The Slow Fade

I hope you all are ready for this. I am about to probably blow any pre-conceived ideas you have of me right out of the water. I'm gonna have some serious confessional time and I hope you all will see that the comments you've made about me being "strong" or "wonderful" or "amazing" are not what you may think.

Everything in me that is good is from God and His power working through me. Let me prove it to you.

Today, I'm pretty ticked at my husband. Actually, it started last night. In truth, he hasn't done anything wrong. I've simply picked out something, twisted in my mind to be totally out of context, not explained my feelings to him, and yet I've expected him to read my not-so-wonderful body language and completely decode the thoughts in my head.

Yes, quite unfair.

Luke is doing a paper route for a friend. That means he must go to bed insanely early (like 9:00pm) and wake up at 2:00am. He runs the route from 2:00ish until about 4:00am. This isn't bad, is it?

However, in my mind, it goes like this:

I CANNOT BELIEVE he is doing that paper route. Doesn't he see that I've had a cold for 4 days and I'm exhausted?!? If he'd like to be awake from 2-6am, I can give him something to do. He can take care of this baby and let me sleep!!

In reality, I have the most remarkable husband on the planet. He, so graciously, agrees to take the shift of feeding, holding and changing from 4am until he leaves for work at 7:30am so that I can sleep. When he gets home from work, he IMMEDIATELY changes from his tie into clothes that can handle the kids. He dives right in feeding, bathing, playing and changing and never complains. I don't think I know just how good I have it.

However, in my mind, it goes like this:

Oh great! He just got home and he disappears into the bathroom for 30 minutes! Doesn't he see I'm trying to get dinner ready? Wait! Did he just give a sigh of being tired? Oh, I'll show him tired!

Yes, I know, even as I type it I realize how stupid it sounds. The frustration does not end with my husband. My children have also seen the brunt of it today, specifically this morning.

Luke started the kids on their breakfast this morning before he left. I come into the kitchen, still half asleep (but still grumpy). I'm greeting by squeals that normally melt my heart, but this morning, they just ticked me off.

After Luke leaves, chaos begins. First, Baby Girl needs ANOTHER bottle. Luke just fed her 2 hours ago, what's her problem? (That's a joke, she still eats every two hours.) While feeding her, Baby D decides he wants to get hungry as well.

What I forgot to tell you is that I have Bible study on Tuesday mornings and I need to leave the house by 8:45am. As of Baby Girl's feeding, it's 8:05 and I've yet to shower AND all 5 kids still need to be changed, dressed, teeth brushed and groomed.

I feel the frustration mounting. I finish Baby Girls' bottle, but not before she poops twice, each time into a clean diaper. I get Baby D situated so that he can eat while I shower. However, he is unsettled and I realized that he's pooped. Annoyed that my shower is being delayed further, I change him.

Finally, I'm off to the shower. Elizabeth is trying to get my attention, but instead of listening to her, I raise my voice, telling her to stop talking and EAT!

After a quick shower, I come back into the kitchen to find that Elizabeth (my FOUR year old), has helped the twins finish up their breakfast, unbuckled them from their booster seats and had carried all 3 cereal bowls to the sink. I walk in on her wiping off the table.

Thinking about it now makes me get tears in my eyes. I realized, as I watched my little girl working so hard to help me out, that I have had some serious issues with anger the last two days.

I could blow it off and say that lack of sleep does funny things to my body. I could pass it off as being in a high-stress environment. I could even say that it's my time of the month, but it isn't.

My problem is deeper. The amount of time I've spent with my Savior the last month has totaled maybe 20 minutes. The enemy knows that when I am tired, I am the most vulnerable. He is attacking me and I am allowing his evil whispers to penetrate my heart and hurt the people I love.

How could I be so blind? How could this happen all the sudden? The truth is, it didn't. This past Sunday, Michael continued his sermon series on Fireproofing your marriage. He spoke about how things can slowly fade into your life and marriage, causing it to crumble. At the time, I seriously thought,

"Oh, I'm not addicted to pornography or gambling or alcohol. Those things don't apply to me and my marriage."

The truth is that the enemy will attack us where we are weakest. Pornography, gambling and alcohol are not weak areas in my life. For me, sleep is precious. I've always needed lots of sleep to function, even before kids.

Over the past month, it has been a slow fade from my Lord. Instead of daily time with him, I've offered myself to the Serta gods. I've placed other things in areas where God should be. It has effected my entire family and even the state of my heart.

I praise God that He is incredibly slow to anger, and so unlike me. I praise Him for taking me back time and time again. I praise Him that I have a forgiving husband, who as I type this, texted me and asked,

"You ok? I'm worried about you."

I praise God that tonight, after a conversation and a huge apology on my part, my husband will forgive me and I can rest in the hope that tomorrow will be better.

I am so far from perfect and I hope that each of you continues to see that EVERYTHING within me that is good and right comes straight from the One whose Spirit dwells within my broken body. I praise Him because He is good and He never, ever changes.