This morning we went to court for the Adjudication and Disposition Hearings for Baby D. Basically, as I understand it, an adjudication hearing is the court proceeding where the petition accusations (the document that the judge initially signed for Baby D to be removed from his parents) is reviewed and if the parents feel that the child was unjustly removed, then they can contest the petition. If that happens then the case goes to trial (no jury, just the judge). However, Baby D's parents did not contest. All of the allegations in the petition were confirmed so we quickly moved onto the disposition. The disposition is where the attorneys recommend what needs to happen for the parents to get their child back. Then, the judge takes those recommendations and either modifies, adds to or omits any he/she deems necessary. It was all quite interesting. If you'd like more info on foster care court proceedings, click here (it will open a word document).
Of course, Baby D's birth parents were there, so I had all of the nervousness and emotion that I normally have when I am around them. Luke was there too, so that helped immensely. Can I just brag on my husband a minute....(of course I can, it's my blog!)...he is so amazing. He took the entire morning off to go to court. Now, if you know my husband at all you know that taking off work is not something he does lightly. In the 5.5 yrs we've been married he has NEVER called in sick (except 1 time when I was sick and couldn't take care of the kids). The only other time he's taken off work is when we have guests in town or for holidays. So here he is, beside me through this whole process. I was so thankful. Then, as we were sitting the parking lot waiting to go into the courthouse, he reaches over and takes my hand and says the most sincere prayer. He prays for the condition of our hearts (I especially needed that) and for our sweet Baby D. My husband is such a godly man, and I am so, so, so blessed.
Okay, so we get into the court room and it really wasn't that bad. The hardest part was listening to each attorney recommend that Baby D be reunified with his birth parents. I knew that this would be the case, but hearing it out loud crushed my heart. My mind immediately went to that moment when I would have to return him. I envisioned putting him in the car seat. My fat, chubby, handsome 1+ yr old, being buckled in and then watching the social worker drive him away forever. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I know that if that is where God leads us, He will sustain us, but I just can't let my mind go there...not yet.
Basically, the birth parents have A LOT to do. They have a long road ahead of them. Selfishly, I'm glad that they have so many things to do, because that decreases the chances of him going back to them. Then God whispers in to me, Don't you want them to know me? Be a light. It's too hard to swallow.
The most intriguing part of all was that the birth parents never even asked us how he was. When they came into the court room, before it all started, birth mom walked over to me and just said, "Does he need anything?" I told her diapers, because what else would I say? I'm so glad that I didn't blurt something inappropriate out like, "He really needs a loving, stable home...why don't you work on that, huh?" Praise God my filter has become better developed these last few years.
They never asked about him. They didn't ask who was keeping him while we were there. They didn't ask anything. How is that possible? How is it possible for a mother to look at the woman caring for her child and she not ask a single question about his well being? I don't understand and maybe I never will. Afterward, Luke and I went to get some coffee and digest what we'd just experienced. We continued to be baffled by their behavior and Luke continued to remind me that Jesus loves them the same way He loves us. I need to be reminded this continually. I need to be reminded that I should show them Christ's love. I need to be reminded of why we started this process in the first place...so that we could show the love of Christ to everyone we came in contact with. Remind me Lord, remind me, but please do it gently.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Because I'm a Mother
10 Random things I know, only because I'm a mother:
1. A newborn can shoot poop almost 5 feet.
2. Missing afternoon naps means bedtime will be a NIGHTMARE.
3. Hot dog and milk vomit is, by far, the smelliest of all the vomits.
4. Love can be unconditional.
5. Not dish soap or bath soap or even Equate brand shower gel can kill the smell of poop that has been smeared in a 2 yr olds hair, on her face, or all over her hands. Vinegar works nicely.
6. Slobbery kisses are the best kisses.
7. Toddlers rationalize things way differently than adults do. For example, it is completely logical to play in your own poop two times in the same day.
8. A 4 year old can understand faith and the power of prayer. This week, we prayed for the children of Africa, our Bubbie and Sissy, our Baby D and Frogs (all in the same night).
9. There is nothing in the world like skinny little arms wrapped around your neck.
10. The sitting area at the mall will suffice when a playground cannot be found. It's amazing how much fun you can have on sofas and chairs that are not in our house and have no rules.
1. A newborn can shoot poop almost 5 feet.
2. Missing afternoon naps means bedtime will be a NIGHTMARE.
3. Hot dog and milk vomit is, by far, the smelliest of all the vomits.
4. Love can be unconditional.
5. Not dish soap or bath soap or even Equate brand shower gel can kill the smell of poop that has been smeared in a 2 yr olds hair, on her face, or all over her hands. Vinegar works nicely.
6. Slobbery kisses are the best kisses.
7. Toddlers rationalize things way differently than adults do. For example, it is completely logical to play in your own poop two times in the same day.
8. A 4 year old can understand faith and the power of prayer. This week, we prayed for the children of Africa, our Bubbie and Sissy, our Baby D and Frogs (all in the same night).
9. There is nothing in the world like skinny little arms wrapped around your neck.
10. The sitting area at the mall will suffice when a playground cannot be found. It's amazing how much fun you can have on sofas and chairs that are not in our house and have no rules.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Good Times, Best Friends
I told you all I'd have pictures in tow from our time with my BFF and her family so here they are! You might want to make sure the warranty is up to date on your monitor because these kids are so cute your screen might just explode.
Sweet Addie, playing in the water
Mason enjoying the water in his own special way
The "Best Friends"
Rub-a-dub-dub....5 kids in the tub
Top: Mason & Elizabeth
Bottom: Ashlee, Addie & Lucas
Sweet Addie, playing in the water
Mason enjoying the water in his own special way
The "Best Friends"
Rub-a-dub-dub....5 kids in the tub
Top: Mason & ElizabethBottom: Ashlee, Addie & Lucas
Now, which two are the twins? I think all our kids favor so much it's scary. Guess when you've been friends as long as Amanda and I have, your DNA starts to merge. I know our brains are pretty much wired identical, except for a few minor changes.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
The Sheerest of Gifts
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
~ James 1:2-4 (The Message)
~ James 1:2-4 (The Message)
Pure joy, huh (That's the NIV translation)? A sheer gift? Really? If such is the case, then I'm so tickled I could pop! I love how it is written in The Message version because it reads,
when tests and challenges come at you from all sides (emphasis added).
I totally feel that way right now. I am being tested from every angle. Family frustrations, homeschooling worries, volunteer duties....then of course there's the usual, things. The "simpler" stuff like parenting, marriage, keeping my house up. Wow, a sheer gift? I struggle to see all the joy.
Where I AM finding joy is in the fact that I am yearning for time with my Father. I am desperate for His word. I'm thirsty. Not that I've opened my Bible more than once this week, but the longing is still there. 6-12 months ago, I would have just continued through my day lacking nothing. The stress would be piling higher still, but the outlet never identified, the desire never sparked. That is sheer joy for me. I have prayed so many times, "Father, let me desire to spend time with you. Let me long for your word." He has answered. He has provided the desire, the longing. Many times this past week I've walked right past my Bible, glancing at it with such longing. Knowing that a half hour, fifteen minutes, in it's goodness would replenish my soul. But life's demands have called me away. Now I can see the attacker roping me into his snares.
Two years ago, shortly after the twins' birth, Luke and I were laying in our bed, exhausted from the day. Our new precious babies, were snoozing softly in the bassinet next to our bed. As one of them squeaked out a sweet baby noise, we both smiled. Almost in unison we spoke of how much fun this parenting thing was. Yes, we were EXHAUSTED. Yes, we were strained, but it truly was pure joy. It really was the sheerest of gifts. Looking back, I totally see what verse 4 means when it says,
Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
We could not have felt more completely exhausted. I wondered a lot back then if we'd ever make it to the twins' 2nd birthday. I wondered how we would ever endure. However, I can see so clearly that God sent us Lucas and Ashlee exactly when He did so that we could become more mature, more developed parents. We don't have this parenting thing all figured out by any means. However, managing newborn twins and a 22 month old wasn't easy. It was physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausting. Having 3 kids under two certainly prepared us for having four kids under 4. This is WAY easier than it was when the twins were newbies, and I'm so much more spiritually mature. Knowing all of this, I know that this stress and these troubles are for God's perfect plan. I know that I am being tested because of a greater good. I know that He is sovereign, faithful and above all, LOVE. Because of that knowledge and my faith in Him, I will persevere. I will endure and I will try to consciously recognize the sheer gifts I have in my life at this very moment.
PS-Thanks Mandy for bringing these verses to my attention. I needed it so much more than you could know.
when tests and challenges come at you from all sides (emphasis added).
I totally feel that way right now. I am being tested from every angle. Family frustrations, homeschooling worries, volunteer duties....then of course there's the usual, things. The "simpler" stuff like parenting, marriage, keeping my house up. Wow, a sheer gift? I struggle to see all the joy.
Where I AM finding joy is in the fact that I am yearning for time with my Father. I am desperate for His word. I'm thirsty. Not that I've opened my Bible more than once this week, but the longing is still there. 6-12 months ago, I would have just continued through my day lacking nothing. The stress would be piling higher still, but the outlet never identified, the desire never sparked. That is sheer joy for me. I have prayed so many times, "Father, let me desire to spend time with you. Let me long for your word." He has answered. He has provided the desire, the longing. Many times this past week I've walked right past my Bible, glancing at it with such longing. Knowing that a half hour, fifteen minutes, in it's goodness would replenish my soul. But life's demands have called me away. Now I can see the attacker roping me into his snares.
Two years ago, shortly after the twins' birth, Luke and I were laying in our bed, exhausted from the day. Our new precious babies, were snoozing softly in the bassinet next to our bed. As one of them squeaked out a sweet baby noise, we both smiled. Almost in unison we spoke of how much fun this parenting thing was. Yes, we were EXHAUSTED. Yes, we were strained, but it truly was pure joy. It really was the sheerest of gifts. Looking back, I totally see what verse 4 means when it says,
Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
We could not have felt more completely exhausted. I wondered a lot back then if we'd ever make it to the twins' 2nd birthday. I wondered how we would ever endure. However, I can see so clearly that God sent us Lucas and Ashlee exactly when He did so that we could become more mature, more developed parents. We don't have this parenting thing all figured out by any means. However, managing newborn twins and a 22 month old wasn't easy. It was physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausting. Having 3 kids under two certainly prepared us for having four kids under 4. This is WAY easier than it was when the twins were newbies, and I'm so much more spiritually mature. Knowing all of this, I know that this stress and these troubles are for God's perfect plan. I know that I am being tested because of a greater good. I know that He is sovereign, faithful and above all, LOVE. Because of that knowledge and my faith in Him, I will persevere. I will endure and I will try to consciously recognize the sheer gifts I have in my life at this very moment.
PS-Thanks Mandy for bringing these verses to my attention. I needed it so much more than you could know.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Veruca Salt-iness
I have to confess that lately my prayers have become quite selfish. When Baby D first got here, my prayers were purely for God's will. My heart's earnest desire was to see this family come to know Christ and be reunited. Over the last several days, they have turned VERY selfish. I struggled with whether or not to post this (its been sitting here since last Wednesday), but I felt that I had posted every other emotion I've felt so far, so why not this one too?
My prayer life has started revolving around my own selfish desires. As I continue to work through Experiencing God, I read about George Müller and how he prayed in the Spirit. To do this, he first prayed for God to take all of his own desires out of his heart, each and every last one of them. Then, he asked for the Spirit to place God's desires within him. So, knowing I am being very selfish lately, yesterday I asked God to take my desires. As I sat there, waiting....wanting God to take them, I felt my heart begin to lift. I felt a tinge of relief...then suddenly as if I was physically moving I felt my heart reach out and grab all of my emotions and pull them back. Almost as if they were being smothered within me. Imagine a balloon that is about to float away into the clouds, then at the last minute you grab the last inch of string and violently pull it toward you, engulfing it with your arms.
I feel this inner struggle constantly. I want to release it all to God, but for some reason I'm holding on, unable to let go completely. Am I afraid of God's desires? Am I fearful of what I might feel? I'm busying myself with other things, like arguing or picking fights with my husband. In my quiet time, I'm searching for answers to my questions, rather than opening my heart to hear what God wants to say. I am looking for signs rather than God.
I'm being very selfish. I want to know ALL of the answers NOW. I want MY WAY. I want what I FEEL is best for me. Where is that refuge I had mere days ago? Geesh, I'm such an Israelite! I forget so quickly how redemptive God is and I turn to myself to solve my problems. Surely this too will pass, but I know that I must pray my way through it, and I just don't have the strength right now. I want Baby D forever, not just for now. I want everyone to see that we would make the best home for him. I want God to answer the cries of my heart.
I sort of feel like Veruca Salt on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory..."No Daddy, I want it NOW!" Unfortunately, God has never answered these demanding prayers in the past and I don't think He'll be starting anytime soon. So, I'm back to waiting, praying and trusting. I'm back to offering up my thoughts on a minute by minute basis. I'm back to asking God to change my heart. I mean, the world doesn't need another Veruca, and I certainly don't want THAT as my legacy.
My prayer life has started revolving around my own selfish desires. As I continue to work through Experiencing God, I read about George Müller and how he prayed in the Spirit. To do this, he first prayed for God to take all of his own desires out of his heart, each and every last one of them. Then, he asked for the Spirit to place God's desires within him. So, knowing I am being very selfish lately, yesterday I asked God to take my desires. As I sat there, waiting....wanting God to take them, I felt my heart begin to lift. I felt a tinge of relief...then suddenly as if I was physically moving I felt my heart reach out and grab all of my emotions and pull them back. Almost as if they were being smothered within me. Imagine a balloon that is about to float away into the clouds, then at the last minute you grab the last inch of string and violently pull it toward you, engulfing it with your arms.
I feel this inner struggle constantly. I want to release it all to God, but for some reason I'm holding on, unable to let go completely. Am I afraid of God's desires? Am I fearful of what I might feel? I'm busying myself with other things, like arguing or picking fights with my husband. In my quiet time, I'm searching for answers to my questions, rather than opening my heart to hear what God wants to say. I am looking for signs rather than God.
I'm being very selfish. I want to know ALL of the answers NOW. I want MY WAY. I want what I FEEL is best for me. Where is that refuge I had mere days ago? Geesh, I'm such an Israelite! I forget so quickly how redemptive God is and I turn to myself to solve my problems. Surely this too will pass, but I know that I must pray my way through it, and I just don't have the strength right now. I want Baby D forever, not just for now. I want everyone to see that we would make the best home for him. I want God to answer the cries of my heart.
I sort of feel like Veruca Salt on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory..."No Daddy, I want it NOW!" Unfortunately, God has never answered these demanding prayers in the past and I don't think He'll be starting anytime soon. So, I'm back to waiting, praying and trusting. I'm back to offering up my thoughts on a minute by minute basis. I'm back to asking God to change my heart. I mean, the world doesn't need another Veruca, and I certainly don't want THAT as my legacy.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Blogging Vaca
My best friend Amanda, her husband Jeremy and their two kids arrived early this morning at 7am. They drove the entire night, 12 hours, from Arkansas to visit us for a couple days before heading off for a family vacation in Gatlinburg. I am soaking up my time w/ her since I only get to see her about once a year. So, that means I'll be on a blogging vaca until at least Sunday night. See you all then....with pictures in tow!
Monday, June 23, 2008
Tagged
Amanda tagged me, so reluctantly here goes:
Crazy Eights
Eight things I am passionate about:
~ Christ
~ My family
~ My friends
~ Laughing
~ Breastfeeding
~ Foster Care
~ Student Ministry
~ Homeschooling
Eight things I say a lot:
"be gentle"
"be still"
"be nice"
"Use your spoon/fork"
"Leave him/her alone"
"Please stop screaming"
"I love you"
"Say you're sorry"
Eight things I'd like to do before I die (These are completely off the top of my head and have had NO forethought, so I reserve the right to delete any at any given time):
~ Pray with someone to receive Christ
~ Get a tattoo
~ Own an RV and see everything North & South America have to offer
~ Watch my kids grow up and live their lives for Christ
~ Be a grandmother
~ Have tons of kids through either birth or adoption (with 4 already in the house, I'd say we're well on our way)
~ Spend an extended amount of time in Europe/Asia
~ Take our kids to Disney and not worry about what we're spending
Eight books I've read recently:
~ Bible by God
~ Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby
~ Captivating by John and Stasi Elderidge
~ Train Up A Child by Michael and Debi Pearl
~ What Every Woman Wants In A Man/What Every Man Wants In A Woman by John and Diana Hagee
~ The Legend of the Monk and the Merchant by Terry Felber
~ Cookie Monster/Elmo/Big Bird Learns to Count/His Letters/Colors
~ Bible Board books, ie..Jonah, Joseph, Daniel
Eight Movies I have seen eight times:
Dumb and Dumber
The Lion King
A Bugs Life
Steel Magnolias
The Silence of the Lambs (yes, I know)
Big Sister Dora
Big Daddy
Titanic
Eight People I "tag," you know you love me ;)
Lani
Paige
Grace
Mary
Skylar
Twin Power Mommy (b/c I just realized I don't know your real name)
JSho
Beth
Crazy Eights
Eight things I am passionate about:
~ Christ
~ My family
~ My friends
~ Laughing
~ Breastfeeding
~ Foster Care
~ Student Ministry
~ Homeschooling
Eight things I say a lot:
"be gentle"
"be still"
"be nice"
"Use your spoon/fork"
"Leave him/her alone"
"Please stop screaming"
"I love you"
"Say you're sorry"
Eight things I'd like to do before I die (These are completely off the top of my head and have had NO forethought, so I reserve the right to delete any at any given time):
~ Pray with someone to receive Christ
~ Get a tattoo
~ Own an RV and see everything North & South America have to offer
~ Watch my kids grow up and live their lives for Christ
~ Be a grandmother
~ Have tons of kids through either birth or adoption (with 4 already in the house, I'd say we're well on our way)
~ Spend an extended amount of time in Europe/Asia
~ Take our kids to Disney and not worry about what we're spending
Eight books I've read recently:
~ Bible by God
~ Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby
~ Captivating by John and Stasi Elderidge
~ Train Up A Child by Michael and Debi Pearl
~ What Every Woman Wants In A Man/What Every Man Wants In A Woman by John and Diana Hagee
~ The Legend of the Monk and the Merchant by Terry Felber
~ Cookie Monster/Elmo/Big Bird Learns to Count/His Letters/Colors
~ Bible Board books, ie..Jonah, Joseph, Daniel
Eight Movies I have seen eight times:
Dumb and Dumber
The Lion King
A Bugs Life
Steel Magnolias
The Silence of the Lambs (yes, I know)
Big Sister Dora
Big Daddy
Titanic
Eight People I "tag," you know you love me ;)
Lani
Paige
Grace
Mary
Skylar
Twin Power Mommy (b/c I just realized I don't know your real name)
JSho
Beth
Saturday, June 21, 2008
My Comfort, My Refuge, My Strength
Yesterday's doctor visit went well. The birth parents showed up (even though I selfishly prayed they would bail out). Luke and I sat, in a small waiting room in the back with his birth parents for almost an hour. During that time I felt such peace. I must thank each of you for praying for us, because I know it was those prayers that kept my heart from racing the entire hour (though it probably would have been good cardio, and I need to burn all of the calories I can). I know it was prayer that led me through the day yesterday. For that, I thank you.
I must say though, that quite a few of my friends have said that I am "special." Or that our family is "amazing." Please, please, please do not give us the credit. It is not on our own accord that we are being strong. It is not through our own initiative that we are finding peace. We are not anything special. Trust me on this one, it's ALL God.
If you look at us and see peace, turn your eyes to heaven and give God praise. If you listen to us with our kids and hear selflessness, turn your ears to God and give Him glory. If you think, for one second, that Luke and I have exponential love, turn your heart to Christ and feel His goodness. This is SO not a Luke & Jessica thing, but a God thing.
I am so weak, so anxious and so incredibly dependent. I have "nubbin" fingernails because I chew them on the regular. I take acid-reducer medicine on a consistent basis as to subside my ever churning stomach. However, since this entire foster parent process started I have felt peace. Sure I've had moments of anxiety, frustration and questions. But, for the most part, (and I would say that's about 98% of the time) I've felt PEACE. Unsurpassed peace. Peace that I cannot explain. I can only look to Christ as the source of my strength.
The song "Shout To the Lord" plays through my mind so much. So, I decided to search my favorite line of that song on BibleGateway.com (my absolute favorite Bible site). The part of the song that sticks out is "My Comfort, My Shelter, Tower of refuge and strength."
When I searched "tower of refuge," it came back with Psalm 61:2-3:
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
So please, if you pass us in the store, see us in the halls at church or if we even come to mind, please give God all the glory. Although it's humbling and flattering to hear of others praising you, we truly can't take any credit. God has totally taken over this situation and brought us more peace than we could ever imagine. It is not our own, it is purely Him.
I must say though, that quite a few of my friends have said that I am "special." Or that our family is "amazing." Please, please, please do not give us the credit. It is not on our own accord that we are being strong. It is not through our own initiative that we are finding peace. We are not anything special. Trust me on this one, it's ALL God.
If you look at us and see peace, turn your eyes to heaven and give God praise. If you listen to us with our kids and hear selflessness, turn your ears to God and give Him glory. If you think, for one second, that Luke and I have exponential love, turn your heart to Christ and feel His goodness. This is SO not a Luke & Jessica thing, but a God thing.
I am so weak, so anxious and so incredibly dependent. I have "nubbin" fingernails because I chew them on the regular. I take acid-reducer medicine on a consistent basis as to subside my ever churning stomach. However, since this entire foster parent process started I have felt peace. Sure I've had moments of anxiety, frustration and questions. But, for the most part, (and I would say that's about 98% of the time) I've felt PEACE. Unsurpassed peace. Peace that I cannot explain. I can only look to Christ as the source of my strength.
The song "Shout To the Lord" plays through my mind so much. So, I decided to search my favorite line of that song on BibleGateway.com (my absolute favorite Bible site). The part of the song that sticks out is "My Comfort, My Shelter, Tower of refuge and strength."
When I searched "tower of refuge," it came back with Psalm 61:2-3:
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.
So please, if you pass us in the store, see us in the halls at church or if we even come to mind, please give God all the glory. Although it's humbling and flattering to hear of others praising you, we truly can't take any credit. God has totally taken over this situation and brought us more peace than we could ever imagine. It is not our own, it is purely Him.
Shout To the Lord
(click the title listen, I like the Skillet version best)
(click the title listen, I like the Skillet version best)
My Jesus, My Savior,
Lord there is none like You.
All of my days,
I want to praise,
The wonders of Your mighty love.
My Comfort, my Shelter
Tower of refuge and strength.
Let every breath, all that I am,
Never cease to worship You.
Shout to the Lord,
All the Earth let us sing.
Power and majesty
Praise to the King.
Mountains bow down
And the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name.
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands.
Forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares
To the promise I have in You.
Lord there is none like You.
All of my days,
I want to praise,
The wonders of Your mighty love.
My Comfort, my Shelter
Tower of refuge and strength.
Let every breath, all that I am,
Never cease to worship You.
Shout to the Lord,
All the Earth let us sing.
Power and majesty
Praise to the King.
Mountains bow down
And the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name.
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands.
Forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares
To the promise I have in You.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Enough
Today was draining. Baby D had his 2nd visit with his birth parents. I had the opportunity to observe the visit from the other side of a two-way mirror, with headphones to listen to the interactions. Can I just tell you how confusing it was for me?
Here I am, watching these people hold, kiss and love my baby. They are calling him "son" and referring to themselves as "Mom" and "Dad." My conscious self knows that these labels are true, but the mother in me was screaming something totally different.
To be honest, watching the visit wasn't as difficult for me as it could have been. I can sympathize with this mother on so many levels, just as I can all mothers. She must be thinking of her little guy day and night. Each time she feels the pain of her body recovering from childbirth, I know she must think of him. As she holds, kisses and smells him, I know her heart must yearn to take him home and know him.
On the other hand, my heart also turns cold when thoughts of her come to mind. How can any woman justify mis-treating her body when she is pregnant? How can any woman look at her bulging stomach in the mirror and have no regard for the life inside? How can any mother watch her child walk away with another "mom" and not have to be physically restrained?
God is working on me in all of this. I feel Him pressing my heart from many different directions. I want, so desperately, to feel His will. Today I feel like He's been speaking yet again. I analyze every interaction I have with the birth parents, especially after getting to observe them with the baby for over 1 1/2 hours today. I think about every comment they made. I mull over the comments of the social workers. I strip everything I've heard down to basics and replay in my mind over and over and over again. I have so many questions.
I have made a new friend, Sonja, who has been down this road before. She seems so wise. Each time a new emotion surfaces I want to call her and glean from her experience. However, I feel God leading me another way.
He simply says, Let me answer your questions. Let me guide your heart. Let me be enough.
Aren't I just like the world? We want so badly to know everything up front. We want to know the final destination before we even start the journey. We want all of the hard times to be laid out in front of us, with an answer key supplied. God doesn't work that way. As I continue to work through Experiencing God, I am see more and more clearly that I need to let God be enough. He needs to be everything in every area of my life. He needs to be the one to answer my questions. He needs to fulfill my every need. Although I can seek Godly counsel from people of this world, my main source of strength and guidance should be from Him and His word.
As I watched the interactions of this tattered family, God kept saying "Remember, Jeremiah 29:11." As I cleaned up dishes from dinner just minutes ago, I thought about those words.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)
Do I really think my plans are better than God's? Do I really think He will be surprised by the outcome? At this point, I must let go and allow God's plan to unfold. This will not be easy, nor will it be without heartache. However, His plan is best. He IS God. He loves me. He loves Baby D. He even loves Baby D's birth parents.
As I face another day where I will endure more time with Baby D's birth parents (tomorrow there's a Dr's appointment and they'll be there), I know that I must walk through the day arm in arm with God. I must look to Him for my answers, I must let Him be enough.
Here I am, watching these people hold, kiss and love my baby. They are calling him "son" and referring to themselves as "Mom" and "Dad." My conscious self knows that these labels are true, but the mother in me was screaming something totally different.
To be honest, watching the visit wasn't as difficult for me as it could have been. I can sympathize with this mother on so many levels, just as I can all mothers. She must be thinking of her little guy day and night. Each time she feels the pain of her body recovering from childbirth, I know she must think of him. As she holds, kisses and smells him, I know her heart must yearn to take him home and know him.
On the other hand, my heart also turns cold when thoughts of her come to mind. How can any woman justify mis-treating her body when she is pregnant? How can any woman look at her bulging stomach in the mirror and have no regard for the life inside? How can any mother watch her child walk away with another "mom" and not have to be physically restrained?
God is working on me in all of this. I feel Him pressing my heart from many different directions. I want, so desperately, to feel His will. Today I feel like He's been speaking yet again. I analyze every interaction I have with the birth parents, especially after getting to observe them with the baby for over 1 1/2 hours today. I think about every comment they made. I mull over the comments of the social workers. I strip everything I've heard down to basics and replay in my mind over and over and over again. I have so many questions.
I have made a new friend, Sonja, who has been down this road before. She seems so wise. Each time a new emotion surfaces I want to call her and glean from her experience. However, I feel God leading me another way.
He simply says, Let me answer your questions. Let me guide your heart. Let me be enough.
Aren't I just like the world? We want so badly to know everything up front. We want to know the final destination before we even start the journey. We want all of the hard times to be laid out in front of us, with an answer key supplied. God doesn't work that way. As I continue to work through Experiencing God, I am see more and more clearly that I need to let God be enough. He needs to be everything in every area of my life. He needs to be the one to answer my questions. He needs to fulfill my every need. Although I can seek Godly counsel from people of this world, my main source of strength and guidance should be from Him and His word.
As I watched the interactions of this tattered family, God kept saying "Remember, Jeremiah 29:11." As I cleaned up dishes from dinner just minutes ago, I thought about those words.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)
Do I really think my plans are better than God's? Do I really think He will be surprised by the outcome? At this point, I must let go and allow God's plan to unfold. This will not be easy, nor will it be without heartache. However, His plan is best. He IS God. He loves me. He loves Baby D. He even loves Baby D's birth parents.
As I face another day where I will endure more time with Baby D's birth parents (tomorrow there's a Dr's appointment and they'll be there), I know that I must walk through the day arm in arm with God. I must look to Him for my answers, I must let Him be enough.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Forecast: Foggy With A Promise of Clarity
I think I've said before, somewhere on this blog, that I don't believe in coincidence. When things seem to happen and they are all inner linked, I don't chalk it up to coincidence anymore, God gets the credit. I mean really, as a believer in Christ can I really think that something can continue to be shown to me over and over and over again and I just assume it is by accident? God is not a God of accidents. Nothing surprises Him.
I say that to tell you that lately, God has brought the same thing to my attention several times, from several different sources. These people are not related in any manner, other than being people that know me, and yet they seem to be speaking the same material into my life. I have yet to figure out what God is trying to tell me. I know it must be important since He's used 3 different people and as many different interactions to get this stuff in front of me.
Somewhere, I am missing what He is trying to tell me. I guess I'll just watch, re-read and pray about it until it comes into focus. I praise Him for being so patient as my inept mind tries to grasp what He is obviously yelling in my direction. I could take a few guesses, but that would be all that they are, guesses. The one thing I have figured out about my Creator is that when He wants me to see something, He makes it abundantly clear. I always walk away from the encounter knowing what He has said and what I am suppose to do. Sometimes, I'm suppose to pray and wait. Other times, I am only suppose to take one tiny step before I await His direction once more. No matter what the message, He always promises to make His ways known. He always allows me to see His purpose, and I am ALWAYS baffled that He chose me.
At any rate, here is what He has been putting in front of me lately. The first time I saw it, was on my best friend Amanda's blog. Then, my friend Emily suggested that we watch the video series in our 10th grade Sunday School class. If that wasn't enough, just this morning, I received and email from another friend with this exact material (condensed, of course). Take a look at it and tell me what God is saying to you through this very interesting video. It takes about a minute for Louie to get started, but bear with him. Also, I'd recommend checking out the entire 2 part series from your library. Trust me, it's worth it.
I say that to tell you that lately, God has brought the same thing to my attention several times, from several different sources. These people are not related in any manner, other than being people that know me, and yet they seem to be speaking the same material into my life. I have yet to figure out what God is trying to tell me. I know it must be important since He's used 3 different people and as many different interactions to get this stuff in front of me.
Somewhere, I am missing what He is trying to tell me. I guess I'll just watch, re-read and pray about it until it comes into focus. I praise Him for being so patient as my inept mind tries to grasp what He is obviously yelling in my direction. I could take a few guesses, but that would be all that they are, guesses. The one thing I have figured out about my Creator is that when He wants me to see something, He makes it abundantly clear. I always walk away from the encounter knowing what He has said and what I am suppose to do. Sometimes, I'm suppose to pray and wait. Other times, I am only suppose to take one tiny step before I await His direction once more. No matter what the message, He always promises to make His ways known. He always allows me to see His purpose, and I am ALWAYS baffled that He chose me.
At any rate, here is what He has been putting in front of me lately. The first time I saw it, was on my best friend Amanda's blog. Then, my friend Emily suggested that we watch the video series in our 10th grade Sunday School class. If that wasn't enough, just this morning, I received and email from another friend with this exact material (condensed, of course). Take a look at it and tell me what God is saying to you through this very interesting video. It takes about a minute for Louie to get started, but bear with him. Also, I'd recommend checking out the entire 2 part series from your library. Trust me, it's worth it.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Water, Water Everywhere
We have been so busy these last few days!! I realized that my last few posts have been exclusively about Baby D. While a lot of emotion has been wrapped around this little fella, my Mommy Fairness Alarm has been going off. Therefore, I must publish some pictures of Elizabeth, Lucas and Ashlee.
Before I do that, let me update you about Friday. I took Baby D to his appointment and I got to meet his birth parents. It went so much better than I could have ever anticipated and I could feel prayer all around me. God placed several things in my path (songs, familiar people, etc.) and I knew that prayers were being answered. I got the opportunity to speak with Baby D's social worker and get more information regarding his situation. It was good for me and helped me to gain some more insight into this process. This little guy is super, duper special and I'm loving him more and more with every diaper, bottle, cuddle and breath.
On Wednesday, we went to the pool at the country club (my parents are members, not us!). Elizabeth was SOOOOOO cute!
Ashlee's got the cutest booty ever! I loved how her little "cheeks" hung out of the sides!
Lucas hated this swimsuit. We tried to make him tough it out, but finally we caved and he got to use swimmies just like Elizabeth.
It's been super hot here with temps reaching the 100's. I tried to upload a video of the kids playing in the water, but it was taking too long. Maybe I'll try again if we ever get faster internet.
Also, some good friends are leaving tomorrow to serve the people of Kenya as missionaries. Please keep them in your prayers. God is good and as I've said before, I can't wait so see what lies ahead for our family.
Before I do that, let me update you about Friday. I took Baby D to his appointment and I got to meet his birth parents. It went so much better than I could have ever anticipated and I could feel prayer all around me. God placed several things in my path (songs, familiar people, etc.) and I knew that prayers were being answered. I got the opportunity to speak with Baby D's social worker and get more information regarding his situation. It was good for me and helped me to gain some more insight into this process. This little guy is super, duper special and I'm loving him more and more with every diaper, bottle, cuddle and breath.
Now, about those pictures...
On Wednesday, we went to the pool at the country club (my parents are members, not us!). Elizabeth was SOOOOOO cute!
Ashlee's got the cutest booty ever! I loved how her little "cheeks" hung out of the sides!
Lucas hated this swimsuit. We tried to make him tough it out, but finally we caved and he got to use swimmies just like Elizabeth.
It's been super hot here with temps reaching the 100's. I tried to upload a video of the kids playing in the water, but it was taking too long. Maybe I'll try again if we ever get faster internet.
Also, some good friends are leaving tomorrow to serve the people of Kenya as missionaries. Please keep them in your prayers. God is good and as I've said before, I can't wait so see what lies ahead for our family.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Simply The Best
I pretty much have the most amazing husband on the planet. I know, I know, a lot of wives say that, but for me it is so completely true. My husband is simply the best. Let me prove it to you:
He values a good book.
(That's Elizabeth about 3 months old.)
He takes life with a smile,
even when things pile up.
He knows how to handle
double trouble.
When the road of life gets rough,
he takes us on a joy ride.
He melts our hearts, even on the coldest of days.
He lifts us up.
(The extra one is our cousin Dylan.)
I could not ask for a better man to be my husband
or the father of my children.
Thank you honey for being all you've promised to be and more.
I am so blessed.
Happy Father's Day!
With our first "baby" he knew the
importance of quality time.
importance of quality time.
He values a good book.
(That's Elizabeth about 3 months old.)
He takes life with a smile,
even when things pile up.
He knows how to handle
double trouble.
When the road of life gets rough,
he takes us on a joy ride.
He melts our hearts, even on the coldest of days.
He lifts us up.
(The extra one is our cousin Dylan.)
I could not ask for a better man to be my husband
or the father of my children.
Thank you honey for being all you've promised to be and more.
I am so blessed.
Happy Father's Day!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Breakable Walls
Today has been a struggle. I found out from Baby D's social worker (different from our social worker, yes that makes 2 so far) that the first scheduled visit with birth parents is in the morning. Not only that, but because of some weird scheduling issues, I'll most likely be present and in the same room for most of the visit. It is unavoidable. My heart is torn. While I know it's beneficial, it also makes me nervous. So much rides on these visits. Will they say the right things just to be saying them? Will the social worker see if they are being fake? (A 3rd social worker, in case you're counting). Will they want him back? Will they want to let him go? Will they even know what they want this early in the game?
Earlier today as I struggled through these emotions I felt the Lord calling me. Even though the twins were waking up, I shut off the monitor and spent some time with God. I did my daily work from Experiencing God and realized that all God was asking me to do was pray and wait. I am so much a "get it done" kind of girl. If I know something needs to be fixed, I want to fix it. If I see that a conversation needs to be had, I wanna talk about it. If I think that something is about to happen, I want it to get here and get gone. On a side note: I am NOT this proactive with the cleanliness of my home, dirty laundry, etc. Guess you can't have it all, huh?
Anyway, as I finished up my daily work with Henry Blackaby, I felt God saying "Pray." So, I prayed. I told God that I wasn't sure how I was suppose to feel. I told Him that I knew there were walls around my heart. I told Him that I was struggling to find balance. I told Him I knew He'd heard my prayers and that He would answer. Still feeling the call to Jeremiah 29:11(as I had since I first heard about Baby D), I decided I'd read the entire 29th chapter of Jeremiah. Can I just tell you how cool God is?
Let me set the stage. Jeremiah the prophet is writing a letter to the exiles from Jerusalem. These people had been banished from Jerusalem to Babylon by King Nebuchadnezzar. In the letter Jeremiah basically tells them that God has spoken to him and His message to the people is that they should get comfortable (my translation, not NIV). God said to them:
Clearly they'd been asking God, "What do we do? How do we live? How long will this last?" Hummm....those questions sounded familiar to my pleading heart.
Basically, they are to carry on with their lives as normal. Normal? Really? Come on God! Nothing about this is normal! I have some other woman's baby in my home. I'm suppose to treat this baby normally? Like mine? Go about my life as if he were my own?
In that still, small voice I hear, "Yes." I'm totally floored. I prayed and asked and He made known. Now that I had my answer, I had to pray the hardest part yet. "Father, tear down the walls. Tear them down so that I can love this sweet baby as my own. Keep me from being guarded. Open my heart to him. Let me love."
I left my quiet time and continued on with my day. All 4 kids woke up, had a snack and we went out to play in the sand and water. Later, I brought Baby D upstairs and started getting dinner ready. I was feeding him his bottle when it hit me like a hurricane. "You're mine," I whispered softly, "and I'll love you as long as God lets me." Even now, typing those words brings tears to my eyes. I sat with Baby D, on our couch and the flood gates opened. God slowly and faithfully tore down each and every brick from around my heart. I cuddled, kissed and allowed this child into my heart. I promised him I'd love him forever, whether he's in our home or not. I allowed my soul to birth one more child. My heart divided once more, but this time making enough room for one more tiny person.
Today, I became a mother to 4.
May the words of my mouth and
the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
~ Psalm 19:13
(Yes, that is Baby D's preciousness pictured!)
Earlier today as I struggled through these emotions I felt the Lord calling me. Even though the twins were waking up, I shut off the monitor and spent some time with God. I did my daily work from Experiencing God and realized that all God was asking me to do was pray and wait. I am so much a "get it done" kind of girl. If I know something needs to be fixed, I want to fix it. If I see that a conversation needs to be had, I wanna talk about it. If I think that something is about to happen, I want it to get here and get gone. On a side note: I am NOT this proactive with the cleanliness of my home, dirty laundry, etc. Guess you can't have it all, huh?
Anyway, as I finished up my daily work with Henry Blackaby, I felt God saying "Pray." So, I prayed. I told God that I wasn't sure how I was suppose to feel. I told Him that I knew there were walls around my heart. I told Him that I was struggling to find balance. I told Him I knew He'd heard my prayers and that He would answer. Still feeling the call to Jeremiah 29:11(as I had since I first heard about Baby D), I decided I'd read the entire 29th chapter of Jeremiah. Can I just tell you how cool God is?
Let me set the stage. Jeremiah the prophet is writing a letter to the exiles from Jerusalem. These people had been banished from Jerusalem to Babylon by King Nebuchadnezzar. In the letter Jeremiah basically tells them that God has spoken to him and His message to the people is that they should get comfortable (my translation, not NIV). God said to them:
"Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease." v. 5-6
Clearly they'd been asking God, "What do we do? How do we live? How long will this last?" Hummm....those questions sounded familiar to my pleading heart.
Basically, they are to carry on with their lives as normal. Normal? Really? Come on God! Nothing about this is normal! I have some other woman's baby in my home. I'm suppose to treat this baby normally? Like mine? Go about my life as if he were my own?
In that still, small voice I hear, "Yes." I'm totally floored. I prayed and asked and He made known. Now that I had my answer, I had to pray the hardest part yet. "Father, tear down the walls. Tear them down so that I can love this sweet baby as my own. Keep me from being guarded. Open my heart to him. Let me love."
I left my quiet time and continued on with my day. All 4 kids woke up, had a snack and we went out to play in the sand and water. Later, I brought Baby D upstairs and started getting dinner ready. I was feeding him his bottle when it hit me like a hurricane. "You're mine," I whispered softly, "and I'll love you as long as God lets me." Even now, typing those words brings tears to my eyes. I sat with Baby D, on our couch and the flood gates opened. God slowly and faithfully tore down each and every brick from around my heart. I cuddled, kissed and allowed this child into my heart. I promised him I'd love him forever, whether he's in our home or not. I allowed my soul to birth one more child. My heart divided once more, but this time making enough room for one more tiny person.
Today, I became a mother to 4.
May the words of my mouth and
the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
~ Psalm 19:13
(Yes, that is Baby D's preciousness pictured!)
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
"D" Day
We've had Baby D for just over 24 hours now. He's the sweetest baby. As I woke up with him last night, I was reminded why I have always loved being a new mother. Yes, the nights are hard, but I also treasure them most. When everyone and everything else is asleep, I have special moments with my babies. Last night Baby D and I shared precious moments. As he sipped his bottle I thought about his birth parents. I prayed for them and asked God to reveal himself to them. My earnest prayer is that they would become believers in Christ, and allow this situation to infiltrate their hearts to know Him more.
As for Baby D, his disposition is so calm. He hates being cold, which includes having his diaper changed and his navel cleaned with alcohol. He LOVES being swaddled. Elizabeth, Lucas and Ashlee are doing so great with him. At the rate they are going, they'll probably kiss raw spots on his little head. He's eating about every 2 hours and is almost up to 2 ounces each feeding. As I'm sure you can understand, I am unable to post photos of his face or ones that might reveal his identity. However, I tried to be creative and give you a peek at what this precious little guys is like. Here are some of my favorites from today.
Elizabeth sat watching Baby D for almost 30 minutes this morning. She's so compassionate towards him . She's already asking me how long he gets to stay. Notice her attire? She's best at "Mommying" when she's princessed up!
What precious little ears!
What a precious baby boy!
As for Baby D, his disposition is so calm. He hates being cold, which includes having his diaper changed and his navel cleaned with alcohol. He LOVES being swaddled. Elizabeth, Lucas and Ashlee are doing so great with him. At the rate they are going, they'll probably kiss raw spots on his little head. He's eating about every 2 hours and is almost up to 2 ounces each feeding. As I'm sure you can understand, I am unable to post photos of his face or ones that might reveal his identity. However, I tried to be creative and give you a peek at what this precious little guys is like. Here are some of my favorites from today.
Elizabeth sat watching Baby D for almost 30 minutes this morning. She's so compassionate towards him . She's already asking me how long he gets to stay. Notice her attire? She's best at "Mommying" when she's princessed up!
What precious little ears!
What a precious baby boy!
My child, listen to what I say,
and treasure my commands.
Tune your ears to wisdom,
and concentrate on understanding.
Cry out for insight,
and ask for understanding.
~ Proverbs 2:1-3
and treasure my commands.
Tune your ears to wisdom,
and concentrate on understanding.
Cry out for insight,
and ask for understanding.
~ Proverbs 2:1-3
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Sweet Baby Boy
We just got sweet baby "D" about 30 minutes ago. He's been changed, fed and is now resting. We appreciate your prayers so much. This morning he weighed 5lbs 4oz. He's soooo tiny. Elizabeth is already taking charge and being a little Mommy. I will post more later.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Trusting Balance
The kids are home from the pool (they went last minute with MeMe and PawPaw). The house is quiet. I've had some time to think about this baby. I've been able to speak with other people involved and I'm struggling to find balance.
At what point do I allow my heart to surrender all and love this baby? At what point do I remain guarded, just in case. As I sit in the silence of my house I think about baby cries that will soon fill the air, I struggle to know how much is enough. How much is too much?
In my mind, I've likened these last few weeks to those of a pregnancy. Those last precious weeks where you are desperate for the baby to get here, yet overwhelmed at the thought of having a tiny person to care for.
The social worker just called and said that it will be tomorrow morning before the baby is discharged from the hospital. New emotions surface as I realize that this little guy is in the hospital, getting only the attention required. It's hard not to fall in love, and I've never even seen his precious face. I know that God already knows. I know the path has already been seen by the most amazing One. I know that he is being held in the hands of the Almighty. Jeremiah 29:11 races through my mind. He knows the plans, He knows the future and the most beautiful part yet is, He knows my heart.
At what point do I allow my heart to surrender all and love this baby? At what point do I remain guarded, just in case. As I sit in the silence of my house I think about baby cries that will soon fill the air, I struggle to know how much is enough. How much is too much?
In my mind, I've likened these last few weeks to those of a pregnancy. Those last precious weeks where you are desperate for the baby to get here, yet overwhelmed at the thought of having a tiny person to care for.
The social worker just called and said that it will be tomorrow morning before the baby is discharged from the hospital. New emotions surface as I realize that this little guy is in the hospital, getting only the attention required. It's hard not to fall in love, and I've never even seen his precious face. I know that God already knows. I know the path has already been seen by the most amazing One. I know that he is being held in the hands of the Almighty. Jeremiah 29:11 races through my mind. He knows the plans, He knows the future and the most beautiful part yet is, He knows my heart.
It's GO Time
God works fast. We MAY be getting a baby later today. As I'm sure you can understand, I won't be able to go into great detail about the baby and his situation. However, we can use all the prayer you can offer.
Thanks for taking this journey with us. I'm excited to see what God has in store for us.
Thanks for taking this journey with us. I'm excited to see what God has in store for us.
Friday, June 6, 2008
It's Officially Official
We got a confirmation call today! We are officially licensed foster parents. I am so super excited! I'll try to keep you posted as we receive children into our home!! Please pray for us as we begin this journey. God is so amazing and I can't wait to see what He has in store.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
My Abba, My Dad
I received a call from our social worker today. It was the call that I have been anticipating for a few weeks now. Even though we're not "official" we're close. She spoke with the person at the state department, and our application has been reviewed, approved and processed. Next comes the final step of it being "keyed" into the system. We're not official until all is keyed in and we obtain a home reference number. Most likely, that should all be done by Friday (6/6).
As I was in my quiet time this morning, I felt God calling to me to just be still. I felt Him calling me to cuddle. I know that sounds weird and as I heard Him say that to me in my heart, I blurted out "Really?" I felt Him saying, "Come close, rest your head on my chest and let me hold you." I've never experienced anything like that before. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with emotion, not in a tearful sense, but in a childlike way. I felt Him close, I snuggled up with an oversized pillow and visualized myself cuddled into my Father. I've never had this type of intimacy with Him before so it was strange, yet marvelous. As I sat there, on the floor of my living room, hugging a pillow, I felt Him loving me as a father loves his daughter. One word flowed from my heart and burst forth from my lips ABBA.
I had read somewhere before that Abba is a name used to reference God in the most endearing way, almost like calling Him Daddy. Although there is no specific word in the English language to properly translate Abba, today I felt the emotion tied to that word.
Flash forward to this afternoon, I hang up the phone after speaking with the social worker. I feel overwhelming emotion. I feel myself anticipating, much like childbirth, a child that is coming to our home. I don't know when, I won't know how and I can't understand why, but a child is coming to us.
Today, my Abba allowed me an intimacy I've never felt. As I thought about that today, I realized that He is also holding that precious child, cuddling her. Keeping him or her safe until they can become a part of our family, even if it's temporary. I pray that as we journey down this path that will be rocky, tiresome, joyful and lovely, that my Abba will continue to hold me, secure against His chest, reassuring me "I'm here, I'm here..."
As I was in my quiet time this morning, I felt God calling to me to just be still. I felt Him calling me to cuddle. I know that sounds weird and as I heard Him say that to me in my heart, I blurted out "Really?" I felt Him saying, "Come close, rest your head on my chest and let me hold you." I've never experienced anything like that before. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with emotion, not in a tearful sense, but in a childlike way. I felt Him close, I snuggled up with an oversized pillow and visualized myself cuddled into my Father. I've never had this type of intimacy with Him before so it was strange, yet marvelous. As I sat there, on the floor of my living room, hugging a pillow, I felt Him loving me as a father loves his daughter. One word flowed from my heart and burst forth from my lips ABBA.
I had read somewhere before that Abba is a name used to reference God in the most endearing way, almost like calling Him Daddy. Although there is no specific word in the English language to properly translate Abba, today I felt the emotion tied to that word.
Flash forward to this afternoon, I hang up the phone after speaking with the social worker. I feel overwhelming emotion. I feel myself anticipating, much like childbirth, a child that is coming to our home. I don't know when, I won't know how and I can't understand why, but a child is coming to us.
Today, my Abba allowed me an intimacy I've never felt. As I thought about that today, I realized that He is also holding that precious child, cuddling her. Keeping him or her safe until they can become a part of our family, even if it's temporary. I pray that as we journey down this path that will be rocky, tiresome, joyful and lovely, that my Abba will continue to hold me, secure against His chest, reassuring me "I'm here, I'm here..."
Monday, June 2, 2008
HIM
I think of a million excuses. I have a to-do list a mile long, that must get done instead. I count Sunday morning worship, Tuesday morning Bible Study group and Wednesday nights with the youth. I tell myself that my nap time was used for resting in Him.
Those are lies. Real relationships take work. Love relationships require efforts of great magnitude. Intimacy is necessary.
I expect Him to speak but I never stop and listen. I pray for guidance and discernment without cultivating the bond. I seek wisdom, honor and value, but ignore the essential Truth. My heart screams with questions, when the answers have already been written.
I toss ideas around in my head wondering if the Spirit is prompting, knowing if it were Him, He'd be more clear because that's His character.
I remember prior pain and hope the scars have healed, forgetting how He washed them clean with His own hands.
Anxiety tortures my mind, keeping me awake. I ask Him why. He makes it clear that He's waiting for me to lay it at His feet.
He sits and waits as I walk right by, promising to catch up later, committing to Him my left-overs, my tired mind, my weary heart. I vow to make our time priority, often breaking my promise.
He always keeps His promises. He's always faithful. He's always true, He's always good. He always has time for me. He never keeps me waiting, especially when I need Him most. He's WAY busier than I'll ever be.
The problem with my relationship with God is ME.
Those are lies. Real relationships take work. Love relationships require efforts of great magnitude. Intimacy is necessary.
I expect Him to speak but I never stop and listen. I pray for guidance and discernment without cultivating the bond. I seek wisdom, honor and value, but ignore the essential Truth. My heart screams with questions, when the answers have already been written.
I toss ideas around in my head wondering if the Spirit is prompting, knowing if it were Him, He'd be more clear because that's His character.
I remember prior pain and hope the scars have healed, forgetting how He washed them clean with His own hands.
Anxiety tortures my mind, keeping me awake. I ask Him why. He makes it clear that He's waiting for me to lay it at His feet.
He sits and waits as I walk right by, promising to catch up later, committing to Him my left-overs, my tired mind, my weary heart. I vow to make our time priority, often breaking my promise.
He always keeps His promises. He's always faithful. He's always true, He's always good. He always has time for me. He never keeps me waiting, especially when I need Him most. He's WAY busier than I'll ever be.
The problem with my relationship with God is ME.
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