Yesterday, the G.A.L. came by and told me that at Baby Girl's first court date (the first one that will determine permanency) will be on November 24th. Guess what? We will be on vacation. I'm so disappointed.
However, she also told me that they will reccommend starting Baby Girl's case with a concurrent plan of reunification with birth mom AND Termination of Parental Rights (TPR). This means, at the end of the next 3 months, which ever plan has had most progress, that's the one they stick with. Since birth mom has only showed up for one visit, I'm guessing TPR will soon follow.
Last night, I told all of this to my Mom and we had a LONG, LONG conversation. Mostly, about us adopting a child of another race. Though this has crossed my mind, and already we have had to deal with some strange stares in public, it seems more real now. I am excited to think that we could have a multi-racial family. However, another part of me is concerned that Baby Girl would feel so obviously different. When we take Baby D out, it isn't obvious that he isn't our son. With Baby Girl, such is not the case.
Her beauty captivates me. I love the way her dark skin looks next to our pale complexions. I love her dark lips and her jet black hair. I love it when she stares at me with her deep, dark eyes. I love the way her head smells. I love how her nose crinkles when she yawns and how she burps like a grown man. My heart is smitten with her and for me, when I look at her, I do not see skin color, but my daughter whom I love so very much.
Now, I want your opinion. I know that God has already placed the love in our hearts for Baby Girl, and we have not even considered NOT adopting her because of her race. This is not a black/white issue. This is not an issue of prejudice.
What I want your opinion on is, if you HAVE children who are of another race (or bi-racial children), or if you are planning on adopting children who are of another race how do you (or will you) deal with the hurtful things other say? I know that they will come, because they already have.
How do you (or will you) discuss with your child, as they grow older, WHY they look different from the rest of the family? I want to have as much knowledge as possible on what it is like to be a multi-racial family. I want to absorb all of the information I can so that when I'm faced with challenging comments or people who are simply hurtful, I will not lash back but respond in love. Should I even be concerned about all of this?
I know God has purposed her into our family for a reason, and that through it all He will show His unfailing love to us all. Thank you for your support and encouragement as we journey down these foreign paths.
This is my first comment, but I have been following your blog for months (I love it!). I was raised by a traditional southern family and am white. I married and have two children with a Chinese man. Our oldest son looks a tiny bit Chinese, while my daughter looks very Chinese. We DO get lots of looks and comments, particularly when we travel outside of Northern CA and it was a regular thing for me when we lived in a small town in VA. Generally, people are curious and can't help but stare a little when my husband is not with me (which is usual as he is a busy surgeon). I think they are trying to figure us out. They mainly ask questions about my daughter such as "where did you adopt her from" or "I have a friend who is trying to adopt from China!" But I do sometimes get comments when we are all together such as "are you their nanny?" or "are they both yours?" or "they're so beautiful! (to cover for the fact that they are staring)". In general, I just smile in response to these questions, give the honest answer enthusiastically such as "their Daddy is Chinese! aren't they so lucky to look a little like him?!" These comments really don't bother me at all, but I do worry about how my daughter feels when she hears them and when she wonders why my eyes are blue and my hair curly, etc.. and hers are not. But, I have found that it gives me a great opportunity to focus on how we are bound/connected by more than looks ("you got your looks from your Daddy and your love of nurturing from me, etc") We also are very clear with our children that they are from God and belong to God and that we were just blessed and chosen to raise and love them. It really is quite simple and straightforward when you present in those terms. Should you adopt a different race baby, you (just like me) WILL have additional/more intense issues to address and work through during the teen years as one's self identity is processed. But, you will have plenty of time to prepare for that. Also, (as I always do) I read both presidential candidates autobiographies leading up to this election. Obama's Dreams of my Father was very insightful and articulate account re: issues of race while growing up. You might find it helpful to read as it provides a very first person perspective re: growing up black in a white household. Ultimately, of course re: how you should handle this, God will always be your best guide. Trust in him (as you always do!) and your path will be straight. -Dana
ReplyDeleteHey,
ReplyDeleteYou know we are all about multi-race families... and hope to be one some day if God sees fit. I have two good friends who have adopted children of a different race. One is listed on my blog list: lch photography & design. They adopted a daughter from Taiwan, and are adopting a son from the same orphanage. My other friend doesn't have a blog that I know of, and they have adopted two African American boys (and white twins who were supposed to be multi-race, but they are blonde with blue eyes). I would be happy to get you in touch with them should you adopt Baby Girl. They are very wise, and probably have a lot a great answers for you.
oh my gosh, Jess,
ReplyDeleteall I can think of is,
it is SO clear how much you love this baby girl. And you will be able to raise this girl in a changing world ( i hope)
I'm sure people will be close-minded and maybe say things... but adoption is absolutely going to give her a better life. and it sounds to me like you're already in love with her. :)
I hope you do it. Your family could only be better.
"Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world..."
Hi,
ReplyDeleteWe've emailed a few times and I know you have checked our blog. As you know, we fostered, then adopted our twins. They are bi-racial. Doesn't mean anything to me...I think they are the most beautiful children in the world! Yes, we do get the stares. Yes, we do get the questions. Yes, people do put their feet in their mouths. BUT.....
Yes, yes, yes....this is the place that God has chosen for these children to live. Yes, God chose David and I to be their parents. Yes, WE are the blessed.
What part of Tennessee are you going thru? You know I am in TN...otherwise known as God's country!!!
I won't be able to stand it if you come to Arkansas with out Baby Girl.
ReplyDeleteAll i can offer is prayer for wisdom and guidance with this situation.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any insight but i DO know that when people ask me if my twins and Eli are mine, it' because Eli is so white and my girls are dark like their daddy.
I always am reminding them of how much they look like their papa and Eli is white like me....
But the end result is that they all know how much GOD loves them and that HE formed them in their mother's womb. You are special to love baby girl like you do.
The Lord will give you the necessary tools to handle whatever comes your way!
2 things:
ReplyDelete1. yes, you should be concerned about this and it shows that you are already going to be a wonderful mother to this sweet girl if God allows it because you ARE concerned about it! It will be your job to deflect any rude comments and also teach her to love herself the way God made her and to forgive others who speak in ignorance. You will need even more to make sure you surround yourself with people of other races and make sure that you daughter has people in her life who are not all "white"- I personally think we all need that even if we are not a multi-racial family!
2. I highly recommend I'm Chocolate You're Vanilla by Marguerite Wright. I did a lot of reading on this before we brought our African princess into our family. Even though she is no longer with us, I think that the things I learned were very valuable. I have list of some books you may find helpful on my blog sidebar.
Enjoy the vacation!
and you know, to me, from the picture, she looks just as white as you :)
ReplyDeleteI think she's a beautiful baby
We just adopted a beautiful biracial girl from DFCS. My husband is also biracial, but when I'm out with her alone we have gotten looks or comments asking if I was babysitting, ect.
ReplyDeleteReally, when it comes down to it, wheither a child is black, white, has glasses, or braces, they are going to have hurtful comments at some point in thier life. Teaching her to be proud of who she is and instilling self confindence will be the ultimate sheild from such comments.
Loved checking out your blog this evening. I'm so glad you've been reading mine, and left your comments. Fun to have a new blogging friend!
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you and ALL your little ones!
Laurel