Das Not Funny! Friday: My optometrist's blind janitor

Holy moly it's Friday? Somebody should create some device that I can hang on my wall to remind me what day it is.

Anyway, logically I know it's Friday because we have Art class and gymnastics on Friday. In the land of blogs, I forget so, so easily.

Okay, prepare yourselves. Some of these may be funny. And some may be just down-right gross.

Welcome to this week's edition of Das Not Funny! Friday. New to Das Not Funny! Friday? Click here or on the Das Not Funny! Friday button on my sidebar to find out more.

Okay, let's get this show on the road, whatta ya say?

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About a year ago my eldest 3 children discovered a box of VHS tapes that my mother-in-law had sent us from Luke's childhood stash of junk. Every.single.video was Looney Tunes. Most people don't still own a VCR. We are not most people.

Clearly.

Anyway, every few weeks the older kids get on a Looney Tunes kick. It's ALL they want to watch. This week is one of those weeks. As they all 3 laid in the bed watching Looney Tunes the following conversation transpires.

Lucas: "Hey guys. I bet dat a cheetah could beat the woad wunner. Cheetahs are weal fast wunners. But da cheetahs could catch Wyle We. Coyote."

Ashlee: "I'm weal fast. I bet I could catch the waod wunner."

Elizabeth: "Yeah. You are fast Ash. I bet you could wear a cheetah out, girl!"

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Earlier last week...

Lucas: "Hey Mom?"

Me: "Yeah Buddy?"

Lucas: "Remember when I pushed-ed that watermeldon down the stairs?"

Me: "Um. Yeah Bud. That's hard to forget."

Lucas: "Yeah. That was a bad choice."

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Finally, this one is lengthy and I apologize but it is too good not to share. About 3 weeks ago I went in for my annual eye appointment and contact fitting. The week before Luke had his appointment and took Ashlee with him. To appease Lucas, I told him that when I went the next week, I'd take him with me.

I forgot I'd have a nursing newborn with me as well. But, I had made a promise so off Lucas, Ella and I go to the eye doctor. Lucas brought a puzzle and some stickers with him and was doing fabulously. First, the assistant has me remove my contacts. Then, she numbs and dilates my eyes.

Basically, I'm now legally blind.

After a few minutes of waiting, Lucas announces that he has to go to the bathroom. Since we'd just went a few minutes before, when we had arrived, I sent him down the hall on his own. A few seconds later I hear,

"Mooooooooom!! I need help!"

I step into the hallway. (Which, you should know, is the only hallway in the building and it goes from the front door all the way back to the bathroom. Everyone in the waiting area can see down the hallway. Well, everyone with their eye sight still in tact. Mine is not, remember?)

All I see is Lucas in his shirt, a large space of nakedness, and his shorts covering his shoes.

"Lucas!" I stammer, "Pull your pants up! Everyone can see you!"

"I'm sorry Mommy," he says, almost in tears, "I tried to make in on the potty."

I enter into the bathroom, still mostly blind and see a general white area I assume is the toilet. On the front of the toilet I see a large, brown blob.

"What happened?" I ask Lucas sincerely, since I CAN'T REALLY SEE.

"I pooped but didn't make it on the potty," he said, clearly upset.

For the next 20 minutes I attempt to clean up a bathroom full of poop with little-to-no vision. Because my eyes are dilated, having on the bathroom light feels like I'm staring directly into the sun. My dilated eyes also inhibit my already contact-less eye sight.

As I wipe the floor, Lucas makes general comments like, "Oh! There's some Momma.....Oops, you stepped on it."

I take paper towels and some hand soap and clean up and down both sides of Lucas' legs. Afterall, it would have been inappropriate for him to wear anything other than athletic shorts and his cowboy boots out in public. Which means, his poop fell out of his shorts and down INTO his boots. I end up throwing away his underwear and socks. By the grace of God his shorts remained poop-less. (Or so I think. I was going on my sense of smell since I COULDN'T SEE.)

Then, I begin cleaning up the rest of the floor. However, this facility has clearly been in use for a while. Like most public bathrooms with tile, it has those brownish stains on the floor. To a person with dilated eyes and NO VISION all of those areas appear to be smudged with poop.

So, I'm blindly wiping off the entire floor, unsure if I'm cleaning up poop or just performing general janitorial services for my optometrist.

At the time it was entirely stressful because Ella HATES her carset and was screaming her head off in the patient room down the hall. Now, it's mildly comical.

To top it all off, last night when Luke and I went on our date, our optometrist came in and sat at the table beside us.

He totally pretended like he didn't know us. I'm totally not kidding.

Or, maybe he just didn't recognize me with my eyesight fully intact.

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Happy Friday everyone! Have a blessed weekend!