Decay

I sat, reclined way back in the chair, as she updated me on her family, while her tools filled my mouth. She scraped, I listened to how her son liked his first year of "big" school.

I knew the question was coming among the small talk we were making back and forth.

Side note: Why do they do that? If you are dental hygienist, can you explain this to me? Why do y'all ask a question, then shove your tools in our mouth so that there is no possible way in the universe that we could ever answer you? Every.single.time.

Anyway, she asked how our kids were doing, how homeschooling was going, how my teeth were feeling. I like my hygienist. She always seems to remember the details of my life, even though I'm sure she's just reflecting on the notes in my chart.

I knew the question was coming. As she scraped the plaque off my teeth, especially in the nooks and crannies and spaces between, I knew it was bound to be next out of her mouth.

"Are you brushing regularly?"

"Yes." I stated hesitantly, because I knew it was coming. "I can tell," she responded, "you have great teeth."
She scraped and scraped. The dentist came in and checked. They took that little mirror and explored my entire mouth. Nothing inside it was a secret anymore.

The dentist gave me a clean bill of health. Well, at least as far as my mouth goes, anyway. Then, she came at me with that stuff. I knew the question that was next.

"So, are you flossing every day?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

For a brief moment, I thought about lying. But, like I always do, I confessed the truth. "No," I said ashamedly, my mouth full of floss and her fingers.

"When was the last time you flossed?" she asked.

"Um...I think you did it," I said and sort of laughed, "or maybe a few months ago when I had something I couldn't get out between my teeth."

"Well, at least you're honest," she laughed.

(Am I the only one who knows the question is coming, yet it doesn't prompt me to floss regularly before my next visit?)

And then it hit me. Isn't that exactly how my prayer life is? Because, (I'm going to be honest y'all) my prayer life sorta stinks. Like that stinky old, nasty stuff that grows between my teeth.

Today, I think I figured out why. I'm afraid y'all. I'm afraid that when I enter the presence of the Lord He's going to flush out all the nasty, gross, disgusting decay that's growing in the places that I try my best to keep hidden. And he should. But truthfully, I don't want Him to. It hurts.

But really, I mean, who am I trying to kid? The Lord already knows everything that's in there. Just like my sweet dental hygienist, there's no lying about all the stuff I'm able to keep secret from everyone else.

If my BFF asked me if I floss everyday, I could easily say, "Yeah. Sure, I do." But the dentist knows differently. The same is true with the Lord. It's easy to put up the perception of being a "good" Christian. I can spout off Scripture, give you some Biblical truth served up on a silver platter and even lead Bible studies. But if my prayer life is amiss, it all seems, well....fake. It's like I smile and on the outside appear to have this great mouth full of teeth. But one glance in the mirror and well, I know how long it's been since the nastiness was removed.

My hearts desire is to get on my knees and cry out to my Lord. But, truthfully, I'm afraid. I'm afraid He'll see the truth and then maybe change His mind about calling us to the mission field, or maybe I really can't handle all these kids, or maybe He messed up giving me the blessing of a Godly husband.

(source)

But the real truth is, He sees it anyway. No tiny mirrors needed. He sees it all. And yet, He chooses to bless me despite the decay I allow to grow in the crevices of my soul. My sinful desires override my spirit's desires to make me clean, from the inside out. I get so frustrated with myself and I wonder why I don't feel near to the Lord.

I think the answer is on my knees. I need to go before the King, beg him to remove the decay and stench from my soul and purify me. Then, the nearness will come.

And then, maybe, search for that spool of dental floss.

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What do you do to keep your prayer life in check?

Prayer Cards

With each step of this process of getting to Kenya it's becoming more and more real....we are really moving to Africa.

We are going to be international missionaries.

We have an amazingly talented friend who can just about whip up anything on the computer. I'm sure our new prayer cards only took him about 10 minutes, but man, they are impressive!

Here's the frontside:

And here's the back....

I didn't upload these to Flickr so that if you desire, you can enlarge them and print them. Or, if you'd like a "real" one, you can email me your address and I'll stick one in the mail to you. (Don't be alarmed when a pledge card shows up with the prayer card. For some reason, the two refuse to be mailed alone. Funny how that works. ;)

They make great decorations on your fridge, bathroom mirror, dashboard of your car, forehead, ceiling above your bed, in your Bible, on the microwave door, on the coffee pot, on the wall beside the toilet.....you know, anywhere that you will see it often and pray for us. We cherish your prayers as this process is becoming more challenging with each step.

We are at just under 10% of our monthly support goal which is A-MA-ZING! I can hardly believe the ways God is using His people to support His ministry. Thanks for caring about us and the ministry God is preparing us for in Kenya. I can't wait to see how He's going to unfold all of this!

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On a sidenote: Our treasured friends, Chris and Lindy over at Only Servants Ministries are expecting their little miracle, Ezra, any day now. Lindy's been having contractions about every 10 minutes for about 24 hours now. She'll be delivering the baby in Kenya with a great doctor at a great hospital. Please pray for Lindy, Chris and baby Ezra as they journey through the process of labor and delivery. Thanks friends!

GOD ANSWERS PRAYER!

EVAN IS COMING HOME!!

Click here to read the official post from Evan's family but, y'all, SHE'S COMING HOME!!

The same judge that denied the adoption of another child with Down Syndrome just a couple of weeks ago GRANTED THE ADOPTION of Evan who also happens to have Down Syndrome.

THE SAME JUDGE!

God is amazing y'all. Simply amazing. Thank you for praying with me and countless others.

How I am praying that now, the judge will overturn her own ruling for Kirill's family! Will you pray with me about that too?

Prayer Update!

I read an update on one of the sweet babies in Russia who has Down Syndrome. (If you have no clue what I'm talking about read my post from yesterday by clicking here.)

CLICK HERE to read about Evan and her family's update.

I've joined the facebook page "Saving Kirill" and Kirill's mom posted this update sometime last night:

"IMPORTANT!!! Our appeal was filed today. I just found out from our agency that our judge *can* overturn her own ruling simply based on the appeal WITHOUT us going to the Supreme Court. Our agency says that would be a "miracle" but there is a chance. Good thing God works miracles! SO....START. PRAYING. NOW!"

Will you join with me in praying for these sweet babies who have Mommies and Daddies who desperately want them? Pray BOLD and pray BIG for these sweet treasures who could very well pave the way for more adoptions of children with Down Syndrome from this region in Russia. Pray for the judge's heart to be softened and for God's Spirit to move in her and that she would speak only the words only HE desires.

Thanks friends.

Urgent prayer needed!

If you don't read anything else today, read THIS.

Click here to read about a family who is in Russia attempting to adopt a sweet little boy who happens to have Down Syndrome. This would be the 1st Down Syndrome adoption in this region of Russia and the judge had denied them adoption because she said that their boy was better off in an institution rather than a family.

JUST BECAUSE HE HAS DOWN SYNDROME! Ridiculous!

Please join me today in praying for this sweet family and the other pending adoptions of Down Syndrome children in this region of Russia!

Click here for another blog that gives more information about other adoptions of children with Down Syndrome in this specific area of Russia.

Thanks friends.

He hears my every word

I go before the Lord and all I can mutter is, "Oh God, please God."

My heart is heavy. Broken even. And all I can say is His name over and over again. Which is why Romans 8:26-28 plays through my mind so often,

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Because the truth is, I don't know what I ought to pray. I don't know how to verbalize the pain and hurt within my heart as it runs deeper than any I've ever known before.

So I crumple myself before the feet of the King, knowing that His word stands true and that His Spirit is interceding on my behalf according to the will of God. And I sit, saying nothing other than His name. Begging Him for intercession when my words fail me. Knowing that I could rattle off dozens of my own physical or tangible desires but the things of my heart that are the heaviest, the most broken, are those unseen. Nothing of the physical is needed for my body. Nothing tangible do I hunger for. Only Him and the intimacy that He brings in the times when I am alone.

Throughout the day, I mutter prayers for people I love as they cross my mind, "Lord, help my friend overcome that stomach bug," or "be with so-and-so as she and her husband discuss delicate subjects with family" or "help my friend as she prepares for childbirth" or "help my friend to know that YOU are provider " but of the things that weigh me down - to the point of sometimes feeling that I physically cannot stand - of those, I cannot speak.

Somedays, I just sit in front of my Bible unable to focus on the words on the page because my heart aches so much. "Oh God, please God."

It's hard. Following the Lord is HARD. Jesus never said it would be easy and I knew that. But I guess I never realized that the enemy would attack me where it hurts the most. THE VERY MOST.

And so I fall, facedown before the King of Kings, the Great I AM, The Beginning and the End, The Faithful and the True, The Hope of Glory, the Lord of lords, the One who writes the history of the world, and I beg Him over and over for something I cannot even find words for.

And I know He hears my every word.

Prayers for Bennett

Hey folks. I'd like to ask you to send up some prayers on behalf of my blog-friend Adrienne. Although I've never met her IRL (in real life) we've emailed back and forth several times and she has just encouraged me in countless ways.

Yesterday, Adrienne delivered their son Bennett at 26 weeks and 5 days. Adrienne has had many complications throughout this pregnancy. After having 6 miscarriages Adrienne was finally able to maintain her pregnancy with Bennett. He is their 4th child though, since they've welcomed 3 others into their home through adoption. The last two little ones in their house have joined them in the last 8 months and both of their 2 littlest ones are just over year old! Their oldest son, Owen, is just 4 years old! They've gone from 1 child to 4 small children in just a year. What a blessing!

That's just a snippet of their story. Check out Adrienne's blog and lift up her family, especially Bennett in prayer if you will. I know that they have a long, long road ahead of them.

Thanks friends.

Update on my Maw

Hey peeps.

Today has proven to be an amazing day. I'm telling you, God has really shown off in the last 24 hours. I mean, He acts like He's actually in control of all things or something. Geesh. ;-)

My Maw is doing fabulous. I just left visiting with her in the ICU and she was eating applesauce and threatening to charge the nurses for every vile of blood they took from her. Typical of my Maw. Excessively typical.

This morning, she walked to the end of the hall and back. Since I just told you about the whole eating thing, I'm guess you could infer that she is off the ventilator. But in case you couldn't, she's off the ventilator. Her heart is also sustaining its own rhythms and she in no longer needing the pacemaker.

She will remain in the ICU tonight, but purely as a precaution. Hopefully tomorrow, she will be moved to the step-down unit.

I probably won't blog about her status and recovery here regularly. However, if you'd like to follow her recovery or leave her a comment you can click here and go to the blog we've set up that will follow her recovery, even after she comes home.

Thanks so much for your prayers and thoughts. I know that they were heard by our marvelous Creator. I am amazed at how wonderful His blessings continue to be.

Surgery Day: Update

745pm Update:

We got to go back and see Maw for a few brief moments. I'll be honest, it was really hard seeing her in that condition, although I was expecting it - as much as I could.

She continues to be on the ventilator and has tubes everywhere. She is on medication to ELEVATE her very, very low blood pressure and is also on an external pacemaker. Our understanding is that without these two things she would have no blood pressure or heart rhythm.

The nursing shift is changing now and the new nurse will begin weaning her off sedation within the hour. With that, they will also begin trying to wean her off the ventilator. However, as the doctor said previously, her accelerated lung disease (due to many, many years of smoking) is a big factor in how well she will respond to the decreased level of the vent.

Visiting hours end at 9pm EST and at that time we will be asked to leave the ICU and we cannot return until 9am tomorrow morning. We can, however, call at any time for an update.

Unless there is significant improvement or a significant decrease in her condition, I won't update again until tomorrow.

Thank you all so much for your prayers. Right now we are just praying for her to be strong enough to be weaned from sedation so that her body can begin to regulate itself. We appreciate your thoughts and prayers so very much.


5:00pm Update:

Surgery began about 5 minutes before 8:00am. Maw came through surgery well. The surgeon met with us about 1.5 hours ago and said that they bypassed 4 arteries and replaced her aortic root and valve. He commented that she had more lung disease than we originally thought (due to 60+ years of smoking cigarettes). Additionally, that getting her lungs and airways to dialate properly so that she can get adequate oxygen is going to be important.

We are waiting outside of the ICU now to go back and see her for the 1st time since surgery. I'll try to update again later tonight.

We've got a long 48 hours ahead. Thanks again for the prayers.


Original Post:

Today is surgery day for my Maw. If you're visiting my blog today, please offer up a prayer for her, the surgeons, the doctors, the hospital staff, the nurses and all involved in the surgery.

I will try to update throughout the day via my twitter account, if you'd like to know how things are going.

Thanks for all your support friends. It's going to be a long day and I appreciate your thoughts and prayers more than you know.

My Grand Maw

To the average person, possibly even to my own husband, these trinkets that live on top of the bookshelf in our bedroom are meaningless. They appear to be just junk, possibly some random garage sale finds or some misplaced pieces to a not-so-complete collection.

But when I glance at them I see a passageway to my childhood. These things take my mind back nearly 25 years to a place where I spent my time doing nothing and everything all at once.

Looking at those Pepsi-Cola bottles and that tiny, little teapot, I can almost taste the sweet tea that I spent hours pouring back and forth between their narrow openings. I can smell the distinct fragrance of my Maw's house. I can feel the warmth of her propane heater as I sit at her kitchen table and pour and drink, pour and drink, pour and drink for hours on end.

And that is just how I remember my Grandmother's (Maw's) house from my childhood. Warm, sweet and wonderful.

As I sit here and think about all the things I cherished about her home as a small girl, I can almost hear the music floating through her den as it played from that little, wooden music box, pictured above. I feel my body spinning through her house as I dance and sway and pretend I'm a princess or ballerina or bride.

I remember the scotch tape and cotton ball bandaids she used to make for me when I got boo boos, whether they were real or imagined. I remember her special shelf, where she kept all sorts of interesting things. Most were breakable, like the bottles and teapot above, but all were just for my tiny fingers to touch and hold and enjoy.

I remember her singing to me as I lay in the window seat of her den, the words to "Goodnight Irene" floating through my head as she stroked my hair and I fell asleep on her lap.

I remember ice cream cones from the corner ice cream shop and finally being old enough to walk there by myself and get a cone to bring home.

I remember her neighbor's woodshop, where Mr. Reisner built things from scratch. And swinging on the playset in her backyard and sitting on the stool in her bathroom and playing with her makeup.

There are so many things I remember about my Maw's house. The laughter, the love, the way it was always just there. And as I sit here with tears streaming down my face, I know that in a few days all of the things I love so much about my Grandmother could be gone.

On Monday, my Maw is scheduled to have major heart surgery. My Maw. The woman who always bandaged my boo boos and let me use all her scotch tape. The woman who held me close and mumbled songs in my ear.

Four bypasses, a new aortic valve and aortic root. Someone opening up her chest and assessing a life's worth of damage. Someone who may not ever know just how precious she is to me or how much I still need her here. Someone who may not realize that I've been so very selfish and not allowed my own children to make the same memories with her that I now hold so close.

So I ask you. From today, until late into Monday evening, will you lift up my Maw to the One who can heal all things? Will you pray with me that the Surgeon's hands will be guided by the One who created her very heart?

My Maw, that poured countless pots of tea into that tiny brown pot and endured hours of dancing and music from a tiny little music box, seems so fragile to me now. I almost want to scoop her up into my lap, stroke her hair and sing into her ear.

I want her to be able to see our new Baby born and know that 6 little faces adore her just as much as I do. And, I want our kids to dance to the music and drink sweet tea from tiny glass Pepsi bottles. I want them to have scotch tape and cotton ball bandaids and have their hair stroked. I want them to know and remember their Maw like I do.

Because lots of kids have Grandmas. But we have a Grand Maw. And that's something that should never be taken for granted.

My Aunt Judy, My Mom, Me and Maw - 1979

Maw and Elizabeth - Christmas 2003

My Mom holding Lucas, Maw holding Ashlee, My Dad holding Elizabeth - July 2006

Maw and Lucas - May 2008

Maw with the big kids - August 2009

Heavy Heart: UPDATE

**Update**

I didn't feel it was my place before to post more information than necessary about "L." Since then, my BFF Amanda has posted about it on her blog. She is the "very, very close friend" I referenced in my original post. Please visit Amanda's blog to see how you can specifically pray for "L."

Thanks prayer warriors. I am so encouraged by your willingness to pray for someone you may never know this side of heaven.

Original post:

Despite the light and airy post below, (which I actually wrote on Saturday and scheduled to post today) I have a heavy heart today. This post will be full of vague details but I ask, that if you feel led, please offer up prayers anyway. God knows who you are praying for and what it is that she needs. And, since I just recently did this post on prayer, I figured it's time to put into practice what I know to be true. God hears our prayers and loves us immensely. He desires to comfort us and give us peace that surpasses our understanding.

A very, very close friend called me on Saturday night with some heartbreaking news. There is a young woman, who I will call "L" who is about 4 months pregnant. On Saturday she tragically and unexpectedly lost her husband. L and her husband have only been married a short time.

Now, L is faced with raising a baby who will never know his or her father, a Christmas without her husband and, most importantly, a tragedy she may never understand.

Again, I know these details are vague and often it is hard to know how to pray for someone you know nothing about. Still, I beg you to please be in prayer for this young woman, her family and the family of her husband.

Thanks friends.

Phenomenal Cosmic Power!!...itty bitty living space

A while back I emailed a friend to see how she was doing. Unfortunately, the email I received back was heartbreaking. She has experienced a loss recently. The first line of her email to me read,

"I have actually thought a lot about you lately, because you are definitely a great person to go to for prayers."

Wow. Really? Me? Surely not. Still, she's not the first person to say something of this nature to me. In fact, about a year ago another friend called me asking me to pray for someone we mutually knew because that person was experiencing the loss of her unborn baby. Again, my friend said,

"Will you pray for her because I know you are tight with the Big Guy."

I know that it's not a secret that I love me some Jesus. But, both of these comments got me to thinking about prayer and whether or not my prayers are more or less effective than anyone else's prayers.

Here's a secret for you. I don't think they are. But still, I've been wondering...how powerful are my prayers? Are certain people more effective prayer warriors? Do certain people get more prayers answered than others.

The truth is, I didn't know. So, I went to the authority on all things prayer. God's word.

James 5:16 says this about prayer, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

Humm...so being righteous = powerful and effective prayers. Got it.

That pretty much counts me out then. Because, and I'm gonna admit something here people, based on my own actions, I'm FAR from righteous. If righteousness were the east then...

Hello, my name is West. Nicetomeetyou.

But wait, the first line of that verse says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other..."

It doesn't say, "Confess your sins ONLY to righteous people" now does it? No, it says confess your sins to each other so you may be healed.

Psalm 34 also addresses prayer and righteousness. Verse 15 specifically says that "the eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry."

Humm...sounds like I need a sack full of righteousness in order for my prayers to be heard OR effective, doesn't it? "So," you might ask, "how can I become righteous or is that even possible?"

Well, let me introduce you to my little friend called Romans Chapter 3. (I have linked Romans 3 using The Message version, but my favorite version is the English Standard Version. For some reason though, on Bible Gateway, the ESV has a lot of references and I find it annoying to read around them. You can certainly change it by choosing English Standard or New Living or whatever tickles your fancy, if you don't enjoy The Message.)

Romans Chapter 3 pretty much outlines the righteousness of God. You see, according to God's perfect character He MUST be righteous. Because of His perfection, He cannot allow Himself in the presence of sin.

I represent sin. Therefore, me = unrighteousness = cannot go before God. Prayer = going before God.

Yesterday, when I got ticked at Luke for drinking his milk too loud....yep, me = unrighteous. And last week when I was utterly livid that my dear, charming, wonderful husband forgot to take out our bathroom trash....me = unrighteous.

(I could go on, but I think you're getting the picture. Apparently my sin and my hormones are playing some seriously hilarious tricks on me.)

(Too bad my sense of humor hasn't caught up.)

(I'm just sayin'. That milk drinking was L.O.U.D. You shoulda been here.)

So if I'm so stinkin' unrighteous how in the heck am I suppose to pray and ever expect those prayers to be heard, much less answered?

Insert, JESUS. (Please don't tune me out because I dropped the J*bomb. Hear me out, mmmkay?) I love that in The Message version, verses 21-31 are subtitled as

God has set things right

Oh yes-sir-ee, He sure has. You see Jesus is the righteousness that I can never possess. In the Old Testament (also known as the Torah for the Jews - which is who Paul is referencing when he says "us." Paul was Jewish. When he says, "them" he is talking about Gentiles. Gentiles are non-Jewish people. Thatwouldbeme.) the Jewish people were required to live out the letter of the law(s) to be considered righteous. They are considered God's chosen people and often, Jewish people believed that they were more righteous than Gentiles because of their chosen status.

Whew. Still there? Good.

If we recognize the laws as our ticket to righteousness then we would constantly be seeing where we are falling short.

But Jesus, He made us ALL righteous. You see, Jesus was blameless. He never got ticked at His Mom for drinking her milk too loud or because His brother forgot to take the trash out. Jesus never uttered ugly words under His holy breath or disobeyed His parents or even told a tiny, little white lie.

Never. Let me tell you how hard it is for me to grasp that concept. VERY HARD.

(Often, I think about what it must have been like to be Jesus' Mom and have a blameless son. Then my head explodes and I remember that I have 5 kids, all of which take after their mother and are SIN-NERS.)

Still, even though He was blameless He took the blame, all of it. He took the blame for my anger at my husband, my short-temper with my kids, my impatience with the car in front of me who's been sitting at a green light for a sweet forever. Jesushelpmenow.

All of it. Gone in God's eyes. As long as I believe (and follow) Jesus. So, lemme break this down for you real quick-like.

Me + sin = unrighteous

BUT....

Me + sin + JESUS = righteous

It's simple math really.

I could go on and on and on about prayer and how I think that God uses our prayers to mold us rather than to put in our requests to Him, but that's a whole 'nother post. For now, I hope that if I've shed any light on a topic that was (for me) hard to understand that you'll pray earnestly and without hesitation to the God of all things.

And pray knowing, that if you have Jesus covering your righteousness, your prayers will be heard as if you are a righteous man who prays with power and effectiveness. And you know what, if you ask me to pray for or with you, I will. Because my prayers are powerful and effective as well. Can you just imagine what God does when one righteous person prays, much less two? Holy Dinah.

It kinda makes me think of my favorite Disney movie of all time, Aladdin. At the end, the Genie turns Jafar into an all-powerful Genie promising him "PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER!" with an "itty, bitty living space."

I think prayer is the same way. Sometimes you've just got to release this phenomenal power within your soul and realize that the key to that door resides in the tiniest of living spaces, your heart.

But, don't take my word for it, go read it for yourself.

UPDATED: Baby Girl: Court Review

UPDATE:

Court went very quickly this morning. We were out before lunch, which is a HUGE blessing, especially considering that Superior Court was in session as well (all public attorneys are required to fulfill Superior Court obligations before moving to Juvenile Court), and often that means we just sit and wait on attorneys.

Nothing new was set, although the Judge did acknowledge Luke and I being there and said something along the lines of "Yes, I see the foster parents. I recognized them and I am glad to see that they took the time to come today. Thank you, both."

That. Is. Huge. This Judge does not seem to love foster parents, DSS or anyone who is not family, so I was so thrilled to see that she "recognized" us (Although this is the 3rd time we've seen her for Baby Girl's case, so I would hope we'd spark some recognition with her).

Birth mom was not present so no anxiety about that, praise God. And, just about a month's worth of some loose ends before we proceed with fully terminating birth mom's rights and begin the adoption process. Our social worker seemed optimistic that adoption proceedings would begin within a couple months, and that our next court date of November 2nd would not be needed because everything would be final!

I can hardly wait! Thank you all SO MUCH for your prayers! You all bless me so very much.



Original Post:

We head to the court house again today for a review hearing for Baby Girl. It's not anything that will change the case plan, just a simple review.

However, we WILL encounter the birth mother. This causes me a lot of anxiety, facing her mother, sitting near her and watching her actions as her daughter's case is discussed. Naturally, it is my prayer that her birth mother would just relinquish her rights. However, that doesn't seem to be an option in her mind.

There is a chance the the judge would order visitation for a family member (not the birth mother). If you feel led, please pray that the judge would rule with wisdom. I do not see how visits with a family member would be beneficial for Baby Girl, since her mother's rights will be terminated within a matter of months, and at that time ALL family visits would cease. But, this judge is known for siding with "birth families" for no good reason.

Thanks for your prayers and support.

Heavy Heart

Today, my heart is heavy with the birthday of Audrey Caroline.

If you have never read Angie's blog (Audrey's mother) please click here. Not only is it Audrey's 1st birthday, but it is the 1 year anniversary of her death. Sweet Audrey lived 2.5 hours before going to be with the Lord.

If you feel led, please offer up a prayer for The Smith Family.

My Totally Ticked Off Heart

On Monday we head back to court for Baby D. I cannot describe to you how ready I am to be there. Normally, court dates make me a nervous wreck. In fact, I usually dread court so much that I have trouble sleeping the few days beforehand. This time will be different. Although I'm sure my nerves will be a hoppin' on the drive there, I feel so confident about Monday's hearing.

Let me show you why. Here is Baby D's birth parents visitation record since February 1st, 2009. They are suppose to have one 2 hour visit a week. (It used to be two 2 hour visits a week, but since they canceled the majority of visits in January, DSS dropped them down to one visit a week. Clearly they were not phased.)

Feb 6th - had a visit. The Baby D's social worker "dropped" in (they are supervised by a different social worker, who is there the entire time) and found out that the birth parents had gotten 2 pet rabbits. Said rabbits were ON THE FLOOR LOOSE with my baby. They were given a voucher for a drug screening, but they never took the tests.

Feb 13th - canceled the visit because birth dad was sick
Feb 20th - canceled the visit because birth dad sick
Feb 27th - canceled the visit because birth mom was sick
March 6th - canceled the visit to "run errands"
March 13th - canceled the visit because of an "appointment"

In January, they saw him twice. They canceled all of the other visits because of sickness as well.

Also, neither of the birth parents have done ANYTHING in their case plan since November.

Before I begin my rant: Our good friends The Hauts will be in court with us on Monday for their case with their foster son who is 3 days older than Baby D. If you're in the prayin' mood, offer one up for them as well. If you just clicked on that link and realized that their blog is private, check out this post as to how you can get access. It's worth the effort, I promise.

So you see, I'm not all that stressed about court on Monday. Clearly, any judge that would NOT begin terminating their rights should be de-robed (Is that what you do? Maybe de-benched? Oh, you know what I mean.) I am doubting that the birth parents will even show up for court. However, it's the what if they show up that haunts me.

I just don't know how to interact with these people. I don't know how to stand there and pretend that I'm not completely ticked at them. I don't know how to love them. I don't want to know how to love them. They have NO CLUE that their son is crawling. They don't know how precious his new 2 toothed grin is because they have no clue that he even has two teeth. They've never spent a night holding him, rocking him and comforting him because he was sick or teething.

On top of all of those emotions, I am also ticked that they had the audacity to claim him on their taxes. Oh yeah...I'm not kidding. Luke and I have had to mail in a hard copy of our tax return WITH an appeal letter because these people thought it was a good idea to claim the child that they do not have in their home nor are they making efforts towards regainig.

Is it wrong of me to pray that they go to jail for tax fraud? It is? Crap, that's what I thought.

Basically, I know that I'm suppose to be all "love them like Jesus would love them" but the truth is, I don't wanna. I want them to suffer. I want them to hurt. I want them to understand just how much pain they will one day cause my son when he has to face the truth of their neglect. I don't want to pray for God to give me the ability to love them. I don't want to see their faces at all.

In fact, if I never see them again I'm okay.

But the truth is, I know that I'm not any better than they are. When I yelled at Ashlee today because she was taking so friggin' long to put on her pants, I sinned.

When I lost it with Baby Girl tonight because she would-not-stop-crying, I sinned.

When I allowed inappropriate words to dance through my head and then I uttered them under my breath, I sinned.

When I got ticked at Luke for no good reason then I allowed myself to stay ticked, I sinned.

I'm as hopeless as they are. I too deserve the hurt, the pain. I deserve to suffer.

I wish I could type out some eloquent prayer about how I want my heart to be transformed, but if I did I would be a hypocrite. I cannot sit here and pretend that I want my heart to change toward them because I don't. I cannot sit here and pray a prayer that is not real. I can't fake it and I won't. Although my mind knows that this is so, so selfish my heart isn't on board. My heart wants retaliation. My heart wants justice.

So this weekend, I will choose to busy myself with all things aside from prayerful mediation. I will choose to clean my house, wash dishes, wipe stinky butts and comfort crying kids. I will hang out with friends, laugh at my children and cuddle with my husband. My mind knows that I should be prayerfully anticipating Monday, but my heart refuses to follow. So, if you think of it and you feel led, pray for this heart of mine. It's full of anger and hurt and just a nastiness that I cannot shake. And while these feelings themselves are not entirely sinful, the refusal to lay them aside and ask my Lord for help...well, that is.

So there it is, my real emotion. The raw me. My real "totally ticked" heart is asking you NOT to pray for it. It's stupid and wrong and totally sinful but I mean really, you didn't think I was perfect anyway, now did you?

Back From Vaca

We made it back from vacation earlier this evening. It was a long time in the car, but the kids did amazing. I have a lot to share, but it might take me a while to formulate my thoughts. Thanks for the prayers while we traveled. I know that it was only because of those prayers that we were kept safe and the kids endured endless hours of being strapped down.

I'll try to post some pictures tomorrow. Blessings!

If You Need Some Stuff To Pray For...

I don't have a lot to blog about, however my heart is heavy for two families. I'd like to ask you to pray for both of them.

The first are friends of ours whom we go to church with. Jeff had some infection that flared up in his knee almost 2 weeks ago. He has been in the hospital the last several days battling a mysterious fever. Please pray for this sweet family that they would find peace, healing and comfort. In addition, they they have been trying to sell their house that has been on the market for almost 2 years. Can you say stressful?

The next request is for someone whom I've never met, but my heart aches for. Jim and Adrienne adopted their first son from Russia about a year or so ago. This week, they went to meet a brand new baby girl, who they had hoped would be theirs through the birth mother's decision to relinquish rights shortly after birth. Now, birth mother is taking the time to reconsider. Either way, a mother will be heartbroken and have to heal from the hopes of a baby she will never know. Please pray for Adrienne, Jim and the baby's birth mother.

Also, we are leaving in the morning for our vacation. We will be traveling around 2,000 miles in all (there and back). All five kids plus us will be packed into Big Red. And although it has copious amounts of room, the fact still remains that we will be in the car for a LONG, LONG time. Please pray for us to have an uneventful trip and one that is blessed with visits with family and friends.

By the way, Big Red did not need those repairs I mentioned before. Thanks God for working that out for us. Also, we got birth parent permission to take both Baby D and Baby Girl!! Yay God!

I doubt I'll be able to blog while I'm gone, so miss me and have a very, very, very Blessed Thanksgiving.

If It's Pressed On Your Heart...

I know I use the term a lot "If It's Pressed On Your Heart," specifically when requesting prayer. My reason for that is because I know that as believers we have a lot that we see in our world that we need to pray over.

However, several years ago I was heavily convicted about telling folks I'd pray for them, and then never doing it. Therefore, I choose two responses now when people ask for me to pray for them.

My favorite (which sometimes takes A LOT of prompting by the Spirit) is to stop RIGHT THEN and pray with that person over the issue that they are requesting prayer. I feel that if it's important enough for them to ask, then they could surely use the prayer right then.

The next option is to tell them that I will pray about it "If the Spirit presses it on my heart." Now, I don't want that to sound cold or distant. However, like I said earlier, as believers, if our eyes are truly open to the world around us, we are bombarded with things/people/events/circumstances that we need to be in prayer over. Just as our amazing God gives us various talents and abilities, I also feel that He softens our hearts toward specific things as well.

For example, my heart is incredibly touched by the story of the Lawrensons. I think about them daily, and I pray for them often. I've never met them, yet I feel burdened to pray for them. Someone else may not. I believe that God uses these burdens on our hearts so that all peoples can be touched in our prayer lives.

With all of that said, I have some things I would like for you to pray over, if it's pressed on your heart. If you'd like to pray over these things/people/circumstances now, please leave a comment. I know that these prayers will not go unanswered, as long as we are praying for God's desires and His perfect plan to persevere.

1. The Lawrensons that I mentioned above. Long, long story short, almost a year ago Tricia went to Duke for a double lung transplant due to the deterioration of her lungs because of Cystic Fibrosis. The transplant was successful, and just weeks prior she delivered a pre-mature baby girl who is healthy and thriving. However, Tricia has now developed lymphoma and the chemo is not working. This family needs ANOTHER miracle.

2. Chris and Lindy Thompson. They are dear friends of mine who are returning today from Africa where they are FULL TIME missionaries. I'm not sure how long they will be back in the US, but please pray that their mission work will continue to thrive in their absence and that they will adjust to time differences, culture differences and thoroughly enjoy their time with friends and family.

3. The Hauts. They are also foster parents that we met in our fostering class. They are fostering a baby just 3 days older than Baby D. Today they were told that their baby's plan is being changed to Termination of Parental Rights. While this is a huge praise for them, it also comes with it's share of frustrations as it will be many, many months until the adoption is final. Please pray that they will find joy in the process, perseverance and peace.

Once more, if you feel led to pray now please leave a comment telling so. If you do not, that's okay too. However, realize that if you think of them over the next few days that it IS the Holy Spirit pressing them on your heart and they could use prayer AT THAT MOMENT.

Prayer doesn't have to be formal, it doesn't have to be stiff and rigid. However, it must be sincere. God knows the intentions of your heart and listening to His callings and understanding His promptings will bring you so much closer into a love relationship with Him. One like you have never dreamed or imagined.

Day 4 with 5, 4 and Under - SICK

Last night Elizabeth threw up twice. On Tuesday night, Lucas threw up twice, but we thought he had drank too much water. Looks like we've got a stomach bug...

Lucas feels puny this morning and so does Elizabeth. If it comes to mind, please pray that everyone feels better soon, but ESPECIALLY that the babies DO NOT get sick. Baby Girl only weighs 5lbs 7oz and I can't imagine someone that tiny getting a stomach bug.

Also, pray that I can have strength to handle sick, whiny, puny people. Last night was pretty rough and Luke and I basically got no sleep. Pray for Luke as he goes through his day that he will have strength.

Thanks!

Day 1 with 5, 4 and Under

Today is my first day, going it alone, with five kids 4 years and under. Luke was home yesterday, so reality hasn't quite set in.

Baby Girl did okay last night, she slept between 2 and 3 hour stretches. Because I am blessed with a remarkable husband, he shared the load and from 4am on, he was up with her (and Baby D, because he clearly didn't want to miss out on the action) feeding, changing and holding.

Baby Girl likes to be held a lot and she is oh, so petite. She eats very well, about 2 ounces every 2 or so hours.

I took some quick pictures this morning and they aren't terribly good quality, but I wanted to give you guys a sneak peek.

Thank you so much for the outpouring of support and prayers. I cannot tell you how blessed I feel knowing that so many prayers are being prayed on our behalf. I do feel peaceful.

Yesterday, when I went to get Baby Girl from the hospital, their was a small glitch in paperwork. As I sat there, holding Baby Girl, waiting on the investigator to bring over the amended paperwork, I fell in love. She is so sweet it's hard not to love her completely.

Thanks again for the prayers, offers for food and support as we begin another journey!

"And you are helping us by praying for us. Then many people will give thanks because God has graciously answered so many prayers for our safety."
~ 2 Corinthians 1:11