How Deep The Father's Love For Us

I've written before about how music affects me and why I can't listen to secular music. But truthfully, I don't miss secular music that much anyway. In fact, when I stumble upon a new (to me) song that everyone else in the free world already knows (but I've never heard) it's like walking up on a pot of gold.

A BIG POT OF GOLD. With a beautiful voice inside.

Lately, I've found such a song. And can I just tell you that I get some funny looks (and maybe a few extra fingers thrown my way) by people in other cars as our 15 passenger van slows significantly and I whole heartedly worship the King from the drivers seat. Especially when I have my eyes closed and my hands firmly pressed against the roof of the van.

Just kidding. I keep my hands on the wheel. At least one of them.

Y'all..I love this song. Love it so very much. And I love that the Lord has helped me tuck little excerpts of Scripture away in my heart so that as I sing (poorly) along with Nichole Nordeman, I can recall God's words that may have even inspired this song.

If you'd like to listen to this song while you read the words you can CLICK HERE. (It's not Nichole. But this gal's good too.) And I added the scripture in myself. You're welcome.


How Deep The Father's Love For Us

How deep the Father’s love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

{And at the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” - Mark 15:34}

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

{The men who were guarding Jesus began mocking and beating him. They blindfolded him and demanded, “Prophesy! Who hit you?” And they said many other insulting things to him. - Luke 22:63-65}

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

{When Jesus had received the sour wine, he said, “It is finished,” and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit. - John 19:30}

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

{And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” - 1 Corinthians 1:30-31}


Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

{He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. - 1 Peter 2:24}

{For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” - Mark 10:45}

- Lyrics by Stuart Townend Source

The life I deserve

My skin begins to crawl when I see people's statuses on facebook about being somewhere posh or enjoying a luxury and other people comment and say, "Oh girl! Enjoy your massage/vacation/new car. You DESERVE it."

Really? Do you really deserve it?

I'm going to be real honest here and tell you that if you do not believe in Jesus Christ and set the Bible as an authority over your life, then truthfully, this post isn't written for you. Especially what I'm about to say next.

Do you know what you and I really deserve?

Not a nice, new car. Not even a massage. And you can forget a long, relaxing, vacation. Mani and Pedi? Nope.

You and I deserve an eternity separated from God. An eternity.

Take that in for a few seconds.

Eternity. Can we even wrap our minds around that length of time?

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is
eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
- Romans 6:23

Sure, God wants us bless us with nice things. He wants to show His love for us by giving us massages and nice vacations and comfortable beds and abundant blessings that are unimaginable. But you know what? You don't deserve any of it. And neither do I.

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!
- Matthew 7:11

Jesus Christ alone is what makes us worthy of any of those blessings. His blood. His sacrifice. His atonement. And you know what else? It makes me fighting mad when we take ownership of the good things in our lives as if we caused or created or made them happen ourselves.

It makes me angry to my core when people claim what they deserve because they're a good person or they do good things or because they've done what's expected of them.

Because, if we really believe that we are the cause for the good things in our lives, because of our own goodness, then we are alternately saying that people who live lives that are not up to our social status are not good enough. That somehow, by their own badness, people who live below our standard of living have been born into a life of struggle and filth and disease as a punishment. Because they're bad.

The arrogance in that disgusts me.

I saw a photo below earlier today. It was posted by our sending organization, Africa Inland Mission. It's a shot of an island in Lake Victoria, near Tanzania, East Africa.

It's where people live. They choose this life to support their families and provide for them the best way they can.

No power. No running water. Grotesque conditions that most of us could never even dream of experiencing. Even the thought of the stench on that island burns my nostrils.

Do the people living there deserve that life because they are were born into poverty? Do they deserve it because they don't work hard enough or do enough good things? Do they deserve such a life becaues they weren't blessed enough to be born an upper or middle-class American or Canadian or European (or any other country that boasts a high population of middle-class citizens)?

To think such things is insane.

So why are we so quick to claim the blessings in our own life as deserved? The fact is, we did not procure any of the blessings in our life because of our own goodness. None of them. Not one. I don't deserve the food in my refrigerator right now. Nor the blanket that covers my lap. Nor the fresh, drinakable water that flows freely from every faucet (and even the toilets) in my home.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights,
who does not change like shifting shadows.
- James 1:17

I am fully prepared that this post isn't going to garner a lot of comments or positive feedback. And I don't care.

Because I fully believe that until we, as the body of Christ, realize that we are not worthy of the good things God has given us and until we take our redeemed lives, our possessions and our resources and offer them up on the altar of obedience to God, we will truly get what we deserve.

Lives lived in disobedience get a deserved distance from the One who knows us better than we know ourselves. He alone knows what is best for us.

You turn things upside down,

as if the potter were thought to be like the clay!

Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it,

"You did not make me"?

Can the pot say to the potter,

"You know nothing"?

- Isaiah 29:16

My desire is to live as bond servant of the Lord. Someone who has paid their debt through the saving power of Jesus Christ yet chooses to remain a slave to Him out of love.

Truly, I don't deserve a lick of what I take ownership of. Six healthy kids, a phenomenal husband, a nice, warm, spacious house. Clean water, food, clothing. None of it.

Lately, God is reminding me of this over and over and over again.

I've been counting my blessings more often, even the simple ones. I love more boldly. I savor those sweet, tender moments between myself and someone I love. Because I know that none of it is deserved and all of it is a gift.

While I do not belive that we deserve the blessings in our lives, God chooses to bless us (because of His goodness, mercy and grace) inspite of ourselves. And we should enjoy those blessings, savor them even. But never, ever should we take ownership of them and forget that the Lord is the provider of all good things.

And when the LORD your God brings you into the land that he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give you—with great and good cities that you did not build, and houses full of all good things that you did not fill, and cisterns that you did not dig, and vineyards and olive trees that you did not plant—and when you eat and are full, then take care lest you forget the LORD, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. It is the LORD your God you shall fear. Him you shall serve and by his name you shall swear.

- Deuteronomy 6:10-13 (emphasis mine)

I don't deserve the life I have. Not one bit of it. And I pray every day that I continue getting exactly what I don't deserve.

No one tells you

There's something I noticed about my kids a year or so ago. They were all playing quietly and out of no where someone began to wail. As I investigated the screams I soon discovered their cause. One of the kids had a huge bite mark. The other child stood frozen, eyes fixed upon me, knowing that (s)he had done wrong.

What I realized was that no one had taught my children to bite or hit or kick or punch. They just did it. They pulled that ability from the recesses of their sinful selves and did what felt necessary at the moment. But they'd never seen me or Luke bite, kick or punch someone when we didn't get our way.

My point is, it wasn't a learned behavior. It was something they knew how to do from the moment they figured out a little something about self-expression. Aaron has yet to begin biting out of spite, but he will hit his little sister when she tries to play with one of "his" toys.

Again, this isn't something we taught him to do. He's a normal 18 month old little boy. My guess is, if you have kids, you see some of their behaviors and think to yourself, "Where in the world did they learn to do that?"

I know that unacceptable behavior is not something I've taught my kids to do but rather something I'm attempting to train them to refrain from.

I think doubt is the same way.

No one teaches you to have doubt. In fact, before you ever decide to turn your life over Christ and become a follower you are filled with doubt. Sort of like that toddler who is filled with the desire to hit or bite his siblings.

Then, something miraculous happens.

You meet this Man. And slowly, yet dramatically, He changes you. But there's something that they never prepare you for. They never tell you about the doubt you will continue to have. They never tell you that it starts as small doubt and moves into the big areas of your life.

One of my girlfriends and I were talking about childbirth this weekend. She said, "I expected the pain and the soreness after delivery but no one prepared me for when the nurse came in and smashed on my stomach every hour for the next day. That hurt worse than anything!"

She's right. No one prepares you for the hurtful side of being a follower of Christ. No one tells you upfront that it will still hurt, often worse, when you are walking this new road. No one prepares you for the doubt that creeps in, then seemingly takes over your spirit.

No one prepares you for the times when you so desperately want to be close to the Lord yet with every page of your Bible or every Christian book you read, you'll want to snap it shut and fling it across the room from pure disgust.

Disgust at yourself. Disgust from the doubting.

No one tells you that these seasons can last for months at a time. No one tells you how to pull yourself out or how to cry out for help or how to allow the One who knows your thoughts to begin to work this all out for His glory.

No one tells you that through all of it you still know He is there, but you wonder why on earth He isn't speaking in your direction.

No one tells you how lonely it feels or how bad it hurts or how much you question Him and yourself and you wonder if you have this whole Jesus thing as figured out as you thought you did.

No one tells you how you will one day deal with the pride in your heart and how the consequences of that pride will have doubt casting a shadow on all areas of your soul.

It's cold in those shadows people. Very cold.

No one tells you how your heart can't even begin to worship to your favorite song, even when it's played in an amazing worship service where everyone around you is seemingly filled with the Spirit.

No one tells you what it feels like to glance over at your husband on a Sunday morning and see him deep in prayer and hope to God that he's praying for you because you know you can't pray for yourself.

These are the thing that no one tells you about being a lover of Christ. So, in case there are people out there wondering why no one else has told you. Here I am. I'm telling you.

Sometimes loving the Lord hurts. Sometimes you are filled with doubt. Sometimes it makes you lay awake at night and wonder why it's been months since you've felt His presence. Sometimes you won't want to open your Bible. Sometimes you won't want to talk to your best friend about it. Sometimes you wonder if you really believe what you say you believe.

But.

He's still there. He still loves me. He still did it all just for me.

And always, that's enough.

I'm Not Who I Was

Last Saturday we had a yard sale. Okay, actually we carried all our stuff out onto our driveway, let it sit for about 6 hours, sold twelve $1.00 items, carried it all back into our garage then ordered pizza.

Successful we were not. Anyway, I spent most of my time "preparing" for the yard sale in the weeks preceding it by sorting through old boxes and looking at pictures that I had not seen in years. I found letters from old friends and photos of me and people that I had not spoken to in nearly a decade. The trips I took down memory lane brought smiles, fears, tears and much thought.

My past, well the past prior to my marriage, isn't one that I always enjoy remembering. Sure, I have great memories with wonderful friends. But overall my memories, particularly the ones I have from high school, are tainted. They include pain from broken relationships, less than desirable (but unfortunately true) rumors about my dating life and recollections of never being good enough.

Wait? Doesn't everyone feel the same way about their time in high school? Maybe. But maybe not. You see, when I got the invitation via email last year for my 10 year high school reunion I knew that there was no way in you-know-where that I was going back. Ever. I couldn't click delete fast enough. But let me make it very clear, it isn't because of shame that I refuse to go to that place. It isn't because I feel like I'm better than the folks who still live in my hometown or because I think that part of my life was pathetic. It's not that it all.

The truth is, I'm not who I was. I'm different now. At the time, I saw no reason to not do the things I did. I saw no reason to not have sex with the guys I dated or allow my body to be put on display for whomever to see. I saw no reason to live my life for anything but pure, selfish pleasure. My only fear was getting caught by my father, which actually happened anyway.


But looking back at those photos I realized that I was so broken. I was so lost. I could fix everything myself and if I couldn't, well I just pushed it to the back burner and hoped it would resolve itself.

You see, I'm not who I was.

I am changed. For as long as I could remember I wanted, desperately, to be rescued. I'd watch romance movies and just cry because I wanted that dramatic rescue from a man who would love me forever for who I was. That man never came. Sure they allowed themselves use of my body and tried their best to live up to my high expectations. But they couldn't fill the void. They couldn't rescue me in a way I needed. They let me down.

Finally, I realized a rescuer wasn't coming. I loved Luke and when you love someone and you're out of college you get married so that's what we did. Life was good. Sure it had its bumps but in general it was good. But the longing never faded. I still wanted the dramatic rescue, the unfailing love and the risk of a man losing it all just for me.

Then it happened. I met my Rescuer. I don't remember when and I don't remember how but I remember knowing that it was a Rescue of unfailing proportions. He did it, for me. He knew I wasn't the girl I was. He knew the girl I was going to be. With one mighty display of love, He rescued me in a way that I could never imagine. He wiped away all the sin, shame and scars from the life of a decade past.

And now, I'm not who I was.

It's Not My Job To Understand

I knew when I saw my Dad's number pop up on my cell phone that someone had died. My grandparents have not been in good health for a while now and it was because of their declining health that we visited Arkansas last Thanksgiving. So, it was natural for me to assume that one of my Dad's parents had passed when I saw his number. You see, my Dad and I have not had many conversations in the last several years. To say our relationship has been strained is a tad of an understatement.

Still, when my Dad told me that it was my step-mother that had died and not one of my grandparents my heart broke. Immediately I asked about my sister then all I could muster out was "Dad, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

I got in touch with Luke who was enjoying a rare guys afternoon out at the movie. He came home immediately and I began searching for flights.

The 4th of July holiday meant inflated ticket prices. The least I could get there for was $478. For that price, we could all go (by car). Luke and I decided over the phone that all of us would make the trip.

I called my Dad and told him I was packing at that we would be there some time the next day. "You don't need to load up all those kids in the car that long," he stated.

"Dad, I'm coming either way. If you'd prefer the kids not to come because they'd be in the way, I'm okay with that. But, it's your call."

"I'd love to see my grandbabies," his voice said with a crack. We hung up and I continued packing for the seven of us to make a last minute trip across the state of Tennessee.

At 9pm EST we pulled out. We drove all night while the kids slept, Luke and I taking turns sleeping. We arrived at my Dad's house a little after 8:00am CST.

The details of my step-mother's death are ones that I am choosing to keep private, but she did dies of natural causes in her sleep. My sister found her body the next morning while my Dad was gone fishing. I can't imagine the images that will haunt my sister's mind for the rest of her life.

She and my step-mom were close. Best friends, in fact. They were like two peas in a pod. My step-mom did a great job training up my sister to be a woman who loves the Lord. Both my sister and step-mom attended church regularly and were believers in Jesus. I know that my step-mom is dancing on the streets of heaven now, worshiping our Lord and for that I take comfort. But, my heart aches deeply for my sister.

She's 16 and not only lost her mother but her best friend. She's 16 and has the rest of her life to endure without her mother cheering her on. She's 16 and in her future lies graduations, weddings and the births of her children. She's 16 and has her entire life ahead of her, without the love and support that only a mother can provide.

But, with all of that said, I know that God is sovereign. I know that He knows His perfect will and how that includes my sister facing a life without her Mom. I can't begin to rationalize why God would allow my step-mom to die at this point in her life. I can't begin to understand why God knows that my sister will be closer to Him through it all. I can't understand because my mind is merely human and God's mind is all knowing.

But I can believe and I can trust and I can encourage and love her the best I know how from this far away. I can be on my knees, begging God to send her someone she can confide in, trust and fill a small piece of the void she must feel. I can beseech the most Holy God on behalf of my sister and dad and pray for His mercy and love to fill their hearts.

God is good no matter our present circumstances. I pray that you will join me in lifting up a hurting daughter before the King of Kings and a broken man who desperately needs a relationship with the One who can heal all wounds.

Thank you friends.

Flesh

I was checking in on some blogs lately and came across one of a friend of mine, one that I've mostly lost touch with. We met about a year ago and I know that, deep down, we have a lot more in common than either of us know to be obvious.

At any rate, this friend has noted recently on her blog that she is no longer a believer in Jesus. She isn't a Christian, and the tone she often takes makes me believe that she may even have some anti-christian emotions. Oh how I wish she could see me, when I was her age, and know that we are truly so much alike.

The part that took me back was when she listed people in history she'd like to meet. She noted some that seem obvious like FDR and Hitler. But then, at the bottom, she blew me away. She listed Jesus, but not for the reasons I would have hoped. The words she used about my King were curt and had a sting of pain. Then at the end of her explanation of why she would chose to meet Him, she stated, "I'd shake his hand though, and let him know I respect his humanitarian efforts."

Wow. My Prince, my Lord. The One who set me free from things that I never even knew held me in bondage. My Love. Shake his hand? I exited off her blog, intent on coming back and sharing with her something profound. The profound never came. But, her words lingered.

Then, this past week when I took Baby Girl to her physical therapy appointment, I ran some errands. As I drove in the (uncommon) silence, I thought about my friend's words. "Shake his hand..."

I thought, "My dear friend, if you could shake His hand, if you could just touch him, see the scars, feel him for yourself, you'd see that He really is all you will ever need."

Tears formed in my eyes. I hurt for her. Not a pity hurt, an authentic hurt, like when you know someone is experiencing a loss that you cannot prevent. I love her. I hurt for her. Then it hit me. There were people who touched Him, soldiers who gripped His arms, felt His flesh, drove the nails. There were real men who carried His lifeless body. There were people who pulled the nails from His hands. They touched Him.

They felt his flesh.

Yet, for some of them, their lives were not changed. Face to face, skin to skin, smearing the very blood that bore all sin, they felt Him and yet, no change.

I think the thing that saddens me most about being a believer in the Savior of the world is that not everyone will take advantage of His sacrifice. Not all who see Him will see Him. Not all who come face to face with Him will believe. Not all will be rescued.

When I know that these people can be friends, loved ones and family, my heart breaks. It breaks terribly. Yet, the truth remains.

He came.
He lived.
He died.
He rose.
He redeemed.

Choosing not to accept that truth does not make it less true. He died, he did, for me, for you, for all people. He would have came just for one, even if all others chose not to believe.

He was despised and rejected—
a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
He was despised, and we did not care.

Yet it was our weaknesses he carried;
it was our sorrows that weighed him down.
And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God,
a punishment for his own sins!
But he was pierced for our rebellion,
crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed.
All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.
We have left God’s paths to follow our own.
Yet the Lord laid on him
the sins of us all.

Isaiah 53:3-6
(emphasis added)

It was foretold. It happened. What a beautiful love story.

Although I really believe in my heart that my friend knows the truth. I also know that every day that she questions, everyday that she seeks after other forms of false redemption, everyday that she looks away from the One who is all truth, it is one more day that she is living outside of the fullness that God intended for her life.

The flesh. The nails. The blood. The body. For her, for me, for all.

To believe, to change, should it take a handshake? If you're waiting on all your questions to be answered, I can promise you they never will be. I have unanswered questions. Pastors have unanswered questions. We all do.

So what is the difference between those soldiers who touched Jesus yet never believed and a true Christ follower? Faith. It is by faith, through grace, that He redeemed us all. Faith that He is enough. Faith in what you may never understand. Faith in the One who bore all sin.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
This is what the ancients were commended for.

By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command,
so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.

Hebrews 11:1-3

Easter

What does Easter mean to you? Is it about bunnies? Chocolate? Fake grass? (I hear there is edible grass now..seriously?) Is it about dyed eggs? Is is about a new dress?

While those things are nice (especially the chocolate part), Easter is about so much more.

Did you know that 2,000 years ago a man, a Savior, was resurrected from the dead?
Did you know that when his followers went to his tomb that they found it empty?
Did you know that this same man was crucified and buried just 3 days before?
Did you know that during that crucifixion that man, Jesus Christ, bore the sin of ALL men and women so that we can be made right with a mighty, powerful and just God?
Did you know that unless you believe in Him, that you will never be able to approach the throne of the God that created ALL things?

Did you know that if there was a ranking system of imperfect people, that I would be probably in the top 100? Seriously.

Did you know that because I have been justified in the eyes of God, through the life, death and resurrection of Jesus that I CAN one day stand before God and be worthy?

Did you know that you can too?

Did you know that He is the The Way and The Truth?

I know that there are many, many religions out there. But you know what? Religion doesn't matter. Ceremonies are not important. Sin is sin. Pride is pride. Mistakes are mistakes.

Easter isn't about bunnies, fake grass, chocolate or eggs. Easter is about the One who rose from the dead, who conquered death for the sake of all sin. That includes mine and yours.

Won't you join me in celebrating Easter? Won't you give God a shout out for a tomb that stands empty? Won't you ponder the love that a marvelous God has for you? Won't you join me?

Happy Easter, from a sinfilled daughter of a perfectly Holy King!

Rejoice! The tomb is empty!

Court Anyone?

Just a reminder that tomorrow, we go back to court for Baby Girl's Disposition. DSS is recommending Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) and Adoption. However, I found out on Thursday that the judge that is on the bench is the same judge I posted about here. She is none-to-fond of DSS and often sides with birth parents to a fault.

Above all, Luke and I know that God is in control of tomorrow's proceedings. If you feel led, please pray that all goes smoothly and that Luke and I feel at peace with finally seeing Baby Girl's birth mom. However, most importantly, please pray that Baby Girl's birth mother will be receptive to the love of Jesus Christ and the letter that I wrote her. Maybe she's never heard of Him, or maybe she has but she doesn't think He can do anything for her. At the very least, I pray that her heart is receptive to the redeption that only He can offer.

Thanks for journeying this with us.

His Marvelous Mercy

On Monday, we go back to court for Baby Girl. At that time, it is certain that we will get to see her birth mother. And although that makes me incredibly nervous, I also feel some compassion for this woman. Let me elaborate.

Sitting in that court room on the Thursday of Baby Girl's Disposition was no easy task. Hearing all the things that she went through while still in the womb was heartbreaking and, quite frankly it made me very angry at the woman who would do this to MY baby.

However, over the course of the last week or two, my heart has begun to soften. I know that Baby Girl's birth mother is bound by sin. I know that she suffers from addiction. I remember my life before I knew my Lord deeply and intimately and it wasn't pretty.

I wondered if birth mom thought about her precious baby and wondered how she was doing. I had my doubts because she's only seen her twice in the 3 months of her life.

Then, earlier this week I got an email from Baby Girl's social worker saying that she'd received a letter from birth mother requesting a picture. I knew that we'd be in court in just 1 week, so I told the social worker I'd bring it then.

As my heart and mind has mulled over birth mom's request, I've thought about what it might be like to be in her shoes. I've prayed over my actions regarding his request and felt the Holy Spirit move me to tears, aching for this mother and the hearbreak she must be feeling.

So last night, as everyone in my house slept, I sat in the darkness looking at my Baby Girl and I typed the following letter to her mother:



Dear Ms. [Smith],

I'm sitting here, watching [Baby Girl] sleep, listening to the sounds of her breathing, knowing that if I were in your shoes, I'd want to know how my baby is doing. So, first let me tell you that the purpose of this letter is not to make you feel bad, or judged, but simply a letter from a foster mom to a birth mom about how her baby is doing and what she's been up to over the last 3 months.

[Baby Girl] is such a precious little girl. When I picked her up from the hospital on October 13, 2008 I had no idea how much I would grow to love your precious daughter. She is beautiful in every way, as I'm sure you would agree.

[Baby Girl] still sleeps a lot, waking up about every 3 or so hours (during the day) to eat and for "conversations" where she flashes a heart melting smile. She smiles with her whole face, opening her mouth wide and sometimes even giggling. She loves being talked to, sung to, cooed at and, mostly just held. She loves to sleep swaddled all up, with a pacifier securely in her mouth.

She's a good sleeper, already sleeping through the night. She takes her last bottle somewhere between 8 and 9pm and then sleeps until 5am or so.

She has a unique personality and from the very beginning has been more responsive and cooed more than any baby I've ever seen. Her beautiful eyes scan your face, really checking out the person who is holding her. She is very alert (when she's awake) and even now, as she is sleeping, she makes soft noises that are so sweet. Even the doctor said at her newborn visit that she was an alert baby. She even smiled at the doctor at just 5 days old! We were all so amazed!

She is growing pretty well, and at her 2 month check up she weighed 9 pounds 11 ounces. She had gained 1 whole pound since her last weight check just 2 weeks before!

The top of her head still smells just like a new baby and she still has a lot of that same soft hair that she did when she was born. She lost her belly button stump just a week after she was born, which also surprised us.

She can be a little particular with her likes and dislikes. She DOES NOT like one bit to be cold, and she will let you know by crying pretty loud. However, once she is warm again, she calms down quickly. She doesn't like having a dirty diaper, but she also dislikes having her diaper changed. I guess one day she'll realize that she can't have it both ways!

She has a little bit of eczema on both cheeks that we are treating with cortisone cream. It is working really well and the eczema patches are getting better every day. She also has reflux which caused her to spit up formula out of her nose. The reflux also made her cough, but the doctor prescribed some prevacid, which she takes at night before bed and it is helping quite a bit. I have noticed that she isn't coughing hardly at all anymore and the spitting up has gotten a lot better.

[Baby Girl] also has some issues with constipation. However, 1 ounce of prune juice in 1 bottle a day takes care of that problem really quickly. Man, can that girl poop when she gets going!

[Baby Girl] is a very easy going baby. She is content to sit and watch our other children play. She gets lots of hugs and kisses from our 2 year old daughter, 2 year old son and 4 year old daughter. She loves to be in the swing, watching and "talking" to the other kids.

When she first came home from the hospital she wanted to sleep with the light on and sitting propped up. She would have it no other way!

She is precious and beautiful and perfect.

I wanted to share with you about [Baby Girl] because I know that I would want to know these things about my baby. I also want to share with you WHY we chose to become foster parents. Our goal was NOT to steal other people's babies, or even to feel good about ourselves.

We followed through with becoming foster parents because of our relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ. We felt, very strongly, that He was calling us to become foster parents. As we prayed, read our Bible and talked with other people, God confirmed for us that this was something we were suppose to do.

I haven't always been a Christian, though. I had some very hard times in my life during high school and I have made (and continue to make) a lot of mistakes. In fact, it wasn't until I was pregnant with our oldest daughter in 2003 that I really understood what it meant to know God. When I realized that I had a baby coming, I knew that I couldn't be the person that I wanted to be all by myself. I needed help. I couldn't find that help from any person here on this earth. I felt like something was missing, and that something was God. Through pure mercy, God allowed me to be saved through the life, death and conquering of that death by His Son, Jesus Christ. Being "saved" doesn't make me perfect, but it does make me forgiven and redeemed from an eternity separated from a God who whole heartedly loves me. It's more than going to church on Sundays or being "good" its about trying my best to live the life I know God wants me to live and being able to break free from the things that continue to pull me down. I have had struggles and I still do, but God is the one that helps me through.

I am not claiming to know your situation or your view on religion or God. However, it is my prayer that if you do not know who Jesus is, that you will seek Him with your whole heart. I know that a life with Jesus can bring you and [Baby Girl] back together again. Being a Christian doesn't mean that you will never have problems, but that when problems come, you can find strength in God and a desire to push through them.

Basically, I just wanted you to know that there is a God who LOVES you, more than you could ever imagine. He is REAL and powerful and He desperately wants you to know Him. It is because of His love and His work in my life that I am able to love myself and other people. It is because of Him, that when I look at your precious, sweet and perfect [Baby Girl] that I am able to love her as much as I love my own birth children. I can promise you that it is not anything special within me, but the power of Jesus Christ who has captured my heart.

I am praying for you and [Baby Girl] and that you will know that she is being cared for and loved, until you are able to see her again.

Many blessings,

Jessica
[Baby Girl's] Foster Mom

Can I just tell you that it was the hardest letter I've ever written? You see, I know the power of having the Savior in your life. I know that this could change everything. I know that He can redeem her from the life that she is living. I know that this could mean letting go of Baby Girl one day.

Therefore, I'm begging for your prayers. Please pray, along with me, that she receives this letter for what it is, my heart reaching out to hers. Pray that the spirit with which I wrote this letter is pure, good, honest and Christ filled.

You see, I'm not sure about my intentions. Yes, I desperately want her to know the love of the Savior. However, another part of me hopes that if I show her Christ's love, then she will see my heart and know that Baby Girl is in the best place, therefore relinquishing her rights immediately. I know it twisted.

Please believe me, that above all else I desire for Baby Girl's mother to live life fully surrendered to the Lord. But, a small part of me wants her to do that AND allow me to be Baby Girl's mother.

So as Monday approaches and I hand this woman a chunk of my heart, please beg the Lord to prepare her. Pray that He begins to draw her to Him, that she feels the ache in her heart that only Jesus can fill and that I water a seed that has already been planted.

I know it's not by accident that I feel this way. Today, as I drove the kids home from gymnastics, I heard the DJ read the following scripture:

So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.
James 2:12-13

I love it when God is so clear, don't you? It's all about mercy.

Thanks for the prayers.

A Lesson In Solar Energy

I sat on my porch last night in the bitter cold, in the silence, wondering why I felt so yucky. I sat there, wanting to talk to God but not really knowing what to say. I had a million thoughts yet no real thoughts swirling around in my mind. Finally, one thought came into my mind and stuck,

"Why wasn't I a light? That whole week, why wasn't I a light?"

When we moved into this house the one thing that bugged us was how dark the front walk way became at night. For Christmas last year, my grandmother bought Luke some solar powered lights to line our sidewalk (she is oh-so thoughtful...and practical). As I sat there last night I noticed one single light that was still lit. As I watched it fade, I noticed that none of the other solar lights were on. It was late and had been hours since the sun had set. I wondered why that ONE was still burning. Then God told me.

That ONE had spent the most time in the sun.

I had my answer. With no time in the Son, I cannot be a light. I thought about the weeks that led up to our vacation and even the week of. I had spent little to no time in the Son. Is it really that simple? Yes, it is.

Tonight, I went back out onto our porch. None of the lights were shining. It had rained all day today. No time in the sun = no light. Just when our walkway needed it most, on a cold, wet night, those lights were useless because they hadn't spent any time being recharged.

Again, I heard God say; You can be the vessel, equipped to carry the light, but without time in the Son, you will only sit in darkness.

I came in and opened my journal. I had left off at Romans Chapter 8. I began to read and just as He always does, God showed me the answers as to why I felt so yucky, so sinful and so unworthy of His forgiveness.

Paul (the guy who wrote Romans) said basically (this is my own version) that I am continually fighting a battle between my own sinful nature and the God-placed spirit that lives within me. There is NOTHING I can do to deserve to approach the Lord and ask for forgiveness, nothing. However, God chose to forgive me long before my sins ever even came to pass. He did that in the form of His Son, Jesus. If God was willing to sacrifice His only Son for my sins, why was I sitting here, wallowing in my yuck? I'm not worthy to approach Him but He is willing to and ready to forgive.

God himself gave me right standing with Him, it wasn't anything I did. Although I feel so far from Him right now, I am told that nothing, NOTHING can separate me from His love (Chapter 8 v. 31-39). So what was I waiting for? I begged God to forgive me for being so self-righteous and for wallowing in my yuck.

When I looked back at my Bible, I saw Romans Chapter 7. True to His comical nature, I began to read EXACTLY what I have been struggling with. I mean really...if Paul, the author of several books of the Bible felt this way, clearly I'm not THAT abnormal (at least in this regard). Paul says,

"I know that I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it.

It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law (here he is speaking of the commandments God gave Moses..I think) with all of my heart. But there is another law at work withing me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."

~ Romans 7:18-25 (emphasis mine)

Those sinful desires that captivated me during my vacation? Oh! They are right here too..right in my own home where I've built my bubble. They are with me at Wal-mart, when I change diapers, when I'm angry at my kids and when I snap at my husband. They are always there.

You see, I am just like those pesky solar lights. The amount of light I produce is directly related to the amount of time I spend in the Son. In the days leading up to or vacation, my Son time was non-existent. Accompany that with the emotion and trials that presented themselves while we were gone and I was not equipped to shine, much less fight.

Please do not read this as a cop out. I'm not excusing myself or saying that it's okay. But like a very WISE 11th grader recently reminded me, guilt is not of God. This guilt I've been carrying around isn't from Him. It's whispers of lies from the enemy. So, my plan now is to soak up the Son in a way I've never done before. I will pray for endurance because that smelly old sinful nature will find ways to hold me back.

Hopefully, the next time you see me I will be shining brightly....maybe even Son burnt.

Going Public

Today I had the privilege of watching my 4 year old daughter boldly proclaim her faith in front of 500+ people. If you've been following my blog, you know that almost a full year ago Elizabeth prayed to receive Christ. However, because of my shallow faith, because of my lack of understanding, because I couldn't see her faith with my own eyes, I didn't believe her. Today, she was bold, today I could see, today I witnessed true believing.

Since Elizabeth had spoken with Bailey, we knew that she truly understood what it means to have Christ within you. Therefore, we asked her if she was ready to take the next step. We asked her if she was ready to proclaim her faith openly. The service we attend is the largest service time at our church. On a crowded Sunday, there could be as many as 700 people in the Multi-purpose Building (I'm really guessing. It could be 500 or so, I stink at guessing numbers).

During the time of invitation, Elizabeth did not waiver. She courageously walked in front of all of those adults and talked with "Pister" Michael about her decision. Along with 3 other people, she was presented to the church and after service was greeted by all of our friends and church family. It was an awesome thing to watch and I fought tears most of the afternoon. Just as Luke said on our way home from church,

"It's so awesome to know that we will get to spend eternity with our daughter."

I couldn't agree more.

Today also sparked a lot of thought. Why is it that Elizabeth needed to proclaim her faith? Why is that needed? What's the point? Is she more saved if she does this? Is it jut for show? I dug into some scripture and here's what I found.

1. Scripture commands us to speak that Christ Jesus is in our heart. The confession of our tounge, the act of willfully saying it, makes it true. Romans 10:9-10 says,

That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

See it? Right there is says, that in your heart you believe and with the confession of your mouth you are saved. Yes, she had already confessed it to me, Luke, Bailey and anyone that asked. But going public means more than just telling those you already know, it means telling people that you've never met. It means facing challenging situations and having the courage to speak it, outloud. My baby did just that.

2. I want her to be bold in her faith. As a beliver, I don't claim to know all the answers. Crap, sometimes, I look at opposing arguments, science and other things and wonder why I believe what I believe. Then, I have to dig to find answers. However, the first step is being bold. Knowing what you believe because it's real and alive and living within you. I like how it is explained in Colossians 1:27b-28:

And this is the secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory. So we tell others about Christ, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all the wisdom God has given us. We want to present them to God, perfect in their relationship to Christ.

What an awesome thing to know a secret that gives you assurance. What an awesome thing to know that it isn't really a secret! It's meant to share!

I'm such a proud momma today! I'm proud of my little girl for knowing that Jesus is, in fact, real and alive. For understanding that He lives within her.

I'm humbled that God would allow me to witness such an extraordinary event in my child's life. I'm humbled that God used Luke and I, as minuscule as our role was, to show her His love. Thank you Lord, thank you.

Searching Her Heart

First of all, thanks for all the encouraging words, emails, calls and comments regarding my last post. I appreciate you all so much and I feel incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such supportive friends.

My sweet Elizabeth, her heart is so tender. Those of you that know her personally can attest to her compassionate nature, her desire to please and her focus on detail. Lately, Luke and I have really noticed her focus on God, heaven and salvation. Before I get to the recent details, let me take you back almost 12 months.

We still lived in our old home (we just moved into our current home last October), and I was putting Elizabeth to bed. She was just over 3 years old at the time. We were doing our normal bedtime/story routine and she asked me a question about heaven. I gently tried to explain that not everyone gets into heaven, only those who have Jesus in their hearts. I asked her if she knew how to get Jesus into her heart. Eyes wide, she looked at me and shook her head from side to side. I remember it so vividly, her big blue eyes searching my face while blond curls bounced on her pillow. I told her,

"Well, you have to say a special prayer letting Him know that you love Him and you know you sin, but you want to be better. You know that Jesus died on the cross for your sins and you want Him to live inside you, forever."

We had talked about Jesus before. She knew about the cross. She understood that Jesus was God's son. As a smile crept across her face, she looked at me so matter-of-factly and said, "I need to pray that Mommy."

I wasn't sure that she really understood. I didn't think her 3 year old heart could get it, but I also knew that I couldn't discourage her from praying to a God that is so real to her. At that moment, she repeated after me as we recited a version of the sinner's prayer. With "Amen" she sat straight up, wrapped her skinny little arms around my neck and squealed with delight. Her reaction was pure joy.

Flash forward several months to this past November. Pastor Michael was preaching about something that I cannot recall at the moment. At the end of his sermon two people (both of them people Elizabeth knows) came on stage. As Michael sang, "East to West" by Casting Crowns, Melinda and Chris, on opposite sides of the stage, begin to paint the hands of Christ. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: "Elizabeth, do you know what they are drawing?"

E: "Hands."

Me: "Do you know who's hands they are?"

E: "God's?"

Me: "Yes."

We watched a little and she saw the blood and hole on Chris' painting.

E: "Why his hand have a hole in it?"

Me: "Because that's where the nail went thru when Jesus was nailed to the cross."

E: "How he bleed for?"

Me: "Because it made him bleed to be nailed on the cross."

E: "Did it hurt?"

Me: "Yes."

E: "Did it hurt real bad? Did it burn?"

Me: "Yes, but Jesus isn't hurt anymore because when he went to heaven he didn't feel any hurts."

E: "Why did Jesus have to bleed?"

By this point the song is ending and Melinda is really starting to draw the blood from His hand.

Me: "Jesus had to bleed so that we could go to heaven. He did it because he loves us."

E: "Did he bleed real bad?"

Me: "Yes, but he did it for us and he doesn't hurt now."

At this Elizabeth got so upset she wanted to leave service. In the lobby we had to pray for Jesus' boo-boos.

Now, jump with me to a few months ago when our church took quarterly communion. As the bread began to pass, I explained to her that she couldn't participate because it was special for people who had Jesus in their heart. She seemed fine with this and kept coloring. However, as she watched everyone around her (minus a few kids sitting nearby) take the bread, she asked again why she could not. When I told her once more that it was only for people who had Jesus in their heart, she boldly proclaimed, "But Mommy, I do have Jesus in my heart. Don't you remember?"

I struggled through the rest of communion. As tears welled up in her little eyes, she desperately searched my face for confirmation that I believed her. The rest of the afternoon she reminded me of how much she loved Jesus. One specific comment she made shook me to my core. I asked her, "Elizabeth, how do you know Jesus is in your heart."

Her answer? "Because Mommy, I can feel Him."

Now, back to the present, or somewhat present. Just days before Elizabeth turned 4 she began telling me that she didn't want to grow up. She's said this a few times before but I've mostly just blown it off as being silly. However, this night in particular she kept on and on. I was putting her to bed (do you see a pattern of bedtime discussions here?) and she kept insisting that she did not want to grow up. I told her all of the things that big 4 year olds get to do that little 3 year olds don't get to do, but it didn't suffice her.

Finally, I asked her, "Elizabeth, why don't you want to grow up?"

"Because, I want to live with you and Daddy forever."

"Well, you can live with us as long as you want. Even when you're old." (I sorta had my fingers crossed here.)

Once again, the response of my 4 year old took my breath away.

"But Mom, what if God calls me to someplace else? What if he wants me to go somewhere and help other kids?"

Seriously? How do you reply to that? I just stood there, for what seemed like hours. Finally, I said, "Well, if God calls you someplace else honey, he'll prepare you're heart and it won't hurt quite so much."

After that conversation I walked into our bedroom and looked at Luke. We talked for a long time about whether we thought that Elizabeth had truly accepted Christ that night, almost a year ago, lying in her toddler bed. How could she understand it all? How could she believe? Then it hit us, we don't even get it. We don't nearly get it all. Who are we to decide if she's saved?

Psalm 139 is a favorite of mine for many, many reasons. The entire Psalm talks about the condition of the heart. As I read it and think of my precious girl, I see these verses in a new way:

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
verses 1 - 2

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. verses 23-24

Thank you Lord for already knowing the condition of her precious little heart. Search if fully Lord, so that she may be fully and completely consecrated to you.

PS-We have plans for her to talk about her salvation with someone outside of her family. It's less about us trusting her and more about getting to the true condition of her heart. I have many, many more thoughts about this, but I'll have to save those for a later post.