She had tied the drawstring of her robe tight around her waist. Her linen pants hung loosely around her legs and were stuffed into the tops of her laced up boots of peace. Her cloak hung heavily on her shoulders, which was ironic since the armor that protected her vital organs felt remarkably light.
Picture her with me.
Truth sat low on her hips while righteousness covered her chest. Protected by her faithful shield, salvation upon her head, on the defensive with the glimmer of her sword, spirit. She was ready. She had trained, prepared and knew the battle would be intense. In fact, there had been many small battles leading up to this day.
She looked to her left and he stood there with her. Adorned with a matching uniform, he stood just a pace in front of her, prepared to take the worst of the blows, knowing that it was not only his calling but his duty as her protector, provider, prophet and priest. Yes, they would fight together but he was set over her. Not because she was inferior but because the goodness of the One who prepared this battle knew what He was doing.
A smile crept across her lips as she looked back out onto the hills in front of them. Battle is never easy, but after you've prepared for weeks and months and years when it's time to go, you can't help but be a bit eager.
Together, nearly in unison, they step into the war zone, knowing that it could last longer than they both have the energy or resolve to endure. However, they aren't relying on their own strength alone and they know this full and well. Emerging from the sky are cherubim, clothed in no armor at all but brandishing weapons that annihilate the enemy in one, swift stroke.
Rushing forward, metal clinks, blows are landed and they find little successes. Suddenly, the ground shakes, the sky grows dark. Smoke engulfs the battlefield. Disoriented and confused, they become separated in sight. She can hear him but the smoke burns her eyes with such pain that she must choose to close them for fear of losing her sight forever more.
She hears wailing and crying and listens intently to try to discern from which direction it coming, only to realize that it is from her own lips. Her heart is afraid and her voice betrays her by telling every enemy within earshot.
Trembling, she sinks to her knees and opens her eyes, desperately scanning the horizon. The smoke is so thick she cannot possibly see beyond her own arm, much less into the distance. The stench of burning trash and excrement lingers in her nostrils.
"Help! Where are you? Help me, please."
The roar of battle has ceased but the smoke remains. She can no longer hear him or the One who gives the orders.
"This is it?" she thinks. "This is not the battle for which I trained. No! This wasn't in the plan at all. How did this happen? No! This cannot be it." Her heart pounds in her chest and fear overwhelms her.
The silence is now deafening.
She crawls across the field on her hands and knees hoping to find someone, anyone, who might give a clue as to what has happened. There are no signs of battle, no wayward shields or swords. No members of the enemy camp laying slain on the ground. Nothing but the smoke even suggests there's been a battle.
This. This ground shaking madness, this was not what she had prepared for at all. She hopes staying close to the ground will provide reprieve from the smoke but it is as thick and pungent down low as it is up high.
She crawls across rocks and sticks and through mud but no where does she find remnant or clues to anyone else on this field with her. Finally, FINALLY, she finds a small wall of stone. She believes she remembers this one. It's old, and frail, but she's seen it before. The familiarity of it relieves her, though she knows it will be of little use since once before it was crumbled. Resting her back upon it, she tries to find her bearings.
The enemy. He must be responsible for this. He has to be. He is sneaky and vicious and cares not who he kills. Surely he is on the other side of this short wall, prowling, waiting for her to expose herself so he can finish her off.
Then she realizes that she's not safe. No where is safe. Though the smoke is thick still in most places, it's beginning to rise. He will see her, someone will see her vulnerable, and finish what the enemy has started. With fervor and with trembling hands she grabs the stones around her and begins rebuilding the wall. Higher, higher, stronger, taller it grows. It curves around beside her and yet she continues. Creating her own little provision, she gathers the uneven, worn, battered stones that had previously been ripped down and she rebuilds what was once deemed unnecessary.
Once she has it far reaching enough around her she stops and tucks herself into its sanctuary. Now, behind the wall she built from the ruins, she is safe. The enemy can't find her and once the smoke clears she can emerge on her own terms, sword drawn, and fight her way back to where she once was.
She waits. It is taking a long time for the smoke to rise. Shouldn't it have risen by now? Where did it come from anyway? This is not what she had trained for. She waits, she thinks, she tries to pray, but in vain.
And then it washes over her. He knew. The One, he knew. He knew this would be the battle all along. "How could you know and not prepare me?!," she cries. He knew and yet he did nothing to stop it, nothing to help her to know what to do in this scenario. She'd rehearsed and prepared for just about anything else but this. What is she to do now?
The One she trusted to train her, the One she trusted her life to, he knew. And somehow, somewhere amid all the preparations, he failed to train her for this. He knew, and he failed. Therefore she would fail, too. And he knew she would fail.
Her jaw set with anger and determination, she looks down at the armor upon her body. It is beaten and broken and flawed now. How is that possible? What battle has she fought? She doesn't remember any enemy blows because before she could really fight, her world was rocked. How can she be so heavily beaten up, for she was merely trying to survive.
Showing posts with label heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heart. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
An apology
I feel like I owe you guys a deep apology.
While I was searching the "archives" for my last post, I came across this post. The sting of my words in this post made me hang my head in shame. Over the last several days, the Lord has convicted and gently spoken to me about the tone and the words of that post. And y'all, I'm just so very sorry.
While there is truth in that post, the curtness and the coldness with which I wrote was uncalled for an, truly, unacceptable.
Yes, I felt those things. But the Lord is showing me that just because I feel something, and even if it is a valid feeling, that doesn't give me the right to spew hatred and anger. While this post may not have offended you and though while my feelings and emotions were real the Lord is pressing me to rethink how I sounded. I feel very led to apologize publically, most specifically over my comments on Questions 3 & 4.
So I pray that you will accept any offense I may have given you all over this post. And maybe it didn't offend any of you and this is just another piece of humility pie the Lord is asking me to eat. He's been dealing with me deeply in the area of pride so I won't be surprised if that's the case. Either way, thank you all for receiving what I say here with a spirit of grace. Thank you for allowing me to be real, honest, blunt and open. Thank you for standing with us in prayer as we walk through difficult trials and as we've emerged stronger and more in tune with the will of God on the other side.
As we continue this journey that God has us on, I know that having you all at our side, praying for us, encouraging us and asking us tough questions will prove to be invaluable.
Thank you.
While I was searching the "archives" for my last post, I came across this post. The sting of my words in this post made me hang my head in shame. Over the last several days, the Lord has convicted and gently spoken to me about the tone and the words of that post. And y'all, I'm just so very sorry.
While there is truth in that post, the curtness and the coldness with which I wrote was uncalled for an, truly, unacceptable.
Yes, I felt those things. But the Lord is showing me that just because I feel something, and even if it is a valid feeling, that doesn't give me the right to spew hatred and anger. While this post may not have offended you and though while my feelings and emotions were real the Lord is pressing me to rethink how I sounded. I feel very led to apologize publically, most specifically over my comments on Questions 3 & 4.
So I pray that you will accept any offense I may have given you all over this post. And maybe it didn't offend any of you and this is just another piece of humility pie the Lord is asking me to eat. He's been dealing with me deeply in the area of pride so I won't be surprised if that's the case. Either way, thank you all for receiving what I say here with a spirit of grace. Thank you for allowing me to be real, honest, blunt and open. Thank you for standing with us in prayer as we walk through difficult trials and as we've emerged stronger and more in tune with the will of God on the other side.
As we continue this journey that God has us on, I know that having you all at our side, praying for us, encouraging us and asking us tough questions will prove to be invaluable.
Thank you.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
My Grand Maw
To the average person, possibly even to my own husband, these trinkets that live on top of the bookshelf in our bedroom are meaningless. They appear to be just junk, possibly some random garage sale finds or some misplaced pieces to a not-so-complete collection.
But when I glance at them I see a passageway to my childhood. These things take my mind back nearly 25 years to a place where I spent my time doing nothing and everything all at once.
Looking at those Pepsi-Cola bottles and that tiny, little teapot, I can almost taste the sweet tea that I spent hours pouring back and forth between their narrow openings. I can smell the distinct fragrance of my Maw's house. I can feel the warmth of her propane heater as I sit at her kitchen table and pour and drink, pour and drink, pour and drink for hours on end.
And that is just how I remember my Grandmother's (Maw's) house from my childhood. Warm, sweet and wonderful.
As I sit here and think about all the things I cherished about her home as a small girl, I can almost hear the music floating through her den as it played from that little, wooden music box, pictured above. I feel my body spinning through her house as I dance and sway and pretend I'm a princess or ballerina or bride.
I remember the scotch tape and cotton ball bandaids she used to make for me when I got boo boos, whether they were real or imagined. I remember her special shelf, where she kept all sorts of interesting things. Most were breakable, like the bottles and teapot above, but all were just for my tiny fingers to touch and hold and enjoy.
I remember her singing to me as I lay in the window seat of her den, the words to "Goodnight Irene" floating through my head as she stroked my hair and I fell asleep on her lap.
I remember ice cream cones from the corner ice cream shop and finally being old enough to walk there by myself and get a cone to bring home.
I remember her neighbor's woodshop, where Mr. Reisner built things from scratch. And swinging on the playset in her backyard and sitting on the stool in her bathroom and playing with her makeup.
There are so many things I remember about my Maw's house. The laughter, the love, the way it was always just there. And as I sit here with tears streaming down my face, I know that in a few days all of the things I love so much about my Grandmother could be gone.
On Monday, my Maw is scheduled to have major heart surgery. My Maw. The woman who always bandaged my boo boos and let me use all her scotch tape. The woman who held me close and mumbled songs in my ear.
Four bypasses, a new aortic valve and aortic root. Someone opening up her chest and assessing a life's worth of damage. Someone who may not ever know just how precious she is to me or how much I still need her here. Someone who may not realize that I've been so very selfish and not allowed my own children to make the same memories with her that I now hold so close.
So I ask you. From today, until late into Monday evening, will you lift up my Maw to the One who can heal all things? Will you pray with me that the Surgeon's hands will be guided by the One who created her very heart?
My Maw, that poured countless pots of tea into that tiny brown pot and endured hours of dancing and music from a tiny little music box, seems so fragile to me now. I almost want to scoop her up into my lap, stroke her hair and sing into her ear.I want her to be able to see our new Baby born and know that 6 little faces adore her just as much as I do. And, I want our kids to dance to the music and drink sweet tea from tiny glass Pepsi bottles. I want them to have scotch tape and cotton ball bandaids and have their hair stroked. I want them to know and remember their Maw like I do.
Because lots of kids have Grandmas. But we have a Grand Maw. And that's something that should never be taken for granted.
My Aunt Judy, My Mom, Me and Maw - 1979
Maw and Elizabeth - Christmas 2003
My Mom holding Lucas, Maw holding Ashlee, My Dad holding Elizabeth - July 2006
Maw and Lucas - May 2008
Maw with the big kids - August 2009Sunday, March 15, 2009
Called Out
Thanks for the encouraging words and prayers you all have said on our behalf. I am so humbled. I confessed to my friend this morning that my heart hadn't really changed that much. Then, she asked me a question that took me back. She said,
"When this is all over and he's safely adopted, do you think you'll be able to pray for his parents then?"
She meant it with kindness and sincerity, but the truth is, she pointed out the ugliness that is gripping my heart over these people.
As I thought about her comment the rest of morning, I realized that she basically called me out. She made me realize that I'm being stupid and selfish and just mean. And although I can't say that I will approach Baby D's birth parents with love and kindness, I can say that I am now praying over them.
I am praying that they will find the goodness of the Savior. Right now, that's just about all I can pray.
Tomorrow, court starts at 9:30. From now until then, I will be a walking prayer. Praying to be at least willing to be made willing. Praying for peace. Praying for the ugly to find another home far far way from my heart.
"When this is all over and he's safely adopted, do you think you'll be able to pray for his parents then?"
She meant it with kindness and sincerity, but the truth is, she pointed out the ugliness that is gripping my heart over these people.
As I thought about her comment the rest of morning, I realized that she basically called me out. She made me realize that I'm being stupid and selfish and just mean. And although I can't say that I will approach Baby D's birth parents with love and kindness, I can say that I am now praying over them.
I am praying that they will find the goodness of the Savior. Right now, that's just about all I can pray.
Tomorrow, court starts at 9:30. From now until then, I will be a walking prayer. Praying to be at least willing to be made willing. Praying for peace. Praying for the ugly to find another home far far way from my heart.
Friday, March 13, 2009
My Totally Ticked Off Heart
On Monday we head back to court for Baby D. I cannot describe to you how ready I am to be there. Normally, court dates make me a nervous wreck. In fact, I usually dread court so much that I have trouble sleeping the few days beforehand. This time will be different. Although I'm sure my nerves will be a hoppin' on the drive there, I feel so confident about Monday's hearing.
Let me show you why. Here is Baby D's birth parents visitation record since February 1st, 2009. They are suppose to have one 2 hour visit a week. (It used to be two 2 hour visits a week, but since they canceled the majority of visits in January, DSS dropped them down to one visit a week. Clearly they were not phased.)
Feb 6th - had a visit. The Baby D's social worker "dropped" in (they are supervised by a different social worker, who is there the entire time) and found out that the birth parents had gotten 2 pet rabbits. Said rabbits were ON THE FLOOR LOOSE with my baby. They were given a voucher for a drug screening, but they never took the tests.
Feb 13th - canceled the visit because birth dad was sick
Feb 20th - canceled the visit because birth dad sick
Feb 27th - canceled the visit because birth mom was sick
March 6th - canceled the visit to "run errands"
March 13th - canceled the visit because of an "appointment"
In January, they saw him twice. They canceled all of the other visits because of sickness as well.
Also, neither of the birth parents have done ANYTHING in their case plan since November.
Before I begin my rant: Our good friends The Hauts will be in court with us on Monday for their case with their foster son who is 3 days older than Baby D. If you're in the prayin' mood, offer one up for them as well. If you just clicked on that link and realized that their blog is private, check out this post as to how you can get access. It's worth the effort, I promise.
So you see, I'm not all that stressed about court on Monday. Clearly, any judge that would NOT begin terminating their rights should be de-robed (Is that what you do? Maybe de-benched? Oh, you know what I mean.) I am doubting that the birth parents will even show up for court. However, it's the what if they show up that haunts me.
I just don't know how to interact with these people. I don't know how to stand there and pretend that I'm not completely ticked at them. I don't know how to love them. I don't want to know how to love them. They have NO CLUE that their son is crawling. They don't know how precious his new 2 toothed grin is because they have no clue that he even has two teeth. They've never spent a night holding him, rocking him and comforting him because he was sick or teething.
On top of all of those emotions, I am also ticked that they had the audacity to claim him on their taxes. Oh yeah...I'm not kidding. Luke and I have had to mail in a hard copy of our tax return WITH an appeal letter because these people thought it was a good idea to claim the child that they do not have in their home nor are they making efforts towards regainig.
Is it wrong of me to pray that they go to jail for tax fraud? It is? Crap, that's what I thought.
Basically, I know that I'm suppose to be all "love them like Jesus would love them" but the truth is, I don't wanna. I want them to suffer. I want them to hurt. I want them to understand just how much pain they will one day cause my son when he has to face the truth of their neglect. I don't want to pray for God to give me the ability to love them. I don't want to see their faces at all.
In fact, if I never see them again I'm okay.
But the truth is, I know that I'm not any better than they are. When I yelled at Ashlee today because she was taking so friggin' long to put on her pants, I sinned.
When I lost it with Baby Girl tonight because she would-not-stop-crying, I sinned.
When I allowed inappropriate words to dance through my head and then I uttered them under my breath, I sinned.
When I got ticked at Luke for no good reason then I allowed myself to stay ticked, I sinned.
I'm as hopeless as they are. I too deserve the hurt, the pain. I deserve to suffer.
I wish I could type out some eloquent prayer about how I want my heart to be transformed, but if I did I would be a hypocrite. I cannot sit here and pretend that I want my heart to change toward them because I don't. I cannot sit here and pray a prayer that is not real. I can't fake it and I won't. Although my mind knows that this is so, so selfish my heart isn't on board. My heart wants retaliation. My heart wants justice.
So this weekend, I will choose to busy myself with all things aside from prayerful mediation. I will choose to clean my house, wash dishes, wipe stinky butts and comfort crying kids. I will hang out with friends, laugh at my children and cuddle with my husband. My mind knows that I should be prayerfully anticipating Monday, but my heart refuses to follow. So, if you think of it and you feel led, pray for this heart of mine. It's full of anger and hurt and just a nastiness that I cannot shake. And while these feelings themselves are not entirely sinful, the refusal to lay them aside and ask my Lord for help...well, that is.
So there it is, my real emotion. The raw me. My real "totally ticked" heart is asking you NOT to pray for it. It's stupid and wrong and totally sinful but I mean really, you didn't think I was perfect anyway, now did you?
Let me show you why. Here is Baby D's birth parents visitation record since February 1st, 2009. They are suppose to have one 2 hour visit a week. (It used to be two 2 hour visits a week, but since they canceled the majority of visits in January, DSS dropped them down to one visit a week. Clearly they were not phased.)
Feb 6th - had a visit. The Baby D's social worker "dropped" in (they are supervised by a different social worker, who is there the entire time) and found out that the birth parents had gotten 2 pet rabbits. Said rabbits were ON THE FLOOR LOOSE with my baby. They were given a voucher for a drug screening, but they never took the tests.
Feb 13th - canceled the visit because birth dad was sick
Feb 20th - canceled the visit because birth dad sick
Feb 27th - canceled the visit because birth mom was sick
March 6th - canceled the visit to "run errands"
March 13th - canceled the visit because of an "appointment"
In January, they saw him twice. They canceled all of the other visits because of sickness as well.
Also, neither of the birth parents have done ANYTHING in their case plan since November.
Before I begin my rant: Our good friends The Hauts will be in court with us on Monday for their case with their foster son who is 3 days older than Baby D. If you're in the prayin' mood, offer one up for them as well. If you just clicked on that link and realized that their blog is private, check out this post as to how you can get access. It's worth the effort, I promise.
So you see, I'm not all that stressed about court on Monday. Clearly, any judge that would NOT begin terminating their rights should be de-robed (Is that what you do? Maybe de-benched? Oh, you know what I mean.) I am doubting that the birth parents will even show up for court. However, it's the what if they show up that haunts me.
I just don't know how to interact with these people. I don't know how to stand there and pretend that I'm not completely ticked at them. I don't know how to love them. I don't want to know how to love them. They have NO CLUE that their son is crawling. They don't know how precious his new 2 toothed grin is because they have no clue that he even has two teeth. They've never spent a night holding him, rocking him and comforting him because he was sick or teething.
On top of all of those emotions, I am also ticked that they had the audacity to claim him on their taxes. Oh yeah...I'm not kidding. Luke and I have had to mail in a hard copy of our tax return WITH an appeal letter because these people thought it was a good idea to claim the child that they do not have in their home nor are they making efforts towards regainig.
Is it wrong of me to pray that they go to jail for tax fraud? It is? Crap, that's what I thought.
Basically, I know that I'm suppose to be all "love them like Jesus would love them" but the truth is, I don't wanna. I want them to suffer. I want them to hurt. I want them to understand just how much pain they will one day cause my son when he has to face the truth of their neglect. I don't want to pray for God to give me the ability to love them. I don't want to see their faces at all.
In fact, if I never see them again I'm okay.
But the truth is, I know that I'm not any better than they are. When I yelled at Ashlee today because she was taking so friggin' long to put on her pants, I sinned.
When I lost it with Baby Girl tonight because she would-not-stop-crying, I sinned.
When I allowed inappropriate words to dance through my head and then I uttered them under my breath, I sinned.
When I got ticked at Luke for no good reason then I allowed myself to stay ticked, I sinned.
I'm as hopeless as they are. I too deserve the hurt, the pain. I deserve to suffer.
I wish I could type out some eloquent prayer about how I want my heart to be transformed, but if I did I would be a hypocrite. I cannot sit here and pretend that I want my heart to change toward them because I don't. I cannot sit here and pray a prayer that is not real. I can't fake it and I won't. Although my mind knows that this is so, so selfish my heart isn't on board. My heart wants retaliation. My heart wants justice.
So this weekend, I will choose to busy myself with all things aside from prayerful mediation. I will choose to clean my house, wash dishes, wipe stinky butts and comfort crying kids. I will hang out with friends, laugh at my children and cuddle with my husband. My mind knows that I should be prayerfully anticipating Monday, but my heart refuses to follow. So, if you think of it and you feel led, pray for this heart of mine. It's full of anger and hurt and just a nastiness that I cannot shake. And while these feelings themselves are not entirely sinful, the refusal to lay them aside and ask my Lord for help...well, that is.
So there it is, my real emotion. The raw me. My real "totally ticked" heart is asking you NOT to pray for it. It's stupid and wrong and totally sinful but I mean really, you didn't think I was perfect anyway, now did you?
Friday, January 9, 2009
His Marvelous Mercy
On Monday, we go back to court for Baby Girl. At that time, it is certain that we will get to see her birth mother. And although that makes me incredibly nervous, I also feel some compassion for this woman. Let me elaborate.
Sitting in that court room on the Thursday of Baby Girl's Disposition was no easy task. Hearing all the things that she went through while still in the womb was heartbreaking and, quite frankly it made me very angry at the woman who would do this to MY baby.
However, over the course of the last week or two, my heart has begun to soften. I know that Baby Girl's birth mother is bound by sin. I know that she suffers from addiction. I remember my life before I knew my Lord deeply and intimately and it wasn't pretty.
I wondered if birth mom thought about her precious baby and wondered how she was doing. I had my doubts because she's only seen her twice in the 3 months of her life.
Then, earlier this week I got an email from Baby Girl's social worker saying that she'd received a letter from birth mother requesting a picture. I knew that we'd be in court in just 1 week, so I told the social worker I'd bring it then.
As my heart and mind has mulled over birth mom's request, I've thought about what it might be like to be in her shoes. I've prayed over my actions regarding his request and felt the Holy Spirit move me to tears, aching for this mother and the hearbreak she must be feeling.
So last night, as everyone in my house slept, I sat in the darkness looking at my Baby Girl and I typed the following letter to her mother:
Dear Ms. [Smith],
I'm sitting here, watching [Baby Girl] sleep, listening to the sounds of her breathing, knowing that if I were in your shoes, I'd want to know how my baby is doing. So, first let me tell you that the purpose of this letter is not to make you feel bad, or judged, but simply a letter from a foster mom to a birth mom about how her baby is doing and what she's been up to over the last 3 months.
[Baby Girl] is such a precious little girl. When I picked her up from the hospital on October 13, 2008 I had no idea how much I would grow to love your precious daughter. She is beautiful in every way, as I'm sure you would agree.
[Baby Girl] still sleeps a lot, waking up about every 3 or so hours (during the day) to eat and for "conversations" where she flashes a heart melting smile. She smiles with her whole face, opening her mouth wide and sometimes even giggling. She loves being talked to, sung to, cooed at and, mostly just held. She loves to sleep swaddled all up, with a pacifier securely in her mouth.
She's a good sleeper, already sleeping through the night. She takes her last bottle somewhere between 8 and 9pm and then sleeps until 5am or so.
She has a unique personality and from the very beginning has been more responsive and cooed more than any baby I've ever seen. Her beautiful eyes scan your face, really checking out the person who is holding her. She is very alert (when she's awake) and even now, as she is sleeping, she makes soft noises that are so sweet. Even the doctor said at her newborn visit that she was an alert baby. She even smiled at the doctor at just 5 days old! We were all so amazed!
She is growing pretty well, and at her 2 month check up she weighed 9 pounds 11 ounces. She had gained 1 whole pound since her last weight check just 2 weeks before!
The top of her head still smells just like a new baby and she still has a lot of that same soft hair that she did when she was born. She lost her belly button stump just a week after she was born, which also surprised us.
She can be a little particular with her likes and dislikes. She DOES NOT like one bit to be cold, and she will let you know by crying pretty loud. However, once she is warm again, she calms down quickly. She doesn't like having a dirty diaper, but she also dislikes having her diaper changed. I guess one day she'll realize that she can't have it both ways!
She has a little bit of eczema on both cheeks that we are treating with cortisone cream. It is working really well and the eczema patches are getting better every day. She also has reflux which caused her to spit up formula out of her nose. The reflux also made her cough, but the doctor prescribed some prevacid, which she takes at night before bed and it is helping quite a bit. I have noticed that she isn't coughing hardly at all anymore and the spitting up has gotten a lot better.
[Baby Girl] also has some issues with constipation. However, 1 ounce of prune juice in 1 bottle a day takes care of that problem really quickly. Man, can that girl poop when she gets going!
[Baby Girl] is a very easy going baby. She is content to sit and watch our other children play. She gets lots of hugs and kisses from our 2 year old daughter, 2 year old son and 4 year old daughter. She loves to be in the swing, watching and "talking" to the other kids.
When she first came home from the hospital she wanted to sleep with the light on and sitting propped up. She would have it no other way!
She is precious and beautiful and perfect.
I wanted to share with you about [Baby Girl] because I know that I would want to know these things about my baby. I also want to share with you WHY we chose to become foster parents. Our goal was NOT to steal other people's babies, or even to feel good about ourselves.
We followed through with becoming foster parents because of our relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ. We felt, very strongly, that He was calling us to become foster parents. As we prayed, read our Bible and talked with other people, God confirmed for us that this was something we were suppose to do.
I haven't always been a Christian, though. I had some very hard times in my life during high school and I have made (and continue to make) a lot of mistakes. In fact, it wasn't until I was pregnant with our oldest daughter in 2003 that I really understood what it meant to know God. When I realized that I had a baby coming, I knew that I couldn't be the person that I wanted to be all by myself. I needed help. I couldn't find that help from any person here on this earth. I felt like something was missing, and that something was God. Through pure mercy, God allowed me to be saved through the life, death and conquering of that death by His Son, Jesus Christ. Being "saved" doesn't make me perfect, but it does make me forgiven and redeemed from an eternity separated from a God who whole heartedly loves me. It's more than going to church on Sundays or being "good" its about trying my best to live the life I know God wants me to live and being able to break free from the things that continue to pull me down. I have had struggles and I still do, but God is the one that helps me through.
I am not claiming to know your situation or your view on religion or God. However, it is my prayer that if you do not know who Jesus is, that you will seek Him with your whole heart. I know that a life with Jesus can bring you and [Baby Girl] back together again. Being a Christian doesn't mean that you will never have problems, but that when problems come, you can find strength in God and a desire to push through them.
Basically, I just wanted you to know that there is a God who LOVES you, more than you could ever imagine. He is REAL and powerful and He desperately wants you to know Him. It is because of His love and His work in my life that I am able to love myself and other people. It is because of Him, that when I look at your precious, sweet and perfect [Baby Girl] that I am able to love her as much as I love my own birth children. I can promise you that it is not anything special within me, but the power of Jesus Christ who has captured my heart.
I am praying for you and [Baby Girl] and that you will know that she is being cared for and loved, until you are able to see her again.
Many blessings,
Jessica
[Baby Girl's] Foster Mom
Can I just tell you that it was the hardest letter I've ever written? You see, I know the power of having the Savior in your life. I know that this could change everything. I know that He can redeem her from the life that she is living. I know that this could mean letting go of Baby Girl one day.
Therefore, I'm begging for your prayers. Please pray, along with me, that she receives this letter for what it is, my heart reaching out to hers. Pray that the spirit with which I wrote this letter is pure, good, honest and Christ filled.
You see, I'm not sure about my intentions. Yes, I desperately want her to know the love of the Savior. However, another part of me hopes that if I show her Christ's love, then she will see my heart and know that Baby Girl is in the best place, therefore relinquishing her rights immediately. I know it twisted.
Please believe me, that above all else I desire for Baby Girl's mother to live life fully surrendered to the Lord. But, a small part of me wants her to do that AND allow me to be Baby Girl's mother.
So as Monday approaches and I hand this woman a chunk of my heart, please beg the Lord to prepare her. Pray that He begins to draw her to Him, that she feels the ache in her heart that only Jesus can fill and that I water a seed that has already been planted.
I know it's not by accident that I feel this way. Today, as I drove the kids home from gymnastics, I heard the DJ read the following scripture:
I love it when God is so clear, don't you? It's all about mercy.
Thanks for the prayers.
Sitting in that court room on the Thursday of Baby Girl's Disposition was no easy task. Hearing all the things that she went through while still in the womb was heartbreaking and, quite frankly it made me very angry at the woman who would do this to MY baby.
However, over the course of the last week or two, my heart has begun to soften. I know that Baby Girl's birth mother is bound by sin. I know that she suffers from addiction. I remember my life before I knew my Lord deeply and intimately and it wasn't pretty.
I wondered if birth mom thought about her precious baby and wondered how she was doing. I had my doubts because she's only seen her twice in the 3 months of her life.
Then, earlier this week I got an email from Baby Girl's social worker saying that she'd received a letter from birth mother requesting a picture. I knew that we'd be in court in just 1 week, so I told the social worker I'd bring it then.
As my heart and mind has mulled over birth mom's request, I've thought about what it might be like to be in her shoes. I've prayed over my actions regarding his request and felt the Holy Spirit move me to tears, aching for this mother and the hearbreak she must be feeling.
So last night, as everyone in my house slept, I sat in the darkness looking at my Baby Girl and I typed the following letter to her mother:
Dear Ms. [Smith],
I'm sitting here, watching [Baby Girl] sleep, listening to the sounds of her breathing, knowing that if I were in your shoes, I'd want to know how my baby is doing. So, first let me tell you that the purpose of this letter is not to make you feel bad, or judged, but simply a letter from a foster mom to a birth mom about how her baby is doing and what she's been up to over the last 3 months.
[Baby Girl] is such a precious little girl. When I picked her up from the hospital on October 13, 2008 I had no idea how much I would grow to love your precious daughter. She is beautiful in every way, as I'm sure you would agree.
[Baby Girl] still sleeps a lot, waking up about every 3 or so hours (during the day) to eat and for "conversations" where she flashes a heart melting smile. She smiles with her whole face, opening her mouth wide and sometimes even giggling. She loves being talked to, sung to, cooed at and, mostly just held. She loves to sleep swaddled all up, with a pacifier securely in her mouth.
She's a good sleeper, already sleeping through the night. She takes her last bottle somewhere between 8 and 9pm and then sleeps until 5am or so.
She has a unique personality and from the very beginning has been more responsive and cooed more than any baby I've ever seen. Her beautiful eyes scan your face, really checking out the person who is holding her. She is very alert (when she's awake) and even now, as she is sleeping, she makes soft noises that are so sweet. Even the doctor said at her newborn visit that she was an alert baby. She even smiled at the doctor at just 5 days old! We were all so amazed!
She is growing pretty well, and at her 2 month check up she weighed 9 pounds 11 ounces. She had gained 1 whole pound since her last weight check just 2 weeks before!
The top of her head still smells just like a new baby and she still has a lot of that same soft hair that she did when she was born. She lost her belly button stump just a week after she was born, which also surprised us.
She can be a little particular with her likes and dislikes. She DOES NOT like one bit to be cold, and she will let you know by crying pretty loud. However, once she is warm again, she calms down quickly. She doesn't like having a dirty diaper, but she also dislikes having her diaper changed. I guess one day she'll realize that she can't have it both ways!
She has a little bit of eczema on both cheeks that we are treating with cortisone cream. It is working really well and the eczema patches are getting better every day. She also has reflux which caused her to spit up formula out of her nose. The reflux also made her cough, but the doctor prescribed some prevacid, which she takes at night before bed and it is helping quite a bit. I have noticed that she isn't coughing hardly at all anymore and the spitting up has gotten a lot better.
[Baby Girl] also has some issues with constipation. However, 1 ounce of prune juice in 1 bottle a day takes care of that problem really quickly. Man, can that girl poop when she gets going!
[Baby Girl] is a very easy going baby. She is content to sit and watch our other children play. She gets lots of hugs and kisses from our 2 year old daughter, 2 year old son and 4 year old daughter. She loves to be in the swing, watching and "talking" to the other kids.
When she first came home from the hospital she wanted to sleep with the light on and sitting propped up. She would have it no other way!
She is precious and beautiful and perfect.
I wanted to share with you about [Baby Girl] because I know that I would want to know these things about my baby. I also want to share with you WHY we chose to become foster parents. Our goal was NOT to steal other people's babies, or even to feel good about ourselves.
We followed through with becoming foster parents because of our relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ. We felt, very strongly, that He was calling us to become foster parents. As we prayed, read our Bible and talked with other people, God confirmed for us that this was something we were suppose to do.
I haven't always been a Christian, though. I had some very hard times in my life during high school and I have made (and continue to make) a lot of mistakes. In fact, it wasn't until I was pregnant with our oldest daughter in 2003 that I really understood what it meant to know God. When I realized that I had a baby coming, I knew that I couldn't be the person that I wanted to be all by myself. I needed help. I couldn't find that help from any person here on this earth. I felt like something was missing, and that something was God. Through pure mercy, God allowed me to be saved through the life, death and conquering of that death by His Son, Jesus Christ. Being "saved" doesn't make me perfect, but it does make me forgiven and redeemed from an eternity separated from a God who whole heartedly loves me. It's more than going to church on Sundays or being "good" its about trying my best to live the life I know God wants me to live and being able to break free from the things that continue to pull me down. I have had struggles and I still do, but God is the one that helps me through.
I am not claiming to know your situation or your view on religion or God. However, it is my prayer that if you do not know who Jesus is, that you will seek Him with your whole heart. I know that a life with Jesus can bring you and [Baby Girl] back together again. Being a Christian doesn't mean that you will never have problems, but that when problems come, you can find strength in God and a desire to push through them.
Basically, I just wanted you to know that there is a God who LOVES you, more than you could ever imagine. He is REAL and powerful and He desperately wants you to know Him. It is because of His love and His work in my life that I am able to love myself and other people. It is because of Him, that when I look at your precious, sweet and perfect [Baby Girl] that I am able to love her as much as I love my own birth children. I can promise you that it is not anything special within me, but the power of Jesus Christ who has captured my heart.
I am praying for you and [Baby Girl] and that you will know that she is being cared for and loved, until you are able to see her again.
Many blessings,
Jessica
[Baby Girl's] Foster Mom
Can I just tell you that it was the hardest letter I've ever written? You see, I know the power of having the Savior in your life. I know that this could change everything. I know that He can redeem her from the life that she is living. I know that this could mean letting go of Baby Girl one day.
Therefore, I'm begging for your prayers. Please pray, along with me, that she receives this letter for what it is, my heart reaching out to hers. Pray that the spirit with which I wrote this letter is pure, good, honest and Christ filled.
You see, I'm not sure about my intentions. Yes, I desperately want her to know the love of the Savior. However, another part of me hopes that if I show her Christ's love, then she will see my heart and know that Baby Girl is in the best place, therefore relinquishing her rights immediately. I know it twisted.
Please believe me, that above all else I desire for Baby Girl's mother to live life fully surrendered to the Lord. But, a small part of me wants her to do that AND allow me to be Baby Girl's mother.
So as Monday approaches and I hand this woman a chunk of my heart, please beg the Lord to prepare her. Pray that He begins to draw her to Him, that she feels the ache in her heart that only Jesus can fill and that I water a seed that has already been planted.
I know it's not by accident that I feel this way. Today, as I drove the kids home from gymnastics, I heard the DJ read the following scripture:
So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.
James 2:12-13
James 2:12-13
I love it when God is so clear, don't you? It's all about mercy.
Thanks for the prayers.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Confessions of a Vacation Mom
Okay, so you know how I said here that I planned on spending that driving time reading and memorizing scriptures and catching up on my Bible study book? Well, I must confess, I didn't even crack my Bible open. Well, that's not true either, I did open it on Sunday when we visited my BFF's church. I DID get caught up with my Bible study book, but I don't know that I like it very much. But, that's another post entirely.
Anyway, the point in my confessing is that I feel the need to tell you all that I struggled a lot on vacation. You see, being in my hometown is bittersweet for me. If you read this you will know that my time in high school wasn't great. Being "home" always comes with a level of anxiety for me. Usually, I can tolerate it. However, this year more family drama added to the mix made it just a bit more stressful. Now pour in some hurt and pain from issues with another family member and you have nothing short of a recipe for self-pity pie.
Here at home, in my own environment, snuggly safe in my own world, these things do not pose any threats. I can turn to trusted friends who are also believers, blogs of other believers and even prayer to help me through life's daily struggles. On vacation, those first two were not readily available. And I chose NOT to use the third. Why am I telling you all of this? Why am I exposing myself? Because I feel that you deserve the truth? Not really.
I am blogging this because I feel that saying it outloud, with other people watching will remind me of the real place that I should go to find comfort...Him.
So, I'm telling you that numerous times on our vacation I should have cracked my Bible open or prayed for God's wisdom and peace, but instead I chewed at my fingernails, mumbled under my breath, thought negative thoughts and did things that made my Lord none-too-proud. Rarely, when facing these situations did I stop and pray for peace, mercy or understanding. I just don't get it. I do that at home. Why didn't I there?
Then it hit me. I live in a bubble. I live safe and secure in my own little world. I allow very little negativity in. When it does sneak in, I push it out and wall myself in. I surround myself with believers, people who are uplifting and put myself only in situations that I am prepared to handle. I live in a self-created, virtually impenetrable bubble. I am still sitting here in shock. How did this happen? Why did I do this?
I sit on Sunday mornings and tell the 11th graders in my Sunday school class to live what they know. I sit there and tell them that if they really believe, then others around them will see it and it will be evident. I tell them to go out and take with them all that they know and not to fall victim to the world's deceit.
I am a hypocrite. When faced with the most challenging people in my life I chose to shut down. I did not seek out my Savior. Instead, I dealt with it on my own, I put myself and my own abilities above what I knew to be true. Instead of making a difference or being a light, my bulb burnt out and I chose to leave it that way. I just don't get it. That's not me. Or is it? I still have a lot of discovery to do in this area. I have a lot to pray over, a lot to repent about and a lot of allowing of God to search my heart.
But for now, I ask each of you to forgive me. Forgive me for being self-righteous and arrogant. Forgive me for pretending to know how to deal with the world when I don't have a clue. Forgive me for closing myself into a bubble and squelching out anything that is of conflict. Forgive me for being your Sunday school teacher and wondering why it was so hard for you to "get it" when I didn't even "get it" myself. Clearly, I have so much to learn. I pray for you all to bear with me as the Lord teaches, guides and reprimands me in all that I have to learn.
Anyway, the point in my confessing is that I feel the need to tell you all that I struggled a lot on vacation. You see, being in my hometown is bittersweet for me. If you read this you will know that my time in high school wasn't great. Being "home" always comes with a level of anxiety for me. Usually, I can tolerate it. However, this year more family drama added to the mix made it just a bit more stressful. Now pour in some hurt and pain from issues with another family member and you have nothing short of a recipe for self-pity pie.
Here at home, in my own environment, snuggly safe in my own world, these things do not pose any threats. I can turn to trusted friends who are also believers, blogs of other believers and even prayer to help me through life's daily struggles. On vacation, those first two were not readily available. And I chose NOT to use the third. Why am I telling you all of this? Why am I exposing myself? Because I feel that you deserve the truth? Not really.
I am blogging this because I feel that saying it outloud, with other people watching will remind me of the real place that I should go to find comfort...Him.
So, I'm telling you that numerous times on our vacation I should have cracked my Bible open or prayed for God's wisdom and peace, but instead I chewed at my fingernails, mumbled under my breath, thought negative thoughts and did things that made my Lord none-too-proud. Rarely, when facing these situations did I stop and pray for peace, mercy or understanding. I just don't get it. I do that at home. Why didn't I there?
Then it hit me. I live in a bubble. I live safe and secure in my own little world. I allow very little negativity in. When it does sneak in, I push it out and wall myself in. I surround myself with believers, people who are uplifting and put myself only in situations that I am prepared to handle. I live in a self-created, virtually impenetrable bubble. I am still sitting here in shock. How did this happen? Why did I do this?
I sit on Sunday mornings and tell the 11th graders in my Sunday school class to live what they know. I sit there and tell them that if they really believe, then others around them will see it and it will be evident. I tell them to go out and take with them all that they know and not to fall victim to the world's deceit.
I am a hypocrite. When faced with the most challenging people in my life I chose to shut down. I did not seek out my Savior. Instead, I dealt with it on my own, I put myself and my own abilities above what I knew to be true. Instead of making a difference or being a light, my bulb burnt out and I chose to leave it that way. I just don't get it. That's not me. Or is it? I still have a lot of discovery to do in this area. I have a lot to pray over, a lot to repent about and a lot of allowing of God to search my heart.
But for now, I ask each of you to forgive me. Forgive me for being self-righteous and arrogant. Forgive me for pretending to know how to deal with the world when I don't have a clue. Forgive me for closing myself into a bubble and squelching out anything that is of conflict. Forgive me for being your Sunday school teacher and wondering why it was so hard for you to "get it" when I didn't even "get it" myself. Clearly, I have so much to learn. I pray for you all to bear with me as the Lord teaches, guides and reprimands me in all that I have to learn.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Heart Changes
This morning, I woke up at 6:15am (yes, that's correct). Have I mentioned I'm not a morning person? I did NOT bound out of bed, but I did manage to maintain some sort of coherent brain function because at 6:35am I got out of the bed. By 6:40am I was pounding the pavement. I did well, running for almost the entire 20 minutes. I knew that I had to be home by 7:00 so that I could shower and get ready for Classical. It felt so good to be out there with the cool, crisp morning air.
The last few runs I've listened to Podcasts, because in the past music didn't distract me enough from the actual task of running. This morning, I felt like God was saying, just listen to the music, and with it worship me. So, I did. I even caught myself attempting to sing some (I say attempt because I hardly had breath to sing with). I kept telling Him that I couldn't believe He's placed this desire in me. I haven't dry heaved once since the running thing began. It's so unlike me. It made me think about the other changes that He has made in me. As I look back at the "old me" and even the me that has changed since when I first believed, I can see such a drastic difference. The thing that baffles me most is that I'm still ME. I'm still the same old Jessica, just different, newer, cleaner. Let me give you some examples:
1. I've always been the loud person in the group, usually saying everything that comes to mind. Those of you who have only known me in the last 5 or so years must be saying to yourself "Is that different from now?"
Yes, it is. Drastically. I have always had issues controlling my tongue. I'd say anything to get a laugh. I would use profanity to accentuate my stories and often incorporate lies into what I told just to see others laugh and get their approval.
In the last few years, God has shown me how much these words and lies destroy my character and my heart. Although I still slip and say things that are not a blessing, I now have fewer and fewer thoughts that spur these comments. I see the change in my heart and I can only give God the credit. If left to myself, I'd still be walking down a path of destruction with my mouth leading and proclaiming the way (James 3:1-11).
2. Laziness has always plagued me. It has manifested itself as procrastination, a dirty house, spending extra money on things rather than maintaining what I already had and obsessing over the most trivial of tasks as to avoid major ones. Very few times in my life has laziness not been an issue. Usually, those times were only when deadlines were hours away or if negative consequences were attached (like running for punishment for example...sorry, I couldn't resist).
Now, I look at my life differently. Although I still struggle to keep my house clean, I know that good time management is essential for the upkeep of my family. I'm still not where I need to be, but I'm so much further than where I started. I know my roommates from college probably wonder what my house must look like with 6 people living in it. Thankfully, God has placed in me the desire to keep things somewhat pick up. I'm not OCD like some of my friends (who I'll graciously let remain nameless) but I'm not the person I used to be.
3. The most un-obvious (is that a word) yet most dramatic change must be my heart. I know this encompasses the majority of my behavior changes so I'll just address it here and leave it be. From the outside looking in, one may not notice this heart change. However, for me it has been huge. Behaviors have been modified, eradicated and eliminated because of the new condition of my heart. The way I feel about others and the way I feel about myself is so totally different. It's indescribable.
I used to be so judgmental, so condescending, so hurtful of other people. I allowed all types of negativity into my mind and heart. I had no regard for the people around me. Everyone was for my disposal. How could these people serve me? Now, my heart is becoming that of a servant. I see that I need to serve others. I need to allow myself to experience their hurt, their pain, a day in their shoes. While the old me's thoughts drifted to those of persecution and judgment, the new me thinks of ways to help increase the quality of the lives of others. I still have a long way to go.
Nothing can describe or have created this change other than Christ Jesus. I could not change myself. Nothing could save me from the life I had before. Although I still have so very far to go, nothing or no one else could have made this change in me. I now desire to do God's work. I desire time with Him, I long for His presence (Phil. 2:13).
The point is, I could not continue in my old ways and proclaim to be changed by the blood of Jesus (1 Cor. 6:9-11). I know, I know, all this sounds so "churchy." When the old me encountered people who said the things I'm saying they sounded so "Holier than thou." The truth is, I sometimes think things and wonder, is that really me now? Am I really that much different? Or, is it just easier now? Is it easier to be free from sexual sin because I am married? Is it easier to be free from the destructive lifestyle of parties and alcohol because I have the responsibility of kids to keep me grounded? It is easier to watch my mouth because I have little ears listening to my every breath? The truth is....I don't know. What I do know is that I don't feel the same as I did before. I don't think the thoughts I used to think. I don't feel the anger, the hurt, the dirt I used to feel. Certainly that can't be attributed to a change in my environment. Only one Person, one Spirit could change me from the inside out.
I often ask myself, do others see me as Christ follower or a Bible beater? My prayer is that my life is a reflection of love. That as I shed the clothes of my old self and I put on the cloak of my new person, that my life will reflect the true love I have for my Savior, Jesus Christ (Ephesians 4:22-24).
If you hear an air of authority in my voice, if you hear an ounce of holiness, if you see a speck of self-righteousness know that it is not of my own accord that I have been made new. I am new because of He who lives within me. I have changed because of the love of the Spirit inside. I am a DAILY sinner. I still struggle with things that I wouldn't dare mention to close friends, much less on a blog. I am still so fallen, I am even still so very sinful. The good news is that He loves me despite it all.
I think back to the old me just 5ish years ago. I think back to the way my mind worked, the way I WANTED to be important. The way I struggled to give God glory because, quite honestly, I wanted all the glory for me. I remember thinking that I should get some credit. After all, I was a good person. I think about how much I've changed, yet how much I'm still the same old me and...I stand in awe. I love this verse I just found on BibleGateway.com:
The last few runs I've listened to Podcasts, because in the past music didn't distract me enough from the actual task of running. This morning, I felt like God was saying, just listen to the music, and with it worship me. So, I did. I even caught myself attempting to sing some (I say attempt because I hardly had breath to sing with). I kept telling Him that I couldn't believe He's placed this desire in me. I haven't dry heaved once since the running thing began. It's so unlike me. It made me think about the other changes that He has made in me. As I look back at the "old me" and even the me that has changed since when I first believed, I can see such a drastic difference. The thing that baffles me most is that I'm still ME. I'm still the same old Jessica, just different, newer, cleaner. Let me give you some examples:
1. I've always been the loud person in the group, usually saying everything that comes to mind. Those of you who have only known me in the last 5 or so years must be saying to yourself "Is that different from now?"
Yes, it is. Drastically. I have always had issues controlling my tongue. I'd say anything to get a laugh. I would use profanity to accentuate my stories and often incorporate lies into what I told just to see others laugh and get their approval.
In the last few years, God has shown me how much these words and lies destroy my character and my heart. Although I still slip and say things that are not a blessing, I now have fewer and fewer thoughts that spur these comments. I see the change in my heart and I can only give God the credit. If left to myself, I'd still be walking down a path of destruction with my mouth leading and proclaiming the way (James 3:1-11).
2. Laziness has always plagued me. It has manifested itself as procrastination, a dirty house, spending extra money on things rather than maintaining what I already had and obsessing over the most trivial of tasks as to avoid major ones. Very few times in my life has laziness not been an issue. Usually, those times were only when deadlines were hours away or if negative consequences were attached (like running for punishment for example...sorry, I couldn't resist).
Now, I look at my life differently. Although I still struggle to keep my house clean, I know that good time management is essential for the upkeep of my family. I'm still not where I need to be, but I'm so much further than where I started. I know my roommates from college probably wonder what my house must look like with 6 people living in it. Thankfully, God has placed in me the desire to keep things somewhat pick up. I'm not OCD like some of my friends (who I'll graciously let remain nameless) but I'm not the person I used to be.
3. The most un-obvious (is that a word) yet most dramatic change must be my heart. I know this encompasses the majority of my behavior changes so I'll just address it here and leave it be. From the outside looking in, one may not notice this heart change. However, for me it has been huge. Behaviors have been modified, eradicated and eliminated because of the new condition of my heart. The way I feel about others and the way I feel about myself is so totally different. It's indescribable.
I used to be so judgmental, so condescending, so hurtful of other people. I allowed all types of negativity into my mind and heart. I had no regard for the people around me. Everyone was for my disposal. How could these people serve me? Now, my heart is becoming that of a servant. I see that I need to serve others. I need to allow myself to experience their hurt, their pain, a day in their shoes. While the old me's thoughts drifted to those of persecution and judgment, the new me thinks of ways to help increase the quality of the lives of others. I still have a long way to go.
Nothing can describe or have created this change other than Christ Jesus. I could not change myself. Nothing could save me from the life I had before. Although I still have so very far to go, nothing or no one else could have made this change in me. I now desire to do God's work. I desire time with Him, I long for His presence (Phil. 2:13).
The point is, I could not continue in my old ways and proclaim to be changed by the blood of Jesus (1 Cor. 6:9-11). I know, I know, all this sounds so "churchy." When the old me encountered people who said the things I'm saying they sounded so "Holier than thou." The truth is, I sometimes think things and wonder, is that really me now? Am I really that much different? Or, is it just easier now? Is it easier to be free from sexual sin because I am married? Is it easier to be free from the destructive lifestyle of parties and alcohol because I have the responsibility of kids to keep me grounded? It is easier to watch my mouth because I have little ears listening to my every breath? The truth is....I don't know. What I do know is that I don't feel the same as I did before. I don't think the thoughts I used to think. I don't feel the anger, the hurt, the dirt I used to feel. Certainly that can't be attributed to a change in my environment. Only one Person, one Spirit could change me from the inside out.
I often ask myself, do others see me as Christ follower or a Bible beater? My prayer is that my life is a reflection of love. That as I shed the clothes of my old self and I put on the cloak of my new person, that my life will reflect the true love I have for my Savior, Jesus Christ (Ephesians 4:22-24).
If you hear an air of authority in my voice, if you hear an ounce of holiness, if you see a speck of self-righteousness know that it is not of my own accord that I have been made new. I am new because of He who lives within me. I have changed because of the love of the Spirit inside. I am a DAILY sinner. I still struggle with things that I wouldn't dare mention to close friends, much less on a blog. I am still so fallen, I am even still so very sinful. The good news is that He loves me despite it all.
I think back to the old me just 5ish years ago. I think back to the way my mind worked, the way I WANTED to be important. The way I struggled to give God glory because, quite honestly, I wanted all the glory for me. I remember thinking that I should get some credit. After all, I was a good person. I think about how much I've changed, yet how much I'm still the same old me and...I stand in awe. I love this verse I just found on BibleGateway.com:
“The Lord your God will change your heart and the hearts of all your descendants, so that you will love him with all your heart and soul and so you may live! The Lord your God will inflict all these curses on your enemies and on those who hate and persecute you. Then you will again obey the Lord and keep all his commands that I am giving you today.
“The Lord your God will then make you successful in everything you do. He will give you many children and numerous livestock, and he will cause your fields to produce abundant harvests, for the Lord will again delight in being good to you as he was to your ancestors. The Lord your God will delight in you if you obey his voice and keep the commands and decrees written in this Book of Instruction, and if you turn to the Lord your God with all your heart and soul.
~ Deuteronomy 30:6-10
I love how the Lord of creation decreed this for His people thousands of years ago, yet it still explains my heart today, in 2008. I love that the Lord knows me better than I know myself. I love that He keeps His promises. I feel the abudance spoken of in those verses above. I feel the change in my heart. I feel His blessings and it's all because He chose to call me. I'm so glad, for once, I listened to someone other than myself.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Random Rantings
I don't really have a specific thing on my mind, as I usually do when I post. However, I feel the need to write so I apologize in advance it this is all over the place.
First of all, today HAS NOT been a great day so far (yes, it's just 1:36pm and I'm saying that). Apparently, all 3 of the big kids woke up on the wrong side of the bed. On the way to gymnastics (it's at 11am) I had to pull the car over to discipline Lucas. He was screaming at the top of his lungs at Ashlee because she had her fingers in her mouth. Yes, I know, I don't get it either.
Then, I clearly set myself up for disappointment. Earlier in the week I emailed with our social worker because I feel that Baby D's parents are not being held accountable enough. He has been in care almost 3 months and they have not been "tested" regarding the main reason he was removed from care. As you know, I cannot go into detail, but I hope you catch my drift. The social worker told me, via email, that she planned on going to their house today during the visit (the visits are supervised by another social worker, so I don't believe that the regular social worker has seen them with the baby yet). Of course, I got my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, she was visiting them so that they could sign some paperwork. When the transportation social worker dropped Baby D off this morning, she told me that they all (her and birth parents as well as Baby D) had went to W@l-mart to get Baby D's pictures taken.
I almost threw up. So, these people have no income, no work ethic regarding the work it takes to get their baby back, but they can go to the photographer and "play family." UUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!! I can feel my blood pressure rising as I type this. I get so angry at them.
I must keep reminding myself Who is in control. It's not me, it's not Baby D's birth parents. It's not even the social workers. It is Him, my God who created clarity, justice, reason and love.
I love BibleGateway.com because I can think of the scripture I've heard before (but have no clue as the reference) go to the search tool and find exactly what I'm looking for. In this case, here's what I found:
I know that what is just and true and promised will come out of this situation, but I'm so impatient and, quite honestly, bitter. I pray that God will provide me with a heart of peace, grace and mercy and one that understands that it is the journey that grows my heart, not the end result. I think I need a good run.
First of all, today HAS NOT been a great day so far (yes, it's just 1:36pm and I'm saying that). Apparently, all 3 of the big kids woke up on the wrong side of the bed. On the way to gymnastics (it's at 11am) I had to pull the car over to discipline Lucas. He was screaming at the top of his lungs at Ashlee because she had her fingers in her mouth. Yes, I know, I don't get it either.
Then, I clearly set myself up for disappointment. Earlier in the week I emailed with our social worker because I feel that Baby D's parents are not being held accountable enough. He has been in care almost 3 months and they have not been "tested" regarding the main reason he was removed from care. As you know, I cannot go into detail, but I hope you catch my drift. The social worker told me, via email, that she planned on going to their house today during the visit (the visits are supervised by another social worker, so I don't believe that the regular social worker has seen them with the baby yet). Of course, I got my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, she was visiting them so that they could sign some paperwork. When the transportation social worker dropped Baby D off this morning, she told me that they all (her and birth parents as well as Baby D) had went to W@l-mart to get Baby D's pictures taken.
I almost threw up. So, these people have no income, no work ethic regarding the work it takes to get their baby back, but they can go to the photographer and "play family." UUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!! I can feel my blood pressure rising as I type this. I get so angry at them.
I must keep reminding myself Who is in control. It's not me, it's not Baby D's birth parents. It's not even the social workers. It is Him, my God who created clarity, justice, reason and love.
I love BibleGateway.com because I can think of the scripture I've heard before (but have no clue as the reference) go to the search tool and find exactly what I'm looking for. In this case, here's what I found:
Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne;
love and faithfulness go before you.
~Psalm 89:14
love and faithfulness go before you.
~Psalm 89:14
I suggest reading all of Psalm 89 if you'd like to know more about God's nature.
I know that what is just and true and promised will come out of this situation, but I'm so impatient and, quite honestly, bitter. I pray that God will provide me with a heart of peace, grace and mercy and one that understands that it is the journey that grows my heart, not the end result. I think I need a good run.
Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside.
I was so foolish and ignorant—
I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
~Psalm 73:21-26 (emphasis mine)
I was so foolish and ignorant—
I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
~Psalm 73:21-26 (emphasis mine)
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