I choose just Him

Our family is different. I mean, you can look at us and see that. It's obvious that all of our children are not biological and, aside from the obviousness of that, we have a lot of them. I mean, who else do you know that has 6 kids aged 5 years and under? In about 8 weeks, we will. Can you think of anyone else?

Me neither.

Not that I think we are exceptional, just different. I mean, I know there are other families out there who have lots of kids. Like The Duggars and Jon and Kate and this one (which I've never even watched). And countless more that go unrecognized and unpublished.

I know that having 6 children isn't something that we thought up. I mean, come on people, ask your grandparents how many siblings they have and most likely the answer is 3 or more. But today, in our American culture, more than 3 kids is a lot.

And, now that I'm finished with the puking part of this pregnancy, dare I breathe to anyone that I'm so flippin' excited about this new baby that I can hardly contain myself? Dare I breathe that I am also sad that this pregnancy is almost over? Dare I breathe that I'm already thinking about the next time I might get pregnant?

I know, insane right?

I don't claim to have the most well-behaved children. I don't claim to know everything about this thing called Parenting. Heck, I don't even claim to be that extraordinary of a mother. But, I do claim to love Christ so much that my life goal is to be obedient.

Obedient to what Luke and I feel God has placed within our hearts. Obedient to the call that we will allow Him to lead us in the area of how many children we have and where they come from. And, to most people, that thinking sounds crazy.

I mean, afterall, who are we trying to be like, The Duggars?

Um...no. Because as much as I think the Duggars are good people, surrendered to God's call on their life, can I just say that I don't know if I could handle being a mother to 19 children? Holy moly. And, that is my opinion after reading their book (which is great, by the way, especially if you enjoy reading about how other families function on a daily basis).

Still. If that's what God called us to (19 kids and such), I would try my best to be obedient and listen. And if God called us to have or adopt no more children, then I would try my best to be obedient and listen.

Because, what I have found to be true is that obedience to God is costly and hard and difficult. But, above and beyond that it is joyful and exciting and humbling and blessed. It's both sides of a very unique coin and with the blessings and joy and excitement and learning comes hardships and persecution and tears.

For the most part, I can handle the persecution. For the most part, I can handle the hardships. For the most part, I can handle knowing that when Luke and I walk through the church parking lot, with all 5 kids in tow and my very pregnant belly sticking out, people are looking at us and, most likely, talking about us. For the most part, I can handle being "those Jesus people" in the family with "all those kids."

I can handle the comments we will get when we begin driving a 15 passenger van in the near future. I can handle the comments and remarks and looks that say "oh, I could NEVER have so many kids." For the most part, it's bearable. After all, this is OUR calling of obedience, not theirs. I don't expect everyone else to "get" what God has called us to.

But somedays it's just too much. Sometimes, when it comes from people you love, it hurts more than anything you could imagine. Sometimes, it feels like everyday is an uphill battle to follow the One who you know is lighting your path.

Sometimes it feels like the people who should be rallying for you are waiting to watch you fail. Sometimes it feels like the ones who should be loving and holding and cherishing these growing times with you are the ones who salt your wounds and refuse to hear the cries of your heart.

It's painful and, often, it's more than my heart can bear.

And that's when I get stuck. That's when I look around and wonder why God chose this path for us. That's when I dig deeper and know that a life surrendered to Him is a one that also includes scrutiny, pain and hurt.

Over the last two years, I've watched people we care about back peddle out of our lives for various reason. It's painful to know that because you've chosen to follow God's calling, to be obedient, that others find you too messy. It hurts to have folks who love you also seem to wait in the wings for when you're vulnerable, then they attack.

BUT.

God is good. His mercy is worth this pain. His love is enough. And though it may be difficult, I choose to continue to seek His desires. I choose to continue to live a life that looks crazy to the people around me. I choose to obey Him, nomatter the cost.

Because with that choice comes the richest blessings I could ever imagine. With that choice comes joy, happiness and life worth being shared. With that choice comes a testament to the truth of what He has done for us.

And I pray, that anyone who sees our crazy life, anyone who wonders why we do what we do, anyone who crinkles their forehead or takes a second look at us would only see one thing.

Him.

Not our mistakes. Not our flaws. Not our own selfishness.

Just Him.

I choose just Him.