Take heart

I'm generally an outspoken girl. I know you all are shocked to hear that.

But lately, I just can't seem to form the words. Actually, that's not true. I can form words. But the words that mesh together in my head, then form into thoughts and beg to spill from my lips are not exactly words that many people want to hear.

I go to a Bible study on Thursdays. This is my fourth year and I'd recommend it to any and every one who loves to study the word of God or wants to learn how to study the word of God or just needs 2 hours a week with some of the most amazing women on the planet.

I also go to a Bible study on Monday night with some of my closest friends. Sometimes it's more of group therapy than Bible study. But they challenge me, convict me and encourage me like few people can.

I'm also working through a Bible study with 3 other close friends. We're reading through the book of Ruth. I've always loved the book of Ruth.

Ask me about my Monday night study. I avoid going because I simply don't want to hear about any more struggles with any of my friends. Selfish, I know.

Ask me about the Ruth study. I've been on week 3 for about 3 and a half weeks.

Ask me about the Thursday study. Am I reading through Ephesians like all the other women? Not exactly. We are entering week 3 and I've yet to crack my workbook open outside of class time.

I sit in my small group time and listen to well intentioned women give their best efforts at encouraging and convicting snippets of information, all while perfectly holding a warm cup of coffee and wearing brightly colored capri pants and a snappy little cardigans. I look around the room and wonder what the hidden tragedies are in their lives. What words, songs, smells or memories cause hot tears to spring to their eyes in a matter of seconds? Do they even have those stories?

We sit in a circle and they share their convictions of the weeks's lesson and I look at them and wonder how on earth they can just sit there and talk about the glory of God.

I know they mean well. I know that some women in my group have faced tragedy that I pray never befalls me. One of the women in my group is walking a road that sickens me and causes me to sob on demand.

These women, they have wisdom and insights and knowledge that at any other time in my life, I'd leap at, cling to and scribble in the margins of my workbook.

But right now I'm struggling to understand, comprehend and flat out accept the sovereignty of God.

We're planning a beach trip soon and we're also planning a trip to go see our "oh-my-word-our-families-are-so-similar-its-scary" friends sometime in the near future. Yes, we drive a 15 passenger van. No, we cannot fit all the crap we need to function our luggage into our van when we travel places that require more than one night's stay. Therefore, the last two times we've travelled, we've had to rent an enclosed trailer. So I did a little search on Craig's List and found one listed very cheap about an hour away from us. We offered the seller significantly less than the listing price and he accepted. For approximately the cost of two rentals, we bought a trailer.

Only God.

Yesterday we packed up the kids and drove the hour or so to pick it up. When we got there we began to make small talk with the seller. He and his family had moved from California to the east coast and he bought the trailer for the move.

"Why did you move here?"

"To attend seminary,"he answered.

Turns out, he is attending seminary at the same place Luke and I have been taking online courses for Africa Inland Mission's Bible training requirements. Noticing that the seller was from another country, we asked him if he had plans to go back to his home country.

"Yes, I came here to get my degree so I can go back home and plant churches there."

I stood there, dumbfounded.

Seriously, God? Church planting?

We shared our own calling with him, I made small talk with his very pregnant wife, Luke prayed with him and then we drove off, almost feeling like we were stealing this trailer because we bought is so cheap.

On the way home, I shared with Luke, my inability to understand God's sovereignty.

"How is it that in less than 24 hours from the time I decided to look for a trailer, we are driving home with one that we got for so cheap? I'm having a hard time reconciling this with God. I mean, we didn't pray for a trailer it's just a blessing that God provided. Yet, I've prayed and prayed and begged God for some serious desires of my heart and yet, I don't hear or see anything in regards to them. I'm angry."

And that's where I'm at folks.

How can a God who is in the details of our lives seem so distant? So far? So.... uncaring about my heart and the lives of those around me?

And, I don't mean this as harshly as it's going to sound, but please save your trite, customary responses. I don't need to hear "God has a plan" or "Time will heal" or even "Judge your circumstances by your God not your God by your circumstances."

Because if I'm being honest, life seems unfair right now.

I'm watching a friend grieve the loss of the daughter she's carrying in her womb. She knows her death is inevitable and there's nothing she can do to stop it.

Another friend is going through emotions I cannot fathom as her due date approaches for a son she delivered too many weeks too soon. Instead of growing uncomfortably large, anticipating sleepless nights and round-the-clock feedings, she's navigating the pain of knowing her due date will come and go and no baby will arrive as scheduled.

Another friend is struggling with health issues. Words like cancer and brain adenoma are being thrown around. And while not currently life threatening, it's scary because, dear God, she has 3 boys to raise.

Our plans for Africa seem to be ever changing and my heart is grasping at something to hold firm because I need something to be certain, sure and unwavering.

Not to mention, you know, my friend died and today marks two months.

Two months.

And in two month's time I still can't wrap my mind around why God would chose to take a perfectly healthy 20 year old girl who loved Him deeply, with zeal and with a reckless abandon. And everyone around her knew it.

So I sit. In Bible studies I sit. In church I sit. I listen to others tell me about how glorious and marvelous and faithful God is and I just sit. I take it all in but my voice never dares speak.

I try to pray and instead melt into tears and wonder if the desires in my heart are really what God wants to even give me because, damnit, it sure doesn't feel that way.

Yet even in this, I know.

He is faithful.

He is good.

He is trustworthy.

He is righteous.

He is Lord.

As the earth seems to tremble around me and I question sovereignty and meaning and why life seems to suck for nearly every person I know, I take heart.

I take heart.

Clinging to the promises that He who says who He is, is true. He is my true north.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

(John 16:33 ESV)

September 2012 Newsletter

Several years ago, when we set out on this journey of missions to Africa, we told God that we would go wherever He called us. We meant it. If God called us to go to unreached people, we’d go. If He called us to stay right where we are, we’d stay. If He asked us to go for multiple terms, we’d go. If He asked us to go one term, we’d do that too.

Ashlee and Paige, family trip to Paige's college - April 2012

Our desire is to experience Jesus like never before. We’d been on the mountain top with God and our desire is to be in His presence as much as possible, experiencing intimacies with Him.

Aaron and Paige, family vacation - May 2011

It’s been a hard summer for our family. As most of you know, in July, our family lost a very special person. Paige is a young girl we’d been discipling for over 5 years. Over the years, she became a part of our family. She went on vacations with us, helped us shuffle kids to and from events, spent countless hours around our kitchen table and playing games with our family. Her unexpected and sudden death has rocked our family.

Olivia and Paige, family vacation - May 2011

In light of our challenging summer, we put all of our speaking and support raising engagements on hold. We began just trying to survive day to day without our precious friend.

Jessica and Paige - 2008

As we made our way through our days, we began to wonder if maybe we shouldn’t ask God for confirmation on our calling to Kenya. As we prayed, we felt God moving us to consider some other options.

Paige and the kids - family trip to Paige's college - August 2010

To make a long story short, we have decided to take a SHORT TERM trip with Africa Inland Mission.
A short term trip with AIM lasts anywhere from 3 months to 12 months. The support goals will be significantly less and, our prayer is that our family will still get to travel to Southern Kenya where our hearts are still burdened for the unreached Duruma and Digo people. Our hope is to return there full time after our short term service period has ended.

Paige and Lucas have special time - July 2012

Currently, the short term department at AIM is researching our assignment options.

Luke, Mary and Paige - our first discipleship weekend - 2009

Will you pray with us that:

* God will make clear the assignment He desires for our family.

* We will hear His voice and see where He is moving.

* Our prayer and financial support will continue to increase. Even going short term, we still will have support needs that need to be completed.

* Our family will continue to heal the loss of our beloved Paige.

Elizabeth and Paige, family vacation - July 2012

Thank you for joining us on this journey. You are so faithful.

Blessings,

Luke, Jessica, Elizabeth, Lucas, Ashlee, Aaron, Olivia, Ella and Abigail Beaver

My Elizabeth is 8!

Over a month ago it happened. My first baby turned eight.

Eight.

My mouth hardly is able to form that number without a lump in my throat. How am I even old enough to have an eight year old?


God certainly knew what He was doing when He gave us Elizabeth as our first born. Oh how my heart swells with love and pride when I think about her precious heart, her giving spirit and her desire to continually help.


She's the BEST biggest sister. Even if I could have dreamed up a first born, big sister for our army of children, I doubt my best and wildest imagination could have ever designed Elizabeth. Nearly always patient, eager to help a younger sibling, loving, gentle, kind and caring - she is exactly what our younger children need in an oldest sibling. Never too big to act silly enough to elicit a giggle or laugh from one of the younger ones or too proud to allow them to smother her with kisses. Often, she's way more patient than I am and she teaches me continually about grace and mercy.


How could I ever make it through my days without this girl? She showers me with hugs, help and love. And I am just so, so thankful for the young woman she's growing to be, the young lady God desires her to grow into and the friend I will one day have in her.


She's sassy. She has a style and a way all her own. Eight is a fun age but a hard age too. She's just grown enough to do almost everything on her own while she still needs regular guidance, direction and input. It's a fine line to walk, allowing her to stumble when natural consequences would be the best teacher and gently guiding her when she needs direction before an impending failure.


She's an amazing forgiver, which is good because her mother makes regular, epic mistakes and has to ask for forgiveness often. Not too long ago we were all outside playing with some neighborhood kids. She and Lucas got into a spat and she over reacted physically toward Lucas. In my own sinfulness and over reaction I reached out and swatted her firmly, right on the bottom in front of her friends. It broke her heart. She ran into the house, tearfully, to escape certain humiliation.

I followed her quickly, realizing that I did no better than she had just done with her brother. Asking her for forgiveness she threw her scrawny arms around my neck, climbed into my lap and told me I was a great Mom and we'd always forgive each other.

Oh baby girl, how I pray we always do.


She humbles me, showing me often what real forgiveness, genuine laughter and unconditionally love looks like.

Man, I just love this girl.


I know harder days are ahead. Days where I'll be last person she wants to talk to, her relationships with her friends will take precedence and I'll miss her sassy eight year old self crawling up in my lap and begging me to cuddle.

So for now, I breathe her in. I take in every part of who she is: artist, friend maker, compassionate stranger, understanding big sister, Abigail's personal assistant, my sweetest, biggest baby girl.

And I thank God for the gift of her every single day. What a treasure He's given us in our oldest child!


Happy (Belated) Birthday Elizabeth! I love you so very much!

Click these to see Elizabeth when she turned seven, six, five and four.

Das Not Funny! Friday: Poop and weapons. What else do you expect?

I figured it's time for some laughs around this joint. I know I could use some. What better than a Das Not Funny! Friday to give me a good chuckle?

A few days ago I was in desperate need of a hair cut. I decided to take Ashlee over to my grandmas and let Elizabeth go with me. On the way over to my grandmas Elizabeth, Ashlee and I started talking about babies.

Y'all have to understand, Ashlee is a baby lover. She spends the majority of her day kissing, hugging, screeching in the loudest voice possible talking to Abigail and trying with all her might to make her laugh. So I figured it would only be natural for Ashlee to want several babies of her own.

"Ashlee, how many babies do you think you want to have when you grow up?" I asked, glancing in the rear view mirror.

"OH, NO! NO! NO!" she said, waving her arms in front of her, "I'm not having any babies. I'll adopt some though!"

"What?" I said shocked, "You don't want to have any babies from your belly? Why not?"

"Because," she said, as a look of terror crept across her face, "I don't want to be pooping any babies out of my butt! No.thank.you!"

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We live in a town with limited restaurant options which means we frequent the same places often. The older 3 really don't need my help in the bathroom anymore, and when we're in a place that's smaller and if I can see the bathroom doors, I'll let them go on their own.

But, I'm always telling the kids that if a stranger approaches them in the bathroom they are to be nice and polite but if they start asking them too many questions they are to simply say, "My Mom is expecting me back at the table" and then politely excuse themselves and come straight to me.

One afternoon I took the biggest 2 girls out for a lunch date. Elizabeth went to use the bathroom and, of course, a few minutes later Ashlee had to go. Elizabeth emerges from the bathroom giggling, loudly, following quickly by Ashlee doing the same thing.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"Mom," Ashlee said through spurts of giggles, "Wizabets and I were in the bathroom washing our hands and I said 'Hi' to her..."

"and I said," Elizabeth interrupted, stifling her own laughter, "My Mom is expecting me back at the table."

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One of the ways we discipline Aaron is to take away any toy resembling a weapon. Just threatening a day without weapons makes his little 4 year old self straighten right up.

However, once those toys are taken away, I'm faced with a barrage of questions about when the next day will be when he can have weapons.

"Mom," he said, looking at me with his big blue eyes, "tomorrow, can I have weapons again?"

"Yes, buddy" I answered, "tomorrow you will be able to have them back."

"Good! Then I'm gonna cut your leg off. And you'll have to hop like dis" (insert a 4 year old hopping on one foot) "and you'll never catch me again and take away my weapons!"

Well, that's one way to avoid punishment. Or not.

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Yesterday morning he had his prized weapons taken away, yet again. As he played in his room he sang the following song:

"I'm Aaron. Da supa-he-whoa boy! I can fly through da air and kill all da emenies. But I can't use da weapons because my Mom took dem all away!"

Good to know his consequences are sinking in a little.

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At the beginning of July we were temporarily living at my grandmother's condo while our house was being treated for an outbreak of fleas. It's pretty glamorous to say your house is flea infested, by the way.

Anyway, one night Luke and I had tucked all our little babes into bed. We'd stuck Ashlee in the bed in the master bedroom because she was having a harder time settling down.

The door to the bedroom creeped open and her little head squeezed through.

"Dad? Mom? I need to show you something."

Luke replied, less than thrilled with, "What."

"You have to come in here," she said, almost whispering.

"Is it a green light on the ceiling?" Luke asked.

I whipped my head around, looking at him nearly in shock.

Ashlee, equally shocked said, "Yes."

"That's a light on the smoke detector. Go to sleep."

"Oh," Ashlee said.

The door clicked shut and we both started giggling.

A few minutes later the door reopens and she stammers, "That's not funny!"

The door slammed behind her. Yeah, actually, it was.

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Olivia has beads in her hair. Something she's wanted for so very long but I've not been able to make happen.

Now, she enthusiastically runs up to me and says, "Momma! Wanna hear my beans?" as she frantically shakes her hair from side to side.

And all this time I thought it was a marble.

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Ella regressed a bit when Abigail was born and decided that poop was best made in her diaper, not in the potty.

The last two days, however, she's gone in the potty! Yay!

Yesterday I asked her if she had pooped a lot in the potty. "Was it a big poop?"I asked, wondering if she had really finished or just relieved the pressure until nap time and a diaper was secure on her bottom.

"Yep," she responded, her blonde curls bouncing around her as she flipped her head up and down, "a big poop. Daddy poops."

"Daddy poops?" I asked.

"Yep. Daddy do big poop. I big poop like Daddy!" She was real proud of herself.

I, on the other hand, while proud of the poop in the potty could have gone with out this information.

Y'all have a great weekend!