Today was draining. Baby D had his 2nd visit with his birth parents. I had the opportunity to observe the visit from the other side of a two-way mirror, with headphones to listen to the interactions. Can I just tell you how confusing it was for me?
Here I am, watching these people hold, kiss and love my baby. They are calling him "son" and referring to themselves as "Mom" and "Dad." My conscious self knows that these labels are true, but the mother in me was screaming something totally different.
To be honest, watching the visit wasn't as difficult for me as it could have been. I can sympathize with this mother on so many levels, just as I can all mothers. She must be thinking of her little guy day and night. Each time she feels the pain of her body recovering from childbirth, I know she must think of him. As she holds, kisses and smells him, I know her heart must yearn to take him home and know him.
On the other hand, my heart also turns cold when thoughts of her come to mind. How can any woman justify mis-treating her body when she is pregnant? How can any woman look at her bulging stomach in the mirror and have no regard for the life inside? How can any mother watch her child walk away with another "mom" and not have to be physically restrained?
God is working on me in all of this. I feel Him pressing my heart from many different directions. I want, so desperately, to feel His will. Today I feel like He's been speaking yet again. I analyze every interaction I have with the birth parents, especially after getting to observe them with the baby for over 1 1/2 hours today. I think about every comment they made. I mull over the comments of the social workers. I strip everything I've heard down to basics and replay in my mind over and over and over again. I have so many questions.
I have made a new friend, Sonja, who has been down this road before. She seems so wise. Each time a new emotion surfaces I want to call her and glean from her experience. However, I feel God leading me another way.
He simply says, Let me answer your questions. Let me guide your heart. Let me be enough.
Aren't I just like the world? We want so badly to know everything up front. We want to know the final destination before we even start the journey. We want all of the hard times to be laid out in front of us, with an answer key supplied. God doesn't work that way. As I continue to work through Experiencing God, I am see more and more clearly that I need to let God be enough. He needs to be everything in every area of my life. He needs to be the one to answer my questions. He needs to fulfill my every need. Although I can seek Godly counsel from people of this world, my main source of strength and guidance should be from Him and His word.
As I watched the interactions of this tattered family, God kept saying "Remember, Jeremiah 29:11." As I cleaned up dishes from dinner just minutes ago, I thought about those words.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)
Do I really think my plans are better than God's? Do I really think He will be surprised by the outcome? At this point, I must let go and allow God's plan to unfold. This will not be easy, nor will it be without heartache. However, His plan is best. He IS God. He loves me. He loves Baby D. He even loves Baby D's birth parents.
As I face another day where I will endure more time with Baby D's birth parents (tomorrow there's a Dr's appointment and they'll be there), I know that I must walk through the day arm in arm with God. I must look to Him for my answers, I must let Him be enough.
I love your honesty and your heart that I see here so clearly written for others to read and to glean from- I know I do. I am so thankful for your friendship...Emily
ReplyDeleteIn our state, Illinois, the biological get 2 hours with the infant up to 18 months and then it drops to one hour if the case isn't going well after that. In our cases, the bio parents were only allowed 2 hours a week visitation and that was supervised. A case worker or aid sat in the doorway of the visit room. There was not a two way mirror for me to watch through. I could only bring the children and leave them with the social worker and bio parents - most of the time the children cried for me - Mommy! I was in tears many times - I even got to the point that I began dreading each and every weekly visit. The children would regress in their already accomplished milestones. This was a very hard situation. I think it was especially hard knowing that the bio parents did not strive to make progress so they could spend more time . . . they were content with one or two hours a week - depending on which child. It was also hard to know that the circumstances that initially brought the children into care had not changed either. We prayed continually. I initially felt sympathy for bio mom. My heart wanted to show her love. Bio dad prevented any contact after some months of emails and conversation between bio mom and myself. In His eyes I was the enemy - I would not let him intimidate or scare me. We (my hubby and I) went to every meeting, every court hearing - we knew where the case was headed. We prayed and prayed - we had family and friends praying as well - not for our will, but God's. The children thrived within weeks in our home - it was thrilling to see them grow physically, mentally and even as a little child can - spiritually. A year ago two of our boys had their final visit with bio parents. They are thriving and are OUR BOYS!
ReplyDeleteLast month there was a final visit for our youngest child. He struggled through the one hour and was so excited when it was time to go. The door opened and my sweet pea yelled "MOMMY!" and had a huge smile on his face.
There was a time we could talk - bio mom and I. I shared things about the kids and even made her a photo book of them the first summer we had them. I know she cherishes it. The sympathy I felt for her diminished in time . . . I do still think of bio mom and wonder if she thinks of the kids. Does she think of them at their birthday? Christmas? Easter?
I guess some things it is better to not know.
Another thing that is different in your situation - the bio parents in our situation never went along to any doctor or dentist visit. There was really no contact except the weekly visit.
Your candid posts and honesty of feelings and God "speakings" are awesome.
I hope and pray you will continue to love little D without waiver. Bio Mom and Dad may have recognized the error of their ways. However, there is an extremely long road for them to travel. Little D will probably be with you a very, very long time - you never know what God's plan is for little D or his bio parents.
It also may surprise you - the plans he has for your family were set out before the world was made. Isn't that amazing?!?
I understand that feeling of "tug of war" with Baby D in the middle. I know the urge to scream "He's mine!" I cannot imagine the place those parents are in. It is so foreign to us, a place without God. So sad.
ReplyDeleteHis plan 100 percent! He is enough! I may need to tattoo that to the back of my hand or something.
Still praying....
You'll be in my prayers today as you go for another appointment. I can't imagine letting anybody care for Levi or even think that they could do a better job. Now that you've opened yourself up and allowed yourself to love Baby D as your own, you've probably overcome one of the hardest hurdles on your journey as his mom and I'm sure their are more. I can't imagine the loads of mixed emotions your feeling. God's doing amazing things. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself...I know lives are being changed.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I am praying for you today. Can't wait to hear how it goes at the doctor's office.
ReplyDeleteWOW...you guys are my prayers--I've been thinking and praying for ya'll all day! I couldn't help but tear up reading this blog! I love your honesty. Its crazy how--when you make the decision to be a mom , you instantly become so vulnerable, compassionate...and protective all at the same time!
ReplyDeleteI can sympathize with your feelings. I, too, was getting upset reading about some other "mom" snuggling up on baby.
ReplyDeleteHow hard these times must be for you right now.
Hang in there...God DOES have plans to prosper you.
HE is faithful in all things.