Maybe you've noticed that my blogs lately have been a little superficial. Well, not today folks. I found a blog and I have to tell you that because of this post and a podcast sermon from this pastor I've been shaken up a little. Both dealt with authenticity. Both made me question why I believe what I believe and why I do what I do.
Let me start with the blog. I found this blog through a tweet. As I read her words, I clicked on another post that she had posted formerly (that first link up there). In that post, Lindsay the blog author said...
Because let's be honest. To be involved in church and call yourself a Christian in this day and age puts an awful lot of pressure on you to portray yourself as a perfect person. You shouldn't wear too much makeup. You shouldn't go to a bar and have martinis. You shouldn't curse. Your blog had better not have a tacky word in the header like ass; it should have hearts and flowers and blinkies on it, and Bible verses in the sidebar. You get major bonus points for living frugally and homeschooling and banning all radio in your house and car except the local Christian music station.
Ouch! Is that me? Am I this woman she is speaking of? I would hope that those of you who know me personally know how incredibly flawed I am. Those of you who see me, speak to me and really know me, well, you know that the imperfections follow me like a pile of stank. But what about others? What about the people who haphazardly come across my blog or meet me in public? Do they see me as fake? Am I less authentic with them because they just get a snapshot of my life?
Yes, I have Bible verses in my sidebar and even in my header. Yes, we homeschool our kids. Yes, I only listen to Christian music. I hardly ever wear make up and I try VERY hard not to use profanity. But "pressure to portray myself as perfect"? Hardly.
Do you want to know why I do the things I do? I hope so, because I'm going to tell you.
Do you want to know what drives me to put Bible verses on my sidebar and in my header? Because I'M SO FREAKIN' LOST. I seriously have no clue. I need constant reminders of what I am suppose to be striving for. I need the everyday glance at something that might, hopefully, ressonate within me, causing me to stop and remember my God. I need those Bible verses. Trust me, they are not there for YOUR benefit.
Do you want to know why I homeschool my kids? Although I am finding more and more reasons, the biggest is this: I'm a control freak by nature. When I taught public school, I always thought that all the other kids would have done better if they'd have been in my class. Egotistical much? Geesh. I don't think that anyone else could possibly educate my kids better than me. Not that I think I'm the smartest person alive, but I mean, I DO have a degree in Education. If the state says I'm good enough to educate kids, then why not just teach my own. And hey, at least if I screw them up I only have myself to blame.
Profanity? This is an ongoing battle for me. I am getting better, but I still have my days. And that doesn't mean that the words still don't come into my mind, I'm just better at controlling them. The reason I try not to curse? Because if I truly have a spirit living in me that is holy and blameless, how can I even attempt to portray that with f-bombs flying out and obliterating everything around them?
Why do I only listen to Christian music? Because it's all I can listen to. No, my car radio is not stuck on KLOVE. A friend of mine once said, "Songs remind me of people and times in my life...sort of like a soundtrack to my life."
I couldn't agree more. Music evokes emotion with in me. If I hear a song about being in love, I suddenly feel more love for my husband. If I hear a song about children and growing up, I cry thinking about my kids being grown. If I hear a song that takes me back to my college days, I remember the guy I was with, the way I felt about him and how hurt I was when he broke my heart. Those thoughts lead to other thoughts and eventually I am headed down a path that does not support strengthening my marriage...if you catch my drift. For me, music = memories. Some of those memories are safe, others are not. Because of the poor choices I made prior to my relationship with Luke, I cannot take the chance that I might hear a song and think of another man. My heart is not yet able and I doubt it will ever be.
Bars? Martinis? Personally I think that bars reek of cigarette smoke and I don't like martinis.
Too much makeup? Who has time for makeup? I'm lucky to shower everyday.
Lindsay said that women who seem to do/don't do all of these things fit into a "sorority", a sunny one. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not angry at Lindsay. In fact, I totally understand where she's coming from. I think her point is that sometimes, Christians seem less that totally authentic. Which takes me back to my original thought.
Am I authentic? Am I transparent? Do other people think that I am attempting to appear blameless and perfect because I claim to have Jesus?
I am not perfect and I pray that I am authentic. The truth is, because I am flawed and imperfect, it is exactly why I need Jesus, why I need him desperately. It is because of those times in my life when I was a free-spirited floozie and the days where f-bombs control my mind that I need Him so dramatically now.
I choose to surround myself with scripture, Christian music and other Christians not so that I can mask what I truly am, but so that I can strive for what I'll never be.
I can never claim righteousness because it is a quality that I will never hold. I pray that through my life and this blog that everyone would not see a woman who is faking perfection, but a broken girl, who wants so desperately to be seen as remarkable woman because of the One who holds her up and encompasses all perfection.
If it makes you feel any better... I think you are authentic.
ReplyDeleteThere are folks out there that do seem over the top "Christian," laying it on so thick that I am even turned off, I can't imagine what a non-believer thinks. But, that is probably just me with that big ol' plank in my eye casting judgment.
However, for someone to sarcastically suggest that you get "bonus points" for being a good steward of your money or homeschooling??? If I lived the way my selfish heart would want to, I would blow Noah's paychecks on fancy martinis. I would be sending my kids off to school (two kids mind you, because who has time for more?) and riding horses all day.
But thankfully, the Spirit has worked on me and changed my heart on so many of these "bonus point" issues.
Don't get me wrong, I am SOOOO far from where I want to be. I struggle with sin just like everyone else. But as I grow, I see the world and people in a different light, and for that I am grateful.
BTW, you would like martinis if you tried the yummy fancy kind that cost $8 a pop... there is a cool martini bar in Salisbury... the Tiramisu Martini is to die for! Seriously.
Oh, and Noah and I are both going through a phase of listening to the country stations... cheesy music, his favorite- Taylor Swift (hahaha), and a couple of funny songs like "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" and "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off." (I turn those down when the kids are listening). The music we once listened to have too many of those F-bombs you spoke of :-)
I am so glad that I have found you and Beth!!! hahaha You are truly my kindred spirits! hehe!
ReplyDeleteI truly see that you are authentic! Someone who lays themselves at the foot of the cross as you do COUNTLESS times can't be superficial! The reason we know you do is that you say you do right here on your blog (sure you can say whatever you want but why paint it like that if it weren't true?!). I can't count how many times you have been "sorry" for something on here. You are real!
When I read the post by Sub. Turmoil, I got a different spin on it than you did, I guess. I think she was talking more about those "sorority Christians" passing judgement on others for not being "just like them" than she was for what the "sorority Christians" were doing in their own lives (ie, makeup, music, martinis).
ReplyDeleteI know a lady who is a kind, loving, sincere Christian woman who has SO turned me off in the last few months because she has made me feel like a "project". I don't fit her mold. I'm not quite sure I fit God's mold, either, but I'm doing the best I can do. I think this is what Lindsay is talking about......
You are very transparent in your blog. You may not type curse words, but you sure talk about poop a lot. This would surely be frowned upon by some Christian ladies ;)
Steph
My point was not that Christians like that are less authentic. At all. In fact, I think Christians like that often are COMPLETELY authentic. Making me feel like I... am not.
ReplyDeleteDoing all of those things allows you to be that person that people look at and say, "Now that right there is a goooooood Christian."
The problem I have personally is that I'm nowhere close to doing most of those things. It only recently occurred to me that despite that, God can still use me too. That maybe, God even has a plan for me, just the way I am, even though others may look at me and not understand God's plan. Does that make sense?
Great post!
ReplyDeleteMy number 1 goal with my blog is to be transparent. You might not like what you read, but my God is sure using me!!
I tend to agree with you, in that, the choices I am making today are the HARDER. but oh so More Rewarding ones.
Seriously, it takes a lot to not be conformed to this World. It is a daily struggle, really for me it is a second by second struggle.
I so want to be a good example, more so for my own kiddos than for whoever is looking into my blog world.
I just keep my focus on my ever growing relationship with God!
Love Ya Bunches!!
i love the post. i think that sometimes 'worldy' people see christians as that. especially the christians who try to fit a mold. that's where they 'screw' up. we just have to be ourselves and follow as best as we can what god told us to do in the bible. it's not easy. but it wasn't meant to be.
ReplyDeleteThanks for introducing me to Suburban Turmoil- crazy cool that her blog is reaching so many people. I doubt my blog gets touched by anyone that is not a Christian. In the real world I think it's so important that no matter how we chose to live- martini free or not, low budget or not, homeschool or not that we are being guided by the Holy Spirit and loving those around us. You do portray authenticity, God's plan for you may be to reach out to someone totally different than Subruban Turmoil. We are the body of Christ- not all eyes, not all feet, not all ears.
ReplyDeleteNot sure if I've ever commented before, but I do enjoy your blog- we have finished our homestudy and are currently beginning the adoption process- I love reading about your adventures in foster parenting.
I have to agree with Sub Turmoil that there is a stereotype of what a good Christian is and does. When I do not fit that stereotype, I can feel like a "less than" Christian. It has taken me a while to realize that the stereotype itself is a man made concept, not a God given definition of what it means to follow Christ.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, I think it is all a heart motivation question- Do we do the things we do as to please man (i.e. to please other Christians or to fit a stereotype) or because we serve a God who is in the job of changing lives to look more like Him?
Oh, I like what Wendi said.
ReplyDeleteYou've sparked a controversy! We are all works in progress. I know you outside of your blog and I have never thought your blog portrays you differently than the way I know you to be. I think that means you are authentic.
ReplyDeleteI think what happens with Christians who fit that "sorority" description is that some of them think everyone should look like them to the point that their faith/salvation is questioned. That's legalism.
On the other hand, Christians who chose to do those things can be so misunderstood by others that it is almost considered a fault. Our lives don't have to look the same. God calls us in different ways, convicts us in different ways, and uses different ways to maintain a growing relationship with Him.
Our tendency is to find something that works for us and to project that on others as a prescription for their problems. I am not intended to be the Holy Spirit to anyone. It is tempting sometimes, but I know that the changes in my heart have come from the Father. There are people whose lives have been testimonies to me not because they have tried to fix me, but because they have been true to God. You are one of them. It is those people that I look at and see something that I want...beyond salvation which I already have...but a particular lifestyle choice.
The only thing I didn't quite agree with in the Surburban Turmoil post was what she said about God using her more the way she is. I'm not sure what she meant about "the way she is." I think a close walk with God will produce constant changes in our hearts and actions. I don't think we ever stop being molded. I wouldn't want to say that I'm the way I am because that's how God wants me. Scripture talks about striving for righteousness, denying our ways and our own lives. God loved us before we loved Him...He loves us as the imperfect Christians we are...but He continually wants something better for us.
@ Suburban Turmoil:
ReplyDeleteYes, it does make sense. But here's the kicker...even though my outward actions sometimes fit that model of "Good Chrisitan" inside I'm still a messed up person, wondering how in the heck God will, or could ever, use me.
So again, I ask...am I authentic? Because outwardly I'm clearly portraying a certain image, but inside I'm still racked to death by my own, uncontrollable sin.
I think it's easy to sit in our own life and be overwhelmed by how "bad" we are. We see our own sin, hear our own thoughts and know our every action. Most of the time I look at the people around me (most of them commenters on this very post) and think "What could they possibly do that's as sinful as the stuff I do?" Realistically I know they aren't perfect, but from the outside looking in I know that they could never struggle as much as I do.
Lastly, there's no such thing as a "good Christian." Anyone who is really examining themself (which I think you are doing...and that's a good thing) will see that they are totally sinful, totally unworthy, and utterly helpless unless surrendered completely to a Mighty God.
I popped over from SuburbanTurmoil to see.. and I understand.. I doubt anyone cares about my blog aside from the people I grew up with and fellow pastor's wives.. maybe some women who have lost babies. I don't know. But, like you, I felt compelled to write about this authenticity thing.
ReplyDeleteHere's the deal... what if... just maybe... when we stop feeling less than worthy, when we become the holier than thou people? we stop growing in Our Daddy. I think God has something awesome in store for you and Lindsay and I hope me. Just remember that your outward protective appearance is great and all. But Our Jesus? sees the dark corners inside and loves us regardless. Thank you for writing such needed words.
CeCe
Hmm, you and I got a lot more in common than I thought! I could have practically written that post myself....
ReplyDelete