Seeing Clearly Now

I was going to wait and publish this after Wednesday, but the thoughts just won't go away. I am mulling them over and over and over in my mind. Therefore, I knew I needed some blog-therapy. Fair warning now, this WILL be a long post.

To catch you up to speed, last Wednesday I went for Baby D's agency review. You can read about the last agency review by clicking here. Basically, this meeting is just for agency workers to review the case. The birth parents did not show up for the last review, but this time birth dad came. Birth mom was supposedly attending a class that is part of her case plan for reunification.

Anyway, as I was sitting outside the conference room, waiting on the meeting to start, I kept wondering if his birth parents would show up. As the time crept closer and closer, I was starting to think not. Then, I glanced up and saw birth dad. Immediately, my heart began to race. Something about him gives me the creeps. Actually, a lot about him gives me the creeps.

Anyway, he sat next to me and attempted small talk. Usually this is my forte. I mustered out a few comments and he finally asked me how his son was doing. I looked him straight in the eye and said,

"He's doing great."

Finally, we went into the tiny conference room. Public building are notorious for their uninviting chairs, tables and decor. This room was no exception. I made my way down to the furthest chair and sat. With a buffer seat in between, birth dad sat down next to me and then our social worker. Across the table sat 2 women, neither of which introduced themselves, so I can't tell you who they are. I think one is the supervisor for our social worker. This is my second encounter with her (the first was over the phone) and let me tell you that I have been none too impressed by her at either interaction.

The Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) supervisor sat at the end of the table.

The social worker asked birth father if he remembered how an agency review went. No one introduced themself, no one introduced me. No one hardly looked at me. I sat there, shocked that such little effort was made to ensure that everyone knew the protocol. Maybe there isn't a protocol?

Baby D's social worker began to unpack the latest developments in the case plan. She told how the birth parents had completed a portion of the case plan (an insignificant portion at that) and how they were working on a second part, which will require 90 hours of classes.

She proceeded to tell the panel about the latest setbacks in Baby D's case. As she did, I sat and stared at the birth father. I searched his face for any hint of remorse or guilt or shame. I saw none. He sat, with his head down, shaking it almost knowingly, casually acknowledging his mistakes.

Finally, the Guardian Ad Litem supervisor looked at me and asked me how Baby D was doing. He asked me if Baby D needed any intervention or therapy evaluations for developmental delays. I simply replied,

"Compared with my other 3 children, he is right on track. Our pediatrician hasn't seen any need for intervention. He is making eye contact, following sounds and cooing."

At that birth father began throwing in his two cents. He told the panel how Baby D played with his toys at the visits and how well he was doing with growing.

What?!?

I'm sorry, are you pretending to know your child? The child that has been in my care for the last 3 months? The child that you have spent a mere 40 hours with since his birth? My son who I have rocked and fed and changed and loved on for the other 2,120 hours? Surely you can't be!

As the steam began to shoot out of my ears, I hear the supervisor of the social worker begin to chime in.

She says, with the meekest disposition and almost in a whisper,

"Mr. --, It is our understanding that you and your wife desire to bring [Baby D] home with you. I want you to know that this is our desire for you too. We are here, cheering you on. However, the clock is ticking and you have a lot of work to do. You all need to work hard and stay out of trouble so that [Baby D] can come home soon. We will do all we can to help you."

My mind screams. My heart is pounding. She can't be serious.

Birth father mumbles something about working harder and trying to break bad habits. I didn't really hear what he was saying because I think my ears were bleeding.

The meeting is adjourned and as we stand to leave this same supervisor gives birth father one final thought. Still in the same voice she says,

"Now don't hold your head down. You hold your head up as you leave here. It's gonna work out. Okay?"

With that, I am doing all I can trying to get out of that room. If these people don't move, I'll push them over or crawl across the table....anything to get out. Still not acknowledging me, the supervisor sits quietly, as we all exit.

I go an alternate route out of the building to ensure that I do not encounter birth father again, much less have to endure an elevator ride with him. I don't think I would be good at holding my tongue at this point.

The errands that followed and the ride home provided me with enough time to cool off. I'm still processing it all.

Flash forward to Friday. The same social worker comes for a home visit to see Baby D. I like her and feel comfortable talking with her. However, our communication has lacked something to be desired. This meeting made me feel a TON better.

Without going into those pesky details that I am unable to share, I will tell you that I think that the social worker and I see eye to eye on more than I had previously thought. We both feel that it is unsafe for Baby D to return to birth parents as they currently are living. She also assured me that the progress they have made is not significant which is a word that DSS uses to determine whether or not the plan will change from "Reunification" to "Termination of Parental Rights (TPR)." Of course, as for now, reunification is still the goal.

I made sure she understood that I desired for Baby D to return home to his parents IF:

1. They became believers in Christ Jesus and had a complete life change.

2. They completed every last word of their case plan and remained drug free for the duration of his placement.

She agreed with me, at least openly on #2.

Okay, lastly, if you're still reading this...

This Wednesday we have another review. It's a new policy in NC and they bring in an outside mediator or something to review the case. They are unbiased and get only the factual information about what birth parents are suppose to do, what they have already done and any offenses they have made against their case plan.

It will be a rough day. It's scheduled for an hour long and we are suppose to take Baby D. That means I will have to sit there and watch this woman pretend to mother my baby.

I know that God will provide, I know He will bring me through, but right now I feel so bogged down.

---I love how God provides. Here I am writing this blog, focusing on the worst possible scenario and I get a surprise skype from Lindy. With the time difference, I was shocked to get a message from her.

I don't know what it is about her, and her in Africa at that, that brings me out of a funk. Anyway, a few minutes of skype chat with her and I am seeing clearly again. Last week, I cried to her and Joy over web cam. I'm thinking she may quit skyping me if I do not become emotionally stable. Ha! God continues to show me that I can make it thorough all things, I just have to remember where my strength comes from.---

Now, I KNOW I can face Wednesday, although I would still cherish your prayers.

Thank you so much.

Father, why is it that I doubt you? Just when I think I cannot see past the dark, you shine your light on my situation all the way from Africa. Thank you so much for providing people in my life that understand. Thank you for the miracle of friendships that seem to strengthen across miles and oceans and satellite feeds. Thank you for being a sustainer. Thank you for your promises and how you help me to remember them with clarity. You are amazing and I am continually in awe of how You love and care for me, even when I try to make it without you.

Five For Friday

What's the Point?

These thoughts are sparked when I think of The Thompsons and the people in Nairobi who live, day in and day out in the slums.

1. Is fashion really necessary? I mean, when we're dead, is God gonna stand there and say,

"Oh, you had matching shoes and purses for every outfit. Come on in!"

I mean, when it's all said and done, the cost of runway shows and $500 shoes could have been spent somewhere else. Somewhere where people don't have water or food or clothes or....

2. Why do we continue to freak out about the economy? Don't get me wrong, I know it's important to have a country that is economically stable, but we Americans freak out over every little thing. I think I'll start the freak out when our tap water is unsuitable to drink, or a radical group overturns the democracy. Yes, I think about and, on rare occasion, worry about the economy of our country. But freak out? Not so much. Yesterday, on our Christian Radio Station I heard someone talking about what you should do if your bank goes under. The speaker outlined steps to take to see if your bank is in trouble. Seriously?

3. What's the point of declaring a crisis, if it's not REALLY a crisis? Here in NC, gas prices shot over $4.50 in some places (I'm assuming that's true everywhere in the US today). People are FREAKING out. The lines at the pumps are a minimum of 10 cars deep. This is NOT a crisis. The hurricanes that will hit land and destroy homes, lives and possibly kill many people - THAT is a crisis. I find it hard to comprehend how we can stress about gas prices, but not respond after our neighbors loose everything.

4. Is it necessary to get excessively upset over differing political views? Once more, don't get me wrong, I think the election is important, and yes, I want my choice candidate to win. However, when November 5th rolls around, and a new president has been chosen, God will be the same. It won't make a difference if McCain or Obama is president, God will still be God. I sure wish that people (and politicians) could debate and campaign without slinging mud. It would sure make it easier for me to watch debates, speeches and forums.

5. What's the point of a bib? I mean, I see the simple use for it, but if you've ever actually used one on a child you know that their function is only for minor mishaps. None of my 4 children ever grasped the meaning of "minor." Usually, when the bib was removed, the ONLY clean spot was a semi-circle where the bib used to be. The shirt was still dirty and my child was still covered in his/her last meal. Spit up defies the laws of gravity and gets everywhere BUT on a bib. Who invented them anyway? Bet they were laughing all the way to the bank.

The purpose of this isn't to say that I am perfect or that I am not-guilty of doing/thinking/using any of these things. Lately, everything that I see in my life that others view as necessary (and I even think is necessary) I wonder about those people in Kibera. When I let the water run and get hot so that I can wash my hands or my face, I think about how much I just wasted and how many thirsty children I could have just hydrated. It all comes at me so much lately and I often wonder, What's the point?

Just for Grace

I've been telling my friend Grace that I'd post this on my blog. I keep forgetting until she, ever so abrasively, reminds me.

Now, I'm suppose to write tenderness about her....hummmmm

Grace tries to act hard, and I honestly think she really wants to be. However, her teddy bear innards are SCREAMING to be set free. One day, they will win and she will become a bundle of mushy goodness who loves to give hugs and cuddle.

I am amazed so supremely by this group of students who are now freshmen in college. Grace no doubt, is a prime example of the maturity of this group. Going to a large university could pose some challenges for a believer. Grace is taking them in stride, staying true to herself, and most importantly, her Savior. I admire her so much and I truly wish I could have been more like her when I was a freshman in college.

Grace has the phenomenal ability to calm down Baby D in a moments time. When he went through his colic phase, she was basically the bomb-diggaty to him. I call her the Baby Whisperer.

So, here's the video I promised to post. Grace is the one on the left, for those of you who don't know her. Actually, for those of you who do know her, she's still the one on the left.

I love you Grace. Come home soon!



As a side note to those of you who post on youtube: Apparently, whenever you title your video you are inadvertently placed into categories. You'd think a title of "Little Bunny FooFoo" would be harmless, right? Not so much. Thanks GK for changing it so many times so that it would be family friendly.

Normally Prejudice

**If you're going to read this post, you must read the entire thing. Reading it partially, you will certainly miss the point I'm trying to make and probably think I'm a prejudice jerk.**

Today, I get to go and spend some time in a place that always challenges me to evaluate myself, my prejudices and my interactions with others.

I'm not going to a political rally or a revival or even to a self-help conference. Today I get to spend some time at our county's health department.

I will go today to pick up more WIC vouchers for Baby D's formula.

Let me start by saying that my prejudices are not toward the people in general who need this incredible program. When I was pregnant with the twins, Luke and I took advantage of the fact that we qualified for the WIC program. We used and enjoyed our WIC vouchers for almost 10 months until our income became such that we no longer met the qualification requirements. Trust me, if we still qualified, we'd still be utilizing this resource.

And, when I say prejudice I am not speaking of racial assumptions. Yes, like everyone else, I can sometimes struggle to find balance in treating all peoples equally. However, this is not the prejudice I am refering to either.

When I visit our county health department, I find prejudice as a parent. I find prejudice as a citizen. I find prejudice as a tax payer.

Let me start by giving you the definition of prejudice. It may not be what you think. It is not specific to black/white relationships but rather

1.	an unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought, or reason.

2.	any preconceived opinion or feeling, either favorable or unfavorable.

I chose these two definitions because I feel that they encompass the emotions I feel.

As I walk through the doors of the health department I am greeted by no one. The receptionist sits off to the side of the lobby in an uninviting, cold, glass box. You may only speak to her when she takes time out of a pressing assignment to acknowledge your presence.

I make my way upstairs to a familiar waiting room only to be reminded that through out the health department the furniture is cold, hard and unfriendly. I make my way through more doors and down a long hall way so that I can check in.

I am sent back to the waiting room for my name to be called. If my appointment is at 2:00pm (which is the case today) I am not ensured that I will be promptly called at 2 o'clock. Instead, I wait, sometimes in the upwards of an hour.

I am now forming my opinions of this establishment. Why must it be so cold and hard? Why are these workers, though usually friendly, always rushed? Why is this building so....dirty?

As I sit, waiting for my name to be called, I must evaluate more of my prejudices. I see people from all races waiting for their turn. I find myself questioning them and asking myself how they could

1. Not be properly dressed.

• This includes wearing appropriate undergarments. Some women are clearly not addressing the need for "support" if you catch my drift.
  
• Clothing that looks as though it would be more suitable when used at a night club. More specifically a club that caters to gentlemen.
  
• Clothing that has vulgar messages and/or pictures

Let me say that I understand that not all people have access to a washer and dryer. Dirty clothing is understandable. Clothing that give my children a new metal picture that I wasn't ready for them to see it not acceptable. I'm glad that my kids are still non-readers.

2. Allow their kids to

• Crawl on a public floor. It's obviously dirty and their hands show the filth of a publically used building.
• Teethe on a public toy.
• Chew on a public chair.

3. Have little to no self control. The last time I went, I overheard a conversation between two other folks who were waiting. They discussed how angry they were for having to be there so early in the morning. They proceeded to tell each and every person that would listen how pitiful the service was and how terrible it was they had to wait. It was not a complaint made with tact, to the proper person but rather a public assault on the exact program that provided food for their family.

As I watch these interactions and events unfold I am reminded that all people come from somewhere. It is where you came from and what you know that, all too often, determines your social behaviors and your perception of what is acceptable.

I used to teach middle school in a low income school district. It was told to me that anywhere from 80-95% of the students were on Free/Reduced Lunches. This program helps determine the income level of the school district. Ours was one that ranked fairly high in the state when listed in order of poverty.

I loved these children, just as I love all children. The difference was, I truly had a heart for these kids. They took all of me and I gave all freely. It wasn't until I had children of my own that I realized just how much my students needed. It was then I had to make a choice. Who gets my left-overs? My students deserved a teacher that could give without reservation. My children deserved a mom that had fresh energy and excitement end of the day. I could not be both, so I chose my family.

I have so many good stories about my time teaching. Most of them are filled with laughter. However, some are not. I remember making a home visit one of the first weeks I taught. The house was barely fit to live in. There were maybe 11 people living in a 2 bedroom house. There were boards and plastic on the windows. No electricity. I doubt running water.

I kept asking myself, "How is someone living like this when just miles away there are million dollar homes?"

Another student I had....how do I say this tactfully.....became a woman at school. She began her cycle. I gave her a week's supply of sanitary products and explained to her the importance of using and changing them. Midway through the next day, it was obvious that she had not taken hold of the importance of frequent changing. I pulled her into the hall and asked her about it. She told me her mom said you only change it every other day, so you'll have enough. I was floored.

The point in those stories is so I can ask the question,

"What is normal? What is your background? Where do you come from?"

All of us are educated by something. The question is not lack of education but rather knowing where the education was received.

We all live out the customs that we were taught in our homes growing up. As with most of my students, they did what the did because that's what they knew.

These people in the health department do what they do because that's what they know. I will not judge them for their life experiences. I will not place my perceptions of their life on a scale weighing them as less. I say will not because it will need to be a conscious effort. I must remember Christ.

I remember when I was 10 and my mom and I moved to North Carolina after she married my step-dad. It was our first few weeks here and I kept wondering when it would get back to normal. Days and weeks went by and things never went back to normal.

You see, I was waiting for what I knew to be true. In my previous world, my Dad's side of the family was always together. We ate almost every meal with everyone squeezed around my Granny and Paw's table. There were aunts, uncles, cousins. There was lots of laughter and tons of food.

Here in my new life, little of that applied. It was a culture shock. My new family was wonderful, but based on my past education of family, they were weird.

As I head off for a day of reality checks and waiting, I challenge you to respond to the following questions:

What is normal for you and how does it influence your opinion of others? What role does your faith play in your perception of people who are different than you?

Happy Burfday, To My Baby Daddy

Seeing as how I'm slowly loosing my mind, I totally had a temporary memory lapse and forgot to mention in my post yesterday that today is Luke's birthday.

I would go into further detail and tenderness about how wonderful he is, but if you wanna read the mushy stuff click here or here.

Happy Birthday Luke!

Thanks for being my husband and my Baby Daddy!

I love you.

Truest Love

Lately, I've noticed that my husband has been putting forth a lot of effort to keep me happy. Don't get me wrong, he's always been considerate and thoughtful and wonderful, but lately, I've taken special notice. It's the small things like

* Washing bottles
* Sweeping and mopping the floors
* Doing extra laundry
* Telling me I'm beautiful
* Spending extra time just being with me and the kids
* Giving me extra time for me

Luke's always been different than most men. He's always been the type of husband that helps out around the house. He's always been the husband that comes straight in from work, changes his clothes then jumps into helping with the kids. He's always been the man that doesn't mind getting things done.

Lately, I've seen a change though. His nature has been different, his demeanor. Since we got Baby D, I've seen Luke through new eyes. Yes, we've bickered and been short with each other. Yes, there's been times of high stress and little sleep. But through it all, I've seen him continue to be a Godly example for our kids. I see how important it is to him with each of his interactions with our children. It brings tears to my eyes.

Just last night, we were watching TV. After a late snack, Luke gets up to take the chips back into the kitchen. He's gone a little longer than normal, but me, engrossed in TV took little note.

Later, he comes back to bed and tells me that he snuck into Lucas' room and spent some time with him.

You see, Lucas is now alone in his bedroom. Ashlee is now sharing a room with Elizabeth. That way, the girls can have a room and the boys can have a room. However, until Baby D starts sleeping better at night, Lucas is solo in his bedroom. I think he partially loves the quiet but he also misses having Ashlee in there with him. Until now, he and Ashlee have shared a room and their pre-bed and pre-nap conversations were a daily occurrence. We also just upgraded Lucas' bed to a big boy bed (queen size) and he LOVES it. It also makes it easier for us if we need to lay with him at night.

Anyway, when Luke returned to bed he told me how he had went into Lucas' room. He said that he longed to spend time with his son. Just typing that makes my eyes well up with tears. Being a child who feels as if her birth father doesn't desire her, it makes me so emotional to see a father who enjoys being with his kids.

Luke told me that he asked Lucas if he could lay with him and Lucas said, in a whisper,

Yes.

Luke crawled into bed beside him, tucked his arm between the stuffed animals, and placed his hand on Lucas' stomach. He told me how Lucas, who is by far the least cuddly of all 4 of our kids, just laid there and rubbed his Daddy's arm, back and forth, back and forth. I know, in my heart that Lucas needed Daddy time just as much as Luke needed time with his son.

Luke told me that as he sat in the silence, enjoying the moment with his son, he was reminded of how much he misses his own father. Luke's dad lives pretty far away and we usually only see him once a year. Luke remembered how little his father was around during his childhood. Then, he said, he realized how important his role is in regard to our children.

He reminded me how much he wants to be a Godly father for our kids, and how seriously he takes his role in their lives. He expressed just how important it is for him to raise Godly men, as Lucas and D grow up.

I have so many, many reasons to love this man. Just when I think that my heart could hold no more love, God steps out of heaven and into my home, pouring his blessings all over me.

I always thought you fell in love once and that was it. As I grow in my marriage, I realize that true love is love you work for. True love is a choice you make. True love remembers the little things and makes extra efforts. True love means that you love someone, even when you don't always like them. True love is kind, patient, gentle and humble.

True love isn't the number of bottles that get washed or the loads of laundry that get done.

True love is the moments you choose to share with the person you love most. True love is living together, working toward the same goal. True love is a reflection of the Father's love, which is merciful, forgiving and undeserved.

True love means falling in love with the same man over and over and over again and realizing that it never gets old.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

Holy Crap!

My Dad just called and wants me to do a 5K run/walk with him on Saturday. Guess I should probably run/jalk a few times this week! I only jalked once last week, although I must say the desire is still there and for me that's HUGE! I'll probably end up walking most of the 5K, but maybe just being around other people running will be an inspiration.

Don't worry, I won't over-do it (if you wondered that then you don't know me at all). Also, sometimes my Dad can have really great ideas that never come to fruition. Humm....sounds like someone else I know.

Guess we'll see...

Praying for Them

I've prayed and thought a lot about my emotions with yesterday's news concerning Baby D. Here's what I've come up with:

I don't want D to ever look back at his life and ask himself (or anyone else)

Why wouldn't my birth parents fight for me? Why wasn't I good enough?

I've asked myself these questions throughout my life and it's heartbreaking what these thoughts, these emotions and Satan's lies can do to your spirit. I think the reason I'm so angry with his birth parents is because one day, regardless of his final forever home, he'll have these questions surface and the emotion tied to them will cut his heart and leave scars. I never want him to feel that pain. Now, he will.

With that said, I've decided that I am going to take 10 minutes of each of my days this weekend (Friday, Saturday and Sunday) and pray specifically for D's birth parents. I ask you, that if God impresses it upon your heart, that you would join me.

I ask specifically that if you feel lead, to pray that they would be drawn to our Creator. That his birth parents would feel the love of the Father, the redeeming power of the Savior and the joy in a new life with Him.

Part of me doesn't want to post this because I know prayer works. I know that if I ask all of you to pray, and if you do, God may answer my request. With that, it may mean that they get their lives back together and he may return to them. However, I know that my God is big. I know that His love is endless and I know that I will never be able to begin loving these people if I do not submit to His desire. For now, I feel His desire is for me to pray for them.

I must put my own selfish desires aside and pray. Ultimately, my heart would forever rejoice if two more people joined the kingdom of God.

So, if you feel called, please offer up prayer on behalf of Baby D's birth parents, J and M. I appreciate you all so much and I know that, regardless of the final outcome, God is good, His power is mighty and His love forever faithful.

Thank you so much.

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
~ Zephaniah 3:17

Father, my God~
I am so unworthy of your love, your redemptive grace and your mercy. Father, you truly know the desires of my heart when it comes to Baby D's forever home. However Lord, I will be obedient to you. You have placed in my heart an ache for D's mother. You have offered to me a Savior worthy of nothing I can give. Lord God, reach into their lives, make their hearts receptive and their souls willing. Lord speak to them, just as you spoke to me almost 6 years ago. Draw them into your love and help them to see that a life in you is the only life worth living.

Lord, these prayers may bring consequences that I do not want to face. But God, I know that you are bigger than my broken heart and, Lord God, if it's your desire to return D to his birth parents, Father you will heal me and draw me to you, providing me the peace that only you can bring. Father, I love and praise you and ask in Jesus' name that you reach these people for your kingdom. Thank you for my salvation. I love you. Amen.

Tearfully Groaning

I got an email today from Baby D's social worker. She had a visit with the birth parents last Friday. I know I've said it a thousand times, but I will say it once more, I cannot go into details.

I received a lot of new news today. News that I cannot decide what to make of. Part of me leaps for joy while another part mourns the failure of the birth parents once more. Not too long ago, I professed to someone that I wasn't a crier. Well, I think it's safe to say that I am eating my own words.

Since we got Baby D, I have cried more than all the past 5 years combined. Today is no exception. I have no idea how to feel. Should I rejoice in their failure because that means more possibility of him being ours forever? Or, do I weep for this mother because I see the opportunity she's missing? My soul just can't make sense of it all.

I humble myself before God and ask for Him to restore them. Draw them to Him, make them clean. At the same time, I pray for swiftness and boldness with the courts. I pray that the judge would see them in all of their mess ups and allow him to be our boy, forever. My heart is so torn, my thoughts too jumbled.

I used to have this verse taped on the window above my kitchen sink. I knew that I was looking at it daily for a reason. At the time, it only applied to me in itsy-bitsy situations. Over the last 3 months, it has been the anthem of my Spirit:

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
~ Romans 8:26-27, The Message

Lord God! I am so tired of waiting. I love this child so very much. Most days, I look at him and forget he's not really mine. I know your Spirit is along side me Lord, helping me through this raging sea of emotions. I don't know what to say to you God. I don't know what to feel. Let your Spirit intercede. Bring your mercy to me and allow me the comfort that you so richly provide. As my Spirit groans oh God, hear the desires of my heart. Make me feel the love for these people as you feel love for them. Keep my sweet baby safe Lord, out of harm. I know that all things work together for your glory Lord, but I'm struggling to see the purpose now. Keep me before you God, keep me drawn to your unfailing love. Make these details of my life sing and dance together for your love, your will and your purpose. Amen.

More Than Bricks

Dictionary.com defines church as "a building for public Christian worship" (plus about 14 other definitions).

However, I know that church isn't a building but rather the people who fill it. I am so incredibly blessed to attend and be a part of an amazing church. Initially, Luke and I were attracted to Rich Fork because of the former pastor. He had such a way of expressing deep Biblical truths but with an air of ease so that new believers (or even non-believers) could understand and seasoned believers felt challenged. When he announced that he was stepping down as pastor, my heart sank. He was the biggest reason we'd chosen that church. What if the new guy sucked?

Let me take you back to April of 2002. Luke had moved to North Carolina to start working for my step-dad as a traveling furniture rep. I was still in Arkansas, finishing up my senior year of college. On May 4, 2002 I graduated and loaded up everything I owned and moved. It was the best move of my life. I was engaged to a wonderful man and moving into a fresh start. Luke and I had started to meddle in scripture and prayer but I was, by no means, a believer.

We had regular pity parties because we had no friends in our new town. We spent a lot of time hanging out with my parents and their friends. They were great but they weren't our friends. We bought a house in June of 2002 and I moved in while Luke continued living with my parents (yes, that's right). We were married in December of 2002 and quickly found some friends that we loved to hang out with. However, due to some outside circumstances, we once again found ourselves friendless. That's when we aimlessly wandered into the doors of Rich Fork.

Luke and I met the Madisons in our Rich Fork 101 class sometime in the Spring of 2003. Little did we know that they would continue to be close confidants and a connection to the most amazing group of friends. They invited us to their Sunday School class and Luke and I quickly realized that we had found a group of people to fill the void of our college friendships. God was graciously providing. I gave my life to Christ and found that these people, these believers, were actually a lot like me. I was amazed.

Luke and I had just gotten settled and involved when our pastor announced he was leaving. We talked about whether or not we'd move churches, since, as I said before, he was a huge part of our love of Rich Fork. We decided that we liked our friends too much to leave so we'd just stick it out, for now. I don't remember ever praying out this decision...now I think that's funny, and scary.

It's so obvious to me now, how out of touch I was with the whole "church" scene. Clearly there was an obvious choice to succeed our former pastor. When they announced that the nomination committee had chosen Michael, I jumped to my feet and applauded. I remember thinking so clearly,

Wow! Why am I standing up? This is really exciting! Wow, I'm really yelling. Okay, calm down, calm down.

In the following weeks we voted, as a church body to have Michael as our senior pastor. When the ballot came to me, I thought

Wow, so this is how this works. Some people may not like this. There is a possibility that he may not be our pastor.

Then it hit me. Why am I here? What does this church offer that all the others don't. The answer was incredibly simple:

The People.

I could go anywhere else, to any other corner in our town and find God. The only place that could find my home, my church home, was with these people.

In the last 5 years, God has continued to confirm that for us. We have the most amazing group of believers that we humbly call our friends. They hold us accountable, challenge us and, most importantly, point us to God. Most of them are also pretty stinkin' hilarious.

If you look over to the right side of this page, you'll see a long list of bloggers, over half of which are friends of ours who call our church home as well. I love these people for so many, various reasons. The least of which is because of the building I met them in. This past spring, Luke and I ventured down to the youth area. It's a decision I will never regret making. Once more, God led us to amazing people. Youth I feel privileged to call friends.

Check out these videos and pics and you'll see, just as I do, exactly why I love these people and I feel incredibly blessed to call them friends. They are hilariously amazing, unconditionally loyal and, most incredibly, tolerant of my frequent mistakes. God has so richly blessed me. Oh, and in case you're wondering...that new pastor doesn't suck. ;)

Our first "new" friends. The Madisons and the Hanners. Nice 'stash Phil!! I'm about 1,000 lbs heavier and I think Sarah's about 16 yrs old in this pic. Wow, have we all changed!


Ringing in a new year. Nice helmet 'Tiney!


Dorf (if you don't know Dorf, google it)


Baby D and The Thompsons. Another example of God's perfect timing.


Birthday celebrations are much better with friends.

Our amazing friend Britt, aka "girlfriend" doin' her thang.





This is a video from almost a year ago. I tried to edit some of it b/c it was almost 8 minutes long. It might be the funniest thing I've seen in a while.

This was at our house last Saturday night. Yep, that's our Pastor Micheal (the one I mentioned above) racing Kevin K. I think he was having flashbacks to the Faster Pastor race.

Heart Changes

This morning, I woke up at 6:15am (yes, that's correct). Have I mentioned I'm not a morning person? I did NOT bound out of bed, but I did manage to maintain some sort of coherent brain function because at 6:35am I got out of the bed. By 6:40am I was pounding the pavement. I did well, running for almost the entire 20 minutes. I knew that I had to be home by 7:00 so that I could shower and get ready for Classical. It felt so good to be out there with the cool, crisp morning air.

The last few runs I've listened to Podcasts, because in the past music didn't distract me enough from the actual task of running. This morning, I felt like God was saying, just listen to the music, and with it worship me. So, I did. I even caught myself attempting to sing some (I say attempt because I hardly had breath to sing with). I kept telling Him that I couldn't believe He's placed this desire in me. I haven't dry heaved once since the running thing began. It's so unlike me. It made me think about the other changes that He has made in me. As I look back at the "old me" and even the me that has changed since when I first believed, I can see such a drastic difference. The thing that baffles me most is that I'm still ME. I'm still the same old Jessica, just different, newer, cleaner. Let me give you some examples:

1. I've always been the loud person in the group, usually saying everything that comes to mind. Those of you who have only known me in the last 5 or so years must be saying to yourself "Is that different from now?"

Yes, it is. Drastically. I have always had issues controlling my tongue. I'd say anything to get a laugh. I would use profanity to accentuate my stories and often incorporate lies into what I told just to see others laugh and get their approval.

In the last few years, God has shown me how much these words and lies destroy my character and my heart. Although I still slip and say things that are not a blessing, I now have fewer and fewer thoughts that spur these comments. I see the change in my heart and I can only give God the credit. If left to myself, I'd still be walking down a path of destruction with my mouth leading and proclaiming the way (James 3:1-11).

2. Laziness has always plagued me. It has manifested itself as procrastination, a dirty house, spending extra money on things rather than maintaining what I already had and obsessing over the most trivial of tasks as to avoid major ones. Very few times in my life has laziness not been an issue. Usually, those times were only when deadlines were hours away or if negative consequences were attached (like running for punishment for example...sorry, I couldn't resist).

Now, I look at my life differently. Although I still struggle to keep my house clean, I know that good time management is essential for the upkeep of my family. I'm still not where I need to be, but I'm so much further than where I started. I know my roommates from college probably wonder what my house must look like with 6 people living in it. Thankfully, God has placed in me the desire to keep things somewhat pick up. I'm not OCD like some of my friends (who I'll graciously let remain nameless) but I'm not the person I used to be.

3. The most un-obvious (is that a word) yet most dramatic change must be my heart. I know this encompasses the majority of my behavior changes so I'll just address it here and leave it be. From the outside looking in, one may not notice this heart change. However, for me it has been huge. Behaviors have been modified, eradicated and eliminated because of the new condition of my heart. The way I feel about others and the way I feel about myself is so totally different. It's indescribable.

I used to be so judgmental, so condescending, so hurtful of other people. I allowed all types of negativity into my mind and heart. I had no regard for the people around me. Everyone was for my disposal. How could these people serve me? Now, my heart is becoming that of a servant. I see that I need to serve others. I need to allow myself to experience their hurt, their pain, a day in their shoes. While the old me's thoughts drifted to those of persecution and judgment, the new me thinks of ways to help increase the quality of the lives of others. I still have a long way to go.

Nothing can describe or have created this change other than Christ Jesus. I could not change myself. Nothing could save me from the life I had before. Although I still have so very far to go, nothing or no one else could have made this change in me. I now desire to do God's work. I desire time with Him, I long for His presence (Phil. 2:13).

The point is, I could not continue in my old ways and proclaim to be changed by the blood of Jesus (1 Cor. 6:9-11). I know, I know, all this sounds so "churchy." When the old me encountered people who said the things I'm saying they sounded so "Holier than thou." The truth is, I sometimes think things and wonder, is that really me now? Am I really that much different? Or, is it just easier now? Is it easier to be free from sexual sin because I am married? Is it easier to be free from the destructive lifestyle of parties and alcohol because I have the responsibility of kids to keep me grounded? It is easier to watch my mouth because I have little ears listening to my every breath? The truth is....I don't know. What I do know is that I don't feel the same as I did before. I don't think the thoughts I used to think. I don't feel the anger, the hurt, the dirt I used to feel. Certainly that can't be attributed to a change in my environment. Only one Person, one Spirit could change me from the inside out.


I often ask myself, do others see me as Christ follower or a Bible beater? My prayer is that my life is a reflection of love. That as I shed the clothes of my old self and I put on the cloak of my new person, that my life will reflect the true love I have for my Savior, Jesus Christ (Ephesians 4:22-24).

If you hear an air of authority in my voice, if you hear an ounce of holiness, if you see a speck of self-righteousness know that it is not of my own accord that I have been made new. I am new because of He who lives within me. I have changed because of the love of the Spirit inside. I am a DAILY sinner. I still struggle with things that I wouldn't dare mention to close friends, much less on a blog. I am still so fallen, I am even still so very sinful. The good news is that He loves me despite it all.

I think back to the old me just 5ish years ago. I think back to the way my mind worked, the way I WANTED to be important. The way I struggled to give God glory because, quite honestly, I wanted all the glory for me. I remember thinking that I should get some credit. After all, I was a good person. I think about how much I've changed, yet how much I'm still the same old me and...I stand in awe. I love this verse I just found on BibleGateway.com:

“The Lord your God will change your heart and the hearts of all your descendants, so that you will love him with all your heart and soul and so you may live! The Lord your God will inflict all these curses on your enemies and on those who hate and persecute you. Then you will again obey the Lord and keep all his commands that I am giving you today.

“The Lord your God will then make you successful in everything you do. He will give you many children and numerous livestock, and he will cause your fields to produce abundant harvests, for the Lord will again delight in being good to you as he was to your ancestors. The Lord your God will delight in you if you obey his voice and keep the commands and decrees written in this Book of Instruction, and if you turn to the Lord your God with all your heart and soul.
~ Deuteronomy 30:6-10

I love how the Lord of creation decreed this for His people thousands of years ago, yet it still explains my heart today, in 2008. I love that the Lord knows me better than I know myself. I love that He keeps His promises. I feel the abudance spoken of in those verses above. I feel the change in my heart. I feel His blessings and it's all because He chose to call me. I'm so glad, for once, I listened to someone other than myself.

A Good Day

This morning, I got up and ran for 20ish minutes. Yes, me, running at 6:45am I can hardly believe it.

We also started our first day of Classical Conversations today. I am tutoring the 4 year old class. Today I had eight 4 year olds. It was so much fun and went so much more smoothly than I could have ever anticipated.

I'll post more later. I'm exhausted!

This Week

Tomorrow is Labor Day so Luke will be home from work (Yay!). I love it when he's home with us all day and it's not the weekend. It's so much fun for me and the kids. I anticipate tomorrow being relaxing and fun.

Tuesday, we begin our homeschool group of Classical Conversations. I will be tutoring Elizabeth's class of 4 year olds. I think there will be about seven 4 year olds in the class this year.

Let me attempt to explain the program of Classical. Basically, it's memorization of tons and tons of information. The goal, as I understand it, is to create "pegs" in the child's brain. You do this by pouring information into their already sponge-like brains and reinforce it with songs, chants, hand/body motions and acronyms. As they recite these bits of information, the pegs are knocked into place more securely.

The reason you want them to memorize so much stuff is so that when the information is later addressed, they will have some sort of background knowledge to build from. As a former public school teacher I can tell you that background knowledge is hard to come by. Often, students would enter my classroom only knowledgeable about the things in their immediate environment. Trying to tie an in-depth unit study of North Carolina to any background knowledge was like trying to hang a coat rack with jelly, impossible!

I am excited to see what all Elizabeth will learn this year. Although I am not expecting her to understand all that she will be learning, I do think that she will build a base of knowledge that we can grow upon for years to come. Here are the main categories of information that she'll be memorizing. Keep in mind that Classical lasts for 24 weeks. We will memorize one thing in each of these categories over those 24 weeks.

> English Grammer - this includes verb tenses, verb forms, sentence patterns, types of sentences and parts of speech
> Science - this year we will study the Human Body
> History - this year we study American History. With this she will learn the Preamble to the Constitution, all the US Presidents, the Bill of Rights as well as 22 other meaningful history sentences relevant to our country, it's freedoms and notable dates.
> Math - this includes forms of measurements and things as complex as the Distributive Law and how to find an atomic number of an atom
> Latin (yep, you read that right)
> Bible - She will memorize the entire chapter of John 1 (oh, and this will be in English and in Latin, incase you're wondering)
> Geography - including all 50 states and their capitals plus 20ish other geographical bits of info (such as the Great Lakes, Major Bays, Rivers, and Mountain Ranges)
> Fine Arts - including how to play the Tin Whistle, drawing, and info about several great Artists (ie. Grandma Moses and Georgia O'Keeffe

I'm guessing that she'll remember WAY more than I will, but that we'll both learn so much in the process. I'm nervous, but excited. I know it will be an adventure and I'm always up for a challenge. Here we go! Wish me luck...oh, and if you think about it, say a prayer!

Just So You Know...

1. If you keep up with my blog and genuinely desire to know more about our situation with Baby D, or if you're friends or family and have questions, it does not irritate me if you ask. I only get frustrated with people who ask in an inappropriate (insensitive) manner or if they are only asking to be nosy. I welcome your questions and comments, seriously. I'll let you know if you step on my toes.

2. I ran again this morning and IT FELT GREAT! I can hardly believe that I am typing those words in relation to running. I actually "jalked" more today than I did in my first run, plus I went further than I did the last time. I'm looking forward to hopefully getting a run in tomorrow morning before church or during the kids' nap time tomorrow afternoon. I can't believe I'm enjoying it this much. It's so not me. It helps that Luke is being incredibly encouraging and supportive. I have a remarkable husband.

Keep It To Yourself

I'm actually writing this post shortly after my last one, while bottles and dishes soak in the sink. After claiming I had nothing on my mind, these popped in and refused to go away. Therefore, I decided to sit back down, write them out and schedule this post to publish early tomorrow morning (Saturday).

If you've made one of these comments or asked one of these questions, don't be offended. But, I'm so freakin' sick of hearing them that I thought I'd give my usual response/answer to each of them, and along with it, say what's really going through my head.

**Warning, if you're easily offended, you might wanna stop now. If you have to stop and wonder if you're easily offended, you probably are....no offense ;) **

**It's probably also not terribly kid friendly. I'm pretty blunt. Parental discretion is advised.*** (haha)

Comments and Questions I'm SICK Of Hearing

Question 1. Wow! You really have your hands full! (Usually said by people who only have 1 kid).

Usual response: Actually, I have really awesome kids and they are usually a lot of fun to be around. I feel incredibly blessed.

What I would like to say: Yes, I do have a lot on my plate. However, your presumption that my "hands are full" indicates to me that you have already assessed my ability to do my job. Yes, this is my job. I am a full-time maid, chef, chauffeur, nanny, wife and mother (plus a few I'm sure I'm forgetting). I'm sorry that YOU feel you would be unable to do this, but during this season of my life, I feel that I am doing exactly what God has called me to do. My hands are not "full" they are overflowing with God's blessings. I wish you liked your kids as much as I do mine.

Question 2: Did his parents not want him? (spoken about Baby D, usually in his presence)

Usual response: They are still working a plan to reunify. I am unable to discuss details.

What I would like to say: Do you really think I would tell you, especially after asking in that manner? I mean, first of all, please do not talk about MY child like he is disposable, especially right in front of him. I realize that you do not think that he understands. However, getting accustomed to speaking negatively about him or his parents in his presence is not something I am willing to do. He is a precious, innocent, beautiful child, created for a purpose by God. He is desired as a member of our family and we will love him as such until we are told not to.

Question 3: How in the world will you ever give him back?
Usually followed by: I could never be a foster parent, I'd get too attached.

Usual response: God clearly led us into being foster parents. If He chooses for him to leave us, God will also help us through that process as well. (I'm usually silent regarding the second comment.)

What I'd like to say: My prayer is that I will never have to give him back. However, since God made it ABUNDANTLY obvious of His desire for us to becoming foster parents, we chose to be obedient. It was not a decisions we made overnight or spontaneously. I believe that because of God's great mercy, love and faithfulness, IF He reunifies Baby D with his birth family, God will also lead us through the emotions that would accompany that.

In light of your second comment about never being able to foster. Well, I think that if you claim you could "never" do something, you're speaking more about your belief in God than your abilities as a human. Luke and I are not super-parents. We did not have an exponential amount of love just lying around that we were not already using so we flippantly decided to add to our quiver. This is a God sized thing. We cannot do this alone. We believe that our God can work through us to accomplish things that we could not do ordinarily on our own. If you do not think God can use you in that way, I would challenge you to examine your relationship with Him. It may not be all you think it is.

Question 4: So, are ya'll done having kids? or So, you're done now, right? or Wow! Don't you know how that happens? (referencing baby making)

Usual response: Probably not. We'll just have to see what God has in store for us. (I usually just roll my eyes at the last question.)

What I'd like to say: I'm incredibly sorry that you don't enjoy your kids as much as I enjoy mine. Yes, I lay down each night exhausted. Yes, I have a lot of people to take care of each day. However, I do not see them as a burden. They are my joy. A pure gift from God. While I recognize that not everyone is called to be a parent to lots of children, the tone in which you asked indicated that you are unhappy with the children God already gave you. I think prayer and a sincere, open conversation with God would do you some good. And, you might wanna get to know your kids. They're probably a lot cooler than you give them credit for.

Yes, I know how "it happens." My husband is incredibly hot. I cannot keep my hands off him. I'm sorry you are not attracted to your spouse.

Question 5: When do you ever have time for the things YOU want to do?

Usual response: Luke and I find some time to spend independently and together. It's not a lot but it's good enough for now.

What I'd like to say: Yes, I have minimal alone/personal time. However, at this season of my life, God has not called me to be selfish. Being a parent means being selfLESS. I would much rather pour my time into raising caring, capable, God fearing kids, than be off by myself whilst hoping that my kids turn out okay. When my kids are gone and our house is empty we will find time to travel, read and knit (okay maybe not). Right now, I enjoy my kids because this time in their lives is so very brief. I'm sorry you don't want to spend time with your kids, as a family. It's really a lot of fun. Exhausting, but fun.

Question 6: Aren't your OWN kids jealous of him? ("him" being Baby D)

Usual response: They are really good with him. They love him like he's ours, just like we do.

What I'd like to say: Actually, our kids are crazy about him. They probably love him more than we do (okay, maybe not). Aside from that, he IS OUR KID. We don't differentiate between "ours" and "not ours." I could understand if you asked me how they were adjusting, but to assume that we make clear differences between the 4 children in our home is to assume that we are not loving this child with all our capabilities. I'm sorry if you feel that you do not have enough love to go around. Maybe you need more Jesus in your life.

Question 7: Now, which one isn't yours? or Which one is the orphan? or someone who already knows our situation points out to someone else That one is the foster baby! in front of all of our children.

Usual response: We are keeping the baby until a permanent placement is made. (If they can't figure out which one is the "baby" then they have bigger issues).

What I'd like to say: They all are "ours." We do not differentiate between "ours" and "not ours" just like God's love does not apply to "saved" and "not saved." He loves everyone regardless of their position. While we may struggle to love all people, the children in our home are loved as equally as humanly possible. None of them are orphans because each of them has a loving mother and father. I'm sorry that you have abandonment issues and/or feel the need to clearly isolate others.

-----
While I know that I maybe hypersensitive to these questions and comments, I also realize that many people are oblivious to the hurtful comments and tones that they use. We desire to love Baby D as if he is our child by birth and, with a few exceptions that we cannot control, we plan to do so until further notice. Once more, I am not trying to be offensive, but sometimes outsiders are oblivious. I do not mind answering questions, most of the time, as long as the person's heart reflects genuine interest, love and a desire to be uplifting. Sometimes, this is clearly NOT the case. It's offensive to me, hurtful and mostly, just rude. I try to view their questions in light of how I used to perceive things, before we were foster parents. I don't think I was that rude.

I remember very vividly about 2 years ago, being in the toddler class at our church. At our church, there is another family who used to foster but have since adopted out. As I sat there with 2 childcare workers, I listened to the conversation these women were having about 2 of the children in this family (that were also in the room). One child was theirs by birth, the other via adoption. Coincidentally, they are only months apart in age. These women sat there and openly discussed which was "really theirs" and which "was the crack baby." How hurtful! I know that these kids were not even 2 years old yet, but can you imagine having to go through life with that label? I pray for this family often.

I also pray, that if the Lord let's us keep Baby D, that outsiders will not continue to label him as an orphan, a foster baby or any other name that provokes feelings of negativity. I pray that others will become aware of their hurtful words and acknowledge that it is by God's grace that THEY are saved and it is by that same grace that God pulled this precious child out of a horrible situation and placed him into our family. I pray that God will bring into the light phrases and comments that I make that are hurtful and help me to see the error of my ways.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
~ Psalm 139:23-24

Random Rantings

I don't really have a specific thing on my mind, as I usually do when I post. However, I feel the need to write so I apologize in advance it this is all over the place.

First of all, today HAS NOT been a great day so far (yes, it's just 1:36pm and I'm saying that). Apparently, all 3 of the big kids woke up on the wrong side of the bed. On the way to gymnastics (it's at 11am) I had to pull the car over to discipline Lucas. He was screaming at the top of his lungs at Ashlee because she had her fingers in her mouth. Yes, I know, I don't get it either.

Then, I clearly set myself up for disappointment. Earlier in the week I emailed with our social worker because I feel that Baby D's parents are not being held accountable enough. He has been in care almost 3 months and they have not been "tested" regarding the main reason he was removed from care. As you know, I cannot go into detail, but I hope you catch my drift. The social worker told me, via email, that she planned on going to their house today during the visit (the visits are supervised by another social worker, so I don't believe that the regular social worker has seen them with the baby yet). Of course, I got my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, she was visiting them so that they could sign some paperwork. When the transportation social worker dropped Baby D off this morning, she told me that they all (her and birth parents as well as Baby D) had went to W@l-mart to get Baby D's pictures taken.

I almost threw up. So, these people have no income, no work ethic regarding the work it takes to get their baby back, but they can go to the photographer and "play family." UUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!! I can feel my blood pressure rising as I type this. I get so angry at them.

I must keep reminding myself Who is in control. It's not me, it's not Baby D's birth parents. It's not even the social workers. It is Him, my God who created clarity, justice, reason and love.

I love BibleGateway.com because I can think of the scripture I've heard before (but have no clue as the reference) go to the search tool and find exactly what I'm looking for. In this case, here's what I found:

Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne;
love and faithfulness go before you.
~Psalm 89:14

I suggest reading all of Psalm 89 if you'd like to know more about God's nature.

I know that what is just and true and promised will come out of this situation, but I'm so impatient and, quite honestly, bitter. I pray that God will provide me with a heart of peace, grace and mercy and one that understands that it is the journey that grows my heart, not the end result. I think I need a good run.

Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside.
I was so foolish and ignorant—
I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
~Psalm 73:21-26 (emphasis mine)

Sore, but Good

Today, my hips are sore, my calves are tight and every now and then I feel a twinge in my abs. However, it actually feels good to be sore. I haven't felt this way in a long, long time.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow's run--or "jalk" in my case (half jog, half walk).

In the meantime, keep praying for my little unspoken thing. I'm sorta getting nowhere, but I feel like something's coming. It's strange, but I'm excited to see what God is about to do!

Round 1 Run Complete!

So, I did it. I ran this evening after Luke got home and we had dinner. I can't believe I actually went. Yes, it was raining, but if I look for excuses I will find them everywhere. Like I told Luke, if I'm really gonna do this, I have to start today.

Lindsey, I don't think I'd make much of a running partner seeing as how I only ran about 40% of the time. Plus, you want to carry on a conversation? Yeah, right.

Thanks for the encouragement, from everyone. I appreciate it. We'll see how long this lasts.

I'm Gonna Put On, My My My My My Runnin' Shoes....Maybe

I've never liked running, ever. When I was in college, I played on the volleyball team. Our coach was hardcore and during preseason would make us get up 2 to 3 times a week and run. Our goal was to run a mile in 8 minutes or less. I know, I know...that's not incredibly fast. However, volleyball players are sprinters my nature. I never minded sprinting, it was the long distances, you know longer than the straight aways, that I hated. Each morning we ran our timed mile, I'd wake up (have I mentioned I'm not a morning person either?) at 5:30am, slip into my workout clothes and, while dry-heaving, tie up my running shoes. The dry heaving would continue as I walked the 100 or so yards across campus to the track. The closer I got to the track, the more I'd dry heave. I'm not kidding. Even now, thinking about it, my heart is racing.

The dry heaving would continue as our coach made us run an entire warm up lap. I felt that this warm up lap was completely unnecessary and I didn't understand why she would make me use up perfectly good running energy to "warm up."

Usually, I finished my mile in less than 8 minutes, but almost always I barfed afterwards. I would have to syke myself out with each step, saying something stupid like,

"The next time I'm right here I'll only have 3 laps left."

"Okay, just make it to the next line and then you'll only have 11 more lines left" (referring to the starting lines on the track).

Mental toughness when running was never my forte. I could handle practicing for 3-4 hours at a time, do sprinting drills, suicides, etc. but distance running....NO THANKS!

So, with that said why is it, I ask you, that I feel the need to become a runner? (There it goes again, my heart is starting to race.) Why do I feel this drive to run? Well, I've been following the blog of Lindsey Broere, a friend from my middle school days. I don't know what in the crap she's training for, but she's running like a mad lady. I think I read somewhere the other day that she ran for like 4 hours or something. Can I just say "NOT A CHANCE IN YOU-KNOW-WHERE!!!"

Nonetheless, I have felt called to run. Maybe it's because of the way Lindsey talks about the quiet time, or the consistency, or the way that she feels God is communicating to her thru the endurance and physical exertion. At any rate, I'm going to give it a try. I could use the toughening up and the opportunity to shed some extra pounds.

As I said before, I'm NOT a runner. I'll probably start off with a brisk walk and work my way up. If you read this, and you ARE a runner, I'd enjoy any tips you might like to share. For the rest of you, just PRAY.

And, if you see me, laying face down in the grass on the side of the road, don't be alarmed. I'm probably just cooling off.

****By the way, this is my 100th post! Yay!******

Going Public

Today I had the privilege of watching my 4 year old daughter boldly proclaim her faith in front of 500+ people. If you've been following my blog, you know that almost a full year ago Elizabeth prayed to receive Christ. However, because of my shallow faith, because of my lack of understanding, because I couldn't see her faith with my own eyes, I didn't believe her. Today, she was bold, today I could see, today I witnessed true believing.

Since Elizabeth had spoken with Bailey, we knew that she truly understood what it means to have Christ within you. Therefore, we asked her if she was ready to take the next step. We asked her if she was ready to proclaim her faith openly. The service we attend is the largest service time at our church. On a crowded Sunday, there could be as many as 700 people in the Multi-purpose Building (I'm really guessing. It could be 500 or so, I stink at guessing numbers).

During the time of invitation, Elizabeth did not waiver. She courageously walked in front of all of those adults and talked with "Pister" Michael about her decision. Along with 3 other people, she was presented to the church and after service was greeted by all of our friends and church family. It was an awesome thing to watch and I fought tears most of the afternoon. Just as Luke said on our way home from church,

"It's so awesome to know that we will get to spend eternity with our daughter."

I couldn't agree more.

Today also sparked a lot of thought. Why is it that Elizabeth needed to proclaim her faith? Why is that needed? What's the point? Is she more saved if she does this? Is it jut for show? I dug into some scripture and here's what I found.

1. Scripture commands us to speak that Christ Jesus is in our heart. The confession of our tounge, the act of willfully saying it, makes it true. Romans 10:9-10 says,

That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

See it? Right there is says, that in your heart you believe and with the confession of your mouth you are saved. Yes, she had already confessed it to me, Luke, Bailey and anyone that asked. But going public means more than just telling those you already know, it means telling people that you've never met. It means facing challenging situations and having the courage to speak it, outloud. My baby did just that.

2. I want her to be bold in her faith. As a beliver, I don't claim to know all the answers. Crap, sometimes, I look at opposing arguments, science and other things and wonder why I believe what I believe. Then, I have to dig to find answers. However, the first step is being bold. Knowing what you believe because it's real and alive and living within you. I like how it is explained in Colossians 1:27b-28:

And this is the secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory. So we tell others about Christ, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all the wisdom God has given us. We want to present them to God, perfect in their relationship to Christ.

What an awesome thing to know a secret that gives you assurance. What an awesome thing to know that it isn't really a secret! It's meant to share!

I'm such a proud momma today! I'm proud of my little girl for knowing that Jesus is, in fact, real and alive. For understanding that He lives within her.

I'm humbled that God would allow me to witness such an extraordinary event in my child's life. I'm humbled that God used Luke and I, as minuscule as our role was, to show her His love. Thank you Lord, thank you.

Answers and Updates

Okay, this will be brief and probably filled with typos, b/c I'm running low on time. I've got a DATE with my hubby tonight and need to get some things ready, mainly myself. However, I wanted to update on these things:

1. Elizabeth has in fact received Christ (click here for past post). Her friend, Bailey, took some time to talk with her about what it means to have Jesus in your heart. She answered all of Bailey's "questions" and emphatically proclaimed that Jesus, was in fact, living in her. I almost cried. I'm so proud of her and I praise the Lord that He is working on her little heart.

2. Baby D's colic is all but gone. The new formula is working nicely. Click here for past post.

3. I'm still looking to see where God wants to lead me. I feel as though He has laid a scripture on my heart, but it doesn't quite make sense. I'll continue to pray, and I thank those of you who are praying with me. Click here, if you don't know what I'm talking about, but want to.

4. My frustrations are still there because of the lack of progress with Baby D's birth parents. However, I've received some uplifting emails (even one from a stranger) and talked to some close friends. Together, they have helped me to see that I need to continue to rely on the Father. It isn't my own plan, but His. Click here for the last post pertaining to this.

Yay! Now I'm off to spiffy up for my date. I just love going off with my husband, even if it's for an evening. Each time I'm reminded exactly why I fell in love with this remarkable man. Have a great weekend!

Hidden "Treasures"

Alright, today's a two-fer blog day because I had to share this with you all.

Luke says I have the nose of a 'coonhound. He's right. I smell things far better than he does, and much sooner too. Usually, I can smell smoke, bodily functions (toots), vomit, etc. before anyone else in the crowd. I've had an unusually heightened sense of smell all my life, then I got pregnant and got the super-hyped sense of smell you get during that phase of your life. With most women,this souped up smelling goes away after childbirth, with me it did not. I can smell nastiness from yards away. It's a special gift and I'm still trying to decide if it's a blessing or a curse.

Anyway, for about the last week I've smelt this odor in our kitchen. It's progressively gotten stronger and was primarily located near our stove. We keep a small trash can the cabinet beside our stove so I've just been writing the smell off to stinky trash. Last night, I took out the trash and left the door open so that the cabinet could air out. This afternoon, it still stunk pretty bad. Upon inspection with my sniffer, I discovered that it was not the cabinet, but rather the actual stove. I assumed that there was a dead mouse or something under our stove and found the flashlight to inspect further.

I'm not a sqeemish person. Bugs, mice, dead animals, they really don't gross me out much. I mean, they'r not my favorite things, but I can handle it. Our stove is a drop in range, meaning that it doesn't slide in and out for easy cleaning (not that I clean under my stove that often anyway, as you will soon discover).

So picture me, the bottom of the stove popped off, on my hands and knees looking under our stove with the worst flashlight on the planet. I scan the underbelly, of the stove, expecting at any moment to see a partially decomposed mouse. Instead, I see this glass jar hanging down on the left side, so I remove it. Apparenly, Jenn-Air ranges have a drip feature. They also have drip jars to catch the "juices." This drip jar wasn't appetizing, but it also wasn't the source of the foul odor. I move it to the sink and resume my search. I contiue to scan reaching the right side of the stove. There it is...the nastiest thing I might have ever seen in my own house.....another drip jar, 1/4 of the way full with "juice" and the inside covered with MAGGOTS!

Let me explain to you the basis for my hatred of maggots. Like I said, I'm not fearful of bugs, (you know, except scorpions, tarantulas etc.) so spiders, flies and other creepy crawly things do not bother me. However, when I was in junior high school I lived with my Dad and step-Mom. Each week, one of my chores was to take the trash to and from the curb for trash day. Now, if you've ever been in the south you know the humidity is in full force in the summer. If you've ever been to Arkansas in the summer, you know that no other place on Earth can rival the humidity in the air mid-summer. Each week, the trash would stink to hi-heaven. Each week, my job was to wash out the trash can. Why did it need washing you ask? Well, in high humidity places, flies and mosquitoes breed like rabbits. Each week, our lovely curb side trash can had a fresh crop of maggots. Each week, it was my job to exterminate them. Compound that with the fact that we almost always had Spagetti on trash night (not sure why exactly) and you can see why I loathe maggots. My little sister was about 3 years old at the time and needed her spaghetti cut up for her....yes, making it look just like a bowl of bloody maggots. Gag! I rarely ate dinner on trash day.

Okay, back to this afternoon. I remove the maggot filled jar from the bottom of the stove. Keep in mind that we have lived in this house almost a full year. Until today, I had NO IDEA that my stove came with a set of drip jars that were catching our drippy goodness.

I move the jar over to the sink, thinking that I will put all of these special creatures and their nastiness down the garbage disposal and give them a good dicing. My friend Paige was standing by watching the whole thing. As I sat the jar on the counter, she asked:

"You want me to do something with that?"

I replied, "No, I'll take care of it after I finish washing these bottles."

To which she responds, "Well, you might wanna do something soon, they're crawling out the top."

I glance over, only to see 1 little maggot wriggling it's body out of the opening of the jar. I scream, just like a girl. I'm not much of a screamer, really. Very ugly words go through my mind and I run, and I do mean run, from the jar screaming,

"Get it out! Take it out! Paige, get that out of here!"

Graciously, she takes the maggot filled jar outside, dumps it somewhere (I'd rather not know) and washes it out with the water hose. Guess I'll check my drip jars weekly now.

Have I mentioned that I hate maggots?

Oh, and remember this post? I think I've found out why we have such a problem with flies.

Frustration

I am seriously frustrated with the situation with Baby D. Like usual, I cannot go into much detail, but I can tell you that I personally don't think the parents are being held accountable enough and it bugs the crap out of me! The good thing is, I have some very Christ like friends (one in particular) who loves me for who I am (even though I never call her back) and she constantly reminds me that I am not in control, the social workers aren't either. God is. I serve the Creator of the universe. He loves me and desires the best for me. That is my mantra and I will repeat it with each breath.

Good Company

Tonight we had the privilege of getting to know some new friends. As I said in my last post, I am unable to go into great detail, however these friends have a special link to Baby D. They too are foster parents with our county. Being with them, hearing their encouraging words and knowing that they totally understand strengthens my spirit.

Have you ever met someone and instantly had an unspoken, maybe even un-identifyable connection? I experienced that tonight. As Luke and I shared our hopes, disappointments and frustrations these folks offered support like no one else could. Once again, God confirmed that we are in the right place doing the right thing. I took a few pictures and I wish desperately that I could post them. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell you all the story of Baby D, his connection with this special family and show you some precious pictures. Until then, I pray desperately for God's will, hoping it aligns with the desires in my heart.

SK,
As we were talking tonight, this went through my mind. I know it was put there by our Creator:

Mother and child are not bonded by the womb,
but through her heart.

Thank you for encouraging me.

-----

Last night, I scribbled this in my journal. As I watched the children tonight, I was reminded of it:

Because I'm your mother:
*I check on you each night before I go to sleep.
*I cover you up so you won't get cold.
*I tell you about Jesus and His sacrifice for us.
*I love your father, even when I don't like him.
*I miss my favorite TV show, and lay with you so you aren't afraid.
*I know when you're feeling bad and I can see it in your eyes.
*I'd rather hold you when you're sick, even if it means smelling like puke, snot or worse.

Because I'm your mother:
*I pray for you each day, with each breath I take.
*I pray for your spouse. That he/she will love the Lord an serve Him with all his/her heart.
*I remember each picture stored in baby books and I know the reasons they were taken.
*I vividly relive the day of your birth over and over again. My eyes well up with joy at each thought.
* I remember the day we brought you into our home and the way my heart felt complete.
*I wish you could stay young and innocent for ever, never seeing the true cruelty of this fallen world.
*I can pick your voice or cry out of a crowd.
* I know when you need me.

Because I'm your mother:
* I serve myself last.
* I willingly endure heartache so that you will not feel hurt.
* I eat cold meals.
* I wake up, even when I want to sleep.
* I wipe snot, butts and eyes and kiss boo-boos with pure joy.
* I wear spit-stained shirts.
* I will rock and hold you, even though there are dirty dishes, piles of laundry and filthy floors.

Because I'm your mother:
* I have a purpose in this life.
* I see a clear need for my Savior, His grace and His mercy.
* I'm more alive than I've ever been.
* I smile with just the thought of you.

Because I'm your mother:
* I praise my God from whom the blessings of you came to be.
* I thank Him for the miracle of your life.
* I love wholly.

Excitment and Nerves

Tonight we get to meet some very special people. Because of privacy issues, I cannot go into much detail, but I can tell you that they have a special bond with Baby D. I know that the Devil could sabotage this evening so I am asking for your prayers. I will try to tell you more tomorrow. Thanks!

Baby D's Pic

Many of you commented on me posting Baby D's pic in my last post. I figured that it wasn't a direct, straight on picture and it could probably squeeze by. I probably pushed the limits of what DSS would like, but I figure that I don't use his real name, only the people who know us personally know exactly where we live and, in all honesty, it was too cute of a picture not to post.

Don't rat me out! Thanks for the comments. My kids are cute, both biological and fostered. ;-)

My Purpose

My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

~ Colossians 2:2-3