I'm Not Who I Was

Last Saturday we had a yard sale. Okay, actually we carried all our stuff out onto our driveway, let it sit for about 6 hours, sold twelve $1.00 items, carried it all back into our garage then ordered pizza.

Successful we were not. Anyway, I spent most of my time "preparing" for the yard sale in the weeks preceding it by sorting through old boxes and looking at pictures that I had not seen in years. I found letters from old friends and photos of me and people that I had not spoken to in nearly a decade. The trips I took down memory lane brought smiles, fears, tears and much thought.

My past, well the past prior to my marriage, isn't one that I always enjoy remembering. Sure, I have great memories with wonderful friends. But overall my memories, particularly the ones I have from high school, are tainted. They include pain from broken relationships, less than desirable (but unfortunately true) rumors about my dating life and recollections of never being good enough.

Wait? Doesn't everyone feel the same way about their time in high school? Maybe. But maybe not. You see, when I got the invitation via email last year for my 10 year high school reunion I knew that there was no way in you-know-where that I was going back. Ever. I couldn't click delete fast enough. But let me make it very clear, it isn't because of shame that I refuse to go to that place. It isn't because I feel like I'm better than the folks who still live in my hometown or because I think that part of my life was pathetic. It's not that it all.

The truth is, I'm not who I was. I'm different now. At the time, I saw no reason to not do the things I did. I saw no reason to not have sex with the guys I dated or allow my body to be put on display for whomever to see. I saw no reason to live my life for anything but pure, selfish pleasure. My only fear was getting caught by my father, which actually happened anyway.


But looking back at those photos I realized that I was so broken. I was so lost. I could fix everything myself and if I couldn't, well I just pushed it to the back burner and hoped it would resolve itself.

You see, I'm not who I was.

I am changed. For as long as I could remember I wanted, desperately, to be rescued. I'd watch romance movies and just cry because I wanted that dramatic rescue from a man who would love me forever for who I was. That man never came. Sure they allowed themselves use of my body and tried their best to live up to my high expectations. But they couldn't fill the void. They couldn't rescue me in a way I needed. They let me down.

Finally, I realized a rescuer wasn't coming. I loved Luke and when you love someone and you're out of college you get married so that's what we did. Life was good. Sure it had its bumps but in general it was good. But the longing never faded. I still wanted the dramatic rescue, the unfailing love and the risk of a man losing it all just for me.

Then it happened. I met my Rescuer. I don't remember when and I don't remember how but I remember knowing that it was a Rescue of unfailing proportions. He did it, for me. He knew I wasn't the girl I was. He knew the girl I was going to be. With one mighty display of love, He rescued me in a way that I could never imagine. He wiped away all the sin, shame and scars from the life of a decade past.

And now, I'm not who I was.