The kids are home from the pool (they went last minute with MeMe and PawPaw). The house is quiet. I've had some time to think about this baby. I've been able to speak with other people involved and I'm struggling to find balance.
At what point do I allow my heart to surrender all and love this baby? At what point do I remain guarded, just in case. As I sit in the silence of my house I think about baby cries that will soon fill the air, I struggle to know how much is enough. How much is too much?
In my mind, I've likened these last few weeks to those of a pregnancy. Those last precious weeks where you are desperate for the baby to get here, yet overwhelmed at the thought of having a tiny person to care for.
The social worker just called and said that it will be tomorrow morning before the baby is discharged from the hospital. New emotions surface as I realize that this little guy is in the hospital, getting only the attention required. It's hard not to fall in love, and I've never even seen his precious face. I know that God already knows. I know the path has already been seen by the most amazing One. I know that he is being held in the hands of the Almighty. Jeremiah 29:11 races through my mind. He knows the plans, He knows the future and the most beautiful part yet is, He knows my heart.
You can't love him too much :-) I know that you are going to be a wonderful Momma to him, even if it is just temporary... he is an "orphan" and you have a loving home that any baby would be blessed to be a part of. Talk to you soon!
ReplyDeleteI can tell you from experience that it always works best if you keep your focus on God's original plan for you guys. He has only good in mind for you. Not always the most comfortable or easiest things and it may hurt according to our standards, but His plans are always for good. Jesus explained for us to love one another as we love ourselves. That goes for our children, our spouses, our parents, our neighbors, and the guy on the street corner holding the "will work for food" sign. There are not degrees of love according to God.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand trying to keep your heart prepared to release this child if ever required. But, isn't that how we love our own children? They are God's anyway. We are to hold them in open hands, not closed fists.
I know emotions are not this black and white. But, I am certain that God is going to give you the strength you need in the moment. It's not for to decide how we carry out God's plan. We are just to be here for Him to work through us. I had to come to a point about a year ago when we were going through some things with Mason that I realized that. God did not just give me a child to raise, but He is walking the journey with me. He's still here and will always be.
I love you and am so incredibly proud to call you my best friend. I'm praying for you and will be on my knees in prayer in the days to come. Keep me posted.
If God equips you to handle the child coming, He'll equip you to handle the child leaving. When we worked in the cottage (and even some now), we would get attached to the girls and then have to let them go. We learned to focus on how leaving is what was best for them or how it was what they wanted (if it wasn't best). It is hard - no doubt about it. But I'd rather have a child in my home and love them for when I have them than to never have been given the opportunity to love them at all.
ReplyDeleteYou are ready. God is with you. You have multiple prayer warriors who can convert to shoulders to cry on anytime you need.