Veruca Salt-iness

I have to confess that lately my prayers have become quite selfish. When Baby D first got here, my prayers were purely for God's will. My heart's earnest desire was to see this family come to know Christ and be reunited. Over the last several days, they have turned VERY selfish. I struggled with whether or not to post this (its been sitting here since last Wednesday), but I felt that I had posted every other emotion I've felt so far, so why not this one too?

My prayer life has started revolving around my own selfish desires. As I continue to work through Experiencing God, I read about George Müller and how he prayed in the Spirit. To do this, he first prayed for God to take all of his own desires out of his heart, each and every last one of them. Then, he asked for the Spirit to place God's desires within him. So, knowing I am being very selfish lately, yesterday I asked God to take my desires. As I sat there, waiting....wanting God to take them, I felt my heart begin to lift. I felt a tinge of relief...then suddenly as if I was physically moving I felt my heart reach out and grab all of my emotions and pull them back. Almost as if they were being smothered within me. Imagine a balloon that is about to float away into the clouds, then at the last minute you grab the last inch of string and violently pull it toward you, engulfing it with your arms.

I feel this inner struggle constantly. I want to release it all to God, but for some reason I'm holding on, unable to let go completely. Am I afraid of God's desires? Am I fearful of what I might feel? I'm busying myself with other things, like arguing or picking fights with my husband. In my quiet time, I'm searching for answers to my questions, rather than opening my heart to hear what God wants to say. I am looking for signs rather than God.

I'm being very selfish. I want to know ALL of the answers NOW. I want MY WAY. I want what I FEEL is best for me. Where is that refuge I had mere days ago? Geesh, I'm such an Israelite! I forget so quickly how redemptive God is and I turn to myself to solve my problems. Surely this too will pass, but I know that I must pray my way through it, and I just don't have the strength right now. I want Baby D forever, not just for now. I want everyone to see that we would make the best home for him. I want God to answer the cries of my heart.

I sort of feel like Veruca Salt on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory..."No Daddy, I want it NOW!" Unfortunately, God has never answered these demanding prayers in the past and I don't think He'll be starting anytime soon. So, I'm back to waiting, praying and trusting. I'm back to offering up my thoughts on a minute by minute basis. I'm back to asking God to change my heart. I mean, the world doesn't need another Veruca, and I certainly don't want THAT as my legacy.