When the struggling ceases

I scoop her up off the floor, plop down into my favorite nursing chair, raise my shirt and offer her some milk. She latches, but as she does she extends her arm until her pudgy, dimpled, dainty elbow reaches a locked position.

This is how we nurse. We've nursed this way all 12.5 months of her life. I cradle her, smooth her hair, gaze at her eyelashes and smile. She looks at the ceiling then rolls her eyes as far as possible to see what is behind her, without unlatching.

She tolerates me. With my other babies there were tender nursing moments. Times when they would nurse, grin while milk streamed from the corners of their mouthes, unlatch and offer me a huge grin, only to spray milk all over the both of us.

But Evelyn is not that baby. She loves me, and wants me sometimes, but mostly I'm a source of nourishment for her. It's her Daddy who is her ultimate soother. She adores him more than any of our other children have at this young age. Normally it's Mommy and Mommy alone while they're breastfeeding. But not her.

She drinks until she's had her fill, then she unlatches with a smack, rolls away from me, requesting with her whole body to be released from my arms. She's done with me and I've come to terms with the fact that I am the one who is fond of the nursing, not her. I've finally realized it's not personal. She grins and me and smiles when we play together. She giggles at my over-exaggerated laughs. But if the choice is me or Daddy, Daddy wins every time.

Evelyn, 9.5 months, tolerating my affection.

Tonight, as the house was still, and I rocked her while she nursed, He washed Himself over me in a way that used to be familiar and regular.

"This is us," he whispered. "You use me solely for life-sustaining nourishment right now. There is no intimacy between us. You wait until you cannot wait any longer, have your fill of me, then you make it clear you're ready to have your space."

I recoiled in the truth that He showed me.

I've been angry. Hurt. I've felt neglected and robbed. I've wanted to walk away, and I probably would have, for not the consistent and fervent prayers of my husband and dearest friends. And now, I'm in a place where I'm no longer wanting or struggling to break free from this faith that has gripped me so tightly. I'm fine with it. It's here, it's who I am. It's a part of me.

I wait until I can wait no more, fling myself before the cross, fill myself with just enough to get me through the next trial, the next thing and then I'm done with him for a while.

In the simile that is my nursing relationship, I am Evelyn and He is me.

He longs for the intimacy that should exist, the affection and the joy upon my face as we embrace and delight in one another. And oh how He has never stopped delighting in me. He makes that clear when I draw near. He loves me as much as He ever has, increasingly as the days pass. As my love grows for my almost-walking babe, does His love for me.

My embraces with him have been distant. My (not as cute as Evelyn's) pudgy, dimpled elbows lock into place when He comes near because keeping Him at arms length is just easier. At arms length it can't hurt as much. At arms length I cannot hear His whispers clearly. At arms length, my perception is that if He should forget me again, then I can catch myself before I fall.

But the truth is, I was never forgotten. As much as my heart, and my enemy, wants be to believe the lie that I have been cast aside, He could not forget me. I know this is true because I could not forget my precious, independent, ever looking-for-a-distraction-while nursing, baby girl.

"Can a woman forget her nursing child,
that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb?
Even these may forget,
yet I will not forget you.

Isaiah 49:15
Oh this love He has for me is relentless. He is showing me, as I pursue all but Him, that He is here. Offering the nourishment and sustenance I need for life, a rich life, right in his very arms. He hasn't quit offering it, though I have pushed it away, kept it at arms length and, sometimes, refused it all together even though it was exactly what I needed at that very moment.

This Jesus of mine, He cares for me. He keeps me in his tender grasp, and even lowers me gently as I thrash to get on my own two feet. How could I ever believe He would forsake me?

My girl, she's rewriting my knowledge as a mother, expanding on it day by day. Eight kids into this gig and He's still using these tiny (and not-so-tiny) people to show me that He sees me as I see them. Full of life, hope, love, joy and rich in mercy. This love He has that I am so thankful never ceases. Just like my love for the most independent 12 month old I've ever met. He takes me, defiance and all, embraces me, welcomes me back time and time and time again until one day, the arms relax, the eyes lift and meet his and a smile creeps across my face. And joy is found when the struggling ceases.

A rare, tender, arm-not-locked moment.
Perhaps my most favorite photo of all time.

(Photo credit: Light of Mine Photography)

Jesus Storybook Bible Giveaway!!!!

I will begin this post by saying that I have not been financially compensated by Zonderkidz, Zondervan or any of its affiliates for any endorsement of their product. I heard through some webish grapevine that there is a new, boring law that could get me in trouble if I host a giveaway and do not disclose whether or not I have been financially compensated. I have not.

I wish I had. What a life, huh? Paid to give stuff away. Bring. it. on.

Mmmmkay. Now that those technicalities are outta the way...

I'm am SO STOKED!!! This will be a lengthy post where I overuse the italics feature and possibly too many exclamation points!!!!

Somehow, by the grace of God himself, I won several copies of the Jesus Storybook Bible Deluxe Edition. First of all, lemme just tell you what an incredibly, cool Bible this is. Then I will tell you how YOU have a chance to win 1 of 5 copies that I'm gonna give away, right here.

Oh yes people, I'm that fancy.

First of all, this Bible.

I LOVE it.

Yes, technically it is a Children's Bible.

Technically.

But I've never been one to classify myself by a mere technicality.

Our kids love this Bible, I love this Bible and Luke loves this Bible. It's fun to read, easy to understand and sparks some seriously great discussions with our oldest three children. It is beautifully illustrated and the author does an incredible job of taking every story in scripture and richly bringing it full circle, back to the miracle of Christ.

I'm tellin' you, that Sally Lloyd-Jones is magnificent.

Most times, when we read these stories to our children I get teary eyed. And that's just the plain 'ol regular version. You see, we've owned this Bible for some time now. My mom got each of the big kids their own copy a while back. It's been a frequent reading in our bedtime story routine for almost a year.

But this Deluxe Edition is something real special. It comes with 3 audio CDs where you can listen to this guy, who has an incredible accent by the way, read with passion and all those fancy voice inflections that your English teachers always wanted you to do in school.

It's superb. Just superb.

Check out the Jesus Storybook Bible's website to see samples of the stories and hear excerpts of the audio CDs. (I tried to steal some of their photos and such, but they've got it all copyrighted and blocked. Darn those big wig publishers and their fancy, schmantsy computer nerds!)

I promise you won't be disappointed if you check out their stuff. Some stuff, like downloads, are even FREE.

Okay, so onto the Giveaway, right?

Up for, er, giveaway are 5 copies of the Deluxe Edition Jesus Storybook Bible. Each copy includes:

1 Deluxe Edition Bible in Hardback
3 Audio CDs of the stories included in the Bible
1 case to store your new Bible treasure
1 promise from yours truly that this will become your new, favorite family Bible (and isn't that worth more than the other 3 combined? No? oh well...)

I PROMISE you will want to win one of these sets.

You have several options to enter the giveaway. Here they are, in no particular order.

Option #1. Read my post about Run 4 Revolution. Then, click here to donate $5.00 toward ending child sex trafficking and to support the International Justice Mission. Once you go to the Run 4 Revolution site, scroll down and click on "Sponsor" on the left side of the page.

For every $5.00 you donate, you get an entry. (For example, if you donate $15.00 that is THREE full entries.)

If you are thinking of going all in and purchasing 7 or more entries, you can simply click here and join Run 4 Revolution for the low, low price of $35. You'll get lots of cool stuff, support a great cause (one that is currently awaiting it's 501(c)(3) status) AND you'll get TEN whole entries for the price of 7. That's a bargain people, and you all know how I'm all about bargains.

And, the best part is, you DON'T HAVE TO BE A RUNNER TO JOIN. It's simple, really. So grab a donut and click away peeps.

Please be sure to put "Bible Giveaway" in the text box when you pay via Paypal. And it probably wouldn't hurt you to double up and shoot me an email me (beaverbunch (at) gmail (dot) com) telling me you've donated and how many entries you purchased. My friend Lindsey will be checking on the R4R side but just to be safe, email me too.

Option #2. Read my post about Run 4 Revolution. Then, YOU blog about Child Sex Trafficking AND Run 4 Revolution. You must link to the Run 4 Revolution website somewhere in your post. You'll get bonus sprinkles if you use the logo by swiping it from their site. Sprinkles don't count as entries. They just look good.

Come back and leave a comment giving me the URL address of your POST.


Option #3. Read my post about Run 4 Revolution. Then, put the Run 4 Revolution widget on your blog. You can see what it looks like by checking out my upper right sidebar. It's super cool and super easy. Simply go here, copy that funky looking text/code at the bottom of the second box and paste it into an HTML/Java Script Gadget in the Layout section of your blog.

Come back and leave a comment giving me the URL address of your blog.


That's it! Three incredibly simple ways to enter. You can gain an entry into the giveaway by doing EACH of the things listed above. However, you will only win one Bible. Sorry folks. If you don't have a blog, well, sorry. Looks like you'll just have to purchase your entries OR start a blog ASAP and get to bloggin'.

Entries will be accepted until Wednesday, November 18, 2009 at 11:59pm EST. Winners will be announced the following week.

The retail price for the Deluxe Edition Jesus Storybook Bible is $24.99 and can be purchased by clicking here or on your favorite retail site, such as Amazon.

Good luck! Let the RACE begin!

I'm Not Who I Was

Last Saturday we had a yard sale. Okay, actually we carried all our stuff out onto our driveway, let it sit for about 6 hours, sold twelve $1.00 items, carried it all back into our garage then ordered pizza.

Successful we were not. Anyway, I spent most of my time "preparing" for the yard sale in the weeks preceding it by sorting through old boxes and looking at pictures that I had not seen in years. I found letters from old friends and photos of me and people that I had not spoken to in nearly a decade. The trips I took down memory lane brought smiles, fears, tears and much thought.

My past, well the past prior to my marriage, isn't one that I always enjoy remembering. Sure, I have great memories with wonderful friends. But overall my memories, particularly the ones I have from high school, are tainted. They include pain from broken relationships, less than desirable (but unfortunately true) rumors about my dating life and recollections of never being good enough.

Wait? Doesn't everyone feel the same way about their time in high school? Maybe. But maybe not. You see, when I got the invitation via email last year for my 10 year high school reunion I knew that there was no way in you-know-where that I was going back. Ever. I couldn't click delete fast enough. But let me make it very clear, it isn't because of shame that I refuse to go to that place. It isn't because I feel like I'm better than the folks who still live in my hometown or because I think that part of my life was pathetic. It's not that it all.

The truth is, I'm not who I was. I'm different now. At the time, I saw no reason to not do the things I did. I saw no reason to not have sex with the guys I dated or allow my body to be put on display for whomever to see. I saw no reason to live my life for anything but pure, selfish pleasure. My only fear was getting caught by my father, which actually happened anyway.


But looking back at those photos I realized that I was so broken. I was so lost. I could fix everything myself and if I couldn't, well I just pushed it to the back burner and hoped it would resolve itself.

You see, I'm not who I was.

I am changed. For as long as I could remember I wanted, desperately, to be rescued. I'd watch romance movies and just cry because I wanted that dramatic rescue from a man who would love me forever for who I was. That man never came. Sure they allowed themselves use of my body and tried their best to live up to my high expectations. But they couldn't fill the void. They couldn't rescue me in a way I needed. They let me down.

Finally, I realized a rescuer wasn't coming. I loved Luke and when you love someone and you're out of college you get married so that's what we did. Life was good. Sure it had its bumps but in general it was good. But the longing never faded. I still wanted the dramatic rescue, the unfailing love and the risk of a man losing it all just for me.

Then it happened. I met my Rescuer. I don't remember when and I don't remember how but I remember knowing that it was a Rescue of unfailing proportions. He did it, for me. He knew I wasn't the girl I was. He knew the girl I was going to be. With one mighty display of love, He rescued me in a way that I could never imagine. He wiped away all the sin, shame and scars from the life of a decade past.

And now, I'm not who I was.

It's Not My Job To Understand

I knew when I saw my Dad's number pop up on my cell phone that someone had died. My grandparents have not been in good health for a while now and it was because of their declining health that we visited Arkansas last Thanksgiving. So, it was natural for me to assume that one of my Dad's parents had passed when I saw his number. You see, my Dad and I have not had many conversations in the last several years. To say our relationship has been strained is a tad of an understatement.

Still, when my Dad told me that it was my step-mother that had died and not one of my grandparents my heart broke. Immediately I asked about my sister then all I could muster out was "Dad, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

I got in touch with Luke who was enjoying a rare guys afternoon out at the movie. He came home immediately and I began searching for flights.

The 4th of July holiday meant inflated ticket prices. The least I could get there for was $478. For that price, we could all go (by car). Luke and I decided over the phone that all of us would make the trip.

I called my Dad and told him I was packing at that we would be there some time the next day. "You don't need to load up all those kids in the car that long," he stated.

"Dad, I'm coming either way. If you'd prefer the kids not to come because they'd be in the way, I'm okay with that. But, it's your call."

"I'd love to see my grandbabies," his voice said with a crack. We hung up and I continued packing for the seven of us to make a last minute trip across the state of Tennessee.

At 9pm EST we pulled out. We drove all night while the kids slept, Luke and I taking turns sleeping. We arrived at my Dad's house a little after 8:00am CST.

The details of my step-mother's death are ones that I am choosing to keep private, but she did dies of natural causes in her sleep. My sister found her body the next morning while my Dad was gone fishing. I can't imagine the images that will haunt my sister's mind for the rest of her life.

She and my step-mom were close. Best friends, in fact. They were like two peas in a pod. My step-mom did a great job training up my sister to be a woman who loves the Lord. Both my sister and step-mom attended church regularly and were believers in Jesus. I know that my step-mom is dancing on the streets of heaven now, worshiping our Lord and for that I take comfort. But, my heart aches deeply for my sister.

She's 16 and not only lost her mother but her best friend. She's 16 and has the rest of her life to endure without her mother cheering her on. She's 16 and in her future lies graduations, weddings and the births of her children. She's 16 and has her entire life ahead of her, without the love and support that only a mother can provide.

But, with all of that said, I know that God is sovereign. I know that He knows His perfect will and how that includes my sister facing a life without her Mom. I can't begin to rationalize why God would allow my step-mom to die at this point in her life. I can't begin to understand why God knows that my sister will be closer to Him through it all. I can't understand because my mind is merely human and God's mind is all knowing.

But I can believe and I can trust and I can encourage and love her the best I know how from this far away. I can be on my knees, begging God to send her someone she can confide in, trust and fill a small piece of the void she must feel. I can beseech the most Holy God on behalf of my sister and dad and pray for His mercy and love to fill their hearts.

God is good no matter our present circumstances. I pray that you will join me in lifting up a hurting daughter before the King of Kings and a broken man who desperately needs a relationship with the One who can heal all wounds.

Thank you friends.

Easter

What does Easter mean to you? Is it about bunnies? Chocolate? Fake grass? (I hear there is edible grass now..seriously?) Is it about dyed eggs? Is is about a new dress?

While those things are nice (especially the chocolate part), Easter is about so much more.

Did you know that 2,000 years ago a man, a Savior, was resurrected from the dead?
Did you know that when his followers went to his tomb that they found it empty?
Did you know that this same man was crucified and buried just 3 days before?
Did you know that during that crucifixion that man, Jesus Christ, bore the sin of ALL men and women so that we can be made right with a mighty, powerful and just God?
Did you know that unless you believe in Him, that you will never be able to approach the throne of the God that created ALL things?

Did you know that if there was a ranking system of imperfect people, that I would be probably in the top 100? Seriously.

Did you know that because I have been justified in the eyes of God, through the life, death and resurrection of Jesus that I CAN one day stand before God and be worthy?

Did you know that you can too?

Did you know that He is the The Way and The Truth?

I know that there are many, many religions out there. But you know what? Religion doesn't matter. Ceremonies are not important. Sin is sin. Pride is pride. Mistakes are mistakes.

Easter isn't about bunnies, fake grass, chocolate or eggs. Easter is about the One who rose from the dead, who conquered death for the sake of all sin. That includes mine and yours.

Won't you join me in celebrating Easter? Won't you give God a shout out for a tomb that stands empty? Won't you ponder the love that a marvelous God has for you? Won't you join me?

Happy Easter, from a sinfilled daughter of a perfectly Holy King!

Rejoice! The tomb is empty!

Authentic

Maybe you've noticed that my blogs lately have been a little superficial. Well, not today folks. I found a blog and I have to tell you that because of this post and a podcast sermon from this pastor I've been shaken up a little. Both dealt with authenticity. Both made me question why I believe what I believe and why I do what I do.

Let me start with the blog. I found this blog through a tweet. As I read her words, I clicked on another post that she had posted formerly (that first link up there). In that post, Lindsay the blog author said...

Because let's be honest. To be involved in church and call yourself a Christian in this day and age puts an awful lot of pressure on you to portray yourself as a perfect person. You shouldn't wear too much makeup. You shouldn't go to a bar and have martinis. You shouldn't curse. Your blog had better not have a tacky word in the header like ass; it should have hearts and flowers and blinkies on it, and Bible verses in the sidebar. You get major bonus points for living frugally and homeschooling and banning all radio in your house and car except the local Christian music station.


Ouch! Is that me? Am I this woman she is speaking of? I would hope that those of you who know me personally know how incredibly flawed I am. Those of you who see me, speak to me and really know me, well, you know that the imperfections follow me like a pile of stank. But what about others? What about the people who haphazardly come across my blog or meet me in public? Do they see me as fake? Am I less authentic with them because they just get a snapshot of my life?

Yes, I have Bible verses in my sidebar and even in my header. Yes, we homeschool our kids. Yes, I only listen to Christian music. I hardly ever wear make up and I try VERY hard not to use profanity. But "pressure to portray myself as perfect"? Hardly.

Do you want to know why I do the things I do? I hope so, because I'm going to tell you.

Do you want to know what drives me to put Bible verses on my sidebar and in my header? Because I'M SO FREAKIN' LOST. I seriously have no clue. I need constant reminders of what I am suppose to be striving for. I need the everyday glance at something that might, hopefully, ressonate within me, causing me to stop and remember my God. I need those Bible verses. Trust me, they are not there for YOUR benefit.

Do you want to know why I homeschool my kids? Although I am finding more and more reasons, the biggest is this: I'm a control freak by nature. When I taught public school, I always thought that all the other kids would have done better if they'd have been in my class. Egotistical much? Geesh. I don't think that anyone else could possibly educate my kids better than me. Not that I think I'm the smartest person alive, but I mean, I DO have a degree in Education. If the state says I'm good enough to educate kids, then why not just teach my own. And hey, at least if I screw them up I only have myself to blame.

Profanity? This is an ongoing battle for me. I am getting better, but I still have my days. And that doesn't mean that the words still don't come into my mind, I'm just better at controlling them. The reason I try not to curse? Because if I truly have a spirit living in me that is holy and blameless, how can I even attempt to portray that with f-bombs flying out and obliterating everything around them?

Why do I only listen to Christian music? Because it's all I can listen to. No, my car radio is not stuck on KLOVE. A friend of mine once said, "Songs remind me of people and times in my life...sort of like a soundtrack to my life."

I couldn't agree more. Music evokes emotion with in me. If I hear a song about being in love, I suddenly feel more love for my husband. If I hear a song about children and growing up, I cry thinking about my kids being grown. If I hear a song that takes me back to my college days, I remember the guy I was with, the way I felt about him and how hurt I was when he broke my heart. Those thoughts lead to other thoughts and eventually I am headed down a path that does not support strengthening my marriage...if you catch my drift. For me, music = memories. Some of those memories are safe, others are not. Because of the poor choices I made prior to my relationship with Luke, I cannot take the chance that I might hear a song and think of another man. My heart is not yet able and I doubt it will ever be.

Bars? Martinis? Personally I think that bars reek of cigarette smoke and I don't like martinis.

Too much makeup? Who has time for makeup? I'm lucky to shower everyday.

Lindsay said that women who seem to do/don't do all of these things fit into a "sorority", a sunny one. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not angry at Lindsay. In fact, I totally understand where she's coming from. I think her point is that sometimes, Christians seem less that totally authentic. Which takes me back to my original thought.

Am I authentic? Am I transparent? Do other people think that I am attempting to appear blameless and perfect because I claim to have Jesus?

I am not perfect and I pray that I am authentic. The truth is, because I am flawed and imperfect, it is exactly why I need Jesus, why I need him desperately. It is because of those times in my life when I was a free-spirited floozie and the days where f-bombs control my mind that I need Him so dramatically now.

I choose to surround myself with scripture, Christian music and other Christians not so that I can mask what I truly am, but so that I can strive for what I'll never be.

I can never claim righteousness because it is a quality that I will never hold. I pray that through my life and this blog that everyone would not see a woman who is faking perfection, but a broken girl, who wants so desperately to be seen as remarkable woman because of the One who holds her up and encompasses all perfection.

Love, Without Condition

Our week in the mountains was one filled with relaxation, remembering why I fell in love with Luke (that very first time) and rest. However, there was one predominant theme throughout the entire trip. I remembered why I fell in love with my God (that very first time) all over again.

I remember the first time I truly understood that I was important to the Creator of the universe. I can't tell you where I was, or what I was doing, but I remember the humbling, earth shattering feeling. I realized that this God, the One that made the heavens, stars, earth and everything within it loved me, with abandon.

He chose to love me, before I was ever lovable, and sacrificed more than I will ever comprehend just so I can spend eternity with Him. Just typing those words makes tears well up in my eyes. He cares so much about me. This week I was reminded of that time and time and time again.

During my quiet time one morning, He made sure I understood just how much. I was flipping back through a notebook that I keep that is partially full of notes from sermons and Bible studies. I found some notes from Romans Chapter 8:31-39. It grabbed my heart, once more. Since I stink at journaling (hence one of the purposes of this blog) I did not date this original "journal" entry. My guess, from other notes and such, is that I originally wrote it around Thanksgiving of this past year. Here is what I wrote (Edited only with brackets so that you can follow my jumbled mess. It's a little all over the place):

Although I am so full of sin, this sin that makes me feel as if I'm unworthy to even approach the Throne [of God] and ask for forgiveness~I know that since I have the spirit within me - there is nothing that I can't humble myself before God and make right. There is nothing I can do or have done to deserve it anyway [God's forgiveness], so I should approach, repent and be cleansed. Because God gave his Son, why wouldn't I think that there is anything else He would spare to give me all I need (v 32).

(v33) God himself gave me the right standing with him. Although I feel so far from Him right now, I am told that nothing, nothing can separate me from His love (v 38-39).

As I stood in awe of the beauty of untouched nature this past week, God reminded me again, just how much He cares for me. Tiny, inconsequential, speck of the universe...ME

I watched water rush over rocks and sticks and dirt. I saw that each rock, both great and small, was perfectly placed so as the water rushed over it, true beauty was shown. I saw tiny buds of life beginning to form on frozen limbs. I witnessed the peace of a roaring stream and I allowed my soul to get lost in the majesty of a forest.

You see, this same God who so carefully placed each rock, drop of water, tree and branch, He also, with the same care, placed me here and crafted me with even more delicacy. His love for me poured out so richly, so that I too can reflect His majestic glory. As I soaked in all of The Maker's craft, I was reminded of Matthew 6:26.

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

Yes, He cares for me so much. And if He took this much time to carefully design and create the beauty of nature, how much more must He love me? The answer was breathtaking. Each rock and stream so meticulously placed for our pleasure. His love is so abundant and I am so humbled.

And, the most surprising part yet?

He loves you, and me, just the same, whether we choose Him or not. His love is not conditional. He is beckoning us to love Him, to the best of our sinful ability, so that He can reveal Himself to us piece by piece, drop by drop and moment by moment.

In the peace of the woods, I thought about this post. I thought about the words I would say, hoping to convey the love that I saw, so elaborately displayed for all to see. And, I prayed. I prayed for each of you, reading this, that you would be touched to your core. That you would taste and see for yourself. That you would realize, if you haven't ever before (or maybe realize all over again, as I did) just how much He loves you and that He is beckoning you to come and feel the power of a love, without condition.

Questions Attempted: Redeemed By Grace

My attempt at answers are from questions left in the comment section of this post.

I sorta felt like these next questions go hand in hand so I'll attempt them together, yet separately. Also, I am going to try not to use "Churchy" words because before I was a follower of Jesus, those words were a HUGE turn-off. Let me know how I do with that, mmkay?

Once again, please remember:

1. The thought of answering questions and defending my faith makes me nauseous. Not because I do not believe, but because I am afraid of misrepresenting the One who is perfect and blameless.

2. I am not a theologian. I have never studied Greek or Hebrew and I have not attended seminary of any kind (I knew you all were wondering). This is the BEST that I can do with the limited knowledge (and jumbled Mom brain) that God has given me.

3. If I don't answer your questions it's because, well, I DON'T KNOW.

4. I do not claim to represent any specific denomination or church "sect." What I can tell you is that I am a believer in Jesus Christ, that He is indeed the Messiah and that His blood has the power to wash away all sin no matter how great or small. I've seen it in my own life.

5. Please, I'm begging you, remember that I've only been a Christian for 5ish years. I'm still just a baby. If you see an error in something I have said, please feel free to comment and correct me. However, please also back it up with Scripture. I will also use Scripture to emphasize my points.

----------

First up:

Courtney, in an effort to save a little space, I'm going to paraphrase your question. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

The general gist of your question was:
There are a lot of good people in the world. My experience with "churchgoers" and "Christians" is that some of these people do not fall into my category of "good." So, how can Christians say they are getting into heaven but claim that other, basically good people (who are not self-identified as Christians), are not? (Okay, maybe I didn't shorten your question.)

I SO struggled with this in the past. And now, knowing what I know, I still struggle (if not even more) with this, just in a whole new way. But, I must remember that the Bible is 100% the word of God and so it is there that I find my answers.

The book of Romans is amazing at outlining what it takes to get to Heaven. Anyone who gets bogged down with the speech of the Bible might try The Message version (it has helped me to understand parts of the Bible that I might have otherwise never understood).

Romans is written by a man named Paul (who used to be Saul...gotta love the name changes). When Paul was still called Saul, he hated Christians. He often witnessed and helped lead them to their deaths. However, he had an extreme encounter with the Son of God and from that day forward, he believed in Jesus as the Savior.

The book of Acts was written by a man named Luke. Luke was a doctor that traveled with Paul, recording the things that he saw along the way. I love Acts Chapter 15 because it so clearly talks about salvation and what must be done for it to be obtained.

Basically, Paul and another man named Barnabas come upon some people teaching Gentiles (non Jewish people) that they must be circumcised before they can be saved. Also, these other teachers were trying to convince the crowds that in order to retain their salvation they had to obey the Jewish (Mosaic) Laws. Paul and Barnabas believed differently, so the church decided to send them to the council in Jerusalem to ask the apostles (the disciples of Jesus...the 12 men who were his closest confidants) and elders about obeying the law and circumcision as it pertained to Gentiles.

(You still with me? I'm getting somewhere, I promise.)

Okay, so Paul and Barnabas arrive at the council and someone stands up and says, "The Gentiles must be circumcised and required to obey the law of Moses." (verse 5) Then Peter, who is like the leader of the disciples - now that Jesus has ascended into heaven - addresses the group saying the following:

"God, who knows the heart, showed that he accepted them [Gentiles] by giving the Holy Spirit to them, just as he did to us. He made no distinction between us and them, for he purified their hearts by faith." (Acts 15:8-9)

So that's it! Faith. Faith that Jesus is the Savior, and trust in Him. Here's how that ties back to Courtney's question...

Good people exist, but I think we would all agree that NO ONE is perfect...no matter how "good" they might be. However, true salvation is not dependent on how strictly we follow a law or how "good" we are in the world's eyes. True salvation comes ONLY through belief in Jesus Christ as the Son of God. Again, I SO struggled with this when I first became a Christian. I knew (and still do know) so many "good" people. It made me sad to think that because they had not confessed Jesus as their Savior that they would not be in Heaven with me one day.

However, here is the flip side of that. I am a generally "good" person. Yet, I'm not good enough. God is a just God. He requires purity and blamelessness and holiness before we can ever even be in His presence (this is also something I used to have issue with...before I was a Christian...but that's another post entirely).

I can NEVER be good enough to be in God's presence, no matter how many "good" works I do, or how many other people think I'm "good." I'm still prideful and bitter and jealous and just down right sinful. So, what's the solution? Jesus. Jesus lived a perfect life, a life without sin. Because He did, and He chose to die for all people, we all have "pass" if you will. He took the blame for all sin, so that God could remain a just God, yet we can be allowed in His presence one day.

If you ask me, I'm sorta glad I don't have to work to EARN my way into Heaven. Whew...I'd never be good enough.

Which leads me to....

Kristin's, and GK's and Chasity's questions about suicide.

Suicide is a sin. Afterall, one of the Ten Commandments is "You Shall Not Murder." And, killing of oneself is, certainly, murder.

However, if we are going to keep with the Ten Commandments theme, let's keep looking. Some others on that list include, in no such order: (and I'll say "check" if I've done them)

Adultery (check): later in scripture it talks about lusting after someone other than your spouse and that such lust is considered adultery. Yep, done that.

Steal (check): Seriously. If you haven't ever stolen anything, you're a liar.

Honor your Father and Mother (check): Or rather, I HAVEN'T always honored them...and most of the time, I still fail to do this.

Misuse God's Name (check): I think we are all clear on this one, I don't need to elaborate.

No Other God's Before God (check): I've certainly put some things before my relationship with God.

Don't Give False Testimony - aka..don't LIE - (check): and refer to stealing if you think you don't lie...and yes, little white lies count.

Don't Covet (check): Once, when I was in middle school, I wanted this girl's Kriss Kross tape so bad I stole it. Double whammy....stealing AND coveting.

Now, I'm not trying to make light of the 10 Commandements or suicide, but I think if we reflect on what we know about God and what we know about sin, the answer is clear.

We are saved by grace, through faith in the Savior (Ephesians 2:8-9). If a person truly believes in Jesus Christ, has proclaimed his/her faith and has a transformed heart, then NO SIN is going to separate them from God's love and mercy.

If suicide means, for a Christian, immediate death and eternity in hell, then you are going back to "faith by works" (see my reply to Courtney above) rather than "faith by grace."

Again, if you see an error, please feel free to comment, but also use scripture to prove your points.

I pray that you will see my attempts at answers for what they are, a simple lover of the Lord, trying her best to show others how wonderful HE really is.

Please, find out answers for yourself. If you don't have a Bible, and you'd like one, please email me at beaverbunch (at) gmail (dot) com and I will mail you one. Also, don't forget about Bible Gateway.com.

Many, many blessings...

Court Anyone?

Just a reminder that tomorrow, we go back to court for Baby Girl's Disposition. DSS is recommending Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) and Adoption. However, I found out on Thursday that the judge that is on the bench is the same judge I posted about here. She is none-to-fond of DSS and often sides with birth parents to a fault.

Above all, Luke and I know that God is in control of tomorrow's proceedings. If you feel led, please pray that all goes smoothly and that Luke and I feel at peace with finally seeing Baby Girl's birth mom. However, most importantly, please pray that Baby Girl's birth mother will be receptive to the love of Jesus Christ and the letter that I wrote her. Maybe she's never heard of Him, or maybe she has but she doesn't think He can do anything for her. At the very least, I pray that her heart is receptive to the redeption that only He can offer.

Thanks for journeying this with us.

His Marvelous Mercy

On Monday, we go back to court for Baby Girl. At that time, it is certain that we will get to see her birth mother. And although that makes me incredibly nervous, I also feel some compassion for this woman. Let me elaborate.

Sitting in that court room on the Thursday of Baby Girl's Disposition was no easy task. Hearing all the things that she went through while still in the womb was heartbreaking and, quite frankly it made me very angry at the woman who would do this to MY baby.

However, over the course of the last week or two, my heart has begun to soften. I know that Baby Girl's birth mother is bound by sin. I know that she suffers from addiction. I remember my life before I knew my Lord deeply and intimately and it wasn't pretty.

I wondered if birth mom thought about her precious baby and wondered how she was doing. I had my doubts because she's only seen her twice in the 3 months of her life.

Then, earlier this week I got an email from Baby Girl's social worker saying that she'd received a letter from birth mother requesting a picture. I knew that we'd be in court in just 1 week, so I told the social worker I'd bring it then.

As my heart and mind has mulled over birth mom's request, I've thought about what it might be like to be in her shoes. I've prayed over my actions regarding his request and felt the Holy Spirit move me to tears, aching for this mother and the hearbreak she must be feeling.

So last night, as everyone in my house slept, I sat in the darkness looking at my Baby Girl and I typed the following letter to her mother:



Dear Ms. [Smith],

I'm sitting here, watching [Baby Girl] sleep, listening to the sounds of her breathing, knowing that if I were in your shoes, I'd want to know how my baby is doing. So, first let me tell you that the purpose of this letter is not to make you feel bad, or judged, but simply a letter from a foster mom to a birth mom about how her baby is doing and what she's been up to over the last 3 months.

[Baby Girl] is such a precious little girl. When I picked her up from the hospital on October 13, 2008 I had no idea how much I would grow to love your precious daughter. She is beautiful in every way, as I'm sure you would agree.

[Baby Girl] still sleeps a lot, waking up about every 3 or so hours (during the day) to eat and for "conversations" where she flashes a heart melting smile. She smiles with her whole face, opening her mouth wide and sometimes even giggling. She loves being talked to, sung to, cooed at and, mostly just held. She loves to sleep swaddled all up, with a pacifier securely in her mouth.

She's a good sleeper, already sleeping through the night. She takes her last bottle somewhere between 8 and 9pm and then sleeps until 5am or so.

She has a unique personality and from the very beginning has been more responsive and cooed more than any baby I've ever seen. Her beautiful eyes scan your face, really checking out the person who is holding her. She is very alert (when she's awake) and even now, as she is sleeping, she makes soft noises that are so sweet. Even the doctor said at her newborn visit that she was an alert baby. She even smiled at the doctor at just 5 days old! We were all so amazed!

She is growing pretty well, and at her 2 month check up she weighed 9 pounds 11 ounces. She had gained 1 whole pound since her last weight check just 2 weeks before!

The top of her head still smells just like a new baby and she still has a lot of that same soft hair that she did when she was born. She lost her belly button stump just a week after she was born, which also surprised us.

She can be a little particular with her likes and dislikes. She DOES NOT like one bit to be cold, and she will let you know by crying pretty loud. However, once she is warm again, she calms down quickly. She doesn't like having a dirty diaper, but she also dislikes having her diaper changed. I guess one day she'll realize that she can't have it both ways!

She has a little bit of eczema on both cheeks that we are treating with cortisone cream. It is working really well and the eczema patches are getting better every day. She also has reflux which caused her to spit up formula out of her nose. The reflux also made her cough, but the doctor prescribed some prevacid, which she takes at night before bed and it is helping quite a bit. I have noticed that she isn't coughing hardly at all anymore and the spitting up has gotten a lot better.

[Baby Girl] also has some issues with constipation. However, 1 ounce of prune juice in 1 bottle a day takes care of that problem really quickly. Man, can that girl poop when she gets going!

[Baby Girl] is a very easy going baby. She is content to sit and watch our other children play. She gets lots of hugs and kisses from our 2 year old daughter, 2 year old son and 4 year old daughter. She loves to be in the swing, watching and "talking" to the other kids.

When she first came home from the hospital she wanted to sleep with the light on and sitting propped up. She would have it no other way!

She is precious and beautiful and perfect.

I wanted to share with you about [Baby Girl] because I know that I would want to know these things about my baby. I also want to share with you WHY we chose to become foster parents. Our goal was NOT to steal other people's babies, or even to feel good about ourselves.

We followed through with becoming foster parents because of our relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ. We felt, very strongly, that He was calling us to become foster parents. As we prayed, read our Bible and talked with other people, God confirmed for us that this was something we were suppose to do.

I haven't always been a Christian, though. I had some very hard times in my life during high school and I have made (and continue to make) a lot of mistakes. In fact, it wasn't until I was pregnant with our oldest daughter in 2003 that I really understood what it meant to know God. When I realized that I had a baby coming, I knew that I couldn't be the person that I wanted to be all by myself. I needed help. I couldn't find that help from any person here on this earth. I felt like something was missing, and that something was God. Through pure mercy, God allowed me to be saved through the life, death and conquering of that death by His Son, Jesus Christ. Being "saved" doesn't make me perfect, but it does make me forgiven and redeemed from an eternity separated from a God who whole heartedly loves me. It's more than going to church on Sundays or being "good" its about trying my best to live the life I know God wants me to live and being able to break free from the things that continue to pull me down. I have had struggles and I still do, but God is the one that helps me through.

I am not claiming to know your situation or your view on religion or God. However, it is my prayer that if you do not know who Jesus is, that you will seek Him with your whole heart. I know that a life with Jesus can bring you and [Baby Girl] back together again. Being a Christian doesn't mean that you will never have problems, but that when problems come, you can find strength in God and a desire to push through them.

Basically, I just wanted you to know that there is a God who LOVES you, more than you could ever imagine. He is REAL and powerful and He desperately wants you to know Him. It is because of His love and His work in my life that I am able to love myself and other people. It is because of Him, that when I look at your precious, sweet and perfect [Baby Girl] that I am able to love her as much as I love my own birth children. I can promise you that it is not anything special within me, but the power of Jesus Christ who has captured my heart.

I am praying for you and [Baby Girl] and that you will know that she is being cared for and loved, until you are able to see her again.

Many blessings,

Jessica
[Baby Girl's] Foster Mom

Can I just tell you that it was the hardest letter I've ever written? You see, I know the power of having the Savior in your life. I know that this could change everything. I know that He can redeem her from the life that she is living. I know that this could mean letting go of Baby Girl one day.

Therefore, I'm begging for your prayers. Please pray, along with me, that she receives this letter for what it is, my heart reaching out to hers. Pray that the spirit with which I wrote this letter is pure, good, honest and Christ filled.

You see, I'm not sure about my intentions. Yes, I desperately want her to know the love of the Savior. However, another part of me hopes that if I show her Christ's love, then she will see my heart and know that Baby Girl is in the best place, therefore relinquishing her rights immediately. I know it twisted.

Please believe me, that above all else I desire for Baby Girl's mother to live life fully surrendered to the Lord. But, a small part of me wants her to do that AND allow me to be Baby Girl's mother.

So as Monday approaches and I hand this woman a chunk of my heart, please beg the Lord to prepare her. Pray that He begins to draw her to Him, that she feels the ache in her heart that only Jesus can fill and that I water a seed that has already been planted.

I know it's not by accident that I feel this way. Today, as I drove the kids home from gymnastics, I heard the DJ read the following scripture:

So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.
James 2:12-13

I love it when God is so clear, don't you? It's all about mercy.

Thanks for the prayers.

Merry Christmas!

I know I haven't posted much lately. Along with they busyness of family time and going from here to there, I've had a lot on my mind and in my heart. I promise to roll it all out to you soon.

However, don't think for one second that I'm not excited to celebrate the birth of the Greatest King to ever live!

I pray, that above all else, you will find true joy in the greatest gift we can receive, Jesus Christ.

Merry Christmas to you all!

A Lesson In Solar Energy

I sat on my porch last night in the bitter cold, in the silence, wondering why I felt so yucky. I sat there, wanting to talk to God but not really knowing what to say. I had a million thoughts yet no real thoughts swirling around in my mind. Finally, one thought came into my mind and stuck,

"Why wasn't I a light? That whole week, why wasn't I a light?"

When we moved into this house the one thing that bugged us was how dark the front walk way became at night. For Christmas last year, my grandmother bought Luke some solar powered lights to line our sidewalk (she is oh-so thoughtful...and practical). As I sat there last night I noticed one single light that was still lit. As I watched it fade, I noticed that none of the other solar lights were on. It was late and had been hours since the sun had set. I wondered why that ONE was still burning. Then God told me.

That ONE had spent the most time in the sun.

I had my answer. With no time in the Son, I cannot be a light. I thought about the weeks that led up to our vacation and even the week of. I had spent little to no time in the Son. Is it really that simple? Yes, it is.

Tonight, I went back out onto our porch. None of the lights were shining. It had rained all day today. No time in the sun = no light. Just when our walkway needed it most, on a cold, wet night, those lights were useless because they hadn't spent any time being recharged.

Again, I heard God say; You can be the vessel, equipped to carry the light, but without time in the Son, you will only sit in darkness.

I came in and opened my journal. I had left off at Romans Chapter 8. I began to read and just as He always does, God showed me the answers as to why I felt so yucky, so sinful and so unworthy of His forgiveness.

Paul (the guy who wrote Romans) said basically (this is my own version) that I am continually fighting a battle between my own sinful nature and the God-placed spirit that lives within me. There is NOTHING I can do to deserve to approach the Lord and ask for forgiveness, nothing. However, God chose to forgive me long before my sins ever even came to pass. He did that in the form of His Son, Jesus. If God was willing to sacrifice His only Son for my sins, why was I sitting here, wallowing in my yuck? I'm not worthy to approach Him but He is willing to and ready to forgive.

God himself gave me right standing with Him, it wasn't anything I did. Although I feel so far from Him right now, I am told that nothing, NOTHING can separate me from His love (Chapter 8 v. 31-39). So what was I waiting for? I begged God to forgive me for being so self-righteous and for wallowing in my yuck.

When I looked back at my Bible, I saw Romans Chapter 7. True to His comical nature, I began to read EXACTLY what I have been struggling with. I mean really...if Paul, the author of several books of the Bible felt this way, clearly I'm not THAT abnormal (at least in this regard). Paul says,

"I know that I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it.

It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law (here he is speaking of the commandments God gave Moses..I think) with all of my heart. But there is another law at work withing me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."

~ Romans 7:18-25 (emphasis mine)

Those sinful desires that captivated me during my vacation? Oh! They are right here too..right in my own home where I've built my bubble. They are with me at Wal-mart, when I change diapers, when I'm angry at my kids and when I snap at my husband. They are always there.

You see, I am just like those pesky solar lights. The amount of light I produce is directly related to the amount of time I spend in the Son. In the days leading up to or vacation, my Son time was non-existent. Accompany that with the emotion and trials that presented themselves while we were gone and I was not equipped to shine, much less fight.

Please do not read this as a cop out. I'm not excusing myself or saying that it's okay. But like a very WISE 11th grader recently reminded me, guilt is not of God. This guilt I've been carrying around isn't from Him. It's whispers of lies from the enemy. So, my plan now is to soak up the Son in a way I've never done before. I will pray for endurance because that smelly old sinful nature will find ways to hold me back.

Hopefully, the next time you see me I will be shining brightly....maybe even Son burnt.

Whatever You're Doing

Since Thursday I have had an ongoing conversation with myself, in my head (and outload but only when I think no one is around). It goes something like this:

"You know taking Baby Girl is crazy?"

"Yes, I do, but I CAN love her. I already live in chaos, what's one more?"

"But you do know that you won't have ANY time for ANYTHING, right?"

"This is my mission field. We were called, we answered, this is part of His plan."

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Basically, my brain goes back and forth from proclaiming me crazy to pure delight in my Lord for being allowed to serve Him in this capacity.

Tonight I was driving home and although I've heard this song a few times before, it hit home tonight. As I listened to the words, the tears began to flow. I particularly love the chorus when they talk about how it feels like chaos in side, but "somehow there's peace." I feel the chaos with the peace and I am humbled that God would choose us. I know it's heavenly.

Whatever You're Doing
by Sanctus Real
(If you'd like to listen to the song while you read the lyrics, right click here then left click on "Open Link In New Tab." Select "play" on the first song on the list.)

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

I got the lyrics from this website.

Better Than Ezra

I may not have much time, as the kids could wake up any second, but I HAD to tell you how amazing my God is!

First, let me confess...

I haven't REALLY opened my Bible in about 3 weeks. Yes, shocking I know. I mean, I'd picked it up, read a Proverb but not really studied. Trust me, I could tell in my day to day life BIG time. Anyway, my God is so redemptive and so forgiving. When we found out about Baby Girl last night it was almost dinner time. I put the kids' food on the table, strapped everyone in boosters and went to our bedroom and closed the door. I got on my knees and begged God for forgiveness.

Why? Why would He continue to use a woman who had not sought His face in so long? Why? As I type those words, tears flood my eyes.

For the rest of the night, Luke and I wrestled with whether or not to take this newborn Baby Girl. I will go into details later (hopefully) about the whys and why nots, but for now, let me continue about the amazingness of my Father.

Baby D slept so well last night and at 7:00am I woke refreshed from 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep (that in itself could prove God's goodness, but He wasn't done yet). I KNEW that today of all days I could not go without the Word.

I grab some coffee and my Bible and begin with Proverbs 10 (since today is the 10th). After that, I flip to the New Testament, the part of the Bible I understand.

Instead, I think "Ezra."

Now, let me just tell you that I have read the book of Ezra, oh.....NEVER. Why then would God lead me there?

I go to the front of my Bible to find where in the heck Ezra is in the Old Testament. Ezra found, I begin to read. Let me tell you, Ezra is true to Old Testament form in that is it INCREDIBLY hard for me to read. But, I press on.

Something in Chapter 1 flashes in front of me. Then there it is again. In verse 1 then again in verse 5 it references the stirring of hearts. First God stirred the heart of Cyrus, then of the priests and Levites. I knew that feeling, because my heart had been stirred.

I skip past all of the lists in chapter 2 but not before I understand that these lists are a record of the families that returned to Judah from exile. They were counted. At the end of of chapter 2 Ezra talks about what each family is giving to help rebuild the temple. One line jumps off the page, chapter 2 verse 69:

"each leader gave as much as he could"

Last night, as Luke and I discussed the Baby Girl, we asked ourselves "How much can we give?"

Wait! It gets better!

In Chapter 3 the people rejoice over the foundations being laid. Our home has a firm foundation, and I rejoice in Him.

My biggest concern in taking Baby Girl is the new questions that will arise. I don't feel emotionally equipped to deal with the questions and negative remarks from outsiders and family. I just don't think I can handle it again.

However, because my God is so awesome, He knew what I needed this morning. In Chapter 4 they begin to see opposition to the rebuilding. In the margin of my Bible referencing verse 4 it says:

I DO NOT GIVE IN to those who seek to frighten or discourage me from serving the Lord.

Then again in the margin of Chapter 5 referencing verse 5:

I DO NOT STOP working for the Lord, even if others seek to frighten or discourage me.

Really? That clearly, huh God?

(As a side note, if you KNOW our family personally, I encourage you to look up Ezra Chapters 5 & 6 and see why I gained additional encouragement.)

I continue reading through Chapter 6 and I realize that this story is starting to sound familiar. Could it be? Could this wall be the same wall?

Because I clearly do not have the books of the Bible memorized I quickly flip to the end of Ezra. There, I find the final confirmation I needed from my Savior this morning. You see, at the end of Ezra comes another book on rebuilding that same wall. The book of Nehemiah.

Our Pastor, Michael did a sermon series right after we got Baby D. His sermons and the words in the book of Nehemiah were COMPLETE confirmation that we were, in fact, doing a good work and we must not stop.

To you all, this may be jumble and coincidence. However, I don't believe in coincidence.

For me, this morning was complete confirmation that us taking Baby Girl is right. That Baby Girl will bring more work to our family. That Baby Girl will bring less sleep, more bottles, more diapers and more tears.

However, she carries with her the hope of our ministry that we call our home. She brings confirmation that the road that follows Christ is one that is steep, rough and sometimes very, very hard.

But, having faith doesn't mean you bail out when the going gets tough. Instead, you hold on to what you know to be truth. You lean on the One who provides comfort and you open your heart to receive His countless blessings.

You rest in knowing that you can be a total mess up, not open your Bible for weeks, and still have the love and mercy of a Savior who can speak to you through the jumbled pages of a book you've never even read.

When

When I hold him and smell his head, he is mine.

When I feed him and snuggle his nose, he is mine.

When I take 25 pictures just so I can get 1 of his precious smile, he is mine.

When I watch him sleeping in my arms, he is mine.

When my mind drifts off to the place where I think about my kids and how I would save them should something crazy happen in our house, he is mine.

When he cries and no one can comfort him but me, he is mine.

When he smiles and coos and gives me the biggest grin ever, he is mine.

When I'm tired and frustrated because I cannot wash the dishes or sweep the floor because he wants to be held, he is mine.

When he feels warm to my touch and I worry about him being sick, he is mine.

When I hear him crying because he's hungry but I can't stop the car to feed him, he is mine.

When I hold him close, just to feel his chest rise and fall and see his sleepy smirks, he is mine.

Yet...

When the social worker comes in the morning to take him for a visit it stings and I am reminded, he is hers.

When I sit in court and watch her show pictures of him to all of the social workers it stings and I am reminded, he is hers.

When we sit in an agency review and she holds my son it stings and I am reminded, he is hers.

When I hear the judge and every attorney in the room recommend reunification as the best plan for this family it stings and I am reminded, he is hers.

When the phone rings and I hear the voice of the GAL/social worker/etc. on the other end of the line it stings and I am reminded, he is hers.

Through it all...

When no one else can comfort me and I feel like giving up, He is there.

When I hold this precious boy and cuddle him praying for them to let him go, He is there.

When I hurt so bad knowing that they don't care enough to fight for him, He is there.

When I think about all the things that will unfold and the promises I've already heard, He is there.

When all else fades and I stop and remember that all of my children are really on loan, He is there.

He is always there.

Going Public

Today I had the privilege of watching my 4 year old daughter boldly proclaim her faith in front of 500+ people. If you've been following my blog, you know that almost a full year ago Elizabeth prayed to receive Christ. However, because of my shallow faith, because of my lack of understanding, because I couldn't see her faith with my own eyes, I didn't believe her. Today, she was bold, today I could see, today I witnessed true believing.

Since Elizabeth had spoken with Bailey, we knew that she truly understood what it means to have Christ within you. Therefore, we asked her if she was ready to take the next step. We asked her if she was ready to proclaim her faith openly. The service we attend is the largest service time at our church. On a crowded Sunday, there could be as many as 700 people in the Multi-purpose Building (I'm really guessing. It could be 500 or so, I stink at guessing numbers).

During the time of invitation, Elizabeth did not waiver. She courageously walked in front of all of those adults and talked with "Pister" Michael about her decision. Along with 3 other people, she was presented to the church and after service was greeted by all of our friends and church family. It was an awesome thing to watch and I fought tears most of the afternoon. Just as Luke said on our way home from church,

"It's so awesome to know that we will get to spend eternity with our daughter."

I couldn't agree more.

Today also sparked a lot of thought. Why is it that Elizabeth needed to proclaim her faith? Why is that needed? What's the point? Is she more saved if she does this? Is it jut for show? I dug into some scripture and here's what I found.

1. Scripture commands us to speak that Christ Jesus is in our heart. The confession of our tounge, the act of willfully saying it, makes it true. Romans 10:9-10 says,

That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

See it? Right there is says, that in your heart you believe and with the confession of your mouth you are saved. Yes, she had already confessed it to me, Luke, Bailey and anyone that asked. But going public means more than just telling those you already know, it means telling people that you've never met. It means facing challenging situations and having the courage to speak it, outloud. My baby did just that.

2. I want her to be bold in her faith. As a beliver, I don't claim to know all the answers. Crap, sometimes, I look at opposing arguments, science and other things and wonder why I believe what I believe. Then, I have to dig to find answers. However, the first step is being bold. Knowing what you believe because it's real and alive and living within you. I like how it is explained in Colossians 1:27b-28:

And this is the secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory. So we tell others about Christ, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all the wisdom God has given us. We want to present them to God, perfect in their relationship to Christ.

What an awesome thing to know a secret that gives you assurance. What an awesome thing to know that it isn't really a secret! It's meant to share!

I'm such a proud momma today! I'm proud of my little girl for knowing that Jesus is, in fact, real and alive. For understanding that He lives within her.

I'm humbled that God would allow me to witness such an extraordinary event in my child's life. I'm humbled that God used Luke and I, as minuscule as our role was, to show her His love. Thank you Lord, thank you.

Good Company

Tonight we had the privilege of getting to know some new friends. As I said in my last post, I am unable to go into great detail, however these friends have a special link to Baby D. They too are foster parents with our county. Being with them, hearing their encouraging words and knowing that they totally understand strengthens my spirit.

Have you ever met someone and instantly had an unspoken, maybe even un-identifyable connection? I experienced that tonight. As Luke and I shared our hopes, disappointments and frustrations these folks offered support like no one else could. Once again, God confirmed that we are in the right place doing the right thing. I took a few pictures and I wish desperately that I could post them. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell you all the story of Baby D, his connection with this special family and show you some precious pictures. Until then, I pray desperately for God's will, hoping it aligns with the desires in my heart.

SK,
As we were talking tonight, this went through my mind. I know it was put there by our Creator:

Mother and child are not bonded by the womb,
but through her heart.

Thank you for encouraging me.

-----

Last night, I scribbled this in my journal. As I watched the children tonight, I was reminded of it:

Because I'm your mother:
*I check on you each night before I go to sleep.
*I cover you up so you won't get cold.
*I tell you about Jesus and His sacrifice for us.
*I love your father, even when I don't like him.
*I miss my favorite TV show, and lay with you so you aren't afraid.
*I know when you're feeling bad and I can see it in your eyes.
*I'd rather hold you when you're sick, even if it means smelling like puke, snot or worse.

Because I'm your mother:
*I pray for you each day, with each breath I take.
*I pray for your spouse. That he/she will love the Lord an serve Him with all his/her heart.
*I remember each picture stored in baby books and I know the reasons they were taken.
*I vividly relive the day of your birth over and over again. My eyes well up with joy at each thought.
* I remember the day we brought you into our home and the way my heart felt complete.
*I wish you could stay young and innocent for ever, never seeing the true cruelty of this fallen world.
*I can pick your voice or cry out of a crowd.
* I know when you need me.

Because I'm your mother:
* I serve myself last.
* I willingly endure heartache so that you will not feel hurt.
* I eat cold meals.
* I wake up, even when I want to sleep.
* I wipe snot, butts and eyes and kiss boo-boos with pure joy.
* I wear spit-stained shirts.
* I will rock and hold you, even though there are dirty dishes, piles of laundry and filthy floors.

Because I'm your mother:
* I have a purpose in this life.
* I see a clear need for my Savior, His grace and His mercy.
* I'm more alive than I've ever been.
* I smile with just the thought of you.

Because I'm your mother:
* I praise my God from whom the blessings of you came to be.
* I thank Him for the miracle of your life.
* I love wholly.

Searching Her Heart

First of all, thanks for all the encouraging words, emails, calls and comments regarding my last post. I appreciate you all so much and I feel incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such supportive friends.

My sweet Elizabeth, her heart is so tender. Those of you that know her personally can attest to her compassionate nature, her desire to please and her focus on detail. Lately, Luke and I have really noticed her focus on God, heaven and salvation. Before I get to the recent details, let me take you back almost 12 months.

We still lived in our old home (we just moved into our current home last October), and I was putting Elizabeth to bed. She was just over 3 years old at the time. We were doing our normal bedtime/story routine and she asked me a question about heaven. I gently tried to explain that not everyone gets into heaven, only those who have Jesus in their hearts. I asked her if she knew how to get Jesus into her heart. Eyes wide, she looked at me and shook her head from side to side. I remember it so vividly, her big blue eyes searching my face while blond curls bounced on her pillow. I told her,

"Well, you have to say a special prayer letting Him know that you love Him and you know you sin, but you want to be better. You know that Jesus died on the cross for your sins and you want Him to live inside you, forever."

We had talked about Jesus before. She knew about the cross. She understood that Jesus was God's son. As a smile crept across her face, she looked at me so matter-of-factly and said, "I need to pray that Mommy."

I wasn't sure that she really understood. I didn't think her 3 year old heart could get it, but I also knew that I couldn't discourage her from praying to a God that is so real to her. At that moment, she repeated after me as we recited a version of the sinner's prayer. With "Amen" she sat straight up, wrapped her skinny little arms around my neck and squealed with delight. Her reaction was pure joy.

Flash forward several months to this past November. Pastor Michael was preaching about something that I cannot recall at the moment. At the end of his sermon two people (both of them people Elizabeth knows) came on stage. As Michael sang, "East to West" by Casting Crowns, Melinda and Chris, on opposite sides of the stage, begin to paint the hands of Christ. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: "Elizabeth, do you know what they are drawing?"

E: "Hands."

Me: "Do you know who's hands they are?"

E: "God's?"

Me: "Yes."

We watched a little and she saw the blood and hole on Chris' painting.

E: "Why his hand have a hole in it?"

Me: "Because that's where the nail went thru when Jesus was nailed to the cross."

E: "How he bleed for?"

Me: "Because it made him bleed to be nailed on the cross."

E: "Did it hurt?"

Me: "Yes."

E: "Did it hurt real bad? Did it burn?"

Me: "Yes, but Jesus isn't hurt anymore because when he went to heaven he didn't feel any hurts."

E: "Why did Jesus have to bleed?"

By this point the song is ending and Melinda is really starting to draw the blood from His hand.

Me: "Jesus had to bleed so that we could go to heaven. He did it because he loves us."

E: "Did he bleed real bad?"

Me: "Yes, but he did it for us and he doesn't hurt now."

At this Elizabeth got so upset she wanted to leave service. In the lobby we had to pray for Jesus' boo-boos.

Now, jump with me to a few months ago when our church took quarterly communion. As the bread began to pass, I explained to her that she couldn't participate because it was special for people who had Jesus in their heart. She seemed fine with this and kept coloring. However, as she watched everyone around her (minus a few kids sitting nearby) take the bread, she asked again why she could not. When I told her once more that it was only for people who had Jesus in their heart, she boldly proclaimed, "But Mommy, I do have Jesus in my heart. Don't you remember?"

I struggled through the rest of communion. As tears welled up in her little eyes, she desperately searched my face for confirmation that I believed her. The rest of the afternoon she reminded me of how much she loved Jesus. One specific comment she made shook me to my core. I asked her, "Elizabeth, how do you know Jesus is in your heart."

Her answer? "Because Mommy, I can feel Him."

Now, back to the present, or somewhat present. Just days before Elizabeth turned 4 she began telling me that she didn't want to grow up. She's said this a few times before but I've mostly just blown it off as being silly. However, this night in particular she kept on and on. I was putting her to bed (do you see a pattern of bedtime discussions here?) and she kept insisting that she did not want to grow up. I told her all of the things that big 4 year olds get to do that little 3 year olds don't get to do, but it didn't suffice her.

Finally, I asked her, "Elizabeth, why don't you want to grow up?"

"Because, I want to live with you and Daddy forever."

"Well, you can live with us as long as you want. Even when you're old." (I sorta had my fingers crossed here.)

Once again, the response of my 4 year old took my breath away.

"But Mom, what if God calls me to someplace else? What if he wants me to go somewhere and help other kids?"

Seriously? How do you reply to that? I just stood there, for what seemed like hours. Finally, I said, "Well, if God calls you someplace else honey, he'll prepare you're heart and it won't hurt quite so much."

After that conversation I walked into our bedroom and looked at Luke. We talked for a long time about whether we thought that Elizabeth had truly accepted Christ that night, almost a year ago, lying in her toddler bed. How could she understand it all? How could she believe? Then it hit us, we don't even get it. We don't nearly get it all. Who are we to decide if she's saved?

Psalm 139 is a favorite of mine for many, many reasons. The entire Psalm talks about the condition of the heart. As I read it and think of my precious girl, I see these verses in a new way:

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
verses 1 - 2

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. verses 23-24

Thank you Lord for already knowing the condition of her precious little heart. Search if fully Lord, so that she may be fully and completely consecrated to you.

PS-We have plans for her to talk about her salvation with someone outside of her family. It's less about us trusting her and more about getting to the true condition of her heart. I have many, many more thoughts about this, but I'll have to save those for a later post.