Sorry I've been so slack in posting over the last week or two.
Honestly?
I've been in a funk. I don't know if it is situational or the onset of something much bigger. Depression runs in my family and I am struggling to figure out if that's what I'm feeling or if it is just lack of sunshine, focus and time in The Word.
Do not misunderstand what I am about to write. I LOVE my life. I LOVE my family. I LOVE being the mother to these 5 children. Part of me even hesitates to tell you all how I feel, because there are some out there who will be eager to say "I told you so!" But, I figure that this is part of the process of mothering, it's part of the journey. I'm sure most women feel this way at some point as a mother, they are just too afraid of being ostracized to express it. But I've never been one to shy away from raw emotion, so here goes:
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to only have 1 (or 2) kids. I wonder what the freedom is like. I wonder if I can remember not taking for granted being able to go to Wal-mart WHENEVER. I wonder if I can remember what it's like to doat over every thing your ONE child does.
Don't get me wrong, I know kids are a lot of work, no matter how many you have. But JUST one. Ahhhhhhh, somedays I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to have a cleaner house. I wonder what it must be like to be that woman who CARES about the details and the cleanliness of her home. To have THAT house, that everyone comments on and says, "How does she do it?" I wonder what it would take to make me care that much about my house. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to still have a group of girlfriends who call you for no reason, just to chat. Girlfriends who still invite themselves over. Girlfriends to call you because they just want to know how your day is going. Girlfriends that plan for girls' lunch or girls' night out. Girls who want to be around ME, not just because they know I'll have a response to most of their parenting questions. Girls who just want to be around me because I'm actually, you know, fun.
It's not that I don't have friends, I DO (In fact, I'm honored to bestow that title upon many of you who read this blog). But I'm finding that the ones that I thought were deep and meaningful are nothing more than casual. I'm finding that the women who understand the ins and outs of my heart are not always the ones that I expected. I wonder why the people I hold closest are not the ones that I have known the longest. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it will be like when my kids are grown and living their own lives. I look 10 (and sometimes 20) years down the road and I wonder if I'll still have babies in my home, if my teenage kids will want their momma around, if my life will resemble "ME" at all. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to not have to be a "Conflict Manager." To have a perfect day from heaven, where everyone apologizes, uses an appropriate voice level and tone, takes a nap without a fight, shares, tolerates and shows compassion, without threat from Mom and the spanker. Somedays, I wonder.
Somedays, I wonder if I will ever look back at my life and be completely okay with how it turned out. I wonder if I will be okay with looking at it and saying, "God, it hurt, but I surrendered it to you. I gave you all that I could. I am bruised, scarred, tear-stained and broken. But I did it Lord, I did it." Somedays, I wonder.
I hear ya sister!
ReplyDeleteI have a similar (not so well typed) post with emotions like you put.
ReplyDeleteIt's HARD being a mommy....it's HARD being a wife/lover to my man.
It's HARD being a good friend and FINDING a good friend.
I sometimes wonder why i long for those days without my kids, then when i am gone for that day...i miss them soooo terribly much.
I feel like life can often times be so chaotic...and i wanna just run away into a hole and hide for a couple of months.
I LOVE my kids, LOVE my Hubby, LOVE my family and am super blessed to have what i have.
Naturally it's all because of HIM above that i am as blessed as i am....yet i feel worn, beat up and spent alot of days.
I share your pain (just with 2 less kiddos to stress about).
It's part of being a mommy who cares, who puts her "all" into her role and wants to succeed in the game of parenting.
Hang in there...
You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteI often have those same ponderings. Oh how simple life seemed when I had "only" 10 children.
I often wonder if I'll ever have girlfriends to just "hang out" with.
Yes ... being a mommy can be TOUGH ... but the BLESSINGS far surpass the trials.
Hang in there ... for the next 10 or 20 or 30 years with little ones. It's worth it!
many blessings,
mama of 13 :)
I like you because you're fun...and because you are YOU (not because you have a wealth of parenting information in your head--which is nice, but not fun).
ReplyDeleteGive me a couple of months and maybe I'll be identifying with you just a little more...
Looking forward to getting together SOON and gleaning some parenting knowlege, Ol' Wise One (KIDDING..I'm totally kidding). I'm looking forward to getting together for a GOOD laugh.
clearly I can't spell this morning..."knowledge" Lindsey..."knowledge"...no wonder it was red and underlined...GEEZE.
ReplyDeleteHey. You know I wonder everything that you just posted? Almost exactly identical. I also wonder what it would be like to spend time with my husband whenever I felt like it, without "dividing and conquering" the kids. I wonder what it would feel like to "be done" and know we would only raise 4 kids...would it bring relief or sadness? I wonder if my heart would break to not have another baby to nurse, or would I miss receiving that sudden call to pick up an "orphan" newborn at a local hospital.
ReplyDeleteI then rest knowing that this is a season of my life, that God has specifically called me to. It is a challenging season. A self-sacrificing season. A season which presents me with the opportunity have a bounty of love which most people will never experience. A season to be Christ's foot soldier.
And I THANK GOD for you in my life! Without you, life would not be as sweet. I wish I had more time to hang out with you, more time to just shoot the breeze. And the only reason I do have you as a friend (other than you KNOW what I am going through) is because you are FUN. Trust me. I don't have time to waste hanging out with un-fun people!!
Thanks for being real. Let's get together soon.
I am where you are right now...in fact just yesterday I was daydreaming about public school for all of them and what I would do with all that free time. My peace with the situation almost always is relative to the amount of time I have set aside for Bible study, to just be with Jesus. It sounds so simple, doesn't it, I don't know why I keep forgetting...
ReplyDeleteI think you are right that every mother thinks these things at times. Although I have only 2 kids, I find myself thinking of friends you are kidless and wondering, what if that was me...the ease of that life is alluring. (And do not get me started about the house cleaning...or lack there of!)
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself, friend. If you think this is something more than a funk, do not hesitate in getting the help you need and letting me know how I can help.
Thank you for the reminder that we need to reach out to each other, to be there in real life, not just in cyberdom. Let's play soon and chat about doing a girl's night out too! I think you are very FUN and I need some more FUN in my life!
Oh goodness. You're getting lots of comments sharing that we're all there or have been there. Me too. I love reading your blog because you make me laugh. You make me smile. You are REAL and I LOVE that. And I wonder, daily, how you do it. Who cares if your house is clean? You care for your kids in a way most people are incapable of. You take children into your home, call them your own and still have to deal with their idiot birth parents. That takes more than I could ever manage and I know that and I admire you for that and I pray for you daily. I don't REALLY know you, but I do consider you a friend...in a virtual, bloggy, computer kind of way. And I wish we lived closer so I could know you in a "lets throw the kids in the backyard and have a Coke!" kind of way. Have a blessed day, Friend. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteI agree with all the above!
ReplyDeleteYou should have seen me last Friday! It was not a good day at all! I completely lost my mind!
We ALL have those days, and we all have the other days too, you know, the ones you would not trade for anything.
I always say that the good out weighs the bad, and some days, I actually believe it-lol!
There is a song by Casting Crowns you can scroll through my playlist (located at the bottom, #36) on my blog and listen to it.
It is called Stained Glass Masquerade. My life story! I usually feel so alone, but it is nice to know there are others willing to admit to the same feelings and struggles!
Love Ya Bunches!
I only have 2 kids and I don't remember that last time my house was clean! I think it was Christmas when we had family here!! I don't think I will ever really care whether my house is spotless & clean all the time.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with you about friends. I have a couple close friends, but one has so much going on, that I really miss our time to just talk. I would love to have a group of friends to get together with every so often. But I'm not an outgoing person, so it's harder for me to be part of a group like that.
I try not to think too far down the road--my oldest is 12 and that is scary enough for me! If I look any further down the road, I might not ever let her leave the house again!!
i hear you too. i've often wonder what it'd be like having only a one or two kids...and then say. BORING. :0) lol. i don't know if i could handle so much quiet. well i probably could, i'm just so acustom to craziness now. god is good and i think he knows us better than we could ever know ourselves. good thing. praying for you and your funkyness. :0)
ReplyDeleteThe questions will always remain this side of heaven, but fact is you are doing it! You are in the midst of it! You have handled it! You could do it again! Whatever IT is God has given you the strength to carry on with a passion some could not even begin to understand.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful mother Jessica, simply because you have selflessly given yourself to your family (yes, even on your not-so-good days). You have opened your home to more than just what you and your husband have together. You can turn to your savior and say, "today I can't do it".
You know how to be humble, you know how to love, you know how to be a friend even if that means only listening and giving answers. You can do it! you have done it, you are in the midst of it and you could do it again! All because it is God's purpose for you just to be you (and surrender to HIM) and He will do the rest through you! YOU are living it!
"God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called!"
Oh and ditto on what Beth said. I don't waste time on un-fun friends either! haha
love ya gal!
I've wondered some of the same things and I only have two kids. This third one will probably turn my life upsidedown forever. I hope so. Even though I wish I could have moments with my friends and husband when I want them, I would still prefer the chaos and stress to boredom any day. As for my house, it wasn't clean before I had kids. I would be kidding myself if I thought I would ever change that under different circumstances.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm the worst friend on earth, but I want you to know that you and Luke are ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers and I love you.
ReplyDelete