Homeschool Blog

My BFF, Amanda, and I are both venturing into the unknown (at least for us) and beginning to homeschool our children.

Luckily for us, our children are still pre-schoolers, due to begin Kindergarten in a year. That means that we have a few years of polishing our skills before we cause any permanent damage to our little ones (just kidding).

Anyway, we jointly are writing a blog about family, homeschooling, etc. If you have time, and if reading about homeschooling won't bore you to tears, check it out at:

http://nothing2prove.blogspot.com/

Elizabeth's Presentation

Part of Classical Conversations is having presentation time each week. For the 4 year olds I tutor, this is basically just show and tell.

The last 3 weeks I have been a bad homeschool mom and we have not had a prepared presentation. The first week of class I could have had Elizabeth prepared, ready to be the example for the other students.

I did not.


The second week, we were walking out the door at 8:15am and I remembered that presentations were due. Elizabeth grabbed a pull along dog toy. She modeled her expert skill in dog pulling, all on a moment's notice.

I had to give her props for ingenuity.


The next week, we were (no lie) unloading the van to go into the church for Classical when I remembered her presentation.

"Elizabeth! Quick! Come choose something from the van for your presentation."

Once more, I am a rock star homeschool mom. Try to hold your applause.

She chose a blue elephant from the circus we attended last year. Yes, it was a monumental presentation. Complete with a story about her favorite blue elephant.

This week, we finally hit the target. Since we went to court this morning, I took the time to help her prepare an actual presentation for today. I mean, I had to save face for the sub!

Here is our practice run last night. If you can look past the fact she's in her undies, Lucas' boy outburst and Ashlee's fit, you might see an actual presentation somewhere in there.


Wanna know what she was reading? Her notes of course! Yes, those are my artistic skills. Do not judge me.

Oh yeah! Who gets the blue ribbon for Mom of the week? You're lookin' at her...er, reading her. The moments where I actually FEEL successful as a mother are few and far between. This one, I'm savoring.

Oh yeah, pass it over, pass it over and watch me pin it on...

Court Update

Today wasn't so bad. We were done by lunchtime, which I'm told is rare. Basically, the judge gave the birth parents 3 more months to get their act together. We go back to court on December 15th. Guess we'll see what unfolds between now and then. Right now, I have peace.

I must say, though, I really liked the judge today. The last time we went to court, the judge hardly paid attention. Today's judge, The Honorable Carlton Terry (if you live near here and vote) was great! He was into each case being heard and even ruled for termination of parental rights in two of the cases we saw. Both were warranted cases where the birth parents had been given plenty of time to get their acts together and had failed, miserably. At one point, he told a birth mom that they were moving toward termination. He told her it was not set in stone yet, but in the next three months she needed to

"Put up or shut up." If she wanted her child back.

Luke and I both were impressed with his genuine concern and demeanor. The last judge we saw hardly made eye contact with anyone and often, didn't even respond to the questions/statements of the attorneys.

Thanks for your prayers today. I appreciate them more than you could ever know.

Court Today

I'm scheduling this to post about the time Luke and I will arrive at Family Court. We will, once more, be face to face with the birth parents.

We should be in court right now hopefully being the first case heard. The thing with court is that you show up at 9:30am and then just sit and wait for your case to be called. It might be first, or it might be the last one at 5:00pm. You just never know.

I don't expect anything to change with Baby D's case. Basically, it's just a review to show the judge how much the birth parents have (or have not) done. Please be praying for my anxious heart to be calm, for God's will to be done and for Luke and I to have the desires of God.

To read about the last time we were in court, click here.

Thanks so much. I'll update when I can and let you know how it went.

Glimpses

Seven years ago I was a senior in college. Our country was freshly grieving the losses of September 11th. Patriotism was evident on every car, every flagpole and in every American heart. My family had just buried my Great Uncle Vaughn.

I remember that time in my life very well. I had just broken up with this other guy I was dating and Luke and I were trying to figure out what we were going to do with our relationship.

Luke and I had been dating since my sophomore year in college. However, when he graduated and moved to Memphis, complications from a prior relationship of his put a serious strain on me. I had broken up with him in June-ish and started dated someone else that summer.

Then, unexpectedly, my Uncle Vaughn was killed. He died on September 9th. I left college and traveled the 60 miles back to my hometown. I called Luke on the way to tell him that I was hurting. He knew my family well. I needed him. This new guy wouldn't know anyone and a funeral is not a place to introduce a new person. Luke came immediately.

My life was so upside down. I vaguely knew Jesus. I had heard about him in Sunday School when I was a kid, and when my Mom dragged me to church on Sundays during the summer. He wasn't a real person. He was a story.

There have been days that I have begged for God to give me a glimpse of the future. I pray that He will let me see what is in store for us. I pray for just a taste, a small picture of what our life will be like in 6 months, 12 months, 5 years. Although He speaks clearly, He never gives me those pictures I beg for. Now, I think I know why.

You see, 7 years ago if God had shown me my life today I wouldn't have believed Him. I wouldn't have understood. I would have counted God as a liar.

How could someone go from so broken, so shallow, and so empty to what I am now? Sure, I still have my days of self-pity, selfishness and just sheer sinfulness. However, my life is different. My heart is different. There's no way the me of 7 years ago, would have believed my life of today.

Then I was broken. Now I'm restored. Then I was dirty. Now I am clean. That boyfriend who caused me so much pain, is now a husband who honors me, loves me and reminds me daily who I want to be. The burdens of school and job searching have been replaced with a purpose beyond all understanding. The triviality of the day to day has been replaced with a focus on eternity.

The desperate desire I had for freedom now knows true freedom.

I remember so clearly wanting to know, wanting to see what my future held. I wanted a small taste, a picture of my future. Now I know, that had God granted me my wish, I would have never believed.

I needed each event in my life to lead me to Him. I needed the pain, the distance, the sadness, the death to show me where He was. I needed the journey.

These last few days I've been thinking a lot about what our life will be like in a few years. I wonder if Baby D will really be ours. I wonder what life will be like when our current 4 are TEENAGERS in our home.

I used to ask God for a glimpse of the future, now I know why that would never work.

There is no way I would ever believe the blessings He has in store for me.

There is no way I could understand the new passions, complexities and desires He will place in me. There is no way I could grasp the new me without going through the growing processes to get me there.

When I think about my future, instead of looking at it in wonder I now see it with excitement. I cannot wait to see the blessings God will pour out.

I know that my road will be marked with suffering, sadness, tears and emotion. I also know that I am not traveling alone. As these thoughts have rolled through my mind these last few days, First Corinthians Chapter 2 flows with them. Specifically verse 9:

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined
what God has prepared for those who love him.”
(a reference to Isaiah 64:4)

I truly know that God has prepared things for me that my mind, ears and eyes could never understand. I stand in awe knowing that the Creator of the universe cares enough about me to shape and mold me into the daughter He has created me to be.

As I eagerly anticipate the new blessings, I pray that as they come I will see them in all forms.

Sadness, grief, loss, joy, happiness, laughter and pain.

I pray that God gives me eyes to see and ears to hear all of the blessings He has in store. I may not know the days before me, but I know the One who has counted them, blessed them and ordained them.

Who needs a glimpse of the future when you're staring at that?

FWD: Emails

This will be a ranting post. If you don't like rants, stop now.

I HATE forwards. Okay, hate is a strong word, but I really, really don't like them. If you send me forwards on the regular take this as your hint to STOP.

Why are some people forward junkies? I mean, an occasional good forward can be sometimes warranted..sometimes. However, I have people, (in my email contact list) that feel the need to forward me everything they've ever received.

It's as if they really believe I've never gotten that same email from another forward junkie. Seriously, you can quit now.

I half expect to get their online bank statement or power bill. Yes, it's that bad.

So, I have complied this list for you to test yourself and see if you are, in fact, a forward junkie.

Here goes....

10. You have a "group" in your email address book that you use to send the majority of your emails. Emailing in bulk on a regular basis should never happen.

9. You are on at least 2 or more daily email lists. By these I mean, a joke of the day, daily devotional, cheery thoughts to live by, etc. Those in and of themselves are not bad, but here's the kicker: YOU FEEL THE NEED TO SEND ALL OF THEM TO THE GROUP MENTIONED IN #10.

If I wanted to be on the email list, I'd sign myself up. Thanks anyway.

8. You think that all of the forwards you receive are meant to be "shared" and/or are the funniest/scariest/craziest (insert any other adjective) thing you've ever read.

7. You REALLY believe that if you deny Jesus by not forwarding this email on, you will burn in hell.

6. You are awaiting your check from Bill Gates, Microsoft corporation and/or AOL for the 1,000 emails you sent on their behalf that they are tracking.

5. You think that written email word is truth and you feel it necessary to share the truth to those you know, regardless that you've have not checked into these truths for yourself. Try www.snopes.com. It's good stuff.

4. You have 6 copies of the same forward in your own email box.

3. You refuse to eat or serve your children Pop Rocks, even if you purchased them yourself. You can never be too careful about people slipping meth into the pop rocks at Walmart.

2. You know Ashley Flores by name and look for her in public places.

1. You get more offers for Viagra than you could possibly count. You see, the thing is, when your are a habitual forwarder, you usually rope yourself into getting more and more junk mail, thus placing yourself on almost every bulk email listing service known to man. Every bulk email mailing list sells Viagra by the pallet to the general public. Something here is not on the up and up (sorry, I couldn't resist).

Hopefully, you have looked at the above list and evaluated your impulse to forward. I am not saying that I do not enjoy an occasional joke or forwarded email. However, if you send more than 1 forward per calendar quarter, chances are I'm not even opening it. That's right, straight to the trash bin.

Save your fingers and reduce your risk of carpel tunnel syndrome and stop. I'd much rather hear from your personally.

And no, forwards do NOT count as "Staying in touch."

You're Invited!!

(click to enlarge)

http://motherbabyfoundation.org

Threads

I really have 1,000 things I need to be doing instead, but I wanted to offer this to you all because it's been on my mind and heart so much recently.

As I look at my life, I see the connections I have to the people around me. Sometimes I wonder,

"If I didn't have _______(insert: church, motherhood, college) in common with this person, would we still friends?"

Most of the time the answer is no.

However, as I think about the way that my life is so delicately woven together with the people that I love to call my friends, I just have to give God so much glory. Just as He knew every detail of my body as He knit me together in my mother's womb, He also knew the details of my life. He knew the passions He placed within my heart and how those desires and abilities would knit me together with others who share that love.

How do I know this? Because scripture claims it to be true.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:13-16

How completely marvelous is it that the One who created me, knew and ordained the days before me!! As I have went to through the last few days, I have thought about the things that make me who I am. Those same things that knit me together with the people I consider closest to my heart. I can see in my mind, a single thread penetrating my heart and theirs, tying us together, truly knitting our lives as one. Here are just a few:

Follower of Christ

Mother

Mother of twins

Foster/Adoptive Mom

Daughter

Lyon (College) Graduate

Volleyball player

Wife

Southerner

Although many of these things seem so common, others are rare. With many of these things, I can feel a bond with another person simply because we have the same experiences, the same goals or the same emotions. Most times, these threads are obvious.

When I encounter other mothers who have twins, we instantly know that we "get" each other. Twins are an experience like no other. Sleepless nights, endless feedings and the joy that only comes in pairs, that is our common thread.

When I meet another Believer, I know that they understand the road I travel. A road that desires to be close with our Lord, yet is marked with bumps, rocks, hardships, unspeakable joy and even tears. Christ is our common thread.

When I think about the friendships I made in college, I know that those bonds will always go with me. Some of them have faded, while others have gained strength. I have a friend, Dee. She and I were just casual friends in college, almost friends by default because we had the same circle of friends. More than 5 years and 6 kids (4 of which are mine) later, our friendship is stronger than I could have ever imagined! We haven't seen each other face to face in over 4 years. Yet each time we talk, we are stronger. Once our common thread was college, but as that one seems to fade more are found. Now we are bound by the threads of motherhood, Christ and wife.

As I think about the reasons God has woven me together with each of the people in my life, my mind's eye sees a tapestry. This tapestry is my life. In some areas the threads are strong, in other areas they are frail, weak and fading. I run my fingers across the threads that are fading and frail then over the ones that are bold and strong. I ask God,

"Why? Why each of these things? Why did I suffer here? What was Your purpose there?"

I want my tapestry to glorify God. I want people to see the fabric of my life as a reflection of the cross. I want my threads to be bold for Him.

As I look at my life, I see that there are still loose strands around the edges. These are yet to be assigned to a specific area of my life. I wonder what God has in store and to whom these threads will be attached. My prayer is that God will use these loose ends to weave people into my life so that they may come to know Him.

I pray that the areas of my life that are already frail and fading will be used to show others His redeeming power.

My tapestry is not elaborate. There aren't many threads of gold or silk. But God ordained my life before I drew my first breath, before my heart beat a single time. He knew the days ahead of me. Mine is like no other, just as yours is unique as well.

My prayer, for you and for me, is that we cherish each and every thread God has blessed us with. We use them to forge friendships that might not otherwise exist. We use them to glorify Him and ultimately, show others the love that only a Savior can provide.

I praise God for the people in my life. People I speak with daily, and those that I haven't seen or heard from in years. Each of them added length to my threads and helped weave me into the person I am today. God is using my loose ends and tying me to the people who He created with the same intricacies, the same loves, the same passions. I pray that I will be used. I pray I will be bold. Above all, I pray that I will glorify Him.

Pearly Whites

Here are some pics from yesterday's trip to the dentist. I forgot my camera (go figure) so these were taken with my phone. Terrible quality, but you get the idea.

Lucas and Ashlee were SO BIG. The hygienist and the dentist both said they couldn't believe how well they did.

They each picked out a rubber frog as a prize, but only after MUCH deliberation.

It was so much fun and I am so proud of them for being so good!

Ashlee went first because she's fearless and we knew Lucas would need some warming up

I LOVE our pediatric dentist because they cater to them so much. They give them cool sunglasses to wear and even put a pillow under their legs for comfort. It's precious!

Lucas' turn!

Say "Aaaaahhhh!"

Peacefully Humbled

I cannot thank you all enough for the prayers that you offered up on our behalf. I can say that I felt them throughout the morning.

God is so amazing. 6 months ago I took the twins to their first dental visit for a routine cleaning. At that time I scheduled their next visit, 6 months later. Their visit was this morning at 11am. Why am I telling you this? Because it shows, so perfectly, how God controls all things.

6 months ago it was March 17th. We had just started our foster parent classes and foster care was just something we were looking into. Neither Luke nor I were completely sold on this whole thing. I arbitrarily scheduled their appointment on September 17th, a date with no significance (at least at that time).

God knew then what today would hold. He knew that today would be a day that I needed distractions. God knew I'd need to be busy and busy I was! This morning was consumed with getting people fed, dressed and loaded in the car. Then, I dropped Baby D off at my mom's house and Elizabeth off at Nana's. We made it to the dentist just in time for our appointment.

After 1.5 hours at the dentist, I rushed out of the office and home so that I could make it to the agency review on time.

I had no time to think about the upcoming meeting, except in brief flashes.

It wasn't until Luke and I were in the car, on our way, that the knots in my stomach made themselves known. As Luke drove, we grasped hands and I prayed aloud for God to bring us peace, to give us the words to speak and, most importantly, for His will to be done.

The knots subsided.

As we entered the building where the meeting would take place, I felt assured. I felt calm. I felt peace.

We entered the room and found the social worker, the mediator and the birth parents waiting.

I felt Him. He was there, just as He had said He would be.

As I sat down and watched as birth mom took Baby D in her arms, I felt peace. My heart did not race, I did not get emotional.

As we talked through the case plan, and new information was revealed to us, I felt calm.

Only once did my heart begin to pound, but after a quick pleading with my Lord, I was calmed.

Luke and I asked questions, good ones. We made sure that we understood each and every step that the birth parents would have to make before reunification would occur. We asked about prior criminal charges and discussed current case plan status.

All of it was said with such ease and peace. I have dealt with anxiety for some time now, but God so richly provided this morning. He so blessedly calmed my ever anxious heart.

At the end, the mediator asked Luke and I if we had any further questions or comments. Luke commented that Baby D was growing well and developmentally was on track. Then, it was my turn.

As these words flowed out of my mouth, I know my Creator gave me confidence, peace and clarity. I looked the birth parents in the eye and said,

"I want you to know that it is my deepest desire for you to get your life together and have your child back. It is not my intention to steal your baby. However, if you cannot do what it takes to make your lives right, I will fight tooth and nail to make sure that he does not return to your unsafe environment. I will fight for him because that is what I would do for my 3 birth children, and I do for him just as I do for them. I consider him my son and I love him as such."

As they sat there and stared at me, I felt a wave of peace flow through me. I know those words were of my heart but I still cannot figure out, for the life of me, how God allowed them to come out in complete sentences, without tears and gasps for air in between.

God is good and today, He was there. Thank you so much for all of the prayers. I felt them this entire morning and I am humbled.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
~ Timothy 1:7

Today

If you read this, and you feel lead, please pray for us today.

We have the DSS meeting from 1-2pm EST. You can read more by clicking here. Luke and I both feel peace about going and Luke told me yesterday that he knew God was already in the room, preparing it for us. I just pray that my mouth will only speak the words that God places within me.

I appreciate your support so much.

Have a wonderful day!

Seeing Clearly Now

I was going to wait and publish this after Wednesday, but the thoughts just won't go away. I am mulling them over and over and over in my mind. Therefore, I knew I needed some blog-therapy. Fair warning now, this WILL be a long post.

To catch you up to speed, last Wednesday I went for Baby D's agency review. You can read about the last agency review by clicking here. Basically, this meeting is just for agency workers to review the case. The birth parents did not show up for the last review, but this time birth dad came. Birth mom was supposedly attending a class that is part of her case plan for reunification.

Anyway, as I was sitting outside the conference room, waiting on the meeting to start, I kept wondering if his birth parents would show up. As the time crept closer and closer, I was starting to think not. Then, I glanced up and saw birth dad. Immediately, my heart began to race. Something about him gives me the creeps. Actually, a lot about him gives me the creeps.

Anyway, he sat next to me and attempted small talk. Usually this is my forte. I mustered out a few comments and he finally asked me how his son was doing. I looked him straight in the eye and said,

"He's doing great."

Finally, we went into the tiny conference room. Public building are notorious for their uninviting chairs, tables and decor. This room was no exception. I made my way down to the furthest chair and sat. With a buffer seat in between, birth dad sat down next to me and then our social worker. Across the table sat 2 women, neither of which introduced themselves, so I can't tell you who they are. I think one is the supervisor for our social worker. This is my second encounter with her (the first was over the phone) and let me tell you that I have been none too impressed by her at either interaction.

The Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) supervisor sat at the end of the table.

The social worker asked birth father if he remembered how an agency review went. No one introduced themself, no one introduced me. No one hardly looked at me. I sat there, shocked that such little effort was made to ensure that everyone knew the protocol. Maybe there isn't a protocol?

Baby D's social worker began to unpack the latest developments in the case plan. She told how the birth parents had completed a portion of the case plan (an insignificant portion at that) and how they were working on a second part, which will require 90 hours of classes.

She proceeded to tell the panel about the latest setbacks in Baby D's case. As she did, I sat and stared at the birth father. I searched his face for any hint of remorse or guilt or shame. I saw none. He sat, with his head down, shaking it almost knowingly, casually acknowledging his mistakes.

Finally, the Guardian Ad Litem supervisor looked at me and asked me how Baby D was doing. He asked me if Baby D needed any intervention or therapy evaluations for developmental delays. I simply replied,

"Compared with my other 3 children, he is right on track. Our pediatrician hasn't seen any need for intervention. He is making eye contact, following sounds and cooing."

At that birth father began throwing in his two cents. He told the panel how Baby D played with his toys at the visits and how well he was doing with growing.

What?!?

I'm sorry, are you pretending to know your child? The child that has been in my care for the last 3 months? The child that you have spent a mere 40 hours with since his birth? My son who I have rocked and fed and changed and loved on for the other 2,120 hours? Surely you can't be!

As the steam began to shoot out of my ears, I hear the supervisor of the social worker begin to chime in.

She says, with the meekest disposition and almost in a whisper,

"Mr. --, It is our understanding that you and your wife desire to bring [Baby D] home with you. I want you to know that this is our desire for you too. We are here, cheering you on. However, the clock is ticking and you have a lot of work to do. You all need to work hard and stay out of trouble so that [Baby D] can come home soon. We will do all we can to help you."

My mind screams. My heart is pounding. She can't be serious.

Birth father mumbles something about working harder and trying to break bad habits. I didn't really hear what he was saying because I think my ears were bleeding.

The meeting is adjourned and as we stand to leave this same supervisor gives birth father one final thought. Still in the same voice she says,

"Now don't hold your head down. You hold your head up as you leave here. It's gonna work out. Okay?"

With that, I am doing all I can trying to get out of that room. If these people don't move, I'll push them over or crawl across the table....anything to get out. Still not acknowledging me, the supervisor sits quietly, as we all exit.

I go an alternate route out of the building to ensure that I do not encounter birth father again, much less have to endure an elevator ride with him. I don't think I would be good at holding my tongue at this point.

The errands that followed and the ride home provided me with enough time to cool off. I'm still processing it all.

Flash forward to Friday. The same social worker comes for a home visit to see Baby D. I like her and feel comfortable talking with her. However, our communication has lacked something to be desired. This meeting made me feel a TON better.

Without going into those pesky details that I am unable to share, I will tell you that I think that the social worker and I see eye to eye on more than I had previously thought. We both feel that it is unsafe for Baby D to return to birth parents as they currently are living. She also assured me that the progress they have made is not significant which is a word that DSS uses to determine whether or not the plan will change from "Reunification" to "Termination of Parental Rights (TPR)." Of course, as for now, reunification is still the goal.

I made sure she understood that I desired for Baby D to return home to his parents IF:

1. They became believers in Christ Jesus and had a complete life change.

2. They completed every last word of their case plan and remained drug free for the duration of his placement.

She agreed with me, at least openly on #2.

Okay, lastly, if you're still reading this...

This Wednesday we have another review. It's a new policy in NC and they bring in an outside mediator or something to review the case. They are unbiased and get only the factual information about what birth parents are suppose to do, what they have already done and any offenses they have made against their case plan.

It will be a rough day. It's scheduled for an hour long and we are suppose to take Baby D. That means I will have to sit there and watch this woman pretend to mother my baby.

I know that God will provide, I know He will bring me through, but right now I feel so bogged down.

---I love how God provides. Here I am writing this blog, focusing on the worst possible scenario and I get a surprise skype from Lindy. With the time difference, I was shocked to get a message from her.

I don't know what it is about her, and her in Africa at that, that brings me out of a funk. Anyway, a few minutes of skype chat with her and I am seeing clearly again. Last week, I cried to her and Joy over web cam. I'm thinking she may quit skyping me if I do not become emotionally stable. Ha! God continues to show me that I can make it thorough all things, I just have to remember where my strength comes from.---

Now, I KNOW I can face Wednesday, although I would still cherish your prayers.

Thank you so much.

Father, why is it that I doubt you? Just when I think I cannot see past the dark, you shine your light on my situation all the way from Africa. Thank you so much for providing people in my life that understand. Thank you for the miracle of friendships that seem to strengthen across miles and oceans and satellite feeds. Thank you for being a sustainer. Thank you for your promises and how you help me to remember them with clarity. You are amazing and I am continually in awe of how You love and care for me, even when I try to make it without you.

Five For Friday

What's the Point?

These thoughts are sparked when I think of The Thompsons and the people in Nairobi who live, day in and day out in the slums.

1. Is fashion really necessary? I mean, when we're dead, is God gonna stand there and say,

"Oh, you had matching shoes and purses for every outfit. Come on in!"

I mean, when it's all said and done, the cost of runway shows and $500 shoes could have been spent somewhere else. Somewhere where people don't have water or food or clothes or....

2. Why do we continue to freak out about the economy? Don't get me wrong, I know it's important to have a country that is economically stable, but we Americans freak out over every little thing. I think I'll start the freak out when our tap water is unsuitable to drink, or a radical group overturns the democracy. Yes, I think about and, on rare occasion, worry about the economy of our country. But freak out? Not so much. Yesterday, on our Christian Radio Station I heard someone talking about what you should do if your bank goes under. The speaker outlined steps to take to see if your bank is in trouble. Seriously?

3. What's the point of declaring a crisis, if it's not REALLY a crisis? Here in NC, gas prices shot over $4.50 in some places (I'm assuming that's true everywhere in the US today). People are FREAKING out. The lines at the pumps are a minimum of 10 cars deep. This is NOT a crisis. The hurricanes that will hit land and destroy homes, lives and possibly kill many people - THAT is a crisis. I find it hard to comprehend how we can stress about gas prices, but not respond after our neighbors loose everything.

4. Is it necessary to get excessively upset over differing political views? Once more, don't get me wrong, I think the election is important, and yes, I want my choice candidate to win. However, when November 5th rolls around, and a new president has been chosen, God will be the same. It won't make a difference if McCain or Obama is president, God will still be God. I sure wish that people (and politicians) could debate and campaign without slinging mud. It would sure make it easier for me to watch debates, speeches and forums.

5. What's the point of a bib? I mean, I see the simple use for it, but if you've ever actually used one on a child you know that their function is only for minor mishaps. None of my 4 children ever grasped the meaning of "minor." Usually, when the bib was removed, the ONLY clean spot was a semi-circle where the bib used to be. The shirt was still dirty and my child was still covered in his/her last meal. Spit up defies the laws of gravity and gets everywhere BUT on a bib. Who invented them anyway? Bet they were laughing all the way to the bank.

The purpose of this isn't to say that I am perfect or that I am not-guilty of doing/thinking/using any of these things. Lately, everything that I see in my life that others view as necessary (and I even think is necessary) I wonder about those people in Kibera. When I let the water run and get hot so that I can wash my hands or my face, I think about how much I just wasted and how many thirsty children I could have just hydrated. It all comes at me so much lately and I often wonder, What's the point?

Just for Grace

I've been telling my friend Grace that I'd post this on my blog. I keep forgetting until she, ever so abrasively, reminds me.

Now, I'm suppose to write tenderness about her....hummmmm

Grace tries to act hard, and I honestly think she really wants to be. However, her teddy bear innards are SCREAMING to be set free. One day, they will win and she will become a bundle of mushy goodness who loves to give hugs and cuddle.

I am amazed so supremely by this group of students who are now freshmen in college. Grace no doubt, is a prime example of the maturity of this group. Going to a large university could pose some challenges for a believer. Grace is taking them in stride, staying true to herself, and most importantly, her Savior. I admire her so much and I truly wish I could have been more like her when I was a freshman in college.

Grace has the phenomenal ability to calm down Baby D in a moments time. When he went through his colic phase, she was basically the bomb-diggaty to him. I call her the Baby Whisperer.

So, here's the video I promised to post. Grace is the one on the left, for those of you who don't know her. Actually, for those of you who do know her, she's still the one on the left.

I love you Grace. Come home soon!



As a side note to those of you who post on youtube: Apparently, whenever you title your video you are inadvertently placed into categories. You'd think a title of "Little Bunny FooFoo" would be harmless, right? Not so much. Thanks GK for changing it so many times so that it would be family friendly.

Normally Prejudice

**If you're going to read this post, you must read the entire thing. Reading it partially, you will certainly miss the point I'm trying to make and probably think I'm a prejudice jerk.**

Today, I get to go and spend some time in a place that always challenges me to evaluate myself, my prejudices and my interactions with others.

I'm not going to a political rally or a revival or even to a self-help conference. Today I get to spend some time at our county's health department.

I will go today to pick up more WIC vouchers for Baby D's formula.

Let me start by saying that my prejudices are not toward the people in general who need this incredible program. When I was pregnant with the twins, Luke and I took advantage of the fact that we qualified for the WIC program. We used and enjoyed our WIC vouchers for almost 10 months until our income became such that we no longer met the qualification requirements. Trust me, if we still qualified, we'd still be utilizing this resource.

And, when I say prejudice I am not speaking of racial assumptions. Yes, like everyone else, I can sometimes struggle to find balance in treating all peoples equally. However, this is not the prejudice I am refering to either.

When I visit our county health department, I find prejudice as a parent. I find prejudice as a citizen. I find prejudice as a tax payer.

Let me start by giving you the definition of prejudice. It may not be what you think. It is not specific to black/white relationships but rather

1.	an unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought, or reason.

2.	any preconceived opinion or feeling, either favorable or unfavorable.

I chose these two definitions because I feel that they encompass the emotions I feel.

As I walk through the doors of the health department I am greeted by no one. The receptionist sits off to the side of the lobby in an uninviting, cold, glass box. You may only speak to her when she takes time out of a pressing assignment to acknowledge your presence.

I make my way upstairs to a familiar waiting room only to be reminded that through out the health department the furniture is cold, hard and unfriendly. I make my way through more doors and down a long hall way so that I can check in.

I am sent back to the waiting room for my name to be called. If my appointment is at 2:00pm (which is the case today) I am not ensured that I will be promptly called at 2 o'clock. Instead, I wait, sometimes in the upwards of an hour.

I am now forming my opinions of this establishment. Why must it be so cold and hard? Why are these workers, though usually friendly, always rushed? Why is this building so....dirty?

As I sit, waiting for my name to be called, I must evaluate more of my prejudices. I see people from all races waiting for their turn. I find myself questioning them and asking myself how they could

1. Not be properly dressed.

• This includes wearing appropriate undergarments. Some women are clearly not addressing the need for "support" if you catch my drift.
  
• Clothing that looks as though it would be more suitable when used at a night club. More specifically a club that caters to gentlemen.
  
• Clothing that has vulgar messages and/or pictures

Let me say that I understand that not all people have access to a washer and dryer. Dirty clothing is understandable. Clothing that give my children a new metal picture that I wasn't ready for them to see it not acceptable. I'm glad that my kids are still non-readers.

2. Allow their kids to

• Crawl on a public floor. It's obviously dirty and their hands show the filth of a publically used building.
• Teethe on a public toy.
• Chew on a public chair.

3. Have little to no self control. The last time I went, I overheard a conversation between two other folks who were waiting. They discussed how angry they were for having to be there so early in the morning. They proceeded to tell each and every person that would listen how pitiful the service was and how terrible it was they had to wait. It was not a complaint made with tact, to the proper person but rather a public assault on the exact program that provided food for their family.

As I watch these interactions and events unfold I am reminded that all people come from somewhere. It is where you came from and what you know that, all too often, determines your social behaviors and your perception of what is acceptable.

I used to teach middle school in a low income school district. It was told to me that anywhere from 80-95% of the students were on Free/Reduced Lunches. This program helps determine the income level of the school district. Ours was one that ranked fairly high in the state when listed in order of poverty.

I loved these children, just as I love all children. The difference was, I truly had a heart for these kids. They took all of me and I gave all freely. It wasn't until I had children of my own that I realized just how much my students needed. It was then I had to make a choice. Who gets my left-overs? My students deserved a teacher that could give without reservation. My children deserved a mom that had fresh energy and excitement end of the day. I could not be both, so I chose my family.

I have so many good stories about my time teaching. Most of them are filled with laughter. However, some are not. I remember making a home visit one of the first weeks I taught. The house was barely fit to live in. There were maybe 11 people living in a 2 bedroom house. There were boards and plastic on the windows. No electricity. I doubt running water.

I kept asking myself, "How is someone living like this when just miles away there are million dollar homes?"

Another student I had....how do I say this tactfully.....became a woman at school. She began her cycle. I gave her a week's supply of sanitary products and explained to her the importance of using and changing them. Midway through the next day, it was obvious that she had not taken hold of the importance of frequent changing. I pulled her into the hall and asked her about it. She told me her mom said you only change it every other day, so you'll have enough. I was floored.

The point in those stories is so I can ask the question,

"What is normal? What is your background? Where do you come from?"

All of us are educated by something. The question is not lack of education but rather knowing where the education was received.

We all live out the customs that we were taught in our homes growing up. As with most of my students, they did what the did because that's what they knew.

These people in the health department do what they do because that's what they know. I will not judge them for their life experiences. I will not place my perceptions of their life on a scale weighing them as less. I say will not because it will need to be a conscious effort. I must remember Christ.

I remember when I was 10 and my mom and I moved to North Carolina after she married my step-dad. It was our first few weeks here and I kept wondering when it would get back to normal. Days and weeks went by and things never went back to normal.

You see, I was waiting for what I knew to be true. In my previous world, my Dad's side of the family was always together. We ate almost every meal with everyone squeezed around my Granny and Paw's table. There were aunts, uncles, cousins. There was lots of laughter and tons of food.

Here in my new life, little of that applied. It was a culture shock. My new family was wonderful, but based on my past education of family, they were weird.

As I head off for a day of reality checks and waiting, I challenge you to respond to the following questions:

What is normal for you and how does it influence your opinion of others? What role does your faith play in your perception of people who are different than you?

Happy Burfday, To My Baby Daddy

Seeing as how I'm slowly loosing my mind, I totally had a temporary memory lapse and forgot to mention in my post yesterday that today is Luke's birthday.

I would go into further detail and tenderness about how wonderful he is, but if you wanna read the mushy stuff click here or here.

Happy Birthday Luke!

Thanks for being my husband and my Baby Daddy!

I love you.

Truest Love

Lately, I've noticed that my husband has been putting forth a lot of effort to keep me happy. Don't get me wrong, he's always been considerate and thoughtful and wonderful, but lately, I've taken special notice. It's the small things like

* Washing bottles
* Sweeping and mopping the floors
* Doing extra laundry
* Telling me I'm beautiful
* Spending extra time just being with me and the kids
* Giving me extra time for me

Luke's always been different than most men. He's always been the type of husband that helps out around the house. He's always been the husband that comes straight in from work, changes his clothes then jumps into helping with the kids. He's always been the man that doesn't mind getting things done.

Lately, I've seen a change though. His nature has been different, his demeanor. Since we got Baby D, I've seen Luke through new eyes. Yes, we've bickered and been short with each other. Yes, there's been times of high stress and little sleep. But through it all, I've seen him continue to be a Godly example for our kids. I see how important it is to him with each of his interactions with our children. It brings tears to my eyes.

Just last night, we were watching TV. After a late snack, Luke gets up to take the chips back into the kitchen. He's gone a little longer than normal, but me, engrossed in TV took little note.

Later, he comes back to bed and tells me that he snuck into Lucas' room and spent some time with him.

You see, Lucas is now alone in his bedroom. Ashlee is now sharing a room with Elizabeth. That way, the girls can have a room and the boys can have a room. However, until Baby D starts sleeping better at night, Lucas is solo in his bedroom. I think he partially loves the quiet but he also misses having Ashlee in there with him. Until now, he and Ashlee have shared a room and their pre-bed and pre-nap conversations were a daily occurrence. We also just upgraded Lucas' bed to a big boy bed (queen size) and he LOVES it. It also makes it easier for us if we need to lay with him at night.

Anyway, when Luke returned to bed he told me how he had went into Lucas' room. He said that he longed to spend time with his son. Just typing that makes my eyes well up with tears. Being a child who feels as if her birth father doesn't desire her, it makes me so emotional to see a father who enjoys being with his kids.

Luke told me that he asked Lucas if he could lay with him and Lucas said, in a whisper,

Yes.

Luke crawled into bed beside him, tucked his arm between the stuffed animals, and placed his hand on Lucas' stomach. He told me how Lucas, who is by far the least cuddly of all 4 of our kids, just laid there and rubbed his Daddy's arm, back and forth, back and forth. I know, in my heart that Lucas needed Daddy time just as much as Luke needed time with his son.

Luke told me that as he sat in the silence, enjoying the moment with his son, he was reminded of how much he misses his own father. Luke's dad lives pretty far away and we usually only see him once a year. Luke remembered how little his father was around during his childhood. Then, he said, he realized how important his role is in regard to our children.

He reminded me how much he wants to be a Godly father for our kids, and how seriously he takes his role in their lives. He expressed just how important it is for him to raise Godly men, as Lucas and D grow up.

I have so many, many reasons to love this man. Just when I think that my heart could hold no more love, God steps out of heaven and into my home, pouring his blessings all over me.

I always thought you fell in love once and that was it. As I grow in my marriage, I realize that true love is love you work for. True love is a choice you make. True love remembers the little things and makes extra efforts. True love means that you love someone, even when you don't always like them. True love is kind, patient, gentle and humble.

True love isn't the number of bottles that get washed or the loads of laundry that get done.

True love is the moments you choose to share with the person you love most. True love is living together, working toward the same goal. True love is a reflection of the Father's love, which is merciful, forgiving and undeserved.

True love means falling in love with the same man over and over and over again and realizing that it never gets old.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

Holy Crap!

My Dad just called and wants me to do a 5K run/walk with him on Saturday. Guess I should probably run/jalk a few times this week! I only jalked once last week, although I must say the desire is still there and for me that's HUGE! I'll probably end up walking most of the 5K, but maybe just being around other people running will be an inspiration.

Don't worry, I won't over-do it (if you wondered that then you don't know me at all). Also, sometimes my Dad can have really great ideas that never come to fruition. Humm....sounds like someone else I know.

Guess we'll see...

Praying for Them

I've prayed and thought a lot about my emotions with yesterday's news concerning Baby D. Here's what I've come up with:

I don't want D to ever look back at his life and ask himself (or anyone else)

Why wouldn't my birth parents fight for me? Why wasn't I good enough?

I've asked myself these questions throughout my life and it's heartbreaking what these thoughts, these emotions and Satan's lies can do to your spirit. I think the reason I'm so angry with his birth parents is because one day, regardless of his final forever home, he'll have these questions surface and the emotion tied to them will cut his heart and leave scars. I never want him to feel that pain. Now, he will.

With that said, I've decided that I am going to take 10 minutes of each of my days this weekend (Friday, Saturday and Sunday) and pray specifically for D's birth parents. I ask you, that if God impresses it upon your heart, that you would join me.

I ask specifically that if you feel lead, to pray that they would be drawn to our Creator. That his birth parents would feel the love of the Father, the redeeming power of the Savior and the joy in a new life with Him.

Part of me doesn't want to post this because I know prayer works. I know that if I ask all of you to pray, and if you do, God may answer my request. With that, it may mean that they get their lives back together and he may return to them. However, I know that my God is big. I know that His love is endless and I know that I will never be able to begin loving these people if I do not submit to His desire. For now, I feel His desire is for me to pray for them.

I must put my own selfish desires aside and pray. Ultimately, my heart would forever rejoice if two more people joined the kingdom of God.

So, if you feel called, please offer up prayer on behalf of Baby D's birth parents, J and M. I appreciate you all so much and I know that, regardless of the final outcome, God is good, His power is mighty and His love forever faithful.

Thank you so much.

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
~ Zephaniah 3:17

Father, my God~
I am so unworthy of your love, your redemptive grace and your mercy. Father, you truly know the desires of my heart when it comes to Baby D's forever home. However Lord, I will be obedient to you. You have placed in my heart an ache for D's mother. You have offered to me a Savior worthy of nothing I can give. Lord God, reach into their lives, make their hearts receptive and their souls willing. Lord speak to them, just as you spoke to me almost 6 years ago. Draw them into your love and help them to see that a life in you is the only life worth living.

Lord, these prayers may bring consequences that I do not want to face. But God, I know that you are bigger than my broken heart and, Lord God, if it's your desire to return D to his birth parents, Father you will heal me and draw me to you, providing me the peace that only you can bring. Father, I love and praise you and ask in Jesus' name that you reach these people for your kingdom. Thank you for my salvation. I love you. Amen.

Tearfully Groaning

I got an email today from Baby D's social worker. She had a visit with the birth parents last Friday. I know I've said it a thousand times, but I will say it once more, I cannot go into details.

I received a lot of new news today. News that I cannot decide what to make of. Part of me leaps for joy while another part mourns the failure of the birth parents once more. Not too long ago, I professed to someone that I wasn't a crier. Well, I think it's safe to say that I am eating my own words.

Since we got Baby D, I have cried more than all the past 5 years combined. Today is no exception. I have no idea how to feel. Should I rejoice in their failure because that means more possibility of him being ours forever? Or, do I weep for this mother because I see the opportunity she's missing? My soul just can't make sense of it all.

I humble myself before God and ask for Him to restore them. Draw them to Him, make them clean. At the same time, I pray for swiftness and boldness with the courts. I pray that the judge would see them in all of their mess ups and allow him to be our boy, forever. My heart is so torn, my thoughts too jumbled.

I used to have this verse taped on the window above my kitchen sink. I knew that I was looking at it daily for a reason. At the time, it only applied to me in itsy-bitsy situations. Over the last 3 months, it has been the anthem of my Spirit:

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
~ Romans 8:26-27, The Message

Lord God! I am so tired of waiting. I love this child so very much. Most days, I look at him and forget he's not really mine. I know your Spirit is along side me Lord, helping me through this raging sea of emotions. I don't know what to say to you God. I don't know what to feel. Let your Spirit intercede. Bring your mercy to me and allow me the comfort that you so richly provide. As my Spirit groans oh God, hear the desires of my heart. Make me feel the love for these people as you feel love for them. Keep my sweet baby safe Lord, out of harm. I know that all things work together for your glory Lord, but I'm struggling to see the purpose now. Keep me before you God, keep me drawn to your unfailing love. Make these details of my life sing and dance together for your love, your will and your purpose. Amen.

More Than Bricks

Dictionary.com defines church as "a building for public Christian worship" (plus about 14 other definitions).

However, I know that church isn't a building but rather the people who fill it. I am so incredibly blessed to attend and be a part of an amazing church. Initially, Luke and I were attracted to Rich Fork because of the former pastor. He had such a way of expressing deep Biblical truths but with an air of ease so that new believers (or even non-believers) could understand and seasoned believers felt challenged. When he announced that he was stepping down as pastor, my heart sank. He was the biggest reason we'd chosen that church. What if the new guy sucked?

Let me take you back to April of 2002. Luke had moved to North Carolina to start working for my step-dad as a traveling furniture rep. I was still in Arkansas, finishing up my senior year of college. On May 4, 2002 I graduated and loaded up everything I owned and moved. It was the best move of my life. I was engaged to a wonderful man and moving into a fresh start. Luke and I had started to meddle in scripture and prayer but I was, by no means, a believer.

We had regular pity parties because we had no friends in our new town. We spent a lot of time hanging out with my parents and their friends. They were great but they weren't our friends. We bought a house in June of 2002 and I moved in while Luke continued living with my parents (yes, that's right). We were married in December of 2002 and quickly found some friends that we loved to hang out with. However, due to some outside circumstances, we once again found ourselves friendless. That's when we aimlessly wandered into the doors of Rich Fork.

Luke and I met the Madisons in our Rich Fork 101 class sometime in the Spring of 2003. Little did we know that they would continue to be close confidants and a connection to the most amazing group of friends. They invited us to their Sunday School class and Luke and I quickly realized that we had found a group of people to fill the void of our college friendships. God was graciously providing. I gave my life to Christ and found that these people, these believers, were actually a lot like me. I was amazed.

Luke and I had just gotten settled and involved when our pastor announced he was leaving. We talked about whether or not we'd move churches, since, as I said before, he was a huge part of our love of Rich Fork. We decided that we liked our friends too much to leave so we'd just stick it out, for now. I don't remember ever praying out this decision...now I think that's funny, and scary.

It's so obvious to me now, how out of touch I was with the whole "church" scene. Clearly there was an obvious choice to succeed our former pastor. When they announced that the nomination committee had chosen Michael, I jumped to my feet and applauded. I remember thinking so clearly,

Wow! Why am I standing up? This is really exciting! Wow, I'm really yelling. Okay, calm down, calm down.

In the following weeks we voted, as a church body to have Michael as our senior pastor. When the ballot came to me, I thought

Wow, so this is how this works. Some people may not like this. There is a possibility that he may not be our pastor.

Then it hit me. Why am I here? What does this church offer that all the others don't. The answer was incredibly simple:

The People.

I could go anywhere else, to any other corner in our town and find God. The only place that could find my home, my church home, was with these people.

In the last 5 years, God has continued to confirm that for us. We have the most amazing group of believers that we humbly call our friends. They hold us accountable, challenge us and, most importantly, point us to God. Most of them are also pretty stinkin' hilarious.

If you look over to the right side of this page, you'll see a long list of bloggers, over half of which are friends of ours who call our church home as well. I love these people for so many, various reasons. The least of which is because of the building I met them in. This past spring, Luke and I ventured down to the youth area. It's a decision I will never regret making. Once more, God led us to amazing people. Youth I feel privileged to call friends.

Check out these videos and pics and you'll see, just as I do, exactly why I love these people and I feel incredibly blessed to call them friends. They are hilariously amazing, unconditionally loyal and, most incredibly, tolerant of my frequent mistakes. God has so richly blessed me. Oh, and in case you're wondering...that new pastor doesn't suck. ;)

Our first "new" friends. The Madisons and the Hanners. Nice 'stash Phil!! I'm about 1,000 lbs heavier and I think Sarah's about 16 yrs old in this pic. Wow, have we all changed!


Ringing in a new year. Nice helmet 'Tiney!


Dorf (if you don't know Dorf, google it)


Baby D and The Thompsons. Another example of God's perfect timing.


Birthday celebrations are much better with friends.

Our amazing friend Britt, aka "girlfriend" doin' her thang.





This is a video from almost a year ago. I tried to edit some of it b/c it was almost 8 minutes long. It might be the funniest thing I've seen in a while.

This was at our house last Saturday night. Yep, that's our Pastor Micheal (the one I mentioned above) racing Kevin K. I think he was having flashbacks to the Faster Pastor race.

Heart Changes

This morning, I woke up at 6:15am (yes, that's correct). Have I mentioned I'm not a morning person? I did NOT bound out of bed, but I did manage to maintain some sort of coherent brain function because at 6:35am I got out of the bed. By 6:40am I was pounding the pavement. I did well, running for almost the entire 20 minutes. I knew that I had to be home by 7:00 so that I could shower and get ready for Classical. It felt so good to be out there with the cool, crisp morning air.

The last few runs I've listened to Podcasts, because in the past music didn't distract me enough from the actual task of running. This morning, I felt like God was saying, just listen to the music, and with it worship me. So, I did. I even caught myself attempting to sing some (I say attempt because I hardly had breath to sing with). I kept telling Him that I couldn't believe He's placed this desire in me. I haven't dry heaved once since the running thing began. It's so unlike me. It made me think about the other changes that He has made in me. As I look back at the "old me" and even the me that has changed since when I first believed, I can see such a drastic difference. The thing that baffles me most is that I'm still ME. I'm still the same old Jessica, just different, newer, cleaner. Let me give you some examples:

1. I've always been the loud person in the group, usually saying everything that comes to mind. Those of you who have only known me in the last 5 or so years must be saying to yourself "Is that different from now?"

Yes, it is. Drastically. I have always had issues controlling my tongue. I'd say anything to get a laugh. I would use profanity to accentuate my stories and often incorporate lies into what I told just to see others laugh and get their approval.

In the last few years, God has shown me how much these words and lies destroy my character and my heart. Although I still slip and say things that are not a blessing, I now have fewer and fewer thoughts that spur these comments. I see the change in my heart and I can only give God the credit. If left to myself, I'd still be walking down a path of destruction with my mouth leading and proclaiming the way (James 3:1-11).

2. Laziness has always plagued me. It has manifested itself as procrastination, a dirty house, spending extra money on things rather than maintaining what I already had and obsessing over the most trivial of tasks as to avoid major ones. Very few times in my life has laziness not been an issue. Usually, those times were only when deadlines were hours away or if negative consequences were attached (like running for punishment for example...sorry, I couldn't resist).

Now, I look at my life differently. Although I still struggle to keep my house clean, I know that good time management is essential for the upkeep of my family. I'm still not where I need to be, but I'm so much further than where I started. I know my roommates from college probably wonder what my house must look like with 6 people living in it. Thankfully, God has placed in me the desire to keep things somewhat pick up. I'm not OCD like some of my friends (who I'll graciously let remain nameless) but I'm not the person I used to be.

3. The most un-obvious (is that a word) yet most dramatic change must be my heart. I know this encompasses the majority of my behavior changes so I'll just address it here and leave it be. From the outside looking in, one may not notice this heart change. However, for me it has been huge. Behaviors have been modified, eradicated and eliminated because of the new condition of my heart. The way I feel about others and the way I feel about myself is so totally different. It's indescribable.

I used to be so judgmental, so condescending, so hurtful of other people. I allowed all types of negativity into my mind and heart. I had no regard for the people around me. Everyone was for my disposal. How could these people serve me? Now, my heart is becoming that of a servant. I see that I need to serve others. I need to allow myself to experience their hurt, their pain, a day in their shoes. While the old me's thoughts drifted to those of persecution and judgment, the new me thinks of ways to help increase the quality of the lives of others. I still have a long way to go.

Nothing can describe or have created this change other than Christ Jesus. I could not change myself. Nothing could save me from the life I had before. Although I still have so very far to go, nothing or no one else could have made this change in me. I now desire to do God's work. I desire time with Him, I long for His presence (Phil. 2:13).

The point is, I could not continue in my old ways and proclaim to be changed by the blood of Jesus (1 Cor. 6:9-11). I know, I know, all this sounds so "churchy." When the old me encountered people who said the things I'm saying they sounded so "Holier than thou." The truth is, I sometimes think things and wonder, is that really me now? Am I really that much different? Or, is it just easier now? Is it easier to be free from sexual sin because I am married? Is it easier to be free from the destructive lifestyle of parties and alcohol because I have the responsibility of kids to keep me grounded? It is easier to watch my mouth because I have little ears listening to my every breath? The truth is....I don't know. What I do know is that I don't feel the same as I did before. I don't think the thoughts I used to think. I don't feel the anger, the hurt, the dirt I used to feel. Certainly that can't be attributed to a change in my environment. Only one Person, one Spirit could change me from the inside out.


I often ask myself, do others see me as Christ follower or a Bible beater? My prayer is that my life is a reflection of love. That as I shed the clothes of my old self and I put on the cloak of my new person, that my life will reflect the true love I have for my Savior, Jesus Christ (Ephesians 4:22-24).

If you hear an air of authority in my voice, if you hear an ounce of holiness, if you see a speck of self-righteousness know that it is not of my own accord that I have been made new. I am new because of He who lives within me. I have changed because of the love of the Spirit inside. I am a DAILY sinner. I still struggle with things that I wouldn't dare mention to close friends, much less on a blog. I am still so fallen, I am even still so very sinful. The good news is that He loves me despite it all.

I think back to the old me just 5ish years ago. I think back to the way my mind worked, the way I WANTED to be important. The way I struggled to give God glory because, quite honestly, I wanted all the glory for me. I remember thinking that I should get some credit. After all, I was a good person. I think about how much I've changed, yet how much I'm still the same old me and...I stand in awe. I love this verse I just found on BibleGateway.com:

“The Lord your God will change your heart and the hearts of all your descendants, so that you will love him with all your heart and soul and so you may live! The Lord your God will inflict all these curses on your enemies and on those who hate and persecute you. Then you will again obey the Lord and keep all his commands that I am giving you today.

“The Lord your God will then make you successful in everything you do. He will give you many children and numerous livestock, and he will cause your fields to produce abundant harvests, for the Lord will again delight in being good to you as he was to your ancestors. The Lord your God will delight in you if you obey his voice and keep the commands and decrees written in this Book of Instruction, and if you turn to the Lord your God with all your heart and soul.
~ Deuteronomy 30:6-10

I love how the Lord of creation decreed this for His people thousands of years ago, yet it still explains my heart today, in 2008. I love that the Lord knows me better than I know myself. I love that He keeps His promises. I feel the abudance spoken of in those verses above. I feel the change in my heart. I feel His blessings and it's all because He chose to call me. I'm so glad, for once, I listened to someone other than myself.

A Good Day

This morning, I got up and ran for 20ish minutes. Yes, me, running at 6:45am I can hardly believe it.

We also started our first day of Classical Conversations today. I am tutoring the 4 year old class. Today I had eight 4 year olds. It was so much fun and went so much more smoothly than I could have ever anticipated.

I'll post more later. I'm exhausted!