His understanding is beyond measure

Our church has begun the formative stages of an adoption and foster parent ministry. It's in its infancy and Monday night was the first public informational meeting.

After a few families shared their stories of adoption (including us) a woman I'd never seen before began to share her story. As she spoke of talking with a potential birth mother, the tears came quickly for her. My heart was swiftly carried back to the times my own heart ached over each of our children. If nothing else, after the meeting I wanted to hug her and tell her that she's not in this journey alone.

As we talked, we chatted about foster care. Finally, a familiar quip rang in my ears as she said that some people she knew had said this about fostering to adopt, "Oh, how could you ever give them back if you had to?"

How many times we've heard that (and still do) when we share about our experience and calling to foster, then adopt!

I've avoided our church's sanctuary as much as possible over the last four months. Every single time I go in there, my mind reforms a closed, white casket stretched in front of the pulpit, a spray of roses and sunflowers across the top of it and my dear friend laying inside. Nearly every time, the taste of bile rises in my throat as I enter.

What should be a place of refuge has become a place of loathing.

But as I sat there, in that same sanctuary, telling this stranger that this journey of adoption isn't meant to be taken alone I hear words come from my mouth and spill into the space in front of me.

"You know though, when people say that they could never foster to adopt, it bothers me. If God clearly called you to this season, if God chooses to make it painful, then it will hurt and you will certainly hit rock bottom. But God is the rock at the bottom. You may land face down, but you will land on Him."

I sat back, looked at my friend Emily and as tears quickly spilled onto my cheeks I said, "Wow. I needed to hear myself say that."

And that's basically where I feel myself right now. Face down on the rock. Unable to stand.

Sure, there are joyful things happening around me. Amanda had her sweet baby on Sunday and I was able to be in the delivery room to take pictures. Birth is miraculous and I am still in awe of her strength. I try to find the good in the fact that we aren't going now. We get more time with our friends and family. Christmas isn't quite so bittersweet this year with a departure looming on the horizon.

But Paige won't be home this Christmas. Just like she wasn't at our house the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, which was typical.

Then, I read Missy's post today and my heart ached so desperately to be gearing up to head to a land full of brown faces, brown eyes and new culture. I sat in front of my computer weeping over all that we've lost lately and I looked back for the post I'd written about the tears and trials that came with our first 5 children. This scripture that I'd once held so close was sitting before me, begging me to believe it all over again.

He heals the brokenhearted

and binds up their wounds.

He determines the number of the stars;

he gives to all of them their names.

Great is our Lord, and abundant in power;

his understanding is beyond measure.

Psalm 147:3-5

I'm brokenhearted. I'm wounded. I'm weak.

I'm forcing myself to believe that Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure. I must believe it. It must be true. His understanding must be beyond my own ability to measure. Beyond my own ability to understand. It must be so.

Lord, prove to me this truth. This truth that my heart already knows but my head is struggling to comprehend.

Please, prove it once more, like you've always done before.

My 2012 "Must Read" Book List

A couple of years ago Luke and I made a list of our goals for the upcoming year. I love sitting and looking at the year ahead as a blank slate and knowing that the Lord has complete control to lead us where ever He pleases. I love setting goals, listing things I'd like to accomplish and making an effort to be more intentional with my time. I'm so NOT Type A that this has been a work in progress and very much a God-led desire.

One thing I love to do, but don't get to do often enough is read. For Christmas, my parents got me a Kindle Fire. I was so stoked! I often don't have the time or energy to go to the book store or library to pick up my latest desired read. With a Kindle, it's all at my fingertips...literally. (And, I just learned that you can loan and borrow books from other Kindle users! Sweet!)

So, I thought that it would superb to make a list of the books I'd like to read for 2012 and try to them all (if not more) before this time next year. Of course, I say all of that with the knowledge that the list, the goals and the results are subject to change!

So, for 2012, I've made the following list of books I'd love to read. I wish I could say that I'd read 2 books per month, but the likelihood is that I'd only read 1 to 1.5 books per month. I'm comfortable with 15-18 books on my list for the upcoming year.

Here's my start up list. So far, I've got 14 listed so that gives me room for 3 - 4 more. And if I end up having more than 18 on my list, maybe that will motivate me to read 2 per month! I've linked the titles to the books on Amazon and the authors names to their blogs or websites (if I know about them and/or they were easy to google).

Right now, I'm about half way through The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline That Really Works! by John Rosemond. I'm hoping to finish it by New Years Day.

Kisses From Katie by Katie Davis

What Women Fear by Angie Smith

When Helping Hurts: How To Alleviate Poverty Without Hurting The Poor and Yourself by Brian Fikkert, Steve Corbett, John Perkins

When Charity Destroys Dignity by Glenn J Schwartz

Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper
I'd also like to finish Let the Nations Be Glad by John Piper

Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

A Deeper Kind of Calm by Linda Dillow

Loving the Little Years: Motherhood In The Trenches by Rachel Jankovic (This is a link to her posts on John Piper's Desiring God blog.)

Forgotten God by Francis Chan
Erasing Hell by Francis Chan

The Husband Project: 21 Days of Loving Your Man On Purpose, With A Plan by Kathi Lipp

I've also got 2 books on prayer and a couple that I need to read for AIM's Outbound Training Module.

Do you make a list of goals for the New Year?

Do you have a "must read" list for 2012?

What books do you think I should add to the list?

Happy New Year, y'all!

Ordinary

I know that what I'm about to say is not really going to shock any of you. But I have something I want to tell you. Lean in real close, okay?

Ready?

I'm ordinary.

Yep. Just an ordinary girl, who loves the Lord, her husband and her half a dozen crazy kids.

Nothing special. Certainly NOT a "Super-Mom" and definitely NOT a Saint. Despite what people say, I don't have a more-direct-than-you line to God. In fact, there are still days that I don't even open my Bible. Thankfully, those days are becoming fewer and fewer, but they still exist.

I'm not perfect, I think bad thoughts, I say bad things, I DO bad things. Sometimes, when the phone rings, I look at who's calling, roll my eyes then hit "Silent."

I know. Terrible isn't it?

I'm normal. Just because we adopted kids doesn't make us "Mega-Parents." Just because we desire to be Missionaries doesn't mean we are perfect. And while I do believe that we are to be held to a higher standard because of our roles within in the church and our desires to lead people to the feet of Christ, we are still sinners desperate for the grace and forgiveness that the Lord has to offer.

Wanna know what else? I'm scared.

Truth is, I'm a little worried I'm going to have a panic attack on Thursday morning. Just thinking about kissing my man and my kids good-bye for 11 days makes my heart pound, my eyes well up with tears and my breathing become more rapid.

I'm afraid. The enemy takes advantage of my fears and whispers lies to me,

"What will happen to them if you never come home?"

"No good mother would leave her kids and go half way around the world."

"What if they get sick or hurt and you're not here?"

"What if something serious happens and you never even know about it?"

"If you die, will they ever even remember you?"

Just typing those things out has made me short of breath. Truthfully though, I have two choices.

1) I can allow that fear to grip me, paralyze me both spiritually and physically and ruin my preparations over the next two days. I can cave to the attacks of the enemy, who knows how to prey on me in the most vulnerable areas of my life, and melt into a puddle of tears and fear.

OR

2) I can believe that God is sovereign and no matter what happens over the next 2 weeks, HE IS IN CONTROL.

I'm choosing Option #2. And I'm reminding myself of Option #2 moment by moment.

And I'm clinging to Psalm 56:3-4

When I am afraid,
I put my trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise,
in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
What can flesh do to me?

And also Romans 8:31

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

I believe that Christ is worth it. Worth everything that I have. Christ is worth leaving my husband and children for 11 days and traveling to a country with no power grid. A country that runs solely on generators. A country that is listed as one of the poorest in the world. This trip aligns with Scripture, so I know that God is for these things. I believe that He is worth everything that I have.

I believe Acts 1:8 was written for me, and for YOU. I believe that Guinea-Bissau is the ends of the Earth. I believe that God is preparing the hearts of the Badyara people in Canquelifa, Guinea-Bissau to hear about the Best Thing that's ever happened on this Earth.

I believe that the Lord will have His hand on my family and whatever happens, it is FOR HIS GLORY. I believe that I will step onto a plane on Thursday not fully understanding what He intends to show me. I believe that I will return as a changed woman. How could I walk with God and remain the same?

I'm a small town, southern girl who lives in an ordinary house and lives an ordinary life. I'm not any more special than anyone else. Just an ordinary girl serving an amazing, anything-but-ordinary-God.

And I'm asking for your simple, heartfelt, BOLD and BIG prayers. Will you pray that my ordinary self (and the other ordinary people I'm traveling with) will be used in a way that will baffle the people around us?

Here's the basic outline of where our team will be and when. You can click over my sweet friend Wendi's blog for an outline of how to pray for our team.

Here's the outline of our schedule:

Depart April 7, 2011: (I'm leaving out specifics on our departure and return times and layovers, because y'all, the internet creeps me out.) Just know we leave about Noonish.

April 9th, 2011: After a whole DAY of a layover in a our connecting city, we arrive in Guinea-Bissau verrrry early in the morning Guinea-Bissau time. Load up all our luggage and supplies and drive for THREE HOURS on a bumpy, horrible road in a vehicle that's probably not suited for 6 people and their luggage. I'd love for you to pray that NONE of us get carsick.

We spend a full day on April 9th with some Missionaries who live in Eastern GB.

April 10, 2011: Travel to the village of Canquelifa, Guinea-Bissau (Again, another hot, cramped, lengthy, bumpy car ride.) Click here to see the best detailed map I could find of GB. Canquelifa is up there in the top, right hand corner of the country. I have a feeling that the village of Canquelifa is going to give this country girl a whole new perspective of "living in the sticks."

April 11 - 15, 2011: Team will begin door-to-door (or hut-to-hut) evangelism in the mornings. Most of the people of GB are animistic or believe in folk Islam. Please pray specifically that the Lord would soften the hearts of the people so that they can hear that what we are saying is TRUTH. In the evenings, we will show a series of films in an effort to disciple the few believers that are in the village. Please pray for the team members as we attempt to disciple believers through an interpreter.

April 16, 2011 - Another hot, bumpy, lengthy car ride (over 5 hours worth total).

April 17 - 18, 2011 - Travel home, arriving in the evening on the 18th.

Thank you for praying for myself, Wendi, another stay-at-home mom named "L" and two gentlemen ("I" and "V") who are seasoned travelers to Guinea-Bissau.

And thank you for praying for our families as they live life here at home. You guys are awesome.

I can't wait to tell you all about what God has done and continues to do in Guinea-Bissau! Talk at you in a couple weeks.

Prayer Update!

I read an update on one of the sweet babies in Russia who has Down Syndrome. (If you have no clue what I'm talking about read my post from yesterday by clicking here.)

CLICK HERE to read about Evan and her family's update.

I've joined the facebook page "Saving Kirill" and Kirill's mom posted this update sometime last night:

"IMPORTANT!!! Our appeal was filed today. I just found out from our agency that our judge *can* overturn her own ruling simply based on the appeal WITHOUT us going to the Supreme Court. Our agency says that would be a "miracle" but there is a chance. Good thing God works miracles! SO....START. PRAYING. NOW!"

Will you join with me in praying for these sweet babies who have Mommies and Daddies who desperately want them? Pray BOLD and pray BIG for these sweet treasures who could very well pave the way for more adoptions of children with Down Syndrome from this region in Russia. Pray for the judge's heart to be softened and for God's Spirit to move in her and that she would speak only the words only HE desires.

Thanks friends.

How Deep The Father's Love For Us

I've written before about how music affects me and why I can't listen to secular music. But truthfully, I don't miss secular music that much anyway. In fact, when I stumble upon a new (to me) song that everyone else in the free world already knows (but I've never heard) it's like walking up on a pot of gold.

A BIG POT OF GOLD. With a beautiful voice inside.

Lately, I've found such a song. And can I just tell you that I get some funny looks (and maybe a few extra fingers thrown my way) by people in other cars as our 15 passenger van slows significantly and I whole heartedly worship the King from the drivers seat. Especially when I have my eyes closed and my hands firmly pressed against the roof of the van.

Just kidding. I keep my hands on the wheel. At least one of them.

Y'all..I love this song. Love it so very much. And I love that the Lord has helped me tuck little excerpts of Scripture away in my heart so that as I sing (poorly) along with Nichole Nordeman, I can recall God's words that may have even inspired this song.

If you'd like to listen to this song while you read the words you can CLICK HERE. (It's not Nichole. But this gal's good too.) And I added the scripture in myself. You're welcome.


How Deep The Father's Love For Us

How deep the Father’s love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

{And at the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” - Mark 15:34}

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

{The men who were guarding Jesus began mocking and beating him. They blindfolded him and demanded, “Prophesy! Who hit you?” And they said many other insulting things to him. - Luke 22:63-65}

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

{When Jesus had received the sour wine, he said, “It is finished,” and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit. - John 19:30}

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

{And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” - 1 Corinthians 1:30-31}


Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

{He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. - 1 Peter 2:24}

{For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” - Mark 10:45}

- Lyrics by Stuart Townend Source

The taboo topic of being an angry Mom

I love my life. Really I do. I love being a mother to all these kids and the dirty house that comes with them. I love that having these people means that my sink is always full of dirty dishes and sometimes I don't get to shower.

I love them so much that if I dwell on it for long enough I will cry rivers of tears.

I love them so very much.

But, you know what? There's another side to being a Mom that no one ever talks about. When I wrote this post, several of you agreed that you have struggles. Several of you admitted insecurities and realities that you face in this role we are blessed by.

And, I think, part of being Radical is being honest with right where I am. Because like I told my friend Wendi a long while back during a play date, "I think that being radical means allowing God to push you out of your comfort zone so that where your ability ends, His can begin and therefore He gets all the glory."

And what I'm going to share with you today is certainly out of my comfort zone. But, I feel like I'm not being totally honest if I keep these emotions inside me and pretend as though they don't exist.

I realize that by writing what will follow, I'm probably going to get some (more) sideways glances at church, some of you may even question my emotional stability.

Truthfully, I'm okay. I'm awesome, actually.

Maybe you'll think less of me after reading this post. I mean, afterall, we're going to be missonaries, we should have it all together, right?

Wrong.

What I'm going to write is the truth. It's how I feel somedays.

Not every day. But some.

Usually after a night of little-to-no-sleep. Usually after (or during) an incredibly challenging day. Usually when I'm at my wit's end with a behavior from a certain precious child who will not stop throwing her food on the floor or after a sweet little boy throws his 4th tantrum in 30 minutes.

Or when I wonder why in the world God saw fit to give me, virtually, two sets of twins so that I could deal with negative, age-appropriate behaviors in two scoop helpings and it's almost more than I can deal with to say it twice, twice in 10 seconds to two different people because copy cat #2 felt the need to mimic copy cat #1's nasty behavior even though #1 just got a consequence.

It's those times that something washes over me and I realize that something else it taking a hold of me. Something that could have such a grip on me that I could understand why people slip into the recesses of the unspeakable.

It's nasty and I'm not proud of it.

Anger.

Not a flippant passing aggravation that makes me want to turn on cartoons for the next 2 hours and pray my children focus on the TV so I have some friggin' peace and quiet.

Real anger. Anger that makes me wonder who I am and how I got all these kids and if I really knew what I was doing, or better, if God knew what He was doing when he handed me these blessings because I'm seriously about to flip out on them.

Anger that causes me to drag my child to his (or her) bedroom while (s)he's kicking and screaming and wailing at the top of his lungs and then gingerly sliding him in and closing the door behind him. Anger that makes me stand at that same door and hold it shut while my child tries to pull it open because if we were to have another interaction right then, it would not be pretty.

Anger because it's meal time again and again we are having a battle of the wills over whether or not he will eat the food I've prepared. Food he likes but is currently rejecting because he apparently doesn't care if he eats today. So he sits and scowls at me from underneath furrowed eyebrows, rejecting all of the food on his plate because I dared to put a tiny bit of something green on the same surface as the rest of his food. Or, rejecting it because he threw a fit 10 minutes ago and consequence of a toy being taken away is still fresh in his mind.

Anger because, again, they've woken/disturbed/upset an otherwise peaceful baby, again, and so now, again, I must drop everything and console the (what would have been a content) baby because a brother or sister couldn't keep their hands to themselves. So lunch will take 45 minutes to prepare rather than 20 minutes which means that everyone will be so hungry and cranky by the time I finally get lunch on the table that fights will ensue and food will be flung and I will lose my cool. Again.

But as a Mom (or a Dad) it's taboo to talk about that kind of anger, isn't it? Because in our politically correct culture, if you actually talk about being angry at your kid then someone will surely call Social Services on you and they'll take your kids and put you in a 6 week anger management program.

We used to be foster parents. We are familiar with the programs for parents who have abused and neglected their kids. They are needed. They are a genuine route to recovery for the parents who actually have habitual anger management issues.

But, am I really "managing" my anger if I choose not to discuss it? And, in choosing to shove it to the recesses of my heart, am I allowing those emotions the attention that's needed to deal with them appropriately? If I've found out anything in my short time as a mother it's true that, "If I'm feeling/experiencing/struggling with something, chances are someone else is/has/will too." But all too often we take topics that are taboo and shove them to the deep dark corners of our hearts and pray that they don't surface when anyone else is around.

Because if anyone knew that you really felt that way then surely they'd think less of you, or wonder why you chose to have so many kids or be a stay at home mom or blah, blah, blah...

I'm tired of reading blogs and being around people who claim they never lose it and paint the picture of their perfect life. I lose it. Not everyday. Sometimes I make it a whole week. But I lose it. Often.

Why is it so taboo to talk about less-than-rosey-lovey-dovey feelings for your kids? Why is it unacceptable to say, "Somedays, I don't like my kid. In fact, some days when I hear them waking up from naps, I get frustrated with them for no reason."

I feel that way. Sometimes. And while I'm not advocating that anyone should ever discipline while they are in the throws of anger nor am I saying that anyone who has habitual anger or depression issues should never seek counseling.

What I am saying that these feelings are real and I feel them. Not everyday. But sometimes.

I get angry with my kids. I get tired or I don't spend enough time in the Word and the anger washes over me before I realize what's happening. And then I beg my kids and the Lord for forgiveness.

I will end with saying that I've had the majority of this post written and saved in my drafts since May of 2010. Not because it's not true, but because I was afraid of the backlash I'd receive by posting it. But if I'm honest with myself and deny that I don't struggle with occasional anger issues then I'm not being truthful with myself. And again, I believe that if I'm feeling these emotions of motherhood, surely other mothers feel the same way as well.

In the 8 months since this was originally drafted, I've prayed for the Lord to take away my anger, to help me pass it over to Him when I feel it welling up within me. But I've found that my ability to pass it over to Him is directly related to the amount of time I spend in fellowship with the Lord. When I get slack and don't make time with Him a priority, the enemy uses my tired brain as a short fuse to spark the fire of my anger.

So I confess. I sometimes struggle with anger. Do you? If not, what do you struggle with that's Taboo among Mommy and Christian circles? I'd be willing to bet, that more times that not, other Moms are struggling as well.

I want to leave you with a verse I found nearly 3 years ago and that has stuck with me and I have claimed as my life verse:

Not that I have already obtained this (righteousness) or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

(Philippians 3:12-14 ESV)

I'm praying for each of you reading this, that you will press on through the ugliness that plagues your heart, strain toward King Jesus and move forward to a place of repentance and healing. I'm praying that for myself too.

The life I deserve

My skin begins to crawl when I see people's statuses on facebook about being somewhere posh or enjoying a luxury and other people comment and say, "Oh girl! Enjoy your massage/vacation/new car. You DESERVE it."

Really? Do you really deserve it?

I'm going to be real honest here and tell you that if you do not believe in Jesus Christ and set the Bible as an authority over your life, then truthfully, this post isn't written for you. Especially what I'm about to say next.

Do you know what you and I really deserve?

Not a nice, new car. Not even a massage. And you can forget a long, relaxing, vacation. Mani and Pedi? Nope.

You and I deserve an eternity separated from God. An eternity.

Take that in for a few seconds.

Eternity. Can we even wrap our minds around that length of time?

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is
eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
- Romans 6:23

Sure, God wants us bless us with nice things. He wants to show His love for us by giving us massages and nice vacations and comfortable beds and abundant blessings that are unimaginable. But you know what? You don't deserve any of it. And neither do I.

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!
- Matthew 7:11

Jesus Christ alone is what makes us worthy of any of those blessings. His blood. His sacrifice. His atonement. And you know what else? It makes me fighting mad when we take ownership of the good things in our lives as if we caused or created or made them happen ourselves.

It makes me angry to my core when people claim what they deserve because they're a good person or they do good things or because they've done what's expected of them.

Because, if we really believe that we are the cause for the good things in our lives, because of our own goodness, then we are alternately saying that people who live lives that are not up to our social status are not good enough. That somehow, by their own badness, people who live below our standard of living have been born into a life of struggle and filth and disease as a punishment. Because they're bad.

The arrogance in that disgusts me.

I saw a photo below earlier today. It was posted by our sending organization, Africa Inland Mission. It's a shot of an island in Lake Victoria, near Tanzania, East Africa.

It's where people live. They choose this life to support their families and provide for them the best way they can.

No power. No running water. Grotesque conditions that most of us could never even dream of experiencing. Even the thought of the stench on that island burns my nostrils.

Do the people living there deserve that life because they are were born into poverty? Do they deserve it because they don't work hard enough or do enough good things? Do they deserve such a life becaues they weren't blessed enough to be born an upper or middle-class American or Canadian or European (or any other country that boasts a high population of middle-class citizens)?

To think such things is insane.

So why are we so quick to claim the blessings in our own life as deserved? The fact is, we did not procure any of the blessings in our life because of our own goodness. None of them. Not one. I don't deserve the food in my refrigerator right now. Nor the blanket that covers my lap. Nor the fresh, drinakable water that flows freely from every faucet (and even the toilets) in my home.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights,
who does not change like shifting shadows.
- James 1:17

I am fully prepared that this post isn't going to garner a lot of comments or positive feedback. And I don't care.

Because I fully believe that until we, as the body of Christ, realize that we are not worthy of the good things God has given us and until we take our redeemed lives, our possessions and our resources and offer them up on the altar of obedience to God, we will truly get what we deserve.

Lives lived in disobedience get a deserved distance from the One who knows us better than we know ourselves. He alone knows what is best for us.

You turn things upside down,

as if the potter were thought to be like the clay!

Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it,

"You did not make me"?

Can the pot say to the potter,

"You know nothing"?

- Isaiah 29:16

My desire is to live as bond servant of the Lord. Someone who has paid their debt through the saving power of Jesus Christ yet chooses to remain a slave to Him out of love.

Truly, I don't deserve a lick of what I take ownership of. Six healthy kids, a phenomenal husband, a nice, warm, spacious house. Clean water, food, clothing. None of it.

Lately, God is reminding me of this over and over and over again.

I've been counting my blessings more often, even the simple ones. I love more boldly. I savor those sweet, tender moments between myself and someone I love. Because I know that none of it is deserved and all of it is a gift.

While I do not belive that we deserve the blessings in our lives, God chooses to bless us (because of His goodness, mercy and grace) inspite of ourselves. And we should enjoy those blessings, savor them even. But never, ever should we take ownership of them and forget that the Lord is the provider of all good things.

And when the LORD your God brings you into the land that he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give you—with great and good cities that you did not build, and houses full of all good things that you did not fill, and cisterns that you did not dig, and vineyards and olive trees that you did not plant—and when you eat and are full, then take care lest you forget the LORD, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. It is the LORD your God you shall fear. Him you shall serve and by his name you shall swear.

- Deuteronomy 6:10-13 (emphasis mine)

I don't deserve the life I have. Not one bit of it. And I pray every day that I continue getting exactly what I don't deserve.

An apology

I feel like I owe you guys a deep apology.

While I was searching the "archives" for my last post, I came across this post. The sting of my words in this post made me hang my head in shame. Over the last several days, the Lord has convicted and gently spoken to me about the tone and the words of that post. And y'all, I'm just so very sorry.

While there is truth in that post, the curtness and the coldness with which I wrote was uncalled for an, truly, unacceptable.

Yes, I felt those things. But the Lord is showing me that just because I feel something, and even if it is a valid feeling, that doesn't give me the right to spew hatred and anger. While this post may not have offended you and though while my feelings and emotions were real the Lord is pressing me to rethink how I sounded. I feel very led to apologize publically, most specifically over my comments on Questions 3 & 4.

So I pray that you will accept any offense I may have given you all over this post. And maybe it didn't offend any of you and this is just another piece of humility pie the Lord is asking me to eat. He's been dealing with me deeply in the area of pride so I won't be surprised if that's the case. Either way, thank you all for receiving what I say here with a spirit of grace. Thank you for allowing me to be real, honest, blunt and open. Thank you for standing with us in prayer as we walk through difficult trials and as we've emerged stronger and more in tune with the will of God on the other side.

As we continue this journey that God has us on, I know that having you all at our side, praying for us, encouraging us and asking us tough questions will prove to be invaluable.

Thank you.

Youth

About 3 years ago we became friends with the folks who are now our best friends. We laughed and giggled and talked about the challenging things in life as we sat in the basement of our old house and our (mine and Luke's) kids snoozed away upstairs. Often, these friends would talk about their kids.

But the thing was, they didn't have kids. At least none that were legally theirs. In fact, they are actually several years younger than us and the kids they always clamored about were teenagers. Still, when they spoke of their kids they lit up and you could see the adoration in their faces and hear the love in their voices.

And I'll be honest. I didn't get it.

It was beyond me how two grown people could love teenagers so much. But, this was their ministry and they poured their lives into their "kids" who were really the 100ish students who make up our church's Student Ministry.

Over several months of hang out time in our basement, Luke and I saw more and more the passion these people had for their students. But, truthfully, I think we brushed it off a little. I mean, afterall, the guy was the Youth Pastor at our church for crying out loud. He got paid to hang out with teenagers. And his wife? Well, I think she could love a brick wall. She's incredibly compassionate that way.

But over the course of those months, and as we watched their affection for these students continue to grow, Luke and I became curious. I think Luke was interested way before I ever was. I mean, I HATED high school. Like, for serious hated it. I mean, at the time I didn't realize how much I loathed it but looking back, it wasn't my favorite season of life. I'm blessed by the friends I remain in contact with (which are few) but most of the memories I'd rather just push out of my head.

So how could I ever expect to love teenagers? Truth was, I couldn't. I dislike stupid drama, especially as it relates to boys or who-said-what or how "she totally is a backstabbing hussy and I can't believe I was ever her friend" then 5secondslater "ohmuhgod we're Bff's."

Yeah. It wasn't for me.

So, Mr. Youth Pastor casually (read: aggressively and persistently) coaxed us to host an upcoming youth weekend. Our former house was perfect for such an event, where 12-16 teenage girls would spend a Friday & Saturday night at our house, going in and out and doing all the things teenage girls do.

He basically sucker punched me because I think he knew (knows) that Hospitality is my spiritual gift and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE hosting people in our house. So, we said yes. And, we casually said that we'd be willing to give the whole youth department thing a try, beginning with this one discipleship weekend.

(This photo was taken that 1st discipleship weekend.)

Now, almost 3 years later my heart is so incredibly happy and sad. You see, those same students that we hosted for that long discipleship weekend are now some of my greatest friends. Even more, those same girls are all beginning college this week and my heart fills for them and breaks all in the same breath.

Needless to say, we officially became youth workers that weekend. But the truth is, over the last 3 years we've learned more about our God, more about our own walk and more about unconditional love than I ever though possible. And all FROM TEENAGERS. Wonderfully, magnificent, awesome teenagers who I now consider friends.

I know, you're probably asking how a 30 year old woman can be friends with a teenager /20something girl. Lemme just tell you, honestly...I'm not sure how that works. But it does. And nothing brings me greater joy than an evening spent with one of "our kids."

Sure we didn't birth them and legally we've not adopted any but they are still "our kids." And now I get how those friends of ours could sit in our basement and gush over teenagers. Because as our students have grown into amazing young men and women, we've watched them do glorious things for God's glory. We've watched them serve the Lord boldly in foreign countries. Giving up their summers for the glory of God. Not earning one red cent but acting in complete obedience.

We've watched them grow from an overly hyper high school sophomore (who I was going to kill if she drank ANY MORE RED BULL) into a young woman who desperately desires to know the heart of God.

We've seen their hearts get broken. We've stood in the wings and witnessed their victories. We've heard them tell us of their desires to step out of their comfort zones and allow God to provide them courage. We've laughed with them, cried with them, stayed up way too late eating chips and salsa with them. We've gotten in trouble with them. They've loved on our babies in ways that I'll never understand and, in turn, become the biggest heroes in the eyes of our children.
And, they let us act totally stupid and laugh with us rather than standing back and mocking us for the idiots that we really are. (See photos below.)


But most of all, we've grown in our faith with them. The thing that continues to amaze me is that even though they've seen us at our worst, they continue to love us. Unconditionally. We don't deserve the confidences they place in us, we aren't wise or knowledgeable enough for them to trust us with their hopes, dreams and secrets. Yet, they do.

They love us for who we are. Messy house, loud kids, imperfect ways and all. In fact, often when a teenager is here I put them to work, asking them to unload the dishwasher or hold so-and-so. I have no idea why they keep coming back. But they do and they bless me immensely each and every time.

One of my favorite memories of Kevin is when Aaron was just a small baby, maybe 4 months old. One of the big girls had a random puking episode while Kevin was visiting us. We were all gathered in the girls room when either Elizabeth or Ashlee tossed her cookies. I was holding Aaron, about to give him a bottle, and seeing the urgent need for me elsewhere I thrust Aaron into Kevin's arms and said flippantly, "Here. Feed him."

10 or so minutes later I walk into our living room and see Kevin sitting cross legged in the middle of our living room floor, cradling Aaron at about chin level and giving him his bottle. I burst into laughter and said, "Kevin, have you ever held a baby before?"

"No," he said nervously, "never."

To this day I still laugh when I think about the look that must have been on Kevin's face when I shoved Aaron in his arms and walked away. Too bad I was too busy with vomit to take note.

As as I sit here and think about the fact that the students that we just graduated are sitting in college dorm rooms right now, making new friendships and growing into adults my heart is swelling with mixed emotions.

I'm sad because I know that on Sunday mornings, I won't see their faces in my classroom anymore. I won't feel their hugs or see what they've done differently with their hair each week. Most of them won't be gracing my doorstep weekly, sitting at my kitchen table, pushing crumbs across it and avoiding eye contact because they have something serious to discuss. Several of them have moved far enough away that it will be a semester or more before I can embrace them and tell them just how much I've missed them. Truly, I won't be beside them as they walk into new territory and face hurdles that we've been preparing them to leap over.

Yet, excitement rises in my heart for them, knowing that this new life is fun, adventurous and fresh. I know that God has equipped them to live for His glory. I'm so excited to be able to watch them grow and change and mature into people doing God's work.

It's always been easy to love on these teenagers. The loving part is easy. Watching them grow and go...that's been the hardest season yet. How I hope they understand just how much I love them and just how fervently I pray over them.

Finally, as I write this I realize that maybe I never really told them just how much they taught me or how much I love them. But then I remembered. Love like this isn't something that you tell someone about one time. It's something you show them, remind them of and prove to them each time they allow you into their hearts. And I understand that they already know just exactly how I feel about them. I'd give them my right arm or the last peanut M & M. Which means I love them a whole friggin' lot.

He's my glimpse of the beginning

I loved reading your comments on my last post. All of them. Even if you don't believe the same things I believe, I appreciate your honesty and I'm honored that each of you care enough about me and this silly little blog to share your hearts with me. I'm humbled.

I pray that you will see my heart in the words that I'm hoping to pour out for you.

I've been working on this post since April 26th. I'd write a little then back off for a few days. Then write some more then walk away for a week. It's been an evolving post and I think I might have all of my thoughts out. Maybe.

I know I've blogged before about how I've changed since I became a professing Christian. And, I know that there are those of you who read this that knew me before I am the person I claim to be now. And, the truth is I'm pretty much the same person as before.

But I'm also completely different.

I'm still too loud.
I still talk too much.
I still say things that teeter on the edge of hysterical and slightly ill timed.
I still love to spend my time laughing, more than just about any other thing.

But, I'm also dramatically changed.

What the me of right now possesses that the the me of college and pre-kids never understood is Jesus.

Please. I'm begging you. If you'd normally stop reading a blog because of something religious being mentioned, I'm asking you not to stop just this once. Because I have some things that I'd like to say and they probably won't make a single, solitary difference to you. But maybe they will. And, I'm praying for the maybe.

There's a song by Addison Road called, "What do I know of Holy?" One of the lines says, "Then I caught a glimpse of who you might be. The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees."

I'm praying that if you've never caught a glimpse of who He might be that today you will. Not necessarily from my words or this post because, truthfully, I'm not that important. But I pray that the God of the universes calls to you and out of the corner of your heart you catch a glimpse.

Now...Who is Jesus to me? Glad you asked.

You see, I think there's a huge misdirection in the life of Christians and churches today. I think that, unfortunately, Christians and churches alike see Jesus and think of salvation as the end result.

"Change your ways, believe in Jesus and you will be SAVED!!"

Yes, that's true. Believing in Jesus will save you. It will save you from an assurance of eternity separated from God. But, I want to share with you where I think that most Christians (myself included) have missed the mark. You see, we often times see the salvation as the end of a journey. We sell ourselves short by saying we believe in Jesus, going church, changing some things and we then are saved.

I'm here to tell you that I don't really think salvation is the end. I don't think that the whole "then we are saved" is the final result.

Sure, I'm burdened for the eternity of people that will never choose Jesus. Yes, their eternity is vitally important. But where I think we Americans water down our faith is when we believe that the final destination is salvation.

You see, I'm a changed girl. I used to allow my body and mind to be used by whatever man I saw fit. I used to allow my soul to be captivated by things that were not healthy and certainly not encouraging. I used to allow my mind to linger on things that would ultimately damage my relationships and poison my heart.

And, then I met Jesus.

My love for Him wasn't overnight. I knew I needed more of Him but, truthfully, I wasn't sure what that looked like and I just knew I didn't want to be any place other than heaven when my body was left without a spirit. However, I can't tell you that I instantly fell in love and on such-and-such day my life began looking drastically different. I still struggled with lustful thoughts and allowed my heart to dwell on jealously and greed.

I wasn't changed overnight. But, I thought I should have been. I would beat myself up over my mistakes and obvious flaws because I was sure that any real Christian wouldn't struggle with such things. Afterall, calling yourself a Christian and then allowing profanity to spew all over another person is slightly, no blatantly, hypocritical. Calling yourself a Christian and then having lustful thoughts, even allowing them to engage your mind is just not permissible. Is it?

But, what I have slowly come to realize is that salvation isn't the end. It isn't the true definition of what a Christian is. Salvation doesn't mean that I've finally arrived. I've still got so, so, so much to learn. And truly the learning doesn't even BEGIN until salvation has occurred.

My point is, I am really beginning to believe that heaven is a byproduct of loving Jesus and that knowing God is the real reward.

Think about that.

Yes, heaven will be a glorious place. A place with no sin, no hurt, no hunger, no orphans, no sickness. My mind cannot grasp that no matter how hard I try. But I still think that heaven is a secondary prize of loving Jesus. Because, loving Jesus gets us to God.

God is the prize. He's the #1 benefit. He is what you get when you strip away all of the things that come along with labeling yourself as a Christian. Sure, heaven is awesome. But God? He's phenomenal.

David Platt wrote in his book Radical, "We realize that we are saved not just to be forgiven of our sins or to be assured of our eternity in heaven, but we are saved to know God."

Heaven isn't the reason that I pray over my thoughts and plead with God to control them. Desiring to know God more intimately is.

Heaven isn't the reason that I pray that my eyes will only be for my husband and that my desires will build within me so that I only crave his affection.
Desiring to know God on an intimately personal, yet totally vulnerable level is.

I didn't decide it was time for me to become a Christian because it was suddenly a little easier to control my tongue. I didn't decide it was time for me to become a Christian because I finally found a way to read my Bible more frequently. I didn't decide it was time for me to become a Christian because out of the blue my thought life became less centered on sexual immorality.

I didn't decide it was time for me to become a Christian because suddenly I am better equipped to do those things. It's actually the total opposite.

I am able to better control my tongue and my thoughts because I follow Jesus. I read my Bible more frequently because I desire to know Him more. It is possible for me to sometimes forget how I whored my body to men because as I desire to know more about Him, God is slowly erasing those memories from my mind.

I sure hope this is making sense because it's so hard to convey this with written words. What I'm trying to say is that

Reading my Bible
+
Controlling my tongue
+
Pushing away lustful thoughts
+
Having more self control
+
Speaking more kindly

DOES NOT equal Christianity.

I am not a lover of Jesus because I am finally able to do those things on my own accord. It's the total opposite.

Because I have seen how Jesus is the lover of my soul and because His Spirit (the one that rose dead men from their graves) lives within me am I now able to do the things I listed above.

Because of His Spirit's power deep inside my soul I have more self control, I speak more kindly, I'm better equipped to push out lustful thoughts when they enter my mind, I can more easily control my tongue and I desire to read my Bible, study it even, so that I can understand God's character.

My claims of being a believer in Jesus are not rooted in my desire to enter heaven. They are rooted in my desire to know God. And Jesus is my in. He's the one holding the back door open for me so that I can sneak in. In John 14:6 Jesus spoke these words, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

Can I just tell you that before I understood Jesus, before I caught a glimpse of who He is I thought that He was an arrogant jerk? I thought that he had an awful lot of gall for claiming to be the be-all end-all. Can I also tell you that just a glimpse of Him changed my perspective?

It is my whole-hearted plea with the Lord that each person that I love and each person reading these words would also know God on an intimate level. One that changes you to your very core. My prayer is that God would reach into your soul and pull out the seeds of sin that have deeply planted themselves in the dark places that you never thought could be touched.

Trust me, I know those parts. The parts of you that you are afraid to confess to the darkness of night even when no one else is home, the doors are locked and you are certain, certain not even your faintest whisper would ever grace the ear of another human, yet you still don't utter a word because who thinks/does/says those things?

Please believe that the God of all creation who chose to send himself in human flesh so that he could meet you where you are knows your darkness and he loves you anyway. How I wish I could show you how much my heart aches for you to feel that love. It drives me to my knees.

Yes, I desire to see you "get into" heaven. But I really believe that being with you in heaven would just be icing on the proverbial cake. Seeing you flourish in the love that the Lord himself has for you would be my heart's greatest desire. Knowing that you could be missing out on experiencing the greatest love ever known makes tears spring to my eyes.

I desire it so deeply for you. And yet, my fear is that many people reading this profess to be Christians and have never felt that love. Many people reading profess that they know God apart from knowing Christ Jesus. And, that doesn't make me love them less. Nor does it make God love them less. But it does ensure that they are missing out on knowing and abiding in the love the Creator has for them.

I can testify to that because the me of 7 or 8 years ago never knew this kind of love. She never knew that even though her claims of Christianity were voiced, her heart had never truly felt the Father's love. She never knew that the sin that had grown deep roots could never be removed unless she allowed the Lord into the darkest places of her soul. She never felt complete. She never felt the desire to move outside of what was comfortable, what was normal and forsake her own desires because that meant knowing God even more deeply. And, she wouldn't have cared even if I had told her what she was missing.

Me. Now. I feel it. Yes, I struggle with holding my tongue and anger and jealousy and still, infrequently - lust. But the grip that those things held me with so tightly, will never again hold me captive. You see, knowing the God of the universe is more important to me. Knowing His plans and His desires for my life far reach my own desires. Knowing that His perfect plan will increase my faith and equip me with just what I need is enough.

So who is Jesus to me?

He is the conqueror of my darkness. He is the lover of my burdened heart. He is the One that knows me intimately and yet chooses me anyway. He's the One that chose to get his hands dirty when he reached down to pull me from the pit.

He's my glimpse of the beginning.

Radical: Someone worth losing everything for

Well, in the post below this one, I told you all that I would be blogging about Chapter 1 of David Platt's new book, Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream.

WOW.

About half way through chapter 1 (Which, by the way, you can click here to read for free. Just scroll down and enter your email address at the bottom.) I began wondering how in the world I'd summarize my thoughts after underlining (yes, I write in books) or journaling over half of what I'd read.

So for you math wizards, that means I'd found 1/4 of the chapter pretty earth shaking and I'd only read half of it. I don't know what mathematical formula I can produce to show you just how much I finally ended up noting, but it was A BUNCH. Put that in your calculator and crunch it.

Anyway, here are the things that truly stuck out to me the most...

Page 7, "We are settling for a Christianity that revolves around catering to ourselves when the central message of Christianity is actually about abandoning ourselves."

Um. Yeah. Wow. So very, very true. Why is it that as a Christian I try to cater my worship, my service and my devotion around ME? Shouldn't I be catering everything around Jesus and how my life should glorify Him? Yes, yes I should. I'm a selfish beast, apparently.

Page 13, David Platt (DP as I will call him from now on because I can and I'm lazy) is talking about how we, as Americans, make Jesus into a nice, middle-class Jesus. "A Jesus who doesn't mind materialism and who would never call us to give away everything we have. A Jesus who would not expect us to forsake our closest relationships so that he receives all our affection."

(I really should probably just quote all of page 13. Or you could just BUY THE BOOK.)

Anyway, after saying how we are changing Jesus from what the Scriptures say about Him to a middle-class American Jesus, DP says the following, "But do you and I realize what we are doing at this point? We are molding Jesus into our image. He is beginning to look a lot like us because, after all, that is whom we are most comfortable with. And the danger now is that when we gather in our church buildings to sing and life up our hands in worship, we may not actually be worshiping the Jesus of the Bible. Instead we may be worshiping ourselves."

(Emphasis added by ME.)

Holy stinkweed. I'm pretty sure that DP reached off the page and slapped me across the face with page 13. I mean really, do I REALLY love the Jesus in Scripture? Do I REALLY love the man who told me to forsake everything, everything to follow Him? Forsake my husband? Forsake my kids? Forsake being totally and utterly comfortable?

Do I really love THAT Jesus?

I'm not sure that I do, honestly.

And I am currently praying that God cultivates my relationship with my Savior so that I love the real Jesus and not the one I'm comfortable with.

PS: If you haven't bought this book, you should at least download the first chapter and READ PAGE 13. I'm just sayin'.

Moving right along...

Page 17, DP is talking about when Jesus told the rich man to abandon his possessions and give to the poor. DP says, in reference to that scripture, quoting it even, "'Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.' If we are careful, we can misconstrue these radical statement from Jesus in the Gospels and begin to think that he doesn't want the best for us."

And that's where I got kicked in the teeth. If I really believe what the Jesus of the Bible says about being a follower, shouldn't I already know that He has my best interests at heart? Shouldn't I realize that even though it seems excruciatingly hard for me to sacrifice my own life, for one sold out to him, that in the end I am getting the ultimate best for me. Afterall, Jesus loved me enough to pay my ransom, wouldn't He know what is best for my life?

Finally, on page 21 DP writes in regard to the rest of his book, "We will look at the core truth of a God-centered gospel and how we have manipulated it into a human-centered (and ultimately dissatisfying) message. We will see a purpose for our lives that transcends the country and culture we live in, and we will see our desperate need for his presence to fulfill that purpose in us."

"...and in the end we will determine not to waste our lives on anything but uncompromising, unconditional abandonment to a gracious, loving Savior who invites us to take radical risk and promises us radical reward."

I don't know about you, but the thought of radically abandoning my own selfish desires, my own comfortable life, for one that will accomplish the purposes of Christ is SCARY. It shakes me to my core. It brings tears to my eyes and lump in my throat. What if God asks me to do something HARD? I don't wanna do anything hard!

Following the Jesus of Scripture could cost me everything I hold closest.

But what's my alternative? To live a comfortable life worshiping a Jesus that I've crammed into my middle-class world? Is that really even worshiping Jesus or would I then be worshiping a false god that I've created?

Truly I see no choice. If I say I believe in Jesus Christ as the atonement for my sin, then I have no choice. If I say I know that Jesus took my burden, paid a ransom for my life, and I love him within the depths of my soul, then I have no choice.

Radical abandonment to Christ is the legacy I want to leave. Following the Jesus of the Bible is my only hope.

--------

What did you think about Chapter 1? I can't wait to hear your thoughts!

Radical: What is Jesus worth to you?

Luke and I have been listening to David Platt for a few years now. People, he's bold. He examines the Scriptures and cuts out all the fluff of what the American Christian walk is perceived as and tells you what it should be.

I love that he makes no excuses for the Bible and what it says. I love that he rocks my world when I listen to his messages. I love that he takes the words of Scripture and tells you, flat out, what your responsibility is as a believer in Jesus Christ.

And, truthfully, about 18 months ago, Luke and I listened to one of David Platt's podcasts and I walked away seriously questioning my salvation and the authenticity of my faith. Truly, listening to this young pastor, just 31 years old, (who holds degrees far beyond my intellect) I am challenged to the core about what I say I believe about my God and about my Savior.

When Luke and I found out that David Platt was releasing a book, we were super excited. Luke picked up the book last week and we are reading our way through it, together. I'm already through Chapter 1 and I just cannot tell you how much it is already challenging me. Take a look at the promo video below and if you'd like, go pick up the book yourself and feel free to leave your comments. You can purchase the book here or at your local bookstore.

Additionally, you can go to radicalthebook.com, scroll to the bottom of the page and enter your email address for free access to Chapter 1.

I'll plan on posting about my thoughts and Chapter 1 later this week. I would say "Happy Reading!" but I really think Radical Reading is more accurate.

So...Radical Reading, everyone!

Radical by David Platt from Taylor Robinson on Vimeo.

PS: You can find and download David Platt's podcasts on iTunes. But be warned, they will cause you to radically look inside your heart and see if the faith you claim is really the faith you live.

(I was in no way compensated for blogging about this book or encouraging others to read or buy it. I just love Jesus a whole lot and I think this book might be the ticket to getting myself and others to authentically live out what we say we believe.)

Possible...not easy

I just heard from our realtor that it will probably be next week before we close on our house. As anxiety begins to creep into my mind, I am reminded that He is in control. And, I don't think it's an accident OR a coincidence that I found this little sign at Hobby Lobby yesterday.

(Faith makes things possible...not easy.)

When I saw it, I scooped it up and knew it was perfect for this season of our lives. And God has provided for us richly during the last few weeks. I'm sure He will continue to provide for us and through our faith in Him make things possible, if not always easy.

If you feel led to pray along side us for a swift and immediate closing date, we'd be very appreciative.

Thanks friends.

Phenomenal Cosmic Power!!...itty bitty living space

A while back I emailed a friend to see how she was doing. Unfortunately, the email I received back was heartbreaking. She has experienced a loss recently. The first line of her email to me read,

"I have actually thought a lot about you lately, because you are definitely a great person to go to for prayers."

Wow. Really? Me? Surely not. Still, she's not the first person to say something of this nature to me. In fact, about a year ago another friend called me asking me to pray for someone we mutually knew because that person was experiencing the loss of her unborn baby. Again, my friend said,

"Will you pray for her because I know you are tight with the Big Guy."

I know that it's not a secret that I love me some Jesus. But, both of these comments got me to thinking about prayer and whether or not my prayers are more or less effective than anyone else's prayers.

Here's a secret for you. I don't think they are. But still, I've been wondering...how powerful are my prayers? Are certain people more effective prayer warriors? Do certain people get more prayers answered than others.

The truth is, I didn't know. So, I went to the authority on all things prayer. God's word.

James 5:16 says this about prayer, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

Humm...so being righteous = powerful and effective prayers. Got it.

That pretty much counts me out then. Because, and I'm gonna admit something here people, based on my own actions, I'm FAR from righteous. If righteousness were the east then...

Hello, my name is West. Nicetomeetyou.

But wait, the first line of that verse says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other..."

It doesn't say, "Confess your sins ONLY to righteous people" now does it? No, it says confess your sins to each other so you may be healed.

Psalm 34 also addresses prayer and righteousness. Verse 15 specifically says that "the eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry."

Humm...sounds like I need a sack full of righteousness in order for my prayers to be heard OR effective, doesn't it? "So," you might ask, "how can I become righteous or is that even possible?"

Well, let me introduce you to my little friend called Romans Chapter 3. (I have linked Romans 3 using The Message version, but my favorite version is the English Standard Version. For some reason though, on Bible Gateway, the ESV has a lot of references and I find it annoying to read around them. You can certainly change it by choosing English Standard or New Living or whatever tickles your fancy, if you don't enjoy The Message.)

Romans Chapter 3 pretty much outlines the righteousness of God. You see, according to God's perfect character He MUST be righteous. Because of His perfection, He cannot allow Himself in the presence of sin.

I represent sin. Therefore, me = unrighteousness = cannot go before God. Prayer = going before God.

Yesterday, when I got ticked at Luke for drinking his milk too loud....yep, me = unrighteous. And last week when I was utterly livid that my dear, charming, wonderful husband forgot to take out our bathroom trash....me = unrighteous.

(I could go on, but I think you're getting the picture. Apparently my sin and my hormones are playing some seriously hilarious tricks on me.)

(Too bad my sense of humor hasn't caught up.)

(I'm just sayin'. That milk drinking was L.O.U.D. You shoulda been here.)

So if I'm so stinkin' unrighteous how in the heck am I suppose to pray and ever expect those prayers to be heard, much less answered?

Insert, JESUS. (Please don't tune me out because I dropped the J*bomb. Hear me out, mmmkay?) I love that in The Message version, verses 21-31 are subtitled as

God has set things right

Oh yes-sir-ee, He sure has. You see Jesus is the righteousness that I can never possess. In the Old Testament (also known as the Torah for the Jews - which is who Paul is referencing when he says "us." Paul was Jewish. When he says, "them" he is talking about Gentiles. Gentiles are non-Jewish people. Thatwouldbeme.) the Jewish people were required to live out the letter of the law(s) to be considered righteous. They are considered God's chosen people and often, Jewish people believed that they were more righteous than Gentiles because of their chosen status.

Whew. Still there? Good.

If we recognize the laws as our ticket to righteousness then we would constantly be seeing where we are falling short.

But Jesus, He made us ALL righteous. You see, Jesus was blameless. He never got ticked at His Mom for drinking her milk too loud or because His brother forgot to take the trash out. Jesus never uttered ugly words under His holy breath or disobeyed His parents or even told a tiny, little white lie.

Never. Let me tell you how hard it is for me to grasp that concept. VERY HARD.

(Often, I think about what it must have been like to be Jesus' Mom and have a blameless son. Then my head explodes and I remember that I have 5 kids, all of which take after their mother and are SIN-NERS.)

Still, even though He was blameless He took the blame, all of it. He took the blame for my anger at my husband, my short-temper with my kids, my impatience with the car in front of me who's been sitting at a green light for a sweet forever. Jesushelpmenow.

All of it. Gone in God's eyes. As long as I believe (and follow) Jesus. So, lemme break this down for you real quick-like.

Me + sin = unrighteous

BUT....

Me + sin + JESUS = righteous

It's simple math really.

I could go on and on and on about prayer and how I think that God uses our prayers to mold us rather than to put in our requests to Him, but that's a whole 'nother post. For now, I hope that if I've shed any light on a topic that was (for me) hard to understand that you'll pray earnestly and without hesitation to the God of all things.

And pray knowing, that if you have Jesus covering your righteousness, your prayers will be heard as if you are a righteous man who prays with power and effectiveness. And you know what, if you ask me to pray for or with you, I will. Because my prayers are powerful and effective as well. Can you just imagine what God does when one righteous person prays, much less two? Holy Dinah.

It kinda makes me think of my favorite Disney movie of all time, Aladdin. At the end, the Genie turns Jafar into an all-powerful Genie promising him "PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER!" with an "itty, bitty living space."

I think prayer is the same way. Sometimes you've just got to release this phenomenal power within your soul and realize that the key to that door resides in the tiniest of living spaces, your heart.

But, don't take my word for it, go read it for yourself.

Video killed the radio star, or something like that...

Some of you who know me IRL (in real life) may already know this. But whether you know me IRL or only virtually, I have something to tell you.

I can't listen to secular music.

Notice I didn't say I shouldn't, or that I don't want to. It's just that I can't.

It's not because I think that secular music is un-Christian. In fact, I love me some Carrie Underwood (at least her first album after her American Idol win). And, that Apple Bottom song is pretty good too (Plus, Luke will drop-it-like-its-hot to that song. And this youtube clip of that red-headed kid dancing to it just CRACKS me up.).

And just the other night we turned on the radio in our living room and all 7 of us had a super fun dance party. We rocked it out to some Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" and even some new, funky music that I'm sure all the hip teenagers are listening to these days.

So, it's not that I think Christians shouldn't listen to secular music. It's just that I can't.

You see, before I married my husband I made choices about my life that didn't involve God or prayer or guidance from Godly counsel.

Some of those were good choices, like my decision that a wallet with a chain should probably be eliminated from my wardrobe. Yeah, I'm serious.

Some of those were bad choices. Like the choice to give my body to the guys I dated. Choices to live for the moment and not think about my future husband.

In high school, I really believed that I was going to marry the guys I dated. I really believed that if I was going to marry them anyway, why not go ahead and do the things married people do?

In college I enjoyed the good time I had with whoever I could have it with. The thoughts of how it would effect me, my marriage and even my children 10 years later never even occurred to me. I mean, whoever I married would have baggage too, right?

And isn't that what the world leads us to believe? I was watching a late night show the other night and one of the (female) guests said that she thought that people should just have sex before they ever went on their first date. That way, if the sex was bad, they wouldn't waste their time dating. She thought this was an excellent idea for everyone, except her two teenage daughters.

I wonder why her views changed when she thought of her own children? Perhaps she too knows why I can't listen to secular music.

For me scanning the radio dial is dangerous territory. Since it's been quite a while since I've listened to anything other than my iPod or Christian radio, I know very few new songs. So you'd think that the general radio would be safe, huh?

Notsomuch.

You see, it wasn't too long ago that I thought I could give the radio a try. I turned it on to our local New Music station and began listening. The first few songs were okay.

Then it happened. They played an oldie-but-goodie.

At first I was like, "Oh! I like this song!" But then, I remembered. I remember who he was and how I felt about him. I remembered what he smelled like and how I gave myself to him.

He was not husband. Thoughts and memories came back to me that I had thought I had forgotten. I snap back to reality when one of my children calls for me from the back of the van. The rest of the day I spend fighting off thoughts of him and what we did.

I'm totally serious. It's that bad and it doesn't bring blessings and warm fuzzies to my marriage.

I do have fond memories too that are evoked by songs. Sweet Home Alabama will always make me giggle and want to stand on a chair (500 points to the first person who knows why and can say so TACTFULLY in the comment section). Brown Eyed Girl will never be sung the same and will always have my sorority's twist on it. And the Dixie Chicks' first album will forever remind me of my first semester in college and the freedom I felt being on my own. Plus, Salt-n-Peppa will forever make me wanna Shoop.

So maybe it's dramatic for me to seclude my self from the secular music world. I'm sure there are many other secular songs that would evoke fond memories of my past. But in all honesty, it just too dangerous.

Why would I risk having a mental affair with someone I should have never been involved with in the first place? Why would I want to risk lowering my husband in my eyes because of a "good" memory (that is probably skewed) with another man?

I can't find a single reason why. Hopefully, your past is less tainted than mine. Hopefully the radio doesn't send you into a tailspin of emotion from years past.

But for me, my past killed my ability to freely listen to the radio. It has killed my ability to be hip and cool and know the newest Black Eyed Peas song. But I'm guessing that even if I knew the lyrics, I wouldn't be that cool anyway.