Baby Girl's Court Update

Today was probably one of the hardest days we've faced so far in this journey. Here is the best way I can describe it to you:

Imagine sitting in a cold, hard room. With you are familiar faces, but no one you know who is a true ally. The person being discussed is someone you love dearly, someone you know you'd give your life for. Someone you have grown to cherish and dream about. Someone you have prayed over, cried over and hurt for. Now, imagine those familiar faces speaking about this person you love. At first, they begin by saying things you already know. Times this person has been hurt. If you're thinking of your child, it would be like them discussing a skinned knee, maybe a broken arm, or a fall that left a nasty bump on their head.

Then, they move on to talk about the person who had inflicted hurt and pain on your loved one. They discuss all the ways that this person has hurt other people. Those ways are the same as the ways that this person has hurt the one you love.

Now, imagine sitting there and being blindsided with information you never knew existed. Imagine them talking about harming your loved one in ways that are similar to torture. Imagine them discussing how your child has been abused, neglected and put in dangerous situations. This is more than skinned knees, bumped heads or broken arms. Now we are talking about REAL danger. Danger that comes with a death sentence. Danger that you know should have killed them. Danger that makes your heart break in half and ache for them in a way you've never known possible.

As I sat there in that court room this morning, listening to the things my precious Baby Girl has already endured in her lifetime, I lost all composure. The tears flowed freely and even now, as I write this, hot tears sting my eyes. During the adjudication, as the investigator spoke of the ways my child has been abused, she would glance up and me, but I saw no pain on her face.

I can only imagine that these people who work daily with abused and neglected children have become hardened. I see how it might shock them to see a woman, struggling to maintain some sort of composure, hurt this badly over a child she did not birth. I managed to only squeek out silent tears within the court room walls, but as soon as Luke and I stepped out of the courthouse, I lost it, we both did. As we stood there, both of us crying, shaking and holding each other, we mourned over the thought of having to tell our sweet Baby Girl all of the things she had to endure before she even drew her first breath.

Today we only had the Adjudication. Birth mom did not come to court. We return to court on January 12th for the Disposition, at which time DSS will recommend to the court Termination of Parental Rights (TPR). While I am thrilled with this decision, my heart remains heavy as I now know more than what is probably digestable.

Thank you for your prayers today. I know that the grace and mercy of the Lord carried us through and will continue to prove Him faithful in all things.

You hem me in- behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Psalm 139:5-6