Sometimes, actions speak louder than words

Philippians is rich with practical, life-applicable truths. Four short chapters with numerous famed scriptures, so common that often casual church goers or even non-believers can loosely quote them.

To read the rest of this post that I wrote for our church's Summer Session, click here.

Fresh Eyes

I don’t typically love it when people use well read scriptures to make a point. Often, I just want to ask them if they know of any other scriptures to prove their point.

And, let me tell you this little secret, okay? Lean in real close.....

Sometimes, when I’m reading my Bible and I come to those familiar passages of scripture..............I skip over them.

*Gasp*

I know. Total sinner.

It’s true though. I have a tendency to want something new. Something shiny. Something profound. But, one of the things the Lord has revealed to me over the course of this summer reading session is that He alone can make familiar scripture new, fresh, shiny and profound.

If I give it a chance.

So when I got to 1 Corinthians 13 I was tempted to just skip ahead.

It’s read at nearly every wedding (or at least it was at mine) and I can loosely quote it without much effort.

But today, reading it was different. I realized, too often, I entertain my family, I tolerate my family, I even accommodate my family. But do I really treat my family with love? The love that is described in 1 Corinthians 13?

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.” - 1 Corinthians 13:1

Today, I didn’t speak in tongues (well, not the appropriate kind anyway) yet I told my children at least 5,783 times to (please for the love of God) speak nicely to one another, while I was doing the exact opposite.

Clang. Gong. Call me a cymbal.

“And if I give away all that I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing” - 1 Corinthians 13:3

Yesterday I thought, “All I do is work, work, work, work, work for these kids. Fix their food, get a snack, pour a drink, change a diaper, wipe a nose. And they don’t appreciate me one bit! Maybe I should just sit on my duff all day and then they’ll see how much I do for them!”

Here I am. Nothing gained. And I can guarantee you my children picked up on my lack of love.

“Love is patient, love is kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

This week, I’ve certainly been impatient. “I’ve told you too many times. STOP YELLING!”

More than a few times I’ve been less than kind. “Why can’t you just focus on what I’m telling you?”

I’ve been envious of the seemingly easy life someone else has.

I’ve been rude. “Why are there perfectly clean clothes in the dirty clothes bin? Do you enjoy making me do more laundry?”

I’ve insisted on my own way. “Please just stop doing that and get over here and put on your pajamas. I can see your Thomas train. I’ve seen it before. Please, hurry up!”

Irritable? Me? “Your behavior is totally getting on my nerves, kid. Totally.” Maybe just a touch.

How could a mother possibly rejoice in wrongdoing? “I’ve told you not to stand in that chair. When you fall off, it’s going to hurt and I’m not going to feel sorry for you because I’ve told you to get down several times already.”

The rest of 1 Corinthians Chapter 13 promises us that prophecies, knowledge, tongues and the partial will all pass away one day.

But love? It NEVER ends.

God’s love never ends. It never ceases to be poured upon me. Even when I’m rude, impatient, hurtful, insistent, envious and boastful.

Never ending love poured upon me while I’ve shown very limited love to the people I love the most. Oh Jesus, how unworthy I am of You! How your word refines me when I allow myself to delight in it!

And to think, I would have totally missed this had I just skipped over those familiar verses.

I pray the Lord gives each of us fresh eyes as we encounter Him on the pages of Truth.

Arm Yourself

**I wrote this post for the Summer Session blog our church is hosting this summer. Are you reading along with us? If so, how's it going? I pray you're getting depth and richness from God's word as you read through the New Testament with us over the summer! I'd love to hear from you!**

Satan is the author of lies. John chapter 8 tells us that he is the father of lies. So why should we expect any less from him than distortion, abuse and misuse of the truth?

Isn’t that how the enemy works, his very nature? He takes what we know to be true, noble and good and twists it just enough so that it distorts what God intended. He did that with Eve in the garden when he asked her, “Did God actually say, ‘You must not eat of any tree of the garden”?’ (Genesis 3:1) Of course that’s not what God said, but the enemy twisted the truth just enough so that Eve began slipping down the slippery slope of half truths.

So when I read Luke Chapter 4 and of Jesus’ temptation, God opened my eyes to see that often when the enemy attacks, he uses half and partial truths to twist the the beauty of God’s protective and loving nature.

In verses 1 - 12 of Chapter 4 we see the enemy take the Scriptures and use them clearly out of context to tempt Christ and submit to Him that the character of God isn’t quite what the Scriptures portray. In verse 9, Satan takes Jesus up to Jerusalem and sets him on the pinnacle of the temple. Satan taunts Jesus, scoffing that if He really is the Son of God, flinging himself off of the ledge is acceptable because God will command the angels to guard Him.

He takes the intention of the Scriptures (Psalm 91:11-12) and distorts it just enough that it seems plausible. Surely God wouldn’t allow His only Son, the Savior of the world, to die just from jumping off a ledge? Right?

Jesus retorts with an accurate use of Scripture and it silences the enemy, at least for that moment.

But do you want to know what the scariest part of this passage of scripture is for me? The fact that Satan knows more scripture than I do.

I learned so much from the 10 days I spent in Guinea-Bissau, West Africa in April of this year. But the overarching theme that I believe the Lord wanted to show me is that the enemy is powerful. As Americans, we are so quick to claim the power of God. We are quick to claim that God is still the God of the Bible, He can still perform miracles, He can still heal the sick and wounded. He’s still all powerful. Those statements are undoubtably true.

But you know what else? Satan is still the enemy of the Bible. He’s still sneaky and deceptive. He still whispers lies to God’s people. He has power over the demons and all things evil.

The thing I was convicted of most in this passage of Scripture is this: What am I actively doing to contrast the power of the enemy in my life?

Quiet time, reading and studying the Scriptures is crucial. Prayer is essential. But an important aspect that many Christians, myself included, tend to gloss over is Scripture memorization.

If our very enemy knows the Scriptures and is prepared to twist them like jagged arrows then launch them at us in his attacks, how can we defend ourselves unless we know the REAL truth of the Scriptures?

As I laid in a dark hut in Guinea-Bissau, feeling the presence of the enemy like never before in my life, feeling overwhelmed with the power of darkness, the Lord quickly brought previously memorized Scripture to my mind.

As the enemy whispered to me, “I’ve got you. There’s nothing your God can do now. You’re here all alone. Be afraid. I will win.” the Lord instantly reminded me that Satan was whispering to me half truths. And God brought His word from the recesses of my heart to confirm Himself. Resist him, Jessica. Stand firm in your faith. I will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you. I have the glory and the dominion forever. (1 Peter 5:6-11)

Are you actively storing up God’s word in your heart? If not, how else can you or I expect to fight the enemy when he begins his language of lies? The Word is our only offensive tool.

Arm yourself.

Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.

- 1 Peter 4:19

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The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

- Proverbs 16:9

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But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

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Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

-Romans 12:9-21

Time To Embrace

My step-mom was a wonderful woman. She loved big, laughed often and fought fiercely for the things she believed in. She treated me like her own flesh and blood and loved me beyond what I will probably ever comprehend.

She taught me how to be myself and be comfortable with what I was created to be. She showed me that life isn't as serious as most people take it and if you learn to roll with the punches you'll laugh more often than you'll cry. She told me that standing up for the people you love and the things you live for is never a mistake. She raised my sister to be independent, loyal and poised. She loved people regardless of their situations, appearance and life experiences. She believed in a risen Savior who conquered the grave.

This past week, although I began missing her terribly, I realized that she is indeed experiencing something that I long for...Heaven. Knowing that she is there makes it hard for me to grieve the loss of her earthly life. Instead, I mourn for my sister and my dad. I watched my sister learn what life looks like without her mother. I sat across from her as she learned to breathe, walk and function in a strange new world where she is now thrust into a life she never desired. I saw a 16 year old who is more poised than I may ever be. I sat and just existed because I was unsure of what to say since I've been less-than-present in the last 11 years. I mean, after all, I barely know this teenager sitting in front me, struggling to make sense of a God that is allowing this to happen. The only bond we have is our blood and that of the risen King and I pray that it will be enough to ignite a relationship that spans the rest of our lives.

I longed for my dad to have one more moment with his wife. I stood in the parlor of a funeral home and watched 4 grown men surround my dad with their arms and mourn with him. These 4 men are long time friends that are closer to him that most of his family. I heard my dad cry out in pain over the loss of his wife and the mother of his daughter. That is a pain that I cannot imagine enduring. And even though my relationship with my dad has been strained for many years he is still my Daddy and it broke me to see him hurting.

Why is it that we never stop and realize exactly what is in front of us until it's too late? Sure, I'm grateful and I feel blessed for my children, my husband and my home. My family is remarkable and I am blessed beyond understanding in so many ways. But, never again on this side of heaven can I tell my step-mom just how much I love her. Never again will I be able to wrap my earthly arms around her and tell her thank you for raising me like her own daughter, even though she didn't have to. She will never see the faces of her grandchildren again, the ones she currently has or the ones yet to come.

As the understanding of all that my family has lost washes over me throughout my day I understand that there really is a time for everything just as Ecclesiastes says,

For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Now is the time that I rejoice over the life of my step-mom. I rejoice in knowing that she is worshiping God and seeing Him face to face, experiencing a joy unlike any I can fathom. This is a time where I reflect on all the lessons and love that she passed onto me. A time where I search out what I my role is in the life of my sister and my dad. A time where I seek the Lord like never before and allow his comfort and peace to surpass all of my understanding. But, it shouldn't take a time like this. Instead, my heart should be earnestly seeking Him all of my days, in each of these ways, like never before simply because of love.

One Year Later

One year ago today, we met our second son. The journey from then to now has been filled with many tears, smiles, diapers, laughs and memories. And just as He knew then, God still knows the plans He has for our sweet boy. In fact, true to His goodness we received some exciting news from the social worker just this morning. I hope to share it with everyone soon. God is so good, truly He is!

You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!
Psalm 139:5-6


I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
Psalm 130:5

Faith Like A Child

Last night, after a fun filled evening of missions updates, Luke, Elizabeth and I went to go grab a late dinner together.

As we sat there, we began talking about God and what He does for us. We praised Elizabeth for showing her younger siblings love. We told her it made God happy that she loved them so much. We also told her how proud we were of her for loving Aaron and Baby Girl just as much as Lucas and Ashlee. We told her that it was so special that she loved them just the same, even though they did not come from my tummy.

Then, Elizabeth said that she wanted to pray and ask God if Baby Girl could also stay with us forever, just like Aaron is. We said that we thought that was an excellent idea. Then, we heard some serious theology, eloquently spoken by our 4.5 year old, blue eyed, curly headed daughter. She said,

"You know what though. When you pray to God, He always answers you. Sometimes He says 'Yes' and sometimes He says, 'I'm still working on that, so not right now,' and sometimes He just says 'No.'"

Luke and I looked at each other, dumbfounded, trying to figure out which of us had told her that. Luke looks at her and says, "Who told you that?"

We expected her usual answer of "I just knowed."

Instead, she replies, "I learned it at church, from my Sunday School teachers."

The power of a body of believers, reinforcing what we are talking about at home, has cultivated within our 4.5 year old daughter a greater understanding than most adults can comprehend. Faith like a child. Love like a servant. I pray that I can love Him like she does.

Love, Without Condition

Our week in the mountains was one filled with relaxation, remembering why I fell in love with Luke (that very first time) and rest. However, there was one predominant theme throughout the entire trip. I remembered why I fell in love with my God (that very first time) all over again.

I remember the first time I truly understood that I was important to the Creator of the universe. I can't tell you where I was, or what I was doing, but I remember the humbling, earth shattering feeling. I realized that this God, the One that made the heavens, stars, earth and everything within it loved me, with abandon.

He chose to love me, before I was ever lovable, and sacrificed more than I will ever comprehend just so I can spend eternity with Him. Just typing those words makes tears well up in my eyes. He cares so much about me. This week I was reminded of that time and time and time again.

During my quiet time one morning, He made sure I understood just how much. I was flipping back through a notebook that I keep that is partially full of notes from sermons and Bible studies. I found some notes from Romans Chapter 8:31-39. It grabbed my heart, once more. Since I stink at journaling (hence one of the purposes of this blog) I did not date this original "journal" entry. My guess, from other notes and such, is that I originally wrote it around Thanksgiving of this past year. Here is what I wrote (Edited only with brackets so that you can follow my jumbled mess. It's a little all over the place):

Although I am so full of sin, this sin that makes me feel as if I'm unworthy to even approach the Throne [of God] and ask for forgiveness~I know that since I have the spirit within me - there is nothing that I can't humble myself before God and make right. There is nothing I can do or have done to deserve it anyway [God's forgiveness], so I should approach, repent and be cleansed. Because God gave his Son, why wouldn't I think that there is anything else He would spare to give me all I need (v 32).

(v33) God himself gave me the right standing with him. Although I feel so far from Him right now, I am told that nothing, nothing can separate me from His love (v 38-39).

As I stood in awe of the beauty of untouched nature this past week, God reminded me again, just how much He cares for me. Tiny, inconsequential, speck of the universe...ME

I watched water rush over rocks and sticks and dirt. I saw that each rock, both great and small, was perfectly placed so as the water rushed over it, true beauty was shown. I saw tiny buds of life beginning to form on frozen limbs. I witnessed the peace of a roaring stream and I allowed my soul to get lost in the majesty of a forest.

You see, this same God who so carefully placed each rock, drop of water, tree and branch, He also, with the same care, placed me here and crafted me with even more delicacy. His love for me poured out so richly, so that I too can reflect His majestic glory. As I soaked in all of The Maker's craft, I was reminded of Matthew 6:26.

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

Yes, He cares for me so much. And if He took this much time to carefully design and create the beauty of nature, how much more must He love me? The answer was breathtaking. Each rock and stream so meticulously placed for our pleasure. His love is so abundant and I am so humbled.

And, the most surprising part yet?

He loves you, and me, just the same, whether we choose Him or not. His love is not conditional. He is beckoning us to love Him, to the best of our sinful ability, so that He can reveal Himself to us piece by piece, drop by drop and moment by moment.

In the peace of the woods, I thought about this post. I thought about the words I would say, hoping to convey the love that I saw, so elaborately displayed for all to see. And, I prayed. I prayed for each of you, reading this, that you would be touched to your core. That you would taste and see for yourself. That you would realize, if you haven't ever before (or maybe realize all over again, as I did) just how much He loves you and that He is beckoning you to come and feel the power of a love, without condition.

Questions Attempted: Redeemed By Grace

My attempt at answers are from questions left in the comment section of this post.

I sorta felt like these next questions go hand in hand so I'll attempt them together, yet separately. Also, I am going to try not to use "Churchy" words because before I was a follower of Jesus, those words were a HUGE turn-off. Let me know how I do with that, mmkay?

Once again, please remember:

1. The thought of answering questions and defending my faith makes me nauseous. Not because I do not believe, but because I am afraid of misrepresenting the One who is perfect and blameless.

2. I am not a theologian. I have never studied Greek or Hebrew and I have not attended seminary of any kind (I knew you all were wondering). This is the BEST that I can do with the limited knowledge (and jumbled Mom brain) that God has given me.

3. If I don't answer your questions it's because, well, I DON'T KNOW.

4. I do not claim to represent any specific denomination or church "sect." What I can tell you is that I am a believer in Jesus Christ, that He is indeed the Messiah and that His blood has the power to wash away all sin no matter how great or small. I've seen it in my own life.

5. Please, I'm begging you, remember that I've only been a Christian for 5ish years. I'm still just a baby. If you see an error in something I have said, please feel free to comment and correct me. However, please also back it up with Scripture. I will also use Scripture to emphasize my points.

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First up:

Courtney, in an effort to save a little space, I'm going to paraphrase your question. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

The general gist of your question was:
There are a lot of good people in the world. My experience with "churchgoers" and "Christians" is that some of these people do not fall into my category of "good." So, how can Christians say they are getting into heaven but claim that other, basically good people (who are not self-identified as Christians), are not? (Okay, maybe I didn't shorten your question.)

I SO struggled with this in the past. And now, knowing what I know, I still struggle (if not even more) with this, just in a whole new way. But, I must remember that the Bible is 100% the word of God and so it is there that I find my answers.

The book of Romans is amazing at outlining what it takes to get to Heaven. Anyone who gets bogged down with the speech of the Bible might try The Message version (it has helped me to understand parts of the Bible that I might have otherwise never understood).

Romans is written by a man named Paul (who used to be Saul...gotta love the name changes). When Paul was still called Saul, he hated Christians. He often witnessed and helped lead them to their deaths. However, he had an extreme encounter with the Son of God and from that day forward, he believed in Jesus as the Savior.

The book of Acts was written by a man named Luke. Luke was a doctor that traveled with Paul, recording the things that he saw along the way. I love Acts Chapter 15 because it so clearly talks about salvation and what must be done for it to be obtained.

Basically, Paul and another man named Barnabas come upon some people teaching Gentiles (non Jewish people) that they must be circumcised before they can be saved. Also, these other teachers were trying to convince the crowds that in order to retain their salvation they had to obey the Jewish (Mosaic) Laws. Paul and Barnabas believed differently, so the church decided to send them to the council in Jerusalem to ask the apostles (the disciples of Jesus...the 12 men who were his closest confidants) and elders about obeying the law and circumcision as it pertained to Gentiles.

(You still with me? I'm getting somewhere, I promise.)

Okay, so Paul and Barnabas arrive at the council and someone stands up and says, "The Gentiles must be circumcised and required to obey the law of Moses." (verse 5) Then Peter, who is like the leader of the disciples - now that Jesus has ascended into heaven - addresses the group saying the following:

"God, who knows the heart, showed that he accepted them [Gentiles] by giving the Holy Spirit to them, just as he did to us. He made no distinction between us and them, for he purified their hearts by faith." (Acts 15:8-9)

So that's it! Faith. Faith that Jesus is the Savior, and trust in Him. Here's how that ties back to Courtney's question...

Good people exist, but I think we would all agree that NO ONE is perfect...no matter how "good" they might be. However, true salvation is not dependent on how strictly we follow a law or how "good" we are in the world's eyes. True salvation comes ONLY through belief in Jesus Christ as the Son of God. Again, I SO struggled with this when I first became a Christian. I knew (and still do know) so many "good" people. It made me sad to think that because they had not confessed Jesus as their Savior that they would not be in Heaven with me one day.

However, here is the flip side of that. I am a generally "good" person. Yet, I'm not good enough. God is a just God. He requires purity and blamelessness and holiness before we can ever even be in His presence (this is also something I used to have issue with...before I was a Christian...but that's another post entirely).

I can NEVER be good enough to be in God's presence, no matter how many "good" works I do, or how many other people think I'm "good." I'm still prideful and bitter and jealous and just down right sinful. So, what's the solution? Jesus. Jesus lived a perfect life, a life without sin. Because He did, and He chose to die for all people, we all have "pass" if you will. He took the blame for all sin, so that God could remain a just God, yet we can be allowed in His presence one day.

If you ask me, I'm sorta glad I don't have to work to EARN my way into Heaven. Whew...I'd never be good enough.

Which leads me to....

Kristin's, and GK's and Chasity's questions about suicide.

Suicide is a sin. Afterall, one of the Ten Commandments is "You Shall Not Murder." And, killing of oneself is, certainly, murder.

However, if we are going to keep with the Ten Commandments theme, let's keep looking. Some others on that list include, in no such order: (and I'll say "check" if I've done them)

Adultery (check): later in scripture it talks about lusting after someone other than your spouse and that such lust is considered adultery. Yep, done that.

Steal (check): Seriously. If you haven't ever stolen anything, you're a liar.

Honor your Father and Mother (check): Or rather, I HAVEN'T always honored them...and most of the time, I still fail to do this.

Misuse God's Name (check): I think we are all clear on this one, I don't need to elaborate.

No Other God's Before God (check): I've certainly put some things before my relationship with God.

Don't Give False Testimony - aka..don't LIE - (check): and refer to stealing if you think you don't lie...and yes, little white lies count.

Don't Covet (check): Once, when I was in middle school, I wanted this girl's Kriss Kross tape so bad I stole it. Double whammy....stealing AND coveting.

Now, I'm not trying to make light of the 10 Commandements or suicide, but I think if we reflect on what we know about God and what we know about sin, the answer is clear.

We are saved by grace, through faith in the Savior (Ephesians 2:8-9). If a person truly believes in Jesus Christ, has proclaimed his/her faith and has a transformed heart, then NO SIN is going to separate them from God's love and mercy.

If suicide means, for a Christian, immediate death and eternity in hell, then you are going back to "faith by works" (see my reply to Courtney above) rather than "faith by grace."

Again, if you see an error, please feel free to comment, but also use scripture to prove your points.

I pray that you will see my attempts at answers for what they are, a simple lover of the Lord, trying her best to show others how wonderful HE really is.

Please, find out answers for yourself. If you don't have a Bible, and you'd like one, please email me at beaverbunch (at) gmail (dot) com and I will mail you one. Also, don't forget about Bible Gateway.com.

Many, many blessings...

Questions Attempted: Church, Prayers and People

Wowzers. I figured that there might be some tough questions, but man, those were REALLY tough. Before I try to answer any questions, let me say a few things.

1. The thought of answering questions and defending my faith makes me nauseous. Not because I do not believe, but because I am afraid of misrepresenting the One who is perfect and blameless.

2. I am not a theologian. I have never studied Greek or Hebrew and I have not attended seminary of any kind (I knew you all were wondering). This is the BEST that I can do with the limited knowledge (and jumbled Mom brain) that God has given me.

3. If I don't answer your questions it's because, well, I DON'T KNOW.

4. I do not claim to represent any specific denomination. All I can tell you is that I am a believer in Jesus Christ, that He is indeed the Messiah and that His blood has the power to wash away all sin no matter how great or small. I've seen it in my own life.

5. Please, I'm begging you, remember that I've only been a Christian for 5ish years. I'm still just a baby. If you see an error in something I have said, please feel free to comment and correct me. However, please also back it up with Scripture. I will also use Scripture to emphasize my points.

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Since there were several questions, I will take a few posts to answer them. But here's a start:

@ Anonymous 9:23AM: Let me address your second question first, because I think that is easier for me.

The question was:
Why do people use a prayer to be "saved" when no one in the bible did?

You are right! In the Bible, there is not a specific prayer that "saves" you. There is only one Man and his name is Jesus.

But, here is where I think the idea of a prayer came from. Matthew 10:9-10 says,

That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

Notice that according to this passage it takes BOTH actions, the belief in your heart and the confession with your mouth. This is why I was so excited when Elizabeth proclaimed her faith to us and our church members.

My prayer is that every person begins a relationship with the Lord and grows to know him intimately, deeply and on an incredibly personal level. It wasn't until I was 2 years into my relationship with the Lord that I understood what it meant to know Him intimately and, quite honestly, I'm still learning.

As far as the term "saved," not only is it referenced in the above passage, but I actually saw this in scripture as I studied yesterday. Luke 9:23-24 says,

Then he [Jesus] said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it."

While this passage does not reference saying a specific prayer, it does say that a person is "saved" when they give up their life for the Savior. This is not necessarily in the literal sense (but yes, it can mean death) but rather a giving up on their former way of living. If there is not a transformation in the way a believer lives his/her life, has that person really given up their life? I think not.

Just FYI - Mark 8:34-35 says the same thing, and Matthew 16:24-25 is basically the same, but doesn't use the exact word "saved."

Okay, Anonymous @ 9:23Am, to your first question:

The question was:
How can people look at the "church" today, and say it is accomplishing the same goals as the church of the bible?

I am not terribly knowledgeable in the ways and practices of the Early Church. However, my understanding is that their desperate desire was for ALL people to know Jesus as Lord. The first followers faced incredible persecution, often resulting in death. However, they pressed on, telling everyone they saw about Jesus and the miracle of His birth, death and resurrection.

I find that, as a general rule, most churches are still doing this exact thing.

I would be curious to know more about your experiences with "church." Just like every group of people, they have their faults. Romans 3:9-12 says this about all people, that includes the "church,"

What shall we conclude then? Are we any better? Not at all! We have already made the charge that Jews and Gentiles alike are all under sin. As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one."

The church that my family attends is wonderful. It is rather large for our area and does a lot to help in the community and to grow its members. However, it has one major flaw...it's made up of PEOPLE. Anytime you get a group of PEOPLE together you encounter sinners, and selfishness and imperfections and drama and...well, you get the idea.

However, the thing that comes to mind when I think about a bunch of folks, gathered together, working toward a common goal, (in this case telling people about Jesus), is this:

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.
~ Colossians 3:12-14

Wow. Sorta puts it all in perspective huh? Just as I am forgiven, I need to also forgive. I know that I want to be loved, in spite of my many, many, many flaws. Likewise I need to love people even though they have flaws.

Afterall, it just says I have to LOVE them, it doesn't say I have to be BFFs with everyone. I looked my whole Bible over and no where did I find a book of Claire's saying, "Thou shalt share BFF bracelets and/or necklaces with all-eth of the congregation."
And praise the Lord for that. I'm sure I'd probably drive some folks crazy if they had to be my BFF. Just ask my BFF, she puts up with a lot.

But seriously, (although I was serious with that last bit) as I continue to seek and find answers about your questions, I encourage you to do the same. Seek and find for yourself. Looking up scripture to back what I believe has been incredibly rewarding and taught me even more about this glorious God I serve.

For that, I thank you.

PS - If you don't have a Bible, you can 1) email me and I'll send you one and/or 2) check out Bible Gateway.com. It has a ton of awesome resources. If you've never read the Bible, a good place to start is with the book of James.

2008

I'm feeling much better today. Luke took the kids all day yesterday and I slept, took pain pills and slept some more. Today, I've been pain pill free since 5:30am. Man, those things made me CRAZY!

Anyway, laying in the bed for 1.5 days gave me a lot of time to think (and become pretty smelly and have some weirdy-fied dreams...but that's another post entirely).

I thought back over the last year, what I could remember hyped up on pain pills, and remembered all of the grace and mercy that my Lord has shown us this year. It's been an interesting year to say the least. One filled with some pretty big steps of faith, some obvious acts of obedience and more blessings than my foggy mind can count.

I think back to what my 3 oldest "babies" looked and acted like in January of 08. To be honest, I had to look up some pictures on my computer. Here's what I found.

It made me cry.

"Serious, funny and WHAT?!?"
Elizabeth - 3.5 years, Lucas and Ashlee 20ish months

Baby Face Lucas
about 20 months old

Ashlee's self inked Chinese tattoo
about 20 months

Then, I think about the clear calling that led us to becoming foster parents. As we took the classes, we made good friends along the way and God confirmed that we were going in the right direction. The blessings just kept piling up.

Then, we got the call for Baby D. It was scary and emotional and completely, 100% right. We knew that it was God's perfect plan being unfolded before our very eyes.

Then, just as we began adjusting to life to with 4 kids, God spoke once more and we accepted Baby Girl into our home. From the outside looking in, this year must have painted us as the picture of crazy people. Honestly, at times, I wondered if we really were crazy. However, through it all, through all the laughter, tears, arguments, frustration, sleep-deprivation, fun, spit up and poop, God has proven Himself faithful.

When I've thought there were days when I just couldn't go on, God has carried me. When I've wanted to bite someone's head off, but supernaturally held my tongue, God was there. When I've slipped, fallen and wallowed in my sin, God picked me up, cleaned me off and set me straight.

I praise Him for being new every morning and not just once a year.

Happy New Year to you all and may you see God's blessings upon you each and every day as you earnestly seek His desires for your life.

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

~Lamentations 3:22-25

If I Can Remember Movie Lines...

Scripture memory has always been something I've known I needed to do, but I've struggled to commit to doing, OR I've just tried and failed miserably. However, lately, God has been placing me in situations and bringing scripture to mind. Unfortunately, I am unable to reference the scripture to which I am referring. Sorta makes my credibility look shady.

Therefore, I'm taking the challenge from this blog and committing to memorizing Psalm 139 in its entirety.

Technically, we were suppose to start yesterday, but I figured I'd post it here and see if any of you would like to join me. I certainly need the accountability.

So....if you want to take part, do so. Read Angie Smith's blog for details and don't worry, every 3 days there is a "Catch Up/Review" day so really, it's not too late to start!

Hope you'll join me, and we can badger...er, I mean, spur each other onto memorizing stuff that really matters. If I can remember pointless movie lines, surely I can do this.

A Lesson In Solar Energy

I sat on my porch last night in the bitter cold, in the silence, wondering why I felt so yucky. I sat there, wanting to talk to God but not really knowing what to say. I had a million thoughts yet no real thoughts swirling around in my mind. Finally, one thought came into my mind and stuck,

"Why wasn't I a light? That whole week, why wasn't I a light?"

When we moved into this house the one thing that bugged us was how dark the front walk way became at night. For Christmas last year, my grandmother bought Luke some solar powered lights to line our sidewalk (she is oh-so thoughtful...and practical). As I sat there last night I noticed one single light that was still lit. As I watched it fade, I noticed that none of the other solar lights were on. It was late and had been hours since the sun had set. I wondered why that ONE was still burning. Then God told me.

That ONE had spent the most time in the sun.

I had my answer. With no time in the Son, I cannot be a light. I thought about the weeks that led up to our vacation and even the week of. I had spent little to no time in the Son. Is it really that simple? Yes, it is.

Tonight, I went back out onto our porch. None of the lights were shining. It had rained all day today. No time in the sun = no light. Just when our walkway needed it most, on a cold, wet night, those lights were useless because they hadn't spent any time being recharged.

Again, I heard God say; You can be the vessel, equipped to carry the light, but without time in the Son, you will only sit in darkness.

I came in and opened my journal. I had left off at Romans Chapter 8. I began to read and just as He always does, God showed me the answers as to why I felt so yucky, so sinful and so unworthy of His forgiveness.

Paul (the guy who wrote Romans) said basically (this is my own version) that I am continually fighting a battle between my own sinful nature and the God-placed spirit that lives within me. There is NOTHING I can do to deserve to approach the Lord and ask for forgiveness, nothing. However, God chose to forgive me long before my sins ever even came to pass. He did that in the form of His Son, Jesus. If God was willing to sacrifice His only Son for my sins, why was I sitting here, wallowing in my yuck? I'm not worthy to approach Him but He is willing to and ready to forgive.

God himself gave me right standing with Him, it wasn't anything I did. Although I feel so far from Him right now, I am told that nothing, NOTHING can separate me from His love (Chapter 8 v. 31-39). So what was I waiting for? I begged God to forgive me for being so self-righteous and for wallowing in my yuck.

When I looked back at my Bible, I saw Romans Chapter 7. True to His comical nature, I began to read EXACTLY what I have been struggling with. I mean really...if Paul, the author of several books of the Bible felt this way, clearly I'm not THAT abnormal (at least in this regard). Paul says,

"I know that I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it.

It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law (here he is speaking of the commandments God gave Moses..I think) with all of my heart. But there is another law at work withing me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."

~ Romans 7:18-25 (emphasis mine)

Those sinful desires that captivated me during my vacation? Oh! They are right here too..right in my own home where I've built my bubble. They are with me at Wal-mart, when I change diapers, when I'm angry at my kids and when I snap at my husband. They are always there.

You see, I am just like those pesky solar lights. The amount of light I produce is directly related to the amount of time I spend in the Son. In the days leading up to or vacation, my Son time was non-existent. Accompany that with the emotion and trials that presented themselves while we were gone and I was not equipped to shine, much less fight.

Please do not read this as a cop out. I'm not excusing myself or saying that it's okay. But like a very WISE 11th grader recently reminded me, guilt is not of God. This guilt I've been carrying around isn't from Him. It's whispers of lies from the enemy. So, my plan now is to soak up the Son in a way I've never done before. I will pray for endurance because that smelly old sinful nature will find ways to hold me back.

Hopefully, the next time you see me I will be shining brightly....maybe even Son burnt.

If It's Pressed On Your Heart...

I know I use the term a lot "If It's Pressed On Your Heart," specifically when requesting prayer. My reason for that is because I know that as believers we have a lot that we see in our world that we need to pray over.

However, several years ago I was heavily convicted about telling folks I'd pray for them, and then never doing it. Therefore, I choose two responses now when people ask for me to pray for them.

My favorite (which sometimes takes A LOT of prompting by the Spirit) is to stop RIGHT THEN and pray with that person over the issue that they are requesting prayer. I feel that if it's important enough for them to ask, then they could surely use the prayer right then.

The next option is to tell them that I will pray about it "If the Spirit presses it on my heart." Now, I don't want that to sound cold or distant. However, like I said earlier, as believers, if our eyes are truly open to the world around us, we are bombarded with things/people/events/circumstances that we need to be in prayer over. Just as our amazing God gives us various talents and abilities, I also feel that He softens our hearts toward specific things as well.

For example, my heart is incredibly touched by the story of the Lawrensons. I think about them daily, and I pray for them often. I've never met them, yet I feel burdened to pray for them. Someone else may not. I believe that God uses these burdens on our hearts so that all peoples can be touched in our prayer lives.

With all of that said, I have some things I would like for you to pray over, if it's pressed on your heart. If you'd like to pray over these things/people/circumstances now, please leave a comment. I know that these prayers will not go unanswered, as long as we are praying for God's desires and His perfect plan to persevere.

1. The Lawrensons that I mentioned above. Long, long story short, almost a year ago Tricia went to Duke for a double lung transplant due to the deterioration of her lungs because of Cystic Fibrosis. The transplant was successful, and just weeks prior she delivered a pre-mature baby girl who is healthy and thriving. However, Tricia has now developed lymphoma and the chemo is not working. This family needs ANOTHER miracle.

2. Chris and Lindy Thompson. They are dear friends of mine who are returning today from Africa where they are FULL TIME missionaries. I'm not sure how long they will be back in the US, but please pray that their mission work will continue to thrive in their absence and that they will adjust to time differences, culture differences and thoroughly enjoy their time with friends and family.

3. The Hauts. They are also foster parents that we met in our fostering class. They are fostering a baby just 3 days older than Baby D. Today they were told that their baby's plan is being changed to Termination of Parental Rights. While this is a huge praise for them, it also comes with it's share of frustrations as it will be many, many months until the adoption is final. Please pray that they will find joy in the process, perseverance and peace.

Once more, if you feel led to pray now please leave a comment telling so. If you do not, that's okay too. However, realize that if you think of them over the next few days that it IS the Holy Spirit pressing them on your heart and they could use prayer AT THAT MOMENT.

Prayer doesn't have to be formal, it doesn't have to be stiff and rigid. However, it must be sincere. God knows the intentions of your heart and listening to His callings and understanding His promptings will bring you so much closer into a love relationship with Him. One like you have never dreamed or imagined.

The Slow Fade

I hope you all are ready for this. I am about to probably blow any pre-conceived ideas you have of me right out of the water. I'm gonna have some serious confessional time and I hope you all will see that the comments you've made about me being "strong" or "wonderful" or "amazing" are not what you may think.

Everything in me that is good is from God and His power working through me. Let me prove it to you.

Today, I'm pretty ticked at my husband. Actually, it started last night. In truth, he hasn't done anything wrong. I've simply picked out something, twisted in my mind to be totally out of context, not explained my feelings to him, and yet I've expected him to read my not-so-wonderful body language and completely decode the thoughts in my head.

Yes, quite unfair.

Luke is doing a paper route for a friend. That means he must go to bed insanely early (like 9:00pm) and wake up at 2:00am. He runs the route from 2:00ish until about 4:00am. This isn't bad, is it?

However, in my mind, it goes like this:

I CANNOT BELIEVE he is doing that paper route. Doesn't he see that I've had a cold for 4 days and I'm exhausted?!? If he'd like to be awake from 2-6am, I can give him something to do. He can take care of this baby and let me sleep!!

In reality, I have the most remarkable husband on the planet. He, so graciously, agrees to take the shift of feeding, holding and changing from 4am until he leaves for work at 7:30am so that I can sleep. When he gets home from work, he IMMEDIATELY changes from his tie into clothes that can handle the kids. He dives right in feeding, bathing, playing and changing and never complains. I don't think I know just how good I have it.

However, in my mind, it goes like this:

Oh great! He just got home and he disappears into the bathroom for 30 minutes! Doesn't he see I'm trying to get dinner ready? Wait! Did he just give a sigh of being tired? Oh, I'll show him tired!

Yes, I know, even as I type it I realize how stupid it sounds. The frustration does not end with my husband. My children have also seen the brunt of it today, specifically this morning.

Luke started the kids on their breakfast this morning before he left. I come into the kitchen, still half asleep (but still grumpy). I'm greeting by squeals that normally melt my heart, but this morning, they just ticked me off.

After Luke leaves, chaos begins. First, Baby Girl needs ANOTHER bottle. Luke just fed her 2 hours ago, what's her problem? (That's a joke, she still eats every two hours.) While feeding her, Baby D decides he wants to get hungry as well.

What I forgot to tell you is that I have Bible study on Tuesday mornings and I need to leave the house by 8:45am. As of Baby Girl's feeding, it's 8:05 and I've yet to shower AND all 5 kids still need to be changed, dressed, teeth brushed and groomed.

I feel the frustration mounting. I finish Baby Girls' bottle, but not before she poops twice, each time into a clean diaper. I get Baby D situated so that he can eat while I shower. However, he is unsettled and I realized that he's pooped. Annoyed that my shower is being delayed further, I change him.

Finally, I'm off to the shower. Elizabeth is trying to get my attention, but instead of listening to her, I raise my voice, telling her to stop talking and EAT!

After a quick shower, I come back into the kitchen to find that Elizabeth (my FOUR year old), has helped the twins finish up their breakfast, unbuckled them from their booster seats and had carried all 3 cereal bowls to the sink. I walk in on her wiping off the table.

Thinking about it now makes me get tears in my eyes. I realized, as I watched my little girl working so hard to help me out, that I have had some serious issues with anger the last two days.

I could blow it off and say that lack of sleep does funny things to my body. I could pass it off as being in a high-stress environment. I could even say that it's my time of the month, but it isn't.

My problem is deeper. The amount of time I've spent with my Savior the last month has totaled maybe 20 minutes. The enemy knows that when I am tired, I am the most vulnerable. He is attacking me and I am allowing his evil whispers to penetrate my heart and hurt the people I love.

How could I be so blind? How could this happen all the sudden? The truth is, it didn't. This past Sunday, Michael continued his sermon series on Fireproofing your marriage. He spoke about how things can slowly fade into your life and marriage, causing it to crumble. At the time, I seriously thought,

"Oh, I'm not addicted to pornography or gambling or alcohol. Those things don't apply to me and my marriage."

The truth is that the enemy will attack us where we are weakest. Pornography, gambling and alcohol are not weak areas in my life. For me, sleep is precious. I've always needed lots of sleep to function, even before kids.

Over the past month, it has been a slow fade from my Lord. Instead of daily time with him, I've offered myself to the Serta gods. I've placed other things in areas where God should be. It has effected my entire family and even the state of my heart.

I praise God that He is incredibly slow to anger, and so unlike me. I praise Him for taking me back time and time again. I praise Him that I have a forgiving husband, who as I type this, texted me and asked,

"You ok? I'm worried about you."

I praise God that tonight, after a conversation and a huge apology on my part, my husband will forgive me and I can rest in the hope that tomorrow will be better.

I am so far from perfect and I hope that each of you continues to see that EVERYTHING within me that is good and right comes straight from the One whose Spirit dwells within my broken body. I praise Him because He is good and He never, ever changes.

The First

Okay...I was about to post this back on October 9th, but while proof reading it, we got the call for Baby Girl. I wanted to still post it, especially now, because of it's relevance.
_____

Written on October 9th:

Below is my first post I wrote way back in January. Since I was lacking thoughtful words today, I thought I'd look back at some old posts (back before anyone was actually READING my blog) and see if anything struck me as worthwhile. This post jumped off the screen at me.

Lately, I have struggled so much with consistent quiet time (actually ANY quiet time). I feel like I'm in conversation with God, but right now, it's pretty one sided. I had all but forgotten about my Life Verse until I re-read this post (some life verse, huh?). When I read those words again, they jumped off the page at me, just as they did that first day God revealed them to me.
_____

Originally written January 31, 2008

About 6 months ago I was reading the book "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. In it, she suggests creating a life purpose statement. I have been captivated by this concept since I read it. Although I have thought that I had purpose for my life, I have never before looked at it from this vantage point. I have never thought of my entire life as a time line and referenced where I been and where I am, in contrast to where I want to be. Read my life purpose verse, then I will attempt to explain its meaning in terms of my heart:

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. ~ Philippians 3:12-14, The Message

Here's what I take this to mean for me:

1. I will never be the person that says, "I've got it all figured out." I am trying desperately hard to become the Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister and Friend that Jesus Christ wants me to be. However, I fail in every area of my life daily. I don't know how I can let God down so much, fail so often and still be considered so valuable to Him. That baffles me. I know that every time I am in the Word and in prayer or just sitting with friends, I learn so much about this God I love. I think about it a lot in reference to 1 Corinthians Chapter 3. I know that there are days when all I can tolerate is God's milk. Then, when I am ready in a new area, He gives me meat. I am continually amazed at how He works on my heart in simple ways, continuing to reveal Himself to me.

2. I know that if I continue to seek God's will for my life, then I am headed in the right direction. I may have NO CLUE where He is taking me, but when the Creator of the universes is in control, who am I to ask questions? Not that I don't, because believe you me, I have SOOO many uncertainties. I also know that my God is big enough for me to doubt Him, have questions about Him, not believe Him and yet He still loves me. Amazing.

3. Lastly, (at least for now) I know that I am being made new. I am headed down the path that leads me to "Christ-likeness." Not that I'll get there anytime soon, but I know where I'm going. I don't want to go back to the old me. Not that I think that I was a horrible person before, the the new me is just so much better. I have a lot of fond memories of the time I spent before I knew Jesus. I know those memories will never fade, and many of them shaped me into who I am today. But the Spirit has taken over the old me and transformed me from the inside out. I have been made new. I am still the same old girl. I talk too much, say it too loud, laugh when no one else thinks stuff is funny, gross people out....but now, I'm different. I love looking for God in the every day. I realize that things in my life don't happen by "coincidence" and there is no such thing as "luck." Everything in the universe is held up by the God I serve. What an awesome way to live my life!

I still have many hurdles to jump, lots of mountains to climb and so many bridges to rebuild. But I know that with the power of Christ, I can overcome anything, because of His sacrifice for me.
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Looking back at this post just makes me even more aware of how amazing my God really is! Look at all He has done in our lives this year and how He has shown Himself time and time again. I know that no part of me deserves any of what He gives me, but the blessings we continue to receive through obedience are humbling.

Thank you all for your prayers of support lately. I can really feel them all around me, sustaining me, encouraging me and whispering truths when the author of lies tries to creep in! You all mean so much to me and I appreciate you journeying with me.

Day 1 with 5, 4 and Under

Today is my first day, going it alone, with five kids 4 years and under. Luke was home yesterday, so reality hasn't quite set in.

Baby Girl did okay last night, she slept between 2 and 3 hour stretches. Because I am blessed with a remarkable husband, he shared the load and from 4am on, he was up with her (and Baby D, because he clearly didn't want to miss out on the action) feeding, changing and holding.

Baby Girl likes to be held a lot and she is oh, so petite. She eats very well, about 2 ounces every 2 or so hours.

I took some quick pictures this morning and they aren't terribly good quality, but I wanted to give you guys a sneak peek.

Thank you so much for the outpouring of support and prayers. I cannot tell you how blessed I feel knowing that so many prayers are being prayed on our behalf. I do feel peaceful.

Yesterday, when I went to get Baby Girl from the hospital, their was a small glitch in paperwork. As I sat there, holding Baby Girl, waiting on the investigator to bring over the amended paperwork, I fell in love. She is so sweet it's hard not to love her completely.

Thanks again for the prayers, offers for food and support as we begin another journey!

"And you are helping us by praying for us. Then many people will give thanks because God has graciously answered so many prayers for our safety."
~ 2 Corinthians 1:11

Better Than Ezra

I may not have much time, as the kids could wake up any second, but I HAD to tell you how amazing my God is!

First, let me confess...

I haven't REALLY opened my Bible in about 3 weeks. Yes, shocking I know. I mean, I'd picked it up, read a Proverb but not really studied. Trust me, I could tell in my day to day life BIG time. Anyway, my God is so redemptive and so forgiving. When we found out about Baby Girl last night it was almost dinner time. I put the kids' food on the table, strapped everyone in boosters and went to our bedroom and closed the door. I got on my knees and begged God for forgiveness.

Why? Why would He continue to use a woman who had not sought His face in so long? Why? As I type those words, tears flood my eyes.

For the rest of the night, Luke and I wrestled with whether or not to take this newborn Baby Girl. I will go into details later (hopefully) about the whys and why nots, but for now, let me continue about the amazingness of my Father.

Baby D slept so well last night and at 7:00am I woke refreshed from 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep (that in itself could prove God's goodness, but He wasn't done yet). I KNEW that today of all days I could not go without the Word.

I grab some coffee and my Bible and begin with Proverbs 10 (since today is the 10th). After that, I flip to the New Testament, the part of the Bible I understand.

Instead, I think "Ezra."

Now, let me just tell you that I have read the book of Ezra, oh.....NEVER. Why then would God lead me there?

I go to the front of my Bible to find where in the heck Ezra is in the Old Testament. Ezra found, I begin to read. Let me tell you, Ezra is true to Old Testament form in that is it INCREDIBLY hard for me to read. But, I press on.

Something in Chapter 1 flashes in front of me. Then there it is again. In verse 1 then again in verse 5 it references the stirring of hearts. First God stirred the heart of Cyrus, then of the priests and Levites. I knew that feeling, because my heart had been stirred.

I skip past all of the lists in chapter 2 but not before I understand that these lists are a record of the families that returned to Judah from exile. They were counted. At the end of of chapter 2 Ezra talks about what each family is giving to help rebuild the temple. One line jumps off the page, chapter 2 verse 69:

"each leader gave as much as he could"

Last night, as Luke and I discussed the Baby Girl, we asked ourselves "How much can we give?"

Wait! It gets better!

In Chapter 3 the people rejoice over the foundations being laid. Our home has a firm foundation, and I rejoice in Him.

My biggest concern in taking Baby Girl is the new questions that will arise. I don't feel emotionally equipped to deal with the questions and negative remarks from outsiders and family. I just don't think I can handle it again.

However, because my God is so awesome, He knew what I needed this morning. In Chapter 4 they begin to see opposition to the rebuilding. In the margin of my Bible referencing verse 4 it says:

I DO NOT GIVE IN to those who seek to frighten or discourage me from serving the Lord.

Then again in the margin of Chapter 5 referencing verse 5:

I DO NOT STOP working for the Lord, even if others seek to frighten or discourage me.

Really? That clearly, huh God?

(As a side note, if you KNOW our family personally, I encourage you to look up Ezra Chapters 5 & 6 and see why I gained additional encouragement.)

I continue reading through Chapter 6 and I realize that this story is starting to sound familiar. Could it be? Could this wall be the same wall?

Because I clearly do not have the books of the Bible memorized I quickly flip to the end of Ezra. There, I find the final confirmation I needed from my Savior this morning. You see, at the end of Ezra comes another book on rebuilding that same wall. The book of Nehemiah.

Our Pastor, Michael did a sermon series right after we got Baby D. His sermons and the words in the book of Nehemiah were COMPLETE confirmation that we were, in fact, doing a good work and we must not stop.

To you all, this may be jumble and coincidence. However, I don't believe in coincidence.

For me, this morning was complete confirmation that us taking Baby Girl is right. That Baby Girl will bring more work to our family. That Baby Girl will bring less sleep, more bottles, more diapers and more tears.

However, she carries with her the hope of our ministry that we call our home. She brings confirmation that the road that follows Christ is one that is steep, rough and sometimes very, very hard.

But, having faith doesn't mean you bail out when the going gets tough. Instead, you hold on to what you know to be truth. You lean on the One who provides comfort and you open your heart to receive His countless blessings.

You rest in knowing that you can be a total mess up, not open your Bible for weeks, and still have the love and mercy of a Savior who can speak to you through the jumbled pages of a book you've never even read.

Considering It Joy...Through It All

Okay, I realize that most of you probably think our children are well behaved, at least I hope you do! In fact, when we are in public they are generally well behaved.

Furthermore, the ONLY time I can remember Elizabeth being terrible in public was just after the twins were born. We were at church, trying to get everyone situated to leave. The twins were each still in infant carriers and Elizabeth was just 2 years old. We picked her up from her Sunday School class and she could not decide if she wanted to stay with MeMe (my mom) or go with us. Luke took the twins and headed out toward the car. Looking back, I think he might have seen the meltdown coming and ran for cover. Just kidding.

For Elizabeth, MeMe is matched by no one. The decision was a tough one for her to make.

She said she wanted MeMe so I started down the hall, alone, toward the door. She busts out from around the corner, screaming my name. I go to her, pick her up and continue toward the door. Upon her realization that she was leaving MeMe, she began screaming louder only this time, for her MeMe.

I took her back to her Sunday School room and left her with MeMe. Once more, I head toward the door and hear her screaming my name. This continued about 3 more times until finally, Elizabeth was hysterically crying. I took her around the corner just to try and calm her down.

When I squatted down to be eye level with her she reached out and slapped me, right across the face. The look of shock on my face must have revealed to her that she was in SUPER DUPER big trouble. The screams got louder.

I went to pick her up and she went into the Beaver family's signature "Crocodile Death Roll." To avoid dropping her on her precious head, I scoop her up and hold her cross ways in my arms like a barrel. At this point, I'm all but sprinting for the door.

Elizabeth continues screaming, biting, spitting and kicking all the way through the parking lot. It was one of those moments where you focus on the car and just go, avoiding eye contact with anyone in sight. Trust me, EVERYONE was watching us.

Those moments have been few and far between. Actually, she's not had another moment like that, in public, since.

Why then, when I say to a group of people (my ladies group aside-girls, you know!) that my children are having obedience issues that they reply,

"Really? You're children are so well behaved!"

Ugh! Yes, I'm making it up. I'm lying about the disobedience of my kids just for FUN. There are some of you who are reading this that KNOW that I'm not kidding.

Some of you *cough, (Matt and Brittany)* have witnessed the stubbornness of Lucas. Some of you, okay maybe a lot of you since I posted the video, have witnessed Ashlee's meltdowns.

I agree that generally speaking, my kids are well behaved. But I see these kids, or read books, and it's as if their kids NEVER misbehave. They are always bright, cheery and obedient.

Is that possible? Am I missing something?

I guess you can tell from reading this and this other post that I have had a rough week so far. I told Luke about my day yesterday (don't worry - I got my 3 positives in before I unloaded on him) and he asked me,

"So, after days like today do you still love being home."

I didn't even pause.

"Of course I do."

All in all, I know that I am doing what God has created me to do. But, everyone has bad days, or weeks, don't they?

Once more I'm reminded, of James 1:2-4

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

This week, I'm struggling to find the pure joy in my children's temper tantrums. I'm struggling to find the pure joy in my strong-willed, two year old son's CONSTANT testing. I'm struggling to find the pure joy in lots and lots of screaming.

Last night from 2am-5:30am I struggled to find pure joy when the girls refused to sleep without me in the bed, between them (that would be a twin sized bed). I struggled to find the joy when I slammed the door on them because I was just so tired. (Yes, I'm confessing.)

I will, however, focus on finding pure joy with each of these trials. Because, there will come a day when I don't hear the patter of little feet coming into our room at 2am.

There will come a day when my son won't let me hold him when he cries.

There will come a day when my girls won't get out of bed 14 bazillion times for "just one more hug".

There will come a time when our house is quiet and I can sleep and I'll wish a thousand times that I had just one more sleepless night, just one more chance to rock a sleepy child.

There will come a time when I will beg for just one more night, sandwiched between my sweet princesses, elbows in my ribs, a cramped neck because I have no pillow...but the sounds and smells of childhood all within my arms reach.

I WILL consider it all pure joy. I will.

Glimpses

Seven years ago I was a senior in college. Our country was freshly grieving the losses of September 11th. Patriotism was evident on every car, every flagpole and in every American heart. My family had just buried my Great Uncle Vaughn.

I remember that time in my life very well. I had just broken up with this other guy I was dating and Luke and I were trying to figure out what we were going to do with our relationship.

Luke and I had been dating since my sophomore year in college. However, when he graduated and moved to Memphis, complications from a prior relationship of his put a serious strain on me. I had broken up with him in June-ish and started dated someone else that summer.

Then, unexpectedly, my Uncle Vaughn was killed. He died on September 9th. I left college and traveled the 60 miles back to my hometown. I called Luke on the way to tell him that I was hurting. He knew my family well. I needed him. This new guy wouldn't know anyone and a funeral is not a place to introduce a new person. Luke came immediately.

My life was so upside down. I vaguely knew Jesus. I had heard about him in Sunday School when I was a kid, and when my Mom dragged me to church on Sundays during the summer. He wasn't a real person. He was a story.

There have been days that I have begged for God to give me a glimpse of the future. I pray that He will let me see what is in store for us. I pray for just a taste, a small picture of what our life will be like in 6 months, 12 months, 5 years. Although He speaks clearly, He never gives me those pictures I beg for. Now, I think I know why.

You see, 7 years ago if God had shown me my life today I wouldn't have believed Him. I wouldn't have understood. I would have counted God as a liar.

How could someone go from so broken, so shallow, and so empty to what I am now? Sure, I still have my days of self-pity, selfishness and just sheer sinfulness. However, my life is different. My heart is different. There's no way the me of 7 years ago, would have believed my life of today.

Then I was broken. Now I'm restored. Then I was dirty. Now I am clean. That boyfriend who caused me so much pain, is now a husband who honors me, loves me and reminds me daily who I want to be. The burdens of school and job searching have been replaced with a purpose beyond all understanding. The triviality of the day to day has been replaced with a focus on eternity.

The desperate desire I had for freedom now knows true freedom.

I remember so clearly wanting to know, wanting to see what my future held. I wanted a small taste, a picture of my future. Now I know, that had God granted me my wish, I would have never believed.

I needed each event in my life to lead me to Him. I needed the pain, the distance, the sadness, the death to show me where He was. I needed the journey.

These last few days I've been thinking a lot about what our life will be like in a few years. I wonder if Baby D will really be ours. I wonder what life will be like when our current 4 are TEENAGERS in our home.

I used to ask God for a glimpse of the future, now I know why that would never work.

There is no way I would ever believe the blessings He has in store for me.

There is no way I could understand the new passions, complexities and desires He will place in me. There is no way I could grasp the new me without going through the growing processes to get me there.

When I think about my future, instead of looking at it in wonder I now see it with excitement. I cannot wait to see the blessings God will pour out.

I know that my road will be marked with suffering, sadness, tears and emotion. I also know that I am not traveling alone. As these thoughts have rolled through my mind these last few days, First Corinthians Chapter 2 flows with them. Specifically verse 9:

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined
what God has prepared for those who love him.”
(a reference to Isaiah 64:4)

I truly know that God has prepared things for me that my mind, ears and eyes could never understand. I stand in awe knowing that the Creator of the universe cares enough about me to shape and mold me into the daughter He has created me to be.

As I eagerly anticipate the new blessings, I pray that as they come I will see them in all forms.

Sadness, grief, loss, joy, happiness, laughter and pain.

I pray that God gives me eyes to see and ears to hear all of the blessings He has in store. I may not know the days before me, but I know the One who has counted them, blessed them and ordained them.

Who needs a glimpse of the future when you're staring at that?