Anything but common

I love the ESV version of Acts 10:15. “And the voice came to him again a second time, "What God has made clean, do not call common."

Specifically the fact that the Lord references the unclean, or unholy foods, as “common.”

Is it just me or does it cross anyone else’s mind that they are just....common?

I’m a common Mom, living a common life. (Yes, I know we have 6 kids. For us, that’s common.)

Or maybe for you, you’re just a common person, working a common job. Your job isn’t fancy and you’re a creature of habit. You have worn the same shirt to bed since 1983 and you like it that way. By all standards set by the world, you’re common.

Or maybe you’re a rockstar during the day, but when you come home, your house is normal, your food tastes the same as everyone else’s and really, your life is just.....common.

Heck, even Clark Kent was common when he wasn’t leaping tall buildings with a single bound. Right?

But you know what? I think the enemy whispers the same lie to all of us, no matter what day job we hold, no matter how many kids we come home to, no matter what our salary is or how flashy the car is that we drive. No matter if you flip burgers for a living or flip out $100 bills to pay for your breakfast.

It starts as we begin to feel the Lord drawing us to a closer relationship with Him. We see clearly that God is calling us to be set apart, to walk differently, to speak on a more candid level about our faith, to love the people around us that are really hard to love.

For each of us, this calling is different yet deeply personal. Maybe God’s calling you to start a lunch time Bible Study at work. Maybe He’s asking you to walk across the street to that cranky old lady and be her friend. Maybe He’s nudging you to tell that family member, who rejects everything about the gospel, the truth of your relationship with Him. Maybe He’s moving you to increase the size of your family. Maybe He’s beckoning you to the mission field.

For whatever God is desiring for each of us, He equips us to accomplish His work with scripture, confidence and authority by the Holy Spirit. Secure in our new task, we cinch up our pants, take a step out onto this new ground and the lies begin.

“What are you doing? You can’t do this. Why do you think you can? Don’t you realize that you are nothing special? This is huge and you’re just so.....common.”

And it occurs to us that maybe we are just a common person. Fear grips us, the idea of radical change baffles our minds and we become sold on the lie that we are common.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

When God meets us where we are and invites us to know Him in a deep and intimate way, we shed all things common about us. We shed the sin of our commonality and our past self. We shed the inability to be used for the glory of the Lord.

In essence we become quite uncommon. In Acts 10:15 the word common is used interchangeably for the word unclean. And I’d like to assert that when we buy into the lies the enemy so fervently yells in our direction, we are also buying into the lie that we too are unclean.

My friends, if you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, nothing could be further from the truth. And do you see the amazing parallel between being unclean and being common? Whether you consider yourself unclean or merely common, you are placing yourself in a position to accomplish nothing for the glory of God.

The truth is, whatever God is beckoning you to at this moment it is worth pursuing. Don’t let the enemy’s lies of your worthlessness, your uncleanliness and your commonality rob you of the joy found in obedience to God’s purpose for your life.

Flee from a common life. And when the enemy begins to whisper to you the lies and pains of your past and tries to convince you that you cannot possibly accomplish all that the Lord has laid out before you, remind yourself that you are anything but common.

Because, “For what God has made clean, do not call common.”

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Chime in and see what else is being blogged about over at the Summer Session blog. And if you're reading along, how's your Summer Session Reading going?

here to there

The hacking, wet cough echos through the house. I lay perfectly still and try to keep the bed from creaking so I can discern exactly who is making the wretched noise.

I fumble through the medicine box that we keep in the cabinet above the fish tank. 1 teaspoon of medicine fills the syringe. I shuffle back upstairs and gently rouse my red-haired girl, coaxing her to swallow.

Even in the darkness of night and the fog of my tired brain, I ask myself, "Will it be like this there too? What if I run out of meds when the kids are sick and don't have time to go to the city to get more? Is it like here where I can just run out and get more?"

Fevers plague the next day. I talk to my Mom who rushes chicken and rice soup to our aid. It warms our tummies, unclogs our noses and brings immediate relief to these nagging colds.

She won't be there. Neither will her soup.

How can I do it without her? Tears burn my eyes.

I open the package of noodles and pour them into the boiling pot. Repeat 4 more times. As the pot boils I know it won't be this easy there.

Drain the water. Add the chicken flavoring.

Nope. It will be much harder there. No Ramen noodles for an easy lunch. And sandwiches? Rarely maybe. Especially if I'm making my own bread.

It's 5:30 and Luke's on his way home already. Dinner hasn't even crossed my mind for the day. Breakfast for dinner is an easy fix. Quick. Satisfying. Easy. The frozen mist of the freezer blows in my face as I search for biscuits.

None.

I remember the book I bought at Candidate Week and grab it from the bookshelf. "I'll just make my own biscuits. Just like I'd do there. Can't be that hard, can it?"

Dang it. I don't own a sifter. Or cream of tartar.

Fine. I'll make pancakes and bacon. I grab the sack of premixed pancake mix and add water, from our tap.

"I can't use tapwater there, can I? Not for pancakes. I'd have to boil the water first. Ha! I won't even have premixed pancake mix!" I look at the recipe for pancakes in my cookbook. Yeah, that'll take more than 30 seconds to make.

Water rushes from the kitchen sink's tap. Clean, drinkable, cookable water.

here.

there.

With nearly every step of my day, I try to wrap my mind around what life will be like there, in comparison to how it is here. I can't. How do you wrap your mind around the barely known? How do I begin to understand the severity with which my world will be rocked?

It's cold outside so I make myself a chai for the ride. I grab my Bible, my Marriage study book, the keys and my bag. I kiss Luke goodbye. I drive to her house, pick up my BFF and we head to the coffee shop. Four of my Bible study girls are already waiting in our little room in the back.

I sit and soak in their presence, glad to be with my girls. 3 more walk in. We laugh. We talk about life. We understand each other. We pray.

They won't be there either.

None of it will be the same as it is here.

How will I make it? How can I go and leave this all behind?

How can I NOT go? How can I stay here knowing they are there, needing to know about Him?

Daily, often minute by minute, it's a struggle between what's here and what's there. Knowing what I'm leaving here and longing for what will happen there. Praying that He will provide the peace for what I'm leaving here and the courage to face the unknowns that live there.

And I find it not at all coincidental that the only difference between the words here and there is a cross.

here
there

Do you see that? Do you get it? Let me know when you fully grasp what that means, friends. What does that mean for you? Where is your here? Where is your there? How does the cross take you from one place to the other?

My heart aches for Africa, yearning to be in her midst and working with her people. But I mourn for what I know I'll miss. The people I love. Not the stuff or the convenience - though those things are nice.

here
there

The cross got me here. Now it's taking me there.

She gets me: a link to another crazy family

I stumbled upon a post today that resonated with me so deeply I wanted to yell out loud, "Yes! Yes! YOU GET ME!"

Click here to read about a family with NINE kids following God's call to serve in a 3rd world country.

This is one of the (many) parts of Amy's post that made me sit back and recall the promises God has already made to our family.

We have been brainwashed our entire lives by the lies of this world.

We are brain washed into thinking we have to be strong enough, good enough and smart enough and do it on our own.

We have been brain washed into thinking it's all about us.

We have been brainwashed into believing that money = security.

We have been brain washed that we can ‘control’ our lives and our futures if we make the right plans.

All lies.

Because the truth is, no matter who you are and how much money you have in your savings account or what plans you have put into place for your future- one thing you will never have control over in this life- is death.

You and I, we will die one day and there is nothing we can do to change or control that. Whether it be tomorrow in a car accident, 5 years from now from cancer or 15 years from now serving the Lord in a 3rd world country- when God says our time is over- it's over.

Radical faith people. Like Amy, I'm TIRED of being a lukewarm Christian. I'm tired of saying I believe the Bible yet only picking and choosing to live out the easy parts.

Click here to read all of Amy's post. You don't want to miss it. I promise. We've faced the same resentment, the same comments, the same rudeness and downright hurtful things that their family has faced as well. The enemy is attacking us folks, and I fear that the worst is yet to come.

And thanks to Christine at Smiles and Trials for the link.

It was exactly the encouragement I needed today. EXACTLY. Thanks God.

Identity

This is a video our sending organization, Africa Inland Mission (AIM), produced about the Identity of AIM and what their purpose is in Africa.

The good news is that Luke and I HAVE chosen an assignment! The bad news is I'm not at liberty to discuss it with the interweb just yet. (Soon though!)

Until I can tell you more, enjoy this video and know that we will be doing something very specific and very dear to our hearts and I'm so STINKIN' excited! God is GOOD y'all. Actually, He's better than good.

Identity from AIM On-Field Media on Vimeo.

If you'd like to join with us in what God is already doing in Africa and become a part of our support team, you can email me at beaverbunch (at) gmail (dot) com. Please put SUPPORT TEAM in the subject line.

Y'all have a great Monday!

More is required

I'm having trouble thinking of something noteworthy to blog about lately. I mean, I think of posts, sit down to write and then......nothing.

I'll be honest it's hard to wrap my mind around words lately. Mostly because not everyone in our life is thrilled about us going to Africa. And it weighs on me. Heavily.

BUT.

Then I read posts like this one by my friend Tracy and I just can't sit and say nothing. Seriously. Click here right now and read it.






I'll wait on you.










Staggering isn't it?


That is 4,333 Elizabeths

4,333 Lucases

4,333 Ashlees

4,333 Aarons

4,333 Olivias

4,333 Ellas

Combined. Dying. Each and every day.

From PREVENTABLE diseases.

For us, taking hope to the world looks like moving to Africa, partnering with nationals and teaching them of the saving power of Jesus Christ and empowering them to make life changes for their families and for their communities.

What does hope look like to you? How will you respond?


When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.

- Luke 12:48 (New Living Translation)

Here I am

It's becoming real.

We are really going on the mission field.

To Africa.

And the truth is, that lately, I've asked God, "Are you SURE?" about 7,493 times. Each time He's assured me that each step we are taking is within His desires for us.

I want to share with you something I wrote, nearly two years ago, on February 24, 2009. This is the 4th in a series of posts I'm publishing from a private blog where Luke and I have journaled our calling to Africa.

The others are titled:

From the Darkness (This isn't from the private blog but is the introductory post leading into the others.)

The Initial Cry

He is calling, just like before

And while I could never fully summarize every single reason we feel called, these old posts that I'm publishing are the highlights. Below is certainly one of the bigger confirmations that God revealed to me. I've only modified it slightly, so that it makes sense to you. I'd also like to add that I am grateful to the Father for now giving me a hunger for His word, even when we are not in the midst of a trial.

Thank you for taking this journey with us.

-------

Originally posted on February 24, 2009 on our private blog:

I really stink at remembering scripture. Generally I can remember roughly what the verse says, but never, ever (or very, very rarely) can I remember the reference (book, chapter, verse). Let's just say that Bible Gateway is my hero.

This is not the case for Isaiah 6:8. Back in November of 2007, we were still getting settled into our new house. I had felt the stir for more children for a few months, but I was NOT all about getting pregnant again. Puke was not appealing to me, especially with 3 kids 3 and under. One night, Luke turns to me and says,

"You still think about doing foster care?"

I looked at him in disbelief. We had discussed this almost a year earlier, but when Luke quickly nixed it, I all but forgot about it. Where was this coming from?

The next day I called our county's Department of Social Services and asked for some information on foster parenting. Then, I dove into my Bible. You see, I have this major, major flaw. I usually ONLY stay consistent in the word when I'm having a crisis of belief in my life. In January 2007 I grew and grew and grew spiritually because I wanted desperately to sell our old house, but I knew it needed to be God (and Luke) led. Now, here I was faced with another crisis, the decision to foster.

As I dove through the word, soaking up everything the Lord was showing me, I began to feel that familiar pull. Missions.

At the same time we were becoming closer with some friends. Our bond with them grew as did their call to missions. Just as we began to form a serious kinship, they pulled us into the basement of our home one night and revealed to us their calling to missions, specifically Kenya. Chris outlined every reason why they felt led to go and I wept, knowing that good friends were moving so far away and also for the tremendous display of obedience I knew I was about to witness.

That night solidified for Luke and I our calling to foster. We knew, without hesitation, that God used them to teach us about obedience. We proceeded with fostering, certain that our obedience to God would be blessed.

Sometime during our initial decision making about whether or not to foster, I felt drawn to the book of Isaiah. Never, ever had I read Isaiah (other than as a cross reference). Desperate to find 3 types of confirmation (Godly Counsel, Scripture and Prayer), I began to look at scripture with fresh eyes.

One night I felt the Lord saying, "Go. Start with Chapter 1 and read until you see it." So, I did. I began in Isaiah Chapter 1 read and read and read, not really understanding much, but desiring to find that one piece of scripture that made it all make sense. Suddenly, I started to feel pulled. Only it was a duel tract, with one branch taking us to fostering and the other to the mission field.

Then, I saw it. Isaiah 6:8,

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

I sat back in the bed and wept. I knew that we were being called to foster. Who else would go? However, something about this also SCREAMED missions. Foreign missions. The thought of going onto the mission field scared the bejebbers out of me, so I pushed it out of my mind and applied this verse solely to fostering. I knew in the back of my mind this was not the point God was making. But, you see, I'm one track minded like that. Why would He pull us two ways?

Surely missions was Chris and Lindy's area. Here I am Lord. I'll foster. But send Chris and Lindy.

Only a few days later, as we entered church on Sunday, God decided to get up in my business in a big way. We were running late, as usual, and as we walked into the back of the Multi-Purpose Building, where our church has our service, the lights were low and there were people lining the stage.

A spot light was on a single woman, and as the door behind me clicked shut I heard her say,

"God, I know you want me to go on that mission trip but that's not really my thing. And I'm scared. My sister Jane loves missions. You should send her. Here I am Lord. Send my sister."

The spotlight illuminated another person, a teenager I think, and he said,

"God, I know you want me to befriend that kid in my class. But he's weird God and no one really likes him. Plus, I have friends already. My friend Tim is really good at reaching out to people God. He should do it. Here I am Lord. Send Tim."

Person after person stood and gave an example of the Lord working on their heart. Whether it was to minister to a friend, go on a mission trip, be bold in their workplace or move in some area that they felt God calling. Then, at the end, they would close by saying,

"Here I am Lord. Send 'So-and-so'."

As I stood there, behind the crowd of people in the dark, tears rushed to my eyes and flooded my cheeks. I held back sobs and I felt conviction like never before. You see, this was EXACTLY what I had felt only days earlier. As I felt the pull to missions, I pushed it from my mind and said,

"Lord, Chris and Lindy are going. Send them."

I don't want you to think that I felt any less called to begin fostering because such is not the case. I know, without hesitation, that the Lord called Luke and I to fostering without wavering. However, He also began to stir in me another calling. A calling to a new place, when our first mission was complete. A mission that I am still trying to understand and one that He has been pointing to for years.

To use an excellent example from a friend, I have been Moses. A bush has been burning for quite some time, yet I have failed to see it or allow it to have my full attention. Well, my attention is here. I am seeing so clearly that these stories and stirrings in my heart are not random or misaligned. I'm scared. I'm anxious. I'm fearful. However, I know that when my Savior calls, I must obey. A life without obedience is a life not worth living. So it is with this fear, anxiety and fright that I boldly say,

"Here I am Lord. Send me."

I like to ramble until it makes sense

I still have so much I want to blog about regarding the last week or so. I was suppose to be in Arkansas today, attending my great-uncle's funeral. I was scheduled to leave, with Ella, yesterday morning at 9am. Then Wednesday night, I got struck with the worst stomach virus I've ever had. I've not been that sick in years. (And I've had my fair share of stomach viruses.) It was gross.

I called the airline yesterday morning at 8am, told them about my illness, and, by the grace of God, they fully refunded my ticket. I was shocked. I just knew they'd make a big deal about it and keep at least half of my ticket price. Nope. Not one dime. 100% refunded. And it was a non-refundable, non-insured ticket. Thank you Lord!

Today Ella is running a fever. I continued nursing her through yesterday morning's bought with sickness, hoping the antibodies I was building would transfer to her. So far she's only got fever and no symptoms of a digestive virus. Everyone else seems to be fine as well, occasionally complaining of not feeling well.

Anyway, I STILL want to blog about

....Ella turning 9 months old (Which would require me going downstairs and getting the memory card out of the camera. And that's not happening right now.)

...It snowed here. On Christmas. Like a HUGE snow. So we had a White Christmas. And I took no pictures. Mom of the year. Award me. Now.

....Christmas (which, who wants to read a Christmas post more than a day or two after Christmas? So this one I'll probably just let go of. Or back date it so that I can have it on here for myself. Oh well...)

....A really good Das Not Funny! Friday. Seriously, they've said some hilarious things lately. Okay, only one good one that I can remember in my weakened, chicken broth sustained state. We were riding home, through the ice and snow, from eating Mexican food on Sunday night (because that's what every family wants the day after Christmas, right?) and we were listening to Two Weeks In Africa by Caedmon's Call. The first two lines go something like this...

"Johannesburg to Capetown,
the plane had barely touched down."

And Ashlee exclaimed from the back of the van, as only Ashlee can, "CAKE TOWN!! I LOVE CAKE!'

....Where we are with making a decision with our Ministry with Africa Inland Mission (you can read more about our journey up to this point by clicking HERE). We've finally narrowed it to two solid options. (And as you'll see, clearly this is what I continue this post about. Glad y'all helped me sort through my thoughts. Thanks.)

I think.

Since our time at Candidate Week we've had anywhere from 5-15 options available to us at any given time. As we'd mark some off the list, more would be presented for us to consider. We've known immediately, with some, that they were not good fits for us. (Me + Islands = NOTSOGOOD. I have a strong fear of the Ocean okay. I know it's unrealistic. You don't need to make fun of me. Living in a place surrounded by Ocean would give me daily panic attacks.)

Most of our options are....wait for it...wait for it.... CHURCH PLANTING.

I know. We are still shocked by these assignments since that's not where we ever imagined ourselves being. At the onset of this calling to Africa we really thought we'd be working with orphans. And maybe we still might be. But, primarily, my role will be in our home, still schooling our children and discipling whatever women the Lord leads into our home in the form of house help (And can I just tell you how incredibly excited I am about that? More on that in another post). Luke will be the one out "working." Though, I'm sure, our family will be involved in whatever ministry he works with.

At Candidate Week we decided that Luke working with Children wasn't a good fit. You see, my man is AWESOME with kids, but they suck the life out of him like a deer tick sucks blood. If he spent all day with young kids then came home to our young kids he'd be DONE and have nothing left.

So we then set our minds on Youth Ministry of some sort. I mean, afterall, we LOVE teenagers. However, most of those positions were for teaching in a Secondary school. Again, not assignments that would be a fit for Luke. Finally, after much prompting from his loving wife, we went into the Candidate Director's office and Luke described for him what he envisions us doing in Africa.

After Luke's explanation the Candidate Director said, "Well, that's basic Church Planting."

We were shocked. Us? Church planters? Umm..okay. But the more we dwell on it the more we realize it might be perfect. We love people. We love discipling people. We love meeting in small groups and living our lives along side other families. We love sharing joys and struggles and life and building relationships.

We are looking at one more option that is not really church planting but the ministry is very appealing to us, as are aspects of the location.

And that's where we are. Basically, I've turned the decision over to Luke. I am praying for him as he weighs the pros and cons of each area and prayerfully considers each ministry. This isn't easy for me since I want to yell at him, "JUST PICK A PLACE ALREADY!!"

But my very analytical husband is meticulously and methodically measuring out each assignment, location and how he could be best used. It's one thing I love and loathe about him. But I feel confident that from this point forward it's his choice as to where our family will be. He asks my opinion every few nights and I resist the urge to spew forth all my thoughts and simply answer his specific question.

Hopefully, we will know soon. And as soon as we know, you'll know.

If you've made it this far in the post, thanks for letting me think on paper. And thanks for praying for us as you feel led.

Oh, and HAPPY NEW YEAR! I can't wait to see what 2011 has in store for us. Nor for all of you, who are radically following the calling that Christ has placed on your lives, too. Isn't it fun? And I mean the kind of fun that makes your scream at the top of your lungs for the whole ride, then when you pull safely in the station you think, "Man. That was awesome. Let's do that again."

I'd not have it any other way.

It's good to know that CRAZY has company

If I had a dollar for every time we've heard, "Y'all are crazy," well....let's just say our ministry would be almost fully funded.

Yes, I agree, we are crazy. But you know what?

There are others like us.

Sure those other families may look different and maybe they don't dance quite as well as we Beavers do. But they are crazy too. And I take some comfort in their craziness. These families are sold out for Jesus, serving Him radically in missions. And I'd like to introduce you to some of them.

(Click on their names to go to their blogs)

This sweet family are the Helsbys. We "know" the Helsbys through an ongoing relationship via email. They are serving orphaned and vulnerable children of Tanzania and they have SIX kids as well. We "met" them through Chris and Lindy since they stayed at Livingstone Guesthouse when Becky neared her due date with their littlest one a few years ago. Becky has not been afraid to be real, practical and encouraging to me through many, many emails. She's set me straight on things I thought I knew and tenderly encouraged me in areas where she sees my heart aching.

We are crazy, so are the Helsbys.

Then there are the Swansons. We met this sweet family the 1st night of Candidate Week. The first thing Geoff asked me was, "So, do y'all know where you are going?" When I said, "Not a clue" we both breathed a sigh of relief that neither of us had any idea where the Lord was leading us.

The Swansons have 3 kids, one of whom, Sophia, has a manageable, yet serious, medical condition. They are leaving for Namibia (pronounced: Nuh-mi-bee-ya) in 2012.

We are crazy, so are the Swansons.

Then there's the Bentz Family. They are current Africa Inland Mission (AIM) missionaries heading to Lesotho (pronounced: Lee-sue-two) at the end of December. They have 4 children. I don't know them personally but from reading their blog it's obvious they have been on a faith journey since their initial pursuit of missions.

We are crazy, and from the looks of it, so is the Bentz family.

We also met the Tuckers at Candidate Week. Their sweet girls (along with Sophia from the Swanson family) loved on our kids so much during that week. They let our kids join the "big kid" table and Elizabeth really assumed the role of teenager much too easily.

The Tuckers are leaving to serve with AIM Air in December of 2011. Their servants hearts were so apparent to us while we were at Candidate Week.

We are crazy, so are the Tuckers.

Also there's the Lockwoods. Again, I don't know the Lockwoods personally. They have TWELVE children and serve the people of Mexico. Jaynee writes with such love for the Lord and such a heart of service. Talk about people who are CRAZY! Twelve kids AND missionaries.

We are crazy, so are the Lockwoods.

And then there are other families we know that aren't what normal people would call "missionaries" but are, in fact, on their own mission field.

There's this family who adopted from Rwanda when the world said, "Why? You already have enough kids?"

And this family who fostered then adopted a son. And if that wasn't enough they are now fostering a teenaged boy and LOVING IT.

And this family who is adopting from Ethiopia when they too "Already have enough kids."

And this family who is fostering two little ones while their own kids are still "young."

And finally, this family, who just adopted their 4th child (and it's their 2nd adoption) from China. Both adoptions were special needs children. Both frowned upon by the world around them.

And so many others that I can't even begin to list them all. Folks I know planting churches in cities that border our own. Folks loving on kids, teenagers, adults, people with special needs and orphans and following God's calling to pursue something crazy and beyond their own ability.

We are crazy, and so are most of our friends.

I hope that if you are reading this and not feeling a little crazy that you'll pray about the area of your life that God wants, desires and dreams to use in a crazy way. And join our family and our friends in being crazy in the eyes of the world.

Apparently, we Beavers aren't alone in the crazy. It's so good to know that CRAZY has company. And what awesome company it is, too.

Radical: Someone worth losing everything for

Well, in the post below this one, I told you all that I would be blogging about Chapter 1 of David Platt's new book, Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream.

WOW.

About half way through chapter 1 (Which, by the way, you can click here to read for free. Just scroll down and enter your email address at the bottom.) I began wondering how in the world I'd summarize my thoughts after underlining (yes, I write in books) or journaling over half of what I'd read.

So for you math wizards, that means I'd found 1/4 of the chapter pretty earth shaking and I'd only read half of it. I don't know what mathematical formula I can produce to show you just how much I finally ended up noting, but it was A BUNCH. Put that in your calculator and crunch it.

Anyway, here are the things that truly stuck out to me the most...

Page 7, "We are settling for a Christianity that revolves around catering to ourselves when the central message of Christianity is actually about abandoning ourselves."

Um. Yeah. Wow. So very, very true. Why is it that as a Christian I try to cater my worship, my service and my devotion around ME? Shouldn't I be catering everything around Jesus and how my life should glorify Him? Yes, yes I should. I'm a selfish beast, apparently.

Page 13, David Platt (DP as I will call him from now on because I can and I'm lazy) is talking about how we, as Americans, make Jesus into a nice, middle-class Jesus. "A Jesus who doesn't mind materialism and who would never call us to give away everything we have. A Jesus who would not expect us to forsake our closest relationships so that he receives all our affection."

(I really should probably just quote all of page 13. Or you could just BUY THE BOOK.)

Anyway, after saying how we are changing Jesus from what the Scriptures say about Him to a middle-class American Jesus, DP says the following, "But do you and I realize what we are doing at this point? We are molding Jesus into our image. He is beginning to look a lot like us because, after all, that is whom we are most comfortable with. And the danger now is that when we gather in our church buildings to sing and life up our hands in worship, we may not actually be worshiping the Jesus of the Bible. Instead we may be worshiping ourselves."

(Emphasis added by ME.)

Holy stinkweed. I'm pretty sure that DP reached off the page and slapped me across the face with page 13. I mean really, do I REALLY love the Jesus in Scripture? Do I REALLY love the man who told me to forsake everything, everything to follow Him? Forsake my husband? Forsake my kids? Forsake being totally and utterly comfortable?

Do I really love THAT Jesus?

I'm not sure that I do, honestly.

And I am currently praying that God cultivates my relationship with my Savior so that I love the real Jesus and not the one I'm comfortable with.

PS: If you haven't bought this book, you should at least download the first chapter and READ PAGE 13. I'm just sayin'.

Moving right along...

Page 17, DP is talking about when Jesus told the rich man to abandon his possessions and give to the poor. DP says, in reference to that scripture, quoting it even, "'Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.' If we are careful, we can misconstrue these radical statement from Jesus in the Gospels and begin to think that he doesn't want the best for us."

And that's where I got kicked in the teeth. If I really believe what the Jesus of the Bible says about being a follower, shouldn't I already know that He has my best interests at heart? Shouldn't I realize that even though it seems excruciatingly hard for me to sacrifice my own life, for one sold out to him, that in the end I am getting the ultimate best for me. Afterall, Jesus loved me enough to pay my ransom, wouldn't He know what is best for my life?

Finally, on page 21 DP writes in regard to the rest of his book, "We will look at the core truth of a God-centered gospel and how we have manipulated it into a human-centered (and ultimately dissatisfying) message. We will see a purpose for our lives that transcends the country and culture we live in, and we will see our desperate need for his presence to fulfill that purpose in us."

"...and in the end we will determine not to waste our lives on anything but uncompromising, unconditional abandonment to a gracious, loving Savior who invites us to take radical risk and promises us radical reward."

I don't know about you, but the thought of radically abandoning my own selfish desires, my own comfortable life, for one that will accomplish the purposes of Christ is SCARY. It shakes me to my core. It brings tears to my eyes and lump in my throat. What if God asks me to do something HARD? I don't wanna do anything hard!

Following the Jesus of Scripture could cost me everything I hold closest.

But what's my alternative? To live a comfortable life worshiping a Jesus that I've crammed into my middle-class world? Is that really even worshiping Jesus or would I then be worshiping a false god that I've created?

Truly I see no choice. If I say I believe in Jesus Christ as the atonement for my sin, then I have no choice. If I say I know that Jesus took my burden, paid a ransom for my life, and I love him within the depths of my soul, then I have no choice.

Radical abandonment to Christ is the legacy I want to leave. Following the Jesus of the Bible is my only hope.

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What did you think about Chapter 1? I can't wait to hear your thoughts!

I feel the need to clarify

Did you read this post and this post and this post?

If so, I feel like I need to clear the air a bit. I know that several people who actually know us IRL (in real life) read my blog. I also know that, of those people who know us IRL, some are shocked by what I'm saying here about the direction and future of our family.

But I'm going to be very honest here. I don't know why it's so shocking.

For the life of me I can't figure out why the possibility of us moving somewhere that the Lord is leading us to is shocking. Truly, if you've been reading here for any amount of time or if you've pilfered (wow, that really is a word?) through my archives at all, you would (hopefully) see that we are trying desperately to obey and follow the Jesus that we proclaim to love. And, if you DO know us IRL I'd hope that when you see our actions that they would be consistent with what my words on this screen are saying.

Do we mess up? Yes.

Do we slip and fall and make huge mistakes? Absolutely.

If you know us intimately, do we often say or do things that aren't like Jesus? Without a doubt.

Truthfully, we've never claimed perfection. I pray that we've never come across as "holier than thou" in our interactions or, even more, hypocritical. If you've known us for any length of time, I sincerely hope that you've seen us change. I hope you've seen a dramatic change in our words, in our actions and in our lifestyle.

But, even with those changes we are still going to make mistakes. Despite trying to live in obedience to God, despite trying to allow His Holy Spirit to work within us to make life altering changes, we will still falter.

If we never failed or made mistakes (or never admitted to them anyway) then we would be claiming perfection. And claiming such would be in direct opposition of what we know to be true. Only One was perfect. Only One lived a blameless life.

He is the reason we are choosing to live this life filled with uncertainty and craziness. Only because of Him and the dramatic life changes He has performed within us are we willing to abandon the normalcy of our culture and cling to the words that He left for us to follow.

No, we are certainly not perfect nor do we have it all figured out.

In this post I said that we had a burden for Africa and her hurting children. In that same post, I said that we were feeling called to missions. But if you will also recall with me, I also told you of my ultimate fear. I told you "I was afraid that I'd say something then it would never come to pass and then I'd look like a stupid Christian who blindly follows some pie-in-the-sky God who really doesn't speak to people."

I'm still afraid of that. What if I mess this up? What if I do this God thing wrong and no one ever comes to know the Lord through my life? But then, not too long ago, I realized something.

I'm not that important.

Sure God can use me to accomplish His purposes but He doesn't have to.

So now, instead of living afraid of getting God wrong, I'm even more afraid of not testing and discerning the will of God. I'm even more afraid of not seeking God's call on our lives and instead conforming to the way the world looks. (Romans 12:2)

So, that is what we are attempting to do. We are attempting to test and discern God's will for our family. So far, He is pressing missions on our hearts. He is pressing Africa on our hearts. For just under 4 years now, He has been pressing those things upon us and we've been turning to the left and right, blinded to Him in that area.

That's all we know.

As of today, we have no plans to move to Africa. As of today, we are renting a house, living debt free so that when God tells us to do His work, we can. As of today, I am focusing on my children, focusing on God's word and seeing the ways that I stumble in both of those areas each and every day.

Yes, we have applied for passports. Yes, we are planning on making a trip to Kenya at some point in the next year.

But that's it. That's all we know. And if I've learned anything during my short walk with the Lord, it is certainly Proverbs 16:9 which says, "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."

So we plan. We make decisions for our family that we see aligning with where God is leading (and with Scripture). We think and act on what we feel God is pressing on our hearts. But ultimately the Lord will establish our steps. Ultimately, we could feel led somewhere and God could make it very clear that we've missed the mark. And, I fully expect that to happen at some point. After all, how can a creation expect to fully understand the desires of the creator?

We do not desire to hurt our family and friends' feelings. We do not desire to abandon the people we love the most just because it seems like fun (and no, moving far away from family - if that's God's desires - does not feel fun). But, I cannot find Scripture that supports living a comfortable life just because we can. I cannot find Scripture that says being a follower of Jesus is easy and comfortable and we should just accept it as such and live life going to church on Sunday and making sure we don't cuss too much. I cannot find Scripture that tells us to wait until our children are older before we begin to obey.

The Bible I read says to love the Lord above all else. It says to forsake all things to follow Him. And yes, that's a tough pill to swallow.

Finally, I'd like to add, that what looks like obedience for us may not be what is obedient for you. Just because God called us to have all these kids, doesn't mean that it's your calling. Just because God is making our hearts burdened for missions doesn't mean YOU should become a missionary (but you should support missions - but that's another post for another day). What I will challenge you with is this:

If you are a believer in the risen Savior Jesus, if you truly believe that one Man lived blamelessly, died shamefully and paid the ransom for your sinful life so that you could one day stand in the throne room of God completely debt free, then you should be willing to live a life sold out for Jesus. Your life should look so radically different from the world that others are looking at YOU saying, "What the crap?! Why would you do that?!"

If such is not the case, I challenge you to examine your own heart. Read God's word and back through old journals. Seek what the Lord has been placing before you time and time and time again and realize that it is entirely possible that He is calling you out of your comfort zone. He is calling you to live a life that looks drastically different from the world. And, quite possibly, it will be a life you are afraid of, never dreamed of and cannot do on your own (thus giving Him the opportunity to perform a miracle, right before your eyes).

But, what I can promise you is that missing out on the blessings of your Father through unfaithful disobedience will be the 2nd biggest mistake you will ever make. The first being the choice to turn from Him, while His hands sit open, waiting on you to take up your ransom for your very own life.

PS: If you know us IRL (or even if you don't!) and have questions about why we feel led to the things that we do, PLEASE ASK. We'd love to share with you how amazing God is and how incredibly blessed we are.

He is calling, just like before

It's been almost a whole month since I blogged about what God is revealing to Luke and I about the direction He wants our family to take. Sorry about that. It wasn't intentional. Let me catch those of you who may be new around these parts up to speed.

For over a year now, Luke and I have been praying through where we feel God is leading our family. I have avoided blogging about it here because, well...truthfully...I wasn't sure. I was afraid that I'd say something then it would never come to pass and then I'd look like a stupid Christian who blindly follows some pie-in-the-sky God who really doesn't speak to people.

And, the truth still remains that I will most likely tell you what I feel God has been pressing on our hearts and I'll still get it wrong. But the difference now is that I can clearly see how God has worked in our family over the last year. He has shown us, in some pretty profound ways, that He is, indeed, in control. He has shown us that giving up everything we think we know to follow His lead may make us look like idiots to the world. And finally, I think we are okay with that.

Finally.

The post below was originally written on the private blog my husband and I share. I wrote it on February 11, 2009.

If you've not read this post or this post yet, you might want to read those before continuing this one. Keep in mind that I share these things with you all not because I believe in myself or because I speak with any shred of self-worth. Luke and I are not super-Christians nor do we have this whole Jesus-follower thing figured out. Actually, quite the opposite is true. We stumble through the day to day trying to see where God is leading and we mess up, a lot.

My purpose in sharing these posts with you is because I simply want you to see how incredibly big God is and how amazing it is that the God who created stars and planets and microscopic particles desires to use a hopelessly flawed, imperfect being like me to accomplish His purposes.

My prayer is that through us, you may see Him.

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Originally posted on 2/11/09:


After that trip to Virginia, I felt my heart being stirred for missions. However, this was not the first time. Before we were pregnant with the twins, I attended several of our Mission's Pastor's meetings about church mission trips.

However, as the decision day for the trips approached {and it was time to make the deposits for the trip to Zimbabwe, the one I felt drawn to}, Luke and I started making plans to add to our small family. The next month I became pregnant with Lucas and Ashlee. I knew that a mission trip while pregnant was not a good idea {at least not one to a 3rd world country and the only mission trip within the US that our church was sponsoring was a construction trip, again not do-able for a pregnant lady}.

{Soon the twins were born and} as our life became overly busy with the bustle of 3 children, ages 2 and younger, missions became a faint whisper in my heart. My focus was on these babies, foreign missions seemed to be a thing of the past. What I could not understand was why the thoughts still lingered? Although the desire was not as strong, I knew that we were being prepared for A mission field. I felt that it was incredibly intentional that we were chosen {by God} to parent 3 children within a 2 year period. I knew that dealing with chaos, changing many, many, many diapers, interpreting toddler talk, kissing boo boos and settling toy disputes was all training for a later purpose.

As the twins grew older and became more and more mobile, I became incredibly frustrated with our small (to us) house. The search began for a new home and a stirring in my heart was kindled once more.

This time, the longing wasn't for foreign missions, but a mission within our own home. Conversations of adding more children to our abundant quiver became regular and Luke and I quickly realized that our calling was to be focused within the walls of our own home. I had felt long ago that we would bring in "outside" children, but Luke took a while to warm up (as he does with all things).

In October of 2007 we moved into our new home {you know, the one we just sold last month?}. About a month after {we moved in}, Luke and I were lying in bed. He looked at me and said,

"You still think about becoming foster parents?"

I looked at him in shock. You see, we hadn't spoken about this for almost a year.

I stammered out a reply of shock mixed with joy.

The next day I called the Department of Social Services and in February we began our classes to become licensed foster parents. If you've followed our story at all, you will know that our sweet Baby Aaron (Baby D) was born THE DAY we got licensed and 4 days later he joined our family as our first fostering placement.

And now, just as it happened just a few short years ago, I am feeling that stirring. This time, it is focused once more outside of our home, something missions related. Although I do not know the end result, I do know these few things:

1) Luke and I both feel a calling to something new, outside of our comfort zone.

2) It is consistent and does not fade.

3) It will be completely God inspired and a total act of obedience, something we have already experienced with our calling to foster.

4) The more time I spend in God's word, the more I feel an ache that is deep within my heart. Something to do with Africa and it's hurting children.

Oh, merciful, magnificent and marvelous Father. I feel a deep ache within my heart, a burden you have placed within me, and something that only you can reveal to me. I pray Lord, that as I grow in maturity that you will reveal to Luke and I exactly what our next calling will be. I praise you Lord for choosing me, a sinful servant, to fulfill your work. In Jesus sweet name, Amen.

The Initial Cry

In February of last year I began a private blog. I omitted it from appearing on my profile and told myself (and my husband) that it could be our private journal, documenting what we felt God pressing deeply upon our hearts. As I promised in this post, I plan on making public the desires and promptings that God has been revealing to Luke and I over the course of the last year or so.

Trust me when I say that opening up these things to you all isn't easy. It isn't something that I'm necessarily excited about either. I mean, after all, it's going to make us look even crazier than we already do. It's going to evoke questions from people and, at times, probably make it uncomfortable for us in certain social settings.

But, I can't believe that God has called us to life of comfort and ease. I can't believe that by truly following His plans for our life that we will get a free pass and get to just settle in and take it all in with excessive comfort. I can't believe that He has allowed us to experience Him in these profound ways so that we could keep it all bottled up and NOT proclaim His goodness.

So, it's with lots of prayer that I share these posts with you all. My plan is to simply copy and paste most of the original posts from our private blog onto this one. Where I make modifications or clarification I will use {these fancy brackets}. If you see {these} you can know I've used them to clarify something that might have otherwise not have made sense.

My sincere prayer is that you clearly see how God has worked in our lives and know that there is nothing extraordinary about our family. We are not "super Christians" nor do we have more of a direct line to God than anyone else. In fact, if my post on being lost in the dark is any indication to you, you will see that this journey has not been a smooth one. In fact, I've questioned God so much that it's laughable and yet He has still chosen to bless us time after time after time. So without further ado, here is the first of the posts. I pray that my words then, and my words now, scream out to you the goodness of God and you see through my flawed thoughts and straight into the face of Jesus.

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Originally posted: February 3, 2009

Almost three years ago I traveled 4 hours away to witness a commissioning service of a friend of mine who was heading to the mission field {through the International Mission Board}. As I sat in a vast auditorium watching family after family boldly announce their plans to serve, I felt hot tears spring to my eyes. As I saw the commitment of each of these people, the tears were impossible to hold back. Streams of tears flowed down my cheeks, yet not for the one person I was supporting, but for the almost 100 others that were laying aside their lives, losing them, to follow Him.

I saw families with multiple children, newly married couples and expectant parents, families with newborns and singles all being commissioned to go where the Lord was leading them. I mourned for them in a way that I did not understand. As I watched the extended family members of those journeying onto the mission field I saw joy, hope and tears. I wept, loudly, as I saw grandparents and grandchildren embrace, knowing that it would all-too-long before they saw each other once again.

Even now, remembering that day brings tears to my eyes. It evokes in me an emotion that I cannot explain. And even now, I wonder where the mourning comes from.

Am I mourning because I know, all too well, that one day WE will be that family, forsaking everything to follow the calling of our Lord? Am I mourning because of the loss I know we will have when we move away from my parents, losing our comfortable life so that we may bear the cross He's assigned to us? Am I mourning for the souls that may never know Him if we choose not to obey?

Right now, I'm not sure. All I know is that my heart is being pulled to a place that is not comfortable. My mind drifts to a people group who are hurting and in desperate need of hope. My heart is breaking for my children because I am afraid that they will have to spend parts of their childhood, separated from their beloved grandparents.

And yet, I know that unless we are willing lose our lives for His sake, it will never truly be a life consecrated to Him.

Matthew 16:24-25 says:

Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."

So it is with a tear stained face that I begin to document this journey. I do not know the end result or location, but I know the One who is faithful and merciful. I know the One who rescued me from a life doomed to eternal death and I know the One whose love is everlasting.

It is for Him that I am willing to lose my life.

As we attempt to interpret if we are being called out of our life of comfort, our life of normalcy and a life of this world, I have no doubt that we are being summoned to a life that is truly saved and life that is being lost, one cross at a time, for His glorious sake.

From the darkness

So, I know I've been holding out on telling you all about how much God has blessed us lately. And, truthbetold, I've been holding out on you guys for a long time now. God has been showing Luke and I so much for such a long time and I've been pretty tight lipped about it all.

My reason?

Fear.

Fear that I will say something and then look like a fool when it doesn't happen or come to pass. Fear that maybe I don't know God at all like I think I do. Fear of the realization that what He has done for us is truly just a coincidence and that maybe, just maybe, this whole God thing isn't real at all.

I mean, what kind of real Christian walks around saying,

"Well, I think I've heard from God but, truthfully, I'm just not sure it's Him. And sometimes, I wonder if He really is who He says He is or if He even really exists."

I mean, after all, how can I stand here and tell you all day after day after day that Jesus is the only way, His grace covers all your sin and then question the whole idea myself?

Hypocritical much? I'd say so.

So, for the last 10 or so months (basically since I've found out that Baby #6 was growing inside of me) I've been on a journey of questioning God and His word and the authenticity of it all. It wasn't until the last couple of months that I've realized that through the questioning and doubting I've found out more about God and my relationship with Him than ever before.

But it hasn't come without it's fair share of hurt and pain. It hasn't come without some seriously dark days. It hasn't come easy. There have been days where I've known that God was desiring me to come to Him with my questions and yet I've turned the other direction and walked away, shutting out anything and everything about Him.

There have been deep valleys of intense pain because I thought that I knew myself and my God and yet in the midst of all of my knowledge, things didn't seem as they should. Where was my God when I was hurting and confused? Why was He allowing me to feel such pain and distance?

Looking back I can see that even during the darkest of my days, even when I questioned Him unlike ever before, He was there.

The thing about darkness is that it is consuming. Back when I was in college, my family took a trip to Niagara Falls for the 4th of July. We stayed on the Canadian side of the falls and enjoyed celebrating both the Canadian Independence as well as the American one. As part of our vacation, my parents and I decided to go into a haunted house.

Don't ask me why there was a random haunted house at Niagara Falls Canada. I don't know.

Anyway, here is how the haunted house worked: You went into a pitch black room, creepy and scary things popped out at you and all the while you were suppose to be searching for a small, red light. This small, red light was your clue as to where the entrance to the next room was hidden. If you got too scared all you had to do was yell, "SCREAMERS!" and they would rescue you and your time in the house would be over.

At first, the haunted house was fun, exhilarating even. My Mom, my Dad and I had many laughs as one of us would scream and shriek from a sudden lurching of a skeleton or mummy. We ventured from room to room following the little, red light. But then we got into one room. We stood there, waiting to be frightened by something creepy but all the room seemed to hold was darkness. We couldn't even find the little, red light.

Minutes passed and still no red light and no scary sights, noises or sounds. We all began to panic. More minutes passed and we still found ourselves standing in darkness, unable to locate this light that had become so instrumental in our journey through the haunted house. Panic set in. Irrationally, my Mom whispered to us, "Y'all, we are in a foreign country in a haunted house. No one knows where we are. They could do anything to us and no one would ever know."

In a moment of complete confusion and fear we all simultaneously yelled, "SCREAMERS!!!"

The lights came on and all we saw was an empty room, painted black. Standing no more than 4 feet from us was a worker with a headset who pushed open a door beside him. We stepped through the door, onto the busy, bustling Canadian street and walked away from the haunted house with our hearts still pounding within our chests.

In many ways, I feel like I've spent many of the last 10 months in that same, dark room. I've been waiting and waiting for that little, red light to come on and show me the way. At times, it has flickered in a direction that I didn't think was right, so I ignored it. Then it went pitch black. I've been lost in moments and days and weeks without any signs or direction and it's been fearful.

But then, something amazing happened. I cried out, screamed out actually. I begged God to show me something, give me some reprieve, shower me with perspective. Finally, the lights came on and I realized that I never really was lost at all. In fact, just a few short steps away was reality. A reality I've known for a long, long time.

Fear was gripping me, causing me to lose my direction. I allowed the darkness to take over and instead of turning to the One that already knew the outcome I settled for wallowing in the darkness and succumbing to my irrational fears.

As my eyes have adjusted from being in darkness and as my heart has slowly stopped pounding in my chest, I've realized that the direction I was seeking was right in front of me all along. He was there, standing nearby always knowing the way.

As Luke and I take our family to the next step of God's desires for our life I can look back and see that these last months were perfectly laid out before us. Did we know the outcome when we set out? No. Had we known it all beforehand would it have made things easier? Probably not. Probably harder actually.

So as I continue to unfold for you all the richness with which God has blessed us, know that it hasn't come without some serious growing pains. We are seeking to use our lives to earnestly obey God. I can't wait to let you in and show you all the ways that He has blessed us. I wish I could pour it all out in one sitting but I can't. So bear with me as our life gears up to be chaotic (if this Baby ever decides to show up outside my body). I hope you will see God as clearly as we have.

The First

Okay...I was about to post this back on October 9th, but while proof reading it, we got the call for Baby Girl. I wanted to still post it, especially now, because of it's relevance.
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Written on October 9th:

Below is my first post I wrote way back in January. Since I was lacking thoughtful words today, I thought I'd look back at some old posts (back before anyone was actually READING my blog) and see if anything struck me as worthwhile. This post jumped off the screen at me.

Lately, I have struggled so much with consistent quiet time (actually ANY quiet time). I feel like I'm in conversation with God, but right now, it's pretty one sided. I had all but forgotten about my Life Verse until I re-read this post (some life verse, huh?). When I read those words again, they jumped off the page at me, just as they did that first day God revealed them to me.
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Originally written January 31, 2008

About 6 months ago I was reading the book "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. In it, she suggests creating a life purpose statement. I have been captivated by this concept since I read it. Although I have thought that I had purpose for my life, I have never before looked at it from this vantage point. I have never thought of my entire life as a time line and referenced where I been and where I am, in contrast to where I want to be. Read my life purpose verse, then I will attempt to explain its meaning in terms of my heart:

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. ~ Philippians 3:12-14, The Message

Here's what I take this to mean for me:

1. I will never be the person that says, "I've got it all figured out." I am trying desperately hard to become the Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister and Friend that Jesus Christ wants me to be. However, I fail in every area of my life daily. I don't know how I can let God down so much, fail so often and still be considered so valuable to Him. That baffles me. I know that every time I am in the Word and in prayer or just sitting with friends, I learn so much about this God I love. I think about it a lot in reference to 1 Corinthians Chapter 3. I know that there are days when all I can tolerate is God's milk. Then, when I am ready in a new area, He gives me meat. I am continually amazed at how He works on my heart in simple ways, continuing to reveal Himself to me.

2. I know that if I continue to seek God's will for my life, then I am headed in the right direction. I may have NO CLUE where He is taking me, but when the Creator of the universes is in control, who am I to ask questions? Not that I don't, because believe you me, I have SOOO many uncertainties. I also know that my God is big enough for me to doubt Him, have questions about Him, not believe Him and yet He still loves me. Amazing.

3. Lastly, (at least for now) I know that I am being made new. I am headed down the path that leads me to "Christ-likeness." Not that I'll get there anytime soon, but I know where I'm going. I don't want to go back to the old me. Not that I think that I was a horrible person before, the the new me is just so much better. I have a lot of fond memories of the time I spent before I knew Jesus. I know those memories will never fade, and many of them shaped me into who I am today. But the Spirit has taken over the old me and transformed me from the inside out. I have been made new. I am still the same old girl. I talk too much, say it too loud, laugh when no one else thinks stuff is funny, gross people out....but now, I'm different. I love looking for God in the every day. I realize that things in my life don't happen by "coincidence" and there is no such thing as "luck." Everything in the universe is held up by the God I serve. What an awesome way to live my life!

I still have many hurdles to jump, lots of mountains to climb and so many bridges to rebuild. But I know that with the power of Christ, I can overcome anything, because of His sacrifice for me.
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Looking back at this post just makes me even more aware of how amazing my God really is! Look at all He has done in our lives this year and how He has shown Himself time and time again. I know that no part of me deserves any of what He gives me, but the blessings we continue to receive through obedience are humbling.

Thank you all for your prayers of support lately. I can really feel them all around me, sustaining me, encouraging me and whispering truths when the author of lies tries to creep in! You all mean so much to me and I appreciate you journeying with me.

Glimpses

Seven years ago I was a senior in college. Our country was freshly grieving the losses of September 11th. Patriotism was evident on every car, every flagpole and in every American heart. My family had just buried my Great Uncle Vaughn.

I remember that time in my life very well. I had just broken up with this other guy I was dating and Luke and I were trying to figure out what we were going to do with our relationship.

Luke and I had been dating since my sophomore year in college. However, when he graduated and moved to Memphis, complications from a prior relationship of his put a serious strain on me. I had broken up with him in June-ish and started dated someone else that summer.

Then, unexpectedly, my Uncle Vaughn was killed. He died on September 9th. I left college and traveled the 60 miles back to my hometown. I called Luke on the way to tell him that I was hurting. He knew my family well. I needed him. This new guy wouldn't know anyone and a funeral is not a place to introduce a new person. Luke came immediately.

My life was so upside down. I vaguely knew Jesus. I had heard about him in Sunday School when I was a kid, and when my Mom dragged me to church on Sundays during the summer. He wasn't a real person. He was a story.

There have been days that I have begged for God to give me a glimpse of the future. I pray that He will let me see what is in store for us. I pray for just a taste, a small picture of what our life will be like in 6 months, 12 months, 5 years. Although He speaks clearly, He never gives me those pictures I beg for. Now, I think I know why.

You see, 7 years ago if God had shown me my life today I wouldn't have believed Him. I wouldn't have understood. I would have counted God as a liar.

How could someone go from so broken, so shallow, and so empty to what I am now? Sure, I still have my days of self-pity, selfishness and just sheer sinfulness. However, my life is different. My heart is different. There's no way the me of 7 years ago, would have believed my life of today.

Then I was broken. Now I'm restored. Then I was dirty. Now I am clean. That boyfriend who caused me so much pain, is now a husband who honors me, loves me and reminds me daily who I want to be. The burdens of school and job searching have been replaced with a purpose beyond all understanding. The triviality of the day to day has been replaced with a focus on eternity.

The desperate desire I had for freedom now knows true freedom.

I remember so clearly wanting to know, wanting to see what my future held. I wanted a small taste, a picture of my future. Now I know, that had God granted me my wish, I would have never believed.

I needed each event in my life to lead me to Him. I needed the pain, the distance, the sadness, the death to show me where He was. I needed the journey.

These last few days I've been thinking a lot about what our life will be like in a few years. I wonder if Baby D will really be ours. I wonder what life will be like when our current 4 are TEENAGERS in our home.

I used to ask God for a glimpse of the future, now I know why that would never work.

There is no way I would ever believe the blessings He has in store for me.

There is no way I could understand the new passions, complexities and desires He will place in me. There is no way I could grasp the new me without going through the growing processes to get me there.

When I think about my future, instead of looking at it in wonder I now see it with excitement. I cannot wait to see the blessings God will pour out.

I know that my road will be marked with suffering, sadness, tears and emotion. I also know that I am not traveling alone. As these thoughts have rolled through my mind these last few days, First Corinthians Chapter 2 flows with them. Specifically verse 9:

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined
what God has prepared for those who love him.”
(a reference to Isaiah 64:4)

I truly know that God has prepared things for me that my mind, ears and eyes could never understand. I stand in awe knowing that the Creator of the universe cares enough about me to shape and mold me into the daughter He has created me to be.

As I eagerly anticipate the new blessings, I pray that as they come I will see them in all forms.

Sadness, grief, loss, joy, happiness, laughter and pain.

I pray that God gives me eyes to see and ears to hear all of the blessings He has in store. I may not know the days before me, but I know the One who has counted them, blessed them and ordained them.

Who needs a glimpse of the future when you're staring at that?

The Sheerest of Gifts

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
~ James 1:2-4 (The Message)

Pure joy, huh (That's the NIV translation)? A sheer gift? Really? If such is the case, then I'm so tickled I could pop! I love how it is written in The Message version because it reads,

when tests and challenges come at you from all sides (emphasis added).

I totally feel that way right now. I am being tested from every angle. Family frustrations, homeschooling worries, volunteer duties....then of course there's the usual, things. The "simpler" stuff like parenting, marriage, keeping my house up. Wow, a sheer gift? I struggle to see all the joy.

Where I AM finding joy is in the fact that I am yearning for time with my Father. I am desperate for His word. I'm thirsty. Not that I've opened my Bible more than once this week, but the longing is still there. 6-12 months ago, I would have just continued through my day lacking nothing. The stress would be piling higher still, but the outlet never identified, the desire never sparked. That is sheer joy for me. I have prayed so many times, "Father, let me desire to spend time with you. Let me long for your word." He has answered. He has provided the desire, the longing. Many times this past week I've walked right past my Bible, glancing at it with such longing. Knowing that a half hour, fifteen minutes, in it's goodness would replenish my soul. But life's demands have called me away. Now I can see the attacker roping me into his snares.

Two years ago, shortly after the twins' birth, Luke and I were laying in our bed, exhausted from the day. Our new precious babies, were snoozing softly in the bassinet next to our bed. As one of them squeaked out a sweet baby noise, we both smiled. Almost in unison we spoke of how much fun this parenting thing was. Yes, we were EXHAUSTED. Yes, we were strained, but it truly was pure joy. It really was the sheerest of gifts. Looking back, I totally see what verse 4 means when it says,

Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

We could not have felt more completely exhausted. I wondered a lot back then if we'd ever make it to the twins' 2nd birthday. I wondered how we would ever endure. However, I can see so clearly that God sent us Lucas and Ashlee exactly when He did so that we could become more mature, more developed parents. We don't have this parenting thing all figured out by any means. However, managing newborn twins and a 22 month old wasn't easy. It was physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausting. Having 3 kids under two certainly prepared us for having four kids under 4. This is WAY easier than it was when the twins were newbies, and I'm so much more spiritually mature. Knowing all of this, I know that this stress and these troubles are for God's perfect plan. I know that I am being tested because of a greater good. I know that He is sovereign, faithful and above all, LOVE. Because of that knowledge and my faith in Him, I will persevere. I will endure and I will try to consciously recognize the sheer gifts I have in my life at this very moment.

PS-Thanks Mandy for bringing these verses to my attention. I needed it so much more than you could know.

My Comfort, My Refuge, My Strength

Yesterday's doctor visit went well. The birth parents showed up (even though I selfishly prayed they would bail out). Luke and I sat, in a small waiting room in the back with his birth parents for almost an hour. During that time I felt such peace. I must thank each of you for praying for us, because I know it was those prayers that kept my heart from racing the entire hour (though it probably would have been good cardio, and I need to burn all of the calories I can). I know it was prayer that led me through the day yesterday. For that, I thank you.

I must say though, that quite a few of my friends have said that I am "special." Or that our family is "amazing." Please, please, please do not give us the credit. It is not on our own accord that we are being strong. It is not through our own initiative that we are finding peace. We are not anything special. Trust me on this one, it's ALL God.

If you look at us and see peace, turn your eyes to heaven and give God praise. If you listen to us with our kids and hear selflessness, turn your ears to God and give Him glory. If you think, for one second, that Luke and I have exponential love, turn your heart to Christ and feel His goodness. This is SO not a Luke & Jessica thing, but a God thing.

I am so weak, so anxious and so incredibly dependent. I have "nubbin" fingernails because I chew them on the regular. I take acid-reducer medicine on a consistent basis as to subside my ever churning stomach. However, since this entire foster parent process started I have felt peace. Sure I've had moments of anxiety, frustration and questions. But, for the most part, (and I would say that's about 98% of the time) I've felt PEACE. Unsurpassed peace. Peace that I cannot explain. I can only look to Christ as the source of my strength.

The song "Shout To the Lord" plays through my mind so much. So, I decided to search my favorite line of that song on BibleGateway.com (my absolute favorite Bible site). The part of the song that sticks out is "My Comfort, My Shelter, Tower of refuge and strength."

When I searched "tower of refuge," it came back with Psalm 61:2-3:

From the ends of the earth I call to you,

I call as my heart grows faint;

lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.

Sheer perfection. Precisely how I see myself. Letting go and trusting God with all of my questions has been quite a struggle. Each time I want to pick up the phone and call someone to get their opinion, God whispers once more, I'm enough, remember? He is my refuge, He is my strong tower when my heart grows faint.

So please, if you pass us in the store, see us in the halls at church or if we even come to mind, please give God all the glory. Although it's humbling and flattering to hear of others praising you, we truly can't take any credit. God has totally taken over this situation and brought us more peace than we could ever imagine. It is not our own, it is purely Him.

Shout To the Lord
(click the title listen, I like the Skillet version best)

My Jesus, My Savior,
Lord there is none like You.
All of my days,
I want to praise,
The wonders of Your mighty love.
My Comfort, my Shelter
Tower of refuge and strength.
Let every breath, all that I am,
Never cease to worship You.

Shout to the Lord,
All the Earth let us sing.
Power and majesty
Praise to the King.
Mountains bow down
And the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name.
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands.
Forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares
To the promise I have in You.

What's the point?

About 6 months ago I was reading the book "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. In it, she suggests creating a life purpose statement. I have been captivated by this concept since I read it. Although I have thought that I had purpose for my life, I have never before looked at it from this vantage point. I have never thought of my entire life as a time line and referenced where I been and where I am, in contrast to where I want to be. Read my life purpose verse, then I will attempt to explain its meaning in terms of my heart:

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. ~ Philippians 3:12-14, The Message

Here's what I take this to mean for me:

1. I will never be the person that says, "I've got it all figured out." I am trying desperately hard to become the Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister and Friend that Jesus Christ wants me to be. However, I fail in every area of my life daily. I don't know how I can let God down so much, fail so often and still be considered so valuable to Him. That baffles me. I know that every time I am in the Word and in prayer or just sitting with friends, I learn so much about this God I love. I think about it a lot in reference to 1 Corinthians Chapter 3. I know that there are days when all I can tolerate is God's milk. Then, when I am ready in a new area, He gives me meat. I am continually amazed at how He works on my heart in simple ways, continuing to reveal Himself to me.

2. I know that if I continue to seek God's will for my life, then I am headed in the right direction. I may have NO CLUE where He is taking me, but when the Creator of the universes is in control, who am I to ask questions? Not that I don't, because believe you me, I have SOOO many uncertainties. I also know that my God is big enough for me to doubt Him, have questions about Him, not believe Him and yet He still loves me. Amazing.

3. Lastly, (at least for now) I know that I am headed in the right direction. I am headed down the path that leads me to "Christ-likeness." Not that I'll get there anytime soon, but I know where I'm going. I don't want to go back to the old me. Not that I think that I was a horrible person before, the the new me is just so much better. I have a lot of fond memories of the time I spent before I knew Jesus. I know those memories will never fade, and many of them shaped me into who I am today. But the Spirit has taken over the old me and transformed me from the inside out. I have been made new. I am still the same old girl. I talk too much, say it too loud, laugh when no one else thinks stuff is funny, gross people out....but now, I'm different. I love looking for God in the every day. I realize that things in my life don't happen by "coincidence" and there is no such thing as "luck." Everything in the universe is held up by the God I serve. What an awesome way to live my life!

I still have many hurdles to jump, lots of mountains to climb and so many bridges to rebuild. But I know that with the power of Christ, I can overcome anything, because of His sacrifice for me.