Breakable Walls

Today has been a struggle. I found out from Baby D's social worker (different from our social worker, yes that makes 2 so far) that the first scheduled visit with birth parents is in the morning. Not only that, but because of some weird scheduling issues, I'll most likely be present and in the same room for most of the visit. It is unavoidable. My heart is torn. While I know it's beneficial, it also makes me nervous. So much rides on these visits. Will they say the right things just to be saying them? Will the social worker see if they are being fake? (A 3rd social worker, in case you're counting). Will they want him back? Will they want to let him go? Will they even know what they want this early in the game?

Earlier today as I struggled through these emotions I felt the Lord calling me. Even though the twins were waking up, I shut off the monitor and spent some time with God. I did my daily work from Experiencing God and realized that all God was asking me to do was pray and wait. I am so much a "get it done" kind of girl. If I know something needs to be fixed, I want to fix it. If I see that a conversation needs to be had, I wanna talk about it. If I think that something is about to happen, I want it to get here and get gone. On a side note: I am NOT this proactive with the cleanliness of my home, dirty laundry, etc. Guess you can't have it all, huh?

Anyway, as I finished up my daily work with Henry Blackaby, I felt God saying "Pray." So, I prayed. I told God that I wasn't sure how I was suppose to feel. I told Him that I knew there were walls around my heart. I told Him that I was struggling to find balance. I told Him I knew He'd heard my prayers and that He would answer. Still feeling the call to Jeremiah 29:11(as I had since I first heard about Baby D), I decided I'd read the entire 29th chapter of Jeremiah. Can I just tell you how cool God is?

Let me set the stage. Jeremiah the prophet is writing a letter to the exiles from Jerusalem. These people had been banished from Jerusalem to Babylon by King Nebuchadnezzar. In the letter Jeremiah basically tells them that God has spoken to him and His message to the people is that they should get comfortable (my translation, not NIV). God said to them:

"Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease." v. 5-6

Clearly they'd been asking God, "What do we do? How do we live? How long will this last?" Hummm....those questions sounded familiar to my pleading heart.

Basically, they are to carry on with their lives as normal. Normal? Really? Come on God! Nothing about this is normal! I have some other woman's baby in my home. I'm suppose to treat this baby normally? Like mine? Go about my life as if he were my own?

In that still, small voice I hear, "Yes." I'm totally floored. I prayed and asked and He made known. Now that I had my answer, I had to pray the hardest part yet. "Father, tear down the walls. Tear them down so that I can love this sweet baby as my own. Keep me from being guarded. Open my heart to him. Let me love."

I left my quiet time and continued on with my day. All 4 kids woke up, had a snack and we went out to play in the sand and water. Later, I brought Baby D upstairs and started getting dinner ready. I was feeding him his bottle when it hit me like a hurricane. "You're mine," I whispered softly, "and I'll love you as long as God lets me." Even now, typing those words brings tears to my eyes. I sat with Baby D, on our couch and the flood gates opened. God slowly and faithfully tore down each and every brick from around my heart. I cuddled, kissed and allowed this child into my heart. I promised him I'd love him forever, whether he's in our home or not. I allowed my soul to birth one more child. My heart divided once more, but this time making enough room for one more tiny person.

Today, I became a mother to 4.

May the words of my mouth and
the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
~ Psalm 19:13

(Yes, that is Baby D's preciousness pictured!)