Take heart

I'm generally an outspoken girl. I know you all are shocked to hear that.

But lately, I just can't seem to form the words. Actually, that's not true. I can form words. But the words that mesh together in my head, then form into thoughts and beg to spill from my lips are not exactly words that many people want to hear.

I go to a Bible study on Thursdays. This is my fourth year and I'd recommend it to any and every one who loves to study the word of God or wants to learn how to study the word of God or just needs 2 hours a week with some of the most amazing women on the planet.

I also go to a Bible study on Monday night with some of my closest friends. Sometimes it's more of group therapy than Bible study. But they challenge me, convict me and encourage me like few people can.

I'm also working through a Bible study with 3 other close friends. We're reading through the book of Ruth. I've always loved the book of Ruth.

Ask me about my Monday night study. I avoid going because I simply don't want to hear about any more struggles with any of my friends. Selfish, I know.

Ask me about the Ruth study. I've been on week 3 for about 3 and a half weeks.

Ask me about the Thursday study. Am I reading through Ephesians like all the other women? Not exactly. We are entering week 3 and I've yet to crack my workbook open outside of class time.

I sit in my small group time and listen to well intentioned women give their best efforts at encouraging and convicting snippets of information, all while perfectly holding a warm cup of coffee and wearing brightly colored capri pants and a snappy little cardigans. I look around the room and wonder what the hidden tragedies are in their lives. What words, songs, smells or memories cause hot tears to spring to their eyes in a matter of seconds? Do they even have those stories?

We sit in a circle and they share their convictions of the weeks's lesson and I look at them and wonder how on earth they can just sit there and talk about the glory of God.

I know they mean well. I know that some women in my group have faced tragedy that I pray never befalls me. One of the women in my group is walking a road that sickens me and causes me to sob on demand.

These women, they have wisdom and insights and knowledge that at any other time in my life, I'd leap at, cling to and scribble in the margins of my workbook.

But right now I'm struggling to understand, comprehend and flat out accept the sovereignty of God.

We're planning a beach trip soon and we're also planning a trip to go see our "oh-my-word-our-families-are-so-similar-its-scary" friends sometime in the near future. Yes, we drive a 15 passenger van. No, we cannot fit all the crap we need to function our luggage into our van when we travel places that require more than one night's stay. Therefore, the last two times we've travelled, we've had to rent an enclosed trailer. So I did a little search on Craig's List and found one listed very cheap about an hour away from us. We offered the seller significantly less than the listing price and he accepted. For approximately the cost of two rentals, we bought a trailer.

Only God.

Yesterday we packed up the kids and drove the hour or so to pick it up. When we got there we began to make small talk with the seller. He and his family had moved from California to the east coast and he bought the trailer for the move.

"Why did you move here?"

"To attend seminary,"he answered.

Turns out, he is attending seminary at the same place Luke and I have been taking online courses for Africa Inland Mission's Bible training requirements. Noticing that the seller was from another country, we asked him if he had plans to go back to his home country.

"Yes, I came here to get my degree so I can go back home and plant churches there."

I stood there, dumbfounded.

Seriously, God? Church planting?

We shared our own calling with him, I made small talk with his very pregnant wife, Luke prayed with him and then we drove off, almost feeling like we were stealing this trailer because we bought is so cheap.

On the way home, I shared with Luke, my inability to understand God's sovereignty.

"How is it that in less than 24 hours from the time I decided to look for a trailer, we are driving home with one that we got for so cheap? I'm having a hard time reconciling this with God. I mean, we didn't pray for a trailer it's just a blessing that God provided. Yet, I've prayed and prayed and begged God for some serious desires of my heart and yet, I don't hear or see anything in regards to them. I'm angry."

And that's where I'm at folks.

How can a God who is in the details of our lives seem so distant? So far? So.... uncaring about my heart and the lives of those around me?

And, I don't mean this as harshly as it's going to sound, but please save your trite, customary responses. I don't need to hear "God has a plan" or "Time will heal" or even "Judge your circumstances by your God not your God by your circumstances."

Because if I'm being honest, life seems unfair right now.

I'm watching a friend grieve the loss of the daughter she's carrying in her womb. She knows her death is inevitable and there's nothing she can do to stop it.

Another friend is going through emotions I cannot fathom as her due date approaches for a son she delivered too many weeks too soon. Instead of growing uncomfortably large, anticipating sleepless nights and round-the-clock feedings, she's navigating the pain of knowing her due date will come and go and no baby will arrive as scheduled.

Another friend is struggling with health issues. Words like cancer and brain adenoma are being thrown around. And while not currently life threatening, it's scary because, dear God, she has 3 boys to raise.

Our plans for Africa seem to be ever changing and my heart is grasping at something to hold firm because I need something to be certain, sure and unwavering.

Not to mention, you know, my friend died and today marks two months.

Two months.

And in two month's time I still can't wrap my mind around why God would chose to take a perfectly healthy 20 year old girl who loved Him deeply, with zeal and with a reckless abandon. And everyone around her knew it.

So I sit. In Bible studies I sit. In church I sit. I listen to others tell me about how glorious and marvelous and faithful God is and I just sit. I take it all in but my voice never dares speak.

I try to pray and instead melt into tears and wonder if the desires in my heart are really what God wants to even give me because, damnit, it sure doesn't feel that way.

Yet even in this, I know.

He is faithful.

He is good.

He is trustworthy.

He is righteous.

He is Lord.

As the earth seems to tremble around me and I question sovereignty and meaning and why life seems to suck for nearly every person I know, I take heart.

I take heart.

Clinging to the promises that He who says who He is, is true. He is my true north.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

(John 16:33 ESV)

Blood is proof

If you’ve been around kids much, you know how it works. They fall off their bike and for a split second, they’re fine. Until, that is, they see the blood. Once they see those red droplets spring to the surface of their skin it takes their little fall to a whole new level.

The same is true for busted lips. Our kids seem to be in a phase of frequent injuries. Maybe it’s because it’s summer, or maybe it’s because they’re all so young, but injuries are a daily occurrence. Someone will trip over something and smack their mouth on a toy, or the floor or their own knee. A little whimpering begins as they walk to me holding their mouth. It’s not tragic until I pull back their lip for a closer inspection and the pool of red liquid spills out, and they see it. Suddenly, they’re rocketed to a whole new level of pain and suffering.

I understand it. As a mother, when my kids fall down or slip I don’t typically rush, gasping for air, to their side. I found out many years ago that my level of reaction directly impacts their dramatic response to boo-boos, especially if it’s a minor scrape or bump. Most times when one of our kids takes a spill, I casually walk over to them and I try to remain calm while inspecting them, asking them quietly, “Tell me where it hurts.”

But even on my most amazingly calm mothering days, once I see blood in a large quantity my heart flips, my stomach turns and suddenly my outlook on their injury changes. My heart thumps a little harder.

Seeing blood sort of does that to you, doesn’t it? I know movies that are rated R because of graphic and violent content often have copious amounts of blood and gore involved.

After all, people can die and there can be hardly any visible blood at all. I’d wager a guess that most deaths occur without the horrific shedding of blood.

So what makes Hebrews 9:22 so relevant then?

“Indeed, under the law almost everything is purified with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness of sins.”

The writer of Hebrews has just finished a lengthy section on the old covenant and the law. In verse 18 he says, “not even the first covenant was inaugurated without blood.”

It seems that blood is required by God, no matter which covenant His people fall under, to forgive and atone for sins.

Why is that? Why blood? Why not the hides or skins of animals? Why not a lock of hair? Why not bars of gold or precious jewels?

The truth is, blood is life.

Blood is proof.

Living things need a certain volume of blood to sustain life. Without blood, our life slips quickly from us. Blood provides a certain proof that damage has been done to the body, that injury has occurred, that pain and suffering have most likely been involved.

Jesus could have died in many other forms. God could have ordained for him to die in numerous other ways: leprosy, cancer, malaria, dehydration or a simple infection.

But instead, God chose to hang Jesus on the cross. He chose for Christ’s sacrifice to be made public. He knew that blood needed to be in the equation so that all could partake in the transforming power of forgiveness with the shedding of blood.

Christ’s blood was proof. Proof that the sins were atoned for once and for all.

“For if the blood of goats and bulls, and the sprinkling of defiled persons with the ashes of a heifer, sanctify for the purification of flesh, how much more will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without blemish to God, purify our conscience from dead works to serve the living God.” (Hebrews 9:13-14)

Christ’s blood is a purifier. It is an atoner. It is the final proof that life was lost, sacrifice was made and new life has been given.

No lock of hair, skin or hide, sacrifice of goat or bull could ever prove what the blood of the Living King has sealed for eternity.

Blood is final. Blood is redeeming. Blood is proof.

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This entry was cross posted over on our church's summer session blog. Are you reading along? If so, how's it going? Only 2 more weeks!

Sometimes, actions speak louder than words

Philippians is rich with practical, life-applicable truths. Four short chapters with numerous famed scriptures, so common that often casual church goers or even non-believers can loosely quote them.

To read the rest of this post that I wrote for our church's Summer Session, click here.

Jesus makes me glad I'm a sinner

Click here to read why Jesus makes me glad I'm a sinner.

Speaking of Summer Session Reading, how's yours going?

What has the Lord revealed to you specifically since you started reading? He's given me so much to dwell on and pray over.

Have a great Thursday!

Summer Session. Join me?

Wanna know what three words send chills up my spine?

Are you ready for this......

Bible Reading Plan.

I know. The horror.

Probably because in my short time as a follower of Christ (7 years to be exact) each and every time I've began a Bible Reading Plan *shudder* I've failed miserably.

Sometimes I'd make it to the 3rd or 4th week. Most times, I just give up 1 week in when I'm 2 or more days behind. So when our Pastor announced on Sunday that we'd be doing a church-wide Summer Session complete with a Bible Reading Plan I thought, "Yeah. No thanks."

Truth is, I also thought, "You know what? This is for people who don't really read their Bible. This is for people who aren't growing in their relationship with God because they refuse to pick up their Bibles and really read them."

Then, our Pastor hit us with a staggering statistic. He said out of all of the regular church attenders (that would be people who come pretty regularly - not just on Christmas and Easter) only 11% have regular, consistent quiet time, studying the Bible.

ELEVEN PERCENT.

That stunned me. Then I started to wonder....would I consider myself in that 11%. I mean, I have small group on Sunday night with our teenagers, then another small group on Monday nights with my girlfriends, then during the school year I have a small group Community Bible Study group that meets on Thursdays and that's not to mention when Luke and I read together a night during the week.

I mean, I'm good. Right?

Then the Lord gently spoke to me. "Jessica, those are great but really in each of those instances you're reading studies that other people have produced. You're not reading Scripture for yourself. And you've never even read all the way through the New Testament."

Ouch. Okay, I'll do it.

So, I really wasn't going to mention it to Luke. That way, if I failed at least I'd be the only one with a record of my disaster. But then, on Monday night, Luke cracked open his Bible and said, "So, did you do the summer reading for today?"

Yikes! Good thing I had. Then, yesterday I got an email from our Pastor asking if I'd contribute to the blog for the summer reading.

How did he know?

So, I guess I'm making it public.

I, Jessica, am doing a *gulp* Bible Reading Plan this summer.

I'd love you to join me. It's not too late! Plus, sometime today, a post I wrote will be up over on our church's Summer Session blog.

Click here for the Summer Session schedule.

Click here for the blog where there will be posts for each day's worth of reading.

Three days in to the Bible Reading Plan and I'm so glad I've jumped in with both feet. Join me?

Advise me

So, my small group is looking for a new study. We just finished The Patriarchs by Beth Moore and OH.MY.WORD.

She.is.amazing.

I'll be honest, it takes me 2 - 3 videos to get past Beth's quirks.

(Y'all, say "Beth's quirks.")

But once I do, she blesses me in ways that I never thought possible. I think she reads my diary then writes the week's lesson just for me.

Anyway, we are about to begin another study and we have the following requirements:

* Heavy emphasis on Scripture: We don't want to just read a book loosely based on the Word and it be mostly the author's interpretation. We want it to take us back to the Scriptures time and time again.

* Something based on Marriage (and prayer, if possible to combine both): I've been told that Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas is good.

* It needs to either have an affordable video series (or one we can check out from the library) or have a discussion guide: We do better when we have an outline. Otherwise, we sit and talk about our days, our husbands, our kids, our life, sex, poop, motherhood and anything in between. Which all of those are good topics but we need some structure.

* Finally, something that's a little IN YOUR FACE: We like stuff that makes us question how's it's always been done. It makes for incredible conversation and also challenges us to see what God's Word says.

So....advise me. Please.

What studies on marriage and/or prayer have you done that we MUST DO? Give a sista some help. Thanks!

A Season or A Spell?

I've been going through a dry spell lately. Hopefully, I'm not the only believer on the planet who experiences this, so some of you can relate. Basically, I've not made time for God lately. Other things, that are so obviously not important, have edged their way into my time with Him. The part that really perturbs me is that it is stupid stuff. You know, things like creating a new blog header, cleaning my house, or better yet, napping. I feel like I can almost justify the napping considering that I have a newborn in the house. Just last night, Baby D decided that he wanted to be awake from 3:00am - 4:45am. He wasn't fussy, he just wanted to be awake and be held. Part of me can almost justify the cleaning, have you been to my house lately? However, I know that even these things, justifiable as they may be, are just another thing separating me from the blessings I could be receiving from time with Him.

A few years ago, I honestly don't remember if it was after Elizabeth was born or when the twins were born, my friend Emily and I were talking about being a mom and having quiet time (or for me, the lack thereof). Emily, being the wise, wise woman she is, offered me a different perspective. She said, "Jessica, in this season of your life, God truly knows the desires of your heart. He knows how much you have going on. Make your day constant worship to Him, while you mother your children." That spoke such volumes to me. I know that God cares about details because He's shown me that time and time again. Yet, this time it's different.

Yes, I'm suffering from lack of sleep. Yes, I have 4 children under 4 in my home. But in all honesty, those things aren't what's keeping me from Him. It's purely me. I feel like I go through spurts of intense study. I will go weeks and immerse myself in God's word, gulping in the freshness of the Spirit that is feeding me as much as I can take. Then, without warning, it fades. I begin to go a day or two without picking up my Bible. Those two days turn into a week, and before I know it, it's Sunday morning and I'm frantically searching the house for my Bible, because I have no clue where I last put it. Finally, I discover it, still in the car from last Sunday.

Where is the balance in my life? Where can I find that perfect harmony between too much and not enough? How can I orchestrate my days so that God is my #1 priority? Out loud I say that God is at the top of my ever growing list. However, my actions do not truly portray that. I certainly put my family, house and even computer time ahead of my Savior. As I struggle with it all, I am reminded of my life verse. Philippians 3:12-14 pretty much hits me like a ton of bricks each and every time I read it.

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.
~The Message

When I read those words, I'm reminded just how far I've come in my walk. I'm reminded that when I first began, I would go months without reading my Bible, and never feel convicted until someone or something pointed it out. Now, a few days without my God time and I'm thirsting for it. Maybe I go through drys spells so that I can see how far I've come. Maybe I go through them to see how much further I have to go. Either way, I know that I'm a work in progress. My walk with Christ changes daily. I am truly off and running, and I'm not turning back. Now....where's my Bible?

Veruca Salt-iness

I have to confess that lately my prayers have become quite selfish. When Baby D first got here, my prayers were purely for God's will. My heart's earnest desire was to see this family come to know Christ and be reunited. Over the last several days, they have turned VERY selfish. I struggled with whether or not to post this (its been sitting here since last Wednesday), but I felt that I had posted every other emotion I've felt so far, so why not this one too?

My prayer life has started revolving around my own selfish desires. As I continue to work through Experiencing God, I read about George Müller and how he prayed in the Spirit. To do this, he first prayed for God to take all of his own desires out of his heart, each and every last one of them. Then, he asked for the Spirit to place God's desires within him. So, knowing I am being very selfish lately, yesterday I asked God to take my desires. As I sat there, waiting....wanting God to take them, I felt my heart begin to lift. I felt a tinge of relief...then suddenly as if I was physically moving I felt my heart reach out and grab all of my emotions and pull them back. Almost as if they were being smothered within me. Imagine a balloon that is about to float away into the clouds, then at the last minute you grab the last inch of string and violently pull it toward you, engulfing it with your arms.

I feel this inner struggle constantly. I want to release it all to God, but for some reason I'm holding on, unable to let go completely. Am I afraid of God's desires? Am I fearful of what I might feel? I'm busying myself with other things, like arguing or picking fights with my husband. In my quiet time, I'm searching for answers to my questions, rather than opening my heart to hear what God wants to say. I am looking for signs rather than God.

I'm being very selfish. I want to know ALL of the answers NOW. I want MY WAY. I want what I FEEL is best for me. Where is that refuge I had mere days ago? Geesh, I'm such an Israelite! I forget so quickly how redemptive God is and I turn to myself to solve my problems. Surely this too will pass, but I know that I must pray my way through it, and I just don't have the strength right now. I want Baby D forever, not just for now. I want everyone to see that we would make the best home for him. I want God to answer the cries of my heart.

I sort of feel like Veruca Salt on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory..."No Daddy, I want it NOW!" Unfortunately, God has never answered these demanding prayers in the past and I don't think He'll be starting anytime soon. So, I'm back to waiting, praying and trusting. I'm back to offering up my thoughts on a minute by minute basis. I'm back to asking God to change my heart. I mean, the world doesn't need another Veruca, and I certainly don't want THAT as my legacy.

HIM

I think of a million excuses. I have a to-do list a mile long, that must get done instead. I count Sunday morning worship, Tuesday morning Bible Study group and Wednesday nights with the youth. I tell myself that my nap time was used for resting in Him.

Those are lies. Real relationships take work. Love relationships require efforts of great magnitude. Intimacy is necessary.

I expect Him to speak but I never stop and listen. I pray for guidance and discernment without cultivating the bond. I seek wisdom, honor and value, but ignore the essential Truth. My heart screams with questions, when the answers have already been written.

I toss ideas around in my head wondering if the Spirit is prompting, knowing if it were Him, He'd be more clear because that's His character.

I remember prior pain and hope the scars have healed, forgetting how He washed them clean with His own hands.

Anxiety tortures my mind, keeping me awake. I ask Him why. He makes it clear that He's waiting for me to lay it at His feet.

He sits and waits as I walk right by, promising to catch up later, committing to Him my left-overs, my tired mind, my weary heart. I vow to make our time priority, often breaking my promise.

He always keeps His promises. He's always faithful. He's always true, He's always good. He always has time for me. He never keeps me waiting, especially when I need Him most. He's WAY busier than I'll ever be.

The problem with my relationship with God is ME.

Experiencing God, Take 3

This morning, I attended a women's group with my mom. She's been attending regularly with these women for a while now, and always raves about how wonderful they are. They have supported her spiritually and emotionally in ways that I am unable, and for that I am so truly thankful.

Today, they began a new study, Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby. I have done this study twice before, but jumped at the opportunity to do it again, because it is just an amazing study that shoves you face-to-face with God. I am looking forward to seeing God more clearly. I am always blown away at how much God loves me, desires me and shows Himself to me. I hope that if you've never done Experiencing God that you will RUN, not walk, to your nearest bookstore and buy it TODAY. It's that good. I am excited to see what God has in store for me and my family in the coming months as our Foster Care license becomes valid and as I pray over various things that have been on my mind. I know He is a powerful and amazing God, and I am so humbled that He chooses ME to do things for His kingdom. How awesome.