Her tiny little grunts, snorts and noises stir me from my sleep. I was in a hard sleep, the kind that you fall into immediately when it's been weeks since you've slept through the night. I throw the covers off of my sweating body and shimmy/scoot to the end of the bed. The pack 'n play is squeezed between my side of the bed and the wall, making it an acrobatic feat for me to get out of bed, but Abigail isn't in the pack 'n play.
I kick the bouncy seat, hold back a scream and realize - all in in the same 3 seconds - that I left her bouncy seat on vibrate. I feel my way through the darkness and click the switch over to the off position. Then, step over the bouncy seat. She's not in there either.
I lean over, turn off the baby swing and reach down to grab my, now crying, baby girl. I snuggle her close, smell her head and kiss her cheek, just like I did the hour before.
Together we perform an acrobatic dance as I climb, with her in one arm, back onto my side of the bed, smacking my other big toe against the foot of the pack 'n play.
"I really should move that pack 'n play," I think, "she's not slept in it in nearly a week."
We settle in, I wrap the boppy around my waist and she begins to nurse. Sleepily, I lay my head back against the hard metal headboard. I doze on and off for the next 30 minutes, until I wake up with a stiff neck and a milk-drunk newborn who is snoozing softly in my arms.
All the books say you should never sleep with your baby. All the books say that you should never let your baby sleep in a swing, or a bouncy seat or propped up on the boppy. All the books say you should only let your baby sleep in her own bed and move her to her crib as soon as possible.
All the books say to sleep when your baby sleeps and to rest as much as possible during her first few weeks of life.
I'm betting none of those books are authored by mothers with lots of small children, most of which do not nap during the day. I'm also willing to bet that those books are written for those days when everything seems to go smoothly, your baby nods off to sleep quietly on your chest and those nursing mommas drink their 64 ounces of water a day.
64 ounces. As if. I'd never leave the bathroom. Or maybe I'd just have to buy disposable underwear. That might work better actually.
I lay my sweet, swaddled blessing beside me in the bed, careful to move the covers far way from her tiny body. She stirs, snorts and grunts in disapproval of me laying her down. I offer for her to nurse again and we both drift off to sleep.
An hour or so later we repeat this same process, because somewhere in the last 30 minutes I've gotten tired of sleeping on my side and I have returned my little babe to the swing or bouncy seat or, just maybe, her pack 'n play.
Finally, I hear the click of the door and a sleepy child's body steps through the door way. "Hey baby," I whisper. "Come. Quietly. Abigail just went back to sleep."
Arms and legs curl up beside me and I listen to stories about crazy dreams or Star Wars or how she can't wait to have her own baby one day, depending on which of the oldest 3 kids is beside me. I drift in and out of sleep until, finally, a two year old shouts her impatience with her crib at me through the monitor.
Our home springs to life as the sounds of laughter, toilets and squeals echo through the hallways.
I remind myself that this is the phase known of as SURVIVAL. In these early days of sleeplessness, frequent feedings and numerous diaper changes, our goal is to survive. Teaching our children that we value family, each other and the freshness of new life is most important.
If they learn some spelling, math, reading and history along the way, then so be it.
Survival.
Nothing more, nothing less. We simply exists to love one another and enjoy the expansion of our family. Some days are better than others. Somedays, all of our schooling gets done and our home is a disaster zone. Other days, the house is tidy and the kids are dirty from a full day of playing outside. Life consists of give and take right now. It's a life that is lived minute by minute, hour by hour and often no further.
As I write this, Abigail is snoozing soundly in her bouncy seat, Ella and Olivia are finishing up naps, Ashlee and Lucas are enjoying an afternoon at their grandmothers' houses and Elizabeth and Aaron are busy dancing under a tree as it blooms in the spring sun.
Life is busy, chaotic, loud, eventful, peaceful, cozy, dramatic, new and all in all, a complicated dance of learning what our new normal looks like.
After all, what is normal anyway? We abandoned that term long ago. Seven kids ages 7 and under isn't normal. It's survival. A beautiful, complicated, peaceful survival.
Which is exactly what we are doing.
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Monday, April 2, 2012
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Heavy Heart: UPDATE
**Update**
I didn't feel it was my place before to post more information than necessary about "L." Since then, my BFF Amanda has posted about it on her blog. She is the "very, very close friend" I referenced in my original post. Please visit Amanda's blog to see how you can specifically pray for "L."
Thanks prayer warriors. I am so encouraged by your willingness to pray for someone you may never know this side of heaven.
Original post:
Despite the light and airy post below, (which I actually wrote on Saturday and scheduled to post today) I have a heavy heart today. This post will be full of vague details but I ask, that if you feel led, please offer up prayers anyway. God knows who you are praying for and what it is that she needs. And, since I just recently did this post on prayer, I figured it's time to put into practice what I know to be true. God hears our prayers and loves us immensely. He desires to comfort us and give us peace that surpasses our understanding.
A very, very close friend called me on Saturday night with some heartbreaking news. There is a young woman, who I will call "L" who is about 4 months pregnant. On Saturday she tragically and unexpectedly lost her husband. L and her husband have only been married a short time.
Now, L is faced with raising a baby who will never know his or her father, a Christmas without her husband and, most importantly, a tragedy she may never understand.
Again, I know these details are vague and often it is hard to know how to pray for someone you know nothing about. Still, I beg you to please be in prayer for this young woman, her family and the family of her husband.
Thanks friends.
I didn't feel it was my place before to post more information than necessary about "L." Since then, my BFF Amanda has posted about it on her blog. She is the "very, very close friend" I referenced in my original post. Please visit Amanda's blog to see how you can specifically pray for "L."
Thanks prayer warriors. I am so encouraged by your willingness to pray for someone you may never know this side of heaven.
Original post:
Despite the light and airy post below, (which I actually wrote on Saturday and scheduled to post today) I have a heavy heart today. This post will be full of vague details but I ask, that if you feel led, please offer up prayers anyway. God knows who you are praying for and what it is that she needs. And, since I just recently did this post on prayer, I figured it's time to put into practice what I know to be true. God hears our prayers and loves us immensely. He desires to comfort us and give us peace that surpasses our understanding.
A very, very close friend called me on Saturday night with some heartbreaking news. There is a young woman, who I will call "L" who is about 4 months pregnant. On Saturday she tragically and unexpectedly lost her husband. L and her husband have only been married a short time.
Now, L is faced with raising a baby who will never know his or her father, a Christmas without her husband and, most importantly, a tragedy she may never understand.
Again, I know these details are vague and often it is hard to know how to pray for someone you know nothing about. Still, I beg you to please be in prayer for this young woman, her family and the family of her husband.
Thanks friends.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Time To Embrace
My step-mom was a wonderful woman. She loved big, laughed often and fought fiercely for the things she believed in. She treated me like her own flesh and blood and loved me beyond what I will probably ever comprehend.
She taught me how to be myself and be comfortable with what I was created to be. She showed me that life isn't as serious as most people take it and if you learn to roll with the punches you'll laugh more often than you'll cry. She told me that standing up for the people you love and the things you live for is never a mistake. She raised my sister to be independent, loyal and poised. She loved people regardless of their situations, appearance and life experiences. She believed in a risen Savior who conquered the grave.
This past week, although I began missing her terribly, I realized that she is indeed experiencing something that I long for...Heaven. Knowing that she is there makes it hard for me to grieve the loss of her earthly life. Instead, I mourn for my sister and my dad. I watched my sister learn what life looks like without her mother. I sat across from her as she learned to breathe, walk and function in a strange new world where she is now thrust into a life she never desired. I saw a 16 year old who is more poised than I may ever be. I sat and just existed because I was unsure of what to say since I've been less-than-present in the last 11 years. I mean, after all, I barely know this teenager sitting in front me, struggling to make sense of a God that is allowing this to happen. The only bond we have is our blood and that of the risen King and I pray that it will be enough to ignite a relationship that spans the rest of our lives.
I longed for my dad to have one more moment with his wife. I stood in the parlor of a funeral home and watched 4 grown men surround my dad with their arms and mourn with him. These 4 men are long time friends that are closer to him that most of his family. I heard my dad cry out in pain over the loss of his wife and the mother of his daughter. That is a pain that I cannot imagine enduring. And even though my relationship with my dad has been strained for many years he is still my Daddy and it broke me to see him hurting.
Why is it that we never stop and realize exactly what is in front of us until it's too late? Sure, I'm grateful and I feel blessed for my children, my husband and my home. My family is remarkable and I am blessed beyond understanding in so many ways. But, never again on this side of heaven can I tell my step-mom just how much I love her. Never again will I be able to wrap my earthly arms around her and tell her thank you for raising me like her own daughter, even though she didn't have to. She will never see the faces of her grandchildren again, the ones she currently has or the ones yet to come.
As the understanding of all that my family has lost washes over me throughout my day I understand that there really is a time for everything just as Ecclesiastes says,
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Now is the time that I rejoice over the life of my step-mom. I rejoice in knowing that she is worshiping God and seeing Him face to face, experiencing a joy unlike any I can fathom. This is a time where I reflect on all the lessons and love that she passed onto me. A time where I search out what I my role is in the life of my sister and my dad. A time where I seek the Lord like never before and allow his comfort and peace to surpass all of my understanding. But, it shouldn't take a time like this. Instead, my heart should be earnestly seeking Him all of my days, in each of these ways, like never before simply because of love.
She taught me how to be myself and be comfortable with what I was created to be. She showed me that life isn't as serious as most people take it and if you learn to roll with the punches you'll laugh more often than you'll cry. She told me that standing up for the people you love and the things you live for is never a mistake. She raised my sister to be independent, loyal and poised. She loved people regardless of their situations, appearance and life experiences. She believed in a risen Savior who conquered the grave.
This past week, although I began missing her terribly, I realized that she is indeed experiencing something that I long for...Heaven. Knowing that she is there makes it hard for me to grieve the loss of her earthly life. Instead, I mourn for my sister and my dad. I watched my sister learn what life looks like without her mother. I sat across from her as she learned to breathe, walk and function in a strange new world where she is now thrust into a life she never desired. I saw a 16 year old who is more poised than I may ever be. I sat and just existed because I was unsure of what to say since I've been less-than-present in the last 11 years. I mean, after all, I barely know this teenager sitting in front me, struggling to make sense of a God that is allowing this to happen. The only bond we have is our blood and that of the risen King and I pray that it will be enough to ignite a relationship that spans the rest of our lives.
I longed for my dad to have one more moment with his wife. I stood in the parlor of a funeral home and watched 4 grown men surround my dad with their arms and mourn with him. These 4 men are long time friends that are closer to him that most of his family. I heard my dad cry out in pain over the loss of his wife and the mother of his daughter. That is a pain that I cannot imagine enduring. And even though my relationship with my dad has been strained for many years he is still my Daddy and it broke me to see him hurting.
Why is it that we never stop and realize exactly what is in front of us until it's too late? Sure, I'm grateful and I feel blessed for my children, my husband and my home. My family is remarkable and I am blessed beyond understanding in so many ways. But, never again on this side of heaven can I tell my step-mom just how much I love her. Never again will I be able to wrap my earthly arms around her and tell her thank you for raising me like her own daughter, even though she didn't have to. She will never see the faces of her grandchildren again, the ones she currently has or the ones yet to come.
As the understanding of all that my family has lost washes over me throughout my day I understand that there really is a time for everything just as Ecclesiastes says,
For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Now is the time that I rejoice over the life of my step-mom. I rejoice in knowing that she is worshiping God and seeing Him face to face, experiencing a joy unlike any I can fathom. This is a time where I reflect on all the lessons and love that she passed onto me. A time where I search out what I my role is in the life of my sister and my dad. A time where I seek the Lord like never before and allow his comfort and peace to surpass all of my understanding. But, it shouldn't take a time like this. Instead, my heart should be earnestly seeking Him all of my days, in each of these ways, like never before simply because of love.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Whatever You're Doing
Since Thursday I have had an ongoing conversation with myself, in my head (and outload but only when I think no one is around). It goes something like this:
"You know taking Baby Girl is crazy?"
"Yes, I do, but I CAN love her. I already live in chaos, what's one more?"
"But you do know that you won't have ANY time for ANYTHING, right?"
"This is my mission field. We were called, we answered, this is part of His plan."
I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Basically, my brain goes back and forth from proclaiming me crazy to pure delight in my Lord for being allowed to serve Him in this capacity.
Tonight I was driving home and although I've heard this song a few times before, it hit home tonight. As I listened to the words, the tears began to flow. I particularly love the chorus when they talk about how it feels like chaos in side, but "somehow there's peace." I feel the chaos with the peace and I am humbled that God would choose us. I know it's heavenly.
"You know taking Baby Girl is crazy?"
"Yes, I do, but I CAN love her. I already live in chaos, what's one more?"
"But you do know that you won't have ANY time for ANYTHING, right?"
"This is my mission field. We were called, we answered, this is part of His plan."
I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Basically, my brain goes back and forth from proclaiming me crazy to pure delight in my Lord for being allowed to serve Him in this capacity.
Tonight I was driving home and although I've heard this song a few times before, it hit home tonight. As I listened to the words, the tears began to flow. I particularly love the chorus when they talk about how it feels like chaos in side, but "somehow there's peace." I feel the chaos with the peace and I am humbled that God would choose us. I know it's heavenly.
Whatever You're Doing
by Sanctus Real
(If you'd like to listen to the song while you read the lyrics, right click here then left click on "Open Link In New Tab." Select "play" on the first song on the list.)
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...
(Chorus)
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
by Sanctus Real
(If you'd like to listen to the song while you read the lyrics, right click here then left click on "Open Link In New Tab." Select "play" on the first song on the list.)
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...
(Chorus)
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
I got the lyrics from this website.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Tearfully Groaning
I got an email today from Baby D's social worker. She had a visit with the birth parents last Friday. I know I've said it a thousand times, but I will say it once more, I cannot go into details.
I received a lot of new news today. News that I cannot decide what to make of. Part of me leaps for joy while another part mourns the failure of the birth parents once more. Not too long ago, I professed to someone that I wasn't a crier. Well, I think it's safe to say that I am eating my own words.
Since we got Baby D, I have cried more than all the past 5 years combined. Today is no exception. I have no idea how to feel. Should I rejoice in their failure because that means more possibility of him being ours forever? Or, do I weep for this mother because I see the opportunity she's missing? My soul just can't make sense of it all.
I humble myself before God and ask for Him to restore them. Draw them to Him, make them clean. At the same time, I pray for swiftness and boldness with the courts. I pray that the judge would see them in all of their mess ups and allow him to be our boy, forever. My heart is so torn, my thoughts too jumbled.
I used to have this verse taped on the window above my kitchen sink. I knew that I was looking at it daily for a reason. At the time, it only applied to me in itsy-bitsy situations. Over the last 3 months, it has been the anthem of my Spirit:
I received a lot of new news today. News that I cannot decide what to make of. Part of me leaps for joy while another part mourns the failure of the birth parents once more. Not too long ago, I professed to someone that I wasn't a crier. Well, I think it's safe to say that I am eating my own words.
Since we got Baby D, I have cried more than all the past 5 years combined. Today is no exception. I have no idea how to feel. Should I rejoice in their failure because that means more possibility of him being ours forever? Or, do I weep for this mother because I see the opportunity she's missing? My soul just can't make sense of it all.
I humble myself before God and ask for Him to restore them. Draw them to Him, make them clean. At the same time, I pray for swiftness and boldness with the courts. I pray that the judge would see them in all of their mess ups and allow him to be our boy, forever. My heart is so torn, my thoughts too jumbled.
I used to have this verse taped on the window above my kitchen sink. I knew that I was looking at it daily for a reason. At the time, it only applied to me in itsy-bitsy situations. Over the last 3 months, it has been the anthem of my Spirit:
Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
~ Romans 8:26-27, The Message
~ Romans 8:26-27, The Message
Lord God! I am so tired of waiting. I love this child so very much. Most days, I look at him and forget he's not really mine. I know your Spirit is along side me Lord, helping me through this raging sea of emotions. I don't know what to say to you God. I don't know what to feel. Let your Spirit intercede. Bring your mercy to me and allow me the comfort that you so richly provide. As my Spirit groans oh God, hear the desires of my heart. Make me feel the love for these people as you feel love for them. Keep my sweet baby safe Lord, out of harm. I know that all things work together for your glory Lord, but I'm struggling to see the purpose now. Keep me before you God, keep me drawn to your unfailing love. Make these details of my life sing and dance together for your love, your will and your purpose. Amen.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Baby D Update
I thought I should probably update you all on the situation with Baby D. Yesterday, I went for an Agency Review. Basically this is where different people from DSS departments meet and review the case. In the meeting was Baby D's social worker (the same social worker his birth parents contact), the assistant to the attorney for the Guardian Ad Litem, some lady from the health department and another lady that I'm not sure what she does. Also present was, me! The birth parents were not there. Baby D's social worker said that birth dad had intentions on coming, and she continued to check to see if he was there.
Anyway, the meeting lasting about 15 minutes. They reviewed why Baby D was removed from the home, what the birth parents have completed from the case plan, what happened in court (minimal). They asked me how he was doing and if I had any questions. My heart wanted to scream, "Yes! I have a freakin' question. When are you guys gonna wake up and realize the he's better off with us?" Instead, I nodded politely and said no. Anyone who knows me personally can tell you that I am not a quiet person by nature. However, for the span of that 15 minutes I was relatively silent.
I was nervous about attending the review, not because it was a review but because I knew there was a chance I'd have to deal with the birth parents. Anytime I see them, it stirs up so much emotion. As I was walking into the governmental buildings, I look up and boldly displayed is
In a day where so many governmental buildings are having to take down their proclamations to God, this one was there. On that day, stemming from weeks of struggles, He was there. Jeremiah 29:11 raced through my mind once again. I took a deep breath, picked up all of my emotions and continued into the building, Trusting In God.
Anyway, the meeting lasting about 15 minutes. They reviewed why Baby D was removed from the home, what the birth parents have completed from the case plan, what happened in court (minimal). They asked me how he was doing and if I had any questions. My heart wanted to scream, "Yes! I have a freakin' question. When are you guys gonna wake up and realize the he's better off with us?" Instead, I nodded politely and said no. Anyone who knows me personally can tell you that I am not a quiet person by nature. However, for the span of that 15 minutes I was relatively silent.
I was nervous about attending the review, not because it was a review but because I knew there was a chance I'd have to deal with the birth parents. Anytime I see them, it stirs up so much emotion. As I was walking into the governmental buildings, I look up and boldly displayed is
"IN GOD WE TRUST."
In a day where so many governmental buildings are having to take down their proclamations to God, this one was there. On that day, stemming from weeks of struggles, He was there. Jeremiah 29:11 raced through my mind once again. I took a deep breath, picked up all of my emotions and continued into the building, Trusting In God.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to
prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
~Jeremiah 29:11, NIV
Baby D's bathtime is a family event
He's growing so much. I bet he weighs
almost 10 lbs!!
prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
~Jeremiah 29:11, NIV
Photo update:
Baby D's bathtime is a family event
He's growing so much. I bet he weighsalmost 10 lbs!!
Saturday, June 21, 2008
My Comfort, My Refuge, My Strength
Yesterday's doctor visit went well. The birth parents showed up (even though I selfishly prayed they would bail out). Luke and I sat, in a small waiting room in the back with his birth parents for almost an hour. During that time I felt such peace. I must thank each of you for praying for us, because I know it was those prayers that kept my heart from racing the entire hour (though it probably would have been good cardio, and I need to burn all of the calories I can). I know it was prayer that led me through the day yesterday. For that, I thank you.
I must say though, that quite a few of my friends have said that I am "special." Or that our family is "amazing." Please, please, please do not give us the credit. It is not on our own accord that we are being strong. It is not through our own initiative that we are finding peace. We are not anything special. Trust me on this one, it's ALL God.
If you look at us and see peace, turn your eyes to heaven and give God praise. If you listen to us with our kids and hear selflessness, turn your ears to God and give Him glory. If you think, for one second, that Luke and I have exponential love, turn your heart to Christ and feel His goodness. This is SO not a Luke & Jessica thing, but a God thing.
I am so weak, so anxious and so incredibly dependent. I have "nubbin" fingernails because I chew them on the regular. I take acid-reducer medicine on a consistent basis as to subside my ever churning stomach. However, since this entire foster parent process started I have felt peace. Sure I've had moments of anxiety, frustration and questions. But, for the most part, (and I would say that's about 98% of the time) I've felt PEACE. Unsurpassed peace. Peace that I cannot explain. I can only look to Christ as the source of my strength.
The song "Shout To the Lord" plays through my mind so much. So, I decided to search my favorite line of that song on BibleGateway.com (my absolute favorite Bible site). The part of the song that sticks out is "My Comfort, My Shelter, Tower of refuge and strength."
When I searched "tower of refuge," it came back with Psalm 61:2-3:
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
So please, if you pass us in the store, see us in the halls at church or if we even come to mind, please give God all the glory. Although it's humbling and flattering to hear of others praising you, we truly can't take any credit. God has totally taken over this situation and brought us more peace than we could ever imagine. It is not our own, it is purely Him.
I must say though, that quite a few of my friends have said that I am "special." Or that our family is "amazing." Please, please, please do not give us the credit. It is not on our own accord that we are being strong. It is not through our own initiative that we are finding peace. We are not anything special. Trust me on this one, it's ALL God.
If you look at us and see peace, turn your eyes to heaven and give God praise. If you listen to us with our kids and hear selflessness, turn your ears to God and give Him glory. If you think, for one second, that Luke and I have exponential love, turn your heart to Christ and feel His goodness. This is SO not a Luke & Jessica thing, but a God thing.
I am so weak, so anxious and so incredibly dependent. I have "nubbin" fingernails because I chew them on the regular. I take acid-reducer medicine on a consistent basis as to subside my ever churning stomach. However, since this entire foster parent process started I have felt peace. Sure I've had moments of anxiety, frustration and questions. But, for the most part, (and I would say that's about 98% of the time) I've felt PEACE. Unsurpassed peace. Peace that I cannot explain. I can only look to Christ as the source of my strength.
The song "Shout To the Lord" plays through my mind so much. So, I decided to search my favorite line of that song on BibleGateway.com (my absolute favorite Bible site). The part of the song that sticks out is "My Comfort, My Shelter, Tower of refuge and strength."
When I searched "tower of refuge," it came back with Psalm 61:2-3:
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.
So please, if you pass us in the store, see us in the halls at church or if we even come to mind, please give God all the glory. Although it's humbling and flattering to hear of others praising you, we truly can't take any credit. God has totally taken over this situation and brought us more peace than we could ever imagine. It is not our own, it is purely Him.
Shout To the Lord
(click the title listen, I like the Skillet version best)
(click the title listen, I like the Skillet version best)
My Jesus, My Savior,
Lord there is none like You.
All of my days,
I want to praise,
The wonders of Your mighty love.
My Comfort, my Shelter
Tower of refuge and strength.
Let every breath, all that I am,
Never cease to worship You.
Shout to the Lord,
All the Earth let us sing.
Power and majesty
Praise to the King.
Mountains bow down
And the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name.
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands.
Forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares
To the promise I have in You.
Lord there is none like You.
All of my days,
I want to praise,
The wonders of Your mighty love.
My Comfort, my Shelter
Tower of refuge and strength.
Let every breath, all that I am,
Never cease to worship You.
Shout to the Lord,
All the Earth let us sing.
Power and majesty
Praise to the King.
Mountains bow down
And the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name.
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands.
Forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares
To the promise I have in You.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Breakable Walls
Today has been a struggle. I found out from Baby D's social worker (different from our social worker, yes that makes 2 so far) that the first scheduled visit with birth parents is in the morning. Not only that, but because of some weird scheduling issues, I'll most likely be present and in the same room for most of the visit. It is unavoidable. My heart is torn. While I know it's beneficial, it also makes me nervous. So much rides on these visits. Will they say the right things just to be saying them? Will the social worker see if they are being fake? (A 3rd social worker, in case you're counting). Will they want him back? Will they want to let him go? Will they even know what they want this early in the game?
Earlier today as I struggled through these emotions I felt the Lord calling me. Even though the twins were waking up, I shut off the monitor and spent some time with God. I did my daily work from Experiencing God and realized that all God was asking me to do was pray and wait. I am so much a "get it done" kind of girl. If I know something needs to be fixed, I want to fix it. If I see that a conversation needs to be had, I wanna talk about it. If I think that something is about to happen, I want it to get here and get gone. On a side note: I am NOT this proactive with the cleanliness of my home, dirty laundry, etc. Guess you can't have it all, huh?
Anyway, as I finished up my daily work with Henry Blackaby, I felt God saying "Pray." So, I prayed. I told God that I wasn't sure how I was suppose to feel. I told Him that I knew there were walls around my heart. I told Him that I was struggling to find balance. I told Him I knew He'd heard my prayers and that He would answer. Still feeling the call to Jeremiah 29:11(as I had since I first heard about Baby D), I decided I'd read the entire 29th chapter of Jeremiah. Can I just tell you how cool God is?
Let me set the stage. Jeremiah the prophet is writing a letter to the exiles from Jerusalem. These people had been banished from Jerusalem to Babylon by King Nebuchadnezzar. In the letter Jeremiah basically tells them that God has spoken to him and His message to the people is that they should get comfortable (my translation, not NIV). God said to them:
Clearly they'd been asking God, "What do we do? How do we live? How long will this last?" Hummm....those questions sounded familiar to my pleading heart.
Basically, they are to carry on with their lives as normal. Normal? Really? Come on God! Nothing about this is normal! I have some other woman's baby in my home. I'm suppose to treat this baby normally? Like mine? Go about my life as if he were my own?
In that still, small voice I hear, "Yes." I'm totally floored. I prayed and asked and He made known. Now that I had my answer, I had to pray the hardest part yet. "Father, tear down the walls. Tear them down so that I can love this sweet baby as my own. Keep me from being guarded. Open my heart to him. Let me love."
I left my quiet time and continued on with my day. All 4 kids woke up, had a snack and we went out to play in the sand and water. Later, I brought Baby D upstairs and started getting dinner ready. I was feeding him his bottle when it hit me like a hurricane. "You're mine," I whispered softly, "and I'll love you as long as God lets me." Even now, typing those words brings tears to my eyes. I sat with Baby D, on our couch and the flood gates opened. God slowly and faithfully tore down each and every brick from around my heart. I cuddled, kissed and allowed this child into my heart. I promised him I'd love him forever, whether he's in our home or not. I allowed my soul to birth one more child. My heart divided once more, but this time making enough room for one more tiny person.
Today, I became a mother to 4.
May the words of my mouth and
the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
~ Psalm 19:13
(Yes, that is Baby D's preciousness pictured!)
Earlier today as I struggled through these emotions I felt the Lord calling me. Even though the twins were waking up, I shut off the monitor and spent some time with God. I did my daily work from Experiencing God and realized that all God was asking me to do was pray and wait. I am so much a "get it done" kind of girl. If I know something needs to be fixed, I want to fix it. If I see that a conversation needs to be had, I wanna talk about it. If I think that something is about to happen, I want it to get here and get gone. On a side note: I am NOT this proactive with the cleanliness of my home, dirty laundry, etc. Guess you can't have it all, huh?
Anyway, as I finished up my daily work with Henry Blackaby, I felt God saying "Pray." So, I prayed. I told God that I wasn't sure how I was suppose to feel. I told Him that I knew there were walls around my heart. I told Him that I was struggling to find balance. I told Him I knew He'd heard my prayers and that He would answer. Still feeling the call to Jeremiah 29:11(as I had since I first heard about Baby D), I decided I'd read the entire 29th chapter of Jeremiah. Can I just tell you how cool God is?
Let me set the stage. Jeremiah the prophet is writing a letter to the exiles from Jerusalem. These people had been banished from Jerusalem to Babylon by King Nebuchadnezzar. In the letter Jeremiah basically tells them that God has spoken to him and His message to the people is that they should get comfortable (my translation, not NIV). God said to them:
"Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease." v. 5-6
Clearly they'd been asking God, "What do we do? How do we live? How long will this last?" Hummm....those questions sounded familiar to my pleading heart.
Basically, they are to carry on with their lives as normal. Normal? Really? Come on God! Nothing about this is normal! I have some other woman's baby in my home. I'm suppose to treat this baby normally? Like mine? Go about my life as if he were my own?
In that still, small voice I hear, "Yes." I'm totally floored. I prayed and asked and He made known. Now that I had my answer, I had to pray the hardest part yet. "Father, tear down the walls. Tear them down so that I can love this sweet baby as my own. Keep me from being guarded. Open my heart to him. Let me love."
I left my quiet time and continued on with my day. All 4 kids woke up, had a snack and we went out to play in the sand and water. Later, I brought Baby D upstairs and started getting dinner ready. I was feeding him his bottle when it hit me like a hurricane. "You're mine," I whispered softly, "and I'll love you as long as God lets me." Even now, typing those words brings tears to my eyes. I sat with Baby D, on our couch and the flood gates opened. God slowly and faithfully tore down each and every brick from around my heart. I cuddled, kissed and allowed this child into my heart. I promised him I'd love him forever, whether he's in our home or not. I allowed my soul to birth one more child. My heart divided once more, but this time making enough room for one more tiny person.
Today, I became a mother to 4.
May the words of my mouth and
the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
~ Psalm 19:13
(Yes, that is Baby D's preciousness pictured!)
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Kick That To The Curb
Nothing frustrates me more than car troubles. Why is it that I allow so much anger, frustration and hatred creep into my heart over nothing more than a pile of plastic and metal? Two Friday's ago we dropped our van off at a local auto shop. We knew it needed some serious work because it is continuing to leak coolant and overheat. After keeping our car all day, I called at 5:00pm (closing time, on Friday, remember?) and asked if it was ready to be picked up. The gentleman explained to me the problem and told me it was at least a 6 hour job and that they wouldn't be able fix it that day. I told him I needed the car as it is the only vehicle we have that our entire family can ride in. We went to pick it up and were going to return it the following week.Our schedules didn't allow us to drop it back off yesterday (Monday). They worked on it all day yesterday (never called me, not once) and when I called at 5:15pm to see if it was ready, they told me that the needed to keep it until the morning. The gentleman assured me it would be done 1st thing this morning.
Elizabeth also had a dentist appointment this morning. So, the plan was for Luke to take her to the dentist (which is literally 10 min from his work) and I would go get the van and meet him there to pick her up, hopefully eliminating the need for him to drive all the way back home, then back to work (roughly 1 hours worth of driving). I called the auto shop at 8:15am, only to be told it would be at least 1 1/2 hours. Great. I took a shower and loaded the twins in the stroller, I was determined to be there promptly at 9:30, hoping my presence would light a fire underneath them.
I left my house a little after 9:00am and walked, yes you read that right, walked the almost 2 miles to the auto shop. We get there just after 9:30. I wait patiently...only to be told it that there was a new problem w/ our car and it would be another 30-45 minutes. Uuuuugggggghhhhhh!!!!!!
Luckily, there is a coffee shop just around the corner. The twins and I head there, hoping to grab a quick snack.
TWO HOURS LATER, I call the auto shop, where I am told that my vehicle is finally ready. In those 2 hours, I got no phone call explaining that it is taking longer than expected, telling me that the job had to be pushed back, nothing. As the twins, Elizabeth (b/c Luke had dropped her off at this point, so he could go to work) are walking from the coffee shop back to the auto shop I am praying that my blood will stop boiling. I am asking God for peace. I know that the owner of the shop is a Christian b/c of previous interactions. I know that I do not need to be rude, but accept this misfortune with grace, showing Christ's love for everyone in my actions.
What I wanted to say was, "This is ridiculous! Can't you see that I have been waiting for this car for almost 36 hours? My family can't go anywhere! I WALKED here w/ my two 2-year olds and you didn't even have the decency to speed things up?"
However, I asked all three kids to thank the man for fixing our car. I knew that this poor guy had lost his teenage son just over a year ago. I heard him talking about his children to other people in the shop, and I knew that the LAST thing he needed was a piece of my mind.
Trust me, I wanted to let him have it, but by there sheer grace of God, I held my tounge. It made me realize that the next time, I may not know the background of the person I'm dealing with . Instead of being so critical, I should accept things for what they are, and try to show Christ's love thru my actions.
You know, I REALLY love God, but sometimes, being His servant is so hard. Now, if I could only erase the anger in my heart I'll be moving in the right direction.
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