Beauty in death

Leaves flutter to the ground, their flecks of amber and gold whirring around on the wind, carelessly landing on the tops of sidewalks, cars and piles of other leaves. Our children dance and play beneath them, taking special joy when a hard breeze comes through our yard and they cascade down as if being painted across the landscape with the swooping of The Artist's hand.

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Golds, yellows, greens, reds, browns. When poised among the same branches, the beauty nearly takes my breath away. As we drive down the road I find my eyes looking to the landscape, the beauty of what is around me takes my mind off of the radio, the children behind me, my current life.

Fall has been my favorite time of year for as long as I can remember.

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The crunch of the leaves below the soles of my shoes, the need for bulky sweaters and the changing of warmer temperatures to cooler ones, no doubt this time of year brings me joy that no other season can.

Yet the irony of the beauty of the season this year is almost crushing. Because, the truth is heartbreakingly simple.

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There can be beauty in death.

Fall proves this yearly. As leaves wither and die, taking on new colors, shapes and textures they paint a beautiful portrait that can only be seen on the landscape of death.

As much as it pains me to admit that. As much as my current life season doesn't want to admit that truth. There can be beauty in death.

When death is hidden within the promises of Christ a breathtaking picture is revealed. Make no mistake, death apart from Christ is anything but beautiful.

Some dear friends reminded me of this truth last night as we talked with them on the phone across hundreds of miles. And, in the early days following Paige's death, I thought about it often and it would make me smile.

She's there. Seeing Him face to face. Worshipping wholly. Really living. Not this trite, vapor of a life that we have here. Real life. Lived right before the King.

There's beauty in that aspect of her death.

It's selfish to wish she was still here so that I could text her at night or skype with her during the week or ask her to sit and edit photos with me.

It's selfish to wish she could be here for birthdays, drives through the parkway in the mountains and to watch our kids while we go on a date.

It's selfish because I know that she doesn't desire to be here anymore.

I think about Mary and how she must have felt to watch her son hang on a cross. To watch his lifeless body be taken down and put inside a tomb. The grief must have been unbearable. Did she know she'd see Him alive again in a few short days? When she saw Him, did she embrace him as if it had been months since their last encounter?

Did she see the beauty in His death? Or was that only revealed to her once His death was abolished?

How her heart must have grieved while He laid in the tomb.

I know Paige is full of life, joyful and beautiful in the presence of her Savior. But I'd give anything to embrace her just one more time. To see her car ease into our driveway and watch her bounce up the walk. To sit with her over hot coffee or see her dance with our kids. For Ashlee to have the special time that was promised but never delivered.

The leaves spin down, dancing on the wind as our littlest girls squeal and dance along side them. Their delight is unmatched. The beauty of the season slowing falling all around them.

Beauty. Death.

Those two seem like an odd marriage. But in the shadow of the cross they make perfect sense. The beauty in Christ's death is redemption. Only by death is the richness of salvation possible.

I miss her so much. And yet I cling to the promise that one day, I will see the beauty in her death as well.

My treasured friend

Almost exactly four years ago a super skinny college girl walked through our front door and into our life. I was uncertain about leaving my babies with a stranger and, though she's never said it, I think she was a little uncertain about me too.

I asked a lot of questions, gave a lot of instructions and had high expectations.

At first, I cautiously left our young children with her in small spurts; to run quickly to the grocery store for a gallon of milk or to pick up a prescription.

But over the course of a few months, I could see that I had every reason to trust her with my most treasured possessions. My babies. She met, no exceeded, my expectations.

Back then, we were just barely more than acquaintances. While I cared about her, we both kept our distance emotionally. There were hard questions I wanted to ask her about her walk with the Lord but I was afraid of offending her, or worse, scaring her off and being left with out help. She was good and I couldn't afford to lose her.

We functioned in harmony almost immediately. She loved on our kids and I could tell she genuinely cared about them from the start. Weeks rolled into months and months into years. And somewhere along the way that super skinny college girl became one of my dearest friends.

Two years ago, she and Nick got engaged.

Sixteen months ago, they got married. She was a stunning bride.

Over the last three years, Luke and I have had the privilege of calling Nick and Amanda our friends. Our dear friends. Somehow, in a delicate balance, Amanda has continued to work for us and, if anything, our relationship has been strengthened by her being here nearly every day.

And this is where the story gets sad. Well, at least in some respects.

In about a month, my dear, beautiful (and still ridiculously skinny) friend will deliver her first child. A daughter. Yesterday, I had the extraordinary joy of taking her maternity photos.


As I stood behind the camera, knowing what my camera had captured of Nick and Amanda over the last two years and what was yet to come, I continually choked back tears.

While I'm thrilled for them to experience the joys, trials and overwhelming love of parenthood, I'm going to miss this girl so much.


Instead of taking care of other people's kids, she gets the joy of caring for her own child and being a stay-at-home Mommy herself.


And while I'd never want her to forsake her calling to be a wife and mother exclusively, I'm just not sure how I'm going to function throughout the week with out her smile, friendship, love and warmth walking through my door consistently every week.


I know I'll still see her all the time. I know that our kids will get to love on baby Harper regularly. Because, the truth is, Nick, Amanda and baby Harper, they're not just our friends anymore.

Over the last two years, they've become our family. Treasured family.


Amanda and I have moved from once-awkward roles to nearly like sisters. She calls me out on the things I need to be called out on and gives me access to her heart and front row seats to her life. I'm just so blessed by her.


So while my heart is sad at the changes that are to come, I know that the joy ahead is worth this momentary sorrow.


My beautiful, loving, thoughtful friend is becoming a mother. The mother she's been preparing to be her whole life. The mother that God foreknew she would be before the world was set in motion.


And I have no doubt that she will be wonderful at motherhood. Not only because of the years of practice she's had with other people's children but because of who she is.

I praise the Lord for the blessing of her and that super skinny college girl that walked into my home four years ago.

I treasure her more than she could know.

Olivia is FOUR!

Tomorrow will be four years that our lives became forever changed. I remember scooping up a 4 month old Aaron and heading to the laundry room to change his diaper. My phone rang and I looked at the caller ID to see that is was our social worker's number.

"Hello?" I answered, assuming it was just a call about Aaron's case or to set up a meeting or something of the sort.

"Hey Jessica, I'm calling to see if you'd like another placement."

My heart flipped. I laid Aaron down and began unsnapping his pajamas as she outlined for me the details of a little girl who was a mere 4 days old.

Little did we know then that that tiny baby would grow into our beautiful, spunky, lively, loving, silly girl, Olivia.

Oh how I love this girl...


She so spunky, silly and fun. She adds so much pizzaz, life and JOY into our family. She marches to her own beat (and it's a good one too, because sister can break it down) and I love how much she loves life.



Her and her "twin" Ella are nearly inseparable. (Unless they're both in time out for their mischievous antics!) Those two make each other laugh like no one else can and act almost more like twins than Lucas and Ashlee do. How I hope that they remain as close as they are now their entire life.


She loves to be the center of attention, yet ironically, rarely lets me take a photo of her where she's not, ahem, posed.


At four years old we've discovered that Olivia has a gluten sensitivity and boy, she's a totally new girl when she's completely gluten free! She LOVES princesses, dresses and anything that's girly. Especially, her "beans."


I've just recently gotten confident enough to do box braids and twists and put beads ("beans") in her hair. She loves them and I'm confident they make her 100% sassier than normal.


She loves to dance and sing and can memorize a song after only hearing it once or twice. She's got a fabulous ear for music and I hope we can harvest that in her at an early age.


She's never met a stranger, being quick to introduce herself to new people and ask, with her mouth cocked to the side, "What's you name?"

Gosh, have I mentioned I LOVE this girl?


Her laugh is infectious. He's got agility like I've never seen before. She's a treasure that I pray we harvest well for the kingdom of God. I am so blessed that of all the mothers ever created, God chose me to be hers.


Happy 4th Birthday to my sweet, wonderful, vibrant, beautiful and joyous girl! Momma loves you so very much.

Winner, winner.

The winner of the contest on this post is Jennie Shellenburger!

Congrats Jennie! Contact me at beaverbunch (at) gmail dot com so I can mail you your Storybook Bible!

Technically, Mikaila was first but she said she already had a JSB so Jennie is the first runner up. Like Miss America except with less tears and make up and there's no swim suit round.

Winner, winner chicken dinner. Jennie, if I don't hear from you by Friday, I'll go on the the next person. Cool beans?

A mothering milestone contest!

In 2002 it was 50% of our household.

In 2004 it jumped to 67%.

In 2006 it rose again to 80%.

In mid-2008 it climbed to a staggering 83% of our household.

By the end of 2008, when I thought it couldn't possibly get any higher, it rose to an all time high of 86%.

In 2010 it fell just a bit to 75%.

In mid-2012 it was 56%.

Today, a milestone in our home, has lowered it to the lowest ever at 33%!!! Yipppeee!

In 10 years it's not been even in the neighborhood of the 30s until today, which brought me a glimmer of hope, people.

If you can guess what these percentages are referencing, I'll mail you a paper copy (or buy you the Kindle or Nook copy if you live outside the continental US) of the Jesus Storybook Bible, our family's favorite story time Bible.

To enter, simply leave a comment with your best guess. The most precise guess wins! You can only enter once per user id. If your user id doesn't take me to an email or way to contact you, please leave that in the comments section also in case you win!

* I have not been compensated by the Jesus Storybook Bible or Zonderkids for this post, I simply love this Bible.

** If I texted you the big news this morning, you're automatically disqualified. Sorry!

Entries accepted until 12:01am Saturday, October 6th, EST. Happy guessing!

Take heart

I'm generally an outspoken girl. I know you all are shocked to hear that.

But lately, I just can't seem to form the words. Actually, that's not true. I can form words. But the words that mesh together in my head, then form into thoughts and beg to spill from my lips are not exactly words that many people want to hear.

I go to a Bible study on Thursdays. This is my fourth year and I'd recommend it to any and every one who loves to study the word of God or wants to learn how to study the word of God or just needs 2 hours a week with some of the most amazing women on the planet.

I also go to a Bible study on Monday night with some of my closest friends. Sometimes it's more of group therapy than Bible study. But they challenge me, convict me and encourage me like few people can.

I'm also working through a Bible study with 3 other close friends. We're reading through the book of Ruth. I've always loved the book of Ruth.

Ask me about my Monday night study. I avoid going because I simply don't want to hear about any more struggles with any of my friends. Selfish, I know.

Ask me about the Ruth study. I've been on week 3 for about 3 and a half weeks.

Ask me about the Thursday study. Am I reading through Ephesians like all the other women? Not exactly. We are entering week 3 and I've yet to crack my workbook open outside of class time.

I sit in my small group time and listen to well intentioned women give their best efforts at encouraging and convicting snippets of information, all while perfectly holding a warm cup of coffee and wearing brightly colored capri pants and a snappy little cardigans. I look around the room and wonder what the hidden tragedies are in their lives. What words, songs, smells or memories cause hot tears to spring to their eyes in a matter of seconds? Do they even have those stories?

We sit in a circle and they share their convictions of the weeks's lesson and I look at them and wonder how on earth they can just sit there and talk about the glory of God.

I know they mean well. I know that some women in my group have faced tragedy that I pray never befalls me. One of the women in my group is walking a road that sickens me and causes me to sob on demand.

These women, they have wisdom and insights and knowledge that at any other time in my life, I'd leap at, cling to and scribble in the margins of my workbook.

But right now I'm struggling to understand, comprehend and flat out accept the sovereignty of God.

We're planning a beach trip soon and we're also planning a trip to go see our "oh-my-word-our-families-are-so-similar-its-scary" friends sometime in the near future. Yes, we drive a 15 passenger van. No, we cannot fit all the crap we need to function our luggage into our van when we travel places that require more than one night's stay. Therefore, the last two times we've travelled, we've had to rent an enclosed trailer. So I did a little search on Craig's List and found one listed very cheap about an hour away from us. We offered the seller significantly less than the listing price and he accepted. For approximately the cost of two rentals, we bought a trailer.

Only God.

Yesterday we packed up the kids and drove the hour or so to pick it up. When we got there we began to make small talk with the seller. He and his family had moved from California to the east coast and he bought the trailer for the move.

"Why did you move here?"

"To attend seminary,"he answered.

Turns out, he is attending seminary at the same place Luke and I have been taking online courses for Africa Inland Mission's Bible training requirements. Noticing that the seller was from another country, we asked him if he had plans to go back to his home country.

"Yes, I came here to get my degree so I can go back home and plant churches there."

I stood there, dumbfounded.

Seriously, God? Church planting?

We shared our own calling with him, I made small talk with his very pregnant wife, Luke prayed with him and then we drove off, almost feeling like we were stealing this trailer because we bought is so cheap.

On the way home, I shared with Luke, my inability to understand God's sovereignty.

"How is it that in less than 24 hours from the time I decided to look for a trailer, we are driving home with one that we got for so cheap? I'm having a hard time reconciling this with God. I mean, we didn't pray for a trailer it's just a blessing that God provided. Yet, I've prayed and prayed and begged God for some serious desires of my heart and yet, I don't hear or see anything in regards to them. I'm angry."

And that's where I'm at folks.

How can a God who is in the details of our lives seem so distant? So far? So.... uncaring about my heart and the lives of those around me?

And, I don't mean this as harshly as it's going to sound, but please save your trite, customary responses. I don't need to hear "God has a plan" or "Time will heal" or even "Judge your circumstances by your God not your God by your circumstances."

Because if I'm being honest, life seems unfair right now.

I'm watching a friend grieve the loss of the daughter she's carrying in her womb. She knows her death is inevitable and there's nothing she can do to stop it.

Another friend is going through emotions I cannot fathom as her due date approaches for a son she delivered too many weeks too soon. Instead of growing uncomfortably large, anticipating sleepless nights and round-the-clock feedings, she's navigating the pain of knowing her due date will come and go and no baby will arrive as scheduled.

Another friend is struggling with health issues. Words like cancer and brain adenoma are being thrown around. And while not currently life threatening, it's scary because, dear God, she has 3 boys to raise.

Our plans for Africa seem to be ever changing and my heart is grasping at something to hold firm because I need something to be certain, sure and unwavering.

Not to mention, you know, my friend died and today marks two months.

Two months.

And in two month's time I still can't wrap my mind around why God would chose to take a perfectly healthy 20 year old girl who loved Him deeply, with zeal and with a reckless abandon. And everyone around her knew it.

So I sit. In Bible studies I sit. In church I sit. I listen to others tell me about how glorious and marvelous and faithful God is and I just sit. I take it all in but my voice never dares speak.

I try to pray and instead melt into tears and wonder if the desires in my heart are really what God wants to even give me because, damnit, it sure doesn't feel that way.

Yet even in this, I know.

He is faithful.

He is good.

He is trustworthy.

He is righteous.

He is Lord.

As the earth seems to tremble around me and I question sovereignty and meaning and why life seems to suck for nearly every person I know, I take heart.

I take heart.

Clinging to the promises that He who says who He is, is true. He is my true north.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

(John 16:33 ESV)

September 2012 Newsletter

Several years ago, when we set out on this journey of missions to Africa, we told God that we would go wherever He called us. We meant it. If God called us to go to unreached people, we’d go. If He called us to stay right where we are, we’d stay. If He asked us to go for multiple terms, we’d go. If He asked us to go one term, we’d do that too.

Ashlee and Paige, family trip to Paige's college - April 2012

Our desire is to experience Jesus like never before. We’d been on the mountain top with God and our desire is to be in His presence as much as possible, experiencing intimacies with Him.

Aaron and Paige, family vacation - May 2011

It’s been a hard summer for our family. As most of you know, in July, our family lost a very special person. Paige is a young girl we’d been discipling for over 5 years. Over the years, she became a part of our family. She went on vacations with us, helped us shuffle kids to and from events, spent countless hours around our kitchen table and playing games with our family. Her unexpected and sudden death has rocked our family.

Olivia and Paige, family vacation - May 2011

In light of our challenging summer, we put all of our speaking and support raising engagements on hold. We began just trying to survive day to day without our precious friend.

Jessica and Paige - 2008

As we made our way through our days, we began to wonder if maybe we shouldn’t ask God for confirmation on our calling to Kenya. As we prayed, we felt God moving us to consider some other options.

Paige and the kids - family trip to Paige's college - August 2010

To make a long story short, we have decided to take a SHORT TERM trip with Africa Inland Mission.
A short term trip with AIM lasts anywhere from 3 months to 12 months. The support goals will be significantly less and, our prayer is that our family will still get to travel to Southern Kenya where our hearts are still burdened for the unreached Duruma and Digo people. Our hope is to return there full time after our short term service period has ended.

Paige and Lucas have special time - July 2012

Currently, the short term department at AIM is researching our assignment options.

Luke, Mary and Paige - our first discipleship weekend - 2009

Will you pray with us that:

* God will make clear the assignment He desires for our family.

* We will hear His voice and see where He is moving.

* Our prayer and financial support will continue to increase. Even going short term, we still will have support needs that need to be completed.

* Our family will continue to heal the loss of our beloved Paige.

Elizabeth and Paige, family vacation - July 2012

Thank you for joining us on this journey. You are so faithful.

Blessings,

Luke, Jessica, Elizabeth, Lucas, Ashlee, Aaron, Olivia, Ella and Abigail Beaver

My Elizabeth is 8!

Over a month ago it happened. My first baby turned eight.

Eight.

My mouth hardly is able to form that number without a lump in my throat. How am I even old enough to have an eight year old?


God certainly knew what He was doing when He gave us Elizabeth as our first born. Oh how my heart swells with love and pride when I think about her precious heart, her giving spirit and her desire to continually help.


She's the BEST biggest sister. Even if I could have dreamed up a first born, big sister for our army of children, I doubt my best and wildest imagination could have ever designed Elizabeth. Nearly always patient, eager to help a younger sibling, loving, gentle, kind and caring - she is exactly what our younger children need in an oldest sibling. Never too big to act silly enough to elicit a giggle or laugh from one of the younger ones or too proud to allow them to smother her with kisses. Often, she's way more patient than I am and she teaches me continually about grace and mercy.


How could I ever make it through my days without this girl? She showers me with hugs, help and love. And I am just so, so thankful for the young woman she's growing to be, the young lady God desires her to grow into and the friend I will one day have in her.


She's sassy. She has a style and a way all her own. Eight is a fun age but a hard age too. She's just grown enough to do almost everything on her own while she still needs regular guidance, direction and input. It's a fine line to walk, allowing her to stumble when natural consequences would be the best teacher and gently guiding her when she needs direction before an impending failure.


She's an amazing forgiver, which is good because her mother makes regular, epic mistakes and has to ask for forgiveness often. Not too long ago we were all outside playing with some neighborhood kids. She and Lucas got into a spat and she over reacted physically toward Lucas. In my own sinfulness and over reaction I reached out and swatted her firmly, right on the bottom in front of her friends. It broke her heart. She ran into the house, tearfully, to escape certain humiliation.

I followed her quickly, realizing that I did no better than she had just done with her brother. Asking her for forgiveness she threw her scrawny arms around my neck, climbed into my lap and told me I was a great Mom and we'd always forgive each other.

Oh baby girl, how I pray we always do.


She humbles me, showing me often what real forgiveness, genuine laughter and unconditionally love looks like.

Man, I just love this girl.


I know harder days are ahead. Days where I'll be last person she wants to talk to, her relationships with her friends will take precedence and I'll miss her sassy eight year old self crawling up in my lap and begging me to cuddle.

So for now, I breathe her in. I take in every part of who she is: artist, friend maker, compassionate stranger, understanding big sister, Abigail's personal assistant, my sweetest, biggest baby girl.

And I thank God for the gift of her every single day. What a treasure He's given us in our oldest child!


Happy (Belated) Birthday Elizabeth! I love you so very much!

Click these to see Elizabeth when she turned seven, six, five and four.

Das Not Funny! Friday: Poop and weapons. What else do you expect?

I figured it's time for some laughs around this joint. I know I could use some. What better than a Das Not Funny! Friday to give me a good chuckle?

A few days ago I was in desperate need of a hair cut. I decided to take Ashlee over to my grandmas and let Elizabeth go with me. On the way over to my grandmas Elizabeth, Ashlee and I started talking about babies.

Y'all have to understand, Ashlee is a baby lover. She spends the majority of her day kissing, hugging, screeching in the loudest voice possible talking to Abigail and trying with all her might to make her laugh. So I figured it would only be natural for Ashlee to want several babies of her own.

"Ashlee, how many babies do you think you want to have when you grow up?" I asked, glancing in the rear view mirror.

"OH, NO! NO! NO!" she said, waving her arms in front of her, "I'm not having any babies. I'll adopt some though!"

"What?" I said shocked, "You don't want to have any babies from your belly? Why not?"

"Because," she said, as a look of terror crept across her face, "I don't want to be pooping any babies out of my butt! No.thank.you!"

------

We live in a town with limited restaurant options which means we frequent the same places often. The older 3 really don't need my help in the bathroom anymore, and when we're in a place that's smaller and if I can see the bathroom doors, I'll let them go on their own.

But, I'm always telling the kids that if a stranger approaches them in the bathroom they are to be nice and polite but if they start asking them too many questions they are to simply say, "My Mom is expecting me back at the table" and then politely excuse themselves and come straight to me.

One afternoon I took the biggest 2 girls out for a lunch date. Elizabeth went to use the bathroom and, of course, a few minutes later Ashlee had to go. Elizabeth emerges from the bathroom giggling, loudly, following quickly by Ashlee doing the same thing.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"Mom," Ashlee said through spurts of giggles, "Wizabets and I were in the bathroom washing our hands and I said 'Hi' to her..."

"and I said," Elizabeth interrupted, stifling her own laughter, "My Mom is expecting me back at the table."

-------

One of the ways we discipline Aaron is to take away any toy resembling a weapon. Just threatening a day without weapons makes his little 4 year old self straighten right up.

However, once those toys are taken away, I'm faced with a barrage of questions about when the next day will be when he can have weapons.

"Mom," he said, looking at me with his big blue eyes, "tomorrow, can I have weapons again?"

"Yes, buddy" I answered, "tomorrow you will be able to have them back."

"Good! Then I'm gonna cut your leg off. And you'll have to hop like dis" (insert a 4 year old hopping on one foot) "and you'll never catch me again and take away my weapons!"

Well, that's one way to avoid punishment. Or not.

-----

Yesterday morning he had his prized weapons taken away, yet again. As he played in his room he sang the following song:

"I'm Aaron. Da supa-he-whoa boy! I can fly through da air and kill all da emenies. But I can't use da weapons because my Mom took dem all away!"

Good to know his consequences are sinking in a little.

-------

At the beginning of July we were temporarily living at my grandmother's condo while our house was being treated for an outbreak of fleas. It's pretty glamorous to say your house is flea infested, by the way.

Anyway, one night Luke and I had tucked all our little babes into bed. We'd stuck Ashlee in the bed in the master bedroom because she was having a harder time settling down.

The door to the bedroom creeped open and her little head squeezed through.

"Dad? Mom? I need to show you something."

Luke replied, less than thrilled with, "What."

"You have to come in here," she said, almost whispering.

"Is it a green light on the ceiling?" Luke asked.

I whipped my head around, looking at him nearly in shock.

Ashlee, equally shocked said, "Yes."

"That's a light on the smoke detector. Go to sleep."

"Oh," Ashlee said.

The door clicked shut and we both started giggling.

A few minutes later the door reopens and she stammers, "That's not funny!"

The door slammed behind her. Yeah, actually, it was.

------

Olivia has beads in her hair. Something she's wanted for so very long but I've not been able to make happen.

Now, she enthusiastically runs up to me and says, "Momma! Wanna hear my beans?" as she frantically shakes her hair from side to side.

And all this time I thought it was a marble.

-------

Ella regressed a bit when Abigail was born and decided that poop was best made in her diaper, not in the potty.

The last two days, however, she's gone in the potty! Yay!

Yesterday I asked her if she had pooped a lot in the potty. "Was it a big poop?"I asked, wondering if she had really finished or just relieved the pressure until nap time and a diaper was secure on her bottom.

"Yep," she responded, her blonde curls bouncing around her as she flipped her head up and down, "a big poop. Daddy poops."

"Daddy poops?" I asked.

"Yep. Daddy do big poop. I big poop like Daddy!" She was real proud of herself.

I, on the other hand, while proud of the poop in the potty could have gone with out this information.

Y'all have a great weekend!

Just okay

"How are you?"

The words roll off their tongues as we casually pass in the hallways at church.

I think they stare at me a little longer than they used to. Maybe it's just my imagination. We've always gotten stares.

"I'm okay," I answer.

At least at this very second.

Why do we ask people that in passing? When we ask, do we really even care what their answer is? Or are we just trying to be polite?

I think it's just a miserable effort at polite. Because if we really wanted the answer to "How are you?" we'd stop, pull up a chair, lean in real close, look them in the eye and say, "How are you? All of you? Really?"

I'm guilty of it too, though. I've passed people in the hall at church or in the store or even asked my friends, "How are you?" and yet, I either already know the answer or truly, I don't want to know.

Luke said he's done asking people how they are unless he really has time to stop and listen.

I agree.

Sundays are hard. Maybe it's because I half expect her to come bouncing into the worship service with her shoes missing from her feet and her skirt swishing around her and a hat positioned squarely on her head. It's like somewhere, in my mind, this has all been a dream, a funeral I've planned in my head and it's not reality.

You know the ones. The funerals you plan when you can't get ahold of your husband or child or best friend and you're certain that they're dead somewhere so you just begin planning their funeral in your head?

Maybe that's just me.

But that's not the case this time, is it? No, there really was a funeral. She really is dead. (As Aaron likes to remind me. Daily. And every day I force myself to acknowledge him politely instead of sending him back to bed until he's 15.)

Elizabeth is writing a story about her.

Ashlee talks about her and laughs at her silliness.

Lucas randomly bursts into tears.

Aaron reminds me often that "Paige is dead."

Olivia sees silent tears streaming down my cheeks and asks me if Paige is "still at Jesus."

Luke is hurting, trying to find refuge in the things that don't seem to spark yet another memory of her. And folks, let me tell you, it's hard for our family to find things that don't involve memories of her. Nearly every song, nearly every place we've been to, someone's laugh in the distance, it all can lead back to a memory of her.

And most of the time, those memories come out of the no where, like a surprise to me. It takes my breath away and I want to drop to my knees and cry out with wailing sobs just like I did a month and 2 days ago on the floor of my kitchen. But usually, I'm in a crowd or sitting in church or just reading aloud to my children. So instead of wailing I pause, breathe, fight the burn of tears in my throat and eyes and try to move on.

And I hate every second of it. I hate that students are moving back to college and she's not. I hate that Grace is still here instead of in Kenya. I hate that something hilarious happens and I know how hard she'd laugh and so I reach for the phone only to remember that she'll never get my text.

I'm mad her BFF Mary has to walk the rest of her college years alone, without her.

I'm broken for her mother who has to figure out what life looks like with one of your children buried, in a box, in the ground.

It hit me the other day that, statistically, Luke and I will have to bury a child. My paternal grandmother had 4 children. She's buried 2 of them. My maternal grandmother had 4 children. She's buried 2 as well.

By sheer statistics, chances are that Luke and I will outlive one or more of our kids. That throws me not only into a state of fear but into deeper mourning, if that's even possible.

And yet somehow, amid all this emotion and confusion and pain and sadness, life must go on.

I must (and want to) still school our children and try to clean our house and keep up with the laundry and watch too many episodes of 24 late at night with my husband.

(Near) six month olds still have diapers that I need (and want) to change.

Two year olds must still be disciplined and tickled until blonde curls cover her pudgy cheeks.

Six year old girls still need late nights at the store with their Mommas, just to act silly and spend $3.00 trying to get a stupid stuffed animal from the rip-off game that is the claw machine.

Four year olds still need to have a play-by-play of our day as soon as his tiny feet hit the floor.

Eight year olds still need to sleep with Mom and Dad some nights just because she's a cuddle bug and I know her heart will be full the next day.

Six year old boys still need hugs and kisses from their Momma and a reminder that one day we'll be able to talk about her without crying.

Three year olds still need to dance during breakfast and sometimes, with their Momma.

Life goes on even though I wish, so desperately, it would take an extended pause and allow me to just sit in this moment, miss her, and my children not grow up by one more day.

But reality is that, for most of the world, their days have not been measured in days/memories/life before July 24th and a new life after July 24th.

I feel like I need to justify to people that our family is still pretty rocked by the death of a 20 year old girl. But the truth is, she wasn't just any 20 year old girl.

She is our Paigey.

The one that taught us that God is always big enough, there's always time to sing the Beaver song just one more time, Peanut M&Ms are best when shared with people you love the most, spontaneous dancing is always allowed, it's okay if you look like an idiot - the memories later will be worth it, God will never fail you - even if you feel like a failure yourself, being yourself is more important that being who others want you to be, discipling someone is painful, tedious, a lot of work but always fun and being discipled is crucial.

And so much more that I could never put into meager words.

We're still broken. We still miss her. I still fight back tears every, single day and especially on Sunday as I walk through the halls of the place where I first saw her face.

It's doubtful I'll be able to enter the youth area for a very long time. Standing in the worship center is more than my heart can bear.

So when you ask "How are you?" and I answer, "I'm okay." Know that at that very moment, I'm just okay.

Not better.

Not worse.

Probably forcing a smile and wishing I'd taken the route outside instead of through the church. Or wishing I was at Kmart.

I prefer Kmart over church because at Kmart, no one knows about her.

And typically, Sundays are the hardest days of the week.

So before someone asks me one more time how I am, let me cut them off at the pass and answer them.

I'm okay.

No more. No less. Just okay.

What happens when Mom is away?

( This is Luke and all spelling and grammar errors are not to be made fun of, and all pictures were taken on an iPod)

So Jess got away for the weekend.  She went up to the mountains with 3 other wonderful friends and sisters in Christ (and Abigail - I am not good enough to keep all seven for 3 days).

Many ask how we do it.  I will be the first to tell you we do not do it on our own.  We have loving Meme's, Maw's, and Nana's who desire to watch the kids often.  Great people around us who offer to bring us dinner on Friday night.  A great and very dependable friend to watch the kids while I go to work.  An amazing brother in Christ, who understands what I am going through, and I can be honest with and tell him I need time alone over the weekend to be with God.

So I didn't like leaving my kids with someone else Friday morning.  While I went to work.  While I am grateful to have a wonderful person to take care of them, the thought hit me of how thankful I am I get to leave every day and know they will be in the care of their Mom.  It really made me appreciate the heart of my wife and the ways in which we have structured our lives so that she can be the one to take care of them.

All we were doing is going to lunch at Burger King.  By the end of it, Elizabeth was crying and so was I.  She remembered sitting in the same corner booth with Paige and Mary.  She is every where.  Then Elizabeth started to ask questions of how I found out.  Who told me?  How did I react?  Where was Mommy?  

Ella and I have been going punch for punch, many times she wins and I make Jess take care of her.  She must have told me a dozen times, "Daddy I lub ew".  Oh give me more!!

You may ask "What happens when Mom is away?".  Here is a small glimpse.

Dinner in front of the TV.....

Watermelon in the bathtub.  I will spare you the pictures of that one.  <No I was not in the bathtub with them>

My six year old son waking me up the the morning to tell me "You have to come see this!"  I quickly follow him into the bathroom to find his morning deposit.  Again, I will spare you the picture <yes I took one, that's what Dad does when Mom is away remember>

Stat Wars anyone....

Daddy I hep (help) uw (you)....

Time at the library (read.... tried to go to splash park, but it was closed.  So then decided to play on the playground.  Aaron has to take a deuce, just after the community center closes.  We drive to Krispy Kreme to take care of his deposit.  I buy some coffee because I feel guilty for using their bathroom.  We have an hour to burn before Lucas is going to a birthday party)

Dinner at Mexico, as Aaron calls it.....

Anyone up for a little face painting......

To top it all off two hours of Nerf guns.  I think I pulled a hammy.........

We couldn't do it again, we tried.........

Maybe this should have been two different post.  The more I think about it, it all comes down to time.  How do we spend it?  When people choose to spend time with us, we feel the love they poor out on us and they become like family, and yes there are memories of them all over the place.  What precious time we had and how it was so well spent.  Yes these past few days had times of stress, but I will choose to remember the tears, kisses, tender words, and hits by nerf bullets.

Abigail at 5 months

Oh how time flies.

Even in the midst of sorrow, God gives me so much to be joyful about. Our sweet Abigail Mercy is five months old.

Surely someone has a magic elixir that can slow down time, right? No? Humf.

Here's Abigail at 1 month, 3 months and 4 months (I missed the 2 month mark, remember?)

At five months old Abigail is just the most pleasant, joyful baby.


Her bright eyes captivate me and her fuzzy head has hints of red hair. She is perfectly fine with her older siblings doting all over her, being in her face and making the most screeching noises imaginable. In fact, I think she kind of likes the attention because she usually looks at them with her big indigo colored eyes and laughs. Or makes a funny face.


She's beginning to like her lovey that we so originally named "Quack Quack." Quack Quack goes with us everywhere and Abigail enjoys her (him?) so much.


Of course, I'm not sure if her affections are genuine or driven out of her need to chew on something, anything, as she cuts her second tooth.

Yep, this girl already has 1.5 teeth coming in. She's pretty proud, I think. When Quack Quack isn't around, her fingers work just fine as a chew toy.


I was sure that she'd be an average sized baby, hovering in the 50th percentiles. Instead, she surprised me and was in the 80th percentiles, just like her sister Ella. She's already in 6 - 9 month clothes and size 3 diapers. I just love her sweet little leg rolls.


And her drool? It's nearly as sweet as honey fresh from the comb. Nearly.


She's sleeping okay at night, usually waking up 2 times and she still likes to be swaddled. She can roll from her tummy to her back and her back to her tummy.

This past week she perfected the art of sucking her toes.

She's tried bananas, but didn't really care much for them. She still loves to ride in the Moby wrap and now will actually tolerate (and sometimes even fall asleep!) in her car seat.

She's just simply a wonderful, joyful, happy baby and I'm so thankful for the treasure that she is to our family.

Happy 5 months sweet Abigail!


Want a comparison? Here's Ella at 5 months! Boy they look more alike than I thought.