Like Dandelion Dust

It's been a long time since I've blogged about fostering and adoption. Basically because we are finished with our fostering days in this house (our state has a 5 kid limit on foster homes - clearly we exceed that) and pending adoptions in our house are now final.

We are still waiting on a birth certificate and new social security card for Olivia but otherwise, she's legal in every sense of the word. In fact, it rarely ever occurs to me that Aaron and Olivia are adopted. At least until we are in public with all the kids and Olivia's adoption is obvious.

Like just today while I was loading all the kids into the van and a man who'd been sitting beside us in Chick-fil-A (where we'd just, chaotically, eaten) approached me and asked me where we adopted Olivia from. He was sincere in his questioning and it wasn't meant to be ugly or disrespectful, as sometimes people can be. When I shared with him that both Olivia and Aaron had been adopted as foster children, he said he figured as such (how, I'm not sure) and then shared with me that his own single, adult daughter was beginning the process to become a foster parent. In fact, he shared, his daughter was adopted at 4 days old.

Last night Luke and I finished watching Like Dandelion Dust. Certainly, that's the hardest we've both cried over a movie in a long, long time. I dreamed last night about our adoptions and remembered the turmoil I felt with each passing courtdate and each visit that went less than desirable.

I am watching a dear friend of mine walk through this season of fostering. Watching her heart break as birth parents are given chance after chance after chance, often when it feels as if they've been given too many chances already. How my heart aches for her and longs to tell her that it will all be okay. But people told me that stuff too and it was hard for me to hear it as well.

One thing that the movie made me realize, all over again, is that I'm very quick to vilify birth parents.

If they don't make enough of an effort? My conclusion is that they can't possibly love their child enough.

If they don't show up for visits? My conclusion is that they can't possibly make enough time for their child.

If they can't stop using the substances that made their child come into care in the first place? My conclusion is that they are so entangled in their sin that they could never show their child the glory of God.

Of course, I'd never say those things outloud (well, except for now) but the truth is I judged the birth parents of our adopted children then and in many ways, I still do. I judge them for who they aren't and the fact that they don't meet my expectations of what a parent should be for their kids. I judge them because, more than likely, they've not changed their ways.

I fully expected myself to hate Rip (the birth father) at the end of the movie. But my feelings were caught off guard and by the end, I had so much sympathy for him. Sure I was pissed that he had the audacity to take back a son that had never known him as a father, to tear a child away from the only home he'd ever known. But I kept thinking, he's not evil. He's not a villain. He just wants his boy, a boy he's never known.

And the truth is, I'm no better than the birth parents in the movie or the birth parents of Aaron or Olivia. Sure, they've made mistakes. But, hello, I live with myself every day and I know just how much I mess up. And while I'm busy heaping judgement on birth parents of my children (and of other children I know living in the foster care system or children who've been adopted) I need to step back and realize that I'm not perfect either. I don't always make enough effort. I am often so wrapped up in my own idols (substances) that I neglect my kids in some area. God convicts me of areas I need to change and, often, I refuse to make the changes.

I am so entangled in my own sin, that my children may struggle to see the glory of God because of ME.

That's a hard pill to swallow, that big 'ol pill of self-righteousness.

I'm not going to spoil the end of the movie, in case you've not seen it and want to watch, but I will tell you that I cried more in the last 10 minutes than I did throughout the rest of the movie. And, I cried a lot throughout the movie. In fact, Luke and I got started watching it late on Tuesday night and my mean 'ol husband (knowing what was best for me and that I needed sleep) made us pause it about 35 minutes in and watch the rest last night. I cried myself to sleep on Tuesday night, thinking about what I would do if social services showed up at our house and told me that there'd been an issue with Aaron or Olivia's adoption and the birth parents wanted them back.

I'll close by telling you this story. I know a woman who traveled the same journey of fostering and adoption as we did. In fact, their journey was nearly step-by-step the same as ours with Olivia. After the final court hearing where their son's birth parent's rights were completely terminated this woman, who I am blessed to call a close friend, stood outside the courthouse, wrapped her arms around her son's birth mother and cried with her. She told that mother of her desperate need for Jesus. She told her that Jesus could change her life.

A few months ago, that birth mother died, never knowing the transforming power of Christ. However, my friend cannot ever stand before the Lord and say that she didn't share the truth. Though she herself is flawed, and is the first to admit such, she knows that apart from Christ her life looks no different that that of an addiction controlled, effort lacking, glory of God hiding woman whose children have been taken from her.

She reminds me that when I look in the mirror, I too see a birth mother struggling with the tightening tentacles of sin and that judgement is just a reflection away.

Bound by birth, Adopted with love

God orchestrates all things for His glory for those who love Him. Did you know that? I had read it right here before but it never really hit me exactly how it worked until many months after we had taken Aaron as our first placement as his foster parents. You see, shortly after the phone call we received informing us of Aaron's birth and, additionally, asking us of we'd be willing to take him into our home, I was on the phone with another woman who cared deeply about our sweet Aaron.

She was not someone from the Department of Social Services (DSS) office. She was not his birth mother. However, she cared deeply for him even though she'd never met him.

I remember sitting there at our table, listening to her voice through my phone, not totally understanding what was about to happen. I remember wondering what her role in his life would be, what it could have been, if only circumstances had been different.

You see this woman, who told me how much she loved our new little baby, had a very special connection to him.

She is the mother of Aaron's biological brothers.

She had walked the road that we were about to journey down. She had the dirt and blisters on her feet and sweat and blood on her brow from miles of walking a road that is tough and not for the faint at heart. She and her husband knew what it meant to love someone as your own flesh when they come from the womb of another woman.

And although much of Aaron's story is for him to tell and not me, I wanted to share with you all a very special relationship that our family is forming with some very special people.

These two precious boys share the same birth parents as our sweet Aaron. "N" and "C" are so sweet and all boy, just like our Aaron. They share similar features, like their bright blue eyes and a sweet, round nose. In fact, when their Mom "S" shared some of N and C's baby photos with me, it was like looking at photos of our Aaron, except with double vision!

And one day, they will share in being told the same story. The story of entering into foster care for reasons privileged only to them. The story of being placed into the arms of a mother who grew them in her heart, rather than her womb. The story of being loved, unconditionally, even though they didn't belong to this new family by birth.

The story of Mr. T and Mrs. S desiring to begin their boys' relationship with our son early on, when Aaron and N and C were only tiny babies.

(This is Aaron, at 2 months old, with N and C who were 14 months.)

The story of love, that brought them from what could have been to what truly is. Currently, we enjoy a loving relationship and special bond with N and C's family. They have kept Aaron on several occasions, even overnight. Both Mr. T and Mrs. S, as well as Luke and myself, desire for our boys to know that they are brothers.

This special relationship, we pray, will help them understand their unique situations as they grow older. And, as they one day struggle to understand the circumstances with their birth parents, we pray that having each other will help. We pray that growing up more than just birth siblings, but as friends, they will be able to identify with someone who comes from where they come from.

And ultimately, my prayer is that each of them will be able to cling to the One who provided a way for us all to be adopted, even when they are uncertain about the reasons for their worldly adoption.


This is what is unique about adopting a child through our local foster care agency (or in our case, our county's DSS). Often, ties with birth family is available. For us, being adoptive parents isn't about cutting them off from their birth family. It isn't about alienating them from who they are by birth.

However, they did come into foster care for a reason. Unfortunately, and all to often, those reasons prohibit us from feeling like there is a safe way for them to interact with birth family. In Aaron's case these boys, his birth brothers, are in a safe and loving home where spending time with them is not only possible but pleasurable. Mr. T and Mrs. S love Aaron so very much and it is evident on their faces each time they see him. Likewise, we adore N and C, although our time with them is much more sparse right now (due to the needs of our other children, we don't get 1 on 1 time - or 1 on 2 time - like we'd enjoy).

For neither of our fostered/adopted children, a relationship with their birth parents is not healthy or possible at this time in their lives. But, we when the time comes that they ask questions, we will not lie. Truth will prevail in our answers about their past. And while we will have to reveal things to them that will surely break their hearts and make them question their value, we pray that they will find their answer right in front of them.

We love them. God loves them.

For Olivia, having a relationship with birth family is proving more difficult. We wanted to wait until her adoption was final before pursuing those relationships. Now that her adoption is legal, we plan on beginning that process so that she may begin forming relationships with stable members of her birth family.

These are new waters for us to navigate, this balance between birth family and our family. But, we feel confident that the Lord placed these children into our home for a purpose. He placed them here for His purpose. And our desires are to allow our adopted children as much interaction with birth family that is safe. We feel blessed to have such with Aaron's birth brothers. For Olivia it will be new ground that we will walk on lightly, with our eyes prayerfully fixed on the One who knew all of this before the creation of the world.

Pain And Anger

I need to rant. This is the place. If you don't enjoy angry peeved ranting, you'd better leave now.

What in the crap is wrong with Baby D's birth parents? I mean I know what's wrong with them..sorta, but I mean what the crap? They canceled EVERY visit in the month of February (wait...they might have had a visit the first Friday in February, I'd have to check) but STILL. They only saw him twice in January because they canceled all other visits then too.

Last night at 8:00pm, they called the social worker and canceled today's visit? The reason?

"We have some errands we need to run."

WHAT!?!

Okay, lemme make sure I understand you correctly. You've been sick, without healing, for about 2 months straight (although not too sick to file their taxes..but that's another story for another time). Then, when you're finally "well" enough to see your son (the one you claim to care so much about that when the social worker suggests you consider relinquishing your rights, it sends you into a furious rage) you cannot see him because your schedule is so packed with "errands" that you cannot spare TWO FRIGGIN' HOURS to see your baby?

Give me a break. I've been sitting on this all day, and the more I think about it the more angry I get. I'm glad that they are digging themselves into such a hole that on March 16th the judge would have to be blind, dumb and without ANY competent thought what-so-ever to NOT change the plan to TPR (Termination of Parental Rights).

Everytime I think about it I just burn with anger. However, at the same time, I am so filled with sadness for them. Sadness because they do not know what they are missing. Sadness that they don't understand or know a Savior. Sadness because when Baby D is a man, he will have to accept the fact that his Birth Parents didn't do a single thing to try to get him back.

I've felt rejection from a parent and it burns you to your core. It hurts beyond any hurt I've ever felt. To know that I have a parent who knows where I am, that they could have a part of my life, yet they make no effort to really know me, well, it's painful. And it's a pain that my sweet boy will know one day, as he grows into a man.

He doesn't know any pain from them now. All he knows is that I'm his momma, his daddy loves him and he has the craziest siblings, who he loves without fail. But one day, in the not-so-distant future, he will awaken to the realization that they failed him. I pray that when this time comes, that he will know the Father deeply. That he will see the provision that God has made for him and that the pain will be healed by the hands of the One who knows all pain.

Sweet Father, please guard his heart until the time that You can heal all hurts. Guard him Lord until he becomes the man You have chosen Him to be. Give him mercy and compassion for these people who conceived him and allow him to shower them with Your love, unlike any other.

A Ramble of Raw Emotion

The social worker who does Baby D's visits called bright and early this morning at 8:00am. I have come to know what an 8:00am call means. The birth parents canceled the visit...again. Since January 1st, they have canceled a total of 5 out of 7 visits (so I was off 1 on my last post...oops). For the 1st three they canceled, birth dad has a stomach virus (that spanned 1.5 weeks). Then, they canceled because it was too cold outside. Today they canceled because birth dad has strep throat.

Now, I know I'm the LAST person who needs to question anyone when it comes to being sick, but COME ON! I don't know, maybe I'm just jaded when it comes to them telling the truth. I mean, they claim they are doing EVERYTHING to get their son back, yet they CLEARLY are not. As I said in my last post, they cannot stop doing the ONE THING that brought him into DSS custody in the first place.

Also, I caught them in a lie last week (you know, when the social worker picked him for one of the two visits he's had this month). A while back at an agency review I asked them if they smoked in front of Baby D because he was coming home smelling like smoke. They assured me that they were not and even went so far as to claim that they DID NOT smoke in their house. Well, I've known this was a lie for some time now, however they have continued to claim that they do not smoke in their house. (Which I mean, WHY LIE? As long as you aren't smoking in front of him....who cares?)

At any rate, whatever I send with Baby D to visits comes home smelling like a chimney. Lately I've been sending a hand made blanket that I received as a shower gift when I had the twins. I send it because it's the heaviest blanket I have that isn't PINK. Anyway, I asked the social worker if she would please make sure that they didn't spread it out on the floor because I am having to wash it a lot and I'm afraid it will begin to wear. I asked her if she thought they smoked in their house and she said,

"I know they do. When I bring him in for his visit they move ash trays and stuff."

I just stood there, letting the new knowledge sink in, wondering why it shocked me so much. I KNEW they were lying.

This isn't the only time they've been caught in a lie, and I'm sure it won't be the last.

As I continue this journey, I never cease to be amazed at the raw emotion I feel toward these people. I know I should encounter them with grace, love and mercy but for some reason, those are not the emotions that spring forth from my heart when they come to mind.

I know at a time when my own family cannot shake a month's worth of sickness, I should not be questioning someone else's health, but it's just so stinkin' hard to believe ANYTHING they say.

-----------

As for OUR health, Lucas spiked a pretty high fever last night, but so far Ashlee has been fever free for almost 24 hours. Yay! Of course, now that I say that I'm sure she will begin to puke or something else totally gross. I am feeling MUCH better (upon the advice of my Mom to start some vitamins ASAP). Thanks so much for your prayers for my family's health.

Now, if you'll just pray for my MENTAL health, I'm sure everything will work out just fine and my blood pressure will return to normal!

Birth Parents Do The Darndest Things

The craziest thing about being a foster mom is the realization that this person you love isn't REALLY yours. I mean, cognitively I know that. My heart doesn't seem to get the point.

When I hold Baby D, I think about my son. When I kiss his fat, round cheeks I think about my son. However, every Monday and Thursday, for 2.5 hours, I'm reminded that he's NOT my son. I am required to load him into the car of a social worker and allow him to be driven away.

When I hold Baby Girl, I feel love. When I kiss her soft head, smell her hair (yes, she has LOTS) and feed her at 3am, I feel love. When I talk to the social worker about how the visit went with birth mom, I'm reminded she's not my daughter.

However, these things I can tolerate. What pushes me to my limits is when birth parents decide to do (or say) things that, in my opinion, they have no right to do (or say).

For example, last Monday Baby D came home from a visit. I was at the hospital picking up Baby Girl, so Luke had the chance to speak with the social worker. Upon Baby D's return, the social worker tells Luke that the birth parents gave Baby D GRAPE JUICE. Are you kidding me?

This is further proof that God is in control. Had I been home, I'm not sure what I would have said. Thank you Lord for allowing my much calmer, more level headed husband to receive this news.

Now, if you're not a baby person, what you may not realize is that 4 month olds rarely need juice. You have the occasional baby who is extra constipated and needs the encouragement. Baby D is not one of those babies. At any rate, you usually offer these "backed up" babies Apple Juice and on rare occasion, Prune Juice.

NEVER GRAPE JUICE!!!

Grape juice is so completely NOT the first thing you introduce to a 4 month old. At least they had sense enough to dilute it. Baby D was incredibly fussy the rest of the afternoon (requiring being held...NOT good when you have a newborn) AND for the first time in 2 weeks, he woke up off and on throughout the night.

I cannot tell you how ticked I was. I'm over it now.

My encounters with birth parents does not end there. Oh no! On Friday, Baby Girl had her first visit with birth mom. When the social worker (same one) returned her to our home, she told me that birth mom said,

"From now on, when she goes out, can you make sure she has on a hat AND socks."

My blood still boils just thinking about it. Are you stinkin' kidding me?

This woman, who had her child taken from her because she COULD NOT REFRAIN FROM ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES WHILE PREGNANT, is asking me to please protect her baby with a hat and socks.

(For the record, it was a little chilly out, however, Baby Girl had on a onesie WITH a fleece-like jumpsuit on, PLUS a heavy blanket.)

I think there are still teeth marks in my tongue.

Over the last few years, God has emphasized patience, silence and refrain from harsh words. Never have so many reminders of scripture flown through my brain than at the moment the social worker uttered these words to me.

On another note, this week will be a crazy one. Baby D and Baby Girl both have visits on Monday, and we have Classical. On Wednesday, some dear friends return from Africa, on Thursday Baby D goes for another visit and on Friday we have doctor appointments for Baby D's 4 month check up (which means shots) and a weight check for Baby Girl.

Whew! I'm exhausted already. The good news is that Luke and I finally broke down and we hired someone to come clean our house. Okay, Luke broke down. I would have went for this YEARS ago.

She starts Monday. I CANNOT tell you how much I am looking forward to coming in from Classical on Monday to a fresh, clean house.

I smile just thinking about it. No more ring around the toilet, no more crunchies in the carpet, no more toothpaste dribble on the mirror, just....clean. For one day (okay maybe just until nap time is over), I will enjoy clean.

Ahhhhhhh.....maybe next week won't be so bad after all...as long as birth parents don't do anything crazy.

Praying for Them

I've prayed and thought a lot about my emotions with yesterday's news concerning Baby D. Here's what I've come up with:

I don't want D to ever look back at his life and ask himself (or anyone else)

Why wouldn't my birth parents fight for me? Why wasn't I good enough?

I've asked myself these questions throughout my life and it's heartbreaking what these thoughts, these emotions and Satan's lies can do to your spirit. I think the reason I'm so angry with his birth parents is because one day, regardless of his final forever home, he'll have these questions surface and the emotion tied to them will cut his heart and leave scars. I never want him to feel that pain. Now, he will.

With that said, I've decided that I am going to take 10 minutes of each of my days this weekend (Friday, Saturday and Sunday) and pray specifically for D's birth parents. I ask you, that if God impresses it upon your heart, that you would join me.

I ask specifically that if you feel lead, to pray that they would be drawn to our Creator. That his birth parents would feel the love of the Father, the redeeming power of the Savior and the joy in a new life with Him.

Part of me doesn't want to post this because I know prayer works. I know that if I ask all of you to pray, and if you do, God may answer my request. With that, it may mean that they get their lives back together and he may return to them. However, I know that my God is big. I know that His love is endless and I know that I will never be able to begin loving these people if I do not submit to His desire. For now, I feel His desire is for me to pray for them.

I must put my own selfish desires aside and pray. Ultimately, my heart would forever rejoice if two more people joined the kingdom of God.

So, if you feel called, please offer up prayer on behalf of Baby D's birth parents, J and M. I appreciate you all so much and I know that, regardless of the final outcome, God is good, His power is mighty and His love forever faithful.

Thank you so much.

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
~ Zephaniah 3:17

Father, my God~
I am so unworthy of your love, your redemptive grace and your mercy. Father, you truly know the desires of my heart when it comes to Baby D's forever home. However Lord, I will be obedient to you. You have placed in my heart an ache for D's mother. You have offered to me a Savior worthy of nothing I can give. Lord God, reach into their lives, make their hearts receptive and their souls willing. Lord speak to them, just as you spoke to me almost 6 years ago. Draw them into your love and help them to see that a life in you is the only life worth living.

Lord, these prayers may bring consequences that I do not want to face. But God, I know that you are bigger than my broken heart and, Lord God, if it's your desire to return D to his birth parents, Father you will heal me and draw me to you, providing me the peace that only you can bring. Father, I love and praise you and ask in Jesus' name that you reach these people for your kingdom. Thank you for my salvation. I love you. Amen.