Today I wanted to post something moving, thought provoking and lovely. Then I read this and knew that it said all that I wanted to say.
And not just because it includes excessively cute photos of my babies.
Click here.
And thanks Beth. We love you guys a whole lot. And just in case you ever doubted our devotion to you, our last double date night should have sealed the deal. You've won us over for life, if only because you now have amazing blackmail material. ;)
Unless that was all a dream?
Showing posts with label Frienship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Frienship. Show all posts
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Somedays, I Wonder
Sorry I've been so slack in posting over the last week or two.
Honestly?
I've been in a funk. I don't know if it is situational or the onset of something much bigger. Depression runs in my family and I am struggling to figure out if that's what I'm feeling or if it is just lack of sunshine, focus and time in The Word.
Do not misunderstand what I am about to write. I LOVE my life. I LOVE my family. I LOVE being the mother to these 5 children. Part of me even hesitates to tell you all how I feel, because there are some out there who will be eager to say "I told you so!" But, I figure that this is part of the process of mothering, it's part of the journey. I'm sure most women feel this way at some point as a mother, they are just too afraid of being ostracized to express it. But I've never been one to shy away from raw emotion, so here goes:
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to only have 1 (or 2) kids. I wonder what the freedom is like. I wonder if I can remember not taking for granted being able to go to Wal-mart WHENEVER. I wonder if I can remember what it's like to doat over every thing your ONE child does.
Don't get me wrong, I know kids are a lot of work, no matter how many you have. But JUST one. Ahhhhhhh, somedays I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to have a cleaner house. I wonder what it must be like to be that woman who CARES about the details and the cleanliness of her home. To have THAT house, that everyone comments on and says, "How does she do it?" I wonder what it would take to make me care that much about my house. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to still have a group of girlfriends who call you for no reason, just to chat. Girlfriends who still invite themselves over. Girlfriends to call you because they just want to know how your day is going. Girlfriends that plan for girls' lunch or girls' night out. Girls who want to be around ME, not just because they know I'll have a response to most of their parenting questions. Girls who just want to be around me because I'm actually, you know, fun.
It's not that I don't have friends, I DO (In fact, I'm honored to bestow that title upon many of you who read this blog). But I'm finding that the ones that I thought were deep and meaningful are nothing more than casual. I'm finding that the women who understand the ins and outs of my heart are not always the ones that I expected. I wonder why the people I hold closest are not the ones that I have known the longest. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it will be like when my kids are grown and living their own lives. I look 10 (and sometimes 20) years down the road and I wonder if I'll still have babies in my home, if my teenage kids will want their momma around, if my life will resemble "ME" at all. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to not have to be a "Conflict Manager." To have a perfect day from heaven, where everyone apologizes, uses an appropriate voice level and tone, takes a nap without a fight, shares, tolerates and shows compassion, without threat from Mom and the spanker. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder if I will ever look back at my life and be completely okay with how it turned out. I wonder if I will be okay with looking at it and saying, "God, it hurt, but I surrendered it to you. I gave you all that I could. I am bruised, scarred, tear-stained and broken. But I did it Lord, I did it." Somedays, I wonder.
Honestly?
I've been in a funk. I don't know if it is situational or the onset of something much bigger. Depression runs in my family and I am struggling to figure out if that's what I'm feeling or if it is just lack of sunshine, focus and time in The Word.
Do not misunderstand what I am about to write. I LOVE my life. I LOVE my family. I LOVE being the mother to these 5 children. Part of me even hesitates to tell you all how I feel, because there are some out there who will be eager to say "I told you so!" But, I figure that this is part of the process of mothering, it's part of the journey. I'm sure most women feel this way at some point as a mother, they are just too afraid of being ostracized to express it. But I've never been one to shy away from raw emotion, so here goes:
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to only have 1 (or 2) kids. I wonder what the freedom is like. I wonder if I can remember not taking for granted being able to go to Wal-mart WHENEVER. I wonder if I can remember what it's like to doat over every thing your ONE child does.
Don't get me wrong, I know kids are a lot of work, no matter how many you have. But JUST one. Ahhhhhhh, somedays I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to have a cleaner house. I wonder what it must be like to be that woman who CARES about the details and the cleanliness of her home. To have THAT house, that everyone comments on and says, "How does she do it?" I wonder what it would take to make me care that much about my house. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to still have a group of girlfriends who call you for no reason, just to chat. Girlfriends who still invite themselves over. Girlfriends to call you because they just want to know how your day is going. Girlfriends that plan for girls' lunch or girls' night out. Girls who want to be around ME, not just because they know I'll have a response to most of their parenting questions. Girls who just want to be around me because I'm actually, you know, fun.
It's not that I don't have friends, I DO (In fact, I'm honored to bestow that title upon many of you who read this blog). But I'm finding that the ones that I thought were deep and meaningful are nothing more than casual. I'm finding that the women who understand the ins and outs of my heart are not always the ones that I expected. I wonder why the people I hold closest are not the ones that I have known the longest. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it will be like when my kids are grown and living their own lives. I look 10 (and sometimes 20) years down the road and I wonder if I'll still have babies in my home, if my teenage kids will want their momma around, if my life will resemble "ME" at all. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to not have to be a "Conflict Manager." To have a perfect day from heaven, where everyone apologizes, uses an appropriate voice level and tone, takes a nap without a fight, shares, tolerates and shows compassion, without threat from Mom and the spanker. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder if I will ever look back at my life and be completely okay with how it turned out. I wonder if I will be okay with looking at it and saying, "God, it hurt, but I surrendered it to you. I gave you all that I could. I am bruised, scarred, tear-stained and broken. But I did it Lord, I did it." Somedays, I wonder.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Threads
I really have 1,000 things I need to be doing instead, but I wanted to offer this to you all because it's been on my mind and heart so much recently.As I look at my life, I see the connections I have to the people around me. Sometimes I wonder,
"If I didn't have _______(insert: church, motherhood, college) in common with this person, would we still friends?"
Most of the time the answer is no.
However, as I think about the way that my life is so delicately woven together with the people that I love to call my friends, I just have to give God so much glory. Just as He knew every detail of my body as He knit me together in my mother's womb, He also knew the details of my life. He knew the passions He placed within my heart and how those desires and abilities would knit me together with others who share that love.
How do I know this? Because scripture claims it to be true.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:13-16
How completely marvelous is it that the One who created me, knew and ordained the days before me!! As I have went to through the last few days, I have thought about the things that make me who I am. Those same things that knit me together with the people I consider closest to my heart. I can see in my mind, a single thread penetrating my heart and theirs, tying us together, truly knitting our lives as one. Here are just a few:
Follower of Christ
Mother
Mother of twins
Foster/Adoptive Mom
Daughter
Lyon (College) Graduate
Volleyball player
Wife
Southerner
Although many of these things seem so common, others are rare. With many of these things, I can feel a bond with another person simply because we have the same experiences, the same goals or the same emotions. Most times, these threads are obvious.
When I encounter other mothers who have twins, we instantly know that we "get" each other. Twins are an experience like no other. Sleepless nights, endless feedings and the joy that only comes in pairs, that is our common thread.
When I meet another Believer, I know that they understand the road I travel. A road that desires to be close with our Lord, yet is marked with bumps, rocks, hardships, unspeakable joy and even tears. Christ is our common thread.
When I think about the friendships I made in college, I know that those bonds will always go with me. Some of them have faded, while others have gained strength. I have a friend, Dee. She and I were just casual friends in college, almost friends by default because we had the same circle of friends. More than 5 years and 6 kids (4 of which are mine) later, our friendship is stronger than I could have ever imagined! We haven't seen each other face to face in over 4 years. Yet each time we talk, we are stronger. Once our common thread was college, but as that one seems to fade more are found. Now we are bound by the threads of motherhood, Christ and wife.
As I think about the reasons God has woven me together with each of the people in my life, my mind's eye sees a tapestry. This tapestry is my life. In some areas the threads are strong, in other areas they are frail, weak and fading. I run my fingers across the threads that are fading and frail then over the ones that are bold and strong. I ask God,
"Why? Why each of these things? Why did I suffer here? What was Your purpose there?"
I want my tapestry to glorify God. I want people to see the fabric of my life as a reflection of the cross. I want my threads to be bold for Him.
As I look at my life, I see that there are still loose strands around the edges. These are yet to be assigned to a specific area of my life. I wonder what God has in store and to whom these threads will be attached. My prayer is that God will use these loose ends to weave people into my life so that they may come to know Him.
I pray that the areas of my life that are already frail and fading will be used to show others His redeeming power.
My tapestry is not elaborate. There aren't many threads of gold or silk. But God ordained my life before I drew my first breath, before my heart beat a single time. He knew the days ahead of me. Mine is like no other, just as yours is unique as well.
My prayer, for you and for me, is that we cherish each and every thread God has blessed us with. We use them to forge friendships that might not otherwise exist. We use them to glorify Him and ultimately, show others the love that only a Savior can provide.
I praise God for the people in my life. People I speak with daily, and those that I haven't seen or heard from in years. Each of them added length to my threads and helped weave me into the person I am today. God is using my loose ends and tying me to the people who He created with the same intricacies, the same loves, the same passions. I pray that I will be used. I pray I will be bold. Above all, I pray that I will glorify Him.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Faith and Choices
Last night, some of our friends came over. Matt and Britt are the kind of friends that can handle the raw us. They have pretty much seen the range of emotions we've had since getting sweet Baby D (except cry, because I don't do that...right?). I treasure their friendship more than they'll ever know. With them, we have a closeness that seems as thought it's been there for ages, even though when I stop and think we've really only been friends with them for less than 2 years (which just completely blows my mind).
Basically Britt is just like Luke (which is why I love her so much I think) and Matt and I are quite similar as well. He and I love to debate and usually Britt and Luke can't get a word in edgewise. So last night, they came over and we were debriefing them about our time in court. I say debrief because that's exactly what it feels like with them. We strip everything down and get to the bare bones, then they continue to help us pick it apart. I love that we can do that with them and that we don't have to hold back. We can rant and say things that are purely selfish and they allow it, knowing it's not really our true heart but rather something we just needed to say. If you have friends like this, you understand what I'm talking about. If you don't, find some.
Last night, Luke and I were really getting worked up. Luke was ranting about how obvious it is that we would be the best place for Baby D. We were going on and on about how sorry we thought it was that the birth parents didn't even ask about him yesterday. We were venting about how ridiculous it was that the attorney made it abundantly clear to the court that the birth parents paid for Baby D's circumcision, even thought it was "elective." While Luke and I understand where the attorney is coming from, he was pitching their actions to the court as if they should win a Parent of the Year award or something. Disgusting. After Luke finished his rant, this is basically how mine went:
Basically Britt is just like Luke (which is why I love her so much I think) and Matt and I are quite similar as well. He and I love to debate and usually Britt and Luke can't get a word in edgewise. So last night, they came over and we were debriefing them about our time in court. I say debrief because that's exactly what it feels like with them. We strip everything down and get to the bare bones, then they continue to help us pick it apart. I love that we can do that with them and that we don't have to hold back. We can rant and say things that are purely selfish and they allow it, knowing it's not really our true heart but rather something we just needed to say. If you have friends like this, you understand what I'm talking about. If you don't, find some.
Last night, Luke and I were really getting worked up. Luke was ranting about how obvious it is that we would be the best place for Baby D. We were going on and on about how sorry we thought it was that the birth parents didn't even ask about him yesterday. We were venting about how ridiculous it was that the attorney made it abundantly clear to the court that the birth parents paid for Baby D's circumcision, even thought it was "elective." While Luke and I understand where the attorney is coming from, he was pitching their actions to the court as if they should win a Parent of the Year award or something. Disgusting. After Luke finished his rant, this is basically how mine went:
Absolutely! I mean, let's make sure everyone knows that they paid for the circumcision. I mean, after all it is expensive to parent a child. I mean, we've hardly done anything for Baby D. We've just paid the power bill so that he could have heat, lights and warm water. We've only paid the water bill so he could have water in his bottle to mix his formula. We've only provided every diaper he's ever used. We've only paid for the gas in our car to take him to the doctor. We've done those things because THAT'S WHAT PARENTS DO!
Then Matt said something that really made me stop and think. It wasn't his intention to convict me, but I know God placed that thought in his head because it was exactly what I needed to hear. He said, Yeah, if this was a custody battle it would be over.
That's it. In my mind, this entire thing has been a custody battle of sorts. It has been about what seems to be Baby D's obvious best interest, in my opinion. I don't know if I've been looking for validation, or if God just chose to make it obvious. I can see clearly that we are doing what is in the best interest of this Baby. I need no further reason other than being a mother. Mothers love their babies. Mothers care for them, despite impending heartache. Mothers choose to love above all else. Mothers do what it takes to care for their kids. Mothers make sacrifices. I'm a mother to Baby D, not someone on one side of a courtroom, fighting for custody. I love how God completely places situations, friends and comments in my path to redirect my heart just when it begins to slip.
This week I read Hebrews 11. I realized that my God is faithful. I realized that I am not. I need to place all of my faith in Him. If He chooses to bless me with the desires of my heart, then I am unworthy. If He chooses to increase my faith through a challenging outcome, then I am unworthy. Either way, God stays the same and I remain in a place of choice. For me, the choice is simple, I choose to have faith. I choose to trust. I choose His way, because really, what other choice do I have? One day, He will show me the promised land. The journey to get there will be nothing like I expected. I have faith that He loves me and desires the best for me. The joy is in the journey and my faith lies in Him. I love Hebrews 11:40
That's it. In my mind, this entire thing has been a custody battle of sorts. It has been about what seems to be Baby D's obvious best interest, in my opinion. I don't know if I've been looking for validation, or if God just chose to make it obvious. I can see clearly that we are doing what is in the best interest of this Baby. I need no further reason other than being a mother. Mothers love their babies. Mothers care for them, despite impending heartache. Mothers choose to love above all else. Mothers do what it takes to care for their kids. Mothers make sacrifices. I'm a mother to Baby D, not someone on one side of a courtroom, fighting for custody. I love how God completely places situations, friends and comments in my path to redirect my heart just when it begins to slip.
This week I read Hebrews 11. I realized that my God is faithful. I realized that I am not. I need to place all of my faith in Him. If He chooses to bless me with the desires of my heart, then I am unworthy. If He chooses to increase my faith through a challenging outcome, then I am unworthy. Either way, God stays the same and I remain in a place of choice. For me, the choice is simple, I choose to have faith. I choose to trust. I choose His way, because really, what other choice do I have? One day, He will show me the promised land. The journey to get there will be nothing like I expected. I have faith that He loves me and desires the best for me. The joy is in the journey and my faith lies in Him. I love Hebrews 11:40
God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.
He has something better for us. Together, with great friends, He is making me perfect.
He has something better for us. Together, with great friends, He is making me perfect.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
My Comfort, My Refuge, My Strength
Yesterday's doctor visit went well. The birth parents showed up (even though I selfishly prayed they would bail out). Luke and I sat, in a small waiting room in the back with his birth parents for almost an hour. During that time I felt such peace. I must thank each of you for praying for us, because I know it was those prayers that kept my heart from racing the entire hour (though it probably would have been good cardio, and I need to burn all of the calories I can). I know it was prayer that led me through the day yesterday. For that, I thank you.
I must say though, that quite a few of my friends have said that I am "special." Or that our family is "amazing." Please, please, please do not give us the credit. It is not on our own accord that we are being strong. It is not through our own initiative that we are finding peace. We are not anything special. Trust me on this one, it's ALL God.
If you look at us and see peace, turn your eyes to heaven and give God praise. If you listen to us with our kids and hear selflessness, turn your ears to God and give Him glory. If you think, for one second, that Luke and I have exponential love, turn your heart to Christ and feel His goodness. This is SO not a Luke & Jessica thing, but a God thing.
I am so weak, so anxious and so incredibly dependent. I have "nubbin" fingernails because I chew them on the regular. I take acid-reducer medicine on a consistent basis as to subside my ever churning stomach. However, since this entire foster parent process started I have felt peace. Sure I've had moments of anxiety, frustration and questions. But, for the most part, (and I would say that's about 98% of the time) I've felt PEACE. Unsurpassed peace. Peace that I cannot explain. I can only look to Christ as the source of my strength.
The song "Shout To the Lord" plays through my mind so much. So, I decided to search my favorite line of that song on BibleGateway.com (my absolute favorite Bible site). The part of the song that sticks out is "My Comfort, My Shelter, Tower of refuge and strength."
When I searched "tower of refuge," it came back with Psalm 61:2-3:
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
So please, if you pass us in the store, see us in the halls at church or if we even come to mind, please give God all the glory. Although it's humbling and flattering to hear of others praising you, we truly can't take any credit. God has totally taken over this situation and brought us more peace than we could ever imagine. It is not our own, it is purely Him.
I must say though, that quite a few of my friends have said that I am "special." Or that our family is "amazing." Please, please, please do not give us the credit. It is not on our own accord that we are being strong. It is not through our own initiative that we are finding peace. We are not anything special. Trust me on this one, it's ALL God.
If you look at us and see peace, turn your eyes to heaven and give God praise. If you listen to us with our kids and hear selflessness, turn your ears to God and give Him glory. If you think, for one second, that Luke and I have exponential love, turn your heart to Christ and feel His goodness. This is SO not a Luke & Jessica thing, but a God thing.
I am so weak, so anxious and so incredibly dependent. I have "nubbin" fingernails because I chew them on the regular. I take acid-reducer medicine on a consistent basis as to subside my ever churning stomach. However, since this entire foster parent process started I have felt peace. Sure I've had moments of anxiety, frustration and questions. But, for the most part, (and I would say that's about 98% of the time) I've felt PEACE. Unsurpassed peace. Peace that I cannot explain. I can only look to Christ as the source of my strength.
The song "Shout To the Lord" plays through my mind so much. So, I decided to search my favorite line of that song on BibleGateway.com (my absolute favorite Bible site). The part of the song that sticks out is "My Comfort, My Shelter, Tower of refuge and strength."
When I searched "tower of refuge," it came back with Psalm 61:2-3:
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.
So please, if you pass us in the store, see us in the halls at church or if we even come to mind, please give God all the glory. Although it's humbling and flattering to hear of others praising you, we truly can't take any credit. God has totally taken over this situation and brought us more peace than we could ever imagine. It is not our own, it is purely Him.
Shout To the Lord
(click the title listen, I like the Skillet version best)
(click the title listen, I like the Skillet version best)
My Jesus, My Savior,
Lord there is none like You.
All of my days,
I want to praise,
The wonders of Your mighty love.
My Comfort, my Shelter
Tower of refuge and strength.
Let every breath, all that I am,
Never cease to worship You.
Shout to the Lord,
All the Earth let us sing.
Power and majesty
Praise to the King.
Mountains bow down
And the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name.
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands.
Forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares
To the promise I have in You.
Lord there is none like You.
All of my days,
I want to praise,
The wonders of Your mighty love.
My Comfort, my Shelter
Tower of refuge and strength.
Let every breath, all that I am,
Never cease to worship You.
Shout to the Lord,
All the Earth let us sing.
Power and majesty
Praise to the King.
Mountains bow down
And the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name.
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands.
Forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares
To the promise I have in You.
Monday, March 31, 2008
My (Unofficial) Foster Parents
I've been thinking a lot today about the role of foster parents. Then, out of the blue, the Holy Spirit revealed to me something absolutely amazing...I HAD (unofficial) FOSTER PARENTS!!!
When I was in senior high school, my relationship with my father began to get shaky. At that time, my best friend's family accepted me into their home. Although I didn't spend copious amounts of time there, when I was there I was family. Now, I've moved 13 hours away from not only my best friend, but her family as well. And although my communication with them is limited, I have no doubt that they had a profound impact on my life. They loved me as their own, even though they didn't have to. They prayed for me as their own, even though I didn't know it. They think of me as their own, even though I'm never there. For this, Mr. Jim & Mrs. Mary, I am eternally grateful.
As Luke and I continue to journey down this path towards foster care, God continues to reveal just how he's molded, shaped and trained me for this position. Even before I was His, He knew this was the path I would choose and He prepared my heart and my mind. I am reminded of two scriptures:
Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Psalm 139:13-16
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
Before Christ died on the cross, for me, He knew the choices I would make. Before I was even a clump of cells, growing inside my mother's womb, He knew all of my days and all of my choices. I am continually astounded that the Creator of the Universe reveals these things to me. What a Mighty, Amazing and completely Personal God I serve!
I'm reminded of a portion of a song by Mercy Me that says:
Your love, is extravegant.
Your friendship, it is intimate.
He is extravagant. He is intimate. Thanks Mr. Jim & Mrs. Mary for playing such a profound role in my life. Though to you it might feel trivial, God knew from the beginning, and He knows even the end. I love you guys...
Mr. Jim & Mrs. Mary with Elizabeth (age 7.5 mos)
When I was in senior high school, my relationship with my father began to get shaky. At that time, my best friend's family accepted me into their home. Although I didn't spend copious amounts of time there, when I was there I was family. Now, I've moved 13 hours away from not only my best friend, but her family as well. And although my communication with them is limited, I have no doubt that they had a profound impact on my life. They loved me as their own, even though they didn't have to. They prayed for me as their own, even though I didn't know it. They think of me as their own, even though I'm never there. For this, Mr. Jim & Mrs. Mary, I am eternally grateful.
As Luke and I continue to journey down this path towards foster care, God continues to reveal just how he's molded, shaped and trained me for this position. Even before I was His, He knew this was the path I would choose and He prepared my heart and my mind. I am reminded of two scriptures:
Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Psalm 139:13-16
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Before Christ died on the cross, for me, He knew the choices I would make. Before I was even a clump of cells, growing inside my mother's womb, He knew all of my days and all of my choices. I am continually astounded that the Creator of the Universe reveals these things to me. What a Mighty, Amazing and completely Personal God I serve!
I'm reminded of a portion of a song by Mercy Me that says:
Your love, is extravegant.
Your friendship, it is intimate.
He is extravagant. He is intimate. Thanks Mr. Jim & Mrs. Mary for playing such a profound role in my life. Though to you it might feel trivial, God knew from the beginning, and He knows even the end. I love you guys...
Mr. Jim & Mrs. Mary with Elizabeth (age 7.5 mos)
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