Her Words, My Heavy Heart

I love reading blogs. Mostly because the ones I choose to read are about real lives, with real people, with real families with real emotions. Of course I understand that it's a glimpse at the authors real life and that, in effect, they truly don't blog about everything in their life, just as I don't. But for the most part they are open, honest and truthful about things that are often hard to be truthful about.

And I love that.

Courtney over at Storing Up Treasures has a beautiful family. She's the main character in a real, live, beautiful story of the Lord's redemption. It's her life, outloud, for all to read.

And I think she's been secretly reading my diary.

After weathering many seasons of uncertainty, pain and restoration, she wrote THIS post on Sunday. I promise you it was almost like reading the words right from my own journal.

She wrote,

I just wish that those in my life could understand that my life is mine. I know it doesn't look like what you think it should. I know that it looks a little crazy to you. I know that you would do things so different from me. And that is okay. I love you. It makes no difference to me what you choose in your life. I love you irregardless. My love is not based off of some list of requirements that I think you should be subscribing too. And just because I live a life that is different from yours, and just because I write about my thoughts, my views, doesn't mean that your life has any less value or purpose, or that what you are doing isn't what is exactly right for you.

and then later, in the same post, she said,

And you know who you are. Those people I LOVE so much that my heart aches that they can't get past my life and my choices. I love you. So much so that I am broken that you can't love me back and know that I am still me. The same me I was when we were wild and crazy kids. The same me that you loved then.... just with a much different looking life. And maybe there are things that have changed. Some for the better, but I am still me.

And you can love me. You don't have to get me. You don't have to understand. But, you can accept that we have taken different paths in this world. And that is okay. Your path is yours. My path is mine. And I know that those things at the end of the day don't really matter. We are family. And we always will be.

This is just a blog. It is just a blog. It isn't who I am. It doesn't define me. It doesn't change me. It is just a place I share my world. What I say here isn't the end all be all. And most likely someday I will look back on these posts laughing about the girl I used to be, amazed by the way things have changed, and hopeful about the future. But, I will still be me.

I love it when I find another person's blog and through their words I understand that they just get me. I have no doubt that the Lord gave Courtney those words on Sunday so that she could minister to my very heavy heart.

Heaviness.

That's just about how I feel lately. Heaviness that people I love don't want to talk to me about the important things in our lives. Heaviness from pain caused from comments and rejections and overall disapproval. And I carry this heaviness with me all day, and have for many months, and I'm tired.

Yes, I admit, I want to be accepted by people. But moreover, I want to be approved by the One who calls me His child and who I willingly tie myself to as His bondservant. If obedience to God means walking through the rest of my life with the folks I hold dearest being cold and distant toward me, then I guess that's the calling I will follow. Sadly. Though I pray that isn't the case.

My love for the Lord does not equate unlove for those who will be affected by our choices. I realize it hurts. IT HURTS ME TOO. But for now, walking in obedience is the only path I choose. Hurtful or not. Scared or not. Fearful and trembling, I choose the path of obedience.

Truthfully, we can either walk together down this road and cry, laugh, mourn, rejoice, fear and turn to the Lord together. Or, we can do it apart. I choose not to back away from this hard season of life because I can see the tangible evidence that God is drawing me closer to His holiness.

And that's exactly where I want to be.

With you at my side.