I just feel emotionally drained. Several things have attributed to this, none of them being things that I really have any control over.
First, MckMama's (Jennifer's) sweet baby Stellan is back and forth and back and forth from okay to bad, okay to bad. It's exhausting for me to watch it unfold, yet I feel so drawn, so called to pray moment by moment.
Second, my kids have been TERRIBLE today. I'm sure my uptightness isn't helping, but Lucas cried, almost non-stop for 2.5 hours this morning. I was attempting to do some school work with Elizabeth. I was so excited about schooling this morning because on Saturday I bought 2 workbooks at the dollar store, 1 for Lucas and 1 for Ashlee and I just knew they's be so thrilled to have "big kid" work to do. They could have cared less. Lucas sat in front of his workbook and screamed most of the morning.
Ashlee was in a terrible mood and had to be spanked several times, which is totally unlike her. And, during all of that Elizabeth is frustrated because she cannot read. It was more than I could take and I surely questioned why in the world I'd ever want to do this homeschooling thing on a regular basis.
Lastly, another situation has me completely riddled with anxiety. Hopefully, I will be able to share more with you about that later.
All that to say that today has been one of the most stressful days I've had in a very, very, very long time. And, I'm not handling it well, at all. I've lost my cool, yelled at my kids, said BAD BAD things in my mind (and maybe even some of it slipped out), and just been on the brink of tears all day long.
Surely tomorrow will be better. It HAS to be better.
Please God, hear my cries, resolve these areas of unrest. Heal sweet Stellan's heart and make my own be one that carries with it peace, rest and abiding joy.
Showing posts with label praying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label praying. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Monday, September 15, 2008
Seeing Clearly Now
I was going to wait and publish this after Wednesday, but the thoughts just won't go away. I am mulling them over and over and over in my mind. Therefore, I knew I needed some blog-therapy. Fair warning now, this WILL be a long post.
To catch you up to speed, last Wednesday I went for Baby D's agency review. You can read about the last agency review by clicking here. Basically, this meeting is just for agency workers to review the case. The birth parents did not show up for the last review, but this time birth dad came. Birth mom was supposedly attending a class that is part of her case plan for reunification.
Anyway, as I was sitting outside the conference room, waiting on the meeting to start, I kept wondering if his birth parents would show up. As the time crept closer and closer, I was starting to think not. Then, I glanced up and saw birth dad. Immediately, my heart began to race. Something about him gives me the creeps. Actually, a lot about him gives me the creeps.
Anyway, he sat next to me and attempted small talk. Usually this is my forte. I mustered out a few comments and he finally asked me how his son was doing. I looked him straight in the eye and said,
"He's doing great."
Finally, we went into the tiny conference room. Public building are notorious for their uninviting chairs, tables and decor. This room was no exception. I made my way down to the furthest chair and sat. With a buffer seat in between, birth dad sat down next to me and then our social worker. Across the table sat 2 women, neither of which introduced themselves, so I can't tell you who they are. I think one is the supervisor for our social worker. This is my second encounter with her (the first was over the phone) and let me tell you that I have been none too impressed by her at either interaction.
The Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) supervisor sat at the end of the table.
The social worker asked birth father if he remembered how an agency review went. No one introduced themself, no one introduced me. No one hardly looked at me. I sat there, shocked that such little effort was made to ensure that everyone knew the protocol. Maybe there isn't a protocol?
Baby D's social worker began to unpack the latest developments in the case plan. She told how the birth parents had completed a portion of the case plan (an insignificant portion at that) and how they were working on a second part, which will require 90 hours of classes.
She proceeded to tell the panel about the latest setbacks in Baby D's case. As she did, I sat and stared at the birth father. I searched his face for any hint of remorse or guilt or shame. I saw none. He sat, with his head down, shaking it almost knowingly, casually acknowledging his mistakes.
Finally, the Guardian Ad Litem supervisor looked at me and asked me how Baby D was doing. He asked me if Baby D needed any intervention or therapy evaluations for developmental delays. I simply replied,
"Compared with my other 3 children, he is right on track. Our pediatrician hasn't seen any need for intervention. He is making eye contact, following sounds and cooing."
At that birth father began throwing in his two cents. He told the panel how Baby D played with his toys at the visits and how well he was doing with growing.
What?!?
I'm sorry, are you pretending to know your child? The child that has been in my care for the last 3 months? The child that you have spent a mere 40 hours with since his birth? My son who I have rocked and fed and changed and loved on for the other 2,120 hours? Surely you can't be!
As the steam began to shoot out of my ears, I hear the supervisor of the social worker begin to chime in.
She says, with the meekest disposition and almost in a whisper,
"Mr. --, It is our understanding that you and your wife desire to bring [Baby D] home with you. I want you to know that this is our desire for you too. We are here, cheering you on. However, the clock is ticking and you have a lot of work to do. You all need to work hard and stay out of trouble so that [Baby D] can come home soon. We will do all we can to help you."
My mind screams. My heart is pounding. She can't be serious.
Birth father mumbles something about working harder and trying to break bad habits. I didn't really hear what he was saying because I think my ears were bleeding.
The meeting is adjourned and as we stand to leave this same supervisor gives birth father one final thought. Still in the same voice she says,
"Now don't hold your head down. You hold your head up as you leave here. It's gonna work out. Okay?"
With that, I am doing all I can trying to get out of that room. If these people don't move, I'll push them over or crawl across the table....anything to get out. Still not acknowledging me, the supervisor sits quietly, as we all exit.
I go an alternate route out of the building to ensure that I do not encounter birth father again, much less have to endure an elevator ride with him. I don't think I would be good at holding my tongue at this point.
The errands that followed and the ride home provided me with enough time to cool off. I'm still processing it all.
Flash forward to Friday. The same social worker comes for a home visit to see Baby D. I like her and feel comfortable talking with her. However, our communication has lacked something to be desired. This meeting made me feel a TON better.
Without going into those pesky details that I am unable to share, I will tell you that I think that the social worker and I see eye to eye on more than I had previously thought. We both feel that it is unsafe for Baby D to return to birth parents as they currently are living. She also assured me that the progress they have made is not significant which is a word that DSS uses to determine whether or not the plan will change from "Reunification" to "Termination of Parental Rights (TPR)." Of course, as for now, reunification is still the goal.
I made sure she understood that I desired for Baby D to return home to his parents IF:
1. They became believers in Christ Jesus and had a complete life change.
2. They completed every last word of their case plan and remained drug free for the duration of his placement.
She agreed with me, at least openly on #2.
Okay, lastly, if you're still reading this...
This Wednesday we have another review. It's a new policy in NC and they bring in an outside mediator or something to review the case. They are unbiased and get only the factual information about what birth parents are suppose to do, what they have already done and any offenses they have made against their case plan.
It will be a rough day. It's scheduled for an hour long and we are suppose to take Baby D. That means I will have to sit there and watch this woman pretend to mother my baby.
I know that God will provide, I know He will bring me through, but right now I feel so bogged down.
---I love how God provides. Here I am writing this blog, focusing on the worst possible scenario and I get a surprise skype from Lindy. With the time difference, I was shocked to get a message from her.
I don't know what it is about her, and her in Africa at that, that brings me out of a funk. Anyway, a few minutes of skype chat with her and I am seeing clearly again. Last week, I cried to her and Joy over web cam. I'm thinking she may quit skyping me if I do not become emotionally stable. Ha! God continues to show me that I can make it thorough all things, I just have to remember where my strength comes from.---
Now, I KNOW I can face Wednesday, although I would still cherish your prayers.
Thank you so much.
Father, why is it that I doubt you? Just when I think I cannot see past the dark, you shine your light on my situation all the way from Africa. Thank you so much for providing people in my life that understand. Thank you for the miracle of friendships that seem to strengthen across miles and oceans and satellite feeds. Thank you for being a sustainer. Thank you for your promises and how you help me to remember them with clarity. You are amazing and I am continually in awe of how You love and care for me, even when I try to make it without you.
To catch you up to speed, last Wednesday I went for Baby D's agency review. You can read about the last agency review by clicking here. Basically, this meeting is just for agency workers to review the case. The birth parents did not show up for the last review, but this time birth dad came. Birth mom was supposedly attending a class that is part of her case plan for reunification.
Anyway, as I was sitting outside the conference room, waiting on the meeting to start, I kept wondering if his birth parents would show up. As the time crept closer and closer, I was starting to think not. Then, I glanced up and saw birth dad. Immediately, my heart began to race. Something about him gives me the creeps. Actually, a lot about him gives me the creeps.
Anyway, he sat next to me and attempted small talk. Usually this is my forte. I mustered out a few comments and he finally asked me how his son was doing. I looked him straight in the eye and said,
"He's doing great."
Finally, we went into the tiny conference room. Public building are notorious for their uninviting chairs, tables and decor. This room was no exception. I made my way down to the furthest chair and sat. With a buffer seat in between, birth dad sat down next to me and then our social worker. Across the table sat 2 women, neither of which introduced themselves, so I can't tell you who they are. I think one is the supervisor for our social worker. This is my second encounter with her (the first was over the phone) and let me tell you that I have been none too impressed by her at either interaction.
The Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) supervisor sat at the end of the table.
The social worker asked birth father if he remembered how an agency review went. No one introduced themself, no one introduced me. No one hardly looked at me. I sat there, shocked that such little effort was made to ensure that everyone knew the protocol. Maybe there isn't a protocol?
Baby D's social worker began to unpack the latest developments in the case plan. She told how the birth parents had completed a portion of the case plan (an insignificant portion at that) and how they were working on a second part, which will require 90 hours of classes.
She proceeded to tell the panel about the latest setbacks in Baby D's case. As she did, I sat and stared at the birth father. I searched his face for any hint of remorse or guilt or shame. I saw none. He sat, with his head down, shaking it almost knowingly, casually acknowledging his mistakes.
Finally, the Guardian Ad Litem supervisor looked at me and asked me how Baby D was doing. He asked me if Baby D needed any intervention or therapy evaluations for developmental delays. I simply replied,
"Compared with my other 3 children, he is right on track. Our pediatrician hasn't seen any need for intervention. He is making eye contact, following sounds and cooing."
At that birth father began throwing in his two cents. He told the panel how Baby D played with his toys at the visits and how well he was doing with growing.
What?!?
I'm sorry, are you pretending to know your child? The child that has been in my care for the last 3 months? The child that you have spent a mere 40 hours with since his birth? My son who I have rocked and fed and changed and loved on for the other 2,120 hours? Surely you can't be!
As the steam began to shoot out of my ears, I hear the supervisor of the social worker begin to chime in.
She says, with the meekest disposition and almost in a whisper,
"Mr. --, It is our understanding that you and your wife desire to bring [Baby D] home with you. I want you to know that this is our desire for you too. We are here, cheering you on. However, the clock is ticking and you have a lot of work to do. You all need to work hard and stay out of trouble so that [Baby D] can come home soon. We will do all we can to help you."
My mind screams. My heart is pounding. She can't be serious.
Birth father mumbles something about working harder and trying to break bad habits. I didn't really hear what he was saying because I think my ears were bleeding.
The meeting is adjourned and as we stand to leave this same supervisor gives birth father one final thought. Still in the same voice she says,
"Now don't hold your head down. You hold your head up as you leave here. It's gonna work out. Okay?"
With that, I am doing all I can trying to get out of that room. If these people don't move, I'll push them over or crawl across the table....anything to get out. Still not acknowledging me, the supervisor sits quietly, as we all exit.
I go an alternate route out of the building to ensure that I do not encounter birth father again, much less have to endure an elevator ride with him. I don't think I would be good at holding my tongue at this point.
The errands that followed and the ride home provided me with enough time to cool off. I'm still processing it all.
Flash forward to Friday. The same social worker comes for a home visit to see Baby D. I like her and feel comfortable talking with her. However, our communication has lacked something to be desired. This meeting made me feel a TON better.
Without going into those pesky details that I am unable to share, I will tell you that I think that the social worker and I see eye to eye on more than I had previously thought. We both feel that it is unsafe for Baby D to return to birth parents as they currently are living. She also assured me that the progress they have made is not significant which is a word that DSS uses to determine whether or not the plan will change from "Reunification" to "Termination of Parental Rights (TPR)." Of course, as for now, reunification is still the goal.
I made sure she understood that I desired for Baby D to return home to his parents IF:
1. They became believers in Christ Jesus and had a complete life change.
2. They completed every last word of their case plan and remained drug free for the duration of his placement.
She agreed with me, at least openly on #2.
Okay, lastly, if you're still reading this...
This Wednesday we have another review. It's a new policy in NC and they bring in an outside mediator or something to review the case. They are unbiased and get only the factual information about what birth parents are suppose to do, what they have already done and any offenses they have made against their case plan.
It will be a rough day. It's scheduled for an hour long and we are suppose to take Baby D. That means I will have to sit there and watch this woman pretend to mother my baby.
I know that God will provide, I know He will bring me through, but right now I feel so bogged down.
---I love how God provides. Here I am writing this blog, focusing on the worst possible scenario and I get a surprise skype from Lindy. With the time difference, I was shocked to get a message from her.
I don't know what it is about her, and her in Africa at that, that brings me out of a funk. Anyway, a few minutes of skype chat with her and I am seeing clearly again. Last week, I cried to her and Joy over web cam. I'm thinking she may quit skyping me if I do not become emotionally stable. Ha! God continues to show me that I can make it thorough all things, I just have to remember where my strength comes from.---
Now, I KNOW I can face Wednesday, although I would still cherish your prayers.
Thank you so much.
Father, why is it that I doubt you? Just when I think I cannot see past the dark, you shine your light on my situation all the way from Africa. Thank you so much for providing people in my life that understand. Thank you for the miracle of friendships that seem to strengthen across miles and oceans and satellite feeds. Thank you for being a sustainer. Thank you for your promises and how you help me to remember them with clarity. You are amazing and I am continually in awe of how You love and care for me, even when I try to make it without you.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Tearfully Groaning
I got an email today from Baby D's social worker. She had a visit with the birth parents last Friday. I know I've said it a thousand times, but I will say it once more, I cannot go into details.
I received a lot of new news today. News that I cannot decide what to make of. Part of me leaps for joy while another part mourns the failure of the birth parents once more. Not too long ago, I professed to someone that I wasn't a crier. Well, I think it's safe to say that I am eating my own words.
Since we got Baby D, I have cried more than all the past 5 years combined. Today is no exception. I have no idea how to feel. Should I rejoice in their failure because that means more possibility of him being ours forever? Or, do I weep for this mother because I see the opportunity she's missing? My soul just can't make sense of it all.
I humble myself before God and ask for Him to restore them. Draw them to Him, make them clean. At the same time, I pray for swiftness and boldness with the courts. I pray that the judge would see them in all of their mess ups and allow him to be our boy, forever. My heart is so torn, my thoughts too jumbled.
I used to have this verse taped on the window above my kitchen sink. I knew that I was looking at it daily for a reason. At the time, it only applied to me in itsy-bitsy situations. Over the last 3 months, it has been the anthem of my Spirit:
I received a lot of new news today. News that I cannot decide what to make of. Part of me leaps for joy while another part mourns the failure of the birth parents once more. Not too long ago, I professed to someone that I wasn't a crier. Well, I think it's safe to say that I am eating my own words.
Since we got Baby D, I have cried more than all the past 5 years combined. Today is no exception. I have no idea how to feel. Should I rejoice in their failure because that means more possibility of him being ours forever? Or, do I weep for this mother because I see the opportunity she's missing? My soul just can't make sense of it all.
I humble myself before God and ask for Him to restore them. Draw them to Him, make them clean. At the same time, I pray for swiftness and boldness with the courts. I pray that the judge would see them in all of their mess ups and allow him to be our boy, forever. My heart is so torn, my thoughts too jumbled.
I used to have this verse taped on the window above my kitchen sink. I knew that I was looking at it daily for a reason. At the time, it only applied to me in itsy-bitsy situations. Over the last 3 months, it has been the anthem of my Spirit:
Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
~ Romans 8:26-27, The Message
~ Romans 8:26-27, The Message
Lord God! I am so tired of waiting. I love this child so very much. Most days, I look at him and forget he's not really mine. I know your Spirit is along side me Lord, helping me through this raging sea of emotions. I don't know what to say to you God. I don't know what to feel. Let your Spirit intercede. Bring your mercy to me and allow me the comfort that you so richly provide. As my Spirit groans oh God, hear the desires of my heart. Make me feel the love for these people as you feel love for them. Keep my sweet baby safe Lord, out of harm. I know that all things work together for your glory Lord, but I'm struggling to see the purpose now. Keep me before you God, keep me drawn to your unfailing love. Make these details of my life sing and dance together for your love, your will and your purpose. Amen.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Speaking of Unspoken
Okay, so most of you know by now that I'm a "lay it all out there" kind of person. I don't have a lot of secrets and I'm not typically a private person. Basically, what you see is what you get with me. I've never been the person who requests prayer for the "unspoken" because, well, quite frankly I think that's annoying. If something is pressing enough for you to ask others for prayer I am sorta of the mindset that you should just fess up.
However, God is working on me. Over the last 2 or so years God has placed some things on my heart. He gently reminds me ever so often, and each time I'm brought to tears. So here I go, asking for prayer and also saying that I don't really wish to share much about it. Here's what I will say:
1. On Sunday, Micheal delivered another powerful sermon. There's something about your pastor speaking God's truth directly into your life in front of 500ish people. It's humbling and so amazing. Baby D got fussy so I excused myself about 3/4 of the way through. Before I left, God and I had a pretty interesting conversation. He'd let me listen to Michael for a bit, then chime in, adding His own twist. The part that surprised and moved me is that God delivered a promise then a calling.
2. I can tell you that both the promise and the calling are God sized and there is absolutely nothing I can do to make either of them happen. I'm excited to see how God is going to work this out.
3. I'm scared. I'm scared because the thing God has requested of me will put me FAR out of my comfort zone. I'm scared to breathe it (other than to Luke, of course) because what if I'm wrong. What if God didn't say that to me, and then I go blabbing it around and it never comes to pass? What if it's true and I have to be obedient?
So, pretty much, if God lays it on your heart just pray for our family. God is moving and spoke to me although I went for about 3 weeks in a dry spell, where I just lacked desire to read my Bible or spend any time with God...yes, it's true and I feel you deserve the truth. I'm humbled that He still choose to speak to me even when I ignored Him. I'm humbled that He would call me to this task. I'm in awe that He considers me His servant.
I know that I need to look for 2 more big signs before I can count this as God's plan. Step 1 has been done which is Confirmation by the Holy Spirit. I'm still praying and waiting for 2) Confirmation in Scripture and 3) Confirmation through Godly Counsel. If you feel led, pray with me. If not, that's okay too. If you have advice, I'll listen. If you're a non-believer and question how God speaks in these ways ask via the comment section or privately by emailing me at: beaverbunch (at) gmail (dot) com.
Thanks for reading my blog, it's humbling that other care enough to read my silly rantings. I'll leave you with Scripture that has been brought to me several times today:
However, God is working on me. Over the last 2 or so years God has placed some things on my heart. He gently reminds me ever so often, and each time I'm brought to tears. So here I go, asking for prayer and also saying that I don't really wish to share much about it. Here's what I will say:
1. On Sunday, Micheal delivered another powerful sermon. There's something about your pastor speaking God's truth directly into your life in front of 500ish people. It's humbling and so amazing. Baby D got fussy so I excused myself about 3/4 of the way through. Before I left, God and I had a pretty interesting conversation. He'd let me listen to Michael for a bit, then chime in, adding His own twist. The part that surprised and moved me is that God delivered a promise then a calling.
2. I can tell you that both the promise and the calling are God sized and there is absolutely nothing I can do to make either of them happen. I'm excited to see how God is going to work this out.
3. I'm scared. I'm scared because the thing God has requested of me will put me FAR out of my comfort zone. I'm scared to breathe it (other than to Luke, of course) because what if I'm wrong. What if God didn't say that to me, and then I go blabbing it around and it never comes to pass? What if it's true and I have to be obedient?
So, pretty much, if God lays it on your heart just pray for our family. God is moving and spoke to me although I went for about 3 weeks in a dry spell, where I just lacked desire to read my Bible or spend any time with God...yes, it's true and I feel you deserve the truth. I'm humbled that He still choose to speak to me even when I ignored Him. I'm humbled that He would call me to this task. I'm in awe that He considers me His servant.
I know that I need to look for 2 more big signs before I can count this as God's plan. Step 1 has been done which is Confirmation by the Holy Spirit. I'm still praying and waiting for 2) Confirmation in Scripture and 3) Confirmation through Godly Counsel. If you feel led, pray with me. If not, that's okay too. If you have advice, I'll listen. If you're a non-believer and question how God speaks in these ways ask via the comment section or privately by emailing me at: beaverbunch (at) gmail (dot) com.
Thanks for reading my blog, it's humbling that other care enough to read my silly rantings. I'll leave you with Scripture that has been brought to me several times today:
No one can know a person’s thoughts except that person’s own spirit, and no one can know God’s thoughts except God’s own Spirit.
~ 1 Corinthians 2:11
-----
~ 1 Corinthians 2:11
-----
Here I am Lord. Make me a willing servant. Make my heart pure, so that I can receive your desires for my life outside of the desires of my sinful heart. I desire to serve You, I desire to serve. Amen.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Tricia's Having Surgery!!!
UPDATE: The surgery technically started just a little after 9:00EST. I know, I know, I sound like I"m part of the family but I just can't tell you how much my heart goes out to these folks. I am sincerely praying for the Operating Room to be shoulder to shoulder with angels, protecting Tricia during the surgery, and holding the hands of these surgeons. I also pray for another room full of angels, except these are for the donor family. Please join with me in prayer.
I know I'm a little freaky b/c I really don't know these people, but Tricia is having her surgery tonight! She has been in the OR for little over an hour. My stomach is in knots and I know I won't be able to sleep tonight!
As for my freakish obsession with this family, I cannot tell you how many times a day the Holy Spirit brings them to my mind. I pray for them almost as much as I do for my own family.
Please, please, please lift them up to the Creator of the universe in prayer. Pray for the donor family, surgeons and especially Tricia & Nate's family.
I know I'm a little freaky b/c I really don't know these people, but Tricia is having her surgery tonight! She has been in the OR for little over an hour. My stomach is in knots and I know I won't be able to sleep tonight!
As for my freakish obsession with this family, I cannot tell you how many times a day the Holy Spirit brings them to my mind. I pray for them almost as much as I do for my own family.
Please, please, please lift them up to the Creator of the universe in prayer. Pray for the donor family, surgeons and especially Tricia & Nate's family.
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