Ordinary

I know that what I'm about to say is not really going to shock any of you. But I have something I want to tell you. Lean in real close, okay?

Ready?

I'm ordinary.

Yep. Just an ordinary girl, who loves the Lord, her husband and her half a dozen crazy kids.

Nothing special. Certainly NOT a "Super-Mom" and definitely NOT a Saint. Despite what people say, I don't have a more-direct-than-you line to God. In fact, there are still days that I don't even open my Bible. Thankfully, those days are becoming fewer and fewer, but they still exist.

I'm not perfect, I think bad thoughts, I say bad things, I DO bad things. Sometimes, when the phone rings, I look at who's calling, roll my eyes then hit "Silent."

I know. Terrible isn't it?

I'm normal. Just because we adopted kids doesn't make us "Mega-Parents." Just because we desire to be Missionaries doesn't mean we are perfect. And while I do believe that we are to be held to a higher standard because of our roles within in the church and our desires to lead people to the feet of Christ, we are still sinners desperate for the grace and forgiveness that the Lord has to offer.

Wanna know what else? I'm scared.

Truth is, I'm a little worried I'm going to have a panic attack on Thursday morning. Just thinking about kissing my man and my kids good-bye for 11 days makes my heart pound, my eyes well up with tears and my breathing become more rapid.

I'm afraid. The enemy takes advantage of my fears and whispers lies to me,

"What will happen to them if you never come home?"

"No good mother would leave her kids and go half way around the world."

"What if they get sick or hurt and you're not here?"

"What if something serious happens and you never even know about it?"

"If you die, will they ever even remember you?"

Just typing those things out has made me short of breath. Truthfully though, I have two choices.

1) I can allow that fear to grip me, paralyze me both spiritually and physically and ruin my preparations over the next two days. I can cave to the attacks of the enemy, who knows how to prey on me in the most vulnerable areas of my life, and melt into a puddle of tears and fear.

OR

2) I can believe that God is sovereign and no matter what happens over the next 2 weeks, HE IS IN CONTROL.

I'm choosing Option #2. And I'm reminding myself of Option #2 moment by moment.

And I'm clinging to Psalm 56:3-4

When I am afraid,
I put my trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise,
in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
What can flesh do to me?

And also Romans 8:31

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

I believe that Christ is worth it. Worth everything that I have. Christ is worth leaving my husband and children for 11 days and traveling to a country with no power grid. A country that runs solely on generators. A country that is listed as one of the poorest in the world. This trip aligns with Scripture, so I know that God is for these things. I believe that He is worth everything that I have.

I believe Acts 1:8 was written for me, and for YOU. I believe that Guinea-Bissau is the ends of the Earth. I believe that God is preparing the hearts of the Badyara people in Canquelifa, Guinea-Bissau to hear about the Best Thing that's ever happened on this Earth.

I believe that the Lord will have His hand on my family and whatever happens, it is FOR HIS GLORY. I believe that I will step onto a plane on Thursday not fully understanding what He intends to show me. I believe that I will return as a changed woman. How could I walk with God and remain the same?

I'm a small town, southern girl who lives in an ordinary house and lives an ordinary life. I'm not any more special than anyone else. Just an ordinary girl serving an amazing, anything-but-ordinary-God.

And I'm asking for your simple, heartfelt, BOLD and BIG prayers. Will you pray that my ordinary self (and the other ordinary people I'm traveling with) will be used in a way that will baffle the people around us?

Here's the basic outline of where our team will be and when. You can click over my sweet friend Wendi's blog for an outline of how to pray for our team.

Here's the outline of our schedule:

Depart April 7, 2011: (I'm leaving out specifics on our departure and return times and layovers, because y'all, the internet creeps me out.) Just know we leave about Noonish.

April 9th, 2011: After a whole DAY of a layover in a our connecting city, we arrive in Guinea-Bissau verrrry early in the morning Guinea-Bissau time. Load up all our luggage and supplies and drive for THREE HOURS on a bumpy, horrible road in a vehicle that's probably not suited for 6 people and their luggage. I'd love for you to pray that NONE of us get carsick.

We spend a full day on April 9th with some Missionaries who live in Eastern GB.

April 10, 2011: Travel to the village of Canquelifa, Guinea-Bissau (Again, another hot, cramped, lengthy, bumpy car ride.) Click here to see the best detailed map I could find of GB. Canquelifa is up there in the top, right hand corner of the country. I have a feeling that the village of Canquelifa is going to give this country girl a whole new perspective of "living in the sticks."

April 11 - 15, 2011: Team will begin door-to-door (or hut-to-hut) evangelism in the mornings. Most of the people of GB are animistic or believe in folk Islam. Please pray specifically that the Lord would soften the hearts of the people so that they can hear that what we are saying is TRUTH. In the evenings, we will show a series of films in an effort to disciple the few believers that are in the village. Please pray for the team members as we attempt to disciple believers through an interpreter.

April 16, 2011 - Another hot, bumpy, lengthy car ride (over 5 hours worth total).

April 17 - 18, 2011 - Travel home, arriving in the evening on the 18th.

Thank you for praying for myself, Wendi, another stay-at-home mom named "L" and two gentlemen ("I" and "V") who are seasoned travelers to Guinea-Bissau.

And thank you for praying for our families as they live life here at home. You guys are awesome.

I can't wait to tell you all about what God has done and continues to do in Guinea-Bissau! Talk at you in a couple weeks.

Baby D Update

I thought I should probably update you all on the situation with Baby D. Yesterday, I went for an Agency Review. Basically this is where different people from DSS departments meet and review the case. In the meeting was Baby D's social worker (the same social worker his birth parents contact), the assistant to the attorney for the Guardian Ad Litem, some lady from the health department and another lady that I'm not sure what she does. Also present was, me! The birth parents were not there. Baby D's social worker said that birth dad had intentions on coming, and she continued to check to see if he was there.

Anyway, the meeting lasting about 15 minutes. They reviewed why Baby D was removed from the home, what the birth parents have completed from the case plan, what happened in court (minimal). They asked me how he was doing and if I had any questions. My heart wanted to scream, "Yes! I have a freakin' question. When are you guys gonna wake up and realize the he's better off with us?" Instead, I nodded politely and said no. Anyone who knows me personally can tell you that I am not a quiet person by nature. However, for the span of that 15 minutes I was relatively silent.

I was nervous about attending the review, not because it was a review but because I knew there was a chance I'd have to deal with the birth parents. Anytime I see them, it stirs up so much emotion. As I was walking into the governmental buildings, I look up and boldly displayed is

"IN GOD WE TRUST."

In a day where so many governmental buildings are having to take down their proclamations to God, this one was there. On that day, stemming from weeks of struggles, He was there. Jeremiah 29:11 raced through my mind once again. I took a deep breath, picked up all of my emotions and continued into the building, Trusting In God.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to
prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
~Jeremiah 29:11, NIV

Photo update:

Baby D's bathtime is a family event

He's growing so much. I bet he weighs
almost 10 lbs!!

Faith and Choices

Last night, some of our friends came over. Matt and Britt are the kind of friends that can handle the raw us. They have pretty much seen the range of emotions we've had since getting sweet Baby D (except cry, because I don't do that...right?). I treasure their friendship more than they'll ever know. With them, we have a closeness that seems as thought it's been there for ages, even though when I stop and think we've really only been friends with them for less than 2 years (which just completely blows my mind).

Basically Britt is just like Luke (which is why I love her so much I think) and Matt and I are quite similar as well. He and I love to debate and usually Britt and Luke can't get a word in edgewise. So last night, they came over and we were debriefing them about our time in court. I say debrief because that's exactly what it feels like with them. We strip everything down and get to the bare bones, then they continue to help us pick it apart. I love that we can do that with them and that we don't have to hold back. We can rant and say things that are purely selfish and they allow it, knowing it's not really our true heart but rather something we just needed to say. If you have friends like this, you understand what I'm talking about. If you don't, find some.

Last night, Luke and I were really getting worked up. Luke was ranting about how obvious it is that we would be the best place for Baby D. We were going on and on about how sorry we thought it was that the birth parents didn't even ask about him yesterday. We were venting about how ridiculous it was that the attorney made it abundantly clear to the court that the birth parents paid for Baby D's circumcision, even thought it was "elective." While Luke and I understand where the attorney is coming from, he was pitching their actions to the court as if they should win a Parent of the Year award or something. Disgusting. After Luke finished his rant, this is basically how mine went:

Absolutely! I mean, let's make sure everyone knows that they paid for the circumcision. I mean, after all it is expensive to parent a child. I mean, we've hardly done anything for Baby D. We've just paid the power bill so that he could have heat, lights and warm water. We've only paid the water bill so he could have water in his bottle to mix his formula. We've only provided every diaper he's ever used. We've only paid for the gas in our car to take him to the doctor. We've done those things because THAT'S WHAT PARENTS DO!

Then Matt said something that really made me stop and think. It wasn't his intention to convict me, but I know God placed that thought in his head because it was exactly what I needed to hear. He said, Yeah, if this was a custody battle it would be over.

That's it. In my mind, this entire thing has been a custody battle of sorts. It has been about what seems to be Baby D's obvious best interest, in my opinion. I don't know if I've been looking for validation, or if God just chose to make it obvious. I can see clearly that we are doing what is in the best interest of this Baby. I need no further reason other than being a mother. Mothers love their babies. Mothers care for them, despite impending heartache. Mothers choose to love above all else. Mothers do what it takes to care for their kids. Mothers make sacrifices. I'm a mother to Baby D, not someone on one side of a courtroom, fighting for custody. I love how God completely places situations, friends and comments in my path to redirect my heart just when it begins to slip.

This week I read Hebrews 11. I realized that my God is faithful. I realized that I am not. I need to place all of my faith in Him. If He chooses to bless me with the desires of my heart, then I am unworthy. If He chooses to increase my faith through a challenging outcome, then I am unworthy. Either way, God stays the same and I remain in a place of choice. For me, the choice is simple, I choose to have faith. I choose to trust. I choose His way, because really, what other choice do I have? One day, He will show me the promised land. The journey to get there will be nothing like I expected. I have faith that He loves me and desires the best for me. The joy is in the journey and my faith lies in Him. I love Hebrews 11:40

God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

He has something better for us. Together, with great friends, He is making me perfect.

The Sheerest of Gifts

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
~ James 1:2-4 (The Message)

Pure joy, huh (That's the NIV translation)? A sheer gift? Really? If such is the case, then I'm so tickled I could pop! I love how it is written in The Message version because it reads,

when tests and challenges come at you from all sides (emphasis added).

I totally feel that way right now. I am being tested from every angle. Family frustrations, homeschooling worries, volunteer duties....then of course there's the usual, things. The "simpler" stuff like parenting, marriage, keeping my house up. Wow, a sheer gift? I struggle to see all the joy.

Where I AM finding joy is in the fact that I am yearning for time with my Father. I am desperate for His word. I'm thirsty. Not that I've opened my Bible more than once this week, but the longing is still there. 6-12 months ago, I would have just continued through my day lacking nothing. The stress would be piling higher still, but the outlet never identified, the desire never sparked. That is sheer joy for me. I have prayed so many times, "Father, let me desire to spend time with you. Let me long for your word." He has answered. He has provided the desire, the longing. Many times this past week I've walked right past my Bible, glancing at it with such longing. Knowing that a half hour, fifteen minutes, in it's goodness would replenish my soul. But life's demands have called me away. Now I can see the attacker roping me into his snares.

Two years ago, shortly after the twins' birth, Luke and I were laying in our bed, exhausted from the day. Our new precious babies, were snoozing softly in the bassinet next to our bed. As one of them squeaked out a sweet baby noise, we both smiled. Almost in unison we spoke of how much fun this parenting thing was. Yes, we were EXHAUSTED. Yes, we were strained, but it truly was pure joy. It really was the sheerest of gifts. Looking back, I totally see what verse 4 means when it says,

Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

We could not have felt more completely exhausted. I wondered a lot back then if we'd ever make it to the twins' 2nd birthday. I wondered how we would ever endure. However, I can see so clearly that God sent us Lucas and Ashlee exactly when He did so that we could become more mature, more developed parents. We don't have this parenting thing all figured out by any means. However, managing newborn twins and a 22 month old wasn't easy. It was physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausting. Having 3 kids under two certainly prepared us for having four kids under 4. This is WAY easier than it was when the twins were newbies, and I'm so much more spiritually mature. Knowing all of this, I know that this stress and these troubles are for God's perfect plan. I know that I am being tested because of a greater good. I know that He is sovereign, faithful and above all, LOVE. Because of that knowledge and my faith in Him, I will persevere. I will endure and I will try to consciously recognize the sheer gifts I have in my life at this very moment.

PS-Thanks Mandy for bringing these verses to my attention. I needed it so much more than you could know.

Trusting Balance

The kids are home from the pool (they went last minute with MeMe and PawPaw). The house is quiet. I've had some time to think about this baby. I've been able to speak with other people involved and I'm struggling to find balance.

At what point do I allow my heart to surrender all and love this baby? At what point do I remain guarded, just in case. As I sit in the silence of my house I think about baby cries that will soon fill the air, I struggle to know how much is enough. How much is too much?

In my mind, I've likened these last few weeks to those of a pregnancy. Those last precious weeks where you are desperate for the baby to get here, yet overwhelmed at the thought of having a tiny person to care for.

The social worker just called and said that it will be tomorrow morning before the baby is discharged from the hospital. New emotions surface as I realize that this little guy is in the hospital, getting only the attention required. It's hard not to fall in love, and I've never even seen his precious face. I know that God already knows. I know the path has already been seen by the most amazing One. I know that he is being held in the hands of the Almighty. Jeremiah 29:11 races through my mind. He knows the plans, He knows the future and the most beautiful part yet is, He knows my heart.