Desires of my heart

I'm in that place where it feels like God has turned His back on you. That place where the mercy, love and faithfulness of God that scripture speaks of so often feel like they are an ocean away from me.

Paige's death has a lot to do with that but there are other things going on in my life that are leaving me asking God many questions about where His mercy, love and faithfulness have gone. That old phrase "When it rains, it pours!" seems to be pretty accurate lately.

I was hoping for us to do so much this summer, considering it was suppose to be our last summer in the United States for four years. I wanted to go to the zoo a lot, spend days playing at the new playgrounds in our town, take trips to see friends and family and mostly, just spend it with our family and friends nearby, savoring our relationships with them and storing up all the memories we could.

Instead, it's been a summer plagued with grief, chaos and uncertainty.

Friends have tragically lost babies while other friends are struggling with God's goodness in the face of uncertainty with their own unborn children.

Friends are watching foster children they've loved on, prayed fervently for, and wished to adopt, return to birth parents. The unfairness of it stings as they pack up toys and clothing and say goodbye for what will likely be the last time.

Our outgoing support needs went up. Again. Yes, it's for a valid reason like language school. But support raising seems like such a steep mountain to climb.

Our house was riddled with fleas for over a week. So much so that we had to move into my grandmother's small condo immediately following our trip to Arkansas. We'd been out of town for 11 days and came home to a home we couldn't even step foot in. What kind of things am I suppose to learn from that?

I feel like I'm a pretty flexible person. I feel like I roll with the punches easily.

But I'm tired of punches.

I've pleaded with God over trivial maters and He's responded with a resounding "NO" and I stand and watch, with anger welling up inside of me.

Yesterday, it all washed over me like an unexpected wave, knocking me off of my feet. The tears flowed freely and the hurt came consistently.

There have been times in my life that I've been on the mountain top with God. I've been so near to Him that I could nearly feel His powerful breath warming my shoulders, embracing me with His glory.

Clearly, where I am now, is the valley scripture speaks of.

What does one do in the valley? How does one look at the mountain's steep slopes towering around her and realize that the only way out is to climb? Where does that energy come from?

Where does the desire to even climb come from?

I've been pondering these verses over the last two and a half weeks, especially the last few days.

Trust in the LORD, and do good;

dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the LORD,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;

trust in him, and he will act.

  (Psalm 37:3-5 ESV)

I'm going to be real honest here.

I'm not seeing any of the desires of my heart being met.

And I was a freakin' delightful mess for the Lord, trying my best to do some obedient good for His name's sake. I was trusting him fully, MOVING MY FAMILY TO AFRICA and believing that He would act on my behalf.

Until about two weeks ago. So someone tell me how this verse makes any sense in light of everything going on in my life over the last month?

Yet somewhere amid what appears to be towering disappointments, handed out by God himself, I'm reminded of this:

We met Paige when she was 15 years old. Seven months later, she turned 16. The youngest of four children, she had watched each of her older siblings turn 16 and eventually gain the most prized possession a 16 year old can have: a car all their own.

However, due to circumstances beyond anyone's control, cars flat out dying, sisters and brothers whose jobs and schooling required them to have family pooled resources, Paige's 16th, 17th and 18th years came and went without her having her very own vehicle.

She spent two years at college without a car too. While she never complained (too much) about it, I knew that it was a deep desire of her heart to have her very own car.

At the beginning of July Paige went with our family on a road trip across Tennessee and into part of Mississippi and Arkansas. Our goal was to see friends and family - some of who we anticipated it being our last time before we head to Kenya in January.

But God had other plans.

The last night before we headed back, we stayed with some amazing friends that we've been blessed to know for over 15 years. They're incredibly generous with us each time we visit (moving a herd of Beavers into your home for 2 - 3 days at a time gets you the generous award any day) and always go out of their way to make sure we are comfortable and well fed.

Their generosity doesn't end with us though. Micah and Luke, who have been best friends since middle school, went out one morning. As they came back in, Luke saw Mandy's car from high school sitting there and knowing that it was an extra one he casually asked Micah, "What are you going to do with that car?"

Micah, in turn said, "Well, we've been praying about giving it away to someone." Off handedly, and truly joking, Luke said, "Paige doesn't have a car."

It was decided that night that Micah and Mandy would give Paige their old car.

She was just a tad excited.

The next morning the title was signed over and Paige was the happiest girl on the planet.

I snapped photos of her as she climbed into her own car for the very first time. After all, every girl needs pictures of herself in her very first car, right?

I made her drive that car the entire 700+ miles home. She offered a few times to let me drive and I declined, knowing that this is what her heart had desired for so long.

So as I ponder my own heart and how very few of my desires seem to be being met right now, I remember this one thing my sweet friend Emily said to me,

"God knew she wouldn't need that car but in His generosity, He gave it to her anyway. How incredible is that?"

The Lord gave her this tiny, inconsequential, completely trivial, totally fleshly desire of her heart.

18 days later she died.

As tears spill out of my eyes and run down my cheeks, I hope I can cling to this truth: God provides us with the desires of our hearts each and every time that those desires glorify Him.