Authentic

Maybe you've noticed that my blogs lately have been a little superficial. Well, not today folks. I found a blog and I have to tell you that because of this post and a podcast sermon from this pastor I've been shaken up a little. Both dealt with authenticity. Both made me question why I believe what I believe and why I do what I do.

Let me start with the blog. I found this blog through a tweet. As I read her words, I clicked on another post that she had posted formerly (that first link up there). In that post, Lindsay the blog author said...

Because let's be honest. To be involved in church and call yourself a Christian in this day and age puts an awful lot of pressure on you to portray yourself as a perfect person. You shouldn't wear too much makeup. You shouldn't go to a bar and have martinis. You shouldn't curse. Your blog had better not have a tacky word in the header like ass; it should have hearts and flowers and blinkies on it, and Bible verses in the sidebar. You get major bonus points for living frugally and homeschooling and banning all radio in your house and car except the local Christian music station.


Ouch! Is that me? Am I this woman she is speaking of? I would hope that those of you who know me personally know how incredibly flawed I am. Those of you who see me, speak to me and really know me, well, you know that the imperfections follow me like a pile of stank. But what about others? What about the people who haphazardly come across my blog or meet me in public? Do they see me as fake? Am I less authentic with them because they just get a snapshot of my life?

Yes, I have Bible verses in my sidebar and even in my header. Yes, we homeschool our kids. Yes, I only listen to Christian music. I hardly ever wear make up and I try VERY hard not to use profanity. But "pressure to portray myself as perfect"? Hardly.

Do you want to know why I do the things I do? I hope so, because I'm going to tell you.

Do you want to know what drives me to put Bible verses on my sidebar and in my header? Because I'M SO FREAKIN' LOST. I seriously have no clue. I need constant reminders of what I am suppose to be striving for. I need the everyday glance at something that might, hopefully, ressonate within me, causing me to stop and remember my God. I need those Bible verses. Trust me, they are not there for YOUR benefit.

Do you want to know why I homeschool my kids? Although I am finding more and more reasons, the biggest is this: I'm a control freak by nature. When I taught public school, I always thought that all the other kids would have done better if they'd have been in my class. Egotistical much? Geesh. I don't think that anyone else could possibly educate my kids better than me. Not that I think I'm the smartest person alive, but I mean, I DO have a degree in Education. If the state says I'm good enough to educate kids, then why not just teach my own. And hey, at least if I screw them up I only have myself to blame.

Profanity? This is an ongoing battle for me. I am getting better, but I still have my days. And that doesn't mean that the words still don't come into my mind, I'm just better at controlling them. The reason I try not to curse? Because if I truly have a spirit living in me that is holy and blameless, how can I even attempt to portray that with f-bombs flying out and obliterating everything around them?

Why do I only listen to Christian music? Because it's all I can listen to. No, my car radio is not stuck on KLOVE. A friend of mine once said, "Songs remind me of people and times in my life...sort of like a soundtrack to my life."

I couldn't agree more. Music evokes emotion with in me. If I hear a song about being in love, I suddenly feel more love for my husband. If I hear a song about children and growing up, I cry thinking about my kids being grown. If I hear a song that takes me back to my college days, I remember the guy I was with, the way I felt about him and how hurt I was when he broke my heart. Those thoughts lead to other thoughts and eventually I am headed down a path that does not support strengthening my marriage...if you catch my drift. For me, music = memories. Some of those memories are safe, others are not. Because of the poor choices I made prior to my relationship with Luke, I cannot take the chance that I might hear a song and think of another man. My heart is not yet able and I doubt it will ever be.

Bars? Martinis? Personally I think that bars reek of cigarette smoke and I don't like martinis.

Too much makeup? Who has time for makeup? I'm lucky to shower everyday.

Lindsay said that women who seem to do/don't do all of these things fit into a "sorority", a sunny one. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not angry at Lindsay. In fact, I totally understand where she's coming from. I think her point is that sometimes, Christians seem less that totally authentic. Which takes me back to my original thought.

Am I authentic? Am I transparent? Do other people think that I am attempting to appear blameless and perfect because I claim to have Jesus?

I am not perfect and I pray that I am authentic. The truth is, because I am flawed and imperfect, it is exactly why I need Jesus, why I need him desperately. It is because of those times in my life when I was a free-spirited floozie and the days where f-bombs control my mind that I need Him so dramatically now.

I choose to surround myself with scripture, Christian music and other Christians not so that I can mask what I truly am, but so that I can strive for what I'll never be.

I can never claim righteousness because it is a quality that I will never hold. I pray that through my life and this blog that everyone would not see a woman who is faking perfection, but a broken girl, who wants so desperately to be seen as remarkable woman because of the One who holds her up and encompasses all perfection.

For Tricia

I am joyfully accepting the challenge given by another blogging mommy. The challenge is to list all the things that I take for granted, with regard to my children. Then, the next time I do one of these tasks, I will think of Tricia, and others like her, and praise my Lord for the ability to do these things. Some of these will reference past duties.

Note: If you've not yet read about Nate, Tricia and Gwyneth, take a moment and check out their blog over in my list of faves.

Things I take for granted, when mothering my kids:

* Changing poopy diapers
* Fixing lunch, and sitting with them while they eat
* Cleaning up after a messy, but enjoyable lunch
* Hearing the squeal of "MOMMY!" when I open their door 1st thing in the morning
* Toddler jibberish
* Random hugs
* Sugar-lips
* Being able to take care of their basic needs
* Breastfeeding (from the past, but I still took it for granted)
* Giving them baths
* Stepping on cherrios
* Watching , "Go Diego, Go!" for the millionth time
* Being continuously interuppted each time I attempt an adult conversation
* Sprinting someone to the potty, before it's too late
* Wiping snotty noses
* Snotty kisses
* "Doctoring" a bloody lip
* Tickle parties
* Sneaking in at 11pm (with my husband) to watch them sleep
* Pig piles
* Belly munchins
* Uncontrollable screaming
* Always looking for "Kitty" and "Bear Bear," Lucas and Ashlee's lovies
* Piles of dirty laundry (I'm blessed they are here to make it)
* A dirty house
* Teaching Elizabeth about God, Jesus and how to love others
* Watching Lucas and Ashlee pray

These are just a handful (okay, maybe two) of the things that make my heart swell with love and joy. Sometimes, I look at my life, as a stay-at-home mom and ponder my purpose. Thanks to Tricia, this is something that crosses my mind a lot less lately. I feel so blessed to take care of these kids that call me "Momma." They give me a life with direction and heart of purpose. I love my job....do you?

Never Good Enough or Perfection In The Making?

Warning: This section is NOT meant as a post to bash or belittle my father(s), merely my reflections about my own readings.

As I've mentioned previously, I've been reading the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge and all I can say is "WOW!" I think they wrote it just for me. If you have not had the opportunity to read or hear of this book, I would certainly check it out at your local library. God has used it to reveal to me so much about my past and my father(s) that I have never understood before. I'm currently on Chapter six and it is asking me to forgive all the people that have wounded me and caused me to have scars. That's a pretty major undertaking for me. I have countless scars on top of scars that I have chosen to cover up and not deal with. The Eldredges say that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. First you forgive, then later the feeling of forgiveness comes. I want my choice to forgive to be whole-hearted (not just, ok I forgive you b/c I'm suppose to), so I am continuing to pray over this as I read.

Next, they address the correlation between your relationship with your earthly father to how you view our Heavenly Father. For me, this was profound. I had heard this before, but hearing it from another woman, in the SAME WORDS I felt, shook me. Here's an excerpt from the book and I totally identify with these words...(again, this is NOT a bashing session)..

I was looking at my heavenly Father through the lenses of my experiences with my own father. And for me, that meant my heavenly Father was distant, aloof, unavailable, hard to please, easily disappointed, quick to anger and often hard to predict. True, I wanted to please him. But since God the Father was, to me, hard to fathom and not especially inviting, my relationship with God centered on my relationship with his Son. Jesus liked me. I wasn't so sure about his dad. (Captivating, p. 106-107)


Wow! Can I just say that I feel the EXACT same way? I mean, I'd never considered that before, that I based my relationship with God on my relationship with Jesus, because I saw Jesus differently.

I haven't read past this paragraph, because I just keep reading those words over and over and over again. I am so amazed that God is using this to reveal to me that he is IS loving, nurturing and in all aspects of the word a Father.

Just so you know, both of my fathers, biological and step, are good men. However, my relationship with my "real" dad is strained and has been for many years. My relationship with my step-dad is good, but started off rocky (I was 12 when he married my mom). Both of them, I do believe, would die for me. I do have many scars because of past things and I am praying for the guidance that only God can give on how to handle, proceed and carry on a healthy, loving relationship with both men.

What's the point?

About 6 months ago I was reading the book "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. In it, she suggests creating a life purpose statement. I have been captivated by this concept since I read it. Although I have thought that I had purpose for my life, I have never before looked at it from this vantage point. I have never thought of my entire life as a time line and referenced where I been and where I am, in contrast to where I want to be. Read my life purpose verse, then I will attempt to explain its meaning in terms of my heart:

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. ~ Philippians 3:12-14, The Message

Here's what I take this to mean for me:

1. I will never be the person that says, "I've got it all figured out." I am trying desperately hard to become the Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister and Friend that Jesus Christ wants me to be. However, I fail in every area of my life daily. I don't know how I can let God down so much, fail so often and still be considered so valuable to Him. That baffles me. I know that every time I am in the Word and in prayer or just sitting with friends, I learn so much about this God I love. I think about it a lot in reference to 1 Corinthians Chapter 3. I know that there are days when all I can tolerate is God's milk. Then, when I am ready in a new area, He gives me meat. I am continually amazed at how He works on my heart in simple ways, continuing to reveal Himself to me.

2. I know that if I continue to seek God's will for my life, then I am headed in the right direction. I may have NO CLUE where He is taking me, but when the Creator of the universes is in control, who am I to ask questions? Not that I don't, because believe you me, I have SOOO many uncertainties. I also know that my God is big enough for me to doubt Him, have questions about Him, not believe Him and yet He still loves me. Amazing.

3. Lastly, (at least for now) I know that I am headed in the right direction. I am headed down the path that leads me to "Christ-likeness." Not that I'll get there anytime soon, but I know where I'm going. I don't want to go back to the old me. Not that I think that I was a horrible person before, the the new me is just so much better. I have a lot of fond memories of the time I spent before I knew Jesus. I know those memories will never fade, and many of them shaped me into who I am today. But the Spirit has taken over the old me and transformed me from the inside out. I have been made new. I am still the same old girl. I talk too much, say it too loud, laugh when no one else thinks stuff is funny, gross people out....but now, I'm different. I love looking for God in the every day. I realize that things in my life don't happen by "coincidence" and there is no such thing as "luck." Everything in the universe is held up by the God I serve. What an awesome way to live my life!

I still have many hurdles to jump, lots of mountains to climb and so many bridges to rebuild. But I know that with the power of Christ, I can overcome anything, because of His sacrifice for me.