying to maintain some resemblance of normal.
We also have Bible Requirements to complete and books to read and an Outbound Training Program to complete where we meet with a Facilitator every few weeks. We SHOULD be meeting weekly with potential supporters and trying to speak with Sunday School Classes and/or Churches on Sundays. (Want us to come talk to you?)
And somewhere in all that madness we're suppose to be training, teaching, discipling and loving on our kids like a normal family who is NOT leaving in 10 months. We're mentally trying to prepare for a baby due in March of 2012 while also mentally preparing to leave the country for 4 years just 4 short months after we welcome Baby #7.
What do we sell? What do we keep? How in the heck do I get everything done and not lose my mind?
If I stand back and look at the big picture I just want to sit and cry. So I tell myself to take one day at a time. Deep breaths and baby steps to the end goal, right?
But truthfully, there are days that I MUST step back and look at the big picture or else I'll never get all of it done. The non-planner in me wants to make lists and list and lists because that's what I do when I'm stressed and overwhelmed, I make lists.
But there's not really anything list, sadly. It all just sort of hangs out there in the distance, waiting on me to arrive with little or nothing to offer.
I've tried to prioritize my days by things that MUST get done, things that SHOULD get done and things I WANT to get done. It helps but the things that make our house function day to day have no impact on the long-term things that will eventually move to the MUST category. And by the time they arrive, it will be too late and we'll me more overwhelmed than we are now.
I'm emotional. Probably because I'm pregnant because I'm not a weepy person by nature, but most days now, I want cry. I want to walk away from the callings God has placed before me, throw my hands up and say, "I quit!"
But I think that's just what the enemy wants me to do. He wants me to quit. And I refuse. I refuse to turn from the things that God has called us to. I refuse to close my eyes and pretend that it's not all pressing on me at once. I refuse to turn from God as my only source of strength.
But the fact remains that I'm overwhelmed. Just flat out overwhelmed. And I don't know what to do to fix it, which makes me even more overwhelmed.
So, what do you do when you're overwhelmed?
I've cherish your prayers and any chocolate you'd want to send my way. ;)
Thursday, June 2, 2011
How do you feel about ads?
Hey friends!
Alrighty, I need your advices and opinions.
Probably close to a year ago I applied to be wait listed on a the ad publishing site BlogHer. Honestly, I never thought they'd ever ask me to apply since my blog has small readership (comparatively) and also because I assumed that there is a huge waiting list and the chances of me floating to the top was slim-to-none.
But, about a week ago I received an email from BlogHer basically asking me to "apply to apply."
Short story, my blog has been selected to be in their database to have ads placed. I would earn revenue based on the number of page loads.
I have mixed feelings about having ads. On one had, whatever revenue we earn could be used for supplemental income - and later - to help supplement support for our ministry. (Though, truthfully, I can't see this being a big money maker. Maybe $25 a month?)
On the other hand, I know that my blog would begin being published and advertised with BlogHer and, well, I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean, naturally all bloggers want to have a nice following of readers, but truth be told, I LOVE the small community of regular readers who come here. I'm not sure I want the masses coming this way and messing with the good thing we already have. Ya know?
But, in the end, Luke and I are praying about this decision - be it ever how trivial - and knowing that the Lord cares about details, even this one.
So my question for you all is this....
Would you be turned off by blog ads? Would it make you less likely to come back and read? Do you think it would annihilate the virtual intimacy that is already here?
I love that this measly little blog has connected me to so many of you who I would have otherwise never met. In fact, on our trip to Arkansas/Tennessee I had the privilege to meet two "blog friends" have our children play together and later the three of us women enjoyed a nice, relaxing dinner. Now, I'm honored to call them real-life friends.
A few of you have taken the step of faith to support our ministry both in prayer and with your finances. You truly have no idea just how much it humbles me to know you'd follow God in obedience to support someone you've never even "met."
So again, I ask you, is having an ad publishing network on here going to ruin that? Truly that's the last thing I desire.
I appreciate your insight and the way you guys care about me, my family and this silly 'ol blog.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Here
I'm still here. Sorta.
I mean, I'm not in the "here" that we're normally at. We are traveling and will be back to our normal "here" sometime next weekend. We've enjoyed spending time with long-time friends. Friends who encourage the mess out of us, provoke us to think about God's word authentically, challenge us with our normalcies and love us beyond what we deserve.
We've been encouraged, supported and squeezed extra tight by family.
We've had the privilege to speak with two groups about our ministry in Kenya and both times walked away more blessed than we could have previously imagined.
We've been spoiled rotten by having our sweet friend Paige travel with us to help us. Originally, her role was to help us with the kids, but I can see that she's really here for so much more. She's encouraged us as well, jumped into the thick of loading and unloading and just blessed us on every level possible.
I guess you could say that we're blessed to be here, rather than "here."
I hope to post again soon with pictures, updates and more info about Guinea-Bissau, our assignment in Kenya and just life in general.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
I gotta get it all out somewhere
I have a swirl of things going around and around in my head. I'm much too much to stop and write full blog posts over any one topic even though I write post upon post upon post in my head all day long. And, I mean, that's what this blog is for, right? For me to get all these thoughts out somewhere? Maybe I'll just settle for a list right now, what do you say?
....I leave for Africa in 8 days. EIGHT DAYS. One week from Tomorrow to be exact. Mercy. I've got a lot to do still before I leave.
....Our awesome landlord(s) paid for us to get brand, new carpet. I love it. And I feel so blessed that they cared enough about us to bless us like that.
....Support raising is going slow and I'm trying not to let it frustrate/overwhelm/discourage me.
....We are having dinner Friday night with some awesome folks. They've raised their kids to love the Lord and serve Him with reckless abandon. I can't wait to pick their minds apart.
....We have 6 straw bales sitting in our back yard because I think it will be a good idea to have a straw bale garden this summer. I'm beginning to wonder what in the heck I've talked myself into.
....Ella weighed a smidgen less than 23 lbs at her 12 month check up on Monday. She's all over the place and CRAZY wild woman and I love her so much I hurt. I'll certainly miss all the kids (and Luke) while I'm gone to Guinea-Bissau. But when I think about leaving my littlest baby (you know, the one who sits on my hip almost all day - or stands wedged between my feet all the other times) it makes me have a small anxiety attack. Oh how I pray her little heart will be okay without me for 11 days. How I pray MY heart will be okay without all my babies for 11 days. Now I'm crying. Awesome.
....Olivia needs a whole post of her own to catch you up to speed on the happenings in her life, but just know that she's doing something so amazing that it makes me swell with pride each and every time. Okay, I'll tell ya! She's using the potty exclusively during her awake hours! I'm so flippin' proud of her! She's pretty proud of herself too. Her little tushy looks so cute in little girl undies!
....My women's Bible study group is starting the study, Experiencing God, and I could NOT be more excited! This will be the 3rd time I've done this study and each time I learn so, so much.
....I'm catching myself sitting back and taking in life events more and more lately. Like the baby shower I attended/hosted on Sunday. I just sat there and watched and thought to myself, "In 2 years, I bet I will be so many worlds away from this that it will be hard to remember what baby shower punch and cupcakes taste like."
....I'm debating writing a post on the Taboo Topic Lust. Thoughts? Yay or nay?
....I've decided that you really are the company you keep. It's made me feel so incredibly blessed to have the friends that we do. Friends who love the Lord and serve Him with their whole lives, not just when it's comfortable, convenient or makes them look good.
...And about a bazillion other things. But I've got to get to bed. It's past midnight. And we have a busy day of school ahead tomorrow.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Ketchup
This will be a totally random Ketchup post. You know, catch-up. Ahem. Anyway.
My milk supply is almost totally back. I ran out of the herbal mix (Fenugreek, Blessed Thistle, Fennel Seed & some other stuff) of Lactation Support I was taking and switched to taking plain ol' Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle. I'm loading my body down on both and my supply has skyrocketed. Okay, so maybe not skyrocketed but it's back and much, much better.
Since I posted about my Nursing Woes (and you guys poured out support, thank you!) we've only had to give Ella a couple of bottles of formula and those were either late at night or in the middle of the night. (Which, I mean, HELLO sleep because Luke can totally mix a bottle of formula! Woot!)
I really think it was a compilation of several factors that caused my supply to plummet. This weekend and even this morning it appears as though my supply is back completely. Thank you all for your concern, suggestions and even offering you own milk reserves. Y'all rock!
It snowed again today. This is already our 3rd or 4th snow of the winter. The last snow was decent and we had snow on the ground for several days. They called for today's snow to be a Winter Storm (which, in the South, means that it will cover the ground and all milk and bread will be gone from every operating grocery store). It was merely a heavy dusting. Enough to close the schools (I know. You Northerners can insert a huge eye roll here.) and make everyone panic. It has stopped flurrying and it's unlikely we will see anymore today which just makes me so happy.
Can I just tell you how much I am OVER the snow and cold? I mean, I normally like winter but PLEASE come on Spring! My kids are driving me crazy in this house all day. And I refuse, refuse to bundle them all up by myself and take them out because that's a recipe for everyone's bowels to move at the exact same time.
I've never wanted to battle seasonal allergies so much in my life. Um..yes, pollen? Please come quickly. We have an urgent issue here on the South Eastern Coast. It's called Winter and I think you are the only hope of ever seeing the warm, fresh sunshine again.
Though I will say that on days like today it is nice that we homeschool so that we can trudge through the day as usual and in 2 months when it's beautiful outside (and all the students are sitting in their classrooms looking longingly at the sunshine through their classroom windows) we can take a Snow Day and play in the sun while Momma gains some sanity.
Finally, I'm helping our amazing babysitter/Nanny plan her June wedding. They have a beautiful site reserved for the ceremony and reception and her dress looks stunning on her. But, she and her fiance are footing the majority of the bill. If any of you have any good, inexpensive and classic ideas for an outdoor wedding I'm all ears.
Her fiance is from New Orleans, so we'd like to have a touch of the French Quarter at the reception. You know, the classy side of New Orleans. ;) Seriously, any tips, websites or ideas are welcome.
Y'all have a superb Monday.
My milk supply is almost totally back. I ran out of the herbal mix (Fenugreek, Blessed Thistle, Fennel Seed & some other stuff) of Lactation Support I was taking and switched to taking plain ol' Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle. I'm loading my body down on both and my supply has skyrocketed. Okay, so maybe not skyrocketed but it's back and much, much better.
Since I posted about my Nursing Woes (and you guys poured out support, thank you!) we've only had to give Ella a couple of bottles of formula and those were either late at night or in the middle of the night. (Which, I mean, HELLO sleep because Luke can totally mix a bottle of formula! Woot!)
I really think it was a compilation of several factors that caused my supply to plummet. This weekend and even this morning it appears as though my supply is back completely. Thank you all for your concern, suggestions and even offering you own milk reserves. Y'all rock!
It snowed again today. This is already our 3rd or 4th snow of the winter. The last snow was decent and we had snow on the ground for several days. They called for today's snow to be a Winter Storm (which, in the South, means that it will cover the ground and all milk and bread will be gone from every operating grocery store). It was merely a heavy dusting. Enough to close the schools (I know. You Northerners can insert a huge eye roll here.) and make everyone panic. It has stopped flurrying and it's unlikely we will see anymore today which just makes me so happy.
Can I just tell you how much I am OVER the snow and cold? I mean, I normally like winter but PLEASE come on Spring! My kids are driving me crazy in this house all day. And I refuse, refuse to bundle them all up by myself and take them out because that's a recipe for everyone's bowels to move at the exact same time.
I've never wanted to battle seasonal allergies so much in my life. Um..yes, pollen? Please come quickly. We have an urgent issue here on the South Eastern Coast. It's called Winter and I think you are the only hope of ever seeing the warm, fresh sunshine again.
Though I will say that on days like today it is nice that we homeschool so that we can trudge through the day as usual and in 2 months when it's beautiful outside (and all the students are sitting in their classrooms looking longingly at the sunshine through their classroom windows) we can take a Snow Day and play in the sun while Momma gains some sanity.
Finally, I'm helping our amazing babysitter/Nanny plan her June wedding. They have a beautiful site reserved for the ceremony and reception and her dress looks stunning on her. But, she and her fiance are footing the majority of the bill. If any of you have any good, inexpensive and classic ideas for an outdoor wedding I'm all ears.
Her fiance is from New Orleans, so we'd like to have a touch of the French Quarter at the reception. You know, the classy side of New Orleans. ;) Seriously, any tips, websites or ideas are welcome.
Y'all have a superb Monday.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2011 better BRING IT
Happy New Year!
2010 was an amazing year for our family. I love looking back and seeing the highs and lows that were the journey of the last 365.
Just as we ended the year with a stomach virus, we also started 2010 with one as well. Nice to know.
I ate my words (and sort of kept them all at the same time) saying (in my pre-motherhood life) that I'd never drive a mini-van.
In span of 30 days....
My Grandmother had, survived and recovered completely from major open heart surgery...
We withstood the chaos of me being 8.5 months pregnant with my husband several states away all while prepping our house to sell...
And we OFFICIALLY adopted our daughter Olivia!
And all of that happened a mere month before my due date with our youngest, and 6th, child. Keep in mind, too, that at that point in our lives, all of our kids were ages 5 and younger. Whew!
God certainly proved Himself faithful in that season of our lives. Even while I lamented no activity with my cervix, God was busy moving in other areas. A few weeks later, we moved into our new (rental) house and our friends Overwhelmed me with an outpouring of their love and support.
While waiting on Baby #6 to arrive, we began to reveal to you all just how God had been working in our lives in the way of missions. From the Darkness of a uncertain season with God and from the Inital Cry of my heart, God began confirming in both Luke and I our calling to missions.
Finally, FINALLY at 42 weeks and 1 day Little Miss Ella Joy made her world debut.
God continued Calling Just Like Before as we began to feel, even stronger, our calling to missions. Even with questions, and doubts, AND FEARS.
We landed The Mothership and I still love it.
I admitted, and you all agreed, that Being A Mom Is Tough.
Lucas and Ashlee turned FOUR.
And a week later, Aaron turned TWO.
A month or so later, my shins went on strike after I ran my first (and so far only) 5k.
Then, my first baby, Elizabeth, turned SIX.
I realized my need for wax earplugs.
My friend GK sat her drink dangerously close to Ella AND our laptop and I, in turn, wrote The Hardest Post I've Ever Written.
After 4 years of staying land locked, we found out that Life's a Beach.
God showed me, again, why I don't believe in Coincidences. Only Providence.
Our sweet, dramatic and joyful Olivia turned TWO.
I was reminded that even during chaos, the Lord Binds Me Up and Gives Me Strength.
Aaron gave me his first scare with thinking he needed stitches...thanks to Lucas' help.
I tried my hand at being a Photographer and had the Judd's in my head for the entire next week.
We attended Africa Inland Mission's Candidate Week in New York, and were appointed as Members! (Official Missionaries!)
On our way there, we stopped and visited Washington D.C. and realized that Getting There Was Half the Battle.
We published our First Official Ministry Newsletter as AIM Missionaries and continue to wrestle and pray over a location.
We realized that Crazy Has Company and I officially gave up on Potty Training anyone else ever. Or at least for the next week.
Luke and I celebrated 8 years of marriage and we continue to marvel at how much the Lord chooses to bless us.
Wow. What a year. 2011 has some big, BIG shoes to fill.
Bring it on 2011. BRING.IT.ON.
2010 was an amazing year for our family. I love looking back and seeing the highs and lows that were the journey of the last 365.
Just as we ended the year with a stomach virus, we also started 2010 with one as well. Nice to know.
I ate my words (and sort of kept them all at the same time) saying (in my pre-motherhood life) that I'd never drive a mini-van.
In span of 30 days....
My Grandmother had, survived and recovered completely from major open heart surgery...
We withstood the chaos of me being 8.5 months pregnant with my husband several states away all while prepping our house to sell...
And we OFFICIALLY adopted our daughter Olivia!
And all of that happened a mere month before my due date with our youngest, and 6th, child. Keep in mind, too, that at that point in our lives, all of our kids were ages 5 and younger. Whew!
God certainly proved Himself faithful in that season of our lives. Even while I lamented no activity with my cervix, God was busy moving in other areas. A few weeks later, we moved into our new (rental) house and our friends Overwhelmed me with an outpouring of their love and support.
While waiting on Baby #6 to arrive, we began to reveal to you all just how God had been working in our lives in the way of missions. From the Darkness of a uncertain season with God and from the Inital Cry of my heart, God began confirming in both Luke and I our calling to missions.
Finally, FINALLY at 42 weeks and 1 day Little Miss Ella Joy made her world debut.
God continued Calling Just Like Before as we began to feel, even stronger, our calling to missions. Even with questions, and doubts, AND FEARS.
We landed The Mothership and I still love it.
I admitted, and you all agreed, that Being A Mom Is Tough.
Lucas and Ashlee turned FOUR.
And a week later, Aaron turned TWO.
A month or so later, my shins went on strike after I ran my first (and so far only) 5k.
Then, my first baby, Elizabeth, turned SIX.
I realized my need for wax earplugs.
My friend GK sat her drink dangerously close to Ella AND our laptop and I, in turn, wrote The Hardest Post I've Ever Written.
After 4 years of staying land locked, we found out that Life's a Beach.
God showed me, again, why I don't believe in Coincidences. Only Providence.
Our sweet, dramatic and joyful Olivia turned TWO.
I was reminded that even during chaos, the Lord Binds Me Up and Gives Me Strength.
Aaron gave me his first scare with thinking he needed stitches...thanks to Lucas' help.
I tried my hand at being a Photographer and had the Judd's in my head for the entire next week.
We attended Africa Inland Mission's Candidate Week in New York, and were appointed as Members! (Official Missionaries!)
On our way there, we stopped and visited Washington D.C. and realized that Getting There Was Half the Battle.
We published our First Official Ministry Newsletter as AIM Missionaries and continue to wrestle and pray over a location.
We realized that Crazy Has Company and I officially gave up on Potty Training anyone else ever. Or at least for the next week.
Luke and I celebrated 8 years of marriage and we continue to marvel at how much the Lord chooses to bless us.
Wow. What a year. 2011 has some big, BIG shoes to fill.
Bring it on 2011. BRING.IT.ON.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Draw the curtains, nail down the blinds
We have a unique living situation. As you all probably already know, we sold our house at the beginning of March. Currently we are renting a house. We are renting it on a "campus." That's about as specific as I'd like to be with our living location and broadcasting it to the interweb, so if you know where we live I'd appreciate the ambiguity as well in your comments.
The reason I'm bringing it up today is because at this very moment, right outside my front door is this:
Yes. Three HUGE inflatable bouncehouses/slides. Where we live they are celebrating. A celebration that only takes place every 5 years, to my understanding. Which means, it's a BIG celebration.
And, we are not really invited to play on those lovely, fun, totally-would-wear-my-kids-out toys that are RIGHT OUTSIDE OUR FRONT DOOR. Yes, that's our lawn furniture and toys laying in the grass. Squeals and laughter are echoing through our house as the sounds of children enjoying themselves on these bounceable toys. And, there's a band playing somewhere on the not so distant lawn.
Those things pretty much make our RRIAP look like a deflated kiddie pool.
Wow. I've never drawn our blinds so tightly as I am today. I think I'll blindfold my kids and carry them out to the van 1 by 1 and leave for the entire afternoon. Thanks to a friend who will make that possible by loaning us her house this afternoon.
I sure hope no one gets the bright idea to look out the window. Something tells me I'll be playing zone defense this morning, with my zone being all the windows/doors on the front side of our house.
Bring on the meltdowns.
The reason I'm bringing it up today is because at this very moment, right outside my front door is this:
Yes. Three HUGE inflatable bouncehouses/slides. Where we live they are celebrating. A celebration that only takes place every 5 years, to my understanding. Which means, it's a BIG celebration.
And, we are not really invited to play on those lovely, fun, totally-would-wear-my-kids-out toys that are RIGHT OUTSIDE OUR FRONT DOOR. Yes, that's our lawn furniture and toys laying in the grass. Squeals and laughter are echoing through our house as the sounds of children enjoying themselves on these bounceable toys. And, there's a band playing somewhere on the not so distant lawn.
Those things pretty much make our RRIAP look like a deflated kiddie pool.
Wow. I've never drawn our blinds so tightly as I am today. I think I'll blindfold my kids and carry them out to the van 1 by 1 and leave for the entire afternoon. Thanks to a friend who will make that possible by loaning us her house this afternoon.
I sure hope no one gets the bright idea to look out the window. Something tells me I'll be playing zone defense this morning, with my zone being all the windows/doors on the front side of our house.
Bring on the meltdowns.
Monday, March 29, 2010
How it's going
This post may mean nothing to any of you but I know that if I don't write this stuff down I'm going to forget. I forgot so much about the twins being babies because I didn't write any of it down. So, here goes. If you're a guy, you may wanna skip this post because I talk about boobs and breastfeeding...a lot.
We are doing well. Ella is such a sweet baby. Really, there is no other way to describe her. Just SWEET. The 2nd and 3rd night home were rough, with Ella pretty much staying awake from 1-5am. Then, Saturday night she did fabulous, waking up every 4 hours to nurse and going straight back to sleep. Last night was okay, since she woke up about every 2 hours.
I'm not a schedule person. All of our babies have put themselves on a schedule within the first couple weeks and I just nurse on demand and watch as they schedule themselves out. I'll help them transition from day to night with a warm bath and usually swaddle them at night and for long naps. It seems to have always worked well for us in the past, so I'm gonna stick with it until I need adjust.
Speaking of nursing, my milk came in very quickly. Very, very quickly. And a lot of it came in. I wouldn't go so far to say that I was engorged but I was close. I had to pump once to relive some pressure and I considered using ice packs one night (but didn't). Since I'd had milk supply issues when nursing Elizabeth and nursing the twins, I really didn't want to do anything to hinder my supply. Unfortunately, my body took over and starting yesterday my milk supply dramatically decreased. I'm sure it is just my body over compensating for the over abundance and within the next day it will all level out. Or at least that's what I'm praying it is. I know that breastfeeding doesn't make me a better mother but I truly LOVE to breastfeed and I think I would be crushed if it doesn't work out. So I'm drinking tons of water and praying it resolves quickly.
We went to an Easter egg hunt at church on Saturday and also to regular church services on Sunday. Everyone was so astounded to see us there. But, I can honestly say that I feel great. I'm tired but physically I feel fine. And, truthfully, it's more work to keep our people at home than it is to go to church and send them into their Sunday school classes. And, our other children need life to be normal as well (and so do I). Keeping them cooped up at home wouldn't help them with transitioning to our new life with a new baby.
I wrapped Ella onto me with a khanga that my friend Lindy gave me and gave people the stink eye if they acted like they were going to touch her. I'm not afraid to tell people that they need to keep their hands off my new baby. And I tell them nicely, of course.
I will post about my birth story sometime soon, in case anyone out there cares. But for now, I'll tell you that I can honestly say, with assurance, that I believe Pitocin is extracted from the veins of the Devil himself and and slowly dripped into the blood stream of laboring women to give them a taste of what hell must be like.
And Epidurals are like God's gift of salvation. And, I'm totally not kidding. Except that I am.
We are doing well. Ella is such a sweet baby. Really, there is no other way to describe her. Just SWEET. The 2nd and 3rd night home were rough, with Ella pretty much staying awake from 1-5am. Then, Saturday night she did fabulous, waking up every 4 hours to nurse and going straight back to sleep. Last night was okay, since she woke up about every 2 hours.
I'm not a schedule person. All of our babies have put themselves on a schedule within the first couple weeks and I just nurse on demand and watch as they schedule themselves out. I'll help them transition from day to night with a warm bath and usually swaddle them at night and for long naps. It seems to have always worked well for us in the past, so I'm gonna stick with it until I need adjust.
Speaking of nursing, my milk came in very quickly. Very, very quickly. And a lot of it came in. I wouldn't go so far to say that I was engorged but I was close. I had to pump once to relive some pressure and I considered using ice packs one night (but didn't). Since I'd had milk supply issues when nursing Elizabeth and nursing the twins, I really didn't want to do anything to hinder my supply. Unfortunately, my body took over and starting yesterday my milk supply dramatically decreased. I'm sure it is just my body over compensating for the over abundance and within the next day it will all level out. Or at least that's what I'm praying it is. I know that breastfeeding doesn't make me a better mother but I truly LOVE to breastfeed and I think I would be crushed if it doesn't work out. So I'm drinking tons of water and praying it resolves quickly.
We went to an Easter egg hunt at church on Saturday and also to regular church services on Sunday. Everyone was so astounded to see us there. But, I can honestly say that I feel great. I'm tired but physically I feel fine. And, truthfully, it's more work to keep our people at home than it is to go to church and send them into their Sunday school classes. And, our other children need life to be normal as well (and so do I). Keeping them cooped up at home wouldn't help them with transitioning to our new life with a new baby.
I wrapped Ella onto me with a khanga that my friend Lindy gave me and gave people the stink eye if they acted like they were going to touch her. I'm not afraid to tell people that they need to keep their hands off my new baby. And I tell them nicely, of course.
I will post about my birth story sometime soon, in case anyone out there cares. But for now, I'll tell you that I can honestly say, with assurance, that I believe Pitocin is extracted from the veins of the Devil himself and and slowly dripped into the blood stream of laboring women to give them a taste of what hell must be like.
And Epidurals are like God's gift of salvation. And, I'm totally not kidding. Except that I am.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Possible...not easy
I just heard from our realtor that it will probably be next week before we close on our house. As anxiety begins to creep into my mind, I am reminded that He is in control. And, I don't think it's an accident OR a coincidence that I found this little sign at Hobby Lobby yesterday.
(Faith makes things possible...not easy.)
When I saw it, I scooped it up and knew it was perfect for this season of our lives. And God has provided for us richly during the last few weeks. I'm sure He will continue to provide for us and through our faith in Him make things possible, if not always easy.
If you feel led to pray along side us for a swift and immediate closing date, we'd be very appreciative.
Thanks friends.
(Faith makes things possible...not easy.)When I saw it, I scooped it up and knew it was perfect for this season of our lives. And God has provided for us richly during the last few weeks. I'm sure He will continue to provide for us and through our faith in Him make things possible, if not always easy.
If you feel led to pray along side us for a swift and immediate closing date, we'd be very appreciative.
Thanks friends.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Did you miss me?
Well, I'm still here. Pregnant and alive somewhere amid the piles of boxes and junk that we call our stuff. We just got our cable and internet hooked up today. It was a nice break from "real" TV and the internet. But I'm glad to be back to 2010.
No baby yet. As of this morning at my Doctor's appointment, I was dilated 2-3 cm and effaced NONE. Yes, NONE. I love my cervix.
We are officially moved out of the "old" house and into the "new" house, which we are renting. However, we have NOT closed on the old house and hope that it happens sometime this week.
Otherwise, we are just doing life as normal. Well, as normal as life gets with 5 children aged 5.5 years and younger, with #6 due any moment now.
You know, normal, simple life. How are all of YOU? Chances are I won't have the time to read and catch up on your blogs. But I've missed you all and reading about your lives.
Hopefully, I'll be posting soon about the new baby. Don't hold your breath though. I know I'm not. I'd love to blog more but people are waking up from naps and requiring my attention. I hope to post quite a few things about the ways that God has blessed us in the last few weeks.
Some of them, actually most of them, are mind boggling. I can't wait to tell you all about it.
No baby yet. As of this morning at my Doctor's appointment, I was dilated 2-3 cm and effaced NONE. Yes, NONE. I love my cervix.
We are officially moved out of the "old" house and into the "new" house, which we are renting. However, we have NOT closed on the old house and hope that it happens sometime this week.
Otherwise, we are just doing life as normal. Well, as normal as life gets with 5 children aged 5.5 years and younger, with #6 due any moment now.
You know, normal, simple life. How are all of YOU? Chances are I won't have the time to read and catch up on your blogs. But I've missed you all and reading about your lives.
Hopefully, I'll be posting soon about the new baby. Don't hold your breath though. I know I'm not. I'd love to blog more but people are waking up from naps and requiring my attention. I hope to post quite a few things about the ways that God has blessed us in the last few weeks.
Some of them, actually most of them, are mind boggling. I can't wait to tell you all about it.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
That girl, this woman
First of all, thanks for all the comments, emails, texts and prayers you offered up on "L's" behalf. I do not know her personally, but through a very close friend. I know that your prayers have not gone unheard. I appreciate it so much more than y'all know. Once more, you guys have blessed me.
It's 11:27pm as I sit here and write this. Baby #6 is doing somersaults in my belly and I have pulled my shirt up to watch my stretch-marked skin roll and jump. Although I never show off my belly to anyone other than my husband and I often look at it with disgust and disdain, tonight I am loving watching this Baby move.
And, it's made me wonder...
I am so quick to hate this body of mine. I hate these stretch marks more than just about anything. I joke around and say that I look like a cat has sharpened his claws all over the front of my body. Seriously, from my boobs to my mid-thigh I have stretch marks and scars from the three children I've carried in my womb.
And what about this extra weight I'm carrying? I mean, I played volleyball on scholarship in college. I was a student-athlete. I'm not claiming to have been the world's best volleyball player and I was certainly not good enough to venture into a Division 1 gym and hold my own. But still, I was decent and I had a pretty good body back in the day.
I worked out for about 3 hours a day, how could I not have been in great shape?
And now, motherhood has moved in and taken up residence in place of the girl I once knew. I weigh a good 40 lbs more than I did in college (that's pre-pregnancy people). My face is beginning to show signs that I'm no longer a 20-something. I can't remember the last time I put on a pair of jeans and thought..."dang, I look good."
I've never been one to care much about wearing make up but now I look at myself and think, "maybe just a touch of something so I don't look quite so bad."
And I wonder...
What is the alternative? What's the opposite side of this coin? Because of what I'm evolving into, does that mean I desire my life to be something else? Am I less than what I could have been because I've succumbed to the life of "just a Mom?"
What could I have been like or what could I have done if I had remained the girl I once was?
Sure, I love being with my kids. I love watching Elizabeth get up from her spelling, walk across the room, hug Baby Girl and then come back to her writing tablet as if it's completely normal for a 5.5 year old to love a 14 month old that much. And I love that Baby Girl follows her back to the table just so she can play on the floor near her oldest sister.
I love to hear Lucas and Ashlee have an in-depth conversation on whether a pig could actually bite a person. I love the looks on their faces when I affirm that a pig can, in fact, bite a person. And, just yesterday, I loved the debate that ensued as they discussed whether or not a pig could ever eat a person and how many bites it might take.
I love watching Aaron dance to any music that he hears. Be it the hum of his siblings, the start up jingle on the computer or that stupid dog that someonewhoshallremainnameless got us that never shuts up and squeals "Hug me AGAIN!" just when I think he has lost interest.
I love it all.
But I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder where the Me is that used to live behind this face. I wonder what happened to the girl who loved riding down the road, wind in her hair, belting out her favorite song. I wonder what happened to the girl with awesome weekend plans involving new and exciting adventures. I wonder what happened to the Me who had few responsibilities and hardly any cares. I wonder where the Me went that could pick up and go and live on little plans and not worry about what we were eating for dinner tonight.
And somehow, I think that girl is still alive somewhere within me. But, she's grown up quite a bit. She's traded wind in her hair and her favorite song for a passenger van's air conditioning on her face and her favorite kids in the back seat(s) singing the same song for the 18th time.
That girl has traded weekend adventures for backyard fun, soccer games at 9am and morning cartoons, cuddled with her favorite people.
That girl has gained responsibilities a many but blessings that abound. She's traded ever-ready for ready-whenever-I-finish-changing-this-diaper.
And you know what? I think if I had shown that girl the life that this woman now has, she would have been blown away. She would have looked at it and laughed wondering how in the heck this life could even compare to that one.
That girl would wonder how this woman could possibly love diapers and dishwashers and Dora. That girl would dread the days that this woman looks forward to.
That girl would always wonder if this was her last day of freedom while this woman knows that real freedom is in what she already has.
And I realize that God doesn't give us glimpses into our far reaching futures for a reason. Because sometimes, the blessings He has in store for this girl might just scare her out of becoming that woman she never even knew she wanted to be.
It's 11:27pm as I sit here and write this. Baby #6 is doing somersaults in my belly and I have pulled my shirt up to watch my stretch-marked skin roll and jump. Although I never show off my belly to anyone other than my husband and I often look at it with disgust and disdain, tonight I am loving watching this Baby move.
And, it's made me wonder...
I am so quick to hate this body of mine. I hate these stretch marks more than just about anything. I joke around and say that I look like a cat has sharpened his claws all over the front of my body. Seriously, from my boobs to my mid-thigh I have stretch marks and scars from the three children I've carried in my womb.
And what about this extra weight I'm carrying? I mean, I played volleyball on scholarship in college. I was a student-athlete. I'm not claiming to have been the world's best volleyball player and I was certainly not good enough to venture into a Division 1 gym and hold my own. But still, I was decent and I had a pretty good body back in the day.
I worked out for about 3 hours a day, how could I not have been in great shape?
And now, motherhood has moved in and taken up residence in place of the girl I once knew. I weigh a good 40 lbs more than I did in college (that's pre-pregnancy people). My face is beginning to show signs that I'm no longer a 20-something. I can't remember the last time I put on a pair of jeans and thought..."dang, I look good."
I've never been one to care much about wearing make up but now I look at myself and think, "maybe just a touch of something so I don't look quite so bad."
And I wonder...
What is the alternative? What's the opposite side of this coin? Because of what I'm evolving into, does that mean I desire my life to be something else? Am I less than what I could have been because I've succumbed to the life of "just a Mom?"
What could I have been like or what could I have done if I had remained the girl I once was?
Sure, I love being with my kids. I love watching Elizabeth get up from her spelling, walk across the room, hug Baby Girl and then come back to her writing tablet as if it's completely normal for a 5.5 year old to love a 14 month old that much. And I love that Baby Girl follows her back to the table just so she can play on the floor near her oldest sister.
I love to hear Lucas and Ashlee have an in-depth conversation on whether a pig could actually bite a person. I love the looks on their faces when I affirm that a pig can, in fact, bite a person. And, just yesterday, I loved the debate that ensued as they discussed whether or not a pig could ever eat a person and how many bites it might take.
I love watching Aaron dance to any music that he hears. Be it the hum of his siblings, the start up jingle on the computer or that stupid dog that someonewhoshallremainnameless got us that never shuts up and squeals "Hug me AGAIN!" just when I think he has lost interest.
I love it all.
But I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder where the Me is that used to live behind this face. I wonder what happened to the girl who loved riding down the road, wind in her hair, belting out her favorite song. I wonder what happened to the girl with awesome weekend plans involving new and exciting adventures. I wonder what happened to the Me who had few responsibilities and hardly any cares. I wonder where the Me went that could pick up and go and live on little plans and not worry about what we were eating for dinner tonight.
And somehow, I think that girl is still alive somewhere within me. But, she's grown up quite a bit. She's traded wind in her hair and her favorite song for a passenger van's air conditioning on her face and her favorite kids in the back seat(s) singing the same song for the 18th time.
That girl has traded weekend adventures for backyard fun, soccer games at 9am and morning cartoons, cuddled with her favorite people.
That girl has gained responsibilities a many but blessings that abound. She's traded ever-ready for ready-whenever-I-finish-changing-this-diaper.
And you know what? I think if I had shown that girl the life that this woman now has, she would have been blown away. She would have looked at it and laughed wondering how in the heck this life could even compare to that one.
That girl would wonder how this woman could possibly love diapers and dishwashers and Dora. That girl would dread the days that this woman looks forward to.
That girl would always wonder if this was her last day of freedom while this woman knows that real freedom is in what she already has.
And I realize that God doesn't give us glimpses into our far reaching futures for a reason. Because sometimes, the blessings He has in store for this girl might just scare her out of becoming that woman she never even knew she wanted to be.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Friday night in the (not so) big city...
Hey peeps. Sorry for not posting a Das Not Funny! Friday post today. I had every intention of stealing borrowing my sisters laptop and posting one, but I didn't. Instead, I slept.
Word on the street (and from my awesome husband) is that Luke and the kids are doing remarkably well. School is being done, playdates are being had and so far everyone is happy, healthy and missing Mommy.
I'm headed off to my high school Alma Mater tonight for a high school football game. I'm both excited and a little apprehensive. If you've read my blog for long you know that I don't have the fondest memories of high school. If you've not been around here for long and you are interested, click on the old photo of Luke and I in my left sidebar under The Story of Us to get somewhat caught up.
Tomorrow, my sister and I are heading up to my old college campus to meet up with a great friend from college. I'm having a great time catching up with family, my BFF and friends, but I miss my man and kids like CRAZY.
Y'all have a good weekend.
Word on the street (and from my awesome husband) is that Luke and the kids are doing remarkably well. School is being done, playdates are being had and so far everyone is happy, healthy and missing Mommy.
I'm headed off to my high school Alma Mater tonight for a high school football game. I'm both excited and a little apprehensive. If you've read my blog for long you know that I don't have the fondest memories of high school. If you've not been around here for long and you are interested, click on the old photo of Luke and I in my left sidebar under The Story of Us to get somewhat caught up.
Tomorrow, my sister and I are heading up to my old college campus to meet up with a great friend from college. I'm having a great time catching up with family, my BFF and friends, but I miss my man and kids like CRAZY.
Y'all have a good weekend.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Home For Sale
As you may know, we have our house on the market. On Sunday we had our second ever showing and the folks seem really interested. They are coming again tomorrow night for a second look and both our realtor and their realtor think they will make an offer.
I'm not getting my hopes real high. There are so many things that have to fall into place before we cankiss this pile 'o debt goodbye begin frantically searching for a new place live. We have to reach a negotiated price, there have to be no hang ups with the inspection or appraisal. They must secure a loan. And finally, closing must go through.
So, I'm trusting. Although it's really hard for me to think about moving from this house because I really love it so much, I know that putting our house on the market was an act of obedience. And if it is God's desire for us to be living someplace else by Christmas time, then we will.
I'm not getting my hopes real high. There are so many things that have to fall into place before we can
So, I'm trusting. Although it's really hard for me to think about moving from this house because I really love it so much, I know that putting our house on the market was an act of obedience. And if it is God's desire for us to be living someplace else by Christmas time, then we will.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Her First Day
Today my 16 year old sister begins her first day of her junior year of high school. Just writing that sentence blows me away because in my mind she will always be 5 years old and look exactly like this:
I know. Kids all over the country are beginning school this week so what makes my sister so special? What makes her first day of her junior year more significant than most 16 year old girls?
Today is the first day that she will go to school without her mother alive. Today is the first day that she will realize that she is not like all the other girls anymore. When other 16 year old girls complain about fights with their moms, her heart will feel that twinge of pain and she will be reminded that she doesn't have that luxury. While other girls are reassured by their mothers that their outfit does indeed look great, she will stare at herself in the mirror and have to reassure herself. When she walks down the halls she will surely pass the nurse's office where her mother used to work. She will be reminded that her mom is no longer just a few doors away. Memories of her mom, her best friend, will flood her heart and mind, no doubt.
Today my sister becomes a woman in so many ways. Today she faces giants that seem to loom in the distance. Today she faces fears that I could never imagine. Today she faces life without her best friend.
Please be in prayer for my sister today. I cannot tell you how proud I am of the young woman that she is becoming. However, this year will prove to be the biggest test of her faith. If you have a few moments, won't you beseech the Wonderful Counselor on her behalf?
Thank you friends. Thank you so very much.
I know. Kids all over the country are beginning school this week so what makes my sister so special? What makes her first day of her junior year more significant than most 16 year old girls?Today is the first day that she will go to school without her mother alive. Today is the first day that she will realize that she is not like all the other girls anymore. When other 16 year old girls complain about fights with their moms, her heart will feel that twinge of pain and she will be reminded that she doesn't have that luxury. While other girls are reassured by their mothers that their outfit does indeed look great, she will stare at herself in the mirror and have to reassure herself. When she walks down the halls she will surely pass the nurse's office where her mother used to work. She will be reminded that her mom is no longer just a few doors away. Memories of her mom, her best friend, will flood her heart and mind, no doubt.
Today my sister becomes a woman in so many ways. Today she faces giants that seem to loom in the distance. Today she faces fears that I could never imagine. Today she faces life without her best friend.
Please be in prayer for my sister today. I cannot tell you how proud I am of the young woman that she is becoming. However, this year will prove to be the biggest test of her faith. If you have a few moments, won't you beseech the Wonderful Counselor on her behalf?
Thank you friends. Thank you so very much.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31
Sunday, November 30, 2008
A Lesson In Solar Energy
I sat on my porch last night in the bitter cold, in the silence, wondering why I felt so yucky. I sat there, wanting to talk to God but not really knowing what to say. I had a million thoughts yet no real thoughts swirling around in my mind. Finally, one thought came into my mind and stuck,
"Why wasn't I a light? That whole week, why wasn't I a light?"
When we moved into this house the one thing that bugged us was how dark the front walk way became at night. For Christmas last year, my grandmother bought Luke some solar powered lights to line our sidewalk (she is oh-so thoughtful...and practical). As I sat there last night I noticed one single light that was still lit. As I watched it fade, I noticed that none of the other solar lights were on. It was late and had been hours since the sun had set. I wondered why that ONE was still burning. Then God told me.
That ONE had spent the most time in the sun.
I had my answer. With no time in the Son, I cannot be a light. I thought about the weeks that led up to our vacation and even the week of. I had spent little to no time in the Son. Is it really that simple? Yes, it is.
Tonight, I went back out onto our porch. None of the lights were shining. It had rained all day today. No time in the sun = no light. Just when our walkway needed it most, on a cold, wet night, those lights were useless because they hadn't spent any time being recharged.
Again, I heard God say; You can be the vessel, equipped to carry the light, but without time in the Son, you will only sit in darkness.
I came in and opened my journal. I had left off at Romans Chapter 8. I began to read and just as He always does, God showed me the answers as to why I felt so yucky, so sinful and so unworthy of His forgiveness.
Paul (the guy who wrote Romans) said basically (this is my own version) that I am continually fighting a battle between my own sinful nature and the God-placed spirit that lives within me. There is NOTHING I can do to deserve to approach the Lord and ask for forgiveness, nothing. However, God chose to forgive me long before my sins ever even came to pass. He did that in the form of His Son, Jesus. If God was willing to sacrifice His only Son for my sins, why was I sitting here, wallowing in my yuck? I'm not worthy to approach Him but He is willing to and ready to forgive.
God himself gave me right standing with Him, it wasn't anything I did. Although I feel so far from Him right now, I am told that nothing, NOTHING can separate me from His love (Chapter 8 v. 31-39). So what was I waiting for? I begged God to forgive me for being so self-righteous and for wallowing in my yuck.
When I looked back at my Bible, I saw Romans Chapter 7. True to His comical nature, I began to read EXACTLY what I have been struggling with. I mean really...if Paul, the author of several books of the Bible felt this way, clearly I'm not THAT abnormal (at least in this regard). Paul says,
"Why wasn't I a light? That whole week, why wasn't I a light?"
When we moved into this house the one thing that bugged us was how dark the front walk way became at night. For Christmas last year, my grandmother bought Luke some solar powered lights to line our sidewalk (she is oh-so thoughtful...and practical). As I sat there last night I noticed one single light that was still lit. As I watched it fade, I noticed that none of the other solar lights were on. It was late and had been hours since the sun had set. I wondered why that ONE was still burning. Then God told me.
That ONE had spent the most time in the sun.
I had my answer. With no time in the Son, I cannot be a light. I thought about the weeks that led up to our vacation and even the week of. I had spent little to no time in the Son. Is it really that simple? Yes, it is.
Tonight, I went back out onto our porch. None of the lights were shining. It had rained all day today. No time in the sun = no light. Just when our walkway needed it most, on a cold, wet night, those lights were useless because they hadn't spent any time being recharged.
Again, I heard God say; You can be the vessel, equipped to carry the light, but without time in the Son, you will only sit in darkness.
I came in and opened my journal. I had left off at Romans Chapter 8. I began to read and just as He always does, God showed me the answers as to why I felt so yucky, so sinful and so unworthy of His forgiveness.
Paul (the guy who wrote Romans) said basically (this is my own version) that I am continually fighting a battle between my own sinful nature and the God-placed spirit that lives within me. There is NOTHING I can do to deserve to approach the Lord and ask for forgiveness, nothing. However, God chose to forgive me long before my sins ever even came to pass. He did that in the form of His Son, Jesus. If God was willing to sacrifice His only Son for my sins, why was I sitting here, wallowing in my yuck? I'm not worthy to approach Him but He is willing to and ready to forgive.
God himself gave me right standing with Him, it wasn't anything I did. Although I feel so far from Him right now, I am told that nothing, NOTHING can separate me from His love (Chapter 8 v. 31-39). So what was I waiting for? I begged God to forgive me for being so self-righteous and for wallowing in my yuck.
When I looked back at my Bible, I saw Romans Chapter 7. True to His comical nature, I began to read EXACTLY what I have been struggling with. I mean really...if Paul, the author of several books of the Bible felt this way, clearly I'm not THAT abnormal (at least in this regard). Paul says,
"I know that I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it.
It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law (here he is speaking of the commandments God gave Moses..I think) with all of my heart. But there is another law at work withing me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."
~ Romans 7:18-25 (emphasis mine)
It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law (here he is speaking of the commandments God gave Moses..I think) with all of my heart. But there is another law at work withing me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."
~ Romans 7:18-25 (emphasis mine)
Those sinful desires that captivated me during my vacation? Oh! They are right here too..right in my own home where I've built my bubble. They are with me at Wal-mart, when I change diapers, when I'm angry at my kids and when I snap at my husband. They are always there.
You see, I am just like those pesky solar lights. The amount of light I produce is directly related to the amount of time I spend in the Son. In the days leading up to or vacation, my Son time was non-existent. Accompany that with the emotion and trials that presented themselves while we were gone and I was not equipped to shine, much less fight.
Please do not read this as a cop out. I'm not excusing myself or saying that it's okay. But like a very WISE 11th grader recently reminded me, guilt is not of God. This guilt I've been carrying around isn't from Him. It's whispers of lies from the enemy. So, my plan now is to soak up the Son in a way I've never done before. I will pray for endurance because that smelly old sinful nature will find ways to hold me back.
Hopefully, the next time you see me I will be shining brightly....maybe even Son burnt.
You see, I am just like those pesky solar lights. The amount of light I produce is directly related to the amount of time I spend in the Son. In the days leading up to or vacation, my Son time was non-existent. Accompany that with the emotion and trials that presented themselves while we were gone and I was not equipped to shine, much less fight.
Please do not read this as a cop out. I'm not excusing myself or saying that it's okay. But like a very WISE 11th grader recently reminded me, guilt is not of God. This guilt I've been carrying around isn't from Him. It's whispers of lies from the enemy. So, my plan now is to soak up the Son in a way I've never done before. I will pray for endurance because that smelly old sinful nature will find ways to hold me back.
Hopefully, the next time you see me I will be shining brightly....maybe even Son burnt.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Confessions of a Vacation Mom
Okay, so you know how I said here that I planned on spending that driving time reading and memorizing scriptures and catching up on my Bible study book? Well, I must confess, I didn't even crack my Bible open. Well, that's not true either, I did open it on Sunday when we visited my BFF's church. I DID get caught up with my Bible study book, but I don't know that I like it very much. But, that's another post entirely.
Anyway, the point in my confessing is that I feel the need to tell you all that I struggled a lot on vacation. You see, being in my hometown is bittersweet for me. If you read this you will know that my time in high school wasn't great. Being "home" always comes with a level of anxiety for me. Usually, I can tolerate it. However, this year more family drama added to the mix made it just a bit more stressful. Now pour in some hurt and pain from issues with another family member and you have nothing short of a recipe for self-pity pie.
Here at home, in my own environment, snuggly safe in my own world, these things do not pose any threats. I can turn to trusted friends who are also believers, blogs of other believers and even prayer to help me through life's daily struggles. On vacation, those first two were not readily available. And I chose NOT to use the third. Why am I telling you all of this? Why am I exposing myself? Because I feel that you deserve the truth? Not really.
I am blogging this because I feel that saying it outloud, with other people watching will remind me of the real place that I should go to find comfort...Him.
So, I'm telling you that numerous times on our vacation I should have cracked my Bible open or prayed for God's wisdom and peace, but instead I chewed at my fingernails, mumbled under my breath, thought negative thoughts and did things that made my Lord none-too-proud. Rarely, when facing these situations did I stop and pray for peace, mercy or understanding. I just don't get it. I do that at home. Why didn't I there?
Then it hit me. I live in a bubble. I live safe and secure in my own little world. I allow very little negativity in. When it does sneak in, I push it out and wall myself in. I surround myself with believers, people who are uplifting and put myself only in situations that I am prepared to handle. I live in a self-created, virtually impenetrable bubble. I am still sitting here in shock. How did this happen? Why did I do this?
I sit on Sunday mornings and tell the 11th graders in my Sunday school class to live what they know. I sit there and tell them that if they really believe, then others around them will see it and it will be evident. I tell them to go out and take with them all that they know and not to fall victim to the world's deceit.
I am a hypocrite. When faced with the most challenging people in my life I chose to shut down. I did not seek out my Savior. Instead, I dealt with it on my own, I put myself and my own abilities above what I knew to be true. Instead of making a difference or being a light, my bulb burnt out and I chose to leave it that way. I just don't get it. That's not me. Or is it? I still have a lot of discovery to do in this area. I have a lot to pray over, a lot to repent about and a lot of allowing of God to search my heart.
But for now, I ask each of you to forgive me. Forgive me for being self-righteous and arrogant. Forgive me for pretending to know how to deal with the world when I don't have a clue. Forgive me for closing myself into a bubble and squelching out anything that is of conflict. Forgive me for being your Sunday school teacher and wondering why it was so hard for you to "get it" when I didn't even "get it" myself. Clearly, I have so much to learn. I pray for you all to bear with me as the Lord teaches, guides and reprimands me in all that I have to learn.
Anyway, the point in my confessing is that I feel the need to tell you all that I struggled a lot on vacation. You see, being in my hometown is bittersweet for me. If you read this you will know that my time in high school wasn't great. Being "home" always comes with a level of anxiety for me. Usually, I can tolerate it. However, this year more family drama added to the mix made it just a bit more stressful. Now pour in some hurt and pain from issues with another family member and you have nothing short of a recipe for self-pity pie.
Here at home, in my own environment, snuggly safe in my own world, these things do not pose any threats. I can turn to trusted friends who are also believers, blogs of other believers and even prayer to help me through life's daily struggles. On vacation, those first two were not readily available. And I chose NOT to use the third. Why am I telling you all of this? Why am I exposing myself? Because I feel that you deserve the truth? Not really.
I am blogging this because I feel that saying it outloud, with other people watching will remind me of the real place that I should go to find comfort...Him.
So, I'm telling you that numerous times on our vacation I should have cracked my Bible open or prayed for God's wisdom and peace, but instead I chewed at my fingernails, mumbled under my breath, thought negative thoughts and did things that made my Lord none-too-proud. Rarely, when facing these situations did I stop and pray for peace, mercy or understanding. I just don't get it. I do that at home. Why didn't I there?
Then it hit me. I live in a bubble. I live safe and secure in my own little world. I allow very little negativity in. When it does sneak in, I push it out and wall myself in. I surround myself with believers, people who are uplifting and put myself only in situations that I am prepared to handle. I live in a self-created, virtually impenetrable bubble. I am still sitting here in shock. How did this happen? Why did I do this?
I sit on Sunday mornings and tell the 11th graders in my Sunday school class to live what they know. I sit there and tell them that if they really believe, then others around them will see it and it will be evident. I tell them to go out and take with them all that they know and not to fall victim to the world's deceit.
I am a hypocrite. When faced with the most challenging people in my life I chose to shut down. I did not seek out my Savior. Instead, I dealt with it on my own, I put myself and my own abilities above what I knew to be true. Instead of making a difference or being a light, my bulb burnt out and I chose to leave it that way. I just don't get it. That's not me. Or is it? I still have a lot of discovery to do in this area. I have a lot to pray over, a lot to repent about and a lot of allowing of God to search my heart.
But for now, I ask each of you to forgive me. Forgive me for being self-righteous and arrogant. Forgive me for pretending to know how to deal with the world when I don't have a clue. Forgive me for closing myself into a bubble and squelching out anything that is of conflict. Forgive me for being your Sunday school teacher and wondering why it was so hard for you to "get it" when I didn't even "get it" myself. Clearly, I have so much to learn. I pray for you all to bear with me as the Lord teaches, guides and reprimands me in all that I have to learn.
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