Read these first:
Part 1
Part 2
Luke and I start "talking" decided that we are going to take it slow. The NEXT DAY he rides with me back to Jonesboro (my hometown about 1 hour away) and meets my dad. The purpose of the trip was not for him to meet my dad but because it was my little sister's birthday and I was heading home anyway. He accompanied me on my trip.
We were almost back to school when he reaches over and turns off the radio. I'm driving, and he turns and looks at me and says,
"I gotta tell you something, and it may be a deal breaker."
I already knew what he was going to say (small college, remember?), but instead I say,
"Okay..."
"My ex-girlfriend is pregnant" he says, looking out the window, "and it's my baby."
I wish I could say that I had some remarkable reply, but I didn't. All I could muster out was,
"I know."
We drove for a little while in silence. Finally, I said something like,
"You know, we can just see how this goes. I'm not ready for anything serious either."
I don't know who was more relieved, him or me. It must have been on his mind all day because I know I was wondering if he was ever going to bring it up.
Over the next month we dated. That crap about not becoming serious flew out the window and it wasn't until I walked into my room early one December morning that I realized just how much I cared about Luke.
I had spent the night with some of my girlfriends, in their apartment. When I got back to my room early the next morning, I found a note. It said,
"Gone to Memphis. I'm going to be a DADDY! - Luke"
I stood there, in shock, with this note in my hand. I felt hot tears streaming down my cheeks. I crumpled up the note and threw it across the room. I couldn't believe this was really happening. I mean, I knew she was pregnant, but I guess somehow, I didn't see this day coming.
That night was my sorority's semi-formal. Two of Luke's roommates and best friends filled in as my dates in his absence. I thought I could go and drink away the pain I was feeling. Instead, I had a horrible time. I smiled for the cameras, danced and downed anything liquid that was handed to me. However, on the inside I was falling apart.
She had won. She had him. They were forever bound together by this child.
When Luke returned to Lyon he was a new person and our relationship was not the same. We still dated, but now he had this woman that he was in constant contact with. He would call her and ask about the baby and he actually cared. Why couldn't he just be a normal college guy and give up on this girl?
I will never forget the first time I realized that he really cared about her. We were sitting in his apartment and for whatever reason he said,
"Well, I'm gonna go call [First name, Middle name]."
What?!!?
You're gonna call her while I'm here? You are referring to her in an affectionate way, by calling her by her full name?
As he walked into his bedroom, I heard the door click shut. I heard his muffled voice speaking to her. I realized that this was more than I could handle.
Throughout the rest of the Fall and Spring the relationship that Luke and I had would crumble. He'd go to Memphis to see her, I'd cheat on him by kissing another guy. He'd be on the phone with her and I would not speak to him for days. He would talk about her or the baby to another person and I would avoid him the entire week, spending time with other guys in an attempt to make him jealous.
I checked his phone messages and deleted any that were from her. I rummaged through his room when he was gone for baseball trips. Anything that was from her I would comb through, reading every letter, every card and looking at every picture. With each word, each picture and each message the anger inside me welled up.
I was hurt, hurt beyond repair. Finally, I decided I'd had enough. I told Luke we needed to break up. I told him that this was too much for me to handle and I could no longer put myself in this situation.
Even typing about it now, some of those emotions resurface. That "pit of your stomach" hurt, that feeling of sadness. It was all too much for me. We broke up, but because it was a small campus we saw each other...a lot.
I still cared about him immensely, but I knew I could not deal with this other woman. Spring semester ended and I went back to Jonesboro and Luke headed back to Memphis. I was crushed, but I figured it was just another failed relationship.
I will never forget where I stood when I heard my cell phone chirping in my pocket. I pulled it out and saw Luke's name on the screen. I took a deep breath and answered. It would be the call that would change our relationship, the call that would give me hope.
For me it was the call that would mean a fresh beginning. For Luke, the call was the most heart-breaking one he'd ever have to make.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Pray then VOTE...(UPDATED)
Nothing, absolutely nothing about this election can make my heart pound harder in my chest than this. Nothing...
----UPDATED----
And, can I just say (of course I can, it's my blog) that I used to be of the mindset that abortions should be illegal unless it is of great risk to the mother or unless the mother was raped. My thinking has changed.
As for great risk to the mother, click here to read an amazing story. As far as rape is concerned...why do we think that God is not in control when horrible things happen? We MUST place our faith in Him in the good and the bad. Who are we to decide if a baby, conceived out of rape, is allowed to live a life that God created? If such is the case, then Psalm 139:13-16 is a lie:
Do those words suggest that because of a horrible crime, a baby's life was not ordained?
----UPDATED----
And, can I just say (of course I can, it's my blog) that I used to be of the mindset that abortions should be illegal unless it is of great risk to the mother or unless the mother was raped. My thinking has changed.
As for great risk to the mother, click here to read an amazing story. As far as rape is concerned...why do we think that God is not in control when horrible things happen? We MUST place our faith in Him in the good and the bad. Who are we to decide if a baby, conceived out of rape, is allowed to live a life that God created? If such is the case, then Psalm 139:13-16 is a lie:
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
(emphasis added)
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
(emphasis added)
Do those words suggest that because of a horrible crime, a baby's life was not ordained?
Bottles, Baths and Markers...OH MY!
I haven't posted pictures of my sweet ones in a while so here goes:
These are of Lucas and Ashlee. Apparently, good friends who have older kids don't remember the days when little ones would use markers on inappropriate items, like sheetrock. Dry erase doesn't come off of sheetrock. A simple oversight by the manufacturer, I'm guessing. Dry erase DOES wash off skin relatively easy.
At first I thought someone had painted Ashlee's face. But upon realzation that she had only been downstairs playing and NOT at the fair, my question to her went something like this,
"Ashlee, where did you get your face....*GASP* No, no, no, no, no!"
Those last "Nos" were said while running down the stairs. Only to find Lucas like this:
They HAD "decorated" the wall, but it was downstairs in the playroom, so I'm not sweating it. Besides, it adds character...don't you think?
--------
Baby Girl Finally had her first bath a few nights ago. Her belly button stump fell off at only 1 week old, the earliest of all of my children. However, I had not made the time to give her a water bath. Newborns only stink on their booties and I HAD given her a washcloth-bottom bath. She wasn't crazy about the tub, however she was already ticked about something else and I'm guessing that her irritability carried over into the bathtub. I'll try again in a few weeks (kidding).
--------
Elizabeth is growing up so fast, wanting to help with everything. She's really into changing diapers lately. As long as they are pee-pee diapers, I let her. She LOVES changing Ashlee. Last night, she asked to feed Baby Girl her bottle. I figure I'll let her do as much as she asks to do and let her stop when she wants. I don't want her to get burned out, and I want her to love being a big sister.
Yesterday, we were at the mall playing on the indoor playground (we'd been housebound since Sunday...we needed to get OUT..yes I had help). Anyway, a lady sitting near us asked me,
"Are those all your kids?"
To which I replied - "Yes."
Elizabeth proceeded to tell her that we were keeping Baby D and Baby Girl because their parents couldn't take care of them right now. Precious, huh?
Not to be outdone, Ashlee has assumed the big sister role as well. Mostly, her time is spent showering Baby D and Baby Girl with kisses and putting pacifiers back in the mouths of otherwise happy babies. Since Elizabeth was feeding Baby Girl, Ashlee just HAD to feed Baby D. He's at least half her size, if not more. Here she is doing 2 of her most favorite things, smoochin' and holdin'.
--------
Baby D is officially rolling from front to back, mostly because he hates being on his tummy. He's rolled from back to front only once. He's found his feet and loves holding them and cooing.
--------
Not much new to report on the fostering homefront. We are at house total (meaning we cannot accept more children). In NC, the limit is 5 children. Since we already had 3, we could only have 2 spots. Since they've been filled we are done unless Baby D or Baby Girl are moved or go back home. I'll update later on Baby D and Baby Girl's situations. I know you people and you'll be irrate and only comment on the updated status. For now, I want you love my pictures and focus on the GOOD THINGS that come out of having precious babies in our house, all 5 of them.
These are of Lucas and Ashlee. Apparently, good friends who have older kids don't remember the days when little ones would use markers on inappropriate items, like sheetrock. Dry erase doesn't come off of sheetrock. A simple oversight by the manufacturer, I'm guessing. Dry erase DOES wash off skin relatively easy.
At first I thought someone had painted Ashlee's face. But upon realzation that she had only been downstairs playing and NOT at the fair, my question to her went something like this,"Ashlee, where did you get your face....*GASP* No, no, no, no, no!"
Those last "Nos" were said while running down the stairs. Only to find Lucas like this:
They HAD "decorated" the wall, but it was downstairs in the playroom, so I'm not sweating it. Besides, it adds character...don't you think?--------
Baby Girl Finally had her first bath a few nights ago. Her belly button stump fell off at only 1 week old, the earliest of all of my children. However, I had not made the time to give her a water bath. Newborns only stink on their booties and I HAD given her a washcloth-bottom bath. She wasn't crazy about the tub, however she was already ticked about something else and I'm guessing that her irritability carried over into the bathtub. I'll try again in a few weeks (kidding).
--------Elizabeth is growing up so fast, wanting to help with everything. She's really into changing diapers lately. As long as they are pee-pee diapers, I let her. She LOVES changing Ashlee. Last night, she asked to feed Baby Girl her bottle. I figure I'll let her do as much as she asks to do and let her stop when she wants. I don't want her to get burned out, and I want her to love being a big sister.
Yesterday, we were at the mall playing on the indoor playground (we'd been housebound since Sunday...we needed to get OUT..yes I had help). Anyway, a lady sitting near us asked me,
"Are those all your kids?"
To which I replied - "Yes."
Elizabeth proceeded to tell her that we were keeping Baby D and Baby Girl because their parents couldn't take care of them right now. Precious, huh?
Not to be outdone, Ashlee has assumed the big sister role as well. Mostly, her time is spent showering Baby D and Baby Girl with kisses and putting pacifiers back in the mouths of otherwise happy babies. Since Elizabeth was feeding Baby Girl, Ashlee just HAD to feed Baby D. He's at least half her size, if not more. Here she is doing 2 of her most favorite things, smoochin' and holdin'.
--------Baby D is officially rolling from front to back, mostly because he hates being on his tummy. He's rolled from back to front only once. He's found his feet and loves holding them and cooing.
--------
Not much new to report on the fostering homefront. We are at house total (meaning we cannot accept more children). In NC, the limit is 5 children. Since we already had 3, we could only have 2 spots. Since they've been filled we are done unless Baby D or Baby Girl are moved or go back home. I'll update later on Baby D and Baby Girl's situations. I know you people and you'll be irrate and only comment on the updated status. For now, I want you love my pictures and focus on the GOOD THINGS that come out of having precious babies in our house, all 5 of them.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The Story of Us: Part 2
Part 1
My first semester at college was a reality shock. I actually had the freedom to come and go as I pleased, make my own choices without reprimand and I LOVED it. I played volleyball, which consumed all of my time outside of class. I did, however, find some time to "play."
I remember the first time I went to a party with the intention of partying. I'd never partied in high school. This was a fraternity apartment (b/c they didn't have houses) and, thankfully, there was one upstanding guy who took me back to my room without taking advantage of me in my drunken state. The rest of my freshman year was more of the same. I managed to fail Calculus which crushed me because I'd never even made a "C" in high school. With each new challenge that came, I enjoyed trying to figure out solutions on my own. My relationship with my father continued to crumble, but the relationship with my Mom was slowly being rebuilt.
I returned to Lyon the fall of my sophomore year to find myself single, free from a relationship that had consumed my entire freshman year. I was one of those girls that always had a boyfriend or was dating someone. Looking back, I was hardly ever single unless I'd just broken up with someone. It didn't take me long to find another boyfriend.
I started dating this guy, an upperclassmen and I was totally swept off my feet. He lived off campus and I fell for him, HARD. We dated for about two months and out of the blue he broke things off. I got so angry with myself for being hurt. I had allowed him to hurt me because I had made myself vulnerable. I promised myself never, ever again would that happen.
Two weeks later, I met Luke again. It still amazes me that we didn't run into each other more often, or maybe we did and I just don't remember it. Lyon's total enrollment at the time was right around 500 students. The majority lived on campus. That meant everyone knew everyone. How had I not really noticed him before?
Still licking my wounds from the heartache of my last relationship, I decided to focus on making good choices. Since it was fall, volleyball was in season again. I tried hard to follow the rules of curfew, but with my heart broken I wanted to rebel. One night, the day before a volleyball game, I went back to my room to wait for our coach to call for curfew check. Once I got the call, I headed back out. I went over to the apartments on campus, the on campus hang out, hot spot.
I was sitting on a fence that surrounded a patio area. My sorority had hosted a party earlier that night and the theme was "Decade Party." Being that it was a game night, I was not drinking. As the rush of partiers arrived back on campus, here comes this guy in a light blue pin-striped suit with the most awful, curly wig on the planet.
**Sidenote: If you've been to our house and seen a short, curly wig in our kids' play chest, it's THAT one.**
It was a cool night, and Luke ended up offering me his jacket. I didn't get a twinge of "Ooooh, he's the one" or "Wow, he's so hot." Yes, I found him attractive, but still reeling from the last boyfriend I, for once, was NOT looking.
I've always heard that it is when you are not looking for love that you find "The One." I've also heard that when you "know", you "just know." For the record, the first one turned out to be true for me.
That crap about just "knowing"...it wasn't until years later that God showed me that there was a reason that I could not let go, even when everything and everyone around me was screaming..."DUMP HIM."
My first semester at college was a reality shock. I actually had the freedom to come and go as I pleased, make my own choices without reprimand and I LOVED it. I played volleyball, which consumed all of my time outside of class. I did, however, find some time to "play."
I remember the first time I went to a party with the intention of partying. I'd never partied in high school. This was a fraternity apartment (b/c they didn't have houses) and, thankfully, there was one upstanding guy who took me back to my room without taking advantage of me in my drunken state. The rest of my freshman year was more of the same. I managed to fail Calculus which crushed me because I'd never even made a "C" in high school. With each new challenge that came, I enjoyed trying to figure out solutions on my own. My relationship with my father continued to crumble, but the relationship with my Mom was slowly being rebuilt.
I returned to Lyon the fall of my sophomore year to find myself single, free from a relationship that had consumed my entire freshman year. I was one of those girls that always had a boyfriend or was dating someone. Looking back, I was hardly ever single unless I'd just broken up with someone. It didn't take me long to find another boyfriend.
I started dating this guy, an upperclassmen and I was totally swept off my feet. He lived off campus and I fell for him, HARD. We dated for about two months and out of the blue he broke things off. I got so angry with myself for being hurt. I had allowed him to hurt me because I had made myself vulnerable. I promised myself never, ever again would that happen.
Two weeks later, I met Luke again. It still amazes me that we didn't run into each other more often, or maybe we did and I just don't remember it. Lyon's total enrollment at the time was right around 500 students. The majority lived on campus. That meant everyone knew everyone. How had I not really noticed him before?
Still licking my wounds from the heartache of my last relationship, I decided to focus on making good choices. Since it was fall, volleyball was in season again. I tried hard to follow the rules of curfew, but with my heart broken I wanted to rebel. One night, the day before a volleyball game, I went back to my room to wait for our coach to call for curfew check. Once I got the call, I headed back out. I went over to the apartments on campus, the on campus hang out, hot spot.
I was sitting on a fence that surrounded a patio area. My sorority had hosted a party earlier that night and the theme was "Decade Party." Being that it was a game night, I was not drinking. As the rush of partiers arrived back on campus, here comes this guy in a light blue pin-striped suit with the most awful, curly wig on the planet.
**Sidenote: If you've been to our house and seen a short, curly wig in our kids' play chest, it's THAT one.**
It was a cool night, and Luke ended up offering me his jacket. I didn't get a twinge of "Ooooh, he's the one" or "Wow, he's so hot." Yes, I found him attractive, but still reeling from the last boyfriend I, for once, was NOT looking.
I've always heard that it is when you are not looking for love that you find "The One." I've also heard that when you "know", you "just know." For the record, the first one turned out to be true for me.
That crap about just "knowing"...it wasn't until years later that God showed me that there was a reason that I could not let go, even when everything and everyone around me was screaming..."DUMP HIM."
Monday, October 27, 2008
My Little Copy Cat
This morning, the social worker (one we've never had before) came to pick up Baby Girl for a visit. As I was changing Baby Girl's diaper I hear Elizabeth,
"Did you know his grandparents gave him apple juice? It really upset him tummy. They shouldn't give him apple juice."
I don't think the social worker knew what she was talking about because she asked Elizabeth if she was drinking apple juice. Elizabeth persisted,
"No. Babies that are little don't need apple juice yet. I don't know how old he is but he's little. And his tummy's little, and they gave him Apple Juice! Will you make sure they don't drink him apple juice today?"
Hummmm....think I ranted a little about the grape juice?
Wow, she doesn't miss anything.
On another note, I took Baby D and Baby Girl to the doctor on Friday. It was Baby D's four month check up and he weighed 14lbs 4oz. Not bad for being 5lbs 4oz when we got him at 4 days old. Baby Girl weighed 6lbs 1oz, gaining a full 7 oz in one week!
Baby D is sleeping well at night, going down about 8pm and not waking up until 4:30 or 5am. Baby Girl still wakes up every 3 to 4 hours.
Ashlee has the virus going around our house. It manifests itself as a high fever for 12 or so hours. Last night, Ashlee's fever reached 102.9. After some tylenol she was better. So far it has plagued Lucas and Ashlee. I'm waiting for Elizabeth and praying the babies stay fever free.
Therefore, we missed Classical this morning AND it's about 40 degrees outside. Can anyone say CABIN FEVER? (Pun totally intended.)
"Did you know his grandparents gave him apple juice? It really upset him tummy. They shouldn't give him apple juice."
I don't think the social worker knew what she was talking about because she asked Elizabeth if she was drinking apple juice. Elizabeth persisted,
"No. Babies that are little don't need apple juice yet. I don't know how old he is but he's little. And his tummy's little, and they gave him Apple Juice! Will you make sure they don't drink him apple juice today?"
Hummmm....think I ranted a little about the grape juice?
Wow, she doesn't miss anything.
On another note, I took Baby D and Baby Girl to the doctor on Friday. It was Baby D's four month check up and he weighed 14lbs 4oz. Not bad for being 5lbs 4oz when we got him at 4 days old. Baby Girl weighed 6lbs 1oz, gaining a full 7 oz in one week!
Baby D is sleeping well at night, going down about 8pm and not waking up until 4:30 or 5am. Baby Girl still wakes up every 3 to 4 hours.
Ashlee has the virus going around our house. It manifests itself as a high fever for 12 or so hours. Last night, Ashlee's fever reached 102.9. After some tylenol she was better. So far it has plagued Lucas and Ashlee. I'm waiting for Elizabeth and praying the babies stay fever free.
Therefore, we missed Classical this morning AND it's about 40 degrees outside. Can anyone say CABIN FEVER? (Pun totally intended.)
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Sinners Welcome
As I prepared for my 11th grade Sunday School class lesson on "Passing Judgment" it struck me just how judgmental we Christians can be.
As followers of Christ, we should be the first to be accepting of the shortcomings of others. Instead, we often hold people out to the side, helping them just enough, holding them at arms length so that they don't stain our flawless appearance.
Shouldn't church be a place where we can gather, admit our failures, discuss our struggles and gain confidence that others are wading through the muck with us?
3 weeks ago at my Tuesday morning women's Bible study I laid myself out for the ladies. After two others had taken their turn with their weekly prayer requests, I turned to the group and bluntly stated,
"I'm angry. I'm angry at everything, everyone and mostly, my kids."
Several other women in the group chimed in. Apparently, I was not alone.
Here's what I find to be true with non-christians, Christians and church in general:
Non-believers think that Christians are hypocrites. They feel this way because we say we are forgiven and yet we are quick to point out sin. (I used to feel this way, that's how I know.) However, that finger pointing is usually aimed at others. We do not fancy pointing out our own flaws. (This is not specific to believers, NO ONE likes to point out their own flaws.)
We believers are quick to point out "big sin" like pornography, homosexuality or adultery. However, the day to day stuff like lying, swearing, being judgmental or lustful thoughts are avoided like the plague. We avoid talking about these things because to discuss them would be to admit that we struggle with them.
Let me just say, for the record, I struggle DAILY with lying, coarse talk, being judgmental and lust. Not one day, not one, do I not struggle with one or all of these things.
I don't understand why we don't just fess up! I am broken and I cannot be fixed, not while I dwell on this earth. Let me just quote a bumper sticker or sign I saw somewhere that said,
"I'm not perfect, just forgiven." I mean, AMEN.
All of us are sinners, ALL of us. From the wisest person in the church to the prostitute on the street, we ALL fall short of God's glory and none, NONE of us are righteous.
The great thing about Jesus is that all sinners are welcome in His presence.
With all of that said, let me ask you these questions.
> If you ARE NOT a believer in Jesus Christ, how do you feel about believers? Do you find them hypocritical? If you've ever been to a church, what was the biggest turn off?
> If you ARE a believer, do you think you pass judgment too quickly? What is your biggest struggle? How do you think your church responds to those who are new and/or non-believers?
I will allow anonymous comments for this post. If you are a non-believer, please feel free to be honest in your evaluation of us believers. If you are a believer, feel free to openly discuss your struggles and the way you view yourself and the church.
Trust me, opinions and sinners are welcome here. If they weren't, I'd have to shut this puppy down.
Friday, October 24, 2008
The Story of Us: Part 1
I stole the idea of telling our story from here. However, it has continued to be on my mind for several weeks now and it wasn't until today that I think I figured out why.
It's fall in North Carolina. The leaves are beginning to change, the weather is getting crisp. As the leaves fall from the trees I think about how the old is being removed so that in the spring, new can grow. This time of year has always been my favorite. What I also realized today is that fall brings back memories of two very special events in my life.
I am telling you the story of me, Luke and our life together for several reasons. The first being that I want anyone reading this to understand that I am so incredibly imperfect. I have made so many mistakes that out of all the people I know, I MUST be the most flawed.
The second is so that you can see clearly that God is what holds our marriage and our family together. Without Him, we would not have the marriage we have nor could we parent these children He has placed in our home.
Also, some of you reading this have known me for a long, long time. Some of you knew me back when I was being held captive by my sin. For some of you, it must be incredibly hard for you to understand how I can blog regularly about my God, yet know all the things from my past. I know I must sound like the hugest hypocrite.
I want my life to be an open book, with God being the binding that holds it all together. I want the stories of my life to scream out the name of my Savior, allowing His redeeming glory to shine through. I want everyone to realize that I am still that same girl that grew up in small town Arkansas, went to a small town college, has made countless mistakes but now serves the Creator of the universe. I want everyone to know that I am only redeemed by grace and that by nothing more than mercy am I changed, in Christ's precious name.
With that said, please know that true to my character these stories will be raw, real and personal. This is me. What you see is what you get, I have nothing to hide.
____
The fall of 1998 was one of huge changes for me. I remember, so vividly, my first trip down the twisted, Arkansas Ozark roads to my new life. I had the radio blasting Dixie Chicks and I was on my way to freedom. College was all that I could think about and I was ready for the new chapter in my life. I was ready to discover myself.
High school was not a time of fond memories for me. During my junior year, I became physical with my boyfriend. My father found out and my life turned upside down. The greatest pain came when my father told me that he could no longer trust me. You see, just 3 short years earlier I had made the choice to leave North Carolina where my mom and step-dad lived. I had made the choice, at 13 years old, to move back to Arkansas and live with my father. We had always been close, and since I was 10 years old, I had been waiting for the day that I could choose where I wanted to live. I was a daddy's girl, putting him on such a pedestal. When I realized that he too was not perfect, I was shattered.
In May of 1998, I spent the hours before my high school commencement moving my personal belongings from my father's house into my cousin's house. As soon as I was officially a graduate, I would be on my own, no longer captive by my father's rules.
With the an acceptance letter and a volleyball scholarship to Lyon College, my life was going to begin. As I drove those roads in August of 1998, the wind was in my hair, my spirit felt free and the emptiness inside me was looking forward to finding that missing piece. I was so sure that I would find what was missing in my new found freedom. I knew the world was risky. I knew I was going to find myself. I knew that college held all the answers.
What I didn't know was, that along with all the "necessities" for college, I was carrying with me fresh wounds of a damaged relationship with my father. Nothing I would find at college could heal those pains. No one could make that hurt go away, at least not anyone on this earth.
I moved into college 2 weeks before the general student body, for pre-season volleyball "practice" (read: torture). It was easy for me to fit in because I had already played J.O. volleyball with almost half of the team. College life had started off as amazing.
My freshman year was pretty tame. I stuck to the rules during volleyball season, the rules of no boys, no booze. The first week that everyone was on campus there was a party at the baseball trailer (yes, an on campus double wide that housed 8 baseball players). After much prompting (read: NO prompting) from the upper classmen volleyball players, I went.
I sat on the nastiest couch in the world and got hit on by the drunkest guy on the planet. As he sat on my leg (unbeknownst to him) he told me about how great Lyon College was. Between wiping the spit off my face and feeling my leg go numb from his weight, I remembered the advice my mother had given me just weeks earlier.
"Jessica, be very careful when you go out. There's this thing called the date-rape drug, and guys will try to slip it to you."
Unless this guys was trying to slip it to me by spitting it in my face, I was in the clear. After I made it abundantly clear that I WAS NOT interested in him, he left to get another drink and didn't return. Whew!
My roommate then abandoned me and I was left at this trailer with no one to talk to. That's when another guy approached me. He walked over and told me that he lived in the trailer.
"Hey, my name's Luke. Are you a freshman?"
Holy crap. A sober guy speaking to me. He MUST be trying to slip me the date rape drug. Little did I know that Luke didn't drink and he was actually a pretty nice guy.
I muttered out a few words and avoided eye contact. Finally, realizing that I wasn't up for conversation, he looked at me and said,
"Wow, your kind of a witch (only, he didn't say witch) aren't you?"
He turned and walked away. Totally offended, I left the party and went back to my dorm room, wondering if this college thing was really for me. I think I even cried myself to sleep that night. Three weeks of freedom and I still felt empty. Where was the thing that would fill my void?
Consumed with volleyball, I forgot all about the rude guy at the party. I settled into life as a full time student-athlete and realized that life was a lot of work, and I was up for the challenge.
It's fall in North Carolina. The leaves are beginning to change, the weather is getting crisp. As the leaves fall from the trees I think about how the old is being removed so that in the spring, new can grow. This time of year has always been my favorite. What I also realized today is that fall brings back memories of two very special events in my life.
I am telling you the story of me, Luke and our life together for several reasons. The first being that I want anyone reading this to understand that I am so incredibly imperfect. I have made so many mistakes that out of all the people I know, I MUST be the most flawed.
The second is so that you can see clearly that God is what holds our marriage and our family together. Without Him, we would not have the marriage we have nor could we parent these children He has placed in our home.
Also, some of you reading this have known me for a long, long time. Some of you knew me back when I was being held captive by my sin. For some of you, it must be incredibly hard for you to understand how I can blog regularly about my God, yet know all the things from my past. I know I must sound like the hugest hypocrite.
I want my life to be an open book, with God being the binding that holds it all together. I want the stories of my life to scream out the name of my Savior, allowing His redeeming glory to shine through. I want everyone to realize that I am still that same girl that grew up in small town Arkansas, went to a small town college, has made countless mistakes but now serves the Creator of the universe. I want everyone to know that I am only redeemed by grace and that by nothing more than mercy am I changed, in Christ's precious name.
With that said, please know that true to my character these stories will be raw, real and personal. This is me. What you see is what you get, I have nothing to hide.
____
The fall of 1998 was one of huge changes for me. I remember, so vividly, my first trip down the twisted, Arkansas Ozark roads to my new life. I had the radio blasting Dixie Chicks and I was on my way to freedom. College was all that I could think about and I was ready for the new chapter in my life. I was ready to discover myself.
High school was not a time of fond memories for me. During my junior year, I became physical with my boyfriend. My father found out and my life turned upside down. The greatest pain came when my father told me that he could no longer trust me. You see, just 3 short years earlier I had made the choice to leave North Carolina where my mom and step-dad lived. I had made the choice, at 13 years old, to move back to Arkansas and live with my father. We had always been close, and since I was 10 years old, I had been waiting for the day that I could choose where I wanted to live. I was a daddy's girl, putting him on such a pedestal. When I realized that he too was not perfect, I was shattered.
In May of 1998, I spent the hours before my high school commencement moving my personal belongings from my father's house into my cousin's house. As soon as I was officially a graduate, I would be on my own, no longer captive by my father's rules.
With the an acceptance letter and a volleyball scholarship to Lyon College, my life was going to begin. As I drove those roads in August of 1998, the wind was in my hair, my spirit felt free and the emptiness inside me was looking forward to finding that missing piece. I was so sure that I would find what was missing in my new found freedom. I knew the world was risky. I knew I was going to find myself. I knew that college held all the answers.
What I didn't know was, that along with all the "necessities" for college, I was carrying with me fresh wounds of a damaged relationship with my father. Nothing I would find at college could heal those pains. No one could make that hurt go away, at least not anyone on this earth.
I moved into college 2 weeks before the general student body, for pre-season volleyball "practice" (read: torture). It was easy for me to fit in because I had already played J.O. volleyball with almost half of the team. College life had started off as amazing.
My freshman year was pretty tame. I stuck to the rules during volleyball season, the rules of no boys, no booze. The first week that everyone was on campus there was a party at the baseball trailer (yes, an on campus double wide that housed 8 baseball players). After much prompting (read: NO prompting) from the upper classmen volleyball players, I went.
I sat on the nastiest couch in the world and got hit on by the drunkest guy on the planet. As he sat on my leg (unbeknownst to him) he told me about how great Lyon College was. Between wiping the spit off my face and feeling my leg go numb from his weight, I remembered the advice my mother had given me just weeks earlier.
"Jessica, be very careful when you go out. There's this thing called the date-rape drug, and guys will try to slip it to you."
Unless this guys was trying to slip it to me by spitting it in my face, I was in the clear. After I made it abundantly clear that I WAS NOT interested in him, he left to get another drink and didn't return. Whew!
My roommate then abandoned me and I was left at this trailer with no one to talk to. That's when another guy approached me. He walked over and told me that he lived in the trailer.
"Hey, my name's Luke. Are you a freshman?"
Holy crap. A sober guy speaking to me. He MUST be trying to slip me the date rape drug. Little did I know that Luke didn't drink and he was actually a pretty nice guy.
I muttered out a few words and avoided eye contact. Finally, realizing that I wasn't up for conversation, he looked at me and said,
"Wow, your kind of a witch (only, he didn't say witch) aren't you?"
He turned and walked away. Totally offended, I left the party and went back to my dorm room, wondering if this college thing was really for me. I think I even cried myself to sleep that night. Three weeks of freedom and I still felt empty. Where was the thing that would fill my void?
Consumed with volleyball, I forgot all about the rude guy at the party. I settled into life as a full time student-athlete and realized that life was a lot of work, and I was up for the challenge.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
If It's Pressed On Your Heart...
I know I use the term a lot "If It's Pressed On Your Heart," specifically when requesting prayer. My reason for that is because I know that as believers we have a lot that we see in our world that we need to pray over.
However, several years ago I was heavily convicted about telling folks I'd pray for them, and then never doing it. Therefore, I choose two responses now when people ask for me to pray for them.
My favorite (which sometimes takes A LOT of prompting by the Spirit) is to stop RIGHT THEN and pray with that person over the issue that they are requesting prayer. I feel that if it's important enough for them to ask, then they could surely use the prayer right then.
The next option is to tell them that I will pray about it "If the Spirit presses it on my heart." Now, I don't want that to sound cold or distant. However, like I said earlier, as believers, if our eyes are truly open to the world around us, we are bombarded with things/people/events/circumstances that we need to be in prayer over. Just as our amazing God gives us various talents and abilities, I also feel that He softens our hearts toward specific things as well.
For example, my heart is incredibly touched by the story of the Lawrensons. I think about them daily, and I pray for them often. I've never met them, yet I feel burdened to pray for them. Someone else may not. I believe that God uses these burdens on our hearts so that all peoples can be touched in our prayer lives.
With all of that said, I have some things I would like for you to pray over, if it's pressed on your heart. If you'd like to pray over these things/people/circumstances now, please leave a comment. I know that these prayers will not go unanswered, as long as we are praying for God's desires and His perfect plan to persevere.
1. The Lawrensons that I mentioned above. Long, long story short, almost a year ago Tricia went to Duke for a double lung transplant due to the deterioration of her lungs because of Cystic Fibrosis. The transplant was successful, and just weeks prior she delivered a pre-mature baby girl who is healthy and thriving. However, Tricia has now developed lymphoma and the chemo is not working. This family needs ANOTHER miracle.
2. Chris and Lindy Thompson. They are dear friends of mine who are returning today from Africa where they are FULL TIME missionaries. I'm not sure how long they will be back in the US, but please pray that their mission work will continue to thrive in their absence and that they will adjust to time differences, culture differences and thoroughly enjoy their time with friends and family.
3. The Hauts. They are also foster parents that we met in our fostering class. They are fostering a baby just 3 days older than Baby D. Today they were told that their baby's plan is being changed to Termination of Parental Rights. While this is a huge praise for them, it also comes with it's share of frustrations as it will be many, many months until the adoption is final. Please pray that they will find joy in the process, perseverance and peace.
Once more, if you feel led to pray now please leave a comment telling so. If you do not, that's okay too. However, realize that if you think of them over the next few days that it IS the Holy Spirit pressing them on your heart and they could use prayer AT THAT MOMENT.
Prayer doesn't have to be formal, it doesn't have to be stiff and rigid. However, it must be sincere. God knows the intentions of your heart and listening to His callings and understanding His promptings will bring you so much closer into a love relationship with Him. One like you have never dreamed or imagined.
However, several years ago I was heavily convicted about telling folks I'd pray for them, and then never doing it. Therefore, I choose two responses now when people ask for me to pray for them.
My favorite (which sometimes takes A LOT of prompting by the Spirit) is to stop RIGHT THEN and pray with that person over the issue that they are requesting prayer. I feel that if it's important enough for them to ask, then they could surely use the prayer right then.
The next option is to tell them that I will pray about it "If the Spirit presses it on my heart." Now, I don't want that to sound cold or distant. However, like I said earlier, as believers, if our eyes are truly open to the world around us, we are bombarded with things/people/events/circumstances that we need to be in prayer over. Just as our amazing God gives us various talents and abilities, I also feel that He softens our hearts toward specific things as well.
For example, my heart is incredibly touched by the story of the Lawrensons. I think about them daily, and I pray for them often. I've never met them, yet I feel burdened to pray for them. Someone else may not. I believe that God uses these burdens on our hearts so that all peoples can be touched in our prayer lives.
With all of that said, I have some things I would like for you to pray over, if it's pressed on your heart. If you'd like to pray over these things/people/circumstances now, please leave a comment. I know that these prayers will not go unanswered, as long as we are praying for God's desires and His perfect plan to persevere.
1. The Lawrensons that I mentioned above. Long, long story short, almost a year ago Tricia went to Duke for a double lung transplant due to the deterioration of her lungs because of Cystic Fibrosis. The transplant was successful, and just weeks prior she delivered a pre-mature baby girl who is healthy and thriving. However, Tricia has now developed lymphoma and the chemo is not working. This family needs ANOTHER miracle.
2. Chris and Lindy Thompson. They are dear friends of mine who are returning today from Africa where they are FULL TIME missionaries. I'm not sure how long they will be back in the US, but please pray that their mission work will continue to thrive in their absence and that they will adjust to time differences, culture differences and thoroughly enjoy their time with friends and family.
3. The Hauts. They are also foster parents that we met in our fostering class. They are fostering a baby just 3 days older than Baby D. Today they were told that their baby's plan is being changed to Termination of Parental Rights. While this is a huge praise for them, it also comes with it's share of frustrations as it will be many, many months until the adoption is final. Please pray that they will find joy in the process, perseverance and peace.
Once more, if you feel led to pray now please leave a comment telling so. If you do not, that's okay too. However, realize that if you think of them over the next few days that it IS the Holy Spirit pressing them on your heart and they could use prayer AT THAT MOMENT.
Prayer doesn't have to be formal, it doesn't have to be stiff and rigid. However, it must be sincere. God knows the intentions of your heart and listening to His callings and understanding His promptings will bring you so much closer into a love relationship with Him. One like you have never dreamed or imagined.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
The Slow Fade
I hope you all are ready for this. I am about to probably blow any pre-conceived ideas you have of me right out of the water. I'm gonna have some serious confessional time and I hope you all will see that the comments you've made about me being "strong" or "wonderful" or "amazing" are not what you may think.
Everything in me that is good is from God and His power working through me. Let me prove it to you.
Today, I'm pretty ticked at my husband. Actually, it started last night. In truth, he hasn't done anything wrong. I've simply picked out something, twisted in my mind to be totally out of context, not explained my feelings to him, and yet I've expected him to read my not-so-wonderful body language and completely decode the thoughts in my head.
Yes, quite unfair.
Luke is doing a paper route for a friend. That means he must go to bed insanely early (like 9:00pm) and wake up at 2:00am. He runs the route from 2:00ish until about 4:00am. This isn't bad, is it?
However, in my mind, it goes like this:
I CANNOT BELIEVE he is doing that paper route. Doesn't he see that I've had a cold for 4 days and I'm exhausted?!? If he'd like to be awake from 2-6am, I can give him something to do. He can take care of this baby and let me sleep!!
In reality, I have the most remarkable husband on the planet. He, so graciously, agrees to take the shift of feeding, holding and changing from 4am until he leaves for work at 7:30am so that I can sleep. When he gets home from work, he IMMEDIATELY changes from his tie into clothes that can handle the kids. He dives right in feeding, bathing, playing and changing and never complains. I don't think I know just how good I have it.
However, in my mind, it goes like this:
Oh great! He just got home and he disappears into the bathroom for 30 minutes! Doesn't he see I'm trying to get dinner ready? Wait! Did he just give a sigh of being tired? Oh, I'll show him tired!
Yes, I know, even as I type it I realize how stupid it sounds. The frustration does not end with my husband. My children have also seen the brunt of it today, specifically this morning.
Luke started the kids on their breakfast this morning before he left. I come into the kitchen, still half asleep (but still grumpy). I'm greeting by squeals that normally melt my heart, but this morning, they just ticked me off.
After Luke leaves, chaos begins. First, Baby Girl needs ANOTHER bottle. Luke just fed her 2 hours ago, what's her problem? (That's a joke, she still eats every two hours.) While feeding her, Baby D decides he wants to get hungry as well.
What I forgot to tell you is that I have Bible study on Tuesday mornings and I need to leave the house by 8:45am. As of Baby Girl's feeding, it's 8:05 and I've yet to shower AND all 5 kids still need to be changed, dressed, teeth brushed and groomed.
I feel the frustration mounting. I finish Baby Girls' bottle, but not before she poops twice, each time into a clean diaper. I get Baby D situated so that he can eat while I shower. However, he is unsettled and I realized that he's pooped. Annoyed that my shower is being delayed further, I change him.
Finally, I'm off to the shower. Elizabeth is trying to get my attention, but instead of listening to her, I raise my voice, telling her to stop talking and EAT!
After a quick shower, I come back into the kitchen to find that Elizabeth (my FOUR year old), has helped the twins finish up their breakfast, unbuckled them from their booster seats and had carried all 3 cereal bowls to the sink. I walk in on her wiping off the table.
Thinking about it now makes me get tears in my eyes. I realized, as I watched my little girl working so hard to help me out, that I have had some serious issues with anger the last two days.
I could blow it off and say that lack of sleep does funny things to my body. I could pass it off as being in a high-stress environment. I could even say that it's my time of the month, but it isn't.
My problem is deeper. The amount of time I've spent with my Savior the last month has totaled maybe 20 minutes. The enemy knows that when I am tired, I am the most vulnerable. He is attacking me and I am allowing his evil whispers to penetrate my heart and hurt the people I love.
How could I be so blind? How could this happen all the sudden? The truth is, it didn't. This past Sunday, Michael continued his sermon series on Fireproofing your marriage. He spoke about how things can slowly fade into your life and marriage, causing it to crumble. At the time, I seriously thought,
"Oh, I'm not addicted to pornography or gambling or alcohol. Those things don't apply to me and my marriage."
The truth is that the enemy will attack us where we are weakest. Pornography, gambling and alcohol are not weak areas in my life. For me, sleep is precious. I've always needed lots of sleep to function, even before kids.
Over the past month, it has been a slow fade from my Lord. Instead of daily time with him, I've offered myself to the Serta gods. I've placed other things in areas where God should be. It has effected my entire family and even the state of my heart.
I praise God that He is incredibly slow to anger, and so unlike me. I praise Him for taking me back time and time again. I praise Him that I have a forgiving husband, who as I type this, texted me and asked,
"You ok? I'm worried about you."
I praise God that tonight, after a conversation and a huge apology on my part, my husband will forgive me and I can rest in the hope that tomorrow will be better.
I am so far from perfect and I hope that each of you continues to see that EVERYTHING within me that is good and right comes straight from the One whose Spirit dwells within my broken body. I praise Him because He is good and He never, ever changes.
Everything in me that is good is from God and His power working through me. Let me prove it to you.
Today, I'm pretty ticked at my husband. Actually, it started last night. In truth, he hasn't done anything wrong. I've simply picked out something, twisted in my mind to be totally out of context, not explained my feelings to him, and yet I've expected him to read my not-so-wonderful body language and completely decode the thoughts in my head.
Yes, quite unfair.
Luke is doing a paper route for a friend. That means he must go to bed insanely early (like 9:00pm) and wake up at 2:00am. He runs the route from 2:00ish until about 4:00am. This isn't bad, is it?
However, in my mind, it goes like this:
I CANNOT BELIEVE he is doing that paper route. Doesn't he see that I've had a cold for 4 days and I'm exhausted?!? If he'd like to be awake from 2-6am, I can give him something to do. He can take care of this baby and let me sleep!!
In reality, I have the most remarkable husband on the planet. He, so graciously, agrees to take the shift of feeding, holding and changing from 4am until he leaves for work at 7:30am so that I can sleep. When he gets home from work, he IMMEDIATELY changes from his tie into clothes that can handle the kids. He dives right in feeding, bathing, playing and changing and never complains. I don't think I know just how good I have it.
However, in my mind, it goes like this:
Oh great! He just got home and he disappears into the bathroom for 30 minutes! Doesn't he see I'm trying to get dinner ready? Wait! Did he just give a sigh of being tired? Oh, I'll show him tired!
Yes, I know, even as I type it I realize how stupid it sounds. The frustration does not end with my husband. My children have also seen the brunt of it today, specifically this morning.
Luke started the kids on their breakfast this morning before he left. I come into the kitchen, still half asleep (but still grumpy). I'm greeting by squeals that normally melt my heart, but this morning, they just ticked me off.
After Luke leaves, chaos begins. First, Baby Girl needs ANOTHER bottle. Luke just fed her 2 hours ago, what's her problem? (That's a joke, she still eats every two hours.) While feeding her, Baby D decides he wants to get hungry as well.
What I forgot to tell you is that I have Bible study on Tuesday mornings and I need to leave the house by 8:45am. As of Baby Girl's feeding, it's 8:05 and I've yet to shower AND all 5 kids still need to be changed, dressed, teeth brushed and groomed.
I feel the frustration mounting. I finish Baby Girls' bottle, but not before she poops twice, each time into a clean diaper. I get Baby D situated so that he can eat while I shower. However, he is unsettled and I realized that he's pooped. Annoyed that my shower is being delayed further, I change him.
Finally, I'm off to the shower. Elizabeth is trying to get my attention, but instead of listening to her, I raise my voice, telling her to stop talking and EAT!
After a quick shower, I come back into the kitchen to find that Elizabeth (my FOUR year old), has helped the twins finish up their breakfast, unbuckled them from their booster seats and had carried all 3 cereal bowls to the sink. I walk in on her wiping off the table.
Thinking about it now makes me get tears in my eyes. I realized, as I watched my little girl working so hard to help me out, that I have had some serious issues with anger the last two days.
I could blow it off and say that lack of sleep does funny things to my body. I could pass it off as being in a high-stress environment. I could even say that it's my time of the month, but it isn't.
My problem is deeper. The amount of time I've spent with my Savior the last month has totaled maybe 20 minutes. The enemy knows that when I am tired, I am the most vulnerable. He is attacking me and I am allowing his evil whispers to penetrate my heart and hurt the people I love.
How could I be so blind? How could this happen all the sudden? The truth is, it didn't. This past Sunday, Michael continued his sermon series on Fireproofing your marriage. He spoke about how things can slowly fade into your life and marriage, causing it to crumble. At the time, I seriously thought,
"Oh, I'm not addicted to pornography or gambling or alcohol. Those things don't apply to me and my marriage."
The truth is that the enemy will attack us where we are weakest. Pornography, gambling and alcohol are not weak areas in my life. For me, sleep is precious. I've always needed lots of sleep to function, even before kids.
Over the past month, it has been a slow fade from my Lord. Instead of daily time with him, I've offered myself to the Serta gods. I've placed other things in areas where God should be. It has effected my entire family and even the state of my heart.
I praise God that He is incredibly slow to anger, and so unlike me. I praise Him for taking me back time and time again. I praise Him that I have a forgiving husband, who as I type this, texted me and asked,
"You ok? I'm worried about you."
I praise God that tonight, after a conversation and a huge apology on my part, my husband will forgive me and I can rest in the hope that tomorrow will be better.
I am so far from perfect and I hope that each of you continues to see that EVERYTHING within me that is good and right comes straight from the One whose Spirit dwells within my broken body. I praise Him because He is good and He never, ever changes.
Monday, October 20, 2008
The First
Okay...I was about to post this back on October 9th, but while proof reading it, we got the call for Baby Girl. I wanted to still post it, especially now, because of it's relevance.
_____
Written on October 9th:
Below is my first post I wrote way back in January. Since I was lacking thoughtful words today, I thought I'd look back at some old posts (back before anyone was actually READING my blog) and see if anything struck me as worthwhile. This post jumped off the screen at me.
Lately, I have struggled so much with consistent quiet time (actually ANY quiet time). I feel like I'm in conversation with God, but right now, it's pretty one sided. I had all but forgotten about my Life Verse until I re-read this post (some life verse, huh?). When I read those words again, they jumped off the page at me, just as they did that first day God revealed them to me.
_____
Originally written January 31, 2008
About 6 months ago I was reading the book "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. In it, she suggests creating a life purpose statement. I have been captivated by this concept since I read it. Although I have thought that I had purpose for my life, I have never before looked at it from this vantage point. I have never thought of my entire life as a time line and referenced where I been and where I am, in contrast to where I want to be. Read my life purpose verse, then I will attempt to explain its meaning in terms of my heart:
Here's what I take this to mean for me:
1. I will never be the person that says, "I've got it all figured out." I am trying desperately hard to become the Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister and Friend that Jesus Christ wants me to be. However, I fail in every area of my life daily. I don't know how I can let God down so much, fail so often and still be considered so valuable to Him. That baffles me. I know that every time I am in the Word and in prayer or just sitting with friends, I learn so much about this God I love. I think about it a lot in reference to 1 Corinthians Chapter 3. I know that there are days when all I can tolerate is God's milk. Then, when I am ready in a new area, He gives me meat. I am continually amazed at how He works on my heart in simple ways, continuing to reveal Himself to me.
2. I know that if I continue to seek God's will for my life, then I am headed in the right direction. I may have NO CLUE where He is taking me, but when the Creator of the universes is in control, who am I to ask questions? Not that I don't, because believe you me, I have SOOO many uncertainties. I also know that my God is big enough for me to doubt Him, have questions about Him, not believe Him and yet He still loves me. Amazing.
3. Lastly, (at least for now) I know that I am being made new. I am headed down the path that leads me to "Christ-likeness." Not that I'll get there anytime soon, but I know where I'm going. I don't want to go back to the old me. Not that I think that I was a horrible person before, the the new me is just so much better. I have a lot of fond memories of the time I spent before I knew Jesus. I know those memories will never fade, and many of them shaped me into who I am today. But the Spirit has taken over the old me and transformed me from the inside out. I have been made new. I am still the same old girl. I talk too much, say it too loud, laugh when no one else thinks stuff is funny, gross people out....but now, I'm different. I love looking for God in the every day. I realize that things in my life don't happen by "coincidence" and there is no such thing as "luck." Everything in the universe is held up by the God I serve. What an awesome way to live my life!
I still have many hurdles to jump, lots of mountains to climb and so many bridges to rebuild. But I know that with the power of Christ, I can overcome anything, because of His sacrifice for me.
_____
Looking back at this post just makes me even more aware of how amazing my God really is! Look at all He has done in our lives this year and how He has shown Himself time and time again. I know that no part of me deserves any of what He gives me, but the blessings we continue to receive through obedience are humbling.
Thank you all for your prayers of support lately. I can really feel them all around me, sustaining me, encouraging me and whispering truths when the author of lies tries to creep in! You all mean so much to me and I appreciate you journeying with me.
_____
Written on October 9th:
Below is my first post I wrote way back in January. Since I was lacking thoughtful words today, I thought I'd look back at some old posts (back before anyone was actually READING my blog) and see if anything struck me as worthwhile. This post jumped off the screen at me.
Lately, I have struggled so much with consistent quiet time (actually ANY quiet time). I feel like I'm in conversation with God, but right now, it's pretty one sided. I had all but forgotten about my Life Verse until I re-read this post (some life verse, huh?). When I read those words again, they jumped off the page at me, just as they did that first day God revealed them to me.
_____
Originally written January 31, 2008
About 6 months ago I was reading the book "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. In it, she suggests creating a life purpose statement. I have been captivated by this concept since I read it. Although I have thought that I had purpose for my life, I have never before looked at it from this vantage point. I have never thought of my entire life as a time line and referenced where I been and where I am, in contrast to where I want to be. Read my life purpose verse, then I will attempt to explain its meaning in terms of my heart:
I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. ~ Philippians 3:12-14, The Message
Here's what I take this to mean for me:
1. I will never be the person that says, "I've got it all figured out." I am trying desperately hard to become the Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister and Friend that Jesus Christ wants me to be. However, I fail in every area of my life daily. I don't know how I can let God down so much, fail so often and still be considered so valuable to Him. That baffles me. I know that every time I am in the Word and in prayer or just sitting with friends, I learn so much about this God I love. I think about it a lot in reference to 1 Corinthians Chapter 3. I know that there are days when all I can tolerate is God's milk. Then, when I am ready in a new area, He gives me meat. I am continually amazed at how He works on my heart in simple ways, continuing to reveal Himself to me.
2. I know that if I continue to seek God's will for my life, then I am headed in the right direction. I may have NO CLUE where He is taking me, but when the Creator of the universes is in control, who am I to ask questions? Not that I don't, because believe you me, I have SOOO many uncertainties. I also know that my God is big enough for me to doubt Him, have questions about Him, not believe Him and yet He still loves me. Amazing.
3. Lastly, (at least for now) I know that I am being made new. I am headed down the path that leads me to "Christ-likeness." Not that I'll get there anytime soon, but I know where I'm going. I don't want to go back to the old me. Not that I think that I was a horrible person before, the the new me is just so much better. I have a lot of fond memories of the time I spent before I knew Jesus. I know those memories will never fade, and many of them shaped me into who I am today. But the Spirit has taken over the old me and transformed me from the inside out. I have been made new. I am still the same old girl. I talk too much, say it too loud, laugh when no one else thinks stuff is funny, gross people out....but now, I'm different. I love looking for God in the every day. I realize that things in my life don't happen by "coincidence" and there is no such thing as "luck." Everything in the universe is held up by the God I serve. What an awesome way to live my life!
I still have many hurdles to jump, lots of mountains to climb and so many bridges to rebuild. But I know that with the power of Christ, I can overcome anything, because of His sacrifice for me.
_____
Looking back at this post just makes me even more aware of how amazing my God really is! Look at all He has done in our lives this year and how He has shown Himself time and time again. I know that no part of me deserves any of what He gives me, but the blessings we continue to receive through obedience are humbling.
Thank you all for your prayers of support lately. I can really feel them all around me, sustaining me, encouraging me and whispering truths when the author of lies tries to creep in! You all mean so much to me and I appreciate you journeying with me.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Birth Parents Do The Darndest Things
The craziest thing about being a foster mom is the realization that this person you love isn't REALLY yours. I mean, cognitively I know that. My heart doesn't seem to get the point.
When I hold Baby D, I think about my son. When I kiss his fat, round cheeks I think about my son. However, every Monday and Thursday, for 2.5 hours, I'm reminded that he's NOT my son. I am required to load him into the car of a social worker and allow him to be driven away.
When I hold Baby Girl, I feel love. When I kiss her soft head, smell her hair (yes, she has LOTS) and feed her at 3am, I feel love. When I talk to the social worker about how the visit went with birth mom, I'm reminded she's not my daughter.
However, these things I can tolerate. What pushes me to my limits is when birth parents decide to do (or say) things that, in my opinion, they have no right to do (or say).
For example, last Monday Baby D came home from a visit. I was at the hospital picking up Baby Girl, so Luke had the chance to speak with the social worker. Upon Baby D's return, the social worker tells Luke that the birth parents gave Baby D GRAPE JUICE. Are you kidding me?
This is further proof that God is in control. Had I been home, I'm not sure what I would have said. Thank you Lord for allowing my much calmer, more level headed husband to receive this news.
Now, if you're not a baby person, what you may not realize is that 4 month olds rarely need juice. You have the occasional baby who is extra constipated and needs the encouragement. Baby D is not one of those babies. At any rate, you usually offer these "backed up" babies Apple Juice and on rare occasion, Prune Juice.
NEVER GRAPE JUICE!!!
Grape juice is so completely NOT the first thing you introduce to a 4 month old. At least they had sense enough to dilute it. Baby D was incredibly fussy the rest of the afternoon (requiring being held...NOT good when you have a newborn) AND for the first time in 2 weeks, he woke up off and on throughout the night.
I cannot tell you how ticked I was. I'm over it now.
My encounters with birth parents does not end there. Oh no! On Friday, Baby Girl had her first visit with birth mom. When the social worker (same one) returned her to our home, she told me that birth mom said,
"From now on, when she goes out, can you make sure she has on a hat AND socks."
My blood still boils just thinking about it. Are you stinkin' kidding me?
This woman, who had her child taken from her because she COULD NOT REFRAIN FROM ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES WHILE PREGNANT, is asking me to please protect her baby with a hat and socks.
(For the record, it was a little chilly out, however, Baby Girl had on a onesie WITH a fleece-like jumpsuit on, PLUS a heavy blanket.)
I think there are still teeth marks in my tongue.
Over the last few years, God has emphasized patience, silence and refrain from harsh words. Never have so many reminders of scripture flown through my brain than at the moment the social worker uttered these words to me.
On another note, this week will be a crazy one. Baby D and Baby Girl both have visits on Monday, and we have Classical. On Wednesday, some dear friends return from Africa, on Thursday Baby D goes for another visit and on Friday we have doctor appointments for Baby D's 4 month check up (which means shots) and a weight check for Baby Girl.
Whew! I'm exhausted already. The good news is that Luke and I finally broke down and we hired someone to come clean our house. Okay, Luke broke down. I would have went for this YEARS ago.
She starts Monday. I CANNOT tell you how much I am looking forward to coming in from Classical on Monday to a fresh, clean house.
I smile just thinking about it. No more ring around the toilet, no more crunchies in the carpet, no more toothpaste dribble on the mirror, just....clean. For one day (okay maybe just until nap time is over), I will enjoy clean.
Ahhhhhhh.....maybe next week won't be so bad after all...as long as birth parents don't do anything crazy.
When I hold Baby D, I think about my son. When I kiss his fat, round cheeks I think about my son. However, every Monday and Thursday, for 2.5 hours, I'm reminded that he's NOT my son. I am required to load him into the car of a social worker and allow him to be driven away.
When I hold Baby Girl, I feel love. When I kiss her soft head, smell her hair (yes, she has LOTS) and feed her at 3am, I feel love. When I talk to the social worker about how the visit went with birth mom, I'm reminded she's not my daughter.
However, these things I can tolerate. What pushes me to my limits is when birth parents decide to do (or say) things that, in my opinion, they have no right to do (or say).
For example, last Monday Baby D came home from a visit. I was at the hospital picking up Baby Girl, so Luke had the chance to speak with the social worker. Upon Baby D's return, the social worker tells Luke that the birth parents gave Baby D GRAPE JUICE. Are you kidding me?
This is further proof that God is in control. Had I been home, I'm not sure what I would have said. Thank you Lord for allowing my much calmer, more level headed husband to receive this news.
Now, if you're not a baby person, what you may not realize is that 4 month olds rarely need juice. You have the occasional baby who is extra constipated and needs the encouragement. Baby D is not one of those babies. At any rate, you usually offer these "backed up" babies Apple Juice and on rare occasion, Prune Juice.
NEVER GRAPE JUICE!!!
Grape juice is so completely NOT the first thing you introduce to a 4 month old. At least they had sense enough to dilute it. Baby D was incredibly fussy the rest of the afternoon (requiring being held...NOT good when you have a newborn) AND for the first time in 2 weeks, he woke up off and on throughout the night.
I cannot tell you how ticked I was. I'm over it now.
My encounters with birth parents does not end there. Oh no! On Friday, Baby Girl had her first visit with birth mom. When the social worker (same one) returned her to our home, she told me that birth mom said,
"From now on, when she goes out, can you make sure she has on a hat AND socks."
My blood still boils just thinking about it. Are you stinkin' kidding me?
This woman, who had her child taken from her because she COULD NOT REFRAIN FROM ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES WHILE PREGNANT, is asking me to please protect her baby with a hat and socks.
(For the record, it was a little chilly out, however, Baby Girl had on a onesie WITH a fleece-like jumpsuit on, PLUS a heavy blanket.)
I think there are still teeth marks in my tongue.
Over the last few years, God has emphasized patience, silence and refrain from harsh words. Never have so many reminders of scripture flown through my brain than at the moment the social worker uttered these words to me.
On another note, this week will be a crazy one. Baby D and Baby Girl both have visits on Monday, and we have Classical. On Wednesday, some dear friends return from Africa, on Thursday Baby D goes for another visit and on Friday we have doctor appointments for Baby D's 4 month check up (which means shots) and a weight check for Baby Girl.
Whew! I'm exhausted already. The good news is that Luke and I finally broke down and we hired someone to come clean our house. Okay, Luke broke down. I would have went for this YEARS ago.
She starts Monday. I CANNOT tell you how much I am looking forward to coming in from Classical on Monday to a fresh, clean house.
I smile just thinking about it. No more ring around the toilet, no more crunchies in the carpet, no more toothpaste dribble on the mirror, just....clean. For one day (okay maybe just until nap time is over), I will enjoy clean.
Ahhhhhhh.....maybe next week won't be so bad after all...as long as birth parents don't do anything crazy.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Just A Few Things...
Everyone in our house seems to be feeling fine. I appreciate the prayers and good wishes! Thankfully, the babies did not get sick! Praise God!
Also, I updated the layout (and header) of my blog so that, hopefully, it is easier to read. Let me know what you think, if you'd like.
Things are good on the home-front. I plan on blogging sometime this week about how much I love Baby Girl and the craziness of birth parents. Wow, sometimes they test my tolerance level.
Hope you all have a restful, peaceful and blessed Sunday.
Also, I updated the layout (and header) of my blog so that, hopefully, it is easier to read. Let me know what you think, if you'd like.
Things are good on the home-front. I plan on blogging sometime this week about how much I love Baby Girl and the craziness of birth parents. Wow, sometimes they test my tolerance level.
Hope you all have a restful, peaceful and blessed Sunday.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Day 4 with 5, 4 and Under - SICK
Last night Elizabeth threw up twice. On Tuesday night, Lucas threw up twice, but we thought he had drank too much water. Looks like we've got a stomach bug...
Lucas feels puny this morning and so does Elizabeth. If it comes to mind, please pray that everyone feels better soon, but ESPECIALLY that the babies DO NOT get sick. Baby Girl only weighs 5lbs 7oz and I can't imagine someone that tiny getting a stomach bug.
Also, pray that I can have strength to handle sick, whiny, puny people. Last night was pretty rough and Luke and I basically got no sleep. Pray for Luke as he goes through his day that he will have strength.
Thanks!
Lucas feels puny this morning and so does Elizabeth. If it comes to mind, please pray that everyone feels better soon, but ESPECIALLY that the babies DO NOT get sick. Baby Girl only weighs 5lbs 7oz and I can't imagine someone that tiny getting a stomach bug.
Also, pray that I can have strength to handle sick, whiny, puny people. Last night was pretty rough and Luke and I basically got no sleep. Pray for Luke as he goes through his day that he will have strength.
Thanks!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
I Love Our PEDS
I just had to post a quick update and tell you all how much I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE our Pediatrician! This afternoon I took Baby Girl to the PEDS for a newborn check up. She weighed 5 lbs 7oz! Our doctor said she thought she looked excellent, despite what she went through while in the womb.
After I asked the bazillion questions I had (which I always have and our pediatrician always takes time to answer), I was asking about switching her formula to the same kind as Baby D. It would just make life so much simpler for us. I mentioned that we didn't have a WIC appointment until the middle of December.
To make a long story shorter, she GAVE us 4 cans of formula and said if we need more before our WIC appointment to just call back. Amazing!
Each time I see our pediatrician I'm reminded that we are so blessed to have someone who believes in our Lord to care for our children! She loves on them, cares for them, and gives them the same care she would give her own children!
She is priceless!
After I asked the bazillion questions I had (which I always have and our pediatrician always takes time to answer), I was asking about switching her formula to the same kind as Baby D. It would just make life so much simpler for us. I mentioned that we didn't have a WIC appointment until the middle of December.
To make a long story shorter, she GAVE us 4 cans of formula and said if we need more before our WIC appointment to just call back. Amazing!
Each time I see our pediatrician I'm reminded that we are so blessed to have someone who believes in our Lord to care for our children! She loves on them, cares for them, and gives them the same care she would give her own children!
She is priceless!
Are They Twins?
I have heard this question so many times it almost makes me wanna barf. However, I guess I could sorta see why there would be a question to so many people since Lucas is a good 5 pounds heavier than Ashlee. Ashlee has fiery red hair and Lucas is blond.
When I say, "Yes, they are twins," almost 95% of the time the very next question, from this complete stranger, is
"Are they identical?"
Sometimes, it's hard for me not to laugh out loud. If you are wondering why I would be laughing, let me explain. Ashlee is a girl, Lucas is a boy....that would make them opposite. Identical means EXACTLY alike.
If you didn't know that, don't feel bad, I didn't think about it either, until I had twins.
On Tuesday night Luke took me out for dinner for my birthday. To make it easier on our favorite baby sitter, we took Baby D and Baby Girl with us.
On the way, we joked about how funny it was that we considered two infants a "break." Two years ago, we took the twins (who were about 5 months-ish old) and Elizabeth (who was just over 2 years) and went out to dinner. At that time, Luke and I both swore we'd never take two infants into a restaurant again. Guess things change.
As we were walking in the door of my favorite seafood place, Luke toting Baby D's carrier and me with Baby Girl, we hear someone say
"Oh look! Twins!"
Clearly, they didn't have a clear view of the children we had with us. But then, someone said it again...
"Are they twins?" I look around thinking that surely they CAN'T be talking to us. Let me explain, incase you don't get it.
Baby D is a fat, roly-poly 4 month old boy with BIG blue eyes. Baby Girl is a 1 week old, (just under 6 pounds) girl with DARK SKIN, and a full head of beautiful, jet-black hair.
There is a slim-to-none chance that they could be twins.
As we sit down at our table our waitress comes over and in the perkiest of voices says,
"Hi I'm Jennifer, I'll be taking good care of you tonight."
As she takes our drink order, she looks at Baby D. We got the usual,
"Awwwww, he's so cute." But then, as she starts to look over to the other infant carrier, we got the funniest response yet.
Waitress Jennifer (poor girl) says,
"Oh! Two babies, are they twins (at this point she SEES Baby Girl.)
She mutters out something like,
Uh...., I, Uh...., am Jennifer, I'll be taking care of you. Uh...., I'll, uh, be right back with those waters."
Luke and I are laughing hysterically. Poor girl.
You know, now that I think about it, when I was pregnant with the twins and reading a bazillion books on twin pregnancy, I think I read somewhere that a woman had gotten pregnant with twins by two different men. Guess you never know...
When I say, "Yes, they are twins," almost 95% of the time the very next question, from this complete stranger, is
"Are they identical?"
Sometimes, it's hard for me not to laugh out loud. If you are wondering why I would be laughing, let me explain. Ashlee is a girl, Lucas is a boy....that would make them opposite. Identical means EXACTLY alike.
If you didn't know that, don't feel bad, I didn't think about it either, until I had twins.
On Tuesday night Luke took me out for dinner for my birthday. To make it easier on our favorite baby sitter, we took Baby D and Baby Girl with us.
On the way, we joked about how funny it was that we considered two infants a "break." Two years ago, we took the twins (who were about 5 months-ish old) and Elizabeth (who was just over 2 years) and went out to dinner. At that time, Luke and I both swore we'd never take two infants into a restaurant again. Guess things change.
As we were walking in the door of my favorite seafood place, Luke toting Baby D's carrier and me with Baby Girl, we hear someone say
"Oh look! Twins!"
Clearly, they didn't have a clear view of the children we had with us. But then, someone said it again...
"Are they twins?" I look around thinking that surely they CAN'T be talking to us. Let me explain, incase you don't get it.
Baby D is a fat, roly-poly 4 month old boy with BIG blue eyes. Baby Girl is a 1 week old, (just under 6 pounds) girl with DARK SKIN, and a full head of beautiful, jet-black hair.
There is a slim-to-none chance that they could be twins.
As we sit down at our table our waitress comes over and in the perkiest of voices says,
"Hi I'm Jennifer, I'll be taking good care of you tonight."
As she takes our drink order, she looks at Baby D. We got the usual,
"Awwwww, he's so cute." But then, as she starts to look over to the other infant carrier, we got the funniest response yet.
Waitress Jennifer (poor girl) says,
"Oh! Two babies, are they twins (at this point she SEES Baby Girl.)
She mutters out something like,
Uh...., I, Uh...., am Jennifer, I'll be taking care of you. Uh...., I'll, uh, be right back with those waters."
Luke and I are laughing hysterically. Poor girl.
You know, now that I think about it, when I was pregnant with the twins and reading a bazillion books on twin pregnancy, I think I read somewhere that a woman had gotten pregnant with twins by two different men. Guess you never know...
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Happy Birthday
Today is Jessica's Birthday. Otherwise she probably wouldn't tell you that. Happy Birthday beautiful. We love you, need you, and appreciate you everyday. Thank you God for giving me Jessica. Have a great Birthday.
Love,
Your Husband
Love,
Your Husband
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Day 1 with 5, 4 and Under
Today is my first day, going it alone, with five kids 4 years and under. Luke was home yesterday, so reality hasn't quite set in.
Baby Girl did okay last night, she slept between 2 and 3 hour stretches. Because I am blessed with a remarkable husband, he shared the load and from 4am on, he was up with her (and Baby D, because he clearly didn't want to miss out on the action) feeding, changing and holding.
Baby Girl likes to be held a lot and she is oh, so petite. She eats very well, about 2 ounces every 2 or so hours.
I took some quick pictures this morning and they aren't terribly good quality, but I wanted to give you guys a sneak peek.
Thank you so much for the outpouring of support and prayers. I cannot tell you how blessed I feel knowing that so many prayers are being prayed on our behalf. I do feel peaceful.
Yesterday, when I went to get Baby Girl from the hospital, their was a small glitch in paperwork. As I sat there, holding Baby Girl, waiting on the investigator to bring over the amended paperwork, I fell in love. She is so sweet it's hard not to love her completely.
Thanks again for the prayers, offers for food and support as we begin another journey!
Baby Girl did okay last night, she slept between 2 and 3 hour stretches. Because I am blessed with a remarkable husband, he shared the load and from 4am on, he was up with her (and Baby D, because he clearly didn't want to miss out on the action) feeding, changing and holding.
Baby Girl likes to be held a lot and she is oh, so petite. She eats very well, about 2 ounces every 2 or so hours.
I took some quick pictures this morning and they aren't terribly good quality, but I wanted to give you guys a sneak peek.
Thank you so much for the outpouring of support and prayers. I cannot tell you how blessed I feel knowing that so many prayers are being prayed on our behalf. I do feel peaceful.
Yesterday, when I went to get Baby Girl from the hospital, their was a small glitch in paperwork. As I sat there, holding Baby Girl, waiting on the investigator to bring over the amended paperwork, I fell in love. She is so sweet it's hard not to love her completely.
Thanks again for the prayers, offers for food and support as we begin another journey!
"And you are helping us by praying for us. Then many people will give thanks because God has graciously answered so many prayers for our safety."
~ 2 Corinthians 1:11
~ 2 Corinthians 1:11
Monday, October 13, 2008
Baby Girl Is Home
Baby Girl and I got home just after 4:00pm today. Immediately we all got dressed for FAMILY PICTURES with my friend, Kristen! I had scheduled them almost a month ago, before I knew we'd be getting Baby Girl. Kristen was so awesome, giving us extra time to "adjust" to life with FIVE KIDS!
Thanks for the prayers. I will try to post some "creative" pictures, like I did of Baby D here and here, sometime tomorrow.
Thanks for the prayers. I will try to post some "creative" pictures, like I did of Baby D here and here, sometime tomorrow.
Leaving for the Hospital
I don't know how many of you are blog-stalkers, but at any rate...
I'm leaving to go to the hospital NOW to get Baby Girl!
Thanks for your prayers!
I'm leaving to go to the hospital NOW to get Baby Girl!
Thanks for your prayers!
Waiting On Baby Girl
We are still waiting on Baby Girl. The social worker who is "removing" her is tied up in court so I might be going to get her at the hospital. Paperwork still has to be filed and copied and such.
Basically, it's just a mess!
I'll let you know as we get her. Thank you all so much for your encouraging words and prayers. Please keep praying!
Basically, it's just a mess!
I'll let you know as we get her. Thank you all so much for your encouraging words and prayers. Please keep praying!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)