Hold fast

Those were the words she said the Lord revealed to her as she prayed over what to share with us for the weekend. Hold fast.

And tonight, almost 3 years later, that weekend and those words were the ones that came immediately to mind when a dear friend told me to keep holding on.

It’s been a hard 2 years. Death, loss, grief, dreams that have seemed to dissipate, financial stress, adding a baby to our already crazy house, moving, it’s been an exhausting 2 years. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally it has consumed me in all of those areas. There are days where there is very little left of the old me at all.

But I clung to the side of the mountain. The mountain that seemed to shake beneath me as the world I knew came crumbling down. Yes, over the loss of a girl but also the loss of our dreams. The loss of what we envisioned for our family and for our children. But I clung, though not well at times, because I knew of nothing else to do. My fingernails were bloody and hurting. My feet ever feeling for a ledge to find my footing. Somehow, over time, a ledge appeared. I’m not sure if it was provided for me or if my constant slipping made a rut so that a ledge had been formed. But I found one, either way. I gathered myself, decided it was time to begin climbing again, and I looked up just in time to see the mountain above me begin to crumble again.

Deceit. Deceit that has shaken me to my core. By people I’ve trusted, admired and held in high esteem my entire life. The breath of the enemy is hot on my neck and I cling, once again to the side of the cliff.

And tonight as I sat and shared with a dear friend the depths of the pain, she told me, “just hold on.”

“You shall fear the Lord your God. You shall serve him and hold fast to him and by his name you shall swear.” Deuteronomy 10:20 [emphasis mine]

Oh, I’ll swear all right. Don’t you worry.

Random dropping of swear words because, it just feels good dammit. Check. Check. Checkity, effing check.

“I almost fell off, you know?” I told her. “I was so close.”

“I know. But you didn’t. You held on. Just keep holding on." HOLD ON.

Beth Moore said that same thing to an arena full of women, eager to hear her speak. Some of the girls from my Bible study attended with me and that was her message, the one she said God gave her to speak over our specific group 3 years ago. Hold fast.

I’ll be honest. At the time it didn’t mean a lot to me, I mean, other than the obvious.

Heh. Sure. I can hold fast. Hold fast for what?

But on the drive home tonight it was those words that came screaming back into my brain. HOLD FAST JESSICA. Just hold fast. Help is on the way.

Help? What help? What’s taking so freaking long, anyway?

That weekend with Beth Moore I underlined another ‘hold fast’ in my Bible.

“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23 [emphasis mine]

Oh, I sure hope he who promised proves to be faithful. I sure hope so.

Those verses, that weekend.

Another friend helped me remember the date of that event. July 23-24, 2011. Exactly one year prior, to the day, that Paige died. I don’t believe in coincidences.

I’m weary. I’m afraid. I’m uncertain. But, with all that I have left, I hold fast.


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Side note: For those of you who know me in real life, this is a vulnerable place for me to be, out here on my blog. But after several people encouraged me to just write, I’m putting it out there. NOT because I desire to have you tell me how much you’re praying for me (though, thanks) or because I want to have a stop-and-chat in the hall at church on Sunday (please, just, no).

But, because there is no possible way that I’m the only one. There’s no way that I’m the only person going through this season. Someone else is clinging, with all they have. And you, dear one, are not alone. Let’s hold fast together, shall we? We don’t have to talk about it. We don’t have to hug or make it weird. Let’s just hold on together. Because, I’m certain, even though I’m scared as hell and I’m certainly confused beyond what I can understand, I’m certain that help really is on the way. It has to be. Hold fast with me, okay?

Winner, winner.

The winner of the contest on this post is Jennie Shellenburger!

Congrats Jennie! Contact me at beaverbunch (at) gmail dot com so I can mail you your Storybook Bible!

Technically, Mikaila was first but she said she already had a JSB so Jennie is the first runner up. Like Miss America except with less tears and make up and there's no swim suit round.

Winner, winner chicken dinner. Jennie, if I don't hear from you by Friday, I'll go on the the next person. Cool beans?

A mothering milestone contest!

In 2002 it was 50% of our household.

In 2004 it jumped to 67%.

In 2006 it rose again to 80%.

In mid-2008 it climbed to a staggering 83% of our household.

By the end of 2008, when I thought it couldn't possibly get any higher, it rose to an all time high of 86%.

In 2010 it fell just a bit to 75%.

In mid-2012 it was 56%.

Today, a milestone in our home, has lowered it to the lowest ever at 33%!!! Yipppeee!

In 10 years it's not been even in the neighborhood of the 30s until today, which brought me a glimmer of hope, people.

If you can guess what these percentages are referencing, I'll mail you a paper copy (or buy you the Kindle or Nook copy if you live outside the continental US) of the Jesus Storybook Bible, our family's favorite story time Bible.

To enter, simply leave a comment with your best guess. The most precise guess wins! You can only enter once per user id. If your user id doesn't take me to an email or way to contact you, please leave that in the comments section also in case you win!

* I have not been compensated by the Jesus Storybook Bible or Zonderkids for this post, I simply love this Bible.

** If I texted you the big news this morning, you're automatically disqualified. Sorry!

Entries accepted until 12:01am Saturday, October 6th, EST. Happy guessing!

Anything but common

I love the ESV version of Acts 10:15. “And the voice came to him again a second time, "What God has made clean, do not call common."

Specifically the fact that the Lord references the unclean, or unholy foods, as “common.”

Is it just me or does it cross anyone else’s mind that they are just....common?

I’m a common Mom, living a common life. (Yes, I know we have 6 kids. For us, that’s common.)

Or maybe for you, you’re just a common person, working a common job. Your job isn’t fancy and you’re a creature of habit. You have worn the same shirt to bed since 1983 and you like it that way. By all standards set by the world, you’re common.

Or maybe you’re a rockstar during the day, but when you come home, your house is normal, your food tastes the same as everyone else’s and really, your life is just.....common.

Heck, even Clark Kent was common when he wasn’t leaping tall buildings with a single bound. Right?

But you know what? I think the enemy whispers the same lie to all of us, no matter what day job we hold, no matter how many kids we come home to, no matter what our salary is or how flashy the car is that we drive. No matter if you flip burgers for a living or flip out $100 bills to pay for your breakfast.

It starts as we begin to feel the Lord drawing us to a closer relationship with Him. We see clearly that God is calling us to be set apart, to walk differently, to speak on a more candid level about our faith, to love the people around us that are really hard to love.

For each of us, this calling is different yet deeply personal. Maybe God’s calling you to start a lunch time Bible Study at work. Maybe He’s asking you to walk across the street to that cranky old lady and be her friend. Maybe He’s nudging you to tell that family member, who rejects everything about the gospel, the truth of your relationship with Him. Maybe He’s moving you to increase the size of your family. Maybe He’s beckoning you to the mission field.

For whatever God is desiring for each of us, He equips us to accomplish His work with scripture, confidence and authority by the Holy Spirit. Secure in our new task, we cinch up our pants, take a step out onto this new ground and the lies begin.

“What are you doing? You can’t do this. Why do you think you can? Don’t you realize that you are nothing special? This is huge and you’re just so.....common.”

And it occurs to us that maybe we are just a common person. Fear grips us, the idea of radical change baffles our minds and we become sold on the lie that we are common.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

When God meets us where we are and invites us to know Him in a deep and intimate way, we shed all things common about us. We shed the sin of our commonality and our past self. We shed the inability to be used for the glory of the Lord.

In essence we become quite uncommon. In Acts 10:15 the word common is used interchangeably for the word unclean. And I’d like to assert that when we buy into the lies the enemy so fervently yells in our direction, we are also buying into the lie that we too are unclean.

My friends, if you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, nothing could be further from the truth. And do you see the amazing parallel between being unclean and being common? Whether you consider yourself unclean or merely common, you are placing yourself in a position to accomplish nothing for the glory of God.

The truth is, whatever God is beckoning you to at this moment it is worth pursuing. Don’t let the enemy’s lies of your worthlessness, your uncleanliness and your commonality rob you of the joy found in obedience to God’s purpose for your life.

Flee from a common life. And when the enemy begins to whisper to you the lies and pains of your past and tries to convince you that you cannot possibly accomplish all that the Lord has laid out before you, remind yourself that you are anything but common.

Because, “For what God has made clean, do not call common.”

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Chime in and see what else is being blogged about over at the Summer Session blog. And if you're reading along, how's your Summer Session Reading going?

Jesus makes me glad I'm a sinner

Click here to read why Jesus makes me glad I'm a sinner.

Speaking of Summer Session Reading, how's yours going?

What has the Lord revealed to you specifically since you started reading? He's given me so much to dwell on and pray over.

Have a great Thursday!

Summer Session. Join me?

Wanna know what three words send chills up my spine?

Are you ready for this......

Bible Reading Plan.

I know. The horror.

Probably because in my short time as a follower of Christ (7 years to be exact) each and every time I've began a Bible Reading Plan *shudder* I've failed miserably.

Sometimes I'd make it to the 3rd or 4th week. Most times, I just give up 1 week in when I'm 2 or more days behind. So when our Pastor announced on Sunday that we'd be doing a church-wide Summer Session complete with a Bible Reading Plan I thought, "Yeah. No thanks."

Truth is, I also thought, "You know what? This is for people who don't really read their Bible. This is for people who aren't growing in their relationship with God because they refuse to pick up their Bibles and really read them."

Then, our Pastor hit us with a staggering statistic. He said out of all of the regular church attenders (that would be people who come pretty regularly - not just on Christmas and Easter) only 11% have regular, consistent quiet time, studying the Bible.

ELEVEN PERCENT.

That stunned me. Then I started to wonder....would I consider myself in that 11%. I mean, I have small group on Sunday night with our teenagers, then another small group on Monday nights with my girlfriends, then during the school year I have a small group Community Bible Study group that meets on Thursdays and that's not to mention when Luke and I read together a night during the week.

I mean, I'm good. Right?

Then the Lord gently spoke to me. "Jessica, those are great but really in each of those instances you're reading studies that other people have produced. You're not reading Scripture for yourself. And you've never even read all the way through the New Testament."

Ouch. Okay, I'll do it.

So, I really wasn't going to mention it to Luke. That way, if I failed at least I'd be the only one with a record of my disaster. But then, on Monday night, Luke cracked open his Bible and said, "So, did you do the summer reading for today?"

Yikes! Good thing I had. Then, yesterday I got an email from our Pastor asking if I'd contribute to the blog for the summer reading.

How did he know?

So, I guess I'm making it public.

I, Jessica, am doing a *gulp* Bible Reading Plan this summer.

I'd love you to join me. It's not too late! Plus, sometime today, a post I wrote will be up over on our church's Summer Session blog.

Click here for the Summer Session schedule.

Click here for the blog where there will be posts for each day's worth of reading.

Three days in to the Bible Reading Plan and I'm so glad I've jumped in with both feet. Join me?

Finding Out For Me

We confirmed that Baby Girl will be going to the respite home that I asked for! Yay! I just LOVE it when God takes care of the smallest of details.

Now, a mere 1.5 weeks until I'm in the blissful mountains, remembering every reason why I fell in love with this marvelous man I married....

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I've been studying the gospels this week, really digging into WHO wrote them and why. Before I was a believer I questioned the authenticity of the Bible regularly. I would wonder how all that stuff got in there and how I could be sure that it wasn't tainted by the supposedly sinful people that wrote it.

Today I'm going to head over to Lifeway to pick up a good study Bible, or maybe even a research Bible so that I can dig into the word and find some answers for myself. Although I'm sure there are some good books already written on this subject, this is something I need to seek and find out for myself.

Do you/have you ever had those moments where you look at Christianity or the Bible and wonder how it can all be true? I lived that life for so long. Even after I became "saved" I sometimes read some Scripture and thought..."Is this for real?"

As a mother, I now see the importance of understanding the Bible more than ever. Last night I was reading a chapter from Tedd Tripp's book, Shepherding a Child's Heart. I found that as I discipline our children I need to understand why I am disciplining them and where the sin of their actions come from. I am on authority from God to be their disciplinarian. I got a punch between the eyes when I read what Tedd Tripp said about Godly discipline:

"You do not come to your child demanding, for your own purposes, that he knuckle up to you and obey. No! You come with the corrections of discipline that are the way to life (Proverbs 6:23). You engage your son on behalf of God because God has first engaged you."

Wow. I think I've been approaching discipline with a skewed version of priorities and goals.

With all that said, I know now, more than ever, that my perception of God's word must be accurate and self-discovered. I've relied too heavily on books and "study guides" to help me determine my perception of God's word rather than digging in and finding out for myself. And while study guides and books are great for aiding in understanding, I've made the dramatic fault of relying on them for my SOLE interpretation of the Bible.

So, it is with that that I ask you:

If you are not a Christian (or even if you are) or a person who has a close, personal relationship with Christ, what is the biggest problem (or comprehension issue) you have with the Bible?

I'm sure that any answers I provide will not be that of heavy theology or come with years of research experience. However, I will do my best to answer any I feel capable.

I'll enable anonymous comments for this post.

If I Can Remember Movie Lines...

Scripture memory has always been something I've known I needed to do, but I've struggled to commit to doing, OR I've just tried and failed miserably. However, lately, God has been placing me in situations and bringing scripture to mind. Unfortunately, I am unable to reference the scripture to which I am referring. Sorta makes my credibility look shady.

Therefore, I'm taking the challenge from this blog and committing to memorizing Psalm 139 in its entirety.

Technically, we were suppose to start yesterday, but I figured I'd post it here and see if any of you would like to join me. I certainly need the accountability.

So....if you want to take part, do so. Read Angie Smith's blog for details and don't worry, every 3 days there is a "Catch Up/Review" day so really, it's not too late to start!

Hope you'll join me, and we can badger...er, I mean, spur each other onto memorizing stuff that really matters. If I can remember pointless movie lines, surely I can do this.

My Purpose

My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

~ Colossians 2:2-3

Searching Her Heart

First of all, thanks for all the encouraging words, emails, calls and comments regarding my last post. I appreciate you all so much and I feel incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such supportive friends.

My sweet Elizabeth, her heart is so tender. Those of you that know her personally can attest to her compassionate nature, her desire to please and her focus on detail. Lately, Luke and I have really noticed her focus on God, heaven and salvation. Before I get to the recent details, let me take you back almost 12 months.

We still lived in our old home (we just moved into our current home last October), and I was putting Elizabeth to bed. She was just over 3 years old at the time. We were doing our normal bedtime/story routine and she asked me a question about heaven. I gently tried to explain that not everyone gets into heaven, only those who have Jesus in their hearts. I asked her if she knew how to get Jesus into her heart. Eyes wide, she looked at me and shook her head from side to side. I remember it so vividly, her big blue eyes searching my face while blond curls bounced on her pillow. I told her,

"Well, you have to say a special prayer letting Him know that you love Him and you know you sin, but you want to be better. You know that Jesus died on the cross for your sins and you want Him to live inside you, forever."

We had talked about Jesus before. She knew about the cross. She understood that Jesus was God's son. As a smile crept across her face, she looked at me so matter-of-factly and said, "I need to pray that Mommy."

I wasn't sure that she really understood. I didn't think her 3 year old heart could get it, but I also knew that I couldn't discourage her from praying to a God that is so real to her. At that moment, she repeated after me as we recited a version of the sinner's prayer. With "Amen" she sat straight up, wrapped her skinny little arms around my neck and squealed with delight. Her reaction was pure joy.

Flash forward several months to this past November. Pastor Michael was preaching about something that I cannot recall at the moment. At the end of his sermon two people (both of them people Elizabeth knows) came on stage. As Michael sang, "East to West" by Casting Crowns, Melinda and Chris, on opposite sides of the stage, begin to paint the hands of Christ. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: "Elizabeth, do you know what they are drawing?"

E: "Hands."

Me: "Do you know who's hands they are?"

E: "God's?"

Me: "Yes."

We watched a little and she saw the blood and hole on Chris' painting.

E: "Why his hand have a hole in it?"

Me: "Because that's where the nail went thru when Jesus was nailed to the cross."

E: "How he bleed for?"

Me: "Because it made him bleed to be nailed on the cross."

E: "Did it hurt?"

Me: "Yes."

E: "Did it hurt real bad? Did it burn?"

Me: "Yes, but Jesus isn't hurt anymore because when he went to heaven he didn't feel any hurts."

E: "Why did Jesus have to bleed?"

By this point the song is ending and Melinda is really starting to draw the blood from His hand.

Me: "Jesus had to bleed so that we could go to heaven. He did it because he loves us."

E: "Did he bleed real bad?"

Me: "Yes, but he did it for us and he doesn't hurt now."

At this Elizabeth got so upset she wanted to leave service. In the lobby we had to pray for Jesus' boo-boos.

Now, jump with me to a few months ago when our church took quarterly communion. As the bread began to pass, I explained to her that she couldn't participate because it was special for people who had Jesus in their heart. She seemed fine with this and kept coloring. However, as she watched everyone around her (minus a few kids sitting nearby) take the bread, she asked again why she could not. When I told her once more that it was only for people who had Jesus in their heart, she boldly proclaimed, "But Mommy, I do have Jesus in my heart. Don't you remember?"

I struggled through the rest of communion. As tears welled up in her little eyes, she desperately searched my face for confirmation that I believed her. The rest of the afternoon she reminded me of how much she loved Jesus. One specific comment she made shook me to my core. I asked her, "Elizabeth, how do you know Jesus is in your heart."

Her answer? "Because Mommy, I can feel Him."

Now, back to the present, or somewhat present. Just days before Elizabeth turned 4 she began telling me that she didn't want to grow up. She's said this a few times before but I've mostly just blown it off as being silly. However, this night in particular she kept on and on. I was putting her to bed (do you see a pattern of bedtime discussions here?) and she kept insisting that she did not want to grow up. I told her all of the things that big 4 year olds get to do that little 3 year olds don't get to do, but it didn't suffice her.

Finally, I asked her, "Elizabeth, why don't you want to grow up?"

"Because, I want to live with you and Daddy forever."

"Well, you can live with us as long as you want. Even when you're old." (I sorta had my fingers crossed here.)

Once again, the response of my 4 year old took my breath away.

"But Mom, what if God calls me to someplace else? What if he wants me to go somewhere and help other kids?"

Seriously? How do you reply to that? I just stood there, for what seemed like hours. Finally, I said, "Well, if God calls you someplace else honey, he'll prepare you're heart and it won't hurt quite so much."

After that conversation I walked into our bedroom and looked at Luke. We talked for a long time about whether we thought that Elizabeth had truly accepted Christ that night, almost a year ago, lying in her toddler bed. How could she understand it all? How could she believe? Then it hit us, we don't even get it. We don't nearly get it all. Who are we to decide if she's saved?

Psalm 139 is a favorite of mine for many, many reasons. The entire Psalm talks about the condition of the heart. As I read it and think of my precious girl, I see these verses in a new way:

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
verses 1 - 2

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. verses 23-24

Thank you Lord for already knowing the condition of her precious little heart. Search if fully Lord, so that she may be fully and completely consecrated to you.

PS-We have plans for her to talk about her salvation with someone outside of her family. It's less about us trusting her and more about getting to the true condition of her heart. I have many, many more thoughts about this, but I'll have to save those for a later post.