Tearfully Groaning

I got an email today from Baby D's social worker. She had a visit with the birth parents last Friday. I know I've said it a thousand times, but I will say it once more, I cannot go into details.

I received a lot of new news today. News that I cannot decide what to make of. Part of me leaps for joy while another part mourns the failure of the birth parents once more. Not too long ago, I professed to someone that I wasn't a crier. Well, I think it's safe to say that I am eating my own words.

Since we got Baby D, I have cried more than all the past 5 years combined. Today is no exception. I have no idea how to feel. Should I rejoice in their failure because that means more possibility of him being ours forever? Or, do I weep for this mother because I see the opportunity she's missing? My soul just can't make sense of it all.

I humble myself before God and ask for Him to restore them. Draw them to Him, make them clean. At the same time, I pray for swiftness and boldness with the courts. I pray that the judge would see them in all of their mess ups and allow him to be our boy, forever. My heart is so torn, my thoughts too jumbled.

I used to have this verse taped on the window above my kitchen sink. I knew that I was looking at it daily for a reason. At the time, it only applied to me in itsy-bitsy situations. Over the last 3 months, it has been the anthem of my Spirit:

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
~ Romans 8:26-27, The Message

Lord God! I am so tired of waiting. I love this child so very much. Most days, I look at him and forget he's not really mine. I know your Spirit is along side me Lord, helping me through this raging sea of emotions. I don't know what to say to you God. I don't know what to feel. Let your Spirit intercede. Bring your mercy to me and allow me the comfort that you so richly provide. As my Spirit groans oh God, hear the desires of my heart. Make me feel the love for these people as you feel love for them. Keep my sweet baby safe Lord, out of harm. I know that all things work together for your glory Lord, but I'm struggling to see the purpose now. Keep me before you God, keep me drawn to your unfailing love. Make these details of my life sing and dance together for your love, your will and your purpose. Amen.