1st Week of Foster Parent Classes = Dullsville

We made it through our first week of Foster Parent classes. The 1st night was pretty much a typical 1st night in any class, lots of introductions, handing out paperwork, etc. It was pretty much boring for us b/c I'd already met with the social worker a couple times and we have completed the 1st round of paperwork. It did, however, spark some serious convo between Luke and I. We have been talking about what risks we are willing to take. This is something we have to decide for ourselves and at what price do we risk the health and stability of our home?

In my reading, I have learned that when God created Eve He called her Adam's "helper" or "help meet." I used to see this as a lesser role, inferior to Adam. However, God has revealed to me that although women are indeed Biblically required to be submissive to their husbands, that does not mean that the role that I play is less than that of Luke. In face, when God named Eve as Adam's helper, the specific word he used is (something greek) EZER. This ezer word was only used to describe a human being or thing just this 1 time. All other times that this form of the word helper was used in scripture, it was referring to the way that God helps us. He is our rescuer, our redeemer and our help (ezer) in our time of need. For me that is profound. The way that this all ties back to foster care is this:

God wants to be my helper. He desperately wants to rescue me, just as much as I desperately want to be rescued. However, if I never take a risk, I never take a step out on faith and allow myself to be in a dangerous situation, then God never has the chance to help me, to be my ezer.

Amazing. Therefore, I'm willing to risk some things. As I've said before, I won't jump off a cliff and expect God to bail me out. But I will follow His lead, even if it is into risky territory. How else can I find God as my Ezer? I certainly want to know Him on that intimate level.

Yesterday, the social worker called and said she'd received our clearance letters. That basically means that she can start completing our paper work so that we can be processed to become licensed. Once again, a decision. Do we keep playing it safe, take all 10 classes and then make a decision? Or, do we step out on faith, know that God is leading us, and if trouble arises allow Him to be our Ezer? For me, easy answer.

Hope you're ready God, b/c here we come!

Messy Superheroes That Make My Heart Swell

Most of the time, I can just look at my kids and feel a swell of emotion. I love them so much I can't squeeze them tight enough or give them enough kisses. The following pictures make me feel that way.

Lucas, after cupcakes

Ashlee, after Oreos

Ashlee and Lucas in their capes my Grandma made

Elizabeth, practicing her "modeling"

A pic of Elizabeth, taken 2 years ago. She's about 18 months old
and I still love seeing her laugh this hard.

I Am SOOOOOO Not A Morning Person

Day 4 of my new routine and I'm doing so/so.

Monday, woke up early and did great. I even snuck in a nap, which bit me in the butt b/c then I couldn't fall asleep Monday night. Which means I was up until after midnight.

So for Tuesday, I didn't wake up before 8:00. The rest of the day was good.

Yesterday (Wednesday), up "bright and early" at 7:30am. Took my Mom to the airport. Had a busy/productive day. Got our security system installed. The kids had no nap and I had to teach from 6-10pm last night. Whew!

Today.....Elizabeth crawled into bed with me at 7:10am, at which point, I thought...forget it. Especially when she began counting my dots (read: moles). Her comment was, "You sure got a lotta spots, Momma." After I chuckled, she also told me how bad my breath stunk. Hers wasn't roses, but that really hurts her feelings so I'll just keep that to myself.

I guess there's always tomorrow. I am getting more accomplished in a day, so maybe just the motivation was needed. I'll try to post more this afternoon about our Foster Parent classes on Tuesday and some other new things we're considering.

Getting (Back) Into the Groove

Today I'm starting a new trend...at least for me. I've decided that I'm not going to continue wonder through my days aimlessly. There have been days that I have felt stuck in the house. Well, not anymore! Today I start a new routine. My pledge to myself is to get up before the kids, take a shower and get things ready to start my day. When the kids get up, I can have breakfast somewhat ready and then we can go do "exciting" things rather than spending all morning getting ready. Exciting for us is: going to the park (weekly) before lunch, maybe going to the indoor play area at the mall, going to the Children's Museum, etc. In the past, I haven't been rolling out of bed until the twins wake up at about 8:00. Then, I'd stumble to the kitchen , throw something together for breakfast, drink a cup of coffee and eventually take a shower sometime before noon.

I've vowed to be flexible within my new plan, which includes:

Wake up before 7:30 and take a shower, drink my coffee. etc. Then have some of the following activities sprinkled throughout the week:

Monday and Wednesday (and possibly Thursday) Mornings: Pre-school with Elizabeth
Tuesday mornings: Playgroup with friends
Friday mornings: Elizabeth to gymnastics

Afternoon activities will be as normal including playtime outside, going to run "errands" and such. I'm hoping my new plan will be a success. I am NOT a morning person and this is why I've struggled in the past. However, I'm hoping that God will give me a burst of encouragement to at least attempt my new pledge.

I know this sounds bizarre to some of you b/c who isn't up by 8:00 w/ a shower and ready to start the day? I thought this morning while in the shower that in my previous life (pre-kids) I was AT WORK by 7:30 (yes, I showered, had coffee and was awake). I can't remember what that was like, but if I could do it then, I can certainly do it now. Wish me luck...

Never Good Enough or Perfection In The Making?

Warning: This section is NOT meant as a post to bash or belittle my father(s), merely my reflections about my own readings.

As I've mentioned previously, I've been reading the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge and all I can say is "WOW!" I think they wrote it just for me. If you have not had the opportunity to read or hear of this book, I would certainly check it out at your local library. God has used it to reveal to me so much about my past and my father(s) that I have never understood before. I'm currently on Chapter six and it is asking me to forgive all the people that have wounded me and caused me to have scars. That's a pretty major undertaking for me. I have countless scars on top of scars that I have chosen to cover up and not deal with. The Eldredges say that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. First you forgive, then later the feeling of forgiveness comes. I want my choice to forgive to be whole-hearted (not just, ok I forgive you b/c I'm suppose to), so I am continuing to pray over this as I read.

Next, they address the correlation between your relationship with your earthly father to how you view our Heavenly Father. For me, this was profound. I had heard this before, but hearing it from another woman, in the SAME WORDS I felt, shook me. Here's an excerpt from the book and I totally identify with these words...(again, this is NOT a bashing session)..

I was looking at my heavenly Father through the lenses of my experiences with my own father. And for me, that meant my heavenly Father was distant, aloof, unavailable, hard to please, easily disappointed, quick to anger and often hard to predict. True, I wanted to please him. But since God the Father was, to me, hard to fathom and not especially inviting, my relationship with God centered on my relationship with his Son. Jesus liked me. I wasn't so sure about his dad. (Captivating, p. 106-107)


Wow! Can I just say that I feel the EXACT same way? I mean, I'd never considered that before, that I based my relationship with God on my relationship with Jesus, because I saw Jesus differently.

I haven't read past this paragraph, because I just keep reading those words over and over and over again. I am so amazed that God is using this to reveal to me that he is IS loving, nurturing and in all aspects of the word a Father.

Just so you know, both of my fathers, biological and step, are good men. However, my relationship with my "real" dad is strained and has been for many years. My relationship with my step-dad is good, but started off rocky (I was 12 when he married my mom). Both of them, I do believe, would die for me. I do have many scars because of past things and I am praying for the guidance that only God can give on how to handle, proceed and carry on a healthy, loving relationship with both men.

When To Move?

As a Christian, you'd think that I would know when God speaks. I mean, I know the obvious stuff, who can't tell that? It's the more complex things that I struggle with. When I have several good options, but I want to choose the BEST. I know that any of the choices would be pleasing to God, but I want to make him absolutely delighted. I've been reading the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldgridge and I am beginning to understand my heavenly Father more and more. I also read a little of Erwin McManus' book Chasing Daylight where he spoke a lot about choices. Here's the conclusion I've come to after reading only a small portion of each of these books.

1) My heavenly Father loves me immensely. I'm not saying that I didn't know this before these books, but because of the strained relationship that I have with my earthly father, I often forget that God sees me is as His child. Not just some ordinary person. Wow! That still amazes me. The same way I'd die for my kids, is exactly how He felt when Christ died for me. I forget that so quickly.

2) I think that God will be delighted in my choice if the process I take to make the choice strengthens my relationship with Him. For example, if I spend more time in prayer, more time in scripture and more time seeking Godly council, all the while focusing on Him (even when I'm going about my daily grind), then he takes delight in the process. Yes, DELIGHT.

Isn't that what we all ultimately want? Someone to say, "Wow, you're amazing. I DELIGHT in YOU!" I know that's what I want. To think that my heavenly Father is saying that about lil 'ol me, just takes my breath away.

So now back to choices and when to move. The point that I have discovered for me is that I must simply pray, read, discuss and MOVE! Just do something! Just make a stinkin' decision and go for it! If it is obviously of God, would make Him happy, doesn't contradict scripture and is for His joy and glory then for pete's sake...GO.

So now, I move. If I step in the wrong direction, I'm sure He'll correct me. The only fear I have is how fast I'm gonna get there....because sometimes the choices are sacrifices, that bring joy along with pain. More on that later.

Juice-aholics, "Cookie" Crumbs and Sippys That Go "Boom!"

You know, I'm a pretty laid back person, generally speaking. With 3 kids, I really have no choice. However, as I sit here, writing this blog, listening to my twins (20 months old) behind me, strapped into their booster seats screaming "Choo-Choo!" while destroying their Graham Cracker "cookies" I think that I'm being tested. Even just as I typed that, I had to stop and clean chewed-up, then spit out cracker off of Ashlee's shirt. I have very few things (okay, maybe a dozen or so) things that seem to annoy the crap out of me and why O Lord do my kids know exactly what they are? Here are some I am currently experiencing:

1) Totally crumbled Graham Crackers wiped all over the table and now being pushed onto the floor.

2) Lucas screaming at the top of his lungs "Ush-Ush" (Juice, Juice) because I'm an evil mother and will not allow him to have another sippy of apple juice. Instead he is being FORCED to drink water.

3) Lastly, and probably the most annoying thing my children (the twins) do: The sound of sippy cup being thrown, pushed or slid onto the floor makes my skin crawl. I am so tired of food, sippys, and anything within arm span being shoved onto the floor. Picture them using their arms as little windshield wipers, back and forth, back and forth across the table, until everything in their reach is gone. Then they scream for whatever they've scattered/thrown.

I am running on little sleep today and I know that doesn't help matters. It is times like this that I pray for grace. I quit praying for patience a long time ago. When I prayed that, God gave me more ways to practice patience ;). So, I pray for grace, and think about Tricia, Nate and Gwyneth (see side link) and know that these little people are the greatest blessings of my life, salvation aside. Now, if only I could pray away messes...

Here is a picture of Ashlee after giving herself a "chinese tattoo." Of course, she was simply coloring, and it only made sense to stick ALL of the markers down her shirt. Good thing they're washable...the kids and the markers!

Sick Kids Are No Fun

So my kids have been sick on and off for about 2 weeks. First, we had the stomach bug with all its vomity goodness. That made it through Elizabeth and Lucas. Fortunately, Ashlee was spared. Then, it's the croup. Again, 1st Elizabeth, then Ashlee, then back to Elizabeth. Now, she's laying in our bed, pitiful, running a fever and I feel helpless. Fortunately, Lucas has been spared from the croup. I'm thinking it's because I've kept him pretty well doped up since the slightest bit of congestion makes his asthma flare up. Like I told a friend this morning, my kids don't get sick for months, literally months, then BAM! We're sick for 2 weeks straight. Ashlee's nose is draining down onto her upper lip again so I'd better get the "snot-sucker" a kleenex and head her way....

Cleanliness is overrated

I love a clean house. Rarely do I have one, but I love it. I love the feeling of walking through a room, not having to stop to pick a tissue, out of place toy, random shoe, underwear or other such item. I love the smell and the way it relaxes me. It's a joy, and I indulge in it. Therefore, when I get to have the euphoric high of a clean house, nothing irritates me more than finding something little that I skipped over.

For example, just this week I swept, mopped and wiped of every surface in my kitchen. I stepped back to take a look at my masterpiece and smiled. I turned to walk away and CRUNCH. Immediately my heart sank. "Why" I wondered. Seriously, where did the mysterious crunchy object (that haphazardly ended up in the CENTER of the kitchen) come from? Seriously, I was in awe at how this tiny object had not been seen by my meticulous vision. Craziness or a conspiracy, I'm still trying to figure it out!

(This is NOT a photo of my kitchen...it's too messy!)

Toddler Talk Revealed

All mothers have the ability to understand semi-clearly what their own toddler is saying. Although undecipherable to virtually everyone else, this jibberish makes complete sense to the mother of said toddler. Here are some of my favorites, from my own kids:

First, here are the ones that even a stranger could understand.
They include:

"NO! NO! NO!"
"PooPoo!"
"ByeBye"
"Mommy"
"Daddy"
"Thank You!"

Here are the ones that require true, parent insight:

"Croutch" - the pocket on the tummy of a Kangaroo, courtesy of my 3 1/2 year old
"Chuckie" - Cookie
"MoeMoe" - More
"Jush" - Juice
"Shoo" - Shoes
"NihNih" - Night Night
"BaabBaab" - Clap Clap
"Aaaasheee, Weawwdu?"- Ashlee, Where are you?, spoken by my son anytime his twin sister is out of his eyesight
"Bubbie do!" - Bubba did it! Spoken by my youngest daughter when she tattles on her brother
"Nnnnack!" - Snack
"Pish" - Fish, as in Goldfish snacks
"Beebees" - Baby
"Beebees" - Brinkley (our dog)
"BeeBees" - Bear Bear, my youngest daughter's "Lovey" a Blue Bear
"Bubbies" - Bubba, what my youngest daughter calls her twin brother

My all time favorite (to date) of mine is my youngest daughter, Ashlee, saying the name of each person in our family. I say them first and she repeats. It goes something like this:

Mommy: "Ashlee, say Mommy."
Ashlee: "MeeMee"
M: "Say Daddy."
A: "Daddy."
M: "Elizabeth."
A: "Buzzie" or "MeMe."
M: "MeMe"
A: "MeMe"
M: "PawPaw."
A: "PawPaw."
M: "Say, Lucas."
A: "Bubbie!"

Never, not once has she actually said "Lucas!"

If you have never been around a toddler or toddlers enough to be fortunate enough to decipher jibberish, I hope this gives you some insight. It is delightful, frustrating, hysterical, nerve-wracking and joyful all bundled into one. Lucky for us, we use sign language as well. Otherwise, the "BeeBees" could pose a serious threat!

Recent thoughts about life, love and God

On Friday night, I surprised my husband by showing up at his work (alone) and had planned a "date night." Awww.....I know, the tenderness makes your heart flutter, doesn't it? Anyway, we had an awesome time eating dinner, talking about "grown-up" stuff (or at least as grown-up as we get), not being interrupted by kids. We ate slowly, then had some time to kill before the movie started (which, by the way, National Treasure 2 is SUPER!). We walked around the mall, just being together and goofing off. It was nice.

On the way home, I was listening to some country music. I usually listen to contemporary Christian, but couldn't find anything good on and changed the station. I came across a song that I really like and have listened to many times. It was "Don't Blink" by Kenny Chesney. In the song, for those of you who hate country music, he sees an old man being interviewed on t.v. for turning 102 years old. The reporter asks the old man what's the secret to life and the old man tells him "don't blink" because life goes by faster than you'd think. During the chorus of the song, he tells about growing from 6 to 25 to parenthood to grand-parenthood to lying in bed with your spouse of 50+ years and praying that God takes you instead of her/him.

The whole song is very sweet. However, being a believer in Jesus Christ, I have some personal opinions about the last sentences in the chorus, where he references asking God to let you die rather than your spouse.

From the outside looking in, this is meant as some sort of sacrifice that is being made for you most beloved. Asking God to allow you to die, rather than taking your loved one's life. I understand the concept, but I see these sentences in a different light.

When Jesus died on the cross and then rose from the dead, He paid the price for my sins by conquering death. Therefore, death is no longer permanent, but merely temporary for those who believe in Him. Believers in Jesus do not have to "worry" about dying. Earthly death isn't the end, it's simply the beginning of an eternity much more amazing than my human brain can understand. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to die. I want to live as long as God desires. However, the last sentences in this song make me reflect on what I know to be true about the God I love and worship.

When my husband and I have experienced life. When we have watched our kids grow into adults, witnessed their graduations and weddings, seen the eyes of our newborn grandchildren and been married 50+ years, I will hope that we both have grown tremendously in our faith. I pray that we will understand our God more deeply. Therefore, if we are both old and our Earthly bodies are beginning to fail and, as the song says, "the next thing ya know, you're better half is there in bed and you're praying God takes you instead" I pray my prayer won't be for God to "take me instead."

My reasoning in not wishing to die in my husband's place is simple. I know that my husband would be in a place where there is no pain, and joy is abundant. He would be in heaven with Our Savior, and praising the God of creation. All the while, I would be the one to endure the pain of loss and any and all suffering here on Earth.

Again, do not misunderstand, I do not wish for my husband to die. But, if given the chance to let him die or me, I'd chose him. I know that he believes in a powerful Savior. I know he loves the Lord with all his heart and desperately wants to please Him. I know, that when he's gone, he'll be in a better place. I would will that for anyone I love and care about. I think that this song's intended purpose is based on the same emotion I am feeling, but the difference is vantage point. The guy in the song wants the best for his spouse. So do I. The contrast is your outlook on eternity. I believe, whole-heartedly, that if my husband were to die tonight, that he would open his eyes in heaven. To spend his days in a place of perfection is the ultimate blessing. If I had the chance to trade places with my husband, and let him die and allow me to stay behind and suffer, I'd swap in a heartbeat. I think that is meaning of love and the truest sacrifice I could make for the one that I love dearest.