The Initial Cry

In February of last year I began a private blog. I omitted it from appearing on my profile and told myself (and my husband) that it could be our private journal, documenting what we felt God pressing deeply upon our hearts. As I promised in this post, I plan on making public the desires and promptings that God has been revealing to Luke and I over the course of the last year or so.

Trust me when I say that opening up these things to you all isn't easy. It isn't something that I'm necessarily excited about either. I mean, after all, it's going to make us look even crazier than we already do. It's going to evoke questions from people and, at times, probably make it uncomfortable for us in certain social settings.

But, I can't believe that God has called us to life of comfort and ease. I can't believe that by truly following His plans for our life that we will get a free pass and get to just settle in and take it all in with excessive comfort. I can't believe that He has allowed us to experience Him in these profound ways so that we could keep it all bottled up and NOT proclaim His goodness.

So, it's with lots of prayer that I share these posts with you all. My plan is to simply copy and paste most of the original posts from our private blog onto this one. Where I make modifications or clarification I will use {these fancy brackets}. If you see {these} you can know I've used them to clarify something that might have otherwise not have made sense.

My sincere prayer is that you clearly see how God has worked in our lives and know that there is nothing extraordinary about our family. We are not "super Christians" nor do we have more of a direct line to God than anyone else. In fact, if my post on being lost in the dark is any indication to you, you will see that this journey has not been a smooth one. In fact, I've questioned God so much that it's laughable and yet He has still chosen to bless us time after time after time. So without further ado, here is the first of the posts. I pray that my words then, and my words now, scream out to you the goodness of God and you see through my flawed thoughts and straight into the face of Jesus.

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Originally posted: February 3, 2009

Almost three years ago I traveled 4 hours away to witness a commissioning service of a friend of mine who was heading to the mission field {through the International Mission Board}. As I sat in a vast auditorium watching family after family boldly announce their plans to serve, I felt hot tears spring to my eyes. As I saw the commitment of each of these people, the tears were impossible to hold back. Streams of tears flowed down my cheeks, yet not for the one person I was supporting, but for the almost 100 others that were laying aside their lives, losing them, to follow Him.

I saw families with multiple children, newly married couples and expectant parents, families with newborns and singles all being commissioned to go where the Lord was leading them. I mourned for them in a way that I did not understand. As I watched the extended family members of those journeying onto the mission field I saw joy, hope and tears. I wept, loudly, as I saw grandparents and grandchildren embrace, knowing that it would all-too-long before they saw each other once again.

Even now, remembering that day brings tears to my eyes. It evokes in me an emotion that I cannot explain. And even now, I wonder where the mourning comes from.

Am I mourning because I know, all too well, that one day WE will be that family, forsaking everything to follow the calling of our Lord? Am I mourning because of the loss I know we will have when we move away from my parents, losing our comfortable life so that we may bear the cross He's assigned to us? Am I mourning for the souls that may never know Him if we choose not to obey?

Right now, I'm not sure. All I know is that my heart is being pulled to a place that is not comfortable. My mind drifts to a people group who are hurting and in desperate need of hope. My heart is breaking for my children because I am afraid that they will have to spend parts of their childhood, separated from their beloved grandparents.

And yet, I know that unless we are willing lose our lives for His sake, it will never truly be a life consecrated to Him.

Matthew 16:24-25 says:

Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."

So it is with a tear stained face that I begin to document this journey. I do not know the end result or location, but I know the One who is faithful and merciful. I know the One who rescued me from a life doomed to eternal death and I know the One whose love is everlasting.

It is for Him that I am willing to lose my life.

As we attempt to interpret if we are being called out of our life of comfort, our life of normalcy and a life of this world, I have no doubt that we are being summoned to a life that is truly saved and life that is being lost, one cross at a time, for His glorious sake.