My Totally Ticked Off Heart

On Monday we head back to court for Baby D. I cannot describe to you how ready I am to be there. Normally, court dates make me a nervous wreck. In fact, I usually dread court so much that I have trouble sleeping the few days beforehand. This time will be different. Although I'm sure my nerves will be a hoppin' on the drive there, I feel so confident about Monday's hearing.

Let me show you why. Here is Baby D's birth parents visitation record since February 1st, 2009. They are suppose to have one 2 hour visit a week. (It used to be two 2 hour visits a week, but since they canceled the majority of visits in January, DSS dropped them down to one visit a week. Clearly they were not phased.)

Feb 6th - had a visit. The Baby D's social worker "dropped" in (they are supervised by a different social worker, who is there the entire time) and found out that the birth parents had gotten 2 pet rabbits. Said rabbits were ON THE FLOOR LOOSE with my baby. They were given a voucher for a drug screening, but they never took the tests.

Feb 13th - canceled the visit because birth dad was sick
Feb 20th - canceled the visit because birth dad sick
Feb 27th - canceled the visit because birth mom was sick
March 6th - canceled the visit to "run errands"
March 13th - canceled the visit because of an "appointment"

In January, they saw him twice. They canceled all of the other visits because of sickness as well.

Also, neither of the birth parents have done ANYTHING in their case plan since November.

Before I begin my rant: Our good friends The Hauts will be in court with us on Monday for their case with their foster son who is 3 days older than Baby D. If you're in the prayin' mood, offer one up for them as well. If you just clicked on that link and realized that their blog is private, check out this post as to how you can get access. It's worth the effort, I promise.

So you see, I'm not all that stressed about court on Monday. Clearly, any judge that would NOT begin terminating their rights should be de-robed (Is that what you do? Maybe de-benched? Oh, you know what I mean.) I am doubting that the birth parents will even show up for court. However, it's the what if they show up that haunts me.

I just don't know how to interact with these people. I don't know how to stand there and pretend that I'm not completely ticked at them. I don't know how to love them. I don't want to know how to love them. They have NO CLUE that their son is crawling. They don't know how precious his new 2 toothed grin is because they have no clue that he even has two teeth. They've never spent a night holding him, rocking him and comforting him because he was sick or teething.

On top of all of those emotions, I am also ticked that they had the audacity to claim him on their taxes. Oh yeah...I'm not kidding. Luke and I have had to mail in a hard copy of our tax return WITH an appeal letter because these people thought it was a good idea to claim the child that they do not have in their home nor are they making efforts towards regainig.

Is it wrong of me to pray that they go to jail for tax fraud? It is? Crap, that's what I thought.

Basically, I know that I'm suppose to be all "love them like Jesus would love them" but the truth is, I don't wanna. I want them to suffer. I want them to hurt. I want them to understand just how much pain they will one day cause my son when he has to face the truth of their neglect. I don't want to pray for God to give me the ability to love them. I don't want to see their faces at all.

In fact, if I never see them again I'm okay.

But the truth is, I know that I'm not any better than they are. When I yelled at Ashlee today because she was taking so friggin' long to put on her pants, I sinned.

When I lost it with Baby Girl tonight because she would-not-stop-crying, I sinned.

When I allowed inappropriate words to dance through my head and then I uttered them under my breath, I sinned.

When I got ticked at Luke for no good reason then I allowed myself to stay ticked, I sinned.

I'm as hopeless as they are. I too deserve the hurt, the pain. I deserve to suffer.

I wish I could type out some eloquent prayer about how I want my heart to be transformed, but if I did I would be a hypocrite. I cannot sit here and pretend that I want my heart to change toward them because I don't. I cannot sit here and pray a prayer that is not real. I can't fake it and I won't. Although my mind knows that this is so, so selfish my heart isn't on board. My heart wants retaliation. My heart wants justice.

So this weekend, I will choose to busy myself with all things aside from prayerful mediation. I will choose to clean my house, wash dishes, wipe stinky butts and comfort crying kids. I will hang out with friends, laugh at my children and cuddle with my husband. My mind knows that I should be prayerfully anticipating Monday, but my heart refuses to follow. So, if you think of it and you feel led, pray for this heart of mine. It's full of anger and hurt and just a nastiness that I cannot shake. And while these feelings themselves are not entirely sinful, the refusal to lay them aside and ask my Lord for help...well, that is.

So there it is, my real emotion. The raw me. My real "totally ticked" heart is asking you NOT to pray for it. It's stupid and wrong and totally sinful but I mean really, you didn't think I was perfect anyway, now did you?