This Week

Tomorrow is Labor Day so Luke will be home from work (Yay!). I love it when he's home with us all day and it's not the weekend. It's so much fun for me and the kids. I anticipate tomorrow being relaxing and fun.

Tuesday, we begin our homeschool group of Classical Conversations. I will be tutoring Elizabeth's class of 4 year olds. I think there will be about seven 4 year olds in the class this year.

Let me attempt to explain the program of Classical. Basically, it's memorization of tons and tons of information. The goal, as I understand it, is to create "pegs" in the child's brain. You do this by pouring information into their already sponge-like brains and reinforce it with songs, chants, hand/body motions and acronyms. As they recite these bits of information, the pegs are knocked into place more securely.

The reason you want them to memorize so much stuff is so that when the information is later addressed, they will have some sort of background knowledge to build from. As a former public school teacher I can tell you that background knowledge is hard to come by. Often, students would enter my classroom only knowledgeable about the things in their immediate environment. Trying to tie an in-depth unit study of North Carolina to any background knowledge was like trying to hang a coat rack with jelly, impossible!

I am excited to see what all Elizabeth will learn this year. Although I am not expecting her to understand all that she will be learning, I do think that she will build a base of knowledge that we can grow upon for years to come. Here are the main categories of information that she'll be memorizing. Keep in mind that Classical lasts for 24 weeks. We will memorize one thing in each of these categories over those 24 weeks.

> English Grammer - this includes verb tenses, verb forms, sentence patterns, types of sentences and parts of speech
> Science - this year we will study the Human Body
> History - this year we study American History. With this she will learn the Preamble to the Constitution, all the US Presidents, the Bill of Rights as well as 22 other meaningful history sentences relevant to our country, it's freedoms and notable dates.
> Math - this includes forms of measurements and things as complex as the Distributive Law and how to find an atomic number of an atom
> Latin (yep, you read that right)
> Bible - She will memorize the entire chapter of John 1 (oh, and this will be in English and in Latin, incase you're wondering)
> Geography - including all 50 states and their capitals plus 20ish other geographical bits of info (such as the Great Lakes, Major Bays, Rivers, and Mountain Ranges)
> Fine Arts - including how to play the Tin Whistle, drawing, and info about several great Artists (ie. Grandma Moses and Georgia O'Keeffe

I'm guessing that she'll remember WAY more than I will, but that we'll both learn so much in the process. I'm nervous, but excited. I know it will be an adventure and I'm always up for a challenge. Here we go! Wish me luck...oh, and if you think about it, say a prayer!

Just So You Know...

1. If you keep up with my blog and genuinely desire to know more about our situation with Baby D, or if you're friends or family and have questions, it does not irritate me if you ask. I only get frustrated with people who ask in an inappropriate (insensitive) manner or if they are only asking to be nosy. I welcome your questions and comments, seriously. I'll let you know if you step on my toes.

2. I ran again this morning and IT FELT GREAT! I can hardly believe that I am typing those words in relation to running. I actually "jalked" more today than I did in my first run, plus I went further than I did the last time. I'm looking forward to hopefully getting a run in tomorrow morning before church or during the kids' nap time tomorrow afternoon. I can't believe I'm enjoying it this much. It's so not me. It helps that Luke is being incredibly encouraging and supportive. I have a remarkable husband.

Keep It To Yourself

I'm actually writing this post shortly after my last one, while bottles and dishes soak in the sink. After claiming I had nothing on my mind, these popped in and refused to go away. Therefore, I decided to sit back down, write them out and schedule this post to publish early tomorrow morning (Saturday).

If you've made one of these comments or asked one of these questions, don't be offended. But, I'm so freakin' sick of hearing them that I thought I'd give my usual response/answer to each of them, and along with it, say what's really going through my head.

**Warning, if you're easily offended, you might wanna stop now. If you have to stop and wonder if you're easily offended, you probably are....no offense ;) **

**It's probably also not terribly kid friendly. I'm pretty blunt. Parental discretion is advised.*** (haha)

Comments and Questions I'm SICK Of Hearing

Question 1. Wow! You really have your hands full! (Usually said by people who only have 1 kid).

Usual response: Actually, I have really awesome kids and they are usually a lot of fun to be around. I feel incredibly blessed.

What I would like to say: Yes, I do have a lot on my plate. However, your presumption that my "hands are full" indicates to me that you have already assessed my ability to do my job. Yes, this is my job. I am a full-time maid, chef, chauffeur, nanny, wife and mother (plus a few I'm sure I'm forgetting). I'm sorry that YOU feel you would be unable to do this, but during this season of my life, I feel that I am doing exactly what God has called me to do. My hands are not "full" they are overflowing with God's blessings. I wish you liked your kids as much as I do mine.

Question 2: Did his parents not want him? (spoken about Baby D, usually in his presence)

Usual response: They are still working a plan to reunify. I am unable to discuss details.

What I would like to say: Do you really think I would tell you, especially after asking in that manner? I mean, first of all, please do not talk about MY child like he is disposable, especially right in front of him. I realize that you do not think that he understands. However, getting accustomed to speaking negatively about him or his parents in his presence is not something I am willing to do. He is a precious, innocent, beautiful child, created for a purpose by God. He is desired as a member of our family and we will love him as such until we are told not to.

Question 3: How in the world will you ever give him back?
Usually followed by: I could never be a foster parent, I'd get too attached.

Usual response: God clearly led us into being foster parents. If He chooses for him to leave us, God will also help us through that process as well. (I'm usually silent regarding the second comment.)

What I'd like to say: My prayer is that I will never have to give him back. However, since God made it ABUNDANTLY obvious of His desire for us to becoming foster parents, we chose to be obedient. It was not a decisions we made overnight or spontaneously. I believe that because of God's great mercy, love and faithfulness, IF He reunifies Baby D with his birth family, God will also lead us through the emotions that would accompany that.

In light of your second comment about never being able to foster. Well, I think that if you claim you could "never" do something, you're speaking more about your belief in God than your abilities as a human. Luke and I are not super-parents. We did not have an exponential amount of love just lying around that we were not already using so we flippantly decided to add to our quiver. This is a God sized thing. We cannot do this alone. We believe that our God can work through us to accomplish things that we could not do ordinarily on our own. If you do not think God can use you in that way, I would challenge you to examine your relationship with Him. It may not be all you think it is.

Question 4: So, are ya'll done having kids? or So, you're done now, right? or Wow! Don't you know how that happens? (referencing baby making)

Usual response: Probably not. We'll just have to see what God has in store for us. (I usually just roll my eyes at the last question.)

What I'd like to say: I'm incredibly sorry that you don't enjoy your kids as much as I enjoy mine. Yes, I lay down each night exhausted. Yes, I have a lot of people to take care of each day. However, I do not see them as a burden. They are my joy. A pure gift from God. While I recognize that not everyone is called to be a parent to lots of children, the tone in which you asked indicated that you are unhappy with the children God already gave you. I think prayer and a sincere, open conversation with God would do you some good. And, you might wanna get to know your kids. They're probably a lot cooler than you give them credit for.

Yes, I know how "it happens." My husband is incredibly hot. I cannot keep my hands off him. I'm sorry you are not attracted to your spouse.

Question 5: When do you ever have time for the things YOU want to do?

Usual response: Luke and I find some time to spend independently and together. It's not a lot but it's good enough for now.

What I'd like to say: Yes, I have minimal alone/personal time. However, at this season of my life, God has not called me to be selfish. Being a parent means being selfLESS. I would much rather pour my time into raising caring, capable, God fearing kids, than be off by myself whilst hoping that my kids turn out okay. When my kids are gone and our house is empty we will find time to travel, read and knit (okay maybe not). Right now, I enjoy my kids because this time in their lives is so very brief. I'm sorry you don't want to spend time with your kids, as a family. It's really a lot of fun. Exhausting, but fun.

Question 6: Aren't your OWN kids jealous of him? ("him" being Baby D)

Usual response: They are really good with him. They love him like he's ours, just like we do.

What I'd like to say: Actually, our kids are crazy about him. They probably love him more than we do (okay, maybe not). Aside from that, he IS OUR KID. We don't differentiate between "ours" and "not ours." I could understand if you asked me how they were adjusting, but to assume that we make clear differences between the 4 children in our home is to assume that we are not loving this child with all our capabilities. I'm sorry if you feel that you do not have enough love to go around. Maybe you need more Jesus in your life.

Question 7: Now, which one isn't yours? or Which one is the orphan? or someone who already knows our situation points out to someone else That one is the foster baby! in front of all of our children.

Usual response: We are keeping the baby until a permanent placement is made. (If they can't figure out which one is the "baby" then they have bigger issues).

What I'd like to say: They all are "ours." We do not differentiate between "ours" and "not ours" just like God's love does not apply to "saved" and "not saved." He loves everyone regardless of their position. While we may struggle to love all people, the children in our home are loved as equally as humanly possible. None of them are orphans because each of them has a loving mother and father. I'm sorry that you have abandonment issues and/or feel the need to clearly isolate others.

-----
While I know that I maybe hypersensitive to these questions and comments, I also realize that many people are oblivious to the hurtful comments and tones that they use. We desire to love Baby D as if he is our child by birth and, with a few exceptions that we cannot control, we plan to do so until further notice. Once more, I am not trying to be offensive, but sometimes outsiders are oblivious. I do not mind answering questions, most of the time, as long as the person's heart reflects genuine interest, love and a desire to be uplifting. Sometimes, this is clearly NOT the case. It's offensive to me, hurtful and mostly, just rude. I try to view their questions in light of how I used to perceive things, before we were foster parents. I don't think I was that rude.

I remember very vividly about 2 years ago, being in the toddler class at our church. At our church, there is another family who used to foster but have since adopted out. As I sat there with 2 childcare workers, I listened to the conversation these women were having about 2 of the children in this family (that were also in the room). One child was theirs by birth, the other via adoption. Coincidentally, they are only months apart in age. These women sat there and openly discussed which was "really theirs" and which "was the crack baby." How hurtful! I know that these kids were not even 2 years old yet, but can you imagine having to go through life with that label? I pray for this family often.

I also pray, that if the Lord let's us keep Baby D, that outsiders will not continue to label him as an orphan, a foster baby or any other name that provokes feelings of negativity. I pray that others will become aware of their hurtful words and acknowledge that it is by God's grace that THEY are saved and it is by that same grace that God pulled this precious child out of a horrible situation and placed him into our family. I pray that God will bring into the light phrases and comments that I make that are hurtful and help me to see the error of my ways.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
~ Psalm 139:23-24

Random Rantings

I don't really have a specific thing on my mind, as I usually do when I post. However, I feel the need to write so I apologize in advance it this is all over the place.

First of all, today HAS NOT been a great day so far (yes, it's just 1:36pm and I'm saying that). Apparently, all 3 of the big kids woke up on the wrong side of the bed. On the way to gymnastics (it's at 11am) I had to pull the car over to discipline Lucas. He was screaming at the top of his lungs at Ashlee because she had her fingers in her mouth. Yes, I know, I don't get it either.

Then, I clearly set myself up for disappointment. Earlier in the week I emailed with our social worker because I feel that Baby D's parents are not being held accountable enough. He has been in care almost 3 months and they have not been "tested" regarding the main reason he was removed from care. As you know, I cannot go into detail, but I hope you catch my drift. The social worker told me, via email, that she planned on going to their house today during the visit (the visits are supervised by another social worker, so I don't believe that the regular social worker has seen them with the baby yet). Of course, I got my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, she was visiting them so that they could sign some paperwork. When the transportation social worker dropped Baby D off this morning, she told me that they all (her and birth parents as well as Baby D) had went to W@l-mart to get Baby D's pictures taken.

I almost threw up. So, these people have no income, no work ethic regarding the work it takes to get their baby back, but they can go to the photographer and "play family." UUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!! I can feel my blood pressure rising as I type this. I get so angry at them.

I must keep reminding myself Who is in control. It's not me, it's not Baby D's birth parents. It's not even the social workers. It is Him, my God who created clarity, justice, reason and love.

I love BibleGateway.com because I can think of the scripture I've heard before (but have no clue as the reference) go to the search tool and find exactly what I'm looking for. In this case, here's what I found:

Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne;
love and faithfulness go before you.
~Psalm 89:14

I suggest reading all of Psalm 89 if you'd like to know more about God's nature.

I know that what is just and true and promised will come out of this situation, but I'm so impatient and, quite honestly, bitter. I pray that God will provide me with a heart of peace, grace and mercy and one that understands that it is the journey that grows my heart, not the end result. I think I need a good run.

Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside.
I was so foolish and ignorant—
I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
~Psalm 73:21-26 (emphasis mine)

Sore, but Good

Today, my hips are sore, my calves are tight and every now and then I feel a twinge in my abs. However, it actually feels good to be sore. I haven't felt this way in a long, long time.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow's run--or "jalk" in my case (half jog, half walk).

In the meantime, keep praying for my little unspoken thing. I'm sorta getting nowhere, but I feel like something's coming. It's strange, but I'm excited to see what God is about to do!

Round 1 Run Complete!

So, I did it. I ran this evening after Luke got home and we had dinner. I can't believe I actually went. Yes, it was raining, but if I look for excuses I will find them everywhere. Like I told Luke, if I'm really gonna do this, I have to start today.

Lindsey, I don't think I'd make much of a running partner seeing as how I only ran about 40% of the time. Plus, you want to carry on a conversation? Yeah, right.

Thanks for the encouragement, from everyone. I appreciate it. We'll see how long this lasts.

I'm Gonna Put On, My My My My My Runnin' Shoes....Maybe

I've never liked running, ever. When I was in college, I played on the volleyball team. Our coach was hardcore and during preseason would make us get up 2 to 3 times a week and run. Our goal was to run a mile in 8 minutes or less. I know, I know...that's not incredibly fast. However, volleyball players are sprinters my nature. I never minded sprinting, it was the long distances, you know longer than the straight aways, that I hated. Each morning we ran our timed mile, I'd wake up (have I mentioned I'm not a morning person either?) at 5:30am, slip into my workout clothes and, while dry-heaving, tie up my running shoes. The dry heaving would continue as I walked the 100 or so yards across campus to the track. The closer I got to the track, the more I'd dry heave. I'm not kidding. Even now, thinking about it, my heart is racing.

The dry heaving would continue as our coach made us run an entire warm up lap. I felt that this warm up lap was completely unnecessary and I didn't understand why she would make me use up perfectly good running energy to "warm up."

Usually, I finished my mile in less than 8 minutes, but almost always I barfed afterwards. I would have to syke myself out with each step, saying something stupid like,

"The next time I'm right here I'll only have 3 laps left."

"Okay, just make it to the next line and then you'll only have 11 more lines left" (referring to the starting lines on the track).

Mental toughness when running was never my forte. I could handle practicing for 3-4 hours at a time, do sprinting drills, suicides, etc. but distance running....NO THANKS!

So, with that said why is it, I ask you, that I feel the need to become a runner? (There it goes again, my heart is starting to race.) Why do I feel this drive to run? Well, I've been following the blog of Lindsey Broere, a friend from my middle school days. I don't know what in the crap she's training for, but she's running like a mad lady. I think I read somewhere the other day that she ran for like 4 hours or something. Can I just say "NOT A CHANCE IN YOU-KNOW-WHERE!!!"

Nonetheless, I have felt called to run. Maybe it's because of the way Lindsey talks about the quiet time, or the consistency, or the way that she feels God is communicating to her thru the endurance and physical exertion. At any rate, I'm going to give it a try. I could use the toughening up and the opportunity to shed some extra pounds.

As I said before, I'm NOT a runner. I'll probably start off with a brisk walk and work my way up. If you read this, and you ARE a runner, I'd enjoy any tips you might like to share. For the rest of you, just PRAY.

And, if you see me, laying face down in the grass on the side of the road, don't be alarmed. I'm probably just cooling off.

****By the way, this is my 100th post! Yay!******

Going Public

Today I had the privilege of watching my 4 year old daughter boldly proclaim her faith in front of 500+ people. If you've been following my blog, you know that almost a full year ago Elizabeth prayed to receive Christ. However, because of my shallow faith, because of my lack of understanding, because I couldn't see her faith with my own eyes, I didn't believe her. Today, she was bold, today I could see, today I witnessed true believing.

Since Elizabeth had spoken with Bailey, we knew that she truly understood what it means to have Christ within you. Therefore, we asked her if she was ready to take the next step. We asked her if she was ready to proclaim her faith openly. The service we attend is the largest service time at our church. On a crowded Sunday, there could be as many as 700 people in the Multi-purpose Building (I'm really guessing. It could be 500 or so, I stink at guessing numbers).

During the time of invitation, Elizabeth did not waiver. She courageously walked in front of all of those adults and talked with "Pister" Michael about her decision. Along with 3 other people, she was presented to the church and after service was greeted by all of our friends and church family. It was an awesome thing to watch and I fought tears most of the afternoon. Just as Luke said on our way home from church,

"It's so awesome to know that we will get to spend eternity with our daughter."

I couldn't agree more.

Today also sparked a lot of thought. Why is it that Elizabeth needed to proclaim her faith? Why is that needed? What's the point? Is she more saved if she does this? Is it jut for show? I dug into some scripture and here's what I found.

1. Scripture commands us to speak that Christ Jesus is in our heart. The confession of our tounge, the act of willfully saying it, makes it true. Romans 10:9-10 says,

That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

See it? Right there is says, that in your heart you believe and with the confession of your mouth you are saved. Yes, she had already confessed it to me, Luke, Bailey and anyone that asked. But going public means more than just telling those you already know, it means telling people that you've never met. It means facing challenging situations and having the courage to speak it, outloud. My baby did just that.

2. I want her to be bold in her faith. As a beliver, I don't claim to know all the answers. Crap, sometimes, I look at opposing arguments, science and other things and wonder why I believe what I believe. Then, I have to dig to find answers. However, the first step is being bold. Knowing what you believe because it's real and alive and living within you. I like how it is explained in Colossians 1:27b-28:

And this is the secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory. So we tell others about Christ, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all the wisdom God has given us. We want to present them to God, perfect in their relationship to Christ.

What an awesome thing to know a secret that gives you assurance. What an awesome thing to know that it isn't really a secret! It's meant to share!

I'm such a proud momma today! I'm proud of my little girl for knowing that Jesus is, in fact, real and alive. For understanding that He lives within her.

I'm humbled that God would allow me to witness such an extraordinary event in my child's life. I'm humbled that God used Luke and I, as minuscule as our role was, to show her His love. Thank you Lord, thank you.

Answers and Updates

Okay, this will be brief and probably filled with typos, b/c I'm running low on time. I've got a DATE with my hubby tonight and need to get some things ready, mainly myself. However, I wanted to update on these things:

1. Elizabeth has in fact received Christ (click here for past post). Her friend, Bailey, took some time to talk with her about what it means to have Jesus in your heart. She answered all of Bailey's "questions" and emphatically proclaimed that Jesus, was in fact, living in her. I almost cried. I'm so proud of her and I praise the Lord that He is working on her little heart.

2. Baby D's colic is all but gone. The new formula is working nicely. Click here for past post.

3. I'm still looking to see where God wants to lead me. I feel as though He has laid a scripture on my heart, but it doesn't quite make sense. I'll continue to pray, and I thank those of you who are praying with me. Click here, if you don't know what I'm talking about, but want to.

4. My frustrations are still there because of the lack of progress with Baby D's birth parents. However, I've received some uplifting emails (even one from a stranger) and talked to some close friends. Together, they have helped me to see that I need to continue to rely on the Father. It isn't my own plan, but His. Click here for the last post pertaining to this.

Yay! Now I'm off to spiffy up for my date. I just love going off with my husband, even if it's for an evening. Each time I'm reminded exactly why I fell in love with this remarkable man. Have a great weekend!

Hidden "Treasures"

Alright, today's a two-fer blog day because I had to share this with you all.

Luke says I have the nose of a 'coonhound. He's right. I smell things far better than he does, and much sooner too. Usually, I can smell smoke, bodily functions (toots), vomit, etc. before anyone else in the crowd. I've had an unusually heightened sense of smell all my life, then I got pregnant and got the super-hyped sense of smell you get during that phase of your life. With most women,this souped up smelling goes away after childbirth, with me it did not. I can smell nastiness from yards away. It's a special gift and I'm still trying to decide if it's a blessing or a curse.

Anyway, for about the last week I've smelt this odor in our kitchen. It's progressively gotten stronger and was primarily located near our stove. We keep a small trash can the cabinet beside our stove so I've just been writing the smell off to stinky trash. Last night, I took out the trash and left the door open so that the cabinet could air out. This afternoon, it still stunk pretty bad. Upon inspection with my sniffer, I discovered that it was not the cabinet, but rather the actual stove. I assumed that there was a dead mouse or something under our stove and found the flashlight to inspect further.

I'm not a sqeemish person. Bugs, mice, dead animals, they really don't gross me out much. I mean, they'r not my favorite things, but I can handle it. Our stove is a drop in range, meaning that it doesn't slide in and out for easy cleaning (not that I clean under my stove that often anyway, as you will soon discover).

So picture me, the bottom of the stove popped off, on my hands and knees looking under our stove with the worst flashlight on the planet. I scan the underbelly, of the stove, expecting at any moment to see a partially decomposed mouse. Instead, I see this glass jar hanging down on the left side, so I remove it. Apparenly, Jenn-Air ranges have a drip feature. They also have drip jars to catch the "juices." This drip jar wasn't appetizing, but it also wasn't the source of the foul odor. I move it to the sink and resume my search. I contiue to scan reaching the right side of the stove. There it is...the nastiest thing I might have ever seen in my own house.....another drip jar, 1/4 of the way full with "juice" and the inside covered with MAGGOTS!

Let me explain to you the basis for my hatred of maggots. Like I said, I'm not fearful of bugs, (you know, except scorpions, tarantulas etc.) so spiders, flies and other creepy crawly things do not bother me. However, when I was in junior high school I lived with my Dad and step-Mom. Each week, one of my chores was to take the trash to and from the curb for trash day. Now, if you've ever been in the south you know the humidity is in full force in the summer. If you've ever been to Arkansas in the summer, you know that no other place on Earth can rival the humidity in the air mid-summer. Each week, the trash would stink to hi-heaven. Each week, my job was to wash out the trash can. Why did it need washing you ask? Well, in high humidity places, flies and mosquitoes breed like rabbits. Each week, our lovely curb side trash can had a fresh crop of maggots. Each week, it was my job to exterminate them. Compound that with the fact that we almost always had Spagetti on trash night (not sure why exactly) and you can see why I loathe maggots. My little sister was about 3 years old at the time and needed her spaghetti cut up for her....yes, making it look just like a bowl of bloody maggots. Gag! I rarely ate dinner on trash day.

Okay, back to this afternoon. I remove the maggot filled jar from the bottom of the stove. Keep in mind that we have lived in this house almost a full year. Until today, I had NO IDEA that my stove came with a set of drip jars that were catching our drippy goodness.

I move the jar over to the sink, thinking that I will put all of these special creatures and their nastiness down the garbage disposal and give them a good dicing. My friend Paige was standing by watching the whole thing. As I sat the jar on the counter, she asked:

"You want me to do something with that?"

I replied, "No, I'll take care of it after I finish washing these bottles."

To which she responds, "Well, you might wanna do something soon, they're crawling out the top."

I glance over, only to see 1 little maggot wriggling it's body out of the opening of the jar. I scream, just like a girl. I'm not much of a screamer, really. Very ugly words go through my mind and I run, and I do mean run, from the jar screaming,

"Get it out! Take it out! Paige, get that out of here!"

Graciously, she takes the maggot filled jar outside, dumps it somewhere (I'd rather not know) and washes it out with the water hose. Guess I'll check my drip jars weekly now.

Have I mentioned that I hate maggots?

Oh, and remember this post? I think I've found out why we have such a problem with flies.

Frustration

I am seriously frustrated with the situation with Baby D. Like usual, I cannot go into much detail, but I can tell you that I personally don't think the parents are being held accountable enough and it bugs the crap out of me! The good thing is, I have some very Christ like friends (one in particular) who loves me for who I am (even though I never call her back) and she constantly reminds me that I am not in control, the social workers aren't either. God is. I serve the Creator of the universe. He loves me and desires the best for me. That is my mantra and I will repeat it with each breath.

Good Company

Tonight we had the privilege of getting to know some new friends. As I said in my last post, I am unable to go into great detail, however these friends have a special link to Baby D. They too are foster parents with our county. Being with them, hearing their encouraging words and knowing that they totally understand strengthens my spirit.

Have you ever met someone and instantly had an unspoken, maybe even un-identifyable connection? I experienced that tonight. As Luke and I shared our hopes, disappointments and frustrations these folks offered support like no one else could. Once again, God confirmed that we are in the right place doing the right thing. I took a few pictures and I wish desperately that I could post them. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell you all the story of Baby D, his connection with this special family and show you some precious pictures. Until then, I pray desperately for God's will, hoping it aligns with the desires in my heart.

SK,
As we were talking tonight, this went through my mind. I know it was put there by our Creator:

Mother and child are not bonded by the womb,
but through her heart.

Thank you for encouraging me.

-----

Last night, I scribbled this in my journal. As I watched the children tonight, I was reminded of it:

Because I'm your mother:
*I check on you each night before I go to sleep.
*I cover you up so you won't get cold.
*I tell you about Jesus and His sacrifice for us.
*I love your father, even when I don't like him.
*I miss my favorite TV show, and lay with you so you aren't afraid.
*I know when you're feeling bad and I can see it in your eyes.
*I'd rather hold you when you're sick, even if it means smelling like puke, snot or worse.

Because I'm your mother:
*I pray for you each day, with each breath I take.
*I pray for your spouse. That he/she will love the Lord an serve Him with all his/her heart.
*I remember each picture stored in baby books and I know the reasons they were taken.
*I vividly relive the day of your birth over and over again. My eyes well up with joy at each thought.
* I remember the day we brought you into our home and the way my heart felt complete.
*I wish you could stay young and innocent for ever, never seeing the true cruelty of this fallen world.
*I can pick your voice or cry out of a crowd.
* I know when you need me.

Because I'm your mother:
* I serve myself last.
* I willingly endure heartache so that you will not feel hurt.
* I eat cold meals.
* I wake up, even when I want to sleep.
* I wipe snot, butts and eyes and kiss boo-boos with pure joy.
* I wear spit-stained shirts.
* I will rock and hold you, even though there are dirty dishes, piles of laundry and filthy floors.

Because I'm your mother:
* I have a purpose in this life.
* I see a clear need for my Savior, His grace and His mercy.
* I'm more alive than I've ever been.
* I smile with just the thought of you.

Because I'm your mother:
* I praise my God from whom the blessings of you came to be.
* I thank Him for the miracle of your life.
* I love wholly.

Excitment and Nerves

Tonight we get to meet some very special people. Because of privacy issues, I cannot go into much detail, but I can tell you that they have a special bond with Baby D. I know that the Devil could sabotage this evening so I am asking for your prayers. I will try to tell you more tomorrow. Thanks!

Baby D's Pic

Many of you commented on me posting Baby D's pic in my last post. I figured that it wasn't a direct, straight on picture and it could probably squeeze by. I probably pushed the limits of what DSS would like, but I figure that I don't use his real name, only the people who know us personally know exactly where we live and, in all honesty, it was too cute of a picture not to post.

Don't rat me out! Thanks for the comments. My kids are cute, both biological and fostered. ;-)

My Purpose

My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

~ Colossians 2:2-3

Searching Her Heart

First of all, thanks for all the encouraging words, emails, calls and comments regarding my last post. I appreciate you all so much and I feel incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such supportive friends.

My sweet Elizabeth, her heart is so tender. Those of you that know her personally can attest to her compassionate nature, her desire to please and her focus on detail. Lately, Luke and I have really noticed her focus on God, heaven and salvation. Before I get to the recent details, let me take you back almost 12 months.

We still lived in our old home (we just moved into our current home last October), and I was putting Elizabeth to bed. She was just over 3 years old at the time. We were doing our normal bedtime/story routine and she asked me a question about heaven. I gently tried to explain that not everyone gets into heaven, only those who have Jesus in their hearts. I asked her if she knew how to get Jesus into her heart. Eyes wide, she looked at me and shook her head from side to side. I remember it so vividly, her big blue eyes searching my face while blond curls bounced on her pillow. I told her,

"Well, you have to say a special prayer letting Him know that you love Him and you know you sin, but you want to be better. You know that Jesus died on the cross for your sins and you want Him to live inside you, forever."

We had talked about Jesus before. She knew about the cross. She understood that Jesus was God's son. As a smile crept across her face, she looked at me so matter-of-factly and said, "I need to pray that Mommy."

I wasn't sure that she really understood. I didn't think her 3 year old heart could get it, but I also knew that I couldn't discourage her from praying to a God that is so real to her. At that moment, she repeated after me as we recited a version of the sinner's prayer. With "Amen" she sat straight up, wrapped her skinny little arms around my neck and squealed with delight. Her reaction was pure joy.

Flash forward several months to this past November. Pastor Michael was preaching about something that I cannot recall at the moment. At the end of his sermon two people (both of them people Elizabeth knows) came on stage. As Michael sang, "East to West" by Casting Crowns, Melinda and Chris, on opposite sides of the stage, begin to paint the hands of Christ. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: "Elizabeth, do you know what they are drawing?"

E: "Hands."

Me: "Do you know who's hands they are?"

E: "God's?"

Me: "Yes."

We watched a little and she saw the blood and hole on Chris' painting.

E: "Why his hand have a hole in it?"

Me: "Because that's where the nail went thru when Jesus was nailed to the cross."

E: "How he bleed for?"

Me: "Because it made him bleed to be nailed on the cross."

E: "Did it hurt?"

Me: "Yes."

E: "Did it hurt real bad? Did it burn?"

Me: "Yes, but Jesus isn't hurt anymore because when he went to heaven he didn't feel any hurts."

E: "Why did Jesus have to bleed?"

By this point the song is ending and Melinda is really starting to draw the blood from His hand.

Me: "Jesus had to bleed so that we could go to heaven. He did it because he loves us."

E: "Did he bleed real bad?"

Me: "Yes, but he did it for us and he doesn't hurt now."

At this Elizabeth got so upset she wanted to leave service. In the lobby we had to pray for Jesus' boo-boos.

Now, jump with me to a few months ago when our church took quarterly communion. As the bread began to pass, I explained to her that she couldn't participate because it was special for people who had Jesus in their heart. She seemed fine with this and kept coloring. However, as she watched everyone around her (minus a few kids sitting nearby) take the bread, she asked again why she could not. When I told her once more that it was only for people who had Jesus in their heart, she boldly proclaimed, "But Mommy, I do have Jesus in my heart. Don't you remember?"

I struggled through the rest of communion. As tears welled up in her little eyes, she desperately searched my face for confirmation that I believed her. The rest of the afternoon she reminded me of how much she loved Jesus. One specific comment she made shook me to my core. I asked her, "Elizabeth, how do you know Jesus is in your heart."

Her answer? "Because Mommy, I can feel Him."

Now, back to the present, or somewhat present. Just days before Elizabeth turned 4 she began telling me that she didn't want to grow up. She's said this a few times before but I've mostly just blown it off as being silly. However, this night in particular she kept on and on. I was putting her to bed (do you see a pattern of bedtime discussions here?) and she kept insisting that she did not want to grow up. I told her all of the things that big 4 year olds get to do that little 3 year olds don't get to do, but it didn't suffice her.

Finally, I asked her, "Elizabeth, why don't you want to grow up?"

"Because, I want to live with you and Daddy forever."

"Well, you can live with us as long as you want. Even when you're old." (I sorta had my fingers crossed here.)

Once again, the response of my 4 year old took my breath away.

"But Mom, what if God calls me to someplace else? What if he wants me to go somewhere and help other kids?"

Seriously? How do you reply to that? I just stood there, for what seemed like hours. Finally, I said, "Well, if God calls you someplace else honey, he'll prepare you're heart and it won't hurt quite so much."

After that conversation I walked into our bedroom and looked at Luke. We talked for a long time about whether we thought that Elizabeth had truly accepted Christ that night, almost a year ago, lying in her toddler bed. How could she understand it all? How could she believe? Then it hit us, we don't even get it. We don't nearly get it all. Who are we to decide if she's saved?

Psalm 139 is a favorite of mine for many, many reasons. The entire Psalm talks about the condition of the heart. As I read it and think of my precious girl, I see these verses in a new way:

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
verses 1 - 2

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. verses 23-24

Thank you Lord for already knowing the condition of her precious little heart. Search if fully Lord, so that she may be fully and completely consecrated to you.

PS-We have plans for her to talk about her salvation with someone outside of her family. It's less about us trusting her and more about getting to the true condition of her heart. I have many, many more thoughts about this, but I'll have to save those for a later post.

Speaking of Unspoken

Okay, so most of you know by now that I'm a "lay it all out there" kind of person. I don't have a lot of secrets and I'm not typically a private person. Basically, what you see is what you get with me. I've never been the person who requests prayer for the "unspoken" because, well, quite frankly I think that's annoying. If something is pressing enough for you to ask others for prayer I am sorta of the mindset that you should just fess up.

However, God is working on me. Over the last 2 or so years God has placed some things on my heart. He gently reminds me ever so often, and each time I'm brought to tears. So here I go, asking for prayer and also saying that I don't really wish to share much about it. Here's what I will say:

1. On Sunday, Micheal delivered another powerful sermon. There's something about your pastor speaking God's truth directly into your life in front of 500ish people. It's humbling and so amazing. Baby D got fussy so I excused myself about 3/4 of the way through. Before I left, God and I had a pretty interesting conversation. He'd let me listen to Michael for a bit, then chime in, adding His own twist. The part that surprised and moved me is that God delivered a promise then a calling.

2. I can tell you that both the promise and the calling are God sized and there is absolutely nothing I can do to make either of them happen. I'm excited to see how God is going to work this out.

3. I'm scared. I'm scared because the thing God has requested of me will put me FAR out of my comfort zone. I'm scared to breathe it (other than to Luke, of course) because what if I'm wrong. What if God didn't say that to me, and then I go blabbing it around and it never comes to pass? What if it's true and I have to be obedient?

So, pretty much, if God lays it on your heart just pray for our family. God is moving and spoke to me although I went for about 3 weeks in a dry spell, where I just lacked desire to read my Bible or spend any time with God...yes, it's true and I feel you deserve the truth. I'm humbled that He still choose to speak to me even when I ignored Him. I'm humbled that He would call me to this task. I'm in awe that He considers me His servant.

I know that I need to look for 2 more big signs before I can count this as God's plan. Step 1 has been done which is Confirmation by the Holy Spirit. I'm still praying and waiting for 2) Confirmation in Scripture and 3) Confirmation through Godly Counsel. If you feel led, pray with me. If not, that's okay too. If you have advice, I'll listen. If you're a non-believer and question how God speaks in these ways ask via the comment section or privately by emailing me at: beaverbunch (at) gmail (dot) com.

Thanks for reading my blog, it's humbling that other care enough to read my silly rantings. I'll leave you with Scripture that has been brought to me several times today:

No one can know a person’s thoughts except that person’s own spirit, and no one can know God’s thoughts except God’s own Spirit.
~ 1 Corinthians 2:11

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Here I am Lord. Make me a willing servant. Make my heart pure, so that I can receive your desires for my life outside of the desires of my sinful heart. I desire to serve You, I desire to serve. Amen.

Colic Update

We switched Baby D's formula on Friday and we are beginning to see some differences. He's not been nearly as fussy. Thanks for all of the awesome suggestions. I plan on having an in-depth discussion with the doctor on Thursday about further things we can do to alleviate his gassy discomfort.

I appreciate the prayers.

Colic

Dictionary.com defines colic as "A condition of unknown cause seen in infants less than three months old, marked by periods of inconsolable crying lasting for hours at a time for at least three weeks."

WebMD.com says it's "A healthy, well-fed infant who cries for more than three hours per day, for more than three days per week, for more than three weeks."

In our house, we define it as "Baby D from 6pm-12am."

A week ago, Tuesday, Baby D began his tirade of crying. It began at about 2:00pm and didn't stop until 8:30pm. Until that point, Baby D had been the easiest baby. In fact, he was so easy that it was almost like having a little babydoll. I could cuddle him when I felt like it, and if I was busy with the big kids I could put him on the floor beside me or in the swing and he'd be just as content. He only really became upset when he as hungry. Since Tuesday, July 29th our good-natured baby has been swapped for the colicky, preciousness of our new Baby D. The biggest difference?...A red face and ear piercing wails.

Seriously, Baby D has been sooooooooo fussy. During the day he usually only has 1 major spell. At night, however, it's another story. It usually begins anywhere from 6-7pm and can last up to 4 to 5 hours (he's not crying the ENTIRE time, we get 10-15 minute breaks before the next bought begins). Initially I called the doctor, worried that something was going on. They dismissed it as gas, especially since a bath almost always calms him down.

None of my other 3 were ever colicky, so this is a HUGE adjustment. It doesn't help that his "episodes" are during the most hectic part of our day: bath and bedtime. The big kids need our full attention and unfortunately one of us is almost always tied up with a screaming, trembling, red-faced baby.

We go to the doctor on Thursday and I plan on asking about a new type of formula, however, from everything I've read they'll probably just tell me to ride it out. They say it won't last longer than 3-4 months of age. What they don't realize is that this last 1 1/2 weeks has seemed like a month. It's so incredibly frustrating to watch Baby D in such pain and be unable to do ANYTHING to console him. Kisses, hugs, swaddling, gas meds, swinging, outside, walking, bouncing, singing, pacifiers, bottles...nothing helps. At some point we fall back on a nice warm bath, but at the end of it we're back to a screaming, ticked off baby.

As I bounce, rock, walk and snuggle Baby D during the most frustrating of times, God continues to bring James 1:2 to my mind:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,

The part that frustrates me the most is that I don't think the birth parents have the slightest clue about his colic. After each visit, I ask the social worker "So, how was it?" Each time they respond, "Great!" I keep waiting for one of them to say, "Oh he cried the entire visit. It's so unlike him."

Part of me wants him to cry the entire visit, just so they have a taste. Part of me wants him to cry so much that they hurry up and decide that they can't manage it and relinquish. Part of me wants him to be so horrible, that 20 minutes into the visit they ask the social worker to take him and leave. God has not answered that prayer yet. I guess He thinks He knows better than me...humf! In the meantime, I'll consider it pure joy...consider it joy.

Party Pics

When Elizabeth turned two, we started the tradition of having 2 parties for each of her birthdays. The first party is a friend party where friends bring donations to a charity. The second party is a family party. Our entire family gets together, grandparents, great-grandparents and immediate family, and we do the traditional birthday thing with opening presents. Below are some pictures from both parties. We had a fun weekend, filled with celebration of Elizabeth's 4 years in our family.

Ashlee and PawPaw inside the parachute

Elizabeth is a little OCD, it comes out and the funniest times


Elizabeth got to demonstrate each of the activities at the gym.
I think this was her favorite part of the party.

All in all there were 21 children. I was a little concerned that it would be too much, but these kids all have such awesome parents and they all were so well behaved. It was a blast!

On Sunday, Elizabeth's actual birthday, we had our family party at my Mom's house. My mom made the MOST AWESOME cake. I was so impressed, and Elizabeth LOVED it!

Yes, that's a real Barbie, and no, she didn't use a kit



Our first picture as a family of 6

"Happy Birthday to You"
Please pardon the horrible singing, clearly
our family isn't musically talented.

Understanding

Through this entire fostering process it has been so evident that God is with us. He has shown us time and time again that this is exactly where He wants us to be. Through criticism, frustration and outside opinions we've not waivered. Sure, I've doubted my abilities, but God hasn't given us an out, and until He does we're in this for a while.

Just one of the many ways that God confirmed for us that we're not totally crazy is by bringing the Hauts into our life. The Hauts also have 3 birth children. Their kids' ages are 5, 3 & 19 months. They have been married about 6ish years and I think they met in college. Sound familiar? Seriously, the only closer it could get is if they had twins too, then it would just be creepy. Anyway, Beth and I are so similar in a lot of ways. I think we're both pretty straight forward people, easy to talk to and laid back. When she approached me at our foster parent classes and struck up a conversation, I was THRILLED to learn that they had 3 kids already as well. Luke and Noah (her husband) hit is off as well and a friendship was formed.

Even though we haven't spent copious amounts of time together (although 30 hours of MAPP classes seemed like eternity), we have a bond with them. It's deeper than words can speak and I believe it is because of our mutual love for the Lord and our willingness to love on kids. I checked out Beth's adoption blog yesterday and below is what I found. I bolded the parts that hit home for me. Basically, it's like she stepped into my heart, took notes and posted it on her blog. Seriously.

Today marks Baby L being with us for one full month! This has been the longest and shortest month of my life. Long because the sleepless nights and bottles and laundry and cleaning (a constant battle) seem to go on and on and on. Short because I can't believe it will be September next month...(I omitted some since we don't go to a pool, if you want it all, check it out).

One month in and I can say I never expected the emotional impact to be as gut wrenching as it has been. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that this baby I love as my own, is not my own. I may have to let him go at some point. Just thinking about this makes me want to sob. The concept isn't foreign to me. This comes as no surprise. Fostering means a possibility of adoption. Fostering means a possibility of reunification with the birth family.

I suppose it may be easier once I see the birth parents. Right now, I don't have that tangible reality... we simply have been loving this baby for a month and have had very little contact with social services and no interaction with birth parents. It FEELS like he is OURS. I LONG for him to be OURS. I want his birth parents to simply realize he is better off with us, and sign away their rights. But this is doubtful to happen. They may drag this out, and try to get him back. It may be a year of grueling drama and heartache over each court date. I just don't know how this is going to end up.

The lack of control is frustrating (yes I love control). I am Mommy to this child. A son. MY son. I know him better than any other person on this planet. He has slept in my arms more than anyone else's. I have fed him more bottles, given him more kisses. His birth mom hasn't seen him in over a month. Does she care about him? Really? Does is bother her that he is being loved and adored by a different woman? That he doesn't know who she is, and she doesn't know what he likes to be comforted? That she doesn't even know what he looks like now, and if she saw us in a store, she wouldn't realize he was her son?

There are so many disturbing aspects to all of this. My heart is constantly at battle between trying to forgive and have compassion for this woman, as Christ would do... but in reality, I want her to disappear. I want her to be thrown in jail. I want her to truly understand her mistakes and be riddled with guilt. I want her to let go of her son because she suddenly sees it's the right thing to do... or maybe even the easiest thing to do. If she signed her rights away, there would be less work on her part. She could just keep on with her lifestyle. And even worse, I hope she fails. Quickly and obviously fails. So much so that the court terminates her rights swiftly. And I hope the father is too lazy to do what it takes to get his son back. I am horrible, huh?

But if they had a GOD altering change in their lives. If they came to know Christ and his healing. If they were completely redeemed and washed clean of their filthy lives. If the love for their son was true and their lives were forever changed for the better. Then I could see letting Baby L go back without nearly so much heartache. All things are possible with God. But if this is not the case, my prayer is for Baby L to stay with us. Either way, I pray his life will be an amazing testimony to God's graciousness and compassion.

If you have made it to this point in my diatribe, you have seen a small piece of my heart. It's not always pretty. It is often sinful and selfish. I am sure I will have more rants in the future. I am sure this process will only become more difficult as the love for Baby L grows daily. Please pray for us. Pray for God's will to be done, and pray that our hearts will accept His will, no matter what the circumstance. And pray that through it all, we will rejoice in His love and be obedient to His commands.

Baby L is just 3 days older than Baby D, once again..not coincidence. Although their stories are very different, the way that Beth speaks basically details how I feel. I don't feel as though I've been completely honest in my feelings on this blog. If you want to know my heart, if you want to know my stance, if you want to know exactly what my soul is screaming, read Beth's words again VERY slowly. I find it refreshing and challenging all at the same time. I am so incredibly blessed to call her my friend, and I praise God that He provided someone who knows EXACTLY what I'm going through.
Thank you Lord, thank you.

Happy Birthday Elizabeth!

Four years ago today we welcomed our little baby into the world. We were so happy to add sweet Elizabeth Grace into our family. From the first day, she has changed our lives. Each day we realize just how incredibly blessed we are by this precious little girl. She has been remarkable right from the start! She has always had the sweetest disposition and the most relaxed personality.Each time we reflect on the last 4 years, we smile and get misty eyed. From memories of our first family self portrait (which also became our first family Christmas card):


To her first bite of cereal:
Elizabeth has always been so special. She has a smile that warms your heart.


She's a child with focus, compassion and tons of personality.
When we found out we were having twins, we were concerned about how Elizabeth would adjust. True to her character, she became the best big sister on the planet, welcoming her siblings with open arms.


As she continued to grow, we could begin to see the heart God placed inside of her. The joy within broke through with each smile and laugh.

Elizabeth has a tenderness and compassion unlike anything I've ever seen in a child. She is so full of sympathy for others. At the same time, she is also so incredibly silly! She can make any situation hilarious simply by vocalizing her observations.
As Elizabeth begins to show her love for Christ, I am amazed at her understanding at just 4 years old. I pray that this love she feels never fades and becomes such an integral part of her life that following His desires are natural and easy.



My Sweet Princess,

You could not possibly know the love I have for you in my heart. Each day, you make me want to be a better mommy. Your gentle spirit and tender heart are so evident in your daily interactions with your friends and family. Your humor and wit are so amazingly unique. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for your precious life. What you may never know is how much you changed me. You made me realize that I cannot go at this life alone. I could not wander aimlessly any longer. With you growing in my womb I totally understood the need for a Savior. Because of you, I found Him. Thank you for the precious miracle you are to me. Thank you for always being you, curly hair, deep blue eyes, contagious laugh and love for life. Your heart is so true and pure and you already understand the sacrifices of Christ. My prayer for you is that God would use you in a mighty way. That you would see clearly His purposes and plans for your life and that you would embrace them with a spirit of ease, just as you have each and every new obstacle in your young life. I love you with so much of my heart that sometimes I feel as though I could burst. I love you precious princess, and Happy Birthday.

Hugs, Kisses and Snuggles,

Mommy